Tansy Rayner Roberts's Blog, page 46

Russian Musketeers Own my Soul (1979)

So we remember the crushing disappointment that I felt when the Gene Kelly version of The Three Musketeers turned out to not be a musical?

ALL HAIL THE RUSSIANS.

Enter D’Artanyan i tri Mushketyora (1979), a glorious three part mini-series, featuring all the satin shirts, lace collars and Musketeer shenanigans you could desire, along with an adorably cheesy musical score. THEY SING THEY DANCE.

I had so much fun watching this, I can’t even tell you. Musketeers singing their feelings out is now my favourite everything.

EPISODE ONE

D’Artanyan (Mikhail Boyarskiy) has no sooner arrived in Meung than he is treated to a song about how the Cardinal sees and spies on everything – when the Red Guard chases off the unpatriotic singers, D’Artanyan ends up fighting them.

Rochefort (Boris Klyuev), sadly sans the eyepatch though he does have a bright violet suit and a scar, insults D’Artanyan’s yellow horse, which leads to a splendid scuffle in a street full of sheep. Mikhail Boyarskiy reminds me very strongly of Gene Kelly’s take on the character, and the tone of the movie is very similar to that 1948 version.

As D’Artanyan lies bleeding in a haystack, we meet a sinister, Dolly Partonesque Milady (Margarita Terekhova) – seriously, she’s all blonde curls and black cowboy hat, if she doesn’t sing country-style I will be very disappointed.

In Paris, the extremely tall and rail-thin Cardinal Richelieu (Aleksandr Trofimov) walks slowly around his office in his red robes, as the song about what a sneaky bastard he is plays in the background. He then invites Milady to join Rochefort in serenading him, which is amazing because it means this is a musical in which everyone knows they are singing. Rochefort plays the electronic keyboard and obediently sings a humorous song about the Cardinal’s love life.

At this point I am starting to wonder if the subtitle translators are actually fucking with me.

My, that Milady has quite a pair of lungs.

This is amazing. They are performing like a pair of adult children sucking up to their parents at Christmas. ROCHEFORT AND MILADY MUST ALWAYS SING COMIC DUETS.

The Cardinal’s Family Singalong. Let’s take this show on the road!

It’s a trap! Turns out that the Cardinal asked them to play ironically – he is actually very angry about the way that he is being mocked in ‘street ballads’ and wants Rochefort to find the composer/s or at least arrest the singers.

OMG this is the plot, people. The plot is musical. The Cardinal is also sending Milady across to England to deal with Buckingham and I can’t tell if this is separate to the comic songs plot or a change of subject.

There are no words for how much I am hoping Buckingham is the mysterious composer.

(Note: the composing of comic songs plot is never mentioned again and it all turns into a far more standard take on the original Musketeers story, which broke my heart a little bit)

D’Artanyan comes across Bonancieux (Leonid Kanevskiy as the mercer argues with his pretty wife Constance (Irina Alfyorova) in the street, about how her work in the Queen’s court keeps her away from him. He then turns around to run a grift on D’Artanyan about how his giant floppy beret is inappropriate for a would-be Musketeer, and he needs a proper hat with a feather, even if it means he has to sell his horse. I love how much screen time is being given to a discussion of D’Artanyan’s hat.

Aramis is singing all his love songs for you. And possibly Porthos. But mostly you.

We cut to another of my favourite Musketeer tropes: Treville chewing out the Musketeers for rampant bad behaviour. It’s Aramis (Igor Starygin) and Porthos (Valentin Smirnitskiy), both gorgeously cast to type – Aramis even looks like a slightly prettier version of Richard Chamberlain. Treville (Lev Durov) complains about how Aramis might as well be wearing a cassock as a uniform, and that Porthos is too fancypants with his gold baldric.

This may well be the most accurate rendition of the actual book that I have seen on screen thus far. None of this artistic license business. It’s like the Russians poured the book directly on to the screen, only pausing to add musical themes because if Dumas could have added song and dance numbers to his book, he damn well would have.

NOW PORTHOS IS TRYING TO CONVINCE TREVILLE THAT ATHOS HAS MEASLES, I SWEAR TO GOD.

This is so beautiful I may cry.

Ooo there’s a new song coming.

ATHOS ENTERS SINGING

“Life is hanging by a thread

Your enemies are brave

But, thank God,

For your friends

Thank God,

For your friends

And thank God,

Your friends have swords.”

Athos (Venyamin Smekhov) pointedly swoons from his wound, causing Treville to stop yelling long enough to fuss over him. I may have rewatched this scene several times. I regret nothing.

Next we get a Musketeers on Parade song involving many blue tabards, fencing practice, and raucous lyrics. D’Artanyan watches them in delight through the fence. I’m pretty sure Treville’s horse sings at one point. It’s pretty great.

You know what I’m waiting for now, though? The classic Musketeer meet-cute. While D’Artanyan tries to convince Treville (through a Gascony-themed duet) to give him a job, it’s all being set up: Porthos preens about his beaded belt, and Aramis receives a lady’s handkerchief from a carriage. Of course, when D’Artanyan barrels out of Treville’s office after the Man in Purple, the first thing he does is smack into Athos and his wound.

The chase sequence music is spectacularly electronic. Yes, this was made two years before K9 and Company; and yes, it sounds like it. D’Artanyan promptly crashes into and accidentally insults all three Musketeers, and then charms the pants off them when they all meet up for a duel later. It’s a lovely version of this scene which actually manages to convey how quickly they become friends by sharing jokes and of course fighting the Red Guard as a unit.

The sword fighting is TERRIBLE but enthusiastic. At least it’s done to music which makes everything funnier.

Then Aramis started lip-synching a sultry song that turns into what I shall refer to as the Musketeer Bro Song. It’s often sung on horseback, for extra manly effect.

“In our lifetime let’s enjoy

The ladies and wine

And good luck with our swords

With feathers swinging on our hats

We’ll tell our Fate: merci beaucoup.”

Also in this episode, we are introduced to the effusive, egotistic King Louis (Oleg Tabakov), who looks amazingly like a basset hound cosplaying Elvis.

Queen Anne (Alisa Freyndlikh) is a robust, angry woman, impatient with Louis’ ridiculous antics. I like her steel backbone, her pretty pearl hairnet, and her habit of snapping her fingers when she is pissed off, which is nearly all the time.

When anonymous men break into Constance’s house to interrogate her about the Queen, upstairs tenant D’Artanyan not only watches them through a hole in his floor (a lovely book detail rarely depicted in media), but grabs one of the thugs, pulls him up through the ceiling, lays a sword at his throat and shaves his head with extraordinary care.

That bit is totally not in the book, right? I think I would have remembered that bit.

Constance’s main characteristics at this point are being dishevelled and intelligent, feigning lady-weakness when relevant, but watching every blow D’Artanyan strikes as if she wishes she were doing it herself. When he begins to flirt with her, still covered in shaving foam, she rolls her eyes and requests he at least unties her first. He does so WITH HIS TEETH to show how turned on he is. You completely believe that he has fallen for her like a silly puppy, and that she is charmed by his ridiculous antics. They kiss, with him upside down, through the hole in the ceiling, more than twenty years before that Spider-Man movie.

To escape some Red Guards, D’Artanyan then needs to perform an espionage snog with a random cute maid, who turns out to be KITTY. It’s really sweet – Kitty doesn’t normally get her own meet-cute. Apart from mentioning that her employer is Milady de Winter, however, she doesn’t get to do much yet. Stay tuned.

The Musketeers have a discreet two-fingered hand signal (no, not that one) which blatantly means ‘all for one and one for all’ when pressed against a wrist, or a tabletop. It’s the most subtle and restrained thing in this entire production. Mime your friendship to me, darlings!

The Cardinal is marvellous in this – a slender, ominous figure in red. There is a scene in which he ushers D’Artanyan up a staircase and then plays chess with him while being polite that is actually one of the most tense pieces of cinema I’ve seen in years. It’s a hair away from the classic Nosferatu staircase scene, and if I didn’t know the rest of the story I would honestly believe that the next episode would involve the Cardinal wearing a D’Artanyan skin suit. In fact, this scene in which the Cardinal offers to mentor D’Artanyan, who politely informs him that he’d rather hang out with his own friends, is devastatingly accurate to the book but comes much later in the text – two thirds of the way through the story. Here, it’s used to mark the end of Episode 1 on a note of tension followed by a reprise of the Musketeer Bro Song.

EPISODE TWO

With all the tunefulness of a Disney princess, Constance Bonancieux escorts a bouffant Buckingham (Aleksei Kuznetsov) to the Queen’s quarters. This Buckingham is a slightly less fancy-schmancy version than Orlando Bloom depicted in 2011 which should give you some idea of how many ruffles and pearls he is wearing, i.e. all of them.

Buckingham and the Queen’s political and romantic situation is expressed entirely through a sultry duet in which she tries to keep him at arm’s length and he attempts to cop a feel.

The extremely “romantic” refrain is:

-I didn’t say ‘yes’, milord.

-You didn’t say ‘no.’

Buckingham, you’re a jerk. The Queen might have given you some diamonds but she’s not gonna let you kiss her on the mouth.

The fencing in this series is improving drastically by Episode 2, but only when D’Artanyan is involved, as is made extra obvious by the camera work which tends to veer wildly away from everyone else. He’s the only one ever shown in consistent mid- or long-shot while fencing, presumably because he’s the only one who doesn’t embarrass himself.

Other book scene rarely included in the movies (because it makes our hero look like a tool) has D’Artanyan shadowing Constance and a disguised Buckingham, under the impression that she’s having an affair with Aramis.

“I love you, but never spy on me again.”

Constance to D’Artanyan, hopefully shortly before printing this on a t-shirt for future reference.

The Cardinal plays the mandolin! At least, I think it’s a mandolin. Alone in his room, like an emo teenager with his first guitar.

“Your name to me

Is manna from heaven

Let the other one

Call you Your Majesty.

To me you are Anna.”

Goddamnit, I hate it when the Cardinal is obsessively in love with the queen, even if it is technically canon – it’s a detail I always approve being ditched from the book because it’s creepy and unnecessary. Now we’re getting a fantasy sequence in which the Cardinal dances with the Queen while dressed as Black Adder. Because this version of Anne of Austria is pretty boss, she rolls her eyes sarcastically at him and sings a song about how he’s an idiot, and she plans to continue her life as a sinner without his affection, EVEN THOUGH THIS IS HIS DREAM.

Oh, Cardinal, even your romantic fantasy is making fun of you.

When he gives Milady the order to go to Buckingham and reclaim the diamond studs so the Cardinal himself can give them back to her Majesty (thus, it is implied, personally humiliating her in public because he lurves her), Milady smirks at him for at least a full minute.

I like that Milady is being treated as an agent here, rather than a vampish seductress. She dresses like a Dick Turpin style highwayman for her missions, and most of her scenes with the Cardinal.

When the Queen realises that she is screwed if she can’t get those diamonds back, she sob-eats a strawberry (it is the most emotional eating of fruit I have ever seen) and then runs through the Palace, singing her pain.

“Madonna this is the end

“Holy Virgin I’m done for,

My Louis is a fool

But Richelieu won’t be fooled.

He has once again

Delved into my secrets.”

It gets better, because after a long moment of prayer and serenading a statue of the Holy Virgin, a funky backbeat starts and the Queen starts dancing around like a wild thing, plotting with renewed vigour and groovy enthusiasm.

“Let me die while I’m young!

Or am I not a Spanish lady?”

Anna, you are THE Spanish lady. Accept no substitutions.

D’Artanyan is now affluent enough to have three hats to choose from when he heads off to save the day (or did Bonancieux just keep conning him into buying them now he’s living above the shop?). He and Constance discuss their plans via a raucous duet in the kitchen, while her husband is sleeping – though of course he wakes up halfway through and discovers her affair with the lodger thanks to said song.

D’ARTANYAN: All the secrets of the Louvre are under the bodice of this incredible lady! And now, to London.

So many of the traditional Musketeer set pieces – like D’Artanyan losing his three Musketeers one by one on their ride to England – are made fresh and new here because of the banging Casio keyboard soundtrack, including downright weird sound effects such as when Aramis apparently mimics the voice of God via ventriloquism to silence his opponents. Crucially, all three Musketeers are separated from D’Artanyan at this time but not wounded which is going to make getting the gang back together a lot more efficient later on.

The Duke of Buckingham lives in what looks like a lighthouse. His servants are all bare-chested pretty black men, and he greets D’Artanyan wearing beaded trousers and a loop of beads worn exactly like every 1970’s gold medallion ever. Oh Buckingham, don’t ever change. The portrait of Queen Anne that Buckingham has on his wall shows her in all her eye-rolling, sarcastic glory. Truly, her best feature is that she is fed up with everyone in this show.

As for the real Anne of Austria, she has plenty of reason to be rolling her eyes, as D’Artanyan is late to the Louvre thanks to accidentally riding back to Paris in slow motion. Thanks to some marvellous trick fencing in high heeled boots on balcony edges, he holds off the Red Guard just long enough for his boys to ride to his rescue and escort him to the Palace.

ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL

I’m not even sad that my favourite bit of the novel (the one by one collecting of the fallen Musketeers) is skipped over here, because the song is cheerful and D’Artanyan needs his fellas at his side. Also we’re more than halfway through the entire four and a half hour running time of this thing, and we’re not done with the Queen’s diamonds yet.

The King has a song about how he’s pretty sure he’s being cuckolded, which he sings to the Queen while they make their formal entrance, because he’s classy like that. In retaliation, once D’Artanyan finally turns up with the diamonds, the Queen blings it up with all of them on a single smug and glittery shoulder, while literally singing “Shame on the King” to the sound of clicky castanets.

Castanets are a Spanish lady’s best friend, assholes!

D’Artanyan has a rather touching encounter with the Queen, in which there is much hand-kissing, and they manage to streamline the plot by having her send Constance to a nunnery directly for her own protection. That’s right, this is a version of The Three Musketeers that does not have Constance being kidnapped every five minutes, because who has time for that?

I thought I couldn’t have any more favourite things about this adaptation, but the casual reference to Aramis’ mistress as his ‘seamstress-cousin’ is amazing. Is it too much to hope this is a translation from a single word in Russian? What does it even MEAN?

The Musketeer Bro Song makes me so damn happy. Merci beaucoup indeed. What are the odds of me getting hold of the soundtrack of this movie?.

The BBC series has raised me to be really excited whenever nuns turn up in a Musketeer adaptation, because of the possibility they might be musket-wielding battle nuns. Instead, Milady arrives at the nunnery in the guise of a dishevelled traveller (that Dick Turpin outfit is getting another workout) and throws herself on their hospitality.

Milady then bonds with the nuns by giving them makeovers and pretty accessories, I’m not even kidding about this.

I’m fascinated because this adaptation is so close to the version of the story in the book in so many ways, but the structural changes that have been made which improve the flow of the story greatly.

They can’t be about to kill Constance this early… can they? This is endgame, why is endgame happening only two thirds of the way through the story? What on earth is going to be in Episode 3?

Milady slowly seducing and corrupting nuns through the dispersal of luxury beauty products is pretty amazing, though.

D’Artanyan and the Musketeers arrive at the convent, and climb the walls with far too much enthusiasm. And oh crap, it’s true, Constance is checking out early. Milady poisons and runs – and on her way out, Athos catches sight of her and does a classic double take.

I’m a little amazed at how well it works for them to kill Constance at the ? mark instead of keeping her on ice until the end of the story. It makes her character feel far more important. Obviously I prefer it when they don’t kill Constance at all, but honestly the films which do are BETTER because the boring modern ‘give D’Artagnan a romantic happy ending’ versions never replace her death with something of equal significance, so letting Constance live just pulls MIlady’s teeth. The only ‘Constance lives’ adaptation that I think genuinely sells her survival without diminishing Milady’s role as a villain is Season 1 of the BBC (2014) series, which made the protagonists (including Constance herself) earn that outcome with blood, sweat and tears.

The downside, of course, to killing Constance now is that the joyous adventure has now turned very bleak, with a whole movie-length span of time still to go. D’Artanyan is devastated by her loss, and will now be motivated by anger and vengeance rather than his usual benign feistiness. Meanwhile, Athos is quietly certain that he knows who is responsible for this tragedy.

MUCH SAD. SO GLUM.

“And now among my friends I’m in a desert

What’s left for me of love?

Just a name.

Constance!”

Thank God for your friends, D’Artanyan, and thank God they have swords. Stick with them and I think you’ll be OK.

EPISODE THREE:

Oh, going to WAR, fine, that makes sense, I guess there’s enough plot there to fill another hour or more. Off we go to the Siege of La Rochelle. The Cardinal has some mighty fringed orange epaulets which are apparently part of his war outfit. Trendy.

The Queen conveys her distaste of this war entirely through eyebrow flicks and eye-rolls. She is so over your bullshit, men of Paris.

Guess who’s a Musketeer now? D’Artanyan, D’Artanyan is a Musketeer! Treville presents him with a tabard and says he can even be a lieutenant if he distinguishes himself in battle at La Rochelle, which seems overly optimistic. Treville then refuses to explain the war to a highly depressed D’Artanyan on the grounds that it literally doesn’t matter who they are fighting and for what reason.

“But let’s be honest,

A war is always robbery,

Pardon my frankness.”

A remarkably cynical war song about how God probably doesn’t care if the Catholics or the Hugenots have control of La Rochelle.

Up until now, Milady has been presented as a competent agent of the Cardinal without being treated as a sex object, and yet Rochefort starts sexually harassing her only seven minutes into this final episode. Luckily, Milady is from the Anne of Austria school of sarcasm, and doesn’t have any patience for his flirtation.

Meanwhile, Athos is making up for his extreme lack of alcoholism in the previous episodes by downing as much wine as possible. He sits D’Art down to sing to him the tragic tale of the Count de la Fere and his bride, power-ballad style.

It’s a fascinating song, because he keeps singing about lilies in a black pond on the Count’s estate, and at one point you realise that he’s also talking about the fleur-de-lis mark on his wife’s shoulder, and he claims that both the Count and his wife DROWNED IN THE POND, though apparently it was metaphorical for both of them.

Every time I think Athos isn’t my favourite, he always is.

D’Artanyan drags a drunken Athos out to the main room of the Red Dove Inn so they can sing their bro song with Porthos and Aramis, and cheer each other up. It’s adorable.

But of course, Athos has to sneak off and overhear Milady plotting with the Cardinal… and once she is alone, to confront his wife.

It’s a fascinating scene. She literally screams and throws herself on the nearest bed when she sees him, while he retaliates by taking off all his weapons and methodically cleaning and loading his musket at her while they discuss their relationship.

The tension, it sizzles.

Another structure reversal: the wine of Anjou comes after Athos’ confrontation with Milady – or simultaneously, rather, so he only just manages to save D’Artanyan from the poison by letting her escape. Having spent the last year writing a story that corresponds as closely as possible to the original structure of The Three Musketeers, I’m fascinated to see the effect of switching around some of these events in an otherwise super-accurate adaptation. The pacing of this version certainly works better than in the Richard Lester films, which is the only comparable adaptation as far as running time and how much of the original story is jammed in.

Can I just say how much I love that Milady’s hat is better than any of the other Musketeers’ hats? She leaps out of a window on to her horse, Princess Bride style, and takes off in high style with D’Artanyan in pursuit.

Meanwhile, Athos goes off for some manly bonding with the Executioner of Lille…

Kitty is back! The maid has very little to do in this story now that Milady and D’Artanyan aren’t hooking up, but manages to stick her tongue out at her mistress; obviously not a fan.

Milady, meanwhile, is captured by the English while wearing an extraordinary bee-striped fake fur. Her magnificent mane of blonde curls, which should receive credit a character in its own right, comes to the fore in a scene where she tries to convince her captor that she is a truly pious woman – with so much bowing and praying, her wild hair entirely takes over the acting duties.

Cue a sultry, highly sexually-charged song in which Milady sings about what a good Christian she is while writhing against the architecture (just short of pole dancing).

“I have been branded

By my persecutors

My sin is that

I want to die

In my prime.

Ashamed to look in the eyes

There’s no one to protect me.”

Milady brings her performance to an end with an implied strip tease in which she removes no clothing whatsoever, but still manages to hypnotise her guard (Felton, one presumes) into having murderous thoughts about the Duke of Buckingham.

She does like to outsource her assassinations, where possible.

Oh, my mistake, there is actual pole dancing, though it mostly involves the rope rather than the pole.

It took Dumas five chapters to convey what Margarita Terekhova achieves in a single dance number. And that is why musicals are amazing.

Kitty/Kate gets her own song too, as it turns out: she wanders lonely on a nearby beach, crooning lovingly about D’Artanyan’s moustache and his sword. Are they actually fitting in the Milady-D’Artanyan-Kitty love triangle this late in the day? I think they ARE.

D’Artanyan pretends to be in love with Milady as an excuse for seeking her out (I’m here to kill your mistress not the best conversation opener), and a jealous Kitty promptly throws herself at him for some serious snogging. We don’t see what happens next, but she presumably gives him directions to find Milady, and/or doesn’t try to stop him after he shows her a good time in the bushes. Draw your own conclusions.

D’Art breaks into Milady’s prison/beach cottage (possibly it’s both?) with murder in mind. She promptly turns on her panicked drama queen act, reminding him about that time Rochefort made fun of his horse (really now?) and claiming complete innocence plus love for him. Luckily D’Art is not actually that stupid, and won’t let her seduce him into forgetting that she murdered Constance. Also, Athos turns up just in time to make sure no one is making bad life choices. There’s an irony in that.

As Milady is led to her execution, she is still trying to convince D’Artanyan that she is in love with him, despite the fact that this version of the story doesn’t actually include their affair. Obviously she read the book more closely than everyone else, which is probably not a lot of consolation as the Executioner goes after her with his axe, on the shores of a windswept lake.

“In the Count’s park

There’s a black pond

Where lilies blossom…”

So having summarily executed Athos’ wife, the Musketeers relax except for D’Artanyan who is kinda pissed off at the universe. It’s hard to blame him, really.

Athos, with his usual face of blank emotion, convinces him that happiness is hanging out with your friends. What more do they need?

SONG, THEY NEED SONG, THAT’S WHAT THEY NEED.

“We know, we are not children:

Our life

Is full of danger

But how can one

Choose not to live,

If you love life

With your body and soul.”

As our boys complete their beautiful quartet, some particularly punchable members of the Red Guard come over, mocking them for their pretty singing. Which is kind of awesome, because the only thing that Musketeers like better than singing love songs to each other is fighting with the Red Guard.

The Cardinal, reflecting on Milady’s fate with Rochefort, decides that the Musketeers are so badass, he wants to be friends with them. Some elaborate slapstick with paperwork later, D’Artanyan becomes a Lieutenant after his friends all turn down the favour. Sure, he’s only been a Musketeer for five minutes, but his moustache is mighty and he carries a tune like no one else.

DRUNKEN BREAKFAST AT THE BASTION, YOU GUYS! Sure, it’s going to kill us all, but at least we’ll go out in style as is only appropriate for the Musketeers who sing and dance. Tiny spatchcock and arquebus shooting for everyone.

“When your friend is bleeding

A la guerre comme

A la guerre!

When your friend is bleeding,

Be there till the end.”

This Musketeer Media Monday post was brought to you by the paid sponsors of Musketeer Space, all 70+ of them. You guys rule! Previous posts in this series include:

Musketeers in an Exciting Adventure With Airships (2011)

Musketeers Are All For Love (1993)

Looks Good in Leather: BBC Musketeer Edition Part I (2014)

You Can Leave Your Hat On: BBC Musketeer Edition Part II (2014)

It’s Raining Musketeers: BBC Musketeer Edition Part III (2014)

Mickey Mouse the Musketeer (2004)

Musketeers Crack Me Up Seventies Style (1973)

Musketeer in Pink (2009)

Musketeers Break My Heart Seventies Style (1974)

Musketeers in Technicolor (1948)

Musketeer on Mars (2008, 2012)

Bat’Magnan and the Mean Musketeers (2001)

ROBOTECH REWATCH 41: Spies Make Terrible Boyfriends

George is underdressed for his first date with Dana.

At ease, troopers, Robotech is back.

Episode 46 – Stardust



The Robotech Masters and their amazing clone friends start their scientific experiments on the human hostages, including examination of their memories. They are particularly interested in social habits and the whole weird mating ritual thing that makes it clear humans are very different to Zentraedi.

The Robotech Masters are surprised to discover how little humans actually know about Protoculture, though this will help them with their task – if the humans don’t know much about the protoculture matrix, they can’t stop the Masters taking it back from the ruins of the space fortress.

(Ha, like humans need to know anything about anything in order to ruin your plans)

Still, these humans are a sneaky bunch. It’s time to plant a spy in their midst! Zor Prime is primed and ready to go. Heh.

Meanwhile, Dana tries to stop Leonard and the others from destroying the ‘inert’ pilot fro the Bioroid she captured. The high command gaslight her and refuse to listen as she complains that the pilot is a living being.

Even Emerson gives her a talking to afterwards, and Dana reacts by stomping off and taking Bowie to a nightclub instead of doing their usual hover bike patrol.

Dana swoons over the ‘dreamboat’ singer at the club – Bowie’s friend George Sullivan. Bowie rolls his eyes at Dana’s flirtation, because she is the world’s most embarrassing friend.

We are then treated to the most lacklustre crooner performance of Minmei’s “It’s You.” Come back, Minmei, all is forgiven! Sing your own songs so we won’t be subjected to this again!

George asks Dana out with all the enthusiasm of a cardboard cut-out. There will be no shipping of Dana and George, so don’t’ even try.

“Some people have all the luck. Where did I go wrong?” I’m not actually sure who Bowie is jealous of in this instance, given that so far the only person he’s canonically shown romantic interest in was an enemy alien on a spaceship he invaded so… Still, I had a moment of panic that there might be a previously-unknown Bowie Dana romance hidden somewhere in this show. There will be NO shipping of Bowie and Dana!

Dana sneaks back to say goodbye to George and discovers he is a GMP spy and was only halfheartedly flirting with her in order to milk her for information on the downed Robotech Masters ship.

The Global Military Police have such a wide remit! Secret laboratories, carrying communications from command to the field, catching soldiers who sneak out to play piano in bars. Now apparently they have a whole espionage arm. Though it seems like George is actually spying on their own army which… is odd. I do not trust George unless Nova Satori says he’s okay, because up until now she has been doing all of the GMP’s work.

To her credit, Dana doesn’t throw a hissy fit about George’s sneakiness, but figures out quickly that he can be useful to her. There’s been a lack of communication between Military Intelligence and her own squadron, so she decides to milk it directly from the source in time for the next mission. This is the most impressed I have ever been with Dana.

I am slightly less impressed that she waits until her squadron have actually started their mission, then promptly goes AWOL to grab George. Surely she could have found time a little earlier? Anyway, Dana tries to play dumb for a minute before getting bored and just laying her cards on the table. George retaliates by sharing his tragic backstory with her.

Dana smiles sweetly and pretends to listen to his sob story about a dead little sister, then convinces George to come and help fight the aliens with her. He joins her in her hovertank and uses his cyberhacking skills to figure out the most sensitive areas for Dana to shoot. Because he is the world’s most terribel spy as well as being an unsatisfactory boyfriend, George is promptly plucked out of Dana’s hovertank (seat belts, people, the future needs seat belts) and is killed in action.

What exactly IS the remit of the Global Military Police? Because up until now they have been about dealing with crime and insubordination inside the army, not actual espionage against alien foes. And why exactly was this information not getting through to the 15th in the first place? But, okay. Bonus points for including a hacker on the team in a show made in the 80′s, before the Age of the Geek set in for sure.

During the battle, Marie is shot out of the sky and Sean catches her ship in the arms of his hover tank, because he’s romantic like that. Yeah, I ship them, shut up. They have more chemistry together when they’re not even in the same scene than any number of Dana-George scenes.

Dana gets a direct and powerful hit on the incoming spaceship, but it waddles off back into orbit, seemingly undamaged. Dana is sad that George gave his life for a big fat nothing. He will never be mentioned again.

Man, he was dull.

This weekly rewatch of classic animated space opera Robotech is brought to you as bonus content for the Musketeer Space project.

Thanks to everyone who has linked, commented, or sponsored me.

You can support Musketeer Space at Patreon.

Musketeer Space Part 42: Communications in Outer Space

It’s Musketeer Day!

I’m at home with two sick, cranky children, but there’s always Musketeers to keep me company.

I had a jetsetting weekend, flying into Canberra for a fantastic launch of new book Cranky Ladies of History, the first book I have edited (co-edited) in twelve years, now available from Fablecroft.

Thank you so much to the extraordinary Karen Middleton for joining us to launch this wonderful book that I regularly hug to my chest. You can check out the amazing array of Cat Sparks photos from the event here on Flickr. So proud of this book, and I was so glad to hang out with so many of my East Coast friends on Sunday.

Start reading Musketeer Space from Part 1

Missed the last installment? Track back to Part 41

Read a festive Musketeer Space prequel, “Seven Days of Joyeux.”

Main Page & Table of Contents

PREVIOUSLY ON MUSKETEER SPACE: The Sun-kissed besieged the planet of Truth some time ago, and now Dana and her Three Musketeer best friends have shipped out to war as reinforcements for the Royal Fleet. Also, remember when Conrad Su got himself kidnapped for messing with palace politics? Fun times.

NOW READ ON!

Chapter 42: Communications in Outer Space

The jump system was only legal for military operations within Crown Space, on the grounds that they were the ones with robust enough comms frequencies to be trusted with the technology. No one wanted to be part of an interstellar pileup after civilian spaceships had literally materialised inside each other.

The Frenzy Kenzie and other arquebus-class venturers (like the Church Fleet’s own St Konstantina, chugging alongside them) were too large and antiquated to be fitted for jump engines, but their own steady pace of star travel was roughly equivalent to the recharging time that dart engines required between jumps.

As systems went, it worked fine, except for the high boredom factor of pilots in general, and Musketeers in particular.

Dana was on constant rotation, flying the support transport, while her friends were stuck in their own darts with literally nothing to do between jumps but use Fleetnet to message her, and each other, about the most trivial things.

It would take six jumps and eight days for the Second Wave of the Combined Royal Fleet to reach Truth Space. By the third time Dana had caught up with the Musketeers, she was amazed that they had not yet started challenging the Sabres to dogfights out of sheer boredom.

FRENZYKENZIE3: Porthos, for the last time, I don’t want to hear about your stomach.

HOYDEN: Jump always makes me feel so sick.

FRENZYKENZIE3: Considering you and Athos just woke up from a twelve hour sleep rotation while I got to be the only person fielding Aramis’ insecurities about her girlfriend for did I mention twelve hours, I’m going to go with no. No pity. None left.

MORNINGSTAR: No one is insecure, who said I was insecure?

FRENZYKENZIE3: Porthos, is this a group chat??? Warn a person first.

HOYDEN: It’s not my fault you started talking about our friends behind their backs.

FRENZYKENZIE3: Nothing I haven’t said to their faces.

PISTACHIOGRUMPYFACE: I believe I already requested to be taken off any and all discussions about anything short of war-related emergencies.

PISTACHIOGRUMPYFACE: Right, who changed my username?

When the message from ‘unknown user’ clicked through her comm, containing only a set of spacial co-ordinates, Dana assumed it was Aramis or Porthos pissing about, stripping their ID from the message for a practical joke.

But it wasn’t obvious or funny enough, especially when Dana checked the pre-programmed flightpath to discover that they were already due to cross the co-ordinates in question – and none of the Musket-class Captains Lieutenant were cleared to know the exact nature of the Frenzy Kenzie’s flight path.

Should she divert to avoid those co-ordinates? A diversion would show up on her daily report, and she wasn’t sure if this message constituted a threat, or a promise.

In the end, she did an extra scan on the area ahead shortly before allowing the arquebus to continue on the route as planned.

Five minutes before she reached that point in space, the main screen above her dashboard filled briefly with static, picking up a signal from a local transmitter. There were no satellites in their path, suggesting that if there was a transmitter it was tiny, and had been left here like a message in a bottle.

After a minute of static, the screen dissolved into footage from an old fleur-de-lis game. Dana knew it was old, because it showed the original Emerald Knights team: Prince Alek, Conrad Su and Chevreuse opposite a team called the Burly Lions.

For a moment, she allowed herself to become caught up in the game – the fluid movements of the athletes powering through the zero gravity tank. The glee on their faces as they racked up points between the three of them.

And oh – Conrad. His hair was longer in this footage, spiking low into his eyes. He and the Prince and Chevreuse moved together as if they were a single unit, sharing a brain as well as matched green uniforms.

At one point, he practically fell face-first into the vid screen, and threw a flirtatious grin directly at the viewer – at Dana – before spinning backwards in a series of somersaults that took his opponent by surprise and allowed Chevreuse to bodyslam that player halfway across the tank.

Why would someone send her this?

Dana checked her instruments – the Frenzy Kenzie would move out of range of the transmission shortly, based on when the connection had been made. Quickly, she flexed her fingers and her thoughts into the ship’s engines, powering down to slow drift. She sent a message to Bass with an excuse:

GETTING ODD READINGS FROM POWER SPHERES, CAN YOU CHECK THE COUPLINGS? WE CAN STILL MAKE THE RENDEZVOUS ON TIME IF WE DRIFT FOR 15 MINS.

The part about the time buffer, at least, was true. She didn’t want to risk missing any important information from this transmission, but she wasn’t willing to risk making the entire Second Wave of the Combined Royal Fleet late for a battle.

Bass’ response was a series of exclamation marks, and an emoji that looked like either a thumb’s up or a dick joke. She was going to assume it was a thumb.

The game footage ran to static, and Dana’s first thought was that she had slowed the Frenzy Kenzie too late, but then the screen cleared again, and she saw what looked very much like a timestamped live feed of a dark, stone-walled cell.

“Do you have nothing to say to your wife?” a voice said from behind the cam. A familiar voice, Dana realised with a chill down her spine. Those smooth tones belonged to Milord.

A dark shape shifted and turned towards the screen. Dana bit her lip as she recognised the tired, pissed-off face of Conrad Su. Now, according to the date and time numbers running along the bottom of the screen. Wherever he was, right now, he was alive.

He stood slowly, stretching his legs, showing no sign of injury, and then began to walk towards the cam. There was no sign of that gorgeous grin of his now. He stared into the screen, head tilted slightly, eyes blazing into it. “Whoever’s benefit you’re doing this for, Slate, I know one thing. It’s not my wife.”

“Oh, but that’s interesting,” purred Milord. “Which of my many enemies is it that you think you’re talking to?”

Dana clenched her fists, because otherwise she would be reaching out for the screen like an idiot, as if she could actually drag Conrad through it to safety.

“I’m friends with the Prince Consort,” Conrad said fiercely. “It’s not difficult to work out why you might think you can use me to hurt the royal family.”

“Ah, and here I was hoping you had more than muscle between those ears of yours,” said Milord, sounding bored.

Conrad turned the full force of his glare into the screen. “Luckily Alek knows better than to make stupid risks just because he doesn’t want to audition a new pole attack.”

Dana rolled her eyes at his bravado, and her own foolishness. She forgot sometimes that Conrad had been wrapped up in court intrigue long before she breezed into Paris.

He probably didn’t even remember her name.

“You’d be surprised how many enemies I have who think you’re worth rescuing,” said that hateful voice behind the cam. “Say hello to Sergeant D’Artagnan.”

Conrad’s head flicked up and away, his face registering something – surprise? Irritation? Dana barely got a chance to see before static overwhelmed the screen all over again. This time, the footage did not return.

“All clear, Sarge!” Bass said cheerfully through her comm. “The ship’s security also picked up a magnetic transmitter-bot in the area, probably some new spyware thing trying to register our location. Zapped it good, so it won’t be able to trace us.”

“Good,” said Dana, more calmly than she felt. “That’s good work, Bass.”

Spyware. Damn it all. She should have steered clear of this location, avoiding the co-ordinates. She couldn’t risk the Fleet for one man, especially when Conrad had made it very clear that he valued loyalty to Crown and Solar System above all things.

If Milord wanted her to see that transmission, then nothing good would come from it.

“Get a grip, D’Artagan,” she muttered to herself. “Milord is just trying to screw with you. War before boys.”

But she couldn’t erase that image of the stone-walled cell from her mind, no matter how much she tried to focus on the job at hand.

Conrad Su was still alive, for now. But he was in Milord’s custody, and Milord wanted revenge on Dana. All she could hope for was that he had some other use for Conrad, something that would keep him alive a little longer.

The second last rendezvous before the final jump to Truth Space was an otherwise empty part of space, halfway between Peace and Truth. As Dana approached, she was alarmed to discover that the usual heat signatures of 80 or so darts was not registering on her dash.

That was also the point that she realised a whole three hours had passed without any trivial Fleetnet message pinging her screen from Aramis, Athos or Porthos.

FRENZYKENZIE3: Is there an issue with the rendezvous?

STKONSTANTINA1: Have received no alerts.

FRENZYKENZIE3: The Fleet’s not where it’s supposed to be. How far out are you?

STKONSTANTINA1: Twenty minutes ahead of you. Looks like they jumped early – update coming through shortly.

Dana waited and tried not to fret. Chantal came up to join her on the bridge, which she appreciated, because the silence of the comms was unnerving.

“This happened to me on a long haul mission once before,” said the Printing and Inventory Specialist, in a voice that was probably supposed to be motherly and comforting, but mostly set Dana’s teeth on edge. “Usual protocol is that they leave one pilot behind in stealth mode, to deliver new co-ordinates in person.”

“But our next rendezvous is Truth,” Dana argued. “I mean, it’s a planet. It’s not like it can have moved anywhere else in the meantime.

Chantal gave her an almost-pitying look. “If our orders have changed, maybe we’re not heading to Truth any more.”

When the stealth ship connected to the Frenzy Kenzie, it was with a clang that reverberated across the whole ship.

“Official protocol, you say,” Dana said, swallowing hard.

“Either that, or we’ve just been boarded by the enemy,” said Chantal.

“That’s not as comforting as you think it is.”

“It wasn’t supposed to be comforting!”

Bass spoke quietly to them both over the comms. “It’s a silver moth-fighter. One of ours.”

“You can tell that from the noise it made?” said Dana, impressed.

Bass covered a laugh with a snort. “Oh, honey, no. The main airlock has a plexi-glass window. I can see it from here. Hang on, bringing our visitor on board.”

The next ten minutes felt like an hour, punctuated only by a short message from Bass confirming that their messenger’s ID checked out; she represented Cardinal Richelieu and the Church Fleet.

That was even less reassuring than anything Chantal had to say.

Dana managed to unhook herself from helm and harness, to greet the Church pilot as she entered the cockpit. There were a quarter of a million Moth fighters in the solar system, and yet Dana was completely unsurprised when her stealth visitor removed her helmet, and a long fall of black hair swung out.

“Hey, you,” said Agent Rosnay Cho.

“Are you even in the Fleet?” Dana blurted. She was used to seeing the special agent in ridiculous candy pastel colours, far too cutesy for her vivid looks and sharp tongue. She looked good in red, with the Church Fleet jacket of scarlet and gold over a matching flight suit.

“I am now,” Ro said with a smirk. She held up a small clamshell. “Eyes only, Captain D’Artagnan. Especially for you.”

“Arms-Sergeant,” Dana corrected, but gave Chantal and Bass a firm nod to clear out.

Ro shook her head with a devastating smile. “You know the code, Dana. When you’re steering the ship, you’re the Captain, regardless of rank.”

Dana was tired. Tired of hiding and secrets and not knowing who to trust. Tired of worrying about Conrad and her friends and the whole fucking solar system. “Where the hell is the Fleet, Ro?” she asked, and didn’t even care that the nickname had slipped out.

Ro’s smile softened for a second – brief enough that Dana later thought she must have imagined it – and then she was all business. “Three hours ago, the teardrop armada made their move.” She clicked open the clamshell to show a series of images: the now iconic picture of the grey “teardrop” ships of the Sun-kissed hanging in orbit around Truth, then the shocking development of the ships replicating in twos and threes, until there was nothing but a cloud of grey wrapping around the entire planet.

“That’s -” said Dana, and swallowed hard.

“You can swear for a while if you like,” Ro said helpfully. “The Captain of the St Konstantina is still thinking up new synonyms for ‘fuck’ – I left her to it after the first ten minutes.”

“Have they still not fired any shots?”

“It depends what you mean by shots and fired,” Ro said grimly. “This particular manoeuvre coincided with some kind of power wave that knocked about forty Fleet ships out of their orbital position, and sent all electronics screwy. They managed to get a subsonic message through to the incoming reinforcements, warning that all systems had been compromised. That’s why the Cardinal and the Regent moved the rendezvous. And that’s why you’re about to make a serious course correction.”

Ro passed over a new set of co-ordinates and Dana returned to her helm and harness, programming in the new flight path. Her radar picked up the St Konstantina, already tracking ahead of the Frenzy Kenzie.

When Dana finally looked up, Ro was sitting in the co-pilot’s seat beside her, looking remarkably comfortable. “Moth’s spheres need recharging,” she said. “You don’t mind if I hang around for a few hours?”

“Do I have a choice?” said Dana sharply.

Ro grinned. “Nope.”

Dana gave herself over to the navigation of the ship, ignoring the intruder for ten minutes that felt more like an hour. When she darted a look under her eyelashes at Ro, the other woman appeared to be napping.

“The Cardinal is in league with the Sun-kissed, you know,” Dana said in a low, conversational tone, to see if she was awake.

Ro’s eyes flew open. It was the first time Dana had ever seen her remotely ruffled. “Damn it, D’Artagnan, you can’t say things like that,” she snapped.

“Can’t I? It’s true.”

“I know you Musketeers are basically children who think it’s all about taking sides in the playground,” Ro said after a long, strangled pause. “But this is ridiculous. Her Eminence has always done what she thinks is best for the Crown and the whole fucking Solar System, that’s the entire remit of the Church – to protect humanity. The Sun-kissed have no part in that.”

“She’s compromised, and so are you,” said Dana, managing to keep her hands steady on the controls despite the anger that flooded her whole system. “How many of the Cardinal’s plots involved the agent called Milord De Winter?”

Ro narrowed her eyes. “I warned you he was dangerous,” she reminded Dana.

“You didn’t tell me he was Sun-kissed.”

And there, she had surprised her. The special agent sat there in silence for a few minutes, while Dana steered the smooth metal tube that was the Frenzy Kenzie on towards their new rendezvous.

“How exactly did he compromise you, Dana?” Rosnay Cho asked after a long moment. “How deeply did you have to dig, to find out that particular secret?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Ro huffed to herself, looking almost amused. “Yeah, that’s about what I thought.”

“Did you know?” Dana asked, after a silence had fallen between them.

Ro looked at her from beneath her sweeping fringe and long, dark eyelashes. “Of course I didn’t bloody know. Just because the Cardinal doesn’t gambol around covering up evidence of royal adultery like some people doesn’t mean she would betray the human race.” She scowled darkly. “And neither would I.”

“You know now,” said Dana. It was odd, having the upper hand. She did not have the faintest idea how to use it to her advantage. It felt refreshing, though, to speak honestly. “What are you going to do about it?”

Ro shook her head, thoroughly pissed off. “Give me more than two minutes to assimilate this upsetting piece of intelligence. I’ll let you know.”

It took Dana a little while to realise what she felt in that moment – a warmth similar to when she had confessed to Athos, Aramis and Porthos about Milord.

She was no longer alone with this terrible news, and she would not have to work out what to do with that knowledge, without help.

What on earth did it mean, that she was feeling this way about Agent Rosnay Cho?

You have been reading Musketeer Space, by Tansy Rayner Roberts. Tune in next week for another chapter! Please comment, share and link. Musketeer Space is free to read, but if you’d like to support the project for as little as $1 per month, please visit my Patreon page. Pledges can earn rewards such as ebooks, extra content, dedications and the naming of spaceships. Milestones already unlocked include the Musketeer Media Monday posts, the Robotech Rewatch posts, and “Seven Days of Joyeux,” a special Christmas prequel novella which was released in December 2014. My next funding milestone will unlock GORGEOUS COVER ART.

ROBOTECH REWATCH 40: Who are the Invid?

Hold your position, Robotech transmissions will now resume.

Episode 45 – Metal Fire

Dana blows up at Angelo for his casual anti-alien racism. He obviously hasn’t got the memo about her being the famous first child born to a human-Zentraedi relationship.

Bowie, meanwhile, is moping about the pretty girl he saw on the flagship – and the narrator conveniently provides us with a short bio about her, so we learn before Bowie that she is Musica, sister to Allegra and Octavia, clones created by the Robotech Masters.

The Robotech Masters are concerned at how the humans are freaking out about their presence, when they never intended to cause harm or worry – just to strip the planet of Protoculture before a race called the Invid arrives.

Dana and Louis are called in to observe the captured Bioroid. Louis is excited about the machine, and its response to stimuli. He believes it’s an armoured suit that is bio-mechanical and possibly an entirely new form of life form.

Would it be tactless to point out they were referring to these things as Bioroids long before they knew this fact about them?

Louis figures out from their battle records that the only way to destroy the ships without them healing rapidly is with direct hits to the cockpit. The commanders are excited about this, planning to give the order that they only shoot at the cockpit from now on, but Dana is horrified at the idea because it now seems obvious to her that the pilots must be human, not androids.

The scientists are convinced that the pilots are micronised clones or androids based on Zentraedi – but Dana argues against this, certain that they are living people.

Supreme Commander Leonard has a tantrum at her and kicks her out of the meeting.

Emerson tries to argue for diplomatic solutions, but Leonard gets angry at the very idea – he doesn’t see the point of diplomacy if you can’t approach it from a position of strength, and he also believes the Robotech Masters are basically barbarians. Everything makes Leonard angry. Leonard has issues.

An unexpected alien armada formed from Bioroids attacks the civilian city (too much for this continuity junkie to hope it’s Macross City?) and the 15th scramble into their suits. Louis comes up with methods to disable the hovercrafts and Dana pleads with Angelo and the others to try to disable instead of destroy.

The rest of the 15th argue with her on the grounds that taking out the legs without the cockpits puts them in danger – they continue to be shot at – which is a problem even if their opponents are living beings.

To their surprise, it turns out that the Bioroids are here to abduct live civilians, and they are unable to prevent the mass taking of hostages.

Supreme Commander Leonard insists that the 200 hostages be listed as casualties in the official report. Charming man.

So, lots of ethical issues this episode – and lots of confusion about who exactly is human, what ‘human’ means and so on. But the big reveal this week is that the Robotech Masters have a motive beyond completionism to find that pesky protoculture matrix from the SDF1 – the ones that the humans never managed to find even when they were living in the thing.

No, they’re doing it because they are worried about an alien race called the Invid. These guys are important because they’re not going to be anything more than an ominous name in this series, but will be central to the third Robotech war.

Right now, we have no idea who they are. Except that they’re scary enough that the Robotech Masters are very intimidated. Stay tuned!

This weekly rewatch of classic animated space opera Robotech is brought to you as bonus content for the Musketeer Space project.

Thanks to everyone who has linked, commented, or sponsored me.

You can support Musketeer Space at Patreon.

Friday Links is a Secret Princess Story

I haven’t watched Jupiter Ascending, but I have been fascinated by the meta commentary around about whether it’s a bad film or not, and whether it’s an anti-feminist film or not, and so on.

The Fangirl Happy Hour reviewed it very positively and got into some fantastic meta about what the film does well, while still (and this is crucial) not necessarily being a good film. Renay’s rant on agency and how a perceived lack of it is used too often to dismiss female-centred stories is a masterwork of criticism that she’s obviously been building up to for some time and everyone should listen to it.

I’d like to add this Tumblr post which explains how Jupiter Ascending is being criticised for failing to meet the requirements for a Chosen Hero narrative, when in fact it is a Secret Princess story, and that has different narrative beats.

Then we have Kate Elliott at Tor.com, being brilliant about Writing Female Characters as Human Beings – with an articulate, point by point exploration of how writers can do better at this particular skill, should they aspire to do so. She also talks about agency, and how there are different kinds of agency in real life as in stories. The article is full of practical advice and while some of the comments are frustrating, many of them add thoughtful layers to the conversation as a whole.

Random Alex and I (and many other interesting people) took part in a recent MindMeld on which standalone books we would like to have sequels.

Apart from that, nothing at all has happened this week except that the Silent Producer and I got to the end of Friday Night Lights and we are now BEREFT beyond the telling of it. Seriously, the house has gone into mourning. It wouldn’t be quite so bad, but we’re only half a season away from being done with Leverage too and then I think we honestly will just take to our beds in misery for like, a week.

My only consolation is that when Tyra finally got out of that town and went to college, she was obviously recruited by SHIELD. Agents of SHIELD is honestly so much more interesting with that particular headcanon

Musketeer Space Part 41: Driving the Arquebus

It’s Musketeer day!

A brand new month means more Musketeer hijinks in space. I’ve finally found a home for one of the spaceship names that I promised to include back when the project began – I still have a couple of these pending, and only one ‘name this spaceship’ option left on my Patreon page.

Start reading Musketeer Space from Part 1

Missed the last installment? Track back to Part 40

Read a festive Musketeer Space prequel, “Seven Days of Joyeux.”

Main Page & Table of Contents

PREVIOUSLY ON MUSKETEER SPACE: Dana D’Artagnan has been thwarting the Cardinal ever since she set foot on Paris Satellite: protecting the Prince Consort from the diamond stud plot, teaming up with her friends the Musketeers, and basically making a nuisance of herself. Somehow that’s earned her a job offer.

NOW READ ON!

Chapter 41 – Driving the Arquebus

Dana opened her mouth, but nothing came out. The Red Guard.

She was so used to thinking of the Cardinal as her enemy. Could this offer be genuine?

“You would of course be flying a Sabre into Truth Space within the week,” said the Cardinal, holding her cup of tea with the same elegance she did everything else. “I know Treville brushed you off with some grunt work – supplies transport? Far beyond your capabilities, I would have thought. But then, my dear Jeanne so often displays a remarkable lack of imagination.”

Dana’s own teacup rattled against its saucer, and she put it down in a hurry. The last thing she wanted was to break some antique crockery in this ridiculously beautiful room.

“I see potential in you, D’Artagnan,” said the Cardinal, as if Dana wasn’t staring at her like a gaping goldfish cartoon. “I only recruit the most talented, the most energetic, the most courageous young pilots. You will accept, of course.”

It wasn’t even a question. If Dana didn’t say something soon, she would be signing a contract in pastry crumbs and icing sugar right here at the table.

“I – no,” she said faintly. “I’m sorry. But I’m happy where I am.”

And there was the Cardinal Richelieu that everyone sounded so afraid of. The woman’s face didn’t even change; there wasn’t a twitch of difference to her expression or her body language. But it was as if the light had died in her eyes, leaving her flinty and carved out of stone.

“I cannot think why you would refuse,” she said in a perfectly even voice. “Don’t you know that an offer like this is what great careers are built upon?”

“I serve the Crown, however Commandant Essart and Amiral Treville choose to employ me,” said Dana, her voice sounding remarkably normal considering that she was almost certainly going to be stabbed with a cake fork.

“You realise, of course,” said the Cardinal with all politeness, “That the Church Fleet serves the Crown. If you fly for Paris, you fly for our beloved Regent, no matter who is your commanding officer.”

“I know that,” Dana said desperately, “But -”

But I don’t know enough to trust you. I don’t know if you truly serve the Crown, or if you would ever put the Regent ahead of yourself. All I know is that you and Milord have worked together, and that means you could be allied with the Sun-kissed.

“I made this offer for your own protection, young D’Artagnan. I have had reports of your activities – your adventures – and it seems to me that you have spent many days and nights doing the precise opposite of serving our beloved Regent Royal.”

The chill against those last few words was intense, like staring into the face of an ice comet.

“You see now,” said the Cardinal gently, after a silence that was far too long to be considered polite. “Why I offer my protection.”

For one fleeting, shameful moment, Dana considered the possibility of how she might look in the smart, red-and-gold livery of a Sabre pilot.

“If I may speak frankly,” she said, playing for time.

“From what I hear, Arms-Sergeant, you do not usually hold back your opinion.”

Dana took a deep breath, trying to construct her thoughts in the formal, political language that everyone seemed to employ in the Palace. “Nearly every friend or ally I have made since coming to Paris has been associated with the Musketeers, or Commandant Essart’s Mecha Corps. And while I have not tried to make enemies – I now have several, and all of them have at one time or another been in your employ.”

The Cardinal raised one highly sarcastic eyebrow, as Dana hesitated. “Oh, do go on. This is fascinating.”

“If I accept your offer, I will have nothing but enemies, both here and there. Perhaps after the battle, if I acquit myself honourably, I would deserve such a promotion and it would seem to the world far less like a convenient bribe for my loyalties.”

The Cardinal smiled with all her teeth. “Ah, I forgot that you are so young. Who but a child would deny herself a career of the highest honour because of what her friends might say?”

My friends would tell me that taking your offer was in my best interest, Dana thought fiercely. That is why they do not get a vote.

“That is my answer,” she said simply.

The Cardinal stood swiftly, making it clear that their interview was at an end. “When you fall into misfortune, young D’Artagnan – and you will – I hope you will recall that I extended the offer of friendship and forgiveness to you, and that you rejected my help.”

“I am grateful for your generosity,” said Dana, the words feeling like mining grit in her mouth.

When she left the salon, she found Agent Rosnay Cho leaning casually against the wall of the gallery, waiting for her. “Should have taken the offer,” Ro said in a low, considering voice.

Dana met her gaze steadily. “I’m not so easily bought.”

Ro rolled her eyes. “She was right. You’re a child.”

That night, in the Abbey of St Germain, surrounded by what felt like every Musketeer in Paris, Dana shared the story of what she and the Cardinal had said to each other, over many cups of wine with her closest friends.

Aramis and Porthos, distracted though they were by the farewells they needed to make to their various lovers, both gave Dana supportive hugs and insisted she had made the right choice.

Only Athos, who had no one to farewell except an excellent vintage bottle of brandy, gave Dana’s refusal more serious thought. “You did what you had to do,” he said finally, his eyes fixed on his cup. “I would have done the same. And yet – that doesn’t mean it was the right decision.”

Drunk enough to be daring, Dana leaned in and gave him a smacking and only slightly sarcastic kiss on his forehead. “Athos, you always know exactly what to say.”

“It’s a gift,” he agreed.

“Welcome to Supplies Team Delta!” said a cheerful young man with a shaven head and whorled tattoos that covered him from scalp to shoulder. “I’m Bass and this is Chantal.” He indicated a remarkably short and cheerful white woman with pierced fingernails and two dainty silver horn implants protruding from her forehead. “We’re your team leaders. I’m a Maintenance Specialist, while Chantal is Printing and Inventory.”

“And you’re the pilot,” Chantal added helpfully. “Welcome to the Frenzy Kenzie, Arms-Sergeant D’Artagnan!”

Dana had never met two less military people in her life. “I guess you can call me Dana?” she offered, unable to phrase it as anything but a question.

Bass gave her a remarkably friendly hug. “See, we’re going to get along great! Sorry that your orientation is so last minute – we ship out in three hours – but the boat was still being rebuilt until early this morning.

“Acidsplosion,” Chantal said gravely.

The ‘boat’ was a massive, dark blue tube of an arquebus-class venturer. Dana had piloted something similar once or twice when she was still a trainee back on Gascon Station, because Freedom still used arquebus-class venturers for supplies and trading. This one looked newer than the one Dana had practiced in, though it was clear from the specs that the back half was a lot newer than the front half – it had been all but printed from scratch in the rebuild.

It was traditional for a new pilot to walk entirely around her ship before setting foot aboard. With the size of the Frenzy Kenzie, that wasn’t practical, but Bass and Chantal dragged Dana into a storage buggy instead so they could drive her around the perimeter.

For the first time, all this started to feel far too real. They were going into a war zone. An war zone where no shot had (still) been fired, but still. It was overwhelming.

It was just so bloody huge. The ship, not the situation. Yes, also the situation.

When she saw the tail end of the ship, Dana let out a surprising bark of a laugh. “Who designed the tattoo?”

“It’s mine,” said Chantal, looking pink with embarrassment. “I mean, my kids drew it. You can put your own on if you’d prefer.”

“No, I like it,” Dana said quickly. It was a children’s drawing, all right, of three people waving madly under a slightly squiggly rainbow. “Is it really just the three of us crewing her?”

“There’s also Wheels, our med-tech, she’s inside kitting out the hospice,” said Bass. “But she hates people, so don’t expect to talk to her unless you’re bleeding. Chantal hired two assistants to help with the fetching and carrying, and I have a couple of baby engie interns to train up, they’re coming too.”

“I don’t suppose I get an assistant to pilot the ship while I’m sleeping?” Dana asked dryly.

“Ha!” said Bass appreciatively, then realised that she hadn’t been entirely joking. “Oh. Ah. This is awkward.”

“Nope, it’s just you and the autopilot,” said Chantal with a smile. “But you can borrow our assistants sometimes. If you ask nicely.”

“I did pick baby engies who claimed to be able to pilot boats this big,” Bass said, as if it had been an afterthought rather than a major requirement.

“Oh,” said Dana, feeling even more swamped than she had ten minutes ago. “That’s… good.”

The helm and harness of the Frenzy Kenzie were heavier and more old-fashioned than the set up Dana was used to from darts, or even the transporter she had been piloting to and from Luna Palais for so many months.

She hesitated for a moment, not sure where she should even start with all the cables and attachments.

“Let me help you, boss,” said a familiar voice and of all people, Planchet popped into her field of vision.

The girl wore her red hair in its usual pigtails, but she had found a Musketeer-blue coverall from somewhere, with the ship’s name embroidered on the chest.

“Planchet!” said Dana, half alarmed. “Did you actually stowaway on board this ship? I’m pretty sure that’s treason.”

Planchet laughed. “Don’t worry about it, boss. Stowaway is a misdemeanour at worst, and it doesn’t even count as a crime until you leave dock.”

“Planchet.”

“I’m kidding,” the teen engie said, wide-eyed. “I signed on with Arms-Sergeant Bass as an intern. It should look good on my resume when you finally become a Musketeer and need a proper engie to look after Buttercup. Can you believe they’re still keeping an old antique like this running? I can’t wait to get my hands on her insides.”

Dana blinked. She was pretty sure that what Planchet was doing right now was tantamount to stalking, but she wasn’t going to complain. Having Planchet here helped with the overwhelming sense of loneliness she had been feeling ever since she parted ways with Athos, Aramis and Porthos the night before.

“Quick, help me get into this helm and harness before the rest of the team figures out I have no idea what I’m doing,” Dana begged.

Fifty gleaming red sabre-class darts in perfect spiral formation exploded out of the Church Dock of Paris Satellite. They hung in the sky for what looked like a slow, deliberate pause before boosting in a co-ordinated jump across the solar system.

Next came thirty blue musket-class darts – the Musketeers of the Royal Fleet, pouring forth from Lunar Palais.

“Must be true, then,” muttered Bass, who had joined Dana and Planchet in the cockpit of the Frenzy Kenzie with what looked like a larger-than-regulation tub of popcorn. “The Regent herself is flying out with this wave.”

“Into battle?” Dana said in surprise. “No one expected that of her, surely.”

“Rumour has it that her siblings have been sniffing around to be forgiven and allowed back from exile,” said Chantal, who was flipping through a gossip app on a large clamshell. “The tall one who had all those medals. I guess the Regent wants to prove to the solar system that she has military cred.”

“The Cardinal’s definitely with this wave,” said Bass. “Saw footage of her waving at the crowds on the way to her dart after breakfast. Must have left the dragon prince at home to watch over Paris.”

Dana frowned at the slang term for Prince Alek. “Less chatter,” she said sternly. “We’re about to -”

Her dash lit up with the command cue to detach from their own berth and take to the sky.

“I wouldn’t worry about it,” said Chantal. “War involves plenty of waiting around in between the exciting parts. There will be plenty of time for gossip.”

You have been reading Musketeer Space, by Tansy Rayner Roberts. Tune in next week for another chapter! Please comment, share and link. Musketeer Space is free to read, but if you’d like to support the project for as little as $1 per month, please visit my Patreon page. Pledges can earn rewards such as ebooks, extra content, dedications and the naming of spaceships. Milestones already unlocked include the Musketeer Media Monday posts, the Robotech Rewatch posts, and “Seven Days of Joyeux,” a special Christmas prequel novella which was released in December 2014. My next funding milestone will unlock GORGEOUS COVER ART.

What I did in February

Online Essays:

Reasons to Love Agent Carter

Instead of the elegant martial arts usually used to explain how a Hollywood-petite woman can be lethal (eg. Black Widow, Melinda May), Peggy is a total bruiser. She punches, kicks, elbows and uses every dirty trick she has to hand. She also has a sense of humour and a full emotional range. She’s a genuine pleasure to watch on screen, whether she’s deflecting awkward work situations with quiet sarcasm, or punching the hell out of a pair of goons on the waterfront. Peggy, I love you, don’t ever leave me.

Kicking Holes in Reality with the Young Avengers (Vol 2)

In interviews, the creators of the series stated that the original Young Avengers is about being 16, while this book is about being 18. This isn’t literally true (Kate, for example, is a hair’s breadth off turning 21) but definitely comes across in the content which explores themes such as sexual identity, informed consent, casual sex/serious relationships, gender fluidity and break ups along with the universe being in danger from Teddy’s inter-dimensional zombie mom, and Kid Loki’s murderous past. There are several bisexual or sexually questioning characters, which is pretty awesome to see in a story for an older teen audience, and in comics generally.

Musketeer Media Monday: Bat’Magnan and the Mean Musketeers (2001)

Because yes, sewer-smelling drunk Musketeers turning up in the kitchens during a palace banquet, that’s sure to improve DIPLOMACY.

Book Release:

Faction Paradox: Liberating Earth

(edited by Kate Orman)

Goodreads Page including full table of contents

Take two Cousins from Faction Paradox. Give them a world – the Earth, for example – and give them the power to change that world’s history as they see fit. Then stand back and watch what happens…

“Life of Julia,” Tansy Rayner Roberts (short story)

Issue #1 Reviews:

Spider-Gwen

Spider-Gwen in her white web-lined hoodie, with her grrrl band and her dead boyfriend and her over-protective cop father, was so vivid in that single issue that she became a cosplay icon and a call to arms practically overnight.

Operation: S.I.N.

It’s 1952. Howard lures a semi-retired Peggy into adventure by blowing up her house and promising that exciting things are happening in Russia. She refuses, but goes to Russia anyway because ADVENTURE.

New Who In Conversation: A Good Man Goes to War/Let’s Kill Hitler

Some of my favourite River scenes are in this episode, particularly the one at the beginning when Rory comes to her and asks for help, and she turns him down. You can see in her face, watching this in retrospect, that she’s searching for the person she knows is her father, and that this is the last time she’ll see him before he knows who she is.

Musketeer Space

Chapter 37 – Concerning The Questionable Life Choices of Dana D’Artagnan

Chapter 38 – All Cats are Grey (in cyberspace)

Chapter 39 – Milord, and his secrets

Chapter 40 – Tea, and the Cardinal

Robotech Rewatch

37 – Prince Charming in a Red Bioroid

38 – I’ll Patrol the Discos!

39 – Romancing the Clone

GALACTIC SUBURBIA

Episode 113

Episode 114

VERITY! PODCAST

Episode 68 – Carryover Companions

TOR.COM Rereading Servant of the Empire

Part 20

Part 21

Part 22

Part 23

ROBOTECH REWATCH 39: Romancing the Clone

So last week was a disaster. Those of you who tuned in on Saturday for “Debriefing the Dreamboat” may or may not have noticed that – it was totally the wrong episode. I skipped a disc! Which is something of a relief because there were quite a few parts of that episode that didn’t entirely make sense.

Cough.

Here is a double episode to make up for it.

Hold your position, Robotech transmissions will now resume.

43. Prelude to Battle

The Alpha Tactical Armoured Corp (ATAC) 15th Squadron is at it again, another battle on the ground against the Robotech Masters, and they’re pretty exhausted.. A member of the Council suggests letting more than one squadron fight at a time to overwhelm the enemy, but the others are wary of that strategy, on the grounds that they might run out of troops that way.

Anyway, we all know there’s only one squadron.

Supreme Commander Leonard would rather they do the wrong thing than nothing, and suggests that Rolf is supposed to be the brains of the operation so if he doesn’t like the current plan, it’s up to him to come up with a better one.

Cue a long slow bathing scene involving Dana and her nipples. I wouldn’t normally mention them, but they’re obviously the protagonists in that particular sequence. While she flirts with a mirror and a tiny pink towel, Sean and Angelo (in another room) complain about how tired they are, and how Bowie has been making a lot of mistakes lately.

Of course he has, they’ve been doing all the war on their own instead of going to sockhops or whatever it is teenagers are supposed to be doing.

Dana and Nova are out on a frenemy coffee date which mostly involves Nova complaining about Dana and how irresponsible she is. Any wonder I thought she was her mother the first time I watched this show? They are interrupted when Bowie is dragged in by the MPs, having been caught sneaking off base. Dana rescues him from Nova’s wrath – well aware that Bowie’s “bad” behaviour is because he likes to go play piano music for the civilians at a local “coffee house” (cough, bar).

The Council talk over the current situation and decide they need a special recon mission inside the crashed Robotech Masters flagship – and to Rolf Emerson’s dismay, the 15th are nominated as the only team who can pull off the mission.

(Why is he surprised? THERE ARE NO OTHER SQUADRONS)

Rolf is worried because of a promise he made to Bowie’s parents – not that he’s shown much interest in keeping Bowie out of trouble before now!

The 15th are excited (Louis) and alarmed (everyone else) by the Council’s latest plan for them. Certain death is definitely on the cards.

“We’re all pawns in the Council’s game of Name That Alien.”

Angelo Dante, little known military poet.

The lads resolve to be patriotic and dutiful, and Dana has their full support. They’re getting better at that.

Bowie makes things up to Dana by buying her a ridonculous giant sundae (with an orchid on it, for luck). She gets him to admit that he’d rather play music than be in the military (as if this is a new revelation to her about her best friend) and then sends him back to the coffee house.

She claims full responsibility, giving him permission but making it clear that if he gets caught by the Fun Police Global Military Police they’ll both be in trouble.

Bowie runs off, catching sight of Sean on a hot (well, tepid) date along his way. Back on the base, Louis spends his eve of battle Doing Science. Dana (wearing her lucky orchid from Bowie) interrupts Angelo with his quiet glass of scotch and the two of them have an intense conversation.

She drops her orchid in his glass for luck, and as he processes this gesture, Nova Satori turns up with Bowie by the scruff of his neck.

Nova not only caught Bowie at the bar, but found him in a brawl over his supposed ‘manliness’ – playing a piano apparently marking him as not macho enough to go into battle. She and Dana snark back and forth about Bowie and responsibility. To everyone’s surprise, Dana agrees that Nova should take Bowie to the guardhouse.

Bowie is devastated at Dana’s betrayal and begs to be allowed to go on the mission, but Nova has no choice if his commanding officer insists. (It’s cute how obvious it is that Nova was bluffing about throwing Bowie in the brig – she is so stunned that Dana goes along with it)

Even when she’s alone with Angelo, Dana won’t admit the real reason why she forced Bowie to stay behind, letting him think that she’s playing this one by the books. He is understandably suspicious that this one time, she won’t break the rules.

(It’s never made explicit, but is certainly implied that Dana is trying to protect Bowie from the mission, because he’s too squishy and vulnerable and should be playing piano instead)

After the 15th rides out, Emerson is quietly worded up that Bowie is in the guardhouse. Nova lets Bowie out on Emerson’s orders, giving Bowie just enough time to catch up with his squadron.

Before he leaves, Nova suggests he take extra care – for Dana’s sake and hers.

Dana is furious that Emerson overruled her authority when Private Grant shows up ready for action, but Bowie proves himself with some excellent shooting, and they prepare to take the flagship.

The Dana/Nova relationship is really weirding me out – it feels like they have a completely different dynamic every time we see them together. Are they friends? Rivals? Old school frenemies? Nova talks to Dana like a big sister most of the time, but we’re never given any hint about their backstory. On the other hand, it’s nice to see Dana occasionally speaking to other women, given that her mother abandoned the planet, she’s surrounded by boys in her daily life, and Marie Crystal hates her guts.

Also, was Dana flirting with Angelo? I’ll admit that I’m shipping them this time around.

Episode 44. The Trap

The Earth command centre monitors the hover tank recon mission deep inside the enemy’s crashed flagship – and they’re not the only ones.

Angelo Dante is the one to note that it’s easier than they expected – giving Dana the opportunity to say “almost too easy” in an ominous tone of voice.

Oh, and two NPC members of the 15th are left behind at this point – Simon, whose armour was destroyed on the way in, and his mate Jordan, to protect him. Though Dana only put Jordan on the protection detail because he mocked Simon about being left behind.

Despite the obvious trapness of the situation, Dana allows her squadron to be split and split again down the various corridors – the groups of various sizes led by herself, Angie and Sean.

I love the fact that Dana only refers to Sean’s rank when she thinks he’s getting too big for his boots (every time he’s flirty or teasing around her, she smacks him down with a well placed ‘Private’) but in the field, she ignores his rank because obviously he’s the one with the most leadership experience and treats him as the equivalent to Angelo – a second/third in command that she can trust.

Dana, you really do have a problem with military protocol, don’t you?

One of the privates in Angie’s party gets picked off, Alien-style, and the others run around trying to find him for the rest of the episode. Meanwhile, Dana, Bowie and Louis are cut off from the rest without working comms. They follow a mysterious plinking sound that leads them to a vat of android limbs floating in liquid.

Dana and Bowie are grossed out but Louis is fascinated at how lifelike the limbs are: the perfect meld of bioengineering technology with organics. While the others are distracted, Bowie is accidentally teleported elsewhere in the ship.

The alluring siren song of the plinking xylophone pulls Bowie onwards, and he goes deeper and deeper into yet another long hallway.

To his shock, he comes across a beautiful green-haired girl playing what looks like a theramin inside Venus’ clamshell. Or maybe a digital harp? Bowie immediately tries to chat her up with lines about how music is a universal language – but she’s a lot more responsive to his flirtation once he takes off his massive metal helmet to show her how cute he is.

There’s a tip for you Casanovas out there. Always remove your armoured faceplate so the object of your affections can tell you are humanoid before you roll out your best chat up lines.

Bowie tries to play her instrument to communicate with her, and is terrible at it. (He actually jokes that it’s out of tune which – oh, Bowie, you tool) She plays for him, and he is overwhelmed by the beauty of the girl as well as the music.

Their meet-cute is interrupted by a couple of angry droids/stormtroopers (I don’t even know what they are) who call him Earth Man and try to take him prisoner. Bowie fights back and freaks out the girl, then mansplains to her how she shouldn’t be afraid of him because he’s proven himself to her. Even though he just got her shot in the leg.

So romantic.

Bowie chases his mystery woman out into a corridor and finds a near-identical version of her with blue hair and a different outfit. He assumes it’s the same girl and chases her up and down corridors for a while, basically doing his best to enact a scene from Yellow Submarine.

Dana and Louis finally pick Bowie up and explore some more of the ship, including a weird Roman-style architecture. They come across a crowd of pretty adult twins and triplets (clone alert!) who are staring at them in quiet horror, and are chased again by the droids that Dana charmingly refers to as Bowie’s boyfriends.

Sean is really disappointed that he has just had the most boring mission of his life, which annoys Dana to no end when they meet up again. Just as Angie and his group join them, the Robotech Masters trap is finally sprung – it’s basically a giant trapdoor which is embarrassing given that they are all in FLYING MECHA.

They fall into a random Star Wars set piece – yes, it’s a garbage compacter with the ceiling pressing in on them! Every space opera needs one.

Dana shoots the walls saying ‘everybody hit the deck and hope for the best.’ What follows is a beautiful piece of flaming slapstick as her shot bounces off all the walls, nearly kills everyone, and sends the boys into the garbage.

For a moment, all the lads (especially Bowie and Angie) are horrified that Dana seems to have sustained a direct hit – but it turns out she’s a floor below them all, under the smoking hole she fell through. Turns out the floor wasn’t as laser resistant as the walls.

Aww, Angie. I see you totally worrying about Dana. You’re not subtle.

The purple haired boy in the red Bioroid (remember him?) shoots all the lasers at the 15th squadron as they fight their way out of the flagship. Bowie isn’t wearing his helmet which seems careless. On their way out, they see the dead bodies of Simon and Jordan.

(Weirdly, Jordan is no longer wearing his armour, so what happened to it?)

Dana embarks on one her regular one-on-one duels with a bioroid, only it’s a normal green one instead of the special red one she’s been flirting with in nearly every other battle. This time, she hangs on to her man and takes him home with her.

This weekly rewatch of classic animated space opera Robotech is brought to you as bonus content for the Musketeer Space project.

Thanks to everyone who has linked, commented, and especially to my paid patrons.

You can support Musketeer Space at Patreon.

Friday Links Don’t Own Me

Our family has been Batman-obsessed since my honey received the entire Batman 1966-68 box set on DVD for Christmas. My five year old is deeply attached to Julie Newmar to the point that she howls with delight when a cliffhanger ends on ‘Tune in Same Cat Time, Same Cat Channel’ instead of Bat Channel.

My ten year old has had a crash course on what sexism used to look like, simply by observing the gender dynamics in the show. We’ve been learning more about 60′s celebrities than I ever thought possible. Oh, and we’ve been counting down the episodes until we get to Season 3, because Yvonne Craig as Batgirl! (Ms 5 sneakily found montages on YouTube and watched ahead, I’m oddly proud of this)

Just the other week, Catwoman acquired a teen sidekick to sweet-talk Robin (Catwoman’s utter disdain of Robin is one of my favourite things about the show – Robin and Batman only ever have age-appropriate love interests) and sing a few numbers. Turned out “Pussy Cat” was played by Lesley Gore, who died only recently: teen songwriter and pop star, co-writer of Fame the Musical, and original performer of “It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To” and feminist anthem “You Don’t Own Me.” Come to think of it, that’s how Jemima and I ended up on Youtube in the first place!

Lesley Gore: Nine Things You Didn’t Know.

Tumblr has become my go-to place for observations about our Batathon: Warden Crichton’s Innovative Methods of Criminal Rehab & Batsplaining.

If you’re not already excited that Noelle Stevenson’s amazing ‘villainous girl sidekick’ graphic novel Nimona is finally coming out in print form, here’s an article to tell you why you should be.

Kate Elliott on why writing is never a waste of time.

“I Challenge You to Stop Reading White, Straight, Cis Male Authors for One Year” by K. Tempest Bradford.

I’m so glad Hark! A Vagrant is regularly updating again! Here is her take on The Rage of Achilles (SO ACCURATE) and pilot Katherine Sui Fun Cheung (Cranky Ladies Alert!)

Erika Moen’s Oh Joy Sex Toy (an explicit and adorable webcomic that generally reviews sex toys and discusses sex positivity) is one of my favourite regular features on Bitch Magazine – and is now available as a graphic novel (I guess graphic non fiction?) on Comixology. Recently, Moen did a comic about 50 Shades of Grey, addressing some of the issues raised by critics of the book without condemning it or its readers – it’s one of the most even-handed takes on the topic I’ve seen in recent weeks.

Big Bird is on Twitter. It’s actually more awesome than you’re thinking. Because Mr Snuffleupagus is on Twitter too, and ONLY BIG BIRD CAN SEE HIM.

Issue #1 – Spider-Gwen (2015)

Title: Spider-Gwen #1

Writer: Jason Latour

Artist: Robbi Rodriguez

The Buzz: Spider-Gwen is all about buzz. She was created as an alt-universe version of much-killed-off Spiderman love interest Gwen Stacy in Edge of Spiderverse #2, to join an ensemble of dimension-hopping Spider-characters. But right from the start (actually from the release of the cover art/costume design via Instragram and Tumblr) her distinctive look and the fresh, contemporary feel of her world captured the imagination of readers. Spider-Gwen in her white web-lined hoodie, with her grrrl band and her dead boyfriend and her over-protective cop father, was so vivid in that single issue that she became a cosplay icon and a call to arms practically overnight.

All You Need To Know: Gwen was bitten by the radioactive spider instead of Peter Parker; he was so inspired/obsessed by the mysterious Spider-Woman that he experimented on himself and died as tormented villain The Lizard. Gwen is the drummer in the rising rock band The Mary Janes (their first single: “Face It Tiger, You Hit the Jackpot”) and her dad has just found out she’s a super vigilante. She’s just got back from her dimension-hopping adventure with all the other Spider-peeps, and is hoping to put her life back together.

Story: Gwen’s band is getting famous without her, and she hasn’t yet connected with her Dad or her friends since her time “away.” The city hates and fears her, but there’s a new villain tearing things up – the Vulture. Like it or not, she’s the hero for the job. A fairly basic intro storyline, made more interesting by the snarky, Veronica Mars tone, a diverse cast and character-rich side plots.

Art: Vivid and dynamic, with a focus on cityscapes, dark alleys and graffiti. Gwen comes across as a strong gymnast and a snarky teen, with body language that makes her a protagonist rather than a sex object. The amount of expression that comes across from her blank white mask is extraordinary. I actually really like that Gwen out of costume is often drawn in quite unflattering ways – she stoops and slumps like a real teenager, her clothes aren’t super put together, and she never looks like she’s posing for the audience.

But What Did I Miss?: Edge of Spiderverse #2 is a must if you’re interested in Spider-Gwen as a character. It’s a great standalone issue and probably does a slightly better job than this one in convincing you why Gwen is someone to care about. If you want to be a Spider-Gwen completionist, you can also catch up on the whole Spiderverse story (but I haven’t, and I read this just fine). There’s a one-page intro page in this Issue 1, which covers the important bits of her backstory, so you’re basically good to go if you don’t feel like doing any homework first.

Would Read Issue 2?: Yes! I want to see where this goes.

PREVIOUS ISSUE #1 POSTS

Thor #1 (2014)

Spider-Woman #1 (2014)

All-New Captain America #1 (2014)

Captain America & the Mighty Avengers #1 (2014)

S.H.I.E.L.D. #1 (2014)

The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl #1 (2015)

Bitch Planet #1 (2014)

Secret Six #1 (2014)

Operation: S.I.N. #1