Jonathan Ball's Blog, page 73

Haiku Horoscopes 002

by Jonathan Ball, Registered Fraud

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Wolves will attack you

Get rid of that wolf magnet

It attracts wolves, bitch

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Stop drinking the paint

Quit trying to sell your spleen

You need it to live

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Nobody likes you

They just like your hot sister

She has a great ass

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You are going to

Die in a car accident

Avoid paying bills

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Bend over and pick

That up from the ground for me

Oh yeah, that's the stuff

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Your are not virgin

You are only a Virgo

Stop scamming Christians

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

If you want to sell

Worthless shit, just hold contests

Car dealers know this

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Penguins are evil

Don't let them run for office

Kick their asses red

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

It is true, ask him

Jesus hates your stupid dog

It's fucking ugly

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

If you grease the palm

I'll get the stars to give you

Some action tonight

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You are not any

Good at playing your guitar

The whore had herpes

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

These fish freak me out

I hid in the chicken vat

Which was freaky too

FEB 2012 Poetry Review Column

My February poetry column is in the Winnipeg Free Press and also online, covering:

Lyrics and Poems by John K. Samson

A (short) history of l. by rob mclennan

Hordes of Writing by Chris Pato

The Unmemntioable by Erin Moure

Haiku Horoscopes 001

by Jonathan Ball, Registered Fraud

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Astrology is

The study of stars and their

Effects on suckers

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

While you understand

That the movies are not real

You still fear the Borg

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

As a Gemini

You like twins, but you like them

More as a pervert

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

When they made you, they

Broke the mold in many ways

Thus the bill they sent

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

You hate all people

But you are cute when angry

So nobody minds

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Music feeds the soul

No matter how confident

You feel, bleach does not

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

True wisdom declares

Arbil is Libra backwards

I hate writer's block

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Aliens are out

To get your cappuccino

You can do nothing

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Visit some old friends

You need a place to lie low

After killing Fred

Capricon (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Hell hath no fury

Like that guy with the blue car

You know, wears a hat

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Give up on your quest

To liberate my kitchen

Don't be such a jerk

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

When the zombies come

Make sure there are enough seats

And some fresh dainties

What Rappers Are Saying

***[I am trying to launch this column, so if you are or know a music magazine (online or off) that might pay for a column like this, get in touch.]***

Ever wonder what Snoop Dogg means when he sings that he's "all about the chronic, bionic ya see"? Armed with a Ph.D. in English, I take rappers seriously so that you don't have to. My common-speech summaries of rap hits, past and present, will make you appreciate how bizarre and hilarious rap lyrics truly are.

(BTW: Snoop means that his marijuana is laced with PCP, a claim made to bolster his status amongst casual drug users.)

CBC's The Next Chapter (Interview)

On CBC's The Next Chapter today. If you missed it you can listen here: http://www.cbc.ca/thenextchapter/episode/2012/02/13/michele-landsberg/

Farley Mowat and GGs gone by

Farley Mowat on the Governor General's Literary Awards, in earlier days. The italicized segments are passages Mowat reproduced from his own letters or journals, while the roman type is original to the book from which this excerpt is taken, Eastern Passage (McClelland & Stewart, 2010). We go to London (our London, on our Thames here [...]

95 Books 2011

For the last few years, I've made it my goal to read at least 95 books, which is the amount of books read by George W. Bush in 2006. Well, it's 2012 now, and here's my list! I shot past 95 this year, to land at 140, which Goodreads tells me is 147% of my [...]

Top Interview of 2011

My only podcast interview made the show's own top of 2011 list, so not a bad start to podcasting. Check out The Genre Traveler and her podcast Top 10: another Winnipegger right below me, and another Canadian topping the chart!

Winnipeg, City of Irony

From the City of Winnipeg's website: Can I recycle my broken blue box by placing it out for recycling collection? No. Our automated sorting equipment cannot handle broken blue boxes. Therefore, if you need to throw out a broken blue box, put it in a garbage bag and put it out for garbage collection.

Poststructuralism, explained. (Finally!)

Here you go, kiddies…. poststructuralism, explained. Courtesy of Hennessy Youngman (aka Jayson Musson).