Brett Cottrell's Blog, page 3

God-Given Rights are Often Wrongs

Steve Stockman. Dumbing down America since 1995.
Representative Steve Stockman (R-Tex) thinks that the “right to keep and bear arms is granted by God…” Stockman’s a lucky man.  I never get to talk to God, I always get a busy signal. Must be a congressional perk. But the Bible doesn’t quote the U.S. Constitution, and the Bible no more grants the right to bear arms than it grants the right to arm bears. In Luke 22:36, Jesus orders his apostles to buy swords, but Steve Stockman isn’t an apostle. In fact, if the Bible actually means what it says and Stockman were an apostle, at most he’d have a biblical right to swords – not guns. The Bible does grant him plenty of rights, though. Most of them are barbaric and bat-sh*t crazy. But, craziness doesn't stop Stockman. According to the Bible:Stockman has the right to knock up his maid (Genesis 16:1-4, 16:2, 30:1-4), have mistresses (Exodus 25:6) and he can even sell his daughter (Exodus 21:7-8). That's family values! Stockman also has the right to kill nearly the whole cast of Bewitched (okay, it’s a duty to kill witches, but a duty presupposes a right to perform it). Exodus 22:18; Leviticus 20:27. The bishop’s daughter in Footloose? Stockman has a right to kill her, too. Leviticus 21:19. He also has a right to pay women less than men - 2/5 less, to be precise. Leviticus 27:3-7. God also gave him the right to approve or disallow all his wives’ or daughters’ promises and vows (Numbers 30:3-16), and to rape any women he captures in war  (Deuteronomy21:11-14). That intractable issue in Afghanistan? God says Stockman can kill the men. All of them. Deuteronomy 20:13-14. If the situation arises, Stockman can rape his dead brother’s childless widow. Deuteronomy 25:5-10. He also has a right: to shave the heads of women who don’t wear hats in church (1 Corinthians11:5-6); to kick dwarves out of church (Leviticus 21:17-23); to feel superior to women (1 Timothy 2:14-15), and to exile uncircumcised men (Genesis 17:14). Stockman can also kill: gays (Leviticus20:13), interracial couples (Numbers 25:10-13), rape victims who don’t scream loud enough – mutes are screwed - (Deuteronomy 22:23-24), rebellious children (Exodus 21:15) (Leviticus 20:9) (Mark 7:10), anyone who doesn’t believe Stockton's religion  (2 Chronicles 15:13) (Deuteronomy 13:6-10), and anybody who steals his slaves. This, of course, also presupposes a right to own slaves (Exodus21:16). Finally, although the Bible doesn’t grant Stockman the right to guns, it does give him the right to as many wives as he can support. (Genesis4:19,16:1-4, 26:34, 31:17) (Exodus 21:10) (Deuteronomy 21:15) (Judges 8:30) (1Samuel 1:1-2) (1 Kings 11:2-3) (1 Chronicles 11:21) (2 Chronicles 13:21, 24:3). If this is where Steve Stockman looks for rights, I'm looking the other way. 

Fox News Phrenology

Fox News contributor and Redstate.com CEO Erick Erickson is an idiot. I know this because he says so. Erickson appeared on Fox News with Lou Dobbs, Doug Schoen and Juan Williams, lamenting a recent report that claimed women now make up 40% of family breadwinners.  Despite the competition, Erickson’s idiocy stood out. This was no easy feat. Consider Dobbs.  He was angry because, apparently, women having this sort of economic control dissolves society and has something to do with 54 million abortions since 1972 and high school drop outs and failing schools. Sure, Dobbs is a walking non sequitur,  but this kind of stupidity takes years of practiced intellectual neglect. Were it not sad, it would be impressive. But, Erickson upped the misogyny by claiming that “When you look at biology, when you look at the natural world – the roles of a male and a female in society and in other animals, the male typically is the dominant role. The female, it’s not antithesis, or it’s not competing, it’s a complementary role.” In other words, women should be subservient because Erickson watched Animal Planet.  Setting aside his fondness for role-playing and lack of anything resembling scientific knowledge, is this really a good way to make policy? Those who think they're dominant should be given legal supremacy? Phrenology, slavery, eugenics and Hitler’s master race were also based on, at worst, manipulating pseudoscience or, at best, fundamentally misunderstanding nature. To most people, this isn’t good company. But, as Erickson is proving so well, he’s not most people. In fact, as he so astutely points out, he’s an animal - an association my dog finds terribly insulting.

Senator Warren Starring as Officer Krupke

Ever since bankers like Llyod Blankfein of Goldman Sachs and Jamie Dimon of JP Morgan wrecked the economy, Congress regularly hauls them in to give them money and thank them for the wonderful job they're doing. This is an odd thing to do, especially given the petulance and disdain the bankers provide in return. Congress, with the notable exception of Senator Elizabeth Warren, is making a big mistake. These bankers aren't job creators or captains of industry - they're punks. Street criminals in suits.  Every time they open their mouths, I think of the song Officer Krupke from West Side Story. It goes a little something like this.   Dear kindly Senator Warren,You gotta understand,It’s just the smell of moneyThat gets us out of hand!It’s kind of like we’re junkies‘Cause money makes us drunk,Golly! Moses! Naturally we’re punks. Gee, Senator Warren, You’re very upset,But we haven’t reached the end of our recklessness yet.You think we’re delinquentsAnd that might be trueBut, luckily we’re just too big to sue. Too big to sueBig to sueJust too big to sueWhat can we do?
To big to sue!  That’s a touching story.  Tell it to the SEC!  

     Dear SEC your honorSenator Warren treats us rough,With all that federal money,
She won’t give us enough.So we steal it from the publicAnd there’s nothing you can doBecause we’re just too big to sue!   We won't go to jailJust make us pay a fine.
The cost of doing busuiness
All on the public dime.
We cannot go to prison
It’s a hotel for the poor.
Let us free so we can steal some more!



Right!
Senator Warren, you don’t understand
The kind of economics that we have here at hand;
All their Ayn Rand cannot be cured,
And it’s left them psychologically disturbed!







We’re disturbed
We’re disturbed
Like we’re so disturbed
We’re psychologically disturbed!





It is the opinion of the SEC that they’re depraved on account of a lack of public money.
They're depraved on account of being deprived.
Take them to a headshrinker!








My father’s a rich bastard
My mom’s society.
People say we’re privileged,
My golly can’t they see?
My sister has just one yacht
And mine’s a great big mess!
Goodness, gracious, that’s why I’m so stressed.



Senator Warren, you’re really a slob,
These bankers don’t need jail just  more money from their job.
Society’s played them a terrible trick
And basically they’re sick!








We are sick, we are sick
Like we’re sick sick sick,
Sociologically we’re sick.






In my opinion, these bankers don’t need jail at all.
Petulant greed is purely a social disease!
Take them to society!








Dear, kindly John Q. Public,
They say go earn a buck
But if they don’t let me steal it
I can only be a schmuck.
I’m not just anti-social
I’m also anti work
Goodness, gracious that’s why I’m a jerk.


Senator Warren, you’ve done it again!
These bankers don’t need a bailout just 10 years in the pen.
It’s aint just a question of being misunderstood
Deep down inside them they’re no good!





We’re no good, we’re no good.We’re no earthly good.
Like the best of us is no damn good.






The trouble is they’re crazy
The trouble is their greed
The trouble is they’re lazy
And take more than they need.
The trouble is they’re growing
The trouble is they’re grown.







Senator Warren, we’ve got troubles of our own!
Gee Senator Warren, leave us alone please
‘Cause we don’t give a damn about our social disease.
And, Senator Warren, we’re too big to sue…
So gee, Senator Warren, Fuck you!



In case you are unfamiliar with Officer Krupke, here's the song in the movie.
 

Another White Guy Thinks He's Rosa Parks

Brent Crane: Rosa Parks impersonator.If Idaho Assistant Majority Leader Brent Crane isn’t a complete ignoramus, it’s not from a lack of trying.

While debating in the Idaho House, Crane compared his opposition to the Affordable Care Act with Rosa Parks: “One little lady [Rosa Parks] got tired of the federal government telling her what to do…I’ve reached that point…I’m tired of giving in to the federal government.”

Two problems obvious to anybody not named Brent Crane: 1) entitled white men don’t get to compare their legislative battles to Rosa Parks, and 2) Rosa Parks was protesting state and local laws, making his argument comically self-defeating.

Mr. Crane’s lack of ignorance is really quite impressive.  Either he cannot distinguish between state and federal governments or he is completely ignorant of a national icon and the struggle she represents. I’d call him a clown, but I hate to insult clowns.

What’s behind this ignorance?  Mark Twain put it best: “We never knew an ignorant person yet but was prejudiced.”

Contact Representative Crane via email on his website. I’m sure he’d love to hear from you.

Right-Wing Snowquester

Washington, DC, was supposed to get six to twelve inches of snow today. We didn’t. We got rain. It’s the most annoying water in DC since John Boehner’s tears.

Ann Romney says it’s the media’s fault for not showing the world how great and charming her husband is failing to show the joy of a cold, wet blanket.

Dick Cheney says we’ve been duped by Saddam Hussein into believing that the city doesn’t have snow of mass destruction.

Rand Paul asked a meteorologist if the lack of snow had anything to do with Obama selling weapons to Turkey to send to Havana to pay for Paul’s “Ayn Rand is a Friend of Hamas Club” membership.

Pat Robertson blames women. If they hadn’t eaten the apple, we’d be nice and toasty in the Garden of Eden right now.

The Westboro Baptist Church protested the storm with signs that read “God Hates Snow.”

Justice Scalia claimed snowstorms only give the ground a sense of entitlement to snow.

Justice Thomas said his usual…  …   …   …

Jan Brewer blamed immigrants and muttered something about damned Canadians - first our geese, now our snow.

And finally, Senator Rubio, blaming the democrats, was forced to admit that the government can change the weather.

Scalia Speaks. The World is Worse for it.


In Supreme Court oral arguments today regarding the Voting Rights Act, Justice Scalia questioned whether the voting rights act might "perpetuate racial entitlement."

First, only a fool confuses equal access to voting rights with racial entitlement, and only an idiot worries about it.

Second, setting aside the dubiousness of his claim, whether a law creates a sense of entitlement is a legislative issue, not judicial. Then again, Scalia fancies himself a one man legislature.

Since when does the Supreme Court invalidate laws because they may or may not perpetuate a sense of entitlement?

Are child endangerment laws unconstitutional because they perpetuate children with a sense of entitlement to safety?

Are minimum wage laws unconstitutional because they perpetuate the laboring class's sense of entitlement to a minimum wage?

Or, taking the current example further, shall we strike all laws that prevent the government from discriminating against race because they perpetuate a racial sense of entitlement to equality before the law?

What Scalia thinks is a clever linguistic jab is actually not an argument against the Voting Rights Act, but instead a powerful argument in its favor!  If you have a right, of course you should feel entitled to it!

As usual, when Scalia speaks, the world is worse for it.

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Sausages

Spoiler Alert: This book does not
Contain a self-important memoir.Equal parts Tom Robbins, Christopher Moore and Jasper Fforde, Tom Holt’s Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Suasages , is an insanely imaginative and hilarious read. There’s no point telling you what this book’s about, it wouldn’t make any sense. But, I’ve got to give you something. There’s a pig who figures out the secret to transdimensional travel, a guitarist who gets turned into a rooster, a flock of chickens who learn that they’re really human lawyers, and a real estate boss who has no personal history but a knack for getting rich by eliminating the inefficiency of operating in only one dimension. All this happens because somebody tries to cheat in a 700 year-old game of “chicken or the egg.” Cheaters never prosper, especially when they forget that lawyer-chickens revolt. Don't mistake the humor for hollowness, there's a point behind the absurdity. A little Vonnegut seasoning. There are things we cannot know, and the more we try to figure them out, the bigger mess we make. As an added bonus, the introductory chapter is about as good a piece of creative writing as you're apt to find.  It is FANTASTIC, and the book is well-worth the price even if you read no further. After finishing Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Sausages, I immediately bought another Tom Holt book, Blonde Bombshell .  This is the greatest compliment I can give an author.

Don't shout "fire" in a theater without shouting "aim."

Nuns with Guns. The NRA's Dream. You can’t shout “fire” in a crowded theater. Unless you yell “aim” first.

Okay, you can’t falsely shout fire in a crowded theater, but the point remains that there are limits to our constitutional rights. Or at least most people think there should be. Just don’t tell the National Rifle Association.

After lobbying by the NRA, some states, including Ohio, have legalized carrying concealed weapons in bars. Setting aside the absurd constitutional issue of an inviolable right to publicly bear arms while drunk, who thinks this is a good idea? The same people who think the answer to the problem of guns in school is more guns in school.

Justice Scalia – an NRA stooge – interprets the Second Amendment so bizarrely, he thinks it arguably protects any arms that you can carry.  Grenades, rocket launchers, bazookas, Ted Nugent.  Who knows?

To be fair, most of these weapons wouldn’t allow a person to kill any more people than high powered assault rifles with high-magazine clips (with the possible exception of Ted Nugent, whose anger is measured in megatons). Still, to assume or imply that you have a right to bear these dangerous weapons is to betray your unfitness to do so! 

It’s a good thing that we don’t have tactical, hand-held nuclear weapons. By Scalia’s own logic, if they existed, we’d arguably have a right to bear them. Ahh, concealed tactical nukes in bars. The NRA can only hope.

Bachmann’s Existence Disproves Intelligent Design

Michele Bachmann is on the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence, which would be a good idea if committee assignments were aspirational and Bachmann could gain intelligence by exposure to it.  But, this isn’t the case.

Just take a look at some of Bachmann’s not-very-intelligent hits:

Slavery:
“But we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents [Constitution, Declaration of Independence] worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States.” This isn’t even unintelligent, it’s dangerously ignorant.  The Founders, most of whom owned slaves, designed a constitutional provision that prohibited banning slave importation for 25 years. Hardly tireless work. They didn’t even work up a sweat.

Global Warming:
''[Pelosi] is committed to her global warming fanaticism to the point where she has said she has even said she is trying to save the planet. We all know that someone did that 2,000 years ago.'' Super Man saved the planet, so does that mean he was trying to show up Jesus?

Wad spending:
“During the last 100 days we have seen an orgy. It would make any local smorgasbord embarrassed … The government spent its wad by April 26.” I’m going to look this up on YouTube, I bet it’s hot.


Intelligent Design:
''There are hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design.'' Bachmann’s existence disproves intelligent design. No question about it.

Swine Flu:
''I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence.'' Michelle Bachmann should avoid thinking, it does the enterprise a serious disservice.

Critical Thought:
“I just take the Bible for what it is, I guess, and recognize that I am not a scientist, not trained to be a scientist. I'm not a deep thinker on all of this. I wish I was. I wish I was more knowledgeable, but I'm not a scientist.” We know she’s not a deep thinker, but the admission is refreshing.

If you want to know what Michele Bachmann is really thinking, watch her Bad Lip Reading video. Pretty much sums it up.

Fear and Loathing in Law School



As an attorney, I advise you not to stop in bat country.
 As an attorney, I advise all aspiring lawyers to read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, by Hunter S. Thompson. Setting aside the oddly compelling orgy of depraved narcissism, the book is a helpful client relations manual.

For example, when your client wants to turn his important job in Las Vegas into an epic bender, arm him and go along for the ride, he'll need your help: “You’re going to need plenty of legal advice before this thing is over…And my first advice is that you should rent a very fast car with no top…this blows my weekend, because naturally I’ll have to go with you – and we’ll have to arm ourselves.”

Make sure he's got enough drugs: “We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screams, laughers…and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls.” Clients deserve thorough preparation.

Bring extra cash. You’ll need it for more drugs and a tape recorder. Courts appreciate easy access to incriminating evidence: “We’ll need…plenty of cash on the line – if only for drugs and a super sensitive tape recorder, for the sake of a permanent record.”

 Don't let your client take all the drugs. Advise him to share. You need some, too. “As your attorney, I advise you to tell me where you put the goddamn mescaline.”

Finally, never let your drunk, high, hallucinating and hungry client order a taco instead of a burger: “I advise you to get a chiliburger. It’s a hamburger with chili on it [or] I advise you to get a taco burger.” This is important. Menu malpractice is a serious threat they don't teach you about in law school.