Christopher Earle's Blog: Foundations of Healing, page 2

Excerpt from Healing with SALVE Parenting Workshop – Self Esteem through Value and Purpose

I recently watched an interview on a popular talk show with a family who tragically lost a child to suicide due to bullying. The parents were understandably distraut and made a point to talk about how much they loved their child, to which the host responded “well, that’s all you can do is love your child”.

I say, we must do more than just “love your child” in any case, but particularly when your child is challenged either mentally, emotionally, or physically, as was the case with this particular family. Although loving your child is an important component of their self esteem, it is even more important that we provide our children with a sense of “value” and “purpose”. What do I mean by that? A child needs to feel as though their contributions are important. Often parents will shower affection on a child, but they also need to support their child’s self esteem by encouraging them, challenging them and providing them with a sense of value and purpose. I have witnessed parents making simple mistakes that can make all the difference in the world to their child’s self esteem.

Ask yourself if this scenario sounds familiar. You are involved in a project that you feel is important. Your child comes to you and asks if they can help, to which the parent often responds “no, I’m sorry you can’t help, this is really important daddy or mommy has to do it” When you say this to your child you have told them that they are not valuable, that they cannot be of help. Instead, I suggest you step back for just a moment and think… “Is there something with which my child can assist me?” Let me give an example… I was once doing some electrical work in the house replacing an electical socket and switch. Now the conventional wisdom says you cannot have your child working with electical repairs and that is absolutely correct, you must think first of your child’s safety, but they can hold a flashlight or hand you a tool while you work, so when my 5 year old son asked me if he could help, even though I had plenty of light where I was working, I asked him to go grab the flashlight from the kitchen drawer and shine the light on the socket which he happily did. He was so proud of himself for having helped daddy finish the repair that he made a point to tell his pappa (my father) and his grandma that he helped daddy fix the lights.

Giving your child a sense of accomplishment and feeling of value and purpose does require a little extra effort and sometimes some creative thinking to allow them to be involved, but the reward will be a child that grows up with healthy self esteem and a sense of value and purpose. Your child can always contribute, it’s up to you to provide them with an opportunity.

Excerpt from Healing with SALVE – Parenting Workshop

I recently watched an interview on a popular talk show with a family who tragically lost a child to suicide due to bullying. The parents were understandably distraut and made a point to talk about how much they loved their child, to which the host responded “well, that’s all you can do is love your child”.

I say, we must do more than just “love your child” particularly when your child is challenged either mentally, emotionally, or physically. Although loving your child is an important component of their self esteem, it is even more important that we provide our children with a sense of “value”. What do I mean by that? A child needs to feel as though their contributions are important. Often parents will shower affection on a child, but do not give them sense of purpose. I have witnessed parents making a few simple mistakes that can make all the difference in the world to your child’s self esteem.

Ask yourself if this scenario sounds familiar. You are involved in a project that you feel is important. Your child comes to you and asks if they can help, to which the parent often responds “no, I’m sorry you can’t help, this is really important daddy or mommy has to do it” When you say this to your child you have told them that they are not valuable, that they cannot be of help. Instead, I suggest you step back for just a moment and think… “Is there something with which my child can assist me?” Let me give an example… I was once doing some electrical work in the house replacing an electical socket and switch. Now the conventional wisdom says you cannot have your child working with electical repairs and that is absolutely correct, you must think first of your child’s safety, but they can hold a flashlight or hand you a tool while you work, so when my 5 year old son asked me if he could help, even though I had plenty of light where I was working, I asked him to go grab the flashlight from the kitchen drawer and shine the light on the socket which he happily did. He was so proud of himself for having helped daddy finish the repair that he made a point to tell his pappa (my father) and his grandma that he helped daddy fix the lights.

Giving your child a sense of accomplishment and feeling of value and purpose does require a little extra effort and sometimes some creative thinking to allow them to be involved, but the reward will be a child that grows up with healthy self esteem and a sense of value and purpose. Your child can always contribute, it’s up to you to provide them with an opportunity.

Bullying – Excerpt from Chapter 3 – Foundations of Discord to Foundations of Healing

A person with a healthy self image and strong personal character will, for the most part, be unaffected by bullying. In the case of children however, they are more susceptible to bullying if they have not been given a strong foundation in self esteem and personal character. This foundation must come from the family and in particular the parents. Positive parental involvement in a child’s life from start to finish is the key to building that healthy self esteem and strong character. Do not leave the development of your child’s self image to themselves, their friends and teachers. Do not wait until your child is school age to get involved in cultivating healthy self esteem. While it is never too late to make a difference, it is best to be involved, supportive and a source of encouragement from the beginning. A child’s communication skills begin in early childhood and they continue learning and growing by observing communication between their parents, siblings, relatives and family friends. Later we will discuss healthy parenting in more detail, but for now, if you are a parent be mindful of your child’s behavior and if you sense or suspect, even for a moment, that your child may be at risk, get involved immediately by talking to your child and reinforcing their positive self esteem. Share with them the concepts of character, self esteem and personal responsibility.

Forgiveness – Excerpt from Foundations of Healing – Chapter 6

There is another important aspect of forgiveness. “Forgive and forget” is an age old cliché that in any discussion about forgiveness holds immeasurable value. I often hear people say “I’ll forgive, but I won’t forget” This creates a contradiction that cannot be overcome if true forgiveness is to be achieved. Why must we forget if we are to truly forgive? When a person holds the history of an issue or transgression in their mind and heart they will always have the expectation, in the back of their mind, that the situation will repeat itself. This will promote suspicion and distrust that will manifest in your attitude or behavior toward the other person. I have listened as people have used another cliché “Those who do not learn from history, are doomed to repeat it” This may be true in cases of societal or political issues, but this concept has no place in our interpersonal relationships. We must, if we are to achieve true peace, harmony and healing in our relationships, allow ourselves to accept a sincere apology and with equal sincerity forgive the other person without reservation.

Excerpt from Healing with SALVE – Parenting Workshop

When discussing bullying I often hear anti-bullying activists espouse the need to “stop the bullies”. The implication being that the way to stop or do away with bullying in our schools is to make the bullies change. The problem with this thinking is, in most cases, the bully is simply speaking out and advocating their belief system. They are communicating their displeasure with another person’s point of view, lifestyle, ehtnicity, appearance, life choices or sexual orientation. Often they have learned these opinions from influences close to them, i.e. parents, relatives, friends, or other sources that have promoted or advocated a particular, similar point of view.

The difficulty with the concept of queling those belief systems in another person is that the anti-bullying advocate or activist becomes the very thing they are speaking out against. They are engaging in the very same behavior. By telling the bully they are wrong for what they believe or how they live the anti-bullying advocate is engaging in bullying.

In my experience and historical research, no one ever won a disagreement, conflict or argument by telling the other person or group they are wrong. The only effective way to change the belief system of another individual or group is not to tell them they are wrong, but rather show them.

We do this by standing strong in the face of criticism and adversity and holding to our beliefs, lifestyle, ethnicity, appearance, life choices or sexual orientation while, at the same time, respecting the right of the person or group advocating against you to speak their mind.

We American’s are born with a unique gift given us by the Founding Father’s of our great nation. The First Amendment to the Constritution, which ensures each individual’s right in this country to have an opinion and to voice that opinion in a lawful manner.

While there have been tragic consequences with regards to bullying in our society it is important to recognize that the best and most effective method of combating these harmful and tragic effects is to teach our young people to have a strong foundation in self esteem, tolerance, compassion and respect for others.

As an example of just how tragic the lack of these teachings can be I will share this story. A teenage boy commits suicide as a result of both in school and on-line bullying. His parents claim to have been unaware of the severity of the childs depression and were taken by surprise at their child’s sudden loss. Further investigation revealed that during the boy’s upbringing the father on numerous occasions had been outspoken in the home regarding his opinions on homosexuality. Without being aware of it the father had made his own home into a place, not safe for his own child to express himself and to seek guidance and counsel from his parents. This leaves the boy feeling isolated and alone.

Ultimately, although we would initially say that the boy committed suicide due to the bullying, what really happened was that the boy was not provided with a safe place to work through his feelings, or a supportive, nurturing environment to provide him the foundation in self esteem, compassion, tolerance and respect for others that he needed to navigate the treacherous waters of teenage life.

Parents are the first and best line of defense for creating the next generation of healthy, well adjusted adults. We may only accomplish this, however, through not only talking a good game in public, but also at home. I always say to people “Never assume no one is listening and at all times represent yourself as though your grandmother is in the room”. For most of us, that imagery of our grandmother being present prevents us from using inappropriate language, being impolite or disrespectful while generally providing us incentive to make an attempt to be a kinder, more compassionate person…

Sometimes clicking “like” or “follow” just isn’t enough.

The average daily facebook user clicks over 50 likes per day, but how many of those actually mean anything. A friend makes a post about having a margarita on the beach or buying a new pair of shoes and the post receives 100 “likes”. We follow twitter accounts that may contain a daily joke or political comment, but with all this liking and following are we really accomplishing anything?

We are so inundated with information every day, all day long that often we miss things that may hold real value for us, our community, etc. Someimes we find outselves not able to see the forest for the trees.

When something meaningful comes along that you “like” or “follow” we need to remember to take the next step. There is another button on your screen with which we need to familiarize ourselves… the “share” or “retweet” button. Why are these buttons important? If we find something meaningful or important it is crucial that we spread the word and take an active role in getting the message out to as many poeple as possible. While everyone’s priorities are different and what you may feel is important or meaningful may not be viewed by everyone on your friends list as such, some will share your beliefs and values, but they cannot make that decision unless you take the time to share with them.

We at Foundations of Healing believe that our Healing with SALVE initiative is one of these important, meaningful issues and would like to offer an incentive for facebook and twitter users to get more involved. Beginning today we will be starting our “like” it and “share” it drive. Beginning today May 28th through June 30th 2012 we will be looking to increase public awareness of our program by asking you, our supporters, to get involved.

Share our web-site, facebook page and twitter feed with everyone you know. The top five contributors will receive a personalized, autographed hardcover copy of the book “Foundations of Discord to Foundations of Healing – An Interactive Guide to Building Healthy Relationships” To qualify you must refer at least 20 new supporters. We will track this by asking each person responding to post a comment on this article giving their name and the name of the person who referred them. Yes, it’s a little more work then just clicking “like” but that is what this is all about after all. Generally, something meaningful requires a little more from us.

We look forward to seeing hundreds and perhaps thousands of new supporters over the next month.

Thank you all for your commitment and support for the Foundations of Healing and the Healing with SALVE initiative.

Foundations of Healing launches it’s new Initiative

Foundations of Healing launches it’s new initiative, Healing with SALVE.

Healing with SALVE is a program we intend to introduce to Jr. High and High Schools across the country that in addition to speaking at these schools, allows and encourages students to take an active role with education and prevention of bullying. The acronym SALVE stands for Students Advocating Lofty Values and Esteem. The program in designed to educate children about issues of self esteem, respect for others, compassion, tolerance and positive values. Students will sign a pledge and agree to conduct themselves with the behavioral patterns found in the Foundations of Healing; Healthy Communication, Generosity, Gratitude, Forgiveness and Passion. Additionally, we will offer parenting workshops that will help parents learn to promote healthy self esteem in their children to insulate them from the harmful mental and emotional effects of bullying.

We look forward to bringing this initiaitve to schools everywhere. If you are a student or faculty member of a school that you believe could benefit from this initiative and program please contact us at info@foundationsofhealing.org.

Excerpt from Foundations of Discord to Foundations of Healing Chapter 3 “Defining Relationships”

When having a discussion with a student or client, I am almost always led to ask the very simple question “Who are you?” When faced with this most basic of questions I find people tend to shy away from any answer that delves deeper than the surface. I receive answers such as “I am a mother, father, brother, sister, scientist, lawyer, doctor, nurse…” The list goes on and on. Unfortunately, I have found that most people define themselves by the labels we have been given by circumstance, community or society rather than action. In truth we are no more and no less then the sum of our life long actions, thoughts, behaviors and emotional connections.

Excerpt from Chapter 3 “Defining Relationships”

In the simplest terms, a relationship is comprised of any interaction between two living beings. We form relationships with our parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, lovers, pets, the clerk at our local gas station, and for most people a higher power. It is not the subject of the relationship that defines our interaction, but rather the emotions and behaviors that accompany that connection.

It is human nature to have the need to define, quantify and explain everything in our universe, but relationships often defy explanation. Perhaps this is because relationships are ever changing, evolving entities that often, seemingly, take on a life of there own.

Moving Forward

Thank you to our new friends who have joined this page. Today the Foundations of Healing Corporation (a Florida non-profit) officially announced it’s mission statement, as follows:

To provide young people, parents and interested adults with resources, counseling, education and support in an effort to eradicate bullying in schools, build a more compassionate, responsible, self aware populous and help build a stronger America by helping to build healthy relationships and communities.