Jonathan Ball's Blog, page 72
April 8, 2012
Haiku Horoscopes 007
by Jonathan Ball, Registered Fraud
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
The cops will find you
Next time do not hide yourself
In a doughnut shop
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your golf game improves
At the expense of your pride
And your fashion sense
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Watch for axe-wielding
Killers this week, and also
Every other week
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Date rock musicians
They are sensitive artists
With great big, um, hair
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
When the whippoorwill
Sings a sad song of lament
Turn off the movie
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Stop to smell flowers
They are good for what ails you
Except that weird boil
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
There is no helping
Some people, for example
Successful people
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Don't go to Zombie
Mountain, they don't like your kind
Ugly dumb people
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
I know your future
I am wise and powerful
Can I bum a smoke
Capricon (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Play the lottery
It's the only way you'll know
That you're not lucky
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Regardless of what
You think, no one wants to be
Warmed by your love fire
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Your dreams of fame and
Finding some good seafood will
Be partly fulfilled
April 1, 2012
Haiku Horoscopes 006
by Jonathan Ball, Registered Fraud
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Gas prices will climb
Sell your car for scrap metal
Ride the dog to work
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your discovery
Of a new way to have sex
Still does you no good
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your musical taste
Is perhaps better described
As horrible taste
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Starve a cold, but feed
The mutant poinsetta that
Lives under the bed
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Your career as a
Llama mechanic will be
Steeped in tragedy
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Two heads are better
Than a single big elbow—
It's kind of useless
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Get yourself cultured
Start attending illegal
Erotic cock fights
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Jesus is risen
But don't feel that you have to
Get out of bed too
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Your beliefs will be
Tested and will lose marks for
Always choosing "C"
Capricon (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Don't run the red light
If you do there's no way that
You will get a whore
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Avoid crowds this week
Especially any crowd
Of which I am part
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
You smell of success
No wait, it's really failure
Wear deodorant
March 27, 2012
Kafka on Writing
"The writer's existence truly depends on his desk, if he wants to avoid madness he can never really stray from his desk, he must hold fast to it with his teeth."
March 25, 2012
Haiku Horoscopes 005
by Jonathan Ball, Registered Fraud
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be hired for
The dubious position
Of office scumbag
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A camera will catch
You wearing the taco hat
Goodbye dignity
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
George Bush will declare
War on you this week when you
Sink his battleship
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You are as cute as
A button sewed onto a
Young punk rock rabbit
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
You're so vain, I bet
You think this horoscope is
About you, don't you?
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Be wary of clothes
Though they may look innocent
They are onto you
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Remember what your
Mom said about kicking dogs
They are total jerks
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Steer clear of fried food
Even more importantly
Steer clear of big trees
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
A tall dark stranger
Will enter your life this week
Like every week, slut
Capricon (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Your personal life
Like your new vacuum cleaner
Continues to suck
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
This week you will meet
Your lifelong hero when you
Kill him with your car
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Your love of Wicca
And your love of hairless cats
Will earn more hatred
March Poetry Reviews
My poetry review column is in the Winnipeg Free Press this weekend and also online.
March 18, 2012
Haiku Horoscopes 004
by Jonathan Ball, Registered Fraud
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Nobody likes a
Guy who steals their car for fun
Start to wear a mask
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your attempt to wed
The worlds of art and wombats
Will destroy your mind
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Money can't buy love
Unfortunately for you
Neither can ugly
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Your favourite cat
Plots daily to murder you
You still think it's cute
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Your name starts with "G"
No wait, the letter is "S"
Alright, just tell me
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
You have killer lice
But you also have monkeys
Congratulations
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Lava lamps are good
Volcano lamps are better
Get them while they're hot
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Puppets lie to you
Thier hearts are hard and wooden
Don't fall for their tricks
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Your diet will snuff
Out like a sugar candle
In a bacon storm
Capricon (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Enjoy your newfound
Wealth, success, and happiness
They will be fleeting
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Quit talking garbage
About your rodeo days
You just bought that hat
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Like Vanilla Ice
You will melt in the spotlight
Drink some antifreeze
March 15, 2012
I promise nothing.
Happy to be shortlisted for a Manitoba Book Award — the John Hirsch Award for Most Promising Writer. Congratulations to all those shortlisted!
March 11, 2012
Haiku Horoscopes 003
by Jonathan Ball, Registered Fraud
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will amaze the
Scientific world with your
Car that runs on sex
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will buy a car
That runs on sex, but your wife
Will not let you drive
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will come to think
That horoscopes are sexist
And will miss the joke
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Give all your money
To rude telemarketers
They are people too
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Leos are gorgeous
Their beauty knows no limits
Let go of my arm
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
The stars do not lie
Unless they want something, so
Never trust the scum
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Eating cheese will not
Show you the meaning of life
But who cares? Cheese RULES!!!
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
A wise man once said
Get off my property, thief
One day I'll get him
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
The only thing wrong
With your plan to get rich quick
Is that it's stupid
Capricon (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You have the talent
Now the only thing you need
Is more pretzel bread
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Quit singing that song
It makes me want to punch you
Don't say you weren't warned
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Fish are good to eat
Dog feces – somewhat less so
Go to cooking school
More poems? Four poems.
Four poems online now, at The Winnipeg Review.
March 8, 2012
Modern Bureaucracy
"I'm calling to change my mailing address."
"You can't do that on the phone. What's the new address? Okay, we will mail you the change of address form."
