Bathroom Readers' Institute's Blog, page 182
December 6, 2012
Welcome to Book Mountain
We know you like books, because, well, you’re here. We also you like weird stuff, because, well, you’re here. Behold, Book Mountain!
No, it’s not Disneyland’s latest mountain-themed attraction but literary hounds might consider it the Happiest Place on Earth. You won’t find any bobsleds or animatronic animals at Bibliotheek Spijkenisse, the new public library located outside of Rotterdam, the Netherlands, but you will find books. Lots of ‘em.
Dubbed “Book Mountain” by its creators at the Dutch design firm MVRDV, this temple of tomes features over 70,000 titles and what could be the world’s biggest bookcase. The library opened earlier this fall.
It’s an architectural marvel that’s drawn headlines from around the world. On the outside, the library looks like a glass pyramid. Inside, bookworms can search for works across five floors or grab a cup of coffee in a cafe located on the apex.
December 5, 2012
Hilarious Warning Labels
From Uncle John’s Fully Loaded 25th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (it’s 30 percent off! holy cow! that rhymes with “flirty percent off”!), actual warning labels that have appeared on actual products, that may make you actually pee your pants:
On a salt packet: “Warning: Contains salt.”
On a can of aerosol cheese: “For best results, remove cap.”
On an information booklet: “Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet.”
On air freshener: “For use by trained personnel only.”
On dog medicine: “Alcohol may intensify the effects.”
On rubbing alcohol: “Avoid contact with eyes, ears, brain, and surrounding membranes.”
On a letter opener: “Safety goggles recommended.”
On a travel pillow: “Do not use while sleeping.”
On a dust mask: “Does not supply oxygen.”
On a disposable razor: “Do not use during an earthquake.”
On a box of dice: “Not for human consumption.”
On a toy called Rubber Band Shooter: “Caution: Shoots rubber bands.”
On a bicycle: “Removing the wheel can influence the performance of the bicycle.”
On a disc-shaped chocolate: “Do not place chocolate into any electronic equipment.”
On a cleaner for eyeglasses: “Not for or direct use in eyes.”
On a birthday badge for two-year-olds (it says “I am 2” on one side): “Not to be used by children under 3 yrs. of age.”
On a dishwasher: “Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher.”
On a can of tuna: “Caution: Contains fish.”
And our #1 (and #2!) favorite:
On toilet bowl cleaner: “Safe around pets and children, although it’s not recommended that either be permitted to drink from the toilet.”
Good thing you warned us! Because cleaning toilets makes us thirsty!
Hey, we just thought of a new UJBR theme song:
“You deserve a book today / so get up and get away / to the bathroom! / yes the bathroom! / with a Bathroom Reader! / to read!”
Whattaya think? Pretty good, huh?
"Book 'em, Dano! And get their prints, too!" (Get it? Get it? Okay, sorry.)
An Odd Holiday: Today is Repeal Day
In 1919, Congress passed the 18th Amendment to the Constitution, prohibiting the manufacture or sale of alcoholic beverage. It ushered in a dark era in American history, commonly known as Prohibition. One example: It birthed organized crime, as ruthless gangsters like Al Capone made a killing off bootlegging. (If you doubt this, check out an episode of the brutal HBO series Boardwalk Empire.) The only ways to get a decent drink were at routinely raided illegal speakeasies, or making it yourself at home. If the words “bathtub mint julep” send a chill down your spine then, have we got a holiday for you: Repeal Day, December 5th.
After 13 long n’ dry years, American lawmakers came to the conclusion that Prohibition was unworkable and nixed it with the passage of the 21st Amendment on December 5th, 1933. Despite the valiant efforts of prominent repeal advocates, such as John D. Rockefeller Jr., that glorious day never became a sanctioned holiday. In the decades that followed, Americans celebrated their right to get blitzed on St. Patrick’s Day and Cinco de Mayo instead.
But interest in celebrating Repeal Day has revived recently. In 2006, Eugene, Oregon, bartender and writer Jeffrey A. Morgenthaler wrote a blog post promoting the concept and it caught on like Canadian whiskey in a speakeasy…at least it did in speakeasies, er, bars. Now drinking establishments from sea-to-shining sea host Repeal Day celebrations every Dec 5th.
So go out there and support your local tavern and raise a glass to toast your constitutional rights. Three cheers for Repeal Day!
Witten by: Brandon Hartley
December 3, 2012
A Book Joke
A book joke:
TEACHER: Johnny, who is your favorite author?
JOHNNY: George Washington.
TEACHER: But George Washington never wrote any books, Johnny!
JOHNNY: You got it.
HAAA HA HA, funny.
Hey, speaking of book jokes – did you know we sell books?
Hold on…that didn’t come out right. Dang it.
Anyhoo – your friends want an Uncle John Bathroom Reader! They totally told us that! And they’re on MONSTER sale RIGHT NOW! 30% off! WOW!
That is all. Thank you.
Bonus: Book jokes. (Really, really dumb book jokes, for the most part, but hey – we like dumb jokes.)
November 30, 2012
North Koreans Discover “Unicorn Lair”
"And when you grow up to be a big strong unicorn, I will take you to a place called 'Pyongyang'."
You will not believe the luck of these guys: they were searching for a unicorn lair—and found a lair with a huge rock in front of it with the words “Unicorn Lair” carved on it.
Pyongyang, November 29 (KCNA) — Archaeologists of the History Institute of the DPRK Academy of Social Sciences have recently reconfirmed a lair of the unicorn rode by King Tongmyong, founder of the Koguryo Kingdom (B.C. 277-A.D. 668).
The lair is located 200 meters from the Yongmyong Temple in Moran Hill in Pyongyang City.
A rectangular rock carved with words “Unicorn Lair” stands in front of the lair. The carved words are believed to date back to the period of Koryo Kingdom (918-1392).
And it’s a very significant discovery, too:
The discovery of the unicorn lair, associated with legend about King Tongmyong, proves that Pyongyang was a capital city of Ancient Korea as well as Koguryo Kingdom.
And you thought the Pyongyang was NOT a capital city of Ancient Korea as well as Koguryo Kingdom! Ha!
Time for all you doubters to eat a little crow! Horned crow!
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Freaky Car Crashes
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We’re hard at work on UJBR side project: Zipper Accidents. (Due out next March April! – Oops!)
For 25 years, there’s always been a home in Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader for those times in life you wish you could take back–“oops” moments, embarrassing accidents, spectacular failures. Because we never get tired of reading about unfortunate accidents (as long as they’re happening to someone else), here is a whole book of “the best of the worst,” the troubling and funny stories of things got terribly awry.
Researching a book like that, you’re bound to come across some freaky stuff. Like this:
Freaky Car Crashes
Getting behind the wheel of a car is truly hazardous to your health. If it isn’t the heart-attack inducing road rage, it’s the simpering pop music. It’s little wonder then that so many people find themselves in a compromising position. Scraped bumpers and dented fenders are all well and good, but if you’re going to claim on your insurance, you might as well do it properly. If you need some tips on how to crash with style, take a few lessons from these bad boys and girls. You may need to fasten your seatbelt.
Our favorite:
“Oh, well. Might as well have a smoke and wait for the tow truck…”
There are many more at the link. (Now back to work!)
November 28, 2012
Meet the BRI: Jay
In honor of our 25th anniversary, we think it might finally be time to introduce you to the people behind this amazing series. We will be posting brief interviews with each of the staff members throughout the month of November.
Today we introduce Jay:
Q: How long have you been with the BRI, and what do you do?
A: I’ve been helping Uncle John make books since 1998. I’ve written hundreds of articles, edited thousands of pages, ran point on half a dozen books, and shepherded more than 30 covers to press.
Q: What is your favorite part about working on Uncle John’s Bathroom Readers?
A: Getting to work in an awesome little house with an eccentric gaggle of fellow trivia lovers!
Q: Which stall is the best: the first, the middle or the last?
A: Second to the last.
Q: Complete this sentence: When life gives you lemons ______?
A: Put two of them inside your shirt and parade through your office saying, “Hey, everyone—look at me lemons! Woo hoo!”
Q. What is your favorite Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader story that you’ve worked on?
A. One of my favorites is “The Tourist of Death” from Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader The World’s Gone Crazy page 141
Disney’s ‘Old Yeller Shootin’ Gallery’
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Here’s one you may not have heard about:
Important Editor’s Note: What you have just read is not true. Any resemblance it might have to the truth is purely coincidental. It’s just one of hundreds of totally made-up, fictional “facts” in our very recently released, “Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader FAKE FACTS: Really Unbelievable . . . Because They’re Not Real.” (Amazon link here.)
11 out of 10 dentists surveyed say it makes the most awesome Christmas present ever! And it’s 30% off! Wow!
That is all. Thank you.
November 27, 2012
Chinese State Paper Falls For The Onion’s “Sexiest Man Alive” Spoof
The world continues to await the "Celebrity Deathmatch" between Kim Jong-Un's and Donald Trump's hair.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has been named 2012′s “Sexiest Man Alive”, China’s Communist Party newspaper proclaimed on Tuesday after treating a spoof award by satirical US website The Onion as genuine.
The People’s Daily website published two paragraphs lifted word-for-word from The Onion, along with a photo gallery of 55 images of Kim, who took over as the North’s leader after his father Kim Jong-Il died last December.
The newspaper, known for keeping to the Communist Party line, described the organisation awarding the title as “US website The Onion”, but made no mention of satire and published the report in both English and Chinese as world news.
Hold yourselves back, ladies: Link to the 55-PHOTO SLIDE-SHOW right here! (Although it may not be there long…)
Bonus: A Chinese paper did this in hilarious fashion at least once before.
*****
Related BRI Bonus: From our brand new annual big book – Uncle John’s FULLY LOADED 25TH ANNIVERSARY Bathroom Reader - a collection of some of our favorite headlines ever:
“12 Days of Christmas” Items: $107,300 (With Bela Fleck Bonus)
FIIIIIIVE...GOLDEN RINNNNGS!
My true love said to me, “Don’t even think about it”:
Your true love may want to reconsider those seven swans-a-swimming, six geese-a-laying and five golden rings when buying Christmas gifts this holiday season.
According to PNC Wealth Management, which measures the so-called Christmas Price Index, the cost of these three items have helped send the total price of the gifts featured in the popular carol ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ to a staggering $107,300.
The added bump means that you’ll being paying 6.1 per cent more this year for all 364 items than you did last year.
Mashable breaks it down, with comparisons to last year’s costs:
Partridge, $15; last year: same
Pear tree, $189.99; last year: 169.99
Two turtle doves, $125; last year: same
Three French hens, $165; last year: $150
Four calling birds (canaries), $519.96; last year: same
Five gold rings, $750; last year: $645
Six geese a-laying, $210; last year: $162
Seven swans a-swimming, $7,000; last year: $6,300
Eight maids a-milking, $58; last year: same
Nine ladies dancing (per performance), $6,294; last year: same
10 lords a-leaping (per performance), $4,767; last year: same
11 pipers piping (per performance), $2,562; last year: $2,428
12 drummers drumming (per performance), $2,776; last year: $2,630
Bonus: Bela Fleck and the Flecktones: “The 12 Days of Christmas,” each day in a different key…and a different time signature:
