Kerisma Vere's Blog - Posts Tagged "internal-locus-of-control"
From Self-loathing to Unconditional love — The most important journey of all.
From Self-loathing to Unconditional love — The most important journey of all.
For much of my life, I didn’t like myself very much. In fact its fair to say that there were times I actually hated myself.
I came from an environment where the messages I absorbed were mostly about what was wrong with me. I was taught to internalize pain, self-judgement, and blame — through bullying, rejection, and misunderstanding — and I grew up with a deep sense of unworthiness. My self-talk was harsh. My inner world was a place of constant judgment. The world I lived in was often unkind, never unconditional, and over time I adopted this same harsh and unkind relationship within myself-mirroring the same mistreatment that was present in my environment.
The voice in my head had learned to echo the ones I heard around me. It was sharp, critical, relentless, and unforgiving. It was a way to keep myself safe in a world that had not been safe for me. If I could identify what was wrong with me and fix what needed to be fixed then perhaps I would be worthy of love and acceptance by those around me. Not only did I spend decades trying to be who I thought others wanted me to be but I spent much of that time also trying to escape the relationship I had with myself, because it was too painful and too tangled to be with my internal world.
As many do I poured my energy into others, believing that if I could make them happy, maybe I’d finally feel okay inside. Maybe I would be loved in the ways I both longed for and needed. I made other people my compass and I found a fragile sense of self worth in being there for others; being a good daughter, a good friend, a good partner, a good employee. It did not matter how much I had to hide my inner turmoil or how tired, anxious or unseen I felt-I just kept giving, hoping that one day someone would give it back.
But the truth is no one can give you the relationship you refuse to have with yourself. And that old saying we all have heard, “No one can love you if you don’t love yourself”, is true. Because unless we have done the work to connect with our own inherent worth and right to unconditional love we will never truly be able to receive the love anyone else gives us no matter how genuine it may be.
Eventually, life began to fall apart in all the places I had been avoiding. I stopped being able to pretend and I came to understand nothing would ever change or last if I did not turn to face myself and finally prioritize the relationship with myself. I had prided myself on not having toxic relationships with others in my life but the truth was I was having exactly that with myself. I was exhausted from chasing approval and putting all my hopes in someone else. I was broken from always being left with nothing when once more having invested all my energy, care, and time into another left me alone and empty handed.
I realized I could no longer outrun myself. I had to turn inward — to face, understand, and learn to care for the person I had abandoned the most: me. Something deep inside me practically screamed; “You have tried everything else and it has not worked. It’s time to stop chasing, stop running and turn and face yourself. You need to get good with yourself before you will ever be able to achieve the relationships or dreams you so deeply want”.
That decision didn’t lead to a straight path of healing. It was bumpy, confusing, and full of resistance. My inner critic had been running the show for years, and learning to meet that voice with compassion took time. I had an extensive trauma history, primarily relational trauma, that was the basis for all the ways I had coped thus far. It has taken time, patience, and even courage to get to know myself and learn to embrace all aspects of myself with unconditional love and compassion. Over the past decade, I’ve worked to understand the roots of my inner world and slowly replaced judgment with care, hostility with gentleness, and shame with curiosity.
Today, both as a coach and as a human being still on the journey, my passion is helping others change the relationship they have with themselves. I believe this is the most important relationship we will ever have. For many of us its also the most neglected and undervalued one as a result of our own histories that often lacked real experiences of compassion or unconditional love and living within a society that uses words like selfish and self indulgent to label putting ourselves first. In todays world the word narcissist is also being misused in many places to belittle and demonize self worth. (I am not speaking to the true clinical problem that exists within some individuals).
In a world that teaches us to prioritize everyone else, we often forget that how we treat ourselves sets the tone for every other connection in our lives.
⸻
Love Is an Action
Unconditional love isn’t something that appears just because we decide it should. It’s something we practice. It arises out of the experience of responding to ourselves with love no matter what. For many of us we have never truly felt this never mind known how to offer it to ourselves. It does not magically happen overnight but develops over time from a commitment that we will love ourselves regardless of feelings, behaviours, beliefs or experiences. That does not mean we don't hold ourself accountable, but that we do so from a place of knowing we are loveable and worthy regardless of strengths or faults, successes or failures.
Love is built through attunement, understanding, and care. It shows up in how we speak to ourselves, how we respond when we make mistakes, and the beliefs we hold about our worth. Attunement means getting to know ourselves and connecting to our thoughts, feelings, needs experience so that we feel seen and heard and known. Understanding means we go beyond old assumptions and judgments to look at the bigger picture rather than use the narrow lens our own critic and others often use. When we feel understood, we feel safer, and yes more loved. Care is a feeling but its also an action. Feeding ourselves, providing comfort and rest, movement, connection, stability, security, meeting our basic needs, and more are all components of how we care for ourselves. Its hard to feel loved when you are treating yourself with deprivation, neglect, minimization, or dismissiveness. Not that any of us can get it perfect but intent and effort matter. When we know we care and we know we are trying then the places we fall short don't hurt so much.
Real self-worth doesn’t come from success, appearance, or achievement. It comes from knowing who we are, understanding why we’ve been the way we’ve been, and realizing that we have always been lovable — flaws, strengths, and everything in between. Why were so many of us never taught that we are worthy and loveable simply because we are human and we exist? So many of us have jumped through hoops and twisted ourselves inside out to be worthy and loveable when in fact we always were. And in case you are one of the many who does not already know this, let me tell you now; You are worthy, deserving and loveable exactly the way you are!!
⸻
Awareness, Pause, Choice
Change begins with awareness.
We start to notice the small moments — how we talk to ourselves after a misstep, what language we use, how we explain our struggles. Once we notice, we pause. That pause creates a moment of choice — a doorway into something new.
In that space, we can choose gentleness.
We can bring in words that sound more like love:
“What do you need?”
“How do you really feel?”
“I know you did your best.”
“I know you’re struggling. How can I help?”
“I love you just the way you are.”
“I see you. I understand why you felt what you felt.”
“I know coming down hard was once how we survived, but we’re safe now. Can we try a gentler approach?”
These simple phrases might seem small, but they can completely shift the quality of our inner life. Cumulatively they add up to a new experience of how we treat and relate to ourselves that becomes a much more rewarding and safe experience of relationship with ourselves. We start to feel and believe that we matter, not just to others but to ourselves. We start to trust that we have our own backs and that we will be there for ourselves when we need it the most.
⸻
Why It Matters
Living with constant self-criticism is like living with someone who neglects or judges us every day. No wonder so many of us want to stay distracted — it’s painful to spend time with someone who isn’t kind to us. But when that voice begins to soften, life changes in subtle but profound ways.
We begin to enjoy our own company. We feel safer inside. We start to dream again.
The beauty of this work is that we don’t have to “fix” ourselves to deserve love. We get to love ourselves as we are today — before the job, before the weight loss, before the perfect home or partner. When we do that, change stops being about proving our worth and starts being about expressing our hopes, values, and dreams. When we love and accept ourselves exactly as we are its like having a hundred boulders removed from your back and your efforts to make progress towards goals and dreams profoundly changes.
That’s when life becomes less about self-improvement and more about self-connection. From a grounded place of unconditional love that does not require we change or improve.
And that, in my experience, is where real transformation begins.
Kerisma Vere is the Author of The Light Switch Myth; A beginner's guide to creating realistic and sustainable change. Her writing arises from personal experience, formal and informal education, and her coaching practice -Towards Wellness Coaching. You can find out more about her or her book by visiting thelightswitchmyth.me or towardswellness.ca
For much of my life, I didn’t like myself very much. In fact its fair to say that there were times I actually hated myself.
I came from an environment where the messages I absorbed were mostly about what was wrong with me. I was taught to internalize pain, self-judgement, and blame — through bullying, rejection, and misunderstanding — and I grew up with a deep sense of unworthiness. My self-talk was harsh. My inner world was a place of constant judgment. The world I lived in was often unkind, never unconditional, and over time I adopted this same harsh and unkind relationship within myself-mirroring the same mistreatment that was present in my environment.
The voice in my head had learned to echo the ones I heard around me. It was sharp, critical, relentless, and unforgiving. It was a way to keep myself safe in a world that had not been safe for me. If I could identify what was wrong with me and fix what needed to be fixed then perhaps I would be worthy of love and acceptance by those around me. Not only did I spend decades trying to be who I thought others wanted me to be but I spent much of that time also trying to escape the relationship I had with myself, because it was too painful and too tangled to be with my internal world.
As many do I poured my energy into others, believing that if I could make them happy, maybe I’d finally feel okay inside. Maybe I would be loved in the ways I both longed for and needed. I made other people my compass and I found a fragile sense of self worth in being there for others; being a good daughter, a good friend, a good partner, a good employee. It did not matter how much I had to hide my inner turmoil or how tired, anxious or unseen I felt-I just kept giving, hoping that one day someone would give it back.
But the truth is no one can give you the relationship you refuse to have with yourself. And that old saying we all have heard, “No one can love you if you don’t love yourself”, is true. Because unless we have done the work to connect with our own inherent worth and right to unconditional love we will never truly be able to receive the love anyone else gives us no matter how genuine it may be.
Eventually, life began to fall apart in all the places I had been avoiding. I stopped being able to pretend and I came to understand nothing would ever change or last if I did not turn to face myself and finally prioritize the relationship with myself. I had prided myself on not having toxic relationships with others in my life but the truth was I was having exactly that with myself. I was exhausted from chasing approval and putting all my hopes in someone else. I was broken from always being left with nothing when once more having invested all my energy, care, and time into another left me alone and empty handed.
I realized I could no longer outrun myself. I had to turn inward — to face, understand, and learn to care for the person I had abandoned the most: me. Something deep inside me practically screamed; “You have tried everything else and it has not worked. It’s time to stop chasing, stop running and turn and face yourself. You need to get good with yourself before you will ever be able to achieve the relationships or dreams you so deeply want”.
That decision didn’t lead to a straight path of healing. It was bumpy, confusing, and full of resistance. My inner critic had been running the show for years, and learning to meet that voice with compassion took time. I had an extensive trauma history, primarily relational trauma, that was the basis for all the ways I had coped thus far. It has taken time, patience, and even courage to get to know myself and learn to embrace all aspects of myself with unconditional love and compassion. Over the past decade, I’ve worked to understand the roots of my inner world and slowly replaced judgment with care, hostility with gentleness, and shame with curiosity.
Today, both as a coach and as a human being still on the journey, my passion is helping others change the relationship they have with themselves. I believe this is the most important relationship we will ever have. For many of us its also the most neglected and undervalued one as a result of our own histories that often lacked real experiences of compassion or unconditional love and living within a society that uses words like selfish and self indulgent to label putting ourselves first. In todays world the word narcissist is also being misused in many places to belittle and demonize self worth. (I am not speaking to the true clinical problem that exists within some individuals).
In a world that teaches us to prioritize everyone else, we often forget that how we treat ourselves sets the tone for every other connection in our lives.
⸻
Love Is an Action
Unconditional love isn’t something that appears just because we decide it should. It’s something we practice. It arises out of the experience of responding to ourselves with love no matter what. For many of us we have never truly felt this never mind known how to offer it to ourselves. It does not magically happen overnight but develops over time from a commitment that we will love ourselves regardless of feelings, behaviours, beliefs or experiences. That does not mean we don't hold ourself accountable, but that we do so from a place of knowing we are loveable and worthy regardless of strengths or faults, successes or failures.
Love is built through attunement, understanding, and care. It shows up in how we speak to ourselves, how we respond when we make mistakes, and the beliefs we hold about our worth. Attunement means getting to know ourselves and connecting to our thoughts, feelings, needs experience so that we feel seen and heard and known. Understanding means we go beyond old assumptions and judgments to look at the bigger picture rather than use the narrow lens our own critic and others often use. When we feel understood, we feel safer, and yes more loved. Care is a feeling but its also an action. Feeding ourselves, providing comfort and rest, movement, connection, stability, security, meeting our basic needs, and more are all components of how we care for ourselves. Its hard to feel loved when you are treating yourself with deprivation, neglect, minimization, or dismissiveness. Not that any of us can get it perfect but intent and effort matter. When we know we care and we know we are trying then the places we fall short don't hurt so much.
Real self-worth doesn’t come from success, appearance, or achievement. It comes from knowing who we are, understanding why we’ve been the way we’ve been, and realizing that we have always been lovable — flaws, strengths, and everything in between. Why were so many of us never taught that we are worthy and loveable simply because we are human and we exist? So many of us have jumped through hoops and twisted ourselves inside out to be worthy and loveable when in fact we always were. And in case you are one of the many who does not already know this, let me tell you now; You are worthy, deserving and loveable exactly the way you are!!
⸻
Awareness, Pause, Choice
Change begins with awareness.
We start to notice the small moments — how we talk to ourselves after a misstep, what language we use, how we explain our struggles. Once we notice, we pause. That pause creates a moment of choice — a doorway into something new.
In that space, we can choose gentleness.
We can bring in words that sound more like love:
“What do you need?”
“How do you really feel?”
“I know you did your best.”
“I know you’re struggling. How can I help?”
“I love you just the way you are.”
“I see you. I understand why you felt what you felt.”
“I know coming down hard was once how we survived, but we’re safe now. Can we try a gentler approach?”
These simple phrases might seem small, but they can completely shift the quality of our inner life. Cumulatively they add up to a new experience of how we treat and relate to ourselves that becomes a much more rewarding and safe experience of relationship with ourselves. We start to feel and believe that we matter, not just to others but to ourselves. We start to trust that we have our own backs and that we will be there for ourselves when we need it the most.
⸻
Why It Matters
Living with constant self-criticism is like living with someone who neglects or judges us every day. No wonder so many of us want to stay distracted — it’s painful to spend time with someone who isn’t kind to us. But when that voice begins to soften, life changes in subtle but profound ways.
We begin to enjoy our own company. We feel safer inside. We start to dream again.
The beauty of this work is that we don’t have to “fix” ourselves to deserve love. We get to love ourselves as we are today — before the job, before the weight loss, before the perfect home or partner. When we do that, change stops being about proving our worth and starts being about expressing our hopes, values, and dreams. When we love and accept ourselves exactly as we are its like having a hundred boulders removed from your back and your efforts to make progress towards goals and dreams profoundly changes.
That’s when life becomes less about self-improvement and more about self-connection. From a grounded place of unconditional love that does not require we change or improve.
And that, in my experience, is where real transformation begins.
Kerisma Vere is the Author of The Light Switch Myth; A beginner's guide to creating realistic and sustainable change. Her writing arises from personal experience, formal and informal education, and her coaching practice -Towards Wellness Coaching. You can find out more about her or her book by visiting thelightswitchmyth.me or towardswellness.ca
