Rolje's Blog
February 11, 2018
I Am Human Too
You know, I write here as much as I can, mostly because it’s the only outlet I have for my feelings but also because I know that on some level there are people out there who may find the emotions familiar.
I post a lot of negative stuff. I know that, not going to pretend I don’t. I apologise if this turns people off. I appreciate the support of those who do read my rantings and ravings. I’m not going to pretend my life is easy or that I’m happy all the time. The truth is my life really isn’t...
February 9, 2018
Push You Away
I push you away.
I push everyone away.
Eventually…
I can’t have friends. Because I can’t keep them. I can’t let them in. So they get bored. They get tired of waiting for the gates to open, for the chains to fall off, for my heart to fall apart, exposing the naked truth about me.
They won’t ever know how close they really were to getting to the real me.
But that’s okay.
That’s okay.
Or is it?
Or is this just the constant lie I feed myself while I starve to be needed, to be wanted?
I realize th...
February 8, 2018
Tomorrow…Today… Whatever
Every day that passes by I want to be better.
I want to be useful.
I want to be happy.
I want to be productive.
I want to be needed.
I want to be wanted.
And yet every day I am merely a fresh disappointment, lying down at the ebd of the day, starils aware of all the ways I’ve failed that day.
And yet I forget to give myself credit for all the ways I didn’t fail. They don’t matter, because what would be best is if I failed less.
Of course they matter, you say, but do you really mean that?
Be b...
February 5, 2018
In Vain
You have no right to assume that I don’t need company.
That I don’t get lonely.
That I’m not wanting to go anywhere.
That I don’t want to be invited.
That I hate people.
Just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean I didn’t want someone to talk to.
That I didn’t want someone to vent to.
You just have no right to assume anything about me since you’ve never bothered to learn anything about me.
So there…
All the voices they chatter around me and here I am just wanting to break inside. Here I am just want...
January 16, 2018
Back from the Edge
James Arthur’s song is an anthem to me.
Never give up.
Fall down.
Rise up.
Return.
Taller.
Stronger.
Ready to keep fighting.
Back from the edge
Back from the dead
Back before demons took control of my head
Back to the start
Back to my heart
Back to the boy who would reach for the stars
Oh, he would reach for the stars, yeah
You can take my home, you can take my clothes
You can take the drugs I have that nobody knows
You can take my watch, you can take my phone
You can take all I’ve got ’til...
January 15, 2018
You will win
You look. You feel. You touch. You see.
The world warps around you, stretching, pulling, yielding, resisting.
The challenge swallows you whole, tries to spit you out.
But…
You won’t let go.
Not so easy.
Not so fast.
Hold on.
There’s more…
Fight.
Struggle.
You can…you will…win.
Free At Last
She is lonely.
She reached out.
She thought, I hold back too much, I’ll try to let someone in.
In they came, softly at first.
Insidious.
Smiles.
Promises.
Platitudes.
I won’t take advantage.
Don’t let me do anything to you that you don’t like.
I can take no for an answer.
I’m a big boy.
No.
No, she says.
I don’t like it. I don’t want this.
The disappointment, the sadness, like a forlorn child. Such a raging liar.
They couldn’t really take no for an answer, could they?
So, she runs.
Leave them...
January 10, 2018
The Mind’s Deepest Darkest Corners
It is a closet.
It is closed off.
She throws open the doors, broke the lock, the key is lost.
She wades through the myriad of forgotten mementos of a life long ignored.
Wide-eyed she gazes at the dust coating each corner.
There is no end to the sorrow that pervades this room.
For a moment, she wonders…
Should she?
Could she?
Never mind.
The night is dragging on.
She sits staring happily into the flames.
Everything in that old, musty closet melts among the hot coals.
She sighs.
Now, no one wil...
January 4, 2018
New Year, Same Me
Hi everyone! I’ve never actually made a post introducing myself. I’m 23, an ailurophile, a bibliophile and a psychology major currently halfway through my junior year. I plan to work towards becoming a psychiatrist in the future. It has been a very bumpy road to here and in future posts, I will slowly tell the entire story.
I honestly have no idea if anyone even reads this blog anymore but that’s okay! It is 2018 now, a new year, new chances, new opportunities. And this year I plan to be more...
October 23, 2017
Maybe… I’m Insane
I want to kill myself.
Every day.
Repeat.
They don’t have a clue.
What it’s like being me.
They think maybe it’s a joke.
Maybe it’s an exaggeration.
Just imagine…
Wanting to die so bad
But
Wanting to live so bad.
It’s enough to drive anyone completely insane.
Filed under: Notes Tagged: depression, emotion, mental health, mind, suicidal
