Pam Laricchia's Blog, page 52

Teens Reap What Their Parents Sow

Teenagers. What’s the first thing that pops to mind? Something reminiscent of the MCR song? “Teenagers scare the living shit out of me.” A quick web search reveals that the conventional wisdom surrounding the teenage years is mainly focused on helping parents survive this inevitably challenging stage. Mainstream society treats it as a forgone conclusion—a belief as strong as tomorrow they’ll be a day older. This stage of parent-child relationship discord is practically seen as a rite of passage.

But what if it’s the conventional wisdom surrounding raising children that is specifically setting teens up for this additional turmoil beyond the physical and emotional changes that adolescence brings? What if we take a different tack? What if parents work to support rather than control their teens? What if we don’t try to keep them away from adult society as long as possible? And from their perspective, what if a teen’s desire for more independence and responsibility wasn’t met by a wall of resistance?

Unschooling families are giving it a shot. In essence, they choose to avoid the power and authority dynamic that many families set up at home. Without the “us versus them” mentality, unschooling teens don’t have a “parental authority” they have to challenge to get permission to do many things. Instead, they know their parents will help them as they pursue their independence and journey into adulthood. What a thoroughly divergent perspective from which to enter your teen years!

Teens Growing Independence

In more conventional families, where teens are less supported and more controlled, many teens are compelled to pursue their growing independence out from under the watchful and judgmental eyes of parents. Adults know this, but instead of reciprocating with real life opportunities, many towns and cities actively resist: some are raising the compulsory school age so they remain housed in schools (my province did this a few years ago, from sixteen to eighteen); some have instituted youth curfews so the police can keep them out of the community-at-large; public places like malls have created additional security measures and regulations designed to keep teens either spending or out the door. It seems we are doing our best to shut teens out of, instead of welcoming them into, adult society.

How does this look different in unschooling families? Instead of creating an uncomfortable environment at home which teens are eager to escape, they cultivate a loving and supportive one (supportive of the teen’s goals). On top of that, unschooling parents support their child’s wishes to get together with other teens. They’ll open up their home and provide a fun environment for the teens to hang out. Movies? Snacks? Sleeping bags? A cozy and welcoming room in which to relax and chat late into the night? Unschooling parents have developed strong and connected relationships with their teens and talk openly with them, figuring out what they want to do, and working together to help them accomplish it. What if their teen wants to visit others? They help out by driving (maybe hours away), or making other arrangements like bus tickets, or even flights. Instead of fearing teens gathering, unschooling parents help make it happen and create accommodating environments in which the teens can enjoy themselves. And in that enjoyment, they are learning so much.

Joining Adult Society

The conventional educational paradigm says that children go to school to learn what they need to know so they can graduate into adult society. For its part, society seems to be doing its best to shut teens out of the “real world” until that magical graduation day. And then we expect them to smoothly jump right in to this new world and navigate it successfully.

What are unschooling parents doing instead? Creating a learning environment for their children that is based in the real world from the get go. They support their teenager’s interest in engaging with society-at-large—whatever it looks like and at whatever age it develops. They help them find opportunities to volunteer in areas of interest; seek mentors to help them pursue their passions even more deeply; drive them to jobs; support them if they want to learn to drive themselves. In other words, they help their teens find opportunities to participate in adult society now, as much and as deeply as they are interested in.

The Family Atmosphere Parents Choose to Sow

When conventional parents choose to create a relationship with their children that is adversarial in nature that’s probably what they’ll get in return as their children become teens and begin to exercise their growing autonomy. It shouldn’t be surprising that if it’s tools of control they see from their parents, those are they tools they’ll reach for in conflict. You can only harvest what is planted.

Unschoolers choose to plant different seeds. Instead of seeing themselves as directing their teens with an attitude of “I always know better”, unschooling parents see themselves as supporting their child along the road that the teen is choosing. Supporting them means sharing our experiences, knowledge, and thoughts, but not directing their path. We’re available for conversations whenever our teen strikes one up; we initiate them as moments arise; and let them end naturally, instead of forcing them to continue to “make a point”. We treat them as the intelligent beings they are.

I have found that my involvement in my teens’ lives has not become fraught with conflict; but it does look different as they get older. I’m less involved with their direct learning—helping them find answers to their questions, helping them get their day-to-day needs met—and more involved with helping them navigate their journey into adulthood: we chat about longer term goals and the various ways to meet them; relationships and the motivations and needs of others; and figure out plans as they explore the world farther afield. I treasure our relationships.

In unschooling families the teenage years, though still full of the twists and turns and angst of life, are not further complicated by the conventional assumption that teens are troublesome and rebellious and need to be controlled. Unschooled teens have been living in and observing the real world for years and, with the loving support of their parents, know when they are ready to move more directly into adult society, whatever their age.

 

A Bigger Picture: The Transition From Childhood to Adolescence

This month we’ve been traversing the kid years, from attachment parenting to transitioning to school age, from not losing yourself while mothering to what unschooling days might look like. This week, let’s look at the transition into the teen years. The timing of this transition is not the same for all children, though typically it’s somewhere in the range of eight to twelve years old. There are lots of factors that can influence this, from their own personality and emotional growth patterns, to having older siblings (introducing teen topics into the family earlier), to the age of those whose company the child naturally enjoys, to the physical onset of puberty.

Regardless of their age, it’s a time when an unschooling child may be feeling unsettled and introspective as they ponder the transition from child to teen. They may find their enthusiasm for childhood loves waning, while at the same time still be casting about for new passions to catch their interest. A time of flux. It’s also a time when the child’s perspective grows to encompass more of the world and they begin to contemplate their place in it, often with broadening social interests and needs.

This transition can be a bit unsettling for parents too. They have watched their child devour information over the past few years, their seemingly insatiable learning pretty transparent: as I described last week, the evidence is often all over the house! Even if they aren’t learning the same things as conventionally schooled children, the learning is obvious and parents have probably developed a pretty comfortable routine of support: they’re quite adept at finding supplies to support their child’s ongoing interests; they have sources for finding new things they might enjoy; and the family has favourite places to visit regularly, like parks or museums or the store at the science centre. Yet now they’re discovering that this routine is losing its lustre for their child.

The conventional description of this transition time, nowadays called “tween” (an amalgamation of “in-between” and “teen”, because humans like to label things), is that they are too old for kids stuff and too young for teen stuff. But with unschooling we don’t really make age-related declarations. We don’t define things as “too young” or “too old”, instead we support our child’s exploration—they are where they are. I’m also not a big fan of the way the term “tween” is bandied about in relation to stuff, what they’ll like and not like, because it seems to diminish the real work they are doing. They are honing their sense of self, contemplating the kind of person they want to be, nurturing dreams of the future and wondering how they might find their niche in the adult world. It’s no longer mostly about the facts of the world and clear distinctions—right/wrong, yes/no—but increasingly about their emotional development and growth. They begin to explore moral questions, develop empathy; in general, seeing a bigger picture of the world.

It’s also a time when they may become interested in exploring that world more on their own. If that’s the case, help them find ways they can test the edges of their comfort zone while still having a backup plan that gives you both a measure of reassurance. Going to a movie on their own or with friends. Hanging on their own in town for a couple hours. A hike in the park. Visiting out-of-town friends for a few days. Help them find ways to explore their budding independence, maybe with a cell phone in tow, just in case plans change on the fly. And don’t be surprised if this skirts your comfort zones as well. Your child is growing up! But remember, you’re also growing and learning alongside them. Work through it together.

You can take the same tack if their interest in exploring social relationships or group activities grows: help them find good matches and support their drive for more independence. Another striking development is that conversations will become even more interesting as their analysis of situations expands and they incorporate more of the perspective of others. Their ideas will be more all-encompassing, branching out in new and fascinating directions.

What if they become drawn to quieter activities during this time? In my experience, ages eight to nine stand out as a time when some unschooling parents notice their boys become more withdrawn and contemplative. That’s cool too! Everyone will have their own ways of processing and learning and growing. In this case, I would remind you to check in with them regularly—find time to sit with them while they are doing their thing, maybe sharing their shows, or their game, or their books, leaving a relaxed and easy opening for conversation if they’re interested. It can be tempting to just leave them be, especially if you are busy meeting the needs of younger siblings, but it’s important to keep your connection with them strong, even as it begins to look different.

And really, what’s important no matter which path they take through this time, nor how often they choose to switch it up, is to keep your relationship connected and strong. Be sure to listen to them whenever they want to talk, or bat ideas around with them if that’s what they like. Or even just be with them, in the stillness and quiet. It lets them truly know you are there whenever they need you. It gives them the time and space to choose to open up conversations, or to sink into the comfort of your company. Remember, you’re supporting them as they explore their expanding world, and their expanding selves—as they live their life.

Life With Children

Unschooling with children is an incredibly busy and exciting time. They often bounce up in the morning and dash straight to their activity of choice, their boundless energy propelling them through the day, from activity to activity, until they drop with exhaustion. I remember wishing many times that I had their energy! Some evenings I walked through the house and tallying the bursts of imagination and play that had consumed them that day: a tableau of stuffed animals on the couch; a marble maze built in the corner of the play room; a Pokemon battle scene depicted on the kitchen table; swirls of shaving cream drying out on the bathtub walls; video game controllers askew in front of the TV; the dress up box empty and toy swords and crowns strewn around, the detritus of battle.

Winding down at night, maybe watching a movie or playing a video game, I might start to tidy up. Sometimes they’d help out—more often if I remembered to suggest a small and specific task, “Can you toss the stuffed animals in the bin?” Sometimes I’d tidy up after they fell asleep, surprising them with a fresh canvas when they came down the next morning. Sometimes the house was just as they left it, and seeing the stuffed animals frozen mid-scene inspiring them to pick up their game where they left off. Every day is a new day of fun and exploration for them, even when we sometimes lose track of what day of the week it happens to be.

So just what are they up to?

Exploring and Learning About the World

Childhood play and learning is fascinating. As they reach out into the world so much is new to them! Pirate movies. Bike riding. Pioneer villages. Building toys. Science centres. Water play. Somersaults. Museums with dinosaurs. Fantastical stories with dragons and magic. Baking cookies. Piles of leaves. Board games. Video games. Card games. Dice games. Hide and seek. The questions fly: Why are you doing that? How do you do that? Why does that happen? How does it work? At times you may feel like a walking reference library; other times you seriously consider investing money in your best friend Google. Through their play, children process and explore and connect all the new facts and ideas they encounter, learning all the while.

How can you support them? Let their minds roam free—that’s where the best learning is because that’s what their mind is thirsty for in the moment. Be their companion in play when asked (or offered and accepted) to support and expand their exploration. Answer their questions earnestly, or look them up, so they never stop asking. Share their excitement and wonder to stay deeply connected with them. Offer up food and drink regularly to keep them fueled. Share what you know beforehand about the places you go so they begin to understand the world around them. Be patient. And when you’re tired, sit and watch them for a while. Children are pretty awe-inspiring beings.

Exploring and Learning About Themselves

Alongside all that learning about the world, they are also learning so much about themselves. Their reactions are often visceral—immediate and strong: deep sadness and frustration when things don’t go as envisioned; bursting joy when they do; overflowing anticipation for upcoming events; overwhelming fear of things that scare them. As you are their reliable extra set of hands as they explore the physical world, you’re also their solid anchor as they navigate their emotional world.

How can you support them? Meet them where they are, emotionally and physically—kneel down to meet them eye-to-eye, or sweep them up in your arms. See the situation through their eyes. Share their excitement or empathize with their challenges. Listen to them, talk with them—either in the moment, or later when things settle, or both. Figure out how you can best help them process their emotions by looking to your child for clues. And don’t assume that will be the same for all your children. If they’re receptive, point out things you notice that you think might help them make a connection: “It can be hard to concentrate when you’re tired.”

Be their anchor, their safe place, and build a strong relationship with them. Trust and learning will blossom.

Living Together

A child’s curiosity and enthusiasm for life is contagious—if you let it wash over you instead of trying to tamp it down. Looking back, those moments when I remembered to be amazed at their persistence instead of battling it would often re-energize me. I eventually discovered a pattern: the exhausting days were those when I tried to make them fit my schedule. I asked myself what I was trying to accomplish with that. They often enjoyed the comfort of routine—knowing generally how the day flowed, how we’d get ready to go out, and so on, but a routine is not time-dependent like a schedule. So I stopped watching the clock and instead watched them. They were so beautifully curious, and much happier, when they followed their needs and interests, from the earliest ages. And I noticed that I was happier too when I wasn’t continually trying to redirect them; trying to coax them to adhere to my vision of what our lives “should” look like. More deschooling. Without my direction most of our days, weeks, months had a wonderful flow to them, with everyone’s needs rippling through. And what I discovered is that their free lives were, and continue to be, so much more interesting I could ever have envisioned!

Take some time to remember the ways your family’s lives sweetly flow together when there isn’t outside pressure being brought to bear on the day. And try to create more of that.

 

Are You Playing the Role of “Mother”?

Does that seem like a strange question?

This month we’re talking about unschooling kids and I’ve been remembering life around our house back when it included three children ten and under, with their beautiful yet seemingly endless energy bouncing through the day. I thought about the advice I often hear given to moms of younger children like, “remember to take time for yourself,” and I began to ponder the motivation behind those phrases because they never really felt good to me. And it struck me. Phrases like that imply that there are two versions of the one person: the “real” person, “you”; and the “mother”.

A quick aside: If you’re a dad, I don’t mean to specifically exclude you, but these conventional phrases are typically addressed to the mom, so I’m going to take that tack this week. Feel free to substitute parent and see if you too find yourself wrapped up in a role.

Those meanderings led me to contemplate these questions: Are you not honouring and celebrating yourself as you interact with your children? Do you not feel genuinely you when you’re with them? That you’re playing the role of “mother”, not being yourself? Do you think of your time as divided into two distinct slices: “there’s time with the kids when I meet their needs and ignore mine” and “time without the kids when I meet my needs and ignore theirs”?

Of course it’s not likely quite that black and white, but the questions get our brain juices flowing.

On one hand, putting on that mothering role can feel protective for the mom, like a favourite sweater. It can tell her what to do: “you should play with them”, “you should read to them”, or “they should take a bath”. Yet it can also become judgmental, swirling with echoes of the voices in her head. See what that word “should” does? That level of meta-thinking—thinking about what a “good mother should do”, while actively mothering—can add a layer between you and your child that gets in the way of deeply connecting with them in the moment. It’s like 75% of your brain is with them, and the other 25% is analyzing and judging every action you take. Instead, try to get fully in the moment with them. There is so much joy there.

Of course that doesn’t mean don’t think about it ever—analyzing our ideas surrounding the parent we want to be and brainstorming ways to get there from where we are now is how we grow as a parent, as a person. But that analysis can get in the way when you’re in the moment. Another interesting question: are you doing something with your children because you think you should be doing it or because you know you want to do it? I think pondering that question can help you see the difference between playing a role and being that person.

If you are choosing to be a mother, move beyond playing at it, and *be* it.

For me, this was part of learning to value my work as a mother. Instead of buying into the conventional idea that parenting is second-class work, that I’d be bored with my kids all day if I didn’t turn off half my brain and look forward to my time away from my kids to replenish the real me, I decided to bring my full self to each day. I found the many reasons I choose to get on the floor and play face-to-face with my children. To take them to the park. To make messes with them.

That was a big shift for me, realizing I didn’t need to be away from my children to be a whole person, to fully be myself. I started looking for things that brought that person out and nurtured her, while being with my children. For me, sometimes it was puzzle games with the kids. Or reading a magazine nearby as they played or watched TV. Or reaching for an almost meditative state during repetitive activities like pushing a swing, or separating Lego pieces. A candle lit in the kitchen while I tidied or prepared some food. A light nap as they were engrossed in a movie. A walk around the block giving us all new things to look at, including me checking out the neighbours’ front gardens for ideas. A quiet coffee and a book for a half-hour before the kids woke up. The whole me is always there.

What do you like to do? What refreshes you?

Let’s brainstorm some things you might do for a few minutes here and there throughout the day that will help you feel whole and present, not stuck in a role waiting for your moment to step outside it and be yourself:

dig into what you love: like a few minutes sitting outside with a coffee/tea and a magazine or book—fiction worlds you enjoy or nonfiction about your own interests and passions (while the kids sleep, nap, or run through the sprinkler);


refresh: like a short mid-day soak in a bubble bath (while the kids nap or watch TV or join you in the tub);


get the creative juices flowing: grab a sketchbook or some craft stuff you love and play (with supplies for everyone so kids are welcome to join you, or after they’ve fallen asleep for the night for more concentrated work);


change of scenery: a walk or bike ride around the block (alone after dinner while your spouse plays with the kids, or with them during the day, or the whole family);


get the blood pumping: do some yoga or hooping or trampoline bouncing (again, alone or with the kids—just start and they’ll often join in)

Asking yourself these kinds of questions helps bring your focus to you. Brainstorm some ideas for yourself and try them out, see how they feel. Obviously you don’t have the same time to dedicate to your interests as you did before having children, but that’s understandable, right? Children are now one of your passionate interests! And as you do some of these things, even if only for a few minutes here and there, be mindful to give the moment your full attention, truly revel and refresh. Don’t have your mind racing about other household stresses while you expertly navigate the stroller around the block. Where’s the fun in that?! And don’t stress if things don’t go as as planned. Things may not always work out smoothly, but they won’t always go awry either. And your children get to see you doing things you enjoy: they see you as a whole person, not only as a caregiver.

None of this is to say that you won’t find times when the thing you really want to do is to be alone for a while. Or to meet up with a friend. So arrange a trip to the coffee shop or the library while your spouse hangs out with the kids. Seek out a an older child as a mother’s helper for a while. But from this new perspective, one where you’re not looking for an escape but to live fully, you will understand why it’s what you need so you’re much less likely to feel like you need to justify yourself with phrases like “I’m taking time to honour and celebrate me.” Instead you can just say, “I’m going to the coffee shop for some quiet time to write in my journal.” You don’t need to wait for permission or a special occasion to be yourself. Just do it. (Did anyone else just hear a swoosh?)

Drop the role and be yourself—be the mom, and the person, you want to be. At the same time. And bring that whole being into each moment with your children, with your spouse, and with your friends.

Being yourself: it’s a refreshing and inspiring place to be.

 

Transitioning to Unschooling with Young Children

I’ve talked about deschooling a number of times, that period of adjustment as your family moves from schooling to unschooling. Yet some parents discover unschooling before their children hit compulsory school age and don’t send their kids at all. Though my oldest was almost ten and in grade four when we found homeschooling, my youngest was four and had only spent about six months in half-day junior kindergarten. Consequently, he had minimal deschooling to do—school attendance was a small, albeit annoying to him at the time, blip on his radar.

Last week I talked about how an attachment parenting style with your young children can transition to an unschooling lifestyle relatively easily if you choose not to send your children to school. The days before and after your child’s first day of compulsory schooling will look the same to them: they’ll get up when they wake up, they’ll play what they enjoy, they’ll eat when they’re hungry, you’ll comfort them when they’re upset, and they’ll nap when (if?) they’re tired.

Yet your thoughts may start to change—and it may take you by surprise. With attachment parenting you’ve been steadily moving away from a lot of conventional thinking related to parenting, and you’ve moved enough on the education front to have chosen to create an unschooling learning environment for your child. But with school now firmly in your thoughts, you’ll likely discover pockets of conventional thinking about learning still tucked away in your mind. You may start to have more lofty goals for your newly school age child. You may find yourself looking for learning that looks more like school. That’s not very surprising because it’s likely what learning looks like to you. Remember that although your child hasn’t been to school, you probably have. For many years.

When that happens, it’s time for some more deschooling. I’ve mentioned before that parents continue to grow and learn about unschooling, and life, alongside their children—your learning is never “done”. So don’t knock yourself when it happens. These moments will pop up from time to time as you encounter new-to-you moments in your parenting journey. Just as having a child triggered you to examine and choose the kind of parents you want to be, your first child reaching school age is likely to uncover some conventional thoughts and assumptions about education you didn’t realize you had. Same with other milestone moments, like when your eldest reaches the teen years: conventional expectations about the transition to adulthood will probably begin to explode into your thoughts like fresh brain popcorn.

What can you do? I think being mindful and aware of my thoughts has helped me catch my more knee-jerk reactions before injuries occur. For me, the idea isn’t to reject ideas solely on the basis that they are conventional, but to catch thoughts and actions that are based mostly on the fact that “that’s the way everyone does it.” I want to think about and analyze the situations for myself and choose my path forward with my children.

So what are some of the conventional ideas about learning that may pop to mind as your child reaches an age when the educational system would start teaching them in earnest, expecting them to perform to a certain level?

You may find yourself feeling an urge to start teaching your child instead of watching for learning.
You may find yourself looking at their activities through a school filter, looking for school-like topics, like reading and math.
You may find yourself feeling an urge to direct their play to more “respectable” activities.
You may find yourself feeling an urge to sign them up for “lessons” without considering their interest, like art or swimming or those cool-looking homeschool field trips.
You may find yourself looking for signs that their activities are more “purposeful”, more goal-oriented.

Your triggers may be different, but if it happens, first take a couple deep breaths. A stressed mind finds it hard to think outside conventional lines. When you’re feeling a bit more open, start digging into your thoughts about learning. Explore more deeply the principles of learning that underscore unschooling. Sure you may have read about them before, even intellectually agreed with them, but now you have a living and breathing child you love in front of you. It’s time to mesh your theoretical understanding with the practice of living and learning with your child. Revisit those questions. What does real learning look like? When does the best learning happen? Can we really define what every person “should” know as they transition to the adult world? Is a time-line for learning a useful concept? How is it helpful that unschoolers develop their own unique web of learning connections?

And alongside that, as always, go back to looking at your child’s perspective, their needs and wants. Instead of trying to direct them, use their interest as your guide. What are they doing? Why? Really look at them. Their learning doesn’t look like worksheets and tests, but I bet they’re learning. Their learning isn’t necessarily “this is math” and “this is reading”, but I bet it encompasses the much larger terrain of life. Life is full of numbers and letters AND emotions and play and thinking and discovery and logic and movement and and and … so many things!

Remember, it’s all important.

And they have a lifetime to explore it.

 

Attachment Parenting Flows Into Unschooling

There are discussions from time to time on whether the term unschooling is applicable for children younger than school age. Granted, in some countries school entry age is getting younger and younger, not to mention the assumption that children will attend preschool. Yet if pressed, I tend to fall in the “it’s unschooling when your child is compulsory school age and you choose to instead create your own learning environment for them based at home” camp, though it doesn’t bother me when people use it in conversation with me because I know what they mean. That said, it can be confusing for people new to the idea unschooling—you don’t need to choose your child’s style of education soon after birth—so I tend to stick with the “compulsory school age” threshold, especially since nowadays there’s a pretty reasonable term available that I think pretty closely describes the kind of parenting implied by unschooling for young ones: attachment parenting.

Attachment parenting, a term coined by Dr. Sears, focuses on nurturing the connection between parent and child. From his website:

“A close attachment after birth and beyond allows the natural, biological attachment-promoting behaviors of the infant and the intuitive, biological, care-giving qualities of the mother to come together. Both members of this biological pair get off to the right start at a time when the infant is most needy and the mother is most ready to nurture. Bonding is a series of steps in your lifelong growing together with your child.”

This parenting style not only supports the development of a wonderful relationship with your child, it also encourages parents to discover and learn things about themselves and their children that will facilitate a reasonably smooth transition to unschooling, should they choose to take that route. Let’s talk about three of those ways.

1) Developing this bond leads to a strong and connected relationship with your child and that relationship is fundamental to a nurturing unschooling environment. You play with them, you answer oodles of questions, you show them things you think they’ll enjoy, you hug them when they’re sad, you help them when they’re angry, you feed them when they’re hungry, and you probably feel like you’re constantly changing their diapers and clothes. In other words, you live life alongside them. You’re responsive to their needs. Every time you help them meet their needs, you’re building a more connected relationship. They are comfortable coming to you for help. You become their trusted guide to the world around them.

2) Another aspect of this lifestyle, taking signals from your child about their needs (versus requiring them to fit into your expectations and schedule) also leads smoothly into the unschooling mindset. This is a bit different than all the connecting you’re doing above; it’s more about getting comfortable with your child following their interests. Each time you see your child expressing and then satisfying a need, with or without your help, you see the connection between them. Through your observations over time, you realize that their needs aren’t arbitrary or random: there’s a real internal motivation behind them. That experience builds trust that inspires you to help them meet their needs, even when you don’t yet know what the motivation is. Unschooling at its finest.

3) Yet another benefit of this style of parenting young children is that you are observing and helping them all the time. That means you see their learning in action. Whether it’s learning to turn over, or crawl, or walk, or talk, or eat, or reach the doorknob, or pick up a toy, or any of the the incredible number of other things they learn in their first few years, you are awed by their determination to do whatever they set their mind to. As John Holt wrote in How Children Learn, “Fish swim, birds fly; man thinks and learns.” It’s another unschooling principle brought to life: people are wired to learn, and the best learning happens when they are interested and engaged in an activity.

There’s another reason I would encourage parents of young children to think in terms of parenting rather than unschooling: so they don’t put more pressure on themselves. Being a parent of young children is time-consuming and often physically exhausting—I remember when I had three children ages five and under. You are their capable emissary to the world, helping them meet the many needs they can’t yet fulfill on their own while supporting them as they try so determinedly to learn how to meet them themselves. If on top of all that parenting you add expectations about unschooling, it can get overwhelming.

Absolutely, if you’re interested and curious, read and learn about unschooling. You’ll find lots of ideas that will support your attachment parenting lifestyle, inspire your days, and likely excite you with thoughts about what the future holds. But feel free to remind yourself that right now, with your young children, you’re “just parenting”. And the great thing about attachment parenting is, if you do end up choosing unschooling for your child’s learning environment, there won’t be any difference in what your days look like before and after your child’s “first day of compulsory schooling.”

It’s living our lives together as a family.

 

Learning is Learning No Matter Your Age

… or helping the reluctant spouse/partner/other significant adult in your child’s life learn about unschooling.

It’s pretty typical that one parent takes on the bulk of responsibility for the minutiae of day-to-day parenting. Maybe one parent is working out of the home and one parent is unschooling with the children, though there are lots of different takes on that theme: maybe both are working outside the home and they alternate their hours; maybe the parent earning the bulk of the income works from home; maybe it’s a single parent working from home or using some child care, but with an ex in the mix.

Regardless of the circumstances, it’s understandable that it’s the parent who dives in and learns about homeschooling and unschooling that becomes more and more interested in moving the family in that direction. Often the spouse/partner agrees to try it out for a while, not understanding it very deeply, but trusting the more informed parent. Yet if one parent has taken the bulk of responsibility for learning about and implementing unschooling in the family, chances are the other parent will eventually start to wonder what’s going on. Maybe parenting philosophies seem to be changing and they puzzle over how they fit in. Maybe they start to worry about their children’s learning—that’s not surprising, they can’t find the school-type learning they are likely looking for anywhere!

On the other hand, it’s probably an exciting time for the unschooling-focused parent. You’re understanding unschooling more and more deeply and you can see the positive effects this lifestyle is having on your children, and yourself. Maybe you’re also feeling a bit frustrated that your spouse/partner isn’t seeing it too. Try to breath through and release that. Be mindful not to fall into the role of teacher, doling out a reading list to be completed, the test being living under your watchful eyes. It won’t help them learn any faster and will probably cause lots of frustration in the relationship.

Keep putting yourself back in the mindset that you’re not trying to convince them, you’re trying to help them learn. With unschooling, when we look at learning the focus is on the learner, not on the teacher. It’s not about you, it’s about them. Look at things through their eyes, understand where they’re coming from. They care about their children. They want what’s best for them. Meet them where they are. What are they curious about right now? How can you support their learning about unschooling?

Well, how do they learn best? Unschooling is based on universal and lifelong learning principles, meaning there aren’t separate ways for kids and adults to learn. You’ve discovered your kids have their preferred ways of learning things—adults do too. So don’t be tempted to overwhelm your spouse/partner with information in the way you like to learn. Share the information you think they would find helpful, in the format and amount that best supports their learning style.

If they are keen readers and want to dive into the details, feel free to share the websites and forums and email lists and books you’ve probably been devouring for months. Maybe they’ll read, ask questions, and great conversations will ensue. But if they aren’t interested in learning that way that’s not a slight against you, any more than it is when your kids don’t take you up on an offer. You’re learning more about how your spouse likes to learn. And it’s to your advantage as the primary unschooling parent to help your spouse/partner understand what you’re up to so devote some of your time and energy to making that learning as easy as possible for them.

As you know, there are lots of ways to learn things! And when does learning typically best happen? When it makes a connection with some knowledge or question they already have or when they’re particularly curious about something. So notice when a piece of information about unschooling might make a connection for them.

Is there a particular issue or question your spouse/partner has right now? Let’s pick a topic, say video games, and brainstorm some ways you can share information over the next while to help them discover all the learning that your child’s doing while playing:

Share information that directly connects to the question: sometimes sharing information online—by email, FB message etc—is less emotionally-charged than face-to-face discussions. You could forward a related unschooling discussion email, a forum post, or a link to a web page, maybe with a short preface from you about how it relates to your current discussions: “We were chatting about video games and learning the other night and I came across this information you might find interesting.” Not a long and drawn-out treatise citing a dozen sources—you’re not trying to overwhelm them, you’re trying to help them learn. Share in digestible bites.
Point out related moments in your lives as they happen: “Hey look, Todd is reading through is game guide, figuring out how to do the puzzle he’s stuck on.” Maybe they don’t notice those moments on their own, caught up in their own things.
Invite your spouse/partner to get directly involved: “Todd and I are trying to figure out this puzzle he’s stuck on, can you help us?” Hands on observations can be really helpful in seeing the learning that is happening. Even better, ask him to play! Often parents don’t realize how much quick thinking and analysis is going on during game play until they try it themselves and all of sudden have to manage their health level, their map, and their weapons, while quickly contemplating the most effective moves to make.
Is there a book on the topic you think they’d find particularly helpful? If they don’t like to read, what about an audiobook? More and more books have audio editions and they might be a great fit with driving to work or while doing work around the house.

If there’s not a particular issue, you might want to generally help them feel involved and engaged in everyone’s day-to-day lives. You could snap and send a few pictures during the day, letting them see what you’re up to and including a brief description. Or you could put that information on a blog, even making it invite only so you share what the kids are up to only with close family. If you think they’d benefit from seeing other unschooling families in action, maybe find an unschooling gathering or conference through an online group with whom you feel a connection. If you have a local group, maybe set up a weekend park day so that more spouses/partners are able to attend.

The key is to share your lives with them so they feel connected, so they can see firsthand that their children aren’t being neglected but are living and learning and growing and thriving. Don’t expect it to happen overnight. Remember, they likely have less time each day to devote to learning about unschooling—but they are still fully devoted to raising their children.

And remember to support all their learning. Certainly about unschooling, but also about anything else they’re interested in. If they have a hobby, happily support that, just as you would your children’s interests. Listen to them share their joy. Share with them related things you think they might find interesting: an article online, a magazine you found at the store, a documentary you found on Netflix. Not only are those are nice and loving things to do, they are also real examples of unschooling in action.

Show them how unschooling works, don’t just tell them. Because learning is learning no matter your age.

 

How Do You Measure “Fair”?

The idea behind fairness is an important one: to be fair is to be free from bias. In families that means not showing favour for one child over another. It has come to symbolize love. And parents don’t want any of their children to feel they are less loved than their sibling(s).

But how do you measure “fair”?

Most conventional families measure it based on quantity. They strive for equality: they give all their children the same number of gifts for holidays; or spend the same amount of money on each for their birthdays; or sign them up for the same number of recreational activities.

Is that fair? It certainly looks so from the parents’ point-of-view: “Look, the numbers prove it!” And over time, the kids hear the message loud and clear and start to view their lives through the same filter—everything is weighed and measured. “Hey, his bowl of ice cream is bigger than mine!” “Why can’t I go out with my friends? She went last night!” Parents can cling to this equality justification, but the score-keeping gets wearying. In the end, it doesn’t really seem like a helpful measure of love, does it?

So how else might we look at things?

Unschooling families are more apt to observe and evaluate situations from the child’s perspective. Sure, both kids got a pair of skates, but did they both want a pair of skates? As parents move to unschooling they begin to see fairness not as a quantitative measure of what the parents give, but as a qualitative measure of the value each child receives. They no longer ask themselves, “Do I think my children should feel loved and secure?” They ask, “Do they feel loved and secure?”

Equality in what you give each child isn’t a helpful measure of fairness or love because what each child needs from you is likely different. One child may need more of your time, wanting a lot of personal interaction. Another might have an active outside interest that needs more of the family’s money to support it. Still another might need more of your active participation, joining them as they pursue their interests. You may be giving each of your children very different things that take varying amounts of time and effort and money. But when their needs are met, they each feel content, secure, and happy: equally loved.

Yet no matter how hard you try, there may be real reasons why things feel unfair to a child in the moment. Maybe one child gets sick or injured and needs more attention for a while. Maybe there’s a busy season with one child’s activity. Siblings can understand the need, but still feel things are unfair in the moment. Those are really good moments to talk with your child about the situation. Or better yet, just focus on listening. Hear their perspective and acknowledge it. Be compassionate. If it seems appropriate, share your perspective—though not with an eye to convince them to change their feelings. Maybe it is unfair right now. You’re learning more about each other. About life. That’s why I don’t see eye-to-eye with those who feel parents shouldn’t help their children as much as possible because kids need to learn that “life isn’t fair”. There will be enough real moments when life feels unfair—we don’t need to manufacture them.

An interesting outcome I’ve observed is that when each child feels like their needs are being met and life feels fair, they feel less competitive with their siblings. There’s minimal push and pull and struggle for attention or power. That’s because they come to measure their happiness based on their own needs being met, not constantly looking to those around them for validation of their own worth.

If their sibling gets a *insert fun thing* and is really happy? They don’t feel spiteful; they don’t demand they get one too just to be fair. That’s not to say they might not try it out and like it and ask for one too because they feel they would enjoy it. If so, when they get it they’ll most likely use it and learn and expand their world. But if they want it just because their sibling has it, once they get it, their mission is accomplished and there’s no need to actually use it—it just sits on the shelf. What a different mindset!

Instead of learning to measure fairness through numbers, they learn to see and consider the real people behind the numbers. They learn people have different needs, and that it’s meeting those needs that is important, not necessarily how those needs are met. As they extend this understanding beyond their family, their friends feel better understood and supported. That’s much better information to bring into adulthood than a penchant for tit for tat comparisons.

Value and love in a family isn’t best measured by everything being equal. It’s better to look to your children and see if they feel like a valued and cared for member of the family. If not, start there.

 

“Who Am I and What Makes Me Tick?”

What activities do I like to do regularly?

What really annoys me? What makes me smile?

What food makes me feel good physically? How much food fills me up comfortably? Am I hungry when I eat?

How much sleep helps me wake up feeling refreshed? Yet if I’m excited about something, can I push through tiredness or am I mostly cranky?

Do I think and learn better when I’m alone? Or do I prefer to bounce ideas around with others?

Am I more relaxed and attentive when I’m nestled in amongst all my things? Or in a sparse environment because clutter is too distracting?

When I’m interested in something, how do I like to learn about it? Do I sit back and observe? Research? Do I dive in? Give it a shot?

Do I like baths or showers? Morning or night?

Do I like a routine to ease gently into sleep? Or do I like to keep going until I drop, content and exhausted?

The answers to these kinds of questions paint a unique picture of who I am and what makes me tick.

Many parents make these choices for their children: “Tidy up your room before you go play.” “It’s bedtime—go put your pyjamas on and pick a couple books.” “Your t-shirt is dirty, go put on a clean one.” “Finish your plate before you get down from the table.” Why? I think there are a few reasons that mix and match to varying degrees:

These are the ways that feel best for them so they want to pass their wisdom along to their children—they like things tidy; they like to read before they go to sleep; they like their clothes spotless;
They want their children to fit in smoothly with their routines—life is easier, less complicated;
They have been told there are “right” ways to live their lives and they want to help their kids develop those habits so they aren’t judged negatively by others (even if the parents themselves don’t feel they measure up).

It’s a noble ideal: they want their children to learn the right ways to take care of themselves so they become successful adults.

But what does this have to do with unschooling? Let’s find out.

To start, I’d tweak the goal with two short but very important words: “ … want their kids to learn the right ways for them to take care of themselves so they become successful adults.”

We all have our own definitions of “successful”, but what a difference those two words make. For them. We are all different people, yes? Regardless of our age. Think about you and your spouse for a minute. You’re reasonably successful adults, do you go to bed at the same time? Get up at the same time? (I’m more of a morning person, while my husband’s been more of a night owl—huh, common phrases for different sleeping patterns.) Do you both like baths? (For us, that’s him more than me—if we broaden the definition of bath to include hot tub). What about living environment? (I enjoy being surrounded by things that make me smile and if it’s not in a pile I can see I forget it exists, while he mostly finds clutter distracting.) In essence, we’re both pretty different in how we tick: our habits, our personalities, our likes, and our dislikes surrounding day-to-day living.

Those differences are part of life, and there is no one “right” way for individuals to live; other than the way that works best for them. Why would we think that would be any different for children?

So, say I want my children to learn how they tick, why are unschooling principles a good way to go about it?

As I got more and more comfortable with the unschooling learning environment, as I saw my children’s real learning in action, as I saw all the learning that comes through living, my eyes opened and thoughts swirled. For me, there were a couple key observations that swayed my choice.

Firstly, this personal learning rose in importance in my eyes. With the education system’s myopic K-12 view gone, I began looking at the bigger picture of their lives, to view childhood as the growth of the whole person into adulthood. Digging deeper, I realized how important understanding myself and how I tick has been for all aspects of life. How exceptionally useful that information is as an adult, in both my work and my relationships, and how since figuring that stuff out my life has been much more joyful because I am no longer working against myself (i.e. trying to act like someone else’s—society, parents—vision of me). So much better! I also realized that it took a lot of time to explore and discover my quirks, my needs, my goals—and to realize that they change over time. For me, this understanding of themselves became something very important to pass along to my children, alongside their more academic learning.

The second observation was about the learning: I came see it’s all learning. Over our first unschooling months, their learning became more intertwined with our living. I began to make less and less distinction between academic and personal learning—both were happening in most situations. Their personality and current needs and ways of processing were just as vital to the learning process as was the academic knowledge or skill they were pursuing. And unschooling was supporting all of their learning spectacularly.

As parents, we choose whether we’ll extend unschooling beyond academics in our family. I just encourage you to make that choice mindfully. Let’s tie this in to last week’s post about unschooling with strong beliefs. I think we can liken strong beliefs with strong rules based on the belief that these are the “right habits” a person should develop. Maybe that strength of belief comes because the parent had a very negative experience growing up that they are determined to help their child avoid. Maybe they are firm that their children do the things they think may have helped them avoid the situation (early curfews, restricted activities, restricted foods etc). Again, the parent’s motivation is understandable, but they have become stuck and can’t see the real effect of their actions—the damage that attitude can do to their relationship with their children can be irreparable. They have put their issue above their children.

If you do choose to move to an all-encompassing unschooling lifestyle, as with all unschooling learning, the key is when they’re interested. As their parent, you have an idea how your children tick and can make a good guess at what works for them—they’ve been communicating that information to you since they were born. Don’t overwhelm them with choices they aren’t interested in making. But when they are interested in trying things differently—like a change in their going to sleep routine, or in their eating habits, or in how tidy their room is, or whatever bit of life they are contemplating—be open to letting them explore. That’s when their interest is piqued and their learning is sparked.

There’s one other point I’d like to touch on. It’s common for those first hearing about unschooling to wonder skeptically, how do the kids learn to get up in time for jobs, or to do what their boss tells them, or to do any other adult thing the questioner finds distasteful, so that they will grow to be independent, successful adults who can pay their bills and get jobs. That’s not a surprising question—it’s a big stretch at first!

But think about it for a minute. It’s actually not that illogical. Unschooling kids are making their own choices every day and throwing all their enthusiasm behind them. When they choose to start a job, their enthusiasm to follow their choice will help them get up in the morning, more than any previous years of “training” to get up will.

Unschooling has precisely helped them learn how to follow through with their choices. And given them lots of practice in making good choices and understanding the motivation behind them. They won’t see their job as a burden, one they must have trained years for by getting up early and sitting bored at a desk for long hours and being forced to do things they don’t want to do day and day out. They will also make better job choices up front: understanding themselves, they won’t pursue a job that is a complete mismatch with their personality and lifestyle. And if they choose to take one that isn’t a great match, they will have other reasons, like the money, or the schedule, or the experience etc, and those will motivate and reward them for going to work. Or if their job does become a burden, they will start looking around for a better match because that’s what they’ve always done. When things don’t work out, they don’t feel stuck, they find ways to move on. They are wonderfully prepared to be independent, successful adults.

Their learning is an amazing thing to witness.

(And wowza. This one took a lot of wrangling to get what was in my head out in words! I think I wrote at least double this trying to figure it out. LOL! But, for now, I’m reasonably happy with it.)

 

Unschooling With Strong Beliefs

In case you haven’t yet come across the idea of rules versus principles as related to unschooling, here’s a super quick summary. Rules are often used as shortcuts—substitutes for thinking in the moment. “In that situation, always do this.” What to do. On the other hand, principles encourage the discussion and evaluation of a situation: learning and understanding. Why you’d choose to do it. More experience analyzing circumstances. More experience seeing situations from others’ perspectives. More experience brainstorming possible paths forward.

Living by principles sounds pretty logical when real learning—learning that is understood and remembered—is the goal. And not only are these discussions an opportunity to understand each other a bit better, the process minimizes power struggles because the conversations aren’t fraught with “do as you’re told” edicts. The downside? It takes time. But without the stress of rushing the kids through a day dictated by a school schedule and evening homework, you have the time to help them develop this valuable, lifelong skill.

But what if there is an area of life that you’ve already spent a lot of time analyzing and have come to some pretty solid conclusions? What if you have some pretty strong beliefs? These beliefs are truths for you. Your life feels better living this way and you believe your child would be better off living this way too.

It is hard to imagine that your child may not hold the same beliefs as you. That they may not draw the same conclusions as you from a set of facts. Yet it’s true. Your child is not a carbon copy of you—they are a beautifully unique combination of genetic material wired to think their own thoughts.

Certainly when they are younger you have much greater control over their environment, over what comes into your home. You just don’t cook or serve meat. Or you don’t buy processed foods and you do your own baking. Or you go to a place of worship every week. Or you faithfully recycle and bike most places. Or you don’t have a TV. It’s just what your family does.

The turning point comes when your child becomes aware that other options exist. In that moment, you may feel a rising fear of dissent, a fear mired in all those reasons you chose to eschew those options in the first place. Watch how that fear may push you to let your strong principles become rigid rules. Yet fear is not a good motivator for making choices. And rules aren’t a good tool for real learning.

What else might you do? You can choose to share with them information about why you do the things you do. In digestible chunks as it comes up—not in a big, sit-down, “I’m going to convince you why I’m right” talks. Remember, your strong beliefs developed after you were interested enough to dive deeply into the topic, learning and questioning and developing your own understanding. In moments when they are interested, share a bit more information. Not just stuff edited for your view. The surrounding bits too. Real learning.

Let’s play with an example. Maybe you’re staunchly vegetarian. You have your reasons: maybe they’re mostly health-based; maybe they’re based on your thoughts surrounding animal cruelty; maybe you find the texture of meat in general unappealing. Whatever your reason, that’s great!

Yet when your child discovers that some people eat meat, how will you react to their curiosity? Maybe you share briefly why you guys don’t eat it, in language that is appropriate for your child (remember, don’t try to create fear). Maybe that satisfies their curiosity for now. Maybe they ask some more questions and you continue the conversation until they move on.

But supporting their exploration doesn’t mean you need to toss your principles out the window. Take the time to understand your thoughts surrounding the situation. That’s important, not only so that you don’t feel unduly pressured to act contrary to your principles, but also so that you can share your thoughts to help them understand how you came to your conclusion. Then maybe at some point they’re interested in trying some meat. Let’s brainstorm a few ways you might go:

Maybe you are comfortable picking up some meat at the store, or the farm, next time you’re out and cooking it up, while not eating it yourself. Ask what they might like to try and chat about that;
Maybe you’re not comfortable buying and/or cooking it, but you’re comfortable with someone else doing it. Maybe your spouse? Maybe your child is old enough to do it? If the smell would bother you, you could go out for a couple hours;
If that would bother you, maybe you arrange for your child to visit family or friends for a meat-based meal. Or ask someone takes them to a restaurant to try it.

There are many ways to respect your principles while still supporting your child’s wish to explore.

And if, in the end, you choose to place your principles above your child’s exploration and learning, do so mindfully—understand the potential ramifications. From your child’s perspective, there’s a good chance they will, at some point, be drawn to exploring the topic. In fact, by drawing a line in the sand, chances are your child will probably be pretty curious about what’s on the other side. But with your firm stance, they’ll also know they need to do it under your radar. If that happens, you obviously won’t be there to talk with them, nor will they likely feel comfortable coming to you to talk about it after. That may or may not be a biggie. They may or may not resent the fact that you have forbidden a piece of the world. It may put a strain your relationship. They may trust you a bit less. Make the choice mindfully.

And if you choose that path, I’d suggest you try not to react judgmentally if you discover they have been exploring “behind your back”. Remember, your choice set up that paradigm. “You had burgers over at Tom’s house? Did you like them? What did you put on it?” Even if you couldn’t in good conscience have arranged the meal over at Tom’s place, it will do nothing but hurt your relationship to condemn your child for trying the meat (or the cookie, or the TV show) when they were curious and had the opportunity.

And heads up, you might also find yourself in the reverse situation—I know I have! As your children get older, they may hold, or choose to explore, strong beliefs that you don’t personally hold. Maybe they choose to eat vegetarian, or vegan, or want to try out a religion. Do you still support them? I hope so! Is your support lukewarm? I hope not! The world is full of fascinating opportunities and supporting their exploration and learning is golden. You may find that you and your children don’t hold all the same beliefs and principles, but you do share the passion and self-awareness that drives them. Celebrate that.

Being their partner as they discover the person they want to be: priceless.