Sundi Jo Graham's Blog, page 16

What Thailand and My Mother’s Gray Hair Have in Common

I’m an only child. Sometimes that stinks, but I’m starting to wonder if it’s worse for my mother than it is for me. That poor woman is constantly having to talk to God about her worry over me. I’ve never been the “average” gal. As a little girl, I didn’t dream about growing up and […]

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An Open Letter to Kenneth Copeland

Mr. Copeland, First of all, I want to thank you for following the prompting from God to devote your life to spreading the Gospel. I respect and admire your desire to want to lead others into a relationship with Jesus. Though God calls us all to be “ministers of the Gospel”, He calls some to […]

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My HelloFresh Review (Seasoned Beef Tacos)

I thought I’d give Hello Fresh a try and so far, I’m pretty pleased. I recorded my first experience (Seasoned Beef Tacos). Yuuummmmyyyy. So far.. So good.. My only complaint is that I wish the ingredients were organic and the meat grass-fed without any antibiotics. Perhaps they’ll be working this into their plan. It took […]

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The Forgiveness Box (Letting Go of the Lies)

On March 17, 2018, I wrote this vulnerable piece as part of my healing journey and shared it with some close friends. I wasn’t sure if I’d share it with the public, but I’ve decided to do so with the hopes it will inspire you to choose forgiveness, too, even when you don’t feel like it.

I sat in her office on my birthday, broken. Trying to comprehend the shattered pieces of a broken ministry, broken friendships, and a broken soul. It was going to take a vice grip to force me to smile. I felt incapable of hope.

She was gluing stickers to a box she’d made when I arrived. My counselor – a woman who I’d been baring my soul to for over a year. A grace-filled prayer warrior who knew the depths of my aches and loved me through it. A beautiful representation of the mercy we all crave whether we know it or not.

“It’s a forgiveness box,” she said. “I’m not sure what I’m going to use it for, but I felt led to make one.” Every side was covered with a quote on that word. That word I didn’t know if I could muster up. The word God was writing on my heart. Forgive as you have been forgiven.

I cried. She listened. She talked. I listened. I cried. She spoke more truth with grace. I received. My broken heart took a breath and I knew I would be okay again.

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person’s throat.” William Paul Young’s words from The Shack covered one side of the box. My heart stung a bit as I read the words.

Another side filled up with words from Mother Teresa. “If we really want to love we must learn how to forgive.” Truth.

The best gift I could give to myself on my birthday was forgiveness. The best gift I could give myself on my birthday was the acceptance of God’s forgiveness. I made the conscious choice to do both, even if for a moment.

“I think I know why I was supposed to make this box,” my counselor said. She passed it over to me and I nodded my head in acceptance. “I don’t have it all finished yet, but there are stickers inside if you want to add some yourself.” I thought it beautiful just the way it was.

My eyes were dry when I left her office with a hug and a box I wasn’t quite sure what to do with. I got home and sat it on top of my bookshelf. Maybe I just needed to stare at it from time to time as a reminder that unforgiveness will destroy us. Ya, maybe that was it.

————–

There I was, three months later, sitting in her office again, this time with my toes curled into the crease of the couch.

“I can’t take a compliment,” I said to my counselor. “I can’t hear anything but the words she spoke over me. They play over and over and over again. Someone tried to tell me what a great leader I am and all I could do was shake my head at his words.” While I thanked him for his gracious words, I desperately wanted to yell out, “But you don’t know what she said to me! If you knew what she said, you wouldn’t be telling me that!”

The counselor asked me to say it out loud, the words that were spoken to me. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to hear them again. I heard them in my head every day. But she insisted and I trusted.

“You don’t have the ability to show grace. You can’t love people. You’re a liar. You’re not capable of leading a ministry.” These were the words a trusted friend had spoken over me. Someone I’d thought safe. Someone I’d shared some of my most vulnerable moments with. There were more, but those were the ones that hit the deepest.

When you hear something over and over again, you start to believe it. I rehearsed her gut-wrenching words in my head multiple times a day. And I believed them. And I let her words be glued to my heart.

When you hear something over and over again, you start to believe it.

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I don’t know how to show grace. I don’t know how to love. I can’t lead people. The woman I stared at in the mirror brushing her teeth each day was no longer me. I constantly relived that cool October evening when I sat across from “my friend” and felt the sting of every dagger coming from her mouth, straight to my soul.

I craved to know my identity again. I longed to remember who Jesus said I really was, but His truth was lost in the jumbled weeds of the enemy’s lies. Desperation. That’s where I’ve been living for so long.

We all have those people in our lives – the ones who truly know us – the good and the ugly parts, yet love us any way. I’d asked a few of them to help me remember my identity. To help me hold onto who I really was. Maybe I could believe their words.

My toes curled a little deeper into the crevice of the couch as I spoke the daggers into the air. But as I did, I remembered the notecards taped to my walls in the bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, and next to my “Jesus chair.” The words of those who knew the real me had spoken.

You are humble. You are encouraging. You are authentic. You persevere. You are radiant in His love and joyful in your spirit. You are loving. You are a rare jewel of beauty from the inside out. You are inspiring. You are silly. You are transparent. You are bold. You are a talented speaker, writer, and songwriter. You are obedient. God is pleased with you. You are a woman after God’s own heart. You have a true worshiper’s heart. You are genuine. You are brave. You are compassionate. You are courageous. Your love for people pushes you out of your comfort zone and puts you through some painful times, but yet you continue to follow God’s lead because of your love for Him and others.

If I taped them everywhere I walked, I would eventually believe them, right? I so desperately wanted to. Every word they said contradicted hers and it was hers I chose to believe. I couldn’t seem to wash myself clean from the lies. You can’t wash off what you’ve embedded on your soul. You can’t do it on your own. Jesus, help me. Set me free.

You can’t wash off what you’ve embedded on your soul. You can’t do it on your own.

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I made myself read those note cards out loud daily. I couldn’t make coffee in the morning without being reminded that I love people deeply. I couldn’t take a shower without the reminder that I am transparent. I couldn’t get in the sock drawer without reading that I am compassionate. I couldn’t sit down to journal in the mornings without my eyes meeting the words, “Sundi Jo, you are humble.”

And eventually I could feel the lies abandoning my soul, replaced with truth. The note cards are still there. The struggle is still real, but I keep fighting to believe.

———-

I went back for another visit and once again shared the deepest parts of my heart with the mercy-filled counselor. She cried with me as I came to the realization that I was trying to recover from a trauma. I’d always thought trauma meant something physical, like being in a car accident, physical abuse, or the death of a loved one.

Trying to recover from a broken ministry, a shattered heart, and the murderous words of others is just as traumatic as a death. Something in me broke as she gave me permission to experience the last several months as traumatic. She handed me a box of tissues as I wept. Then she held me while I cried. She held me because she knew me – my heart – the real me – the woman who does love well, who shows others grace, who leads with strength and dignity, and speaks truth.

And as she prayed over me, God brought that forgiveness box back to mind. I saw myself writing each lie spoken over me and replacing it with truth about who I really am. I then folded each piece of paper and stuck it in that box. When every lie was thrown into the box, I would burn it and say goodbye for good.

I went straight home, tore off sheets of paper and wrote as fast as I could. Oh.. the truth was liberating. And my heart was lighter. And I chose forgiveness again, and I prayed blessings overs those who had cursed me. then I sat the box aside because it was too cold to light a fire.

———-

Yesterday was a beautiful day. It rained for a few minutes, then the sun popped out and the wind beckoning me to go outside for a walk. I was sweeping the kitchen floor when I saw the box. It was time.

Earlier that morning I’d just asked God to work on my heart. To destroy any hate. To help me see others the way He sees them. And I spoke out loud and forgave those who’d spoken death over me. Again.

I stuck the box in the middle of the fire pit and lit the leaves on fire. The wind puffed up and kept the flames going. I stood and watched the box slowly burn until I could see inside, where each folded up piece of paper quickly turned to ash. Lies burned in the fire. Set free by the truth.

You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.

No more holding onto them by the throat. Let go, okay? Just let go. So I do. And I will again. And God’s grace will walk me through it when my mind tries to push play on the old tapes. And I will continue to fight to hold onto the truth of who I am and whose I am.

Let go, okay? Just let go.

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Three Lessons Star Wars Can Teach Us About Life: The Greatest Graduation Speech Ever

I come from the coolest, craziest family ever: The Woolley’s. Oh ya… We even have a theme song. You haven’t seen dancing until you’ve seen a group of people get down to Wooly Bully. 

And when one of our own graduates, you can bet we’re the loudest peeps in the auditorium. My sweet cousin Crista recently graduated and took the stage as the Salutatorian, giving a speech that’ll knock your socks off. Not only that, but she walked away with a full scholarship to a 4-year university, where she plans to major in Psychology and offer hope to hurting people. Ask me if I’m proud. 

This girl is wise beyond her years, and the words she shared with the crowd certainly proved it. What better way to get your point across than using Star Wars to get your point across. She may have only been in this world for 18 years, but we have much to learn from her words. 

Here’s an excerpt from her speech that teaches us all three powerful lessons on how to approach our lives: 

Now, if any of you know me, you know that I love Star Wars. My cap has the proof. And while some of you think it’s pretty nerdy, I want to share some lessons with you that I have learned from this iconic movie series.

Lesson 1: Often failure is our greatest way to success. In A New Hope, Obi Wan said, “Strike me down and I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.” The things we learn in the midst of failures are what strengthens us and makes us who we are.

Lesson 2: Don’t let fear control your life. Yoda was clearly onto something when he said, “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Fear can cripple us from doing what we want and what is best for us. It holds you back from taking risks that are momentous, so let it go.

And the third and final lesson is that humor goes a long way. In A New Hope, Luke, Leia, Chewbacca and Hans Solo are trapped in a trash compactor. There seems to be no way out as the walls are closing in tighter. However, being the charismatic character that he is, Han Solo lightens the mood by saying, “One thing’s for sure. We’re all going to be a lot thinner.” Things are going to get tough in life, but making decisions in those valleys isn’t always the best solution. Sometimes you have to crack a joke, put a smile on your face and continue with life.

Thank You and May the Force Be With You.

The things we learn in the midst of failures are what strengthens us and makes us who we are. ~Crista Woolley

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What if we took a moment to truly soak up these words? No matter our age, we always have something to teach to others. We can let failure define us, or we can pick up ourselves up and move on. We can be controlled by fear and doubt, or we can do life afraid. We can choose to live in self-pity when life gets hard, or we can laugh a little, even in the midst of trials. 

When life hands you lemons, put them down and do the Wooly Bully. 

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I Need You: Join the Dear Dad Launch Team

In 2012, I put some of the most vulnerable words ever written in a book for the world to read, when I released my memoir, Dear Dad, Did You Know I Was a Princess? 

It’s so humbling to see how God used my mess and my redemption to inspire others to allow Him to heal the deepest parts of their brokenness.

Last year my publisher closed it’s doors and there I was… without any copies of the book. So… I decided to do something about it.

I got the rights back, decided to create a new cover, and re-release the book. I am so excited! 

Here’s more information on the book:

Your father. Did he love you enough? Did you feel safe with him? Do you think of him and long for something more? Did your relationship with him leave you feeling abandoned, used or unlovable? Has that heartbreak left you with bitterness,

low self-esteem, and shame?

Sundi Jo knows this pain. She journaled her way through the childhood wounds that left her with a fortress around her heart and her life on the edge of ruin.

With each entry, you can hear God’s pursuit of her. You can feel her need of Him and the struggle to trust Him. Turn the pages and find yourself nodding in agreement with her questions, her fear, “Am I beautiful? Am I lovable?

Is something wrong with me?”

Dear Dad, Did You Know I Was a Princess? is a memoir of gritty redemption written in love to the dad who missed the chance to really see his daughter.

Don’t miss this incredible eye-witness account of God as Father to the fatherless. See His power to overcome what would otherwise destroy a young and innocent heart, even your heart.

Allow her to share with you her discovery of redemption and restored relationships. Learn how to replace the shame and darkness with the beauty and light of Christ’s love.

Are you brave enough to join her?

You’ll hear more about Dear Dad in the coming weeks. But today, i have a single question:

Will you join me? Will you be a part of the Dear Dad Launch Team?

I need your voice.  You can help offer hope to hurting people who need to God as a Father to the Fatherless. Would you be willing to be an ambassador, to walk out the journey and then share it with someone else? We have a big world filled with hungry people searching desperately for a fill.

As a launch team member, you will get an advance digital copy of the book, access to a private Q&A call with me just for launch team members, access to a private Facebook group and a few more surprises!

As a member of the launch team, I ask that you:

Read the digital copy of the book in advance & send us a review
Spread the word on your social media channels, and tag me whenever possible
Write and share a blog post about your  journey, if you’re a blogger
Leave a review on Amazon.
Interact with the launch team community

Interested? Simply complete this form ASAP.  

Thank you ahead of time for your heart for this message and your passion for knowing who you are because of who He is. I can’t wait to see what He has in store for each of us!

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What Kelly Clarkson Taught Me About Insecurity

Don’t punch me in the face, but I’m about to admit something to you. Until this season, I’ve NEVER watched The Voice. I think I caught part of an episode at a friend’s house once, but beyond that, nope. Never.

Are you done judging me yet? Good.. now let’s get to the good stuff.

I had no intentions of watching it this season either, until my friend Marcie mentioned how funny Kelly Clarkson was. So I fired up Hulu and thought I’d give it a shot. Call me hooked.

I’ve lived my life caring too much about what people think about me. I’ve spent moments not worried so much, then moments so controlled by what others thought about me I couldn’t focus on anything else. I’ve known over the last several years that rejection is something I struggle with, but in the last two years the Lord has dug deep to get me healed from that stupid word. 

I’ve spent countless tears, journal entries, and counseling appointments working through the issue of rejection. I believe I’m in a season of healing like never before. Am I getting it right everyday, no? But in the words of Joyce Meyer,

I’m not where I need to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be.

God’s timing is perfect, and little did I know He would use a singing talent show with an on-fire Kelly Clarkson to help me continue overcoming the battle of insecurity.

Y’all.. This woman.. Not only is she funny, but when she speaks, cries, laughs, snorts, or makes fun of Blake Shelton, she’s the real deal. There’s no Hollywood. There’s no imposter trying to fit in. She’s just Kelly. I think she’s only a year older than me, but I totally want to be like her when I grow up.

Tommy Newberry says in his book, The 4:8 Principle:

What others think about me is none of my business.

Kelly Clarkson is the poster child for that statement, and man…. it’s impressive. Here are three things Kelly Clarkson taught me about being yourself:

Don’t be afraid to be you…. 

Looking back on my time leading Esther’s House, I lost my identity. I felt like I had to be someone for so many people, I lost track of who I really was.

When you forget your own identity, it’s really hard to help others find theirs. I didn’t have to be what everyone wanted or needed me to be. I just needed to be me. I’m still on a journey getting Sundi Jo back. It’s kind of creepy talking about myself in third person. 

When you forget your own identity, it’s really hard to help others find theirs. – Sundi Jo

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Not everyone is going to like you….

For us recovering people-pleasers, that’s hard to swallow. In the last several months, I’ve set hard boundaries with specific people. When they tried to force me to do things I wasn’t okay with, I found myself having to make the decision to give into their push or stand my ground.

Unfortunately, when I decided to stand my ground and not allow them to cross those boundaries, they retaliated and I became very unpopular in their eyes quickly. Looking back, I am a better person for setting those boundaries, even those I had to lose relationship with people I loved to stay healthy.

You’ll inspire others to keep pushing forward…. 

People are always watching you. Those in leadership or with a platform, such as Kelly, are watched with a microscope. What does your message say?

Kelly’s message screams authenticity. I long for mine to do the same. That’s where we should all be.

As I get back to uncovering who I really am, of course, my first step is to know without a doubt Who I am in Christ. My second step is to get back to being me, and being okay with that. I’m learning to be okay with the fact that I:

Laugh at my own jokes, and if others don’t, it’s still okay to think I’m funny.
Don’t have to change my opinion simply because I want to be accepted by you.
Like to know the “why” behind things and that involves asking questions. I’m always going to ask questions.
Will continue to speak truth with grace to you, and not allow the fear of rejection keeping me from doing so.
Won’t apologize for wearing my heart on my sleeve and having emotions. God made me that way and I’m learning to be okay with it.

We all need to live a little more. Smile a little more. Laugh a little more. Cry a little more. Believe a little more. Relax a little more. Rest a little more.

We all need to get Kellyfied. Yes.. I just created a new word.

Are you in? Let’s do it!

Of the three keys I learned fro Kelly, which one do you struggle with the most? Leave a comment below.. 

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Why I Quit Blogging

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I stopped blogging for a while. A long while, actually.

That doesn’t mean I’ve stopped writing, but I’ve been in a season of life where my writing became personal – just a place for me and God, and sometimes a few close friends. A place in life where I have poured my heart out to Abba – all the ugly and all the beautiful.

The last 9 months of life have been indescribable, heartbreaking, hopeful, healing, miserable, joy-filled, and redemptive. Someday I will talk about it all when the time is right and God gives me the green light.

The last several months I’ve just spent time focusing on me. Though that may sound selfish at first glance, I promise you it’s not. I’ve allowed God to do some deep healing in my heart. We’ve walked through forgiveness together. We’ve walked through understanding His grace at new levels. I’ve experienced much loss and much gain.

I’ve had to walk away from destructive friendships. I’ve had to say goodbye to people I once thought were safe. I’ve had to let go of much so I could gain much more. I’ve had to lay a ministry down and just wait for God’s directions on the next steps. I wish I could say it’s been easy, but that’s far from the truth.

Sometimes we have to let go of much so we can gain much more. – Sundi Jo

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Oh… but in this season of loneliness, I’ve learned so much. I’m still learning so much. 

I’ve learned just how much the enemy hates me and is set out to steal, kill, and destroy.

I’ve learned I didn’t lose my ability to lead.

I’ve learned as you grow in your walk with God, not everyone is going to like it.

I’ve learned I haven’t lost my ability to love and show grace to others.

I’ve learned that as you speak truth, sometimes you will be rejected by people you love.

I’ve learned God still trusts me in the big and small things.

I’ve learned that as you grow as a leader in ministry, your circle of trust becomes smaller and smaller. This may be one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve learned.

I’m learning at a new level that I don’t have to care what people think about me and that is becoming so stinkin’ freeing!

I believe the time to bring my writing back to the public has come. I believe new layers of healing have allowed me to no longer be afraid to share my voice.

Thank you for allowing me to have a season to breath. Thank you for praying for me. Thank you for encouraging me to keep using my voice to offer hope. Thank you for waiting for me.

As you can see, I got a new website makeover. I’m excited about it. I’m getting ready to re-release Dear Dad, Did You Know I Was a Princess, and I’ve got some other projects in the works.

As we move forward together, here’s what I promise: to continue being my authentic self as I write.

Here’s what I won’t promise: to provide you something new just for the sake of writing something new. I’m going to write and share as I feel led.

Let’s continue to walk on this journey together, eh? Let’s continue to heal together, one next right step at a time.

Love you!

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"Don’t Let Go" ©2018

Paul said, “I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.”

Guilty! Why do refuse the hand of Christ when we’re in the midst of darkness? Our hearts cry out for Jesus but our minds tell us no.

We know right from wrong. We know truth from lies. Yet we choose darkness.

Because we’re in a battle.



Sometimes we trudge through thinking we can never win, but that’s not truth.

I wrote this song inspired by Romans 7:15..

Jesus isn’t letting go, friend. Don’t you let go either.

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“Don’t Let Go” ©2018

Paul said, “I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.”

Guilty! Why do refuse the hand of Christ when we’re in the midst of darkness? Our hearts cry out for Jesus but our minds tell us no.

We know right from wrong. We know truth from lies. Yet we choose darkness.

Because we’re in a battle.

Sometimes we trudge through thinking we can never win, but that’s not truth.

I wrote this song inspired by Romans 7:15..

Jesus isn’t letting go, friend. Don’t you let go either.

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