Pam Laricchia's Blog, page 50

Think, Think, Think …

Learning is at the heart of unschooling—learning and living are beautifully intertwined. As human beings we want to make sense of our world; it’s uncomfortable when we don’t understand what’s happening around us. That learning process, as we all strive to build our picture of the world and how it works, has two basic parts. Last time I talked about discovering how our children prefer to gather information. Now let’s look at the second part of the learning process: how they process that information and connect it to what they already know.

Going back for a moment to the conventional breakdown of learning styles, beyond the basic three I mentioned in my previous post, there is an expanded seven: visual-spatial; auditory; kinesthetic; verbal/linguistic; logical/mathematical; social/interpersonal; solitary/intrapersonal. You’ll note that the first three are the same. In my mind, they focus on the first step of the learning process, gathering information. The additional four focus on the second step, processing information.

Processing information—thinking—is all about taking information that we’ve gathered and integrating it into our existing understanding of the world, building that bigger picture. And just as there are many ways to gather information, there are also many ways we might choose to process that information.

I personally favour internal, or intrapersonal (within one’s self) processing. I take in information and typically prefer to think it through on my own, having conclusions close at hand before I choose talk with others about the topic. My husband, on the other hand, is more of a verbal, or external processor. He starts talking about a topic from the get go, often sharing thoughts as they occur to him.

It can be challenging when your styles differ. It took me some time to realize that in our conversations my husband was not sharing considered conclusions but rather his interim thoughts and what ifs as he processed out loud. It can be hard for internal ponderers to give external speculators the space to process their thoughts out loud without feeling like they are being provoked into an argument. But it is so helpful to understand what’s going on, to shift to being a sounding board, letting the conversations unfold without trying to direct the other person’s thoughts. That’s important because real understanding, and learning, happens when they make the connections, not when they’re being told what the answer is. And vice versa: if you’re a verbal processor it can be challenging to be patient through the quiet times, not really knowing what the other person is thinking until they are ready to share.

As unschooling parents it’s important that we understand and support both styles and the range in-between. For example, one of my children shows a preference for verbal processing, so when they express a wish for something I often help them dig into it, asking questions, helping them explore their motivation and nail down what they’re looking for. More learning.

Another of my children is a strong internal processor, so when they express a wish for something, my response is more often “Sure!” I know they’ve already done a lot of thinking before sharing this choice so let’s get going and see how it plays out. More learning.

Another thinks best when moving. Long walks in the forest, or tracing a room-to-room track in the house, the repetitive motion helps organize their thoughts and sink deeply into reflection: to think.

Just remember, our styles aren’t carved in stone. Maybe after a short conversation you realize your typically verbal/social processing child is already quite certain about the path forward they’d like to take—join them and move forward, or your continued questions may begin to feel like an interrogation. Or maybe as you quickly start down the path your typically internal/solitary processing child suggested, they start to question it—step back and join them in conversation if they’re interested, or give them more time to reconsider. Either way they are learning more about themselves.

It’s fun to notice how these dynamics play out in groups where people are learning, online or in person, like unschooling groups or writing groups. You probably won’t even notice the internal processors at first, until they’re feeling ready to speak up, while the external processors are busily asking question after question, gathering and processing information in plain sight. Again, no one method is better than another, except to an individual.

Another interesting observation I’ve made over the years about the learning process is that unschooling children find that learning sweet spot of being “in the flow” more often than their conventionally schooled counterparts. You know that feeling, yes? When you’re so into the task at hand that time seems to stand still? Where you don’t second guess yourself; in fact, you don’t analyze yourself at all—you just do. Unschooling children are free to follow their curiosity, to immerse themselves in their interests, so it’s understandable that they are more often engaged in these beautiful moments of flow. There is so much learning found there, both about the world, and about themselves.

By giving your children the space to play with how they process the information they gather, by being a responsive partner in the dance of questions and conversations and silences as they piece together their unique picture of the world and how it works, you are helping them explore and discover how they like to learn. And with that deep understanding of themselves, they will be better able to choose and create environments for living and learning and working that are a good fit for them, throughout their lifetime.

Unschooling rocks!

 

How Does Your Child Like To Learn?

Conventionally, there is a separation between academic skills, taught by schools, and life skills, taught by parents. Yet more and more parents are feeling a time crunch and are encouraging schools to take responsibility for teaching their children life skills beyond academics, like health, character, and sex education.

As unschooling parents, we choose to retain the responsibility for all our children’s learning, academic and life skills: unschooling encompasses the whole range of learning that goes into being a person, a human being.

Being (noun): existence, journey, living, life, presence, vitality, essence, self, soul, spirit, substance

How does unschooling support all that? If fitting into the school system isn’t your child’s “job”, if living is the focus, what does the business of being human look like day-to-day?

Certainly being human looks different for everyone because each of us is a unique combination of cells—we have our own personalities, our own emotional landscape, our own physiology, our own ways of learning. And then there’s how we relate to our environment: our community, our family. We each have our own ways of connecting and interacting. The beauty of unschooling is that we recognize that uniqueness, we celebrate it. We support our children as they explore their unique makeup and how they fit into the world, learning all the while.

That’s another idea fundamental to unschooling: humans are born to learn. We want to make sense of the world around us.

Instead of seeing childhood for learning and adulthood for living, unschoolers see learning as an integral part of living regardless of your age. Unschoolers go about their day open to the world around them. They are curious. They notice things. They seek things out. They actively gather information about the world around them. That is the mindset that unschooling parents cultivate. When we open up the idea of learning beyond the teacher-student/classroom paradigm, we discover many different ways that our children go about learning.

Conventionally, these varying ways are grouped into three basic learning styles: visual; auditory; kinesthetic. Schools try to accommodate them, though the classroom environment definitely favours auditory learners. Unschooling has the freedom to genuinely support any and all ways of learning. As an unschooling parent you don’t need to be an expert in the current academic model being used to describe learning theory. Instead, you have your children in front of you. Watch them.

That’s the key. How do they like to learn? When you’re new to unschooling, this is a great thing to focus on. Think of this deschooling time as a season of Saturdays and, as you’re spending time with your children, notice how they gather information from the world around them. Challenge yourself to be open to whatever you see. Don’t try to filter your observations through learning style labels: drop any preconceived notions of what learning “should” look like, and discover what it does look like, for your children.

For example, we probably know how we like to learn, but there’s a good chance our children have a different style. The first part of the learning process is gathering information. Maybe we love to read about our interests, and they love to be hands-on, playing around. Or to listen to others as they talk about a topic or idea.

Think about a story and the ways it can be conveyed to an audience: through a book, words on a page to be read; through a storyteller, to be listened to, maybe with eyes closed; or through a play or movie, acted out physically. All are wonderful ways to connect an audience with a story. If we personally favour one way over another, that’s cool! But that doesn’t mean the other styles of story-telling aren’t just as valuable to others. If we look at our children’s lives through our filter of what learning looks like for us, we can easily miss seeing the learning our children are doing in their own ways. And if we don’t recognize our children’s day-to-day learning, it can be hard to build trust in unschooling.

Yet once we discover the ways they like to gather information, we are much more able to connect them to the world as they prefer to experience it. Whether it’s books and websites, museums and hands-on workshops, movies and plays, podcasts and audiobooks, they are all wonderful ways to explore the world, none better than any other, except to an individual. Each of your children will have their preferences, those experiences they get the most out of i.e. the ones they more strongly connect with and hence learn from the most. That is their style.

There’s also a good chance you’ll discover that your children’s learning styles aren’t as cut-and-dried as the labels imply. Human beings are more complex than that. In fact, it’s likely that your child will enjoy more than one way of gathering information and experiencing the world. And you may see their preferred style change over time. It’s the individual that matters, not fitting into a label.

By bringing information about the world to your children through various mediums you are helping them explore and discover which ways of gathering information work better for them. You’re helping them learn how they like to learn. Not as a student or child, but as a person. A human being. Priceless.

 

“Video Games Are Making Children Violent”

The public outcry against violence in the media isn’t new. It started with violence in movies and TV, and in the last twenty-odd years has grown to include video games. Yet not everyone is swayed. There is quite a bit of controversy surrounding studies linking video game playing and violence, from how aggression is measured to how the results are interpreted. And in my own family’s experience, and from the video game experiences I’ve seen shared over the last decade by countless other unschooling families, aggressive behaviour and/or acts of violence are not a foregone result of playing lots of video games.

So why the supposed correlation?

Because the majority of children now play video games, chances are an aggressive child plays them. If an issue arises with any child, it’s very likely that they’ve played video games, so when you look at their activities you’ll find them.

But let’s take that a step further.

If we assume it’s true that violent video game playing causes increased aggression and violence, since the majority of children are now playing violent video games, shouldn’t the amount of violence committed by children be rising? That’s the cause and effect relationship being put forth. But it’s not.

In fact, according to the CDC, the US youth homicide rates have dropped by about 50% since 1994, as have youth violent crime arrests since 1995. Youth non-fatal assault injury rates have also dropped since 2001, though not as dramatically. Any way you slice it, over the last decade and change, youth violence has dropped against a backdrop of a dramatic rise in youth playing violent video games.

Yay? Absolutely, but that’s not really the point, is it?

As unschooling parents, the stats are nice to know as part of the bigger picture, but they don’t define the children in front of you: they are what’s important. However your children are choosing to spend their time, what really matters is their lives. Pay attention. What does their world look like to them?

When you see their activities through their eyes, you will know why they are making the choices they do. For example, my eldest has always played a lot of video games. By spending time with him, by chatting with him often, I knew what he was getting out of the experience. And it wasn’t a desensitized and violent outlook on life. For him, it was immersion in stories. What is it for your gaming child?

Not sure? Let’s talk about a few ways you can support your child’s interest in video games. Ways you can discover the person your child is, not who the statistics or society’s fears say he or she will become.

As in all things parenting, it’s about connecting with your children. And staying connected.

What are some ways you can connect through video games?

Watch them play

This is a wonderful way to connect! What’s the game about? What are they trying to do? Watch their minds in action as they solve puzzles, strategize battles, read maps, and use game currency. Cheer with them as they complete levels, commiserate with them as they try things again and again. Don’t belittle the games or their efforts. Don’t watch with an eye to moving them to another activity. Be there with them. See what they see. Revel in their joy.

Help them

Next step—help them! Now that you have an idea of what the game is about, what are they finding challenging? Look up a guide or three online. Can’t figure out how to beat that boss? Do a bit of research and share with your child strategies that other people have used. Did you see a heart piece in the corner of the screen? Point it out. Help them accomplish what they’re trying to do.

Play yourself

Now that you’ve seen the fun of playing, and you’ve gotten familiar with some of the game’s layout and strategies, try it! Your child will probably love helping you out. It’s not as easy as it looks, is it? You’ll probably been even more impressed with your child’s skills. I know I was. Maybe you’ll have found a wonderful activity to share with your children—I know quite a few unschooling parents who’ve thoroughly enjoyed World of Warcraft and Final Fantasy and Minecraft with their kids! Personally, my speed is more along the lines of Phoenix Wright, Animal Crossing, and Mario Party. Just this morning my eldest made a point to tell me that the newest Phoenix Wright game is out now. Care, consideration, and connection.

If you don’t enjoy playing, that’s okay too. You can still enjoy spending time with them, enjoy being able to understand enough to participate in conversations. You can still connect with them over video games in other ways.

Bring interesting and related things to them

So where do things stand now? Chances are, you’re beginning to understand what they’re talking about when they share their latest accomplishment and you can celebrate with them! You see how much they’re learning as they play. And you understand why they enjoy playing. The shining joy in their eyes makes your eyes light up too.

I bet now you’ll start to notice connections to the games they’re playing as you go about your day, interesting and related things that you can bring to your children that they will enjoy and that will connect and expand their worlds: that Minecraft t-shirt you brought home last week and they’ve worn most days since; that online article detailing Animal Crossing holidays; the wiki you found about the roots of the made-up language used in their favourite game; a surprise subscription to a gaming magazine; a CD of their favourite game music; an online database of Pokemon stats; the forum you discover where they read voraciously for a while and eventually start posting.

No matter the topic—video games, TV, hockey, dinosaurs—when you build strong and connected relationships with your children, you are showing through your actions that you care about and support them. They will feel more comfortable coming to you for help when they are feeling frustrated or angry. You will notice when things get challenging, and be comfortable approaching them to share your observations, your experience, and your love and support.

I think much of society’s challenges with youth behaviour stems from a deep disconnect between parents and their children.

Unschooling parents are choosing to do things differently.

 

“You Have to Limit Screen Time”

Before we dive in, let’s take a moment to look at the phrase “screen time.” It lumps together devices that involve a visual interface: TVs, video games, computers, cell phones, e-readers, tablets etc. Yet we use them to do so many diverse things, from entertainment to communication to learning, that to lump them altogether as “screens” seems thoughtless and demeaning.

If we want to categorize them, I think “technology” would work better. Technology is fast becoming ubiquitous in our lives, yet it’s still all so new. I’ve seen the advent of all these personal devices in my lifetime (okay, not black and white TV, that was a bit before my time, but I remember our first colour television set). That’s a lot of change in a handful of decades.

“Zoning out”

As the longest lived in the group. let’s talk about TV. You’ve probably heard parents worriedly discuss how their children “zone out” when they watch TV. And they aren’t wrong—it’s probably what they see happening in front of them. Yet, that behaviour is not what I, nor other unschoolers, typically see when our children watch TV. Why the discrepancy? I imagine that it’s because this “zoning out” behaviour isn’t caused by watching TV, but is the result of other things in their lives that lead them to use TV as a tool to de-stress.

It’s hard for conventional parents to imagine that the TV experience might be so different for unschooling families just because our lifestyles are different. Yet unschooling parents are explicitly working to set up a home and learning environment with minimal stress. As a result, unschooling children aren’t usually watching TV to escape or relax, they are most often watching with purpose. They are actively engaged—they don’t look like “zombies”.

One of the reasons for that is that unschooling children choose when and what they watch. They aren’t watching because they’re allowed an hour between five and six pm so by golly they’ll use that hour to watch whatever they can find. They are watching because there is something they want to watch. Maybe they’re paying rapt attention. Maybe they are asking questions. Maybe they are pausing and looking things up. Their parents are often with them—answering questions, laughing at the jokes, sharing observations, and looking things up themselves. That doesn’t mean unschooling children never watch TV to relax, to process experiences in a comforting environment—that’s wonderfully okay too. But those experiences are transitory, not the norm.

Learning About Themselves

I think what this notion of limiting screen time really boils down to is parents wanting to help their children figure out how to weave into their lives the multitude of choices we have available today for how we use our time.

And that’s a wonderful idea—understanding ourselves and our activity choices is a key piece of life’s puzzle. But to try to accomplish that through rules and limits isn’t really about helping them learn about themselves; it’s about expecting them to adhere to someone else’s ideal of who they should be.

Unschooling parents are choosing to support their children as they learn about themselves. And as part of that, unschooling parents realize that the frequency, duration, and variety of activities that feels good for each of us, is unique to each of us. So without rules to fall back on, how do unschooling parents help their children discover what that might look like for them? By supporting their exploration.

Those experiences will include lots of times when their children choose and enjoy activities, and then move on. They will also include times when their children notice they’re feeling uncomfortable, and from there, times when they choose to stay uncomfortable and keep going with the activity, and times when they choose to shift to something else.

Unschooling parents notice these moments and help their children process and learn from those experiences—we don’t leave them to figure it all out on their own. How did it feel? What was the goal? What was the cost? When did you notice things were getting out-of-sorts?

Balance as Steadiness

I don’t really like to call this process finding balance because most people tend to focus on the definition of “equal distribution; state of equilibrium”, rather than the one of “mental steadiness or emotional stability.” It’s that focus on the equal distribution of activities that leads to timing things and creating limits: “You’ve watched TV for an hour, now go outside and play.” Balance isn’t necessarily about equality.

I think it’s more useful to focus on the idea of steadiness and stability—the activities themselves don’t matter much, it’s their impact on the person doing them. This perspective helps us focus on our children’s understanding of themselves, on their exploration of the kinds of activities, and how much of them, they enjoy and that contribute to their feeling steady and whole and comfortable.

Through experience, they learn how their activity choices depend on both the situation at hand and how they’re feeling in the moment. They discover the clues their body and mind are giving them that signal that a change of activity would be welcome. When we limit things for others, they get little opportunity to hear those signals.

How We Can Help

The really interesting thing is that parents are also figuring out how to weave technology into their lives alongside their children—it’s new to us too! Here’s a tip: don’t berate yourself if, in hindsight, you wish you had made a different choice—shame and guilt aren’t great motivators for anyone, so they don’t make great examples for your children.

Instead, share observations: “Wow, I just noticed the time, I ended up on the computer longer than I planned.” Share what you observe in yourself. How that might differ from your goals. The ways you try to bring your goals and your activities into alignment. How your goals may shift as you gain experience.

None of this sharing needs to be done in long, protracted conversations, though sometimes that might happen too. Maybe they’ll ask a question. Maybe they’ll share an idea for you. Maybe they’ll share their experiences. When they are interested, engage in discussions with them about it all.

Another thing to consider is making other activities available and inviting. If your children are getting tired of their current activity, electronic or otherwise, but don’t see other choices, they may stay where they are, getting increasingly uncomfortable, both physically and emotionally. If you notice this might be the case, again, share your observations. Short and sweet and matter-of-factly. Not judgmentally. Offer up a board game, a walk around the block, a fresh batch of play-doh, a trip to the park. But don’t be upset if they say “no thanks.” Remember, you don’t know for sure what they’re thinking, what they’re exploring. What you want to do is help them see the other choices available, so they remember they’re making a choice.

Though it’s more time-consuming than setting up rules, helping our children get to know themselves to this depth is an important aspect of unschooling. Support them as they explore the ways that activities impact their physical and emotional well-being, in both positive and negative ways. Encourage them as they gain experience with making choices, discovering the clues that guide them in making choices that help them feel steady and whole and comfortable.

Unschooling is about supporting all the learning that goes into being human.

 

“If You’re Bored, I’ll Give You Something To Do”

I imagine most of us heard some version of this growing up. It was a kind of threat—that “something to do” was something your parent was sure you wouldn’t want to do, a household chore like tidying up your room or cleaning the bathroom or taking out the garbage. The underlying message was received loud and clear: keep yourself busy.

Even now, when a parent sees a child “just” hanging around they’ll often comment, “Nothing to do? I’ll find you something.” The child likely replies, “No, I’m busy,” and goes to their room to find something to do, or to at least appear to be busy (out of sight, out of mind), whatever they were thinking about chased out of their head.

Why is busyness prized?

Our society prizes productivity—something to show for the time we spend awake, no matter our age. Parents have work; children have school. On top of that, parents want their children to succeed in life, and typically success to parents means college. Getting into college means good grades at school and lots of extracurricular activities, to show you are “well-rounded.” Not to mention, parents look uncaring to their friends if they don’t get their kids involved in extra-curricular activities.

Being busy is a badge of honour in our society: if you’re not busy, you’re lazy. Parents share their schedules, trying to one-up each other: “Between hockey practice and games for Bill, and dance classes and girl guides for Robin, the only night we’re home is Sunday. Which we spend helping them with their homework and getting organized for the next week.” To which the reply may well be, “Nice! I wish we had Sunday off!”

This highly scheduled life is what most children live so it probably shouldn’t have been so surprising to me that, as young a teen, the typical response my daughter received when acquaintances found out she didn’t go to school was, “You don’t go to school? What do you do all day? Aren’t you bored?” They were so used to being told what to do they had a hard time imagining anything else.

Have an interest? Take lessons!

Another contributor to the world of busyness is that many parents see organized lessons as the only way to pursue an interest. Their child loves video games? Programming camp! Dances around the house? Dance lessons. Loves to sing along with the radio? Singing lessons. Enjoys kicking the ball around? Soccer league. And so it goes. If a child expresses any interest in something, parents immediately jump to lessons.

Dancing around the house and singing to the radio don’t count as a productive use of time. There’s no teacher around, so what could they be learning? Yet unschooling parents understand that their children are learning a lot through their own exploration. In fact, the learning found by following their own unique path of connections through a topic is often stronger than the learning found by following a generic curriculum path.

So though organized lessons and sports leagues give parents “proof” that their children are learning and busy, they also have a couple of downsides. When a child’s keen interest in something is turned over to formal lessons and competition, the child loses control over the activity. Their excitement may quickly fade as their interest is co-opted by the mundane routine of organization—practices on Wednesday and games on Saturday; work on this piece of music this week. The joy of play is replaced by resistance to practice.

Another downside is that all these organized extra-curricular activities have left children little time for free play. Okay, a lot of parents might call that an upside: “they are safe, being watched over by an adult”; “it keeps them out of trouble.” But there is an incredible amount of learning to be found in free play. Peter Gray is a strong advocate of play which, in his book Free to Learn, he defines as “nature’s way of teaching children how to solve their own problems, control their impulses, modulate their emotions, see from others’ perspectives, negotiate differences, and get along with others as equals.” Unschoolers see that definition in action every day. (I wrote a review of Peter’s book in this issue of my newsletter, if you’d like to read more.)

That’s not to say organized activities are “bad.” I don’t think they’re very useful for a child when the main goal is to be busy, but they can be a wonderful experience when it’s the child’s choice. Choice is key. If they want to participate, if they are enjoying themselves, that’s great! If they want to quit, that’s okay too. Talk with them. Help them explore not only their interests, but also how those interests fit into their lives. Happily, unschooling families don’t have the time commitments of a school schedule, so they have a lot more time to play around with.

Time to think.

So if the goal is busy, then “not busy” is the adversary. Yet “not busy” is really the only time we get to think, to process, to contemplate. The challenge is that we have nothing to show others for the time investment, no proof of accomplishment. And besides, society imagines, what does a child really have to think about?

A lot.

Newer unschooling parents often do a lot of soul-searching work to be comfortable living without conventional proof of their children’s “accomplishments” to share, and as part of that journey they gain a lot of respect for the process of thinking—for the time that it takes and the space that it needs. Contemplation and introspection are an integral part of the learning process, even though they can’t be measured or tested. It’s how the bigger picture of life comes together. It’s in those times that connections are found between seemingly disparate bits of life, illuminating them both a bit more. It’s how people, children and adults alike, figure out who they are, and who they want to be.

Yet time to think doesn’t necessarily mean sitting still in silence. In my family it’s looked like many afternoons spent on the swing in our yard, or wandering through the forest. It’s looked like the soothing and repetitive nature of a video game, building experience encounter by encounter by encounter, or a marathon of a well-loved TV show. Sometimes it leads to conversations as they share their questions or their insights. Sometimes not. Sometimes its preciously theirs and theirs alone. And that’s okay, it doesn’t need to be measured.

Life needn’t always be about the doing.

The time to think and to wonder and to be is a valuable piece to the puzzle of a life well-lived, at every age.

 

“Learn to Say No Or You’ll Spoil Your Child”

“to impair, damage, or harm the character or nature of (someone) by unwise treatment, excessive indulgence, etc.: to spoil a child by pampering him.” ~ dictionary.com

A “spoiled” child is one that exhibits behaviour problems as a result of overindulgence by his or her parents. And in the mainstream world of parenting, it’s a strong condemnation. The challenge for unschooling parents is that when people first hear about the kind of parenting that goes hand-in-hand with unschooling—responding quickly to their children’s needs, paying attention to them, conversing with them, saying yes more often etc—their first thought is often “but that kind of parenting will spoil a child.”

Is that true? Will unschooling spoil a child?

What does a “spoiled” child look like?

Being “spoiled” is a derogatory label that describes a generalized judgment. Typical descriptions of the constellation of behaviours that lead people to label a child “spoiled” include: is rude, throws tantrums when they don’t get their way, refuses to share, acts bossy, ignores parents/adults questions and instructions, refuses to go to bed.

Basically, these children have come to expect to get their way most, if not all, of the time. They feel entitled to get their way. And to ensure they get their way, they have learned how to manipulate others through these kinds of negative behaviours.

Why doesn’t an unschooling child “spoil”?

Sometimes the actions of unschooling parents may appear to be very similar to the conventional dynamic of children being “spoiled” by their parents, but the motivations behind them are different.

These negative behaviours develop when parents do so much for their children, so often, that the children learn to expect these things to be done for them.

Unschooling parents do a lot to support their children, but do so with an eye to helping their children do things for themselves.

This changes the perspective of all the conversations unschooling parents have with their children and creates a completely different parent-child relationship. Unschooling children are learning very different things from their parents’ actions.

Here are some examples of parenting actions, the conventional and unschooling motivations behind those actions, and what the children likely learn as a result:

Parenting Behaviour
Conventional Motivation
Unschooling Motivation


- give their children material things
- rewards to motivate/control their children’s behaviour

(children learn to expect to receive things regularly)
- to help their children get the things they are interested in

(children learn their interests are valued)


- do things their children want
- to avoid confrontation; want their children to like them

(children learn to expect to get their way)
- to listen to their children’s input; are open to changing their minds

(children learn their thoughts and feelings are valued)


- don’t punish negative behaviours
- too busy to follow through; want their children to like them

(children learn their tools of manipulation work)
- to talk with their children to understand the reasons behind the behaviours

(children learn to understand themselves and explore other ways to meet their needs)


- respond to their children’s distress
- to get them to be quiet and move on

(children learn yelling/crying is a good tool to quickly get what they want)
- to help their children move through the distressing situation

(children learn they have their parents’ support and help)

Because the parent’s motivations behind these actions are so different, the conversations that ensue between the parent and child are also very different, and hence what the child learns from the experience is very different.

A different approach to developing responsibility.

Unschooling parents also dedicate their time to helping their children take as much responsibility as they want.

What does that look like in real life? Let’s imagine a five year-old who wants to make cookies.

In an unschooling home, chances are the parent will act in support of their child: they’ll read through the recipe with them; they’ll pay attention to whether the child is interested in gathering all the tools and ingredients, patiently pointing out where all the stuff is located if that’s the case, and if not, quickly gathering the supplies on the counter; they’ll show the child which buttons to press or dials to turn on the stove to set the temperature and turn it on; they’ll sit back as the child measures out ingredients—answering questions, maybe chatting about what the different ingredients do; they’ll watch, again patiently, as the child stirs the ingredients together, giggling with them as the loose flour makes a cloud, and taking over the mixing for a bit if the child gets tired and wants some help; when putting the dough on the cookie sheets, if their child wants to try making a really big cookie alongside the more regular-sized ones, they’ll likely say “what a fun idea!” and help them figure out the best way to bake it; and as the cookies bake, parent and child may have fun playing with bubbles in the sink as they wash the dishes used. In other words, the unschooling parent follows their child’s lead throughout the process to see how much or how little they’d like their parent to be hands-on in the process. The goal isn’t the cookies—it’s the child’s exploration and learning. Not only of the task at hand, but of thinking things through in general, of actions and outcomes.

In a conventional home, chances are things will go quite differently. The parent will probably direct the child’s actions more, with the goal being to teach the child how to correctly make cookies. There’s a recipe to follow so there’s no room for exploration—getting it right is the key goal. The parent will probably turn on the oven, “you’re too young to touch the stove.” They’ll also likely gather all the supplies and ingredients, “we don’t have all day.” And they’ll be constantly and closely monitoring the process, judging it, directing it, even taking over at times: “here’s how you make sure the measuring spoon is full”; “don’t stir too fast, you’ll make a mess”; “make sure the cookies are all the same size.”

In both families, those dynamics play out over the years in many diverse situations, with unschooling parents focused on helping their child learn how to evaluate situations and make choices and take as much responsibility as they are interested in, and with conventional parents more focused on doing things quickly and “right” and getting their children to do what they’re told in pursuit of those goals. But by constantly doing things for their children, over their children’s wishes, their children come to learn that they aren’t capable, that others should be doing things for them. That they are entitled to have things done for them. Not to mention, how many people would choose to step up and do things knowing their performance will be judged critically?

What to do?

When we place adult-sized expectations (of both speed and skill) on our children’s actions, we miss discovering how much children really want to participate in life, to do things they see the adults around them doing, to the very best of their ability.

Given a family environment where parents consistently step in and do things because they can do them faster (they have busy lives) and/or “better” (meaning to their own adult standards), where parents use material objects as rewards (and take them away as punishment) to try to control their children’s behaviour, and do whatever they can to avoid confrontation and distress, it’s unsurprising that the children’s wish to actively participate in life is extinguished and these kinds of “spoiled” negative behaviours develop.

The conventional answer to this issue is to counsel parents to stand their ground—to not allow themselves to be manipulated by their children. And the power struggles go round and round.

But if that’s not the relationship you want to develop with your children, instead of putting up a wall of defense against their pleas, spend even more time with them. Get to know them better, to understand them better. As you unwrap the mystery of each of your children, their challenging behaviour in various situations will no longer seem inexplicable or manipulative—it will begin to make sense and you’ll be able to help them explore other ways to move through those situations.

Instead of closing down and throwing demands and expectations at their children, unschooling parents choose to open up and have conversations with their children.

Unschooling, done well, will not spoil a child.

***

If you’d like to read more about unschooling and parenting, you can check out the blog posts I wrote for the monthly topic Parenting to Support Unschooling. There you’ll find posts about power struggles, considering everyone’s needs, developing character, and communication instead of discipline.

 

The World of Siblings and Unschooling

I received multiple questions about supporting siblings with differing needs and interests and sibling relationships, so I thought I’d address them together. A couple of them also have extenuating circumstances—I’ll talk about those bits up front.

My question is what are some tips for supporting and growing a Family of Individuals (which I LOVE the idea of) when you have 4 kids that are so close in age and are all very strong willed (none of them really “go with the flow” – which is good and I admire it – since that is how I am – and I love that they challenge things and all want their own way! I just can’t figure out how to make it work within our family??).

*****

Would love to see the topic of siblings/meeting different needs discussed.

*****

How as a mum of 6 children from ages of 8 months to 9 years do I spend time engaged with each of my children’s passions? All of their interests are different, I have been feeling guilty lately that I am not fully engaging with any of my children and how do I be right there for them and have a clean house??? Sometimes our home is so messy and I feel very unorganised and overwhelmed and then I get frustrated and angry and revert back to old ways of being which means I’m just yelling again. Any feedback would be most appreciated.

The clean house issue is wrapped up in this one. It’s pretty clear that mom’s feeling a sharp either/or distinction: being with and supporting her children vs a clean house. One thing that might help break out of that dichotomy is to move away from the mindset that these are mutually exclusive activities.

If this is the case for you, try going about your day from that new perspective and see what comes up. Are there moments when you can, say, tidy up a bit while you’re chatting with a child or two? Or fold laundry on the bed with a young one or two, covering them in warm towels? I have quite a few pictures of my kids when they were little wrapped up in laundry, or using the laundry basket as a boat. Or a hat. LOL! How about emptying the dishwasher while they’re playing a game at the kitchen table? Look for ways things can be combined, instead of feeling like you’re doing one at the expense of the other. It’s amazing what a few minutes here and there can do.

It might also be helpful to read this post: Chores and an Unschooling Childhood. Not that the question mentions chores, but there’s some great discussion in the post and the comments about the idea of “a clean house” and some ways to approach organization alongside your children.

*****

I’d love to hear more regarding your perspective on sibling rivalry, conflict etc. no matter how I’ve tried, it seems, my two older children fight terribly, about 50% of the time. It can be unbearable at times. I’ve been unschooling my son since January, still learning more each day. My daughter attends a Waldorf school-she does not want to be homeschooled.

Here there’s the overlay of one child attending school—that can definitely add extra strain to the sibling dynamics if they judge each other negatively for their differing choices. You’ll likely need to help them work through that tangle. For example, as moments of conversation arise, you might share the reasons behind their sibling’s choices, helping each better understand the other.

*****

Now let’s examine some ideas about supporting the interests and passions of multiple children and navigating sibling relationships. But first, let’s look at a couple of real life parameters to help give this discussion some perspective:

There are only twenty-four hours in a day. This means that the more children you have, the less time you have available to spend with them individually. That’s not to make anyone feel bad for having multiple children! The joy of a houseful of children can be immense. But I remember having three children ages five and under—it’s busy!! There are a lot of practical needs that need to be attended to. That’s just a reality you’ve chosen for a few years.
Choosing unschooling for your family doesn’t mean life will be “perfect”. Don’t expect that everyone will be happy all the time and that siblings will be the best of friends. We are all real people. We all have different personalities and needs and dreams, which may or may not mesh very well with those of the people we happen to live with. And just because we chose what we do in the moment, doesn’t mean things always flow smoothly—many things are out of our control.

All that said, unschooling is a wonderful environment in which to support our children and our family relationships, now and in the longer-term.

Supporting Everyone’s Interests and Needs

This can definitely be challenging, getting more and more complicated as more personalities are added to the mix. Maybe some want to go out places; others prefer to stay home. Maybe some love to run around at the playground; others prefer indoor attractions. Maybe none like the grocery store. Try something, see how it goes, talk about it, and work together to adjust the plan accordingly. Try again. Mix things up to see what happens. Think outside that box. Grocery shopping an incredible challenge every week? Look at online shopping and delivery—is it really as expensive as you think? Find out. The more facts you have to work with, the better. Keep trying.

How the members of the family interact isn’t something that has one “right answer”—it’s a process. And remember, things change over time: interests change, circumstances change, their independence grows etc. Even if things have been going pretty smoothly for a while, things will change. Play and tweak and try things out. Together. Always work with those involved.

One thing I found really helpful when the kids were younger and we were trying to figure out a plan for something, was to talk to each of them individually, giving each of them my focused attention. I’d find out why they did or did not want to do X. If they didn’t, I’d ask if they were amenable to X-Y, a modified version of X (that modification may be my idea, or one of their sibling’s). I’d ask for their ideas. Then chatting with the next child, I could quickly explain their sibling’s point-of-view (helping them learn about each other) and how they felt about it. Even if it took a number of chats (usually pretty short), over a few days, back and forth with each child, I’d get a clearer picture of what each of their needs and wishes were and most often we could find something that would work for everyone involved. Sometimes the plans got quite elaborate. We were all learning.

With this process, not only do the children feel heard and understood, but they also have time and space to think. Especially for quieter personalities, ones who may be uncomfortable when expected to speak up and think on the spot, group decision-making can be challenging. Ease into that when it seems appropriate. Sometimes, when I thought there would be general agreement, I would bring up the plans when we were altogether and we’d work through the details. More learning. Their abilities to analyze situations, consider everyone’s needs, and find workable paths forward grew steadily.

And remember, you don’t need to do it all on your own. Another pair of hands around the house might help—maybe a mother’s helper, maybe a neighbourhood teen who enjoys playing with kids. Maybe one child really enjoys spending a day with their grandparents every week or two. Maybe adding their friends to the mix, at home or out and about, helps make the dynamics more manageable for a few hours. Experiment. Play. When things go awry, it’s not the end of the world, try something else next time. Try to be light and nimble and considerate. Learn.

This process is about developing their trust in you.

The result is a strong, connected relationship with each of your children.

Sibling Relationships and Conflict

Do you have the expectation that your children should “get along”? If so, why? Because they live in the same house? Share the same genetic soup? That seems a stretch. On the other hand, everyone wants to feel safe in their own home. Even better, to feel understood and supported. Sometimes we can feel like as parents our foremost goal is to minimize conflict between our children (“please don’t fight with your brother”), but that’s more about treating the symptoms rather than the cause. Instead, think of these interactions as part of a journey in which we’re learning ways to live comfortably with the other members of our family. From that level of comfort, conflicts arise less and less. And when they do, those involved have helpful tools to move through them more smoothly.

Here are three ideas for parents that, in my experience, can help families take that journey together.

First, when conflicts arise, don’t insist that your children talk to each other to “work it out”—that conversation will be about meeting your needs, not theirs. Take your expectations out of the mix. Talk to each of them individually. See the situation from their perspective. If you don’t understand, keep trying. They have their perspective and their reasons. When you deeply understand and empathize with each child involved, you’ll likely be in a better position to help them find workable paths through their conflicts.

Second, shift away from the conventional power paradigm, where family relationships are seen in terms of a power dynamic—both adults versus children, and children amongst themselves. In that environment, actions are motivated by a need to gain power over others, to fight for or defend their position in the family hierarchy. You can start by moving away from the adults versus children model. Give your children choices. Instead of using your power to try to get them to do what you want them to do, support them as they explore the world. As the power struggles fade between parents and children, the children begin to see how powerful the family is when they actively support each other. Everyone feels safer because they have the power of their family behind them. They no longer need to feel powerful by frustrating their siblings—by exerting power over them. There is less and less driving need or reason to create conflict.

And third, look at how you measure “fair” between siblings. Conventionally, many families measure it based on quantity and equate “fair” with “equal”: the same number of gifts for holidays, the same number of outside activities etc. Over time, the kids hear the message loud and clear and start to view their lives through that same filter: “He had three cookies—I only got two!” Moving to unschooling helps us begin to see fairness not as a quantitative measure of what the parents give, but as a qualitative measure of the value each child receives. That’s a helpful shift because what each child needs from you is probably different. One may need more of your time, another more money for their outside interests, and another more of your direct participation in their activities. You may be giving each of your children very different things that take varying amounts of time and effort and money, but when their unique needs are being met, they each feel content, secure, and happy.

When you look at these ideas together, you see that what each conventional paradigm does is undermine the individual. Yet in my experience, when we support and celebrate each of our children as the unique individuals they are, we better foster a family atmosphere of joy, harmony, and safety from which minimal conflict grows.

I dug a lot more into these ideas in a talk I gave this summer, which you’re welcome to read on my website: A Family of Individuals. (I also plan to soon record an audio version for those who enjoy/prefer listening to reading—I’ll post when it’s available.)

 

How Do Unschooling Children Learn How to Act in Society?

Reader Question (paraphrased for length):

I recently interacted with a family who are following unschooling principles. The biggest concern I see is the lack of discipline; and that children are not taught manners necessary to act in socially-acceptable ways in others’ homes. How do unschooled children learn manners so they know how to act in society?

I read your books on unschooling, so I think I know what this mother is trying to accomplish. However, she seems to be adopting a “laissez-faire” approach—giving the children carte blanche to act and do whatever comes to mind, with no boundaries, and no guidance, and then using I-messages in an attempt to understand the frustrating situations the child finds himself in.

In your book “Free to Live”, you state “Patience doesn’t mean carte blanche”, and you give the example of a boy’s rude behavior in the playground. You state that parents new to unschooling might misunderstand the principles of unschooling, and believe they should give their children free rein to do whatever they please, whenever they feel like it.

I wish and hope you’d go on to explain how to avoid this pitfall.

*****

Let’s start here:

You state that parents new to unschooling might misunderstand

the principles of unschooling, and believe they should give their children

free rein to do whatever they please, whenever they feel like it.

I wish and hope you’d go on to explain how to avoid this pitfall.

When people first start learning about unschooling it does sometimes happen that, as they look to stop controlling their children, they overcompensate and swing too far in the opposite direction. In an effort to avoid imposing their will, the end up giving their children little feedback or support about the environments in which they find themselves. They are still seeing their relationships from the perspective of “power”, and in trying to give their children more power, they almost completely remove themselves from the equation of any given situation.

It’s important to note that this may just be a step in their journey, part of their exploration of what parenting looks like within the context of unschooling. As they continue to learn about unschooling and observe their children’s behaviour in various contexts, many discover that disconnect and begin to work more effectively with their children, more actively supporting them as they explore and interact with the world-at-large.

If you find a friend in that situation, what can you do to help? It depends on your relationship. Maybe you and she talk about parenting and you can share some suggestions directly about other ways to approach these social situations, ways she can support her children’s needs within the context of the situation. But if she isn’t open to that discussion, she may feel judged and react defensively, which not only isn’t a particularly good mindset for her learning, it may also jeopardize your friendship.

If that’s the case, show her other parenting possibilities by example. As you and your children interact while she’s around, conversationally share a sentence or two about why you did/said what you did in that moment. Or as things come up, share what you’ve done in similar circumstances. Make it about your parenting, not hers. Share bits and pieces of your experiences and let her make the connections. That is where real learning lies. And encourage her to continue learning about unschooling: more bits and pieces to connect to her growing understanding. All this will help her gain a better appreciation of ways to help both her and her children navigate social situations.

Just remember, you can’t control what she chooses to do with all this information. Your concern for her and her family is wonderful, and your suggestions, support and encouragement may be just what she needs and wants. Or not. Maybe her current parenting path is where she’ll choose to stay, at least for now. In the end, it’s her journey to take.

… and then using I-messages in an attempt to understand

the frustrating situations the child finds himself in.

I wanted to talk about this for a moment. I understand the idea behind using I-messages as a tool to help parents move away from using controlling language to manipulate their children’s behaviour. But sometimes I-messages, which encourage us to observe situations from our own perspective and then share that information, can get in the way of seeing things through our children’s eyes. We stop at our perspective.

In my experience, when I stop filtering things through my POV and shift to seeing things from my children’s perspective, I gain a much deeper appreciation of what they are trying to accomplish. And from that place of greater understanding, I can add in my understanding of the other people involved and of the world in general, and share the pieces of the bigger perspective that will help my children the most. Not just how I’m seeing the situation, but also validating how it looks to them, sharing how Grandma sees it, and how they all mesh together. Then I can share my ideas on how we might all get our needs met, and discussion can open up and flow from there.

How do unschooled children learn manners so they know how to act in society?

Unschooling parents actively help their children understand the ins and outs of social situations. It’s about understanding your children individually. Chat with them beforehand about what will be expected of them in the situation, and why. Are they comfortable with it? Can they handle it? Not do you think they should be able to do it, but are they capable? And are they willing? If they don’t understand or won’t likely remember what is expected in a social situation, and if they and/or the parents still want to go, then it will behoove the parents to stay close to their children and actively help them as things arise. And to actively advocate for them where they think some leeway is appropriate.

I’ll give you an example from when my kids were young and we’d visit my husband’s family for Sunday lunch. I’d do what I could to set it up for success. First, I’d chat with my hubby to understand the ins and outs of the expectations. Then I’d talk with my kids beforehand about them, in a conversational way, not in a “you need to do this” kind of way. Because when they weren’t able and/or willing, I’d always step up to help.

For example, on arrival, it was expected that they kids would seek out and say hi to the older relatives—grandparents etc. That’s a pretty socially polite thing to do. But when my kids were younger, understandably that wasn’t something that interested them. I’d mention it at home when we chatted about visiting, explaining the reason behind it: they were excited the grandkids had arrived and wanted a moment to greet them. But on any particular visit, if any of my children felt intimidated or out-of-sorts, I’d happily pick them up and do the talking—both protecting them, and satisfying extended family. They didn’t need to be actively participating to see these social practices playing out. They didn’t need to be “forced” to take part in them when they were uncomfortable to learn them. They took them over when they were ready—it was a pretty seamless process.

Some other ways I helped them navigate the ins and outs of the occasion? I’d bring toys, and play with them, to keep the kids engaged so they enjoyed the time. I’d keep an eye on the lunch prep and let the kids know when it was getting close and that we’d be going to sit at the table to eat. I’d dish up their plates and prep their food so it was easy for them to eat, minimizing frustration at the table. When they were done eating and leaving the table, I would excuse them, asking them if they were full and so on. That way the other adults would know they had my okay to leave (as well as having heard my reason: they were full). Then any frustration the other adults had would be directed at me, not the kids. I was the buffer. And exuding confidence and joy throughout the visit also went a long way.

As an unschooling parent I want to help my children explore the world, including any social situations they may find themselves in. Just remember, there are not a lot of things we truly “have to” do. But if we want to do them, it’s worth the effort to make them as enjoyable as possible without negatively impacting those around them—because, everything being equal, the children don’t want that either. To figure all that out, they need real information. And someone to bounce it all around with. It takes time and effort, but not only does it help them enjoy the moment, it’s how they gain experience analyzing situations and choosing ways to move through them that they feel good about.

And last, but not least, for those learning about unschooling who may find themselves veering more into hands-off parenting rather than active support, I thought I’d snapshot a couple of situations I’ve seen mentioned lately and share some ideas on how to approach them.

During social visits, children are offered candy and then leave a mess behind them.

Knowing my young children would enjoy the candy but that it’s often a messy affair, and that my hosts wouldn’t appreciate extra cleaning, I’d find a way for both things to happen. When the offer was made I might invite them outside, “Those look delicious! Why don’t we enjoy them outside so we don’t make a mess in the house?” The problem and the solution all in one short sentence. Notice I don’t send them outside, it’s not a punishment. I go with them.

If they aren’t interested in that, maybe I’d offer up a game to play at the kitchen table (like a dice game—something plastic that I could easily wash up when we were done, or a verbal game like twenty questions). Or to watch a short video, sitting on the floor, maybe putting down a plastic tablecloth and going picnic-style, to minimize the mess. At a minimum I’d stay with them and tidy up any pieces of candy that dropped, “Oops, let me put in the garbage so we don’t make a mess.” Again, short and sweet. I’d probably grab a bag to have with me, and it may well become a game, them putting what they’re done with in the bag.

There are many possibilities that would keep everyone happy.

A child is inconsolable when something doesn’t unfold as expected and

the parent works to recreate the situation to match what their child envisioned.

Often people who see this unfold are concerned it will teach the child that every situation should go as they want and that they aren’t learning how to deal with “real life.” The short answer is no, it won’t—unless that’s the motivation with which the mother is approaching it. Sometimes re-enacting a situation really does help a child get unstuck and move through it. I remember doing that with my children sometimes. It does not mean they’ll need to process things this way for the rest of their life. That’s more projection and fear talking.

Sometimes when reality doesn’t unfold the way the child is expecting, it’s profoundly disappointing. And sometimes a re-enactment can help them process it all. It may seem to an outsider that all that is happening is they “get their way,” but it can be a helpful part of the process of learning about themselves. Now they have two memories/experiences to call upon: one where things went the way they were expected, and one where they didn’t—a do-over doesn’t erase the initial experience.

One caveat: don’t expect others to participate. Absolutely some might be willing to help out, but in those moments I was the one trying to help my child explore ways to process the experience at hand; it wasn’t anyone else’s responsibility.

If you like to read more on this general topic of helping your children learn how to navigate social situations, you can check out this post, Unschooling Days: Outside in the World.

And don’t forget to have fun!

 

The Dance of Unschooling: Understanding and Supporting Our Children

Reader Question:

I would love to hear your take on unschooling in a co-operative circumstance. How much “getting out of the way” and how much instigating would you encourage? I know all kids and families are different but isn’t it just as much our responsibility to teach kids how to work together, respect each other and learn through organized activities?

*****

There are so many facets to this lovely question—I really enjoyed diving into it! To organize my answer a bit, I pulled out four ideas that it touches on and discussed them from an unschooling perspective. Let’s get started!

Idea 1 – how much “getting out of the way” versus “instigating”

First, let’s look at the question of “how much”. That little phrase is so interesting! And it’s so understandable to want to have some guidelines when we are first getting our feet wet with something as unconventional as unschooling. We love to measure things and see how well we’re doing. Yet unschooling really isn’t about external measures, like the number of occasions you steered clear of or instigated activities—it’s about your children’s needs. If you find yourself tempted to look to the clock to measure you involvement with your children by time, or to count questions answered or activities attended outside the home each week, catch yourself, breathe, and look to your children. Are they curious and engaged with life? In good spirits? That’s your measure.

As for the question of “getting out of the way” or “instigating”, your children will let you know how much they would like you to be involved. If they are immersed in an activity, not asking you questions or wanting your help, that’s probably a stay out of the way kind of moment. Yet “getting out of the way” doesn’t mean being uninvolved. When those moments happened, I did my own thing but I stayed nearby, careful to respond to questions or requests quickly so as to help them stay in the flow. I’d unobtrusively bring drinks or food when I thought they might be needed. I would support their intense engagement and learning by not interfering with it.

And then there were other times, moments when they seemed to be between activities, or looking for something new. In those moments I’d mention some things I’d come across recently that I thought they might enjoy until one caught their attention, or inspired another idea of their own. “I found this board game at the yard sale down the street. It looks like fun! Wanna play?” Or “The other day a friend linked to this new website with games I think you’d like. Here, I’ll show you.” Or “Shall we go to the library and look for pirate books?”

If after a few ideas nothing seemed to catch their attention, that was a clue that maybe they were looking for some down time to hang out and be for a while—they don’t always have to be doing. Maybe we’d watch a favourite movie, or do some baking together, or take a walk. I’d look for slower pace activities we could do together that would allow for conversations to blossom, or give them the space for internal processing to happen, whether or not they wanted to actually talk about it. Again, it’s about following their clues.

Idea 2 – looking at the concept of “instigating”

To me, those were (and are) instigating moments—opportunities for me to bring new things into their lives, or to create a comfortable and inviting space to slow down in a world that prizes busyness. I have the feeling though, that most people have a stronger characterization of “instigating”, so let’s dig in a bit deeper.

When it comes to instigating, I think it’s all about your motivation. My handy online thesaurus helps me make this point: the words encouraging and persuading are both synonyms for instigating. Yet the motivations behind encouragement and persuasion can be very different—it’s a subtle, but important, distinction. Important because our motivation influences our actions.

With unschooling in mind, I think of instigating or encouraging as bringing interesting things to their attention: “Cassy, there’s an exhibit of landscape paintings by local artists this month. I know how much you love painting trees—do you want to go on Thursday?” It’s about bringing something to their attention that you sincerely think they might enjoy. That’s an example of the influence you can have in the relationship once you’ve developed yourself as a trustworthy source of information. And in the realm of encouragement and influence, “no, thanks” is always a fine answer. The motivation here is to support Cassy’s interest in painting.

Persuasion isn’t quite so amenable to a connected relationship: “Cassy, there’s an exhibit of landscape paintings by local artists this month. You’ll learn how to paint trees better—you want to improve your painting, right? We’re free Thursday, we’ll go then.” Here there is definitely pressure on Cassy to go. In fact, there’s really no opening to say “no, thanks” without belittling her own interest in painting. The motivation here is to support the parent’s interest in teaching Cassy to paint. And further, if Cassy isn’t interested, when they do go, she’s not likely going to learn much. It’s more likely she’ll be complaining and/or watching the clock to see when she can leave.

Which way better supports Cassy’s real learning? And their relationship?

With unschooling, instigating isn’t about pressuring or coercing your children to do something with an end goal of your own in mind. It’s about bringing something to their attention that you think they might enjoy—their enjoyment is the goal. That’s because we know their learning is rampant when they’re pursuing what interests them.

Once you are adept at reading your children and understanding what they’re up to in the moment, they will give you pretty clear clues as to how involved they’d like you to be throughout the day. Just remember, with unschooling, “instigating” shouldn’t be veiled attempts at “teaching”. Which leads us nicely to the next idea.

Idea 3 – what is meant by “our responsibility to teach kids”

Going back to the idea that the words we use (even in our heads) are important because our thoughts influence our perspective and actions, pay special attention when using the word “teach”. When you catch it in your internal dialog, that’s a clue to dig deeper into those thoughts. To understand unschooling more deeply, it’s important to make the distinction between teaching and learning—they are two completely different acts. We’re interested in our children’s learning.

When we look for our children’s learning in their every day activities, we begin to see the all learning that happens as they go about their day, without any teaching. And it’s real learning, learning that makes sense and is remembered, precisely because it came up naturally. It’s just part of the puzzle of the moment as they strive for their goal—whether that’s building a block tower or playing a board game or reading a video game guide or reorganizing their bedroom.

The other interesting phrase is “our responsibility.” It’s worth taking some time to think about that idea too. Our responsibility to whom? To society? I remember these conversations with myself as I was learning about unschooling! Certainly most parents choosing an unschooling lifestyle for their family aren’t approaching it as an excuse to shirk “our responsibility to raise decent human beings,” though when people first learn about the kinds of things unschoolers do (or don’t do) sometimes it can appear that way—until they understand the principles behind it. As I thought more about this, I realized that I had even higher goals for my parenting than society in general did, which led to the realization that if I focused on the responsibility I felt to my children, in the end I’d more than meet any responsibility I felt to society, and that phrase soon withered out of my vocabulary.

Idea 4 – “work together, respect each other and learn through organized activities”

And finally, let’s take a moment to look at these goals. They sound pretty reasonable, don’t they? Things that many adults do? Yet is teaching really the way to go? Following from idea 3, let’s look at these from the perspective of learning.

How might our children learn these kinds of skills? Through experience. And that’s real learning, learning that makes sense to them because it’s playing out right in front of them, not them being told how to behave beforehand and then trying to remember that in the moment.

Using the “teach kids how to work together” example, they’ll be noticing the other kids’ goals and behaviours, their own feelings surrounding the situation, what their goals are and how they’d like to see things move forward. It’s at that time that information we share about ways to analyze and work through the situation will make sense and be helpful.

It’s a dance that you and your children will get better at as you get to know each other more deeply—they will be open to chat about the situation, to think about how their goals differ and how they are similar, to imagine ways they might all be met, to evaluate how important things are to them, and to think about ways they might choose to compromise. And then there’s the whole negotiating piece, working with the others involved to come up with a plan they are all willing to follow to accomplish the work together. They are gaining experience with skills that will be useful over their lifetime.

The next example given was about teaching kids respect for each other. Think of people you respect. I suspect that respect was not taught or learned—it was earned through behaviour and actions over time. The plea for siblings to “respect each other” seems to parallel appeals for them to “get along”. Earlier this year I wrote an entire talk on this topic alone. LOL! I’ll get that up online this month and will be sure to share the link. The point is, think about whether respect is really something you can teach.

The last example was about teaching kids to learn through organized activities. Again, that’s a reasonable question for people newer to unschooling. The conventional idea of learning through organized (meaning adult-run) activities is so ingrained in our society that it’s valued above so many other ways of learning. And sure, some kids will enjoy that format—if they are interested in the activity. My kids have certainly enjoyed some organized activities over the years, but it’s not the only way to learn. And it’s not a more important way over any other way. It’s dependent on the child. Again, look to your children.

The first thing to ask yourself is whether it’s an activity they are interested in. Sure, you might encourage your child to try something out because you’re pretty sure they will enjoy it once they go even though right now they are hesitant. But a well-connected relationship allows that to happen without the child feeling undue pressure and it takes time to get there. Watch your child.

Once their interest is established, then it’s a question of whether it’s an environment they enjoy. When we first checked out Michael’s dojo years ago, I mentioned there were other dojos around and if he didn’t enjoy the class, we could try others. Find the environment that works for your child, don’t try to mold your child to fit the environment.

It always comes back to watching and supporting the child, doesn’t it?

Yes.

This determined support for your child as they explore the world and how they tick blossoms into a strong and well-connected relationship, a deep level of mutual trust and respect, and an incredible amount of learning that no generalized curriculum could envision.

It is the heart of unschooling.

 

 

Helping Your Spouse Explore Unschooling

Reader Question (edited for length):

My husband is very wary about unschooling. He is not convinced it is good / feasible / livable. He comes home from work with questions like “What did you do today?” Or says things like “Come here, I’m going to teach you how to …” (read, multiply etc). I’ve tried so many times to explain what we’re doing during the day, how I think it’s beneficial for our children, but he stalls. One day he asked me to follow a curriculum. I asked him which one he thought.

How can I show him better that we are learning? That academic-style learning is not the only way? That watching movies and playing video games is as much learning as burying your head in a workbook? That when you do something you love, you are learning “long term”, not just for the sake of it?

*****

I’ve tried so many times to explain what we’re doing during the day

The frustration expressed in this question is palpable, and understandable. You’re working hard to understand and implement unschooling. You see how beneficial this learning style is for your children and you’re gaining confidence that this is the path you’d like to travel with your family. You love your children and wants what’s best for them.

He comes home from work with questions like “What did you do today?”

Yet, your husband’s perspective is also understandable. It’s pretty easy to imagine that conventional school-style learning is what he knows—in his mind, that is how people learn. So when the answers to “what did you do today?” don’t match with what he believes learning looks like, his concern is reasonable. He loves his children and wants what’s best for them.

How might the two of you move together through that seeming impasse?

In my experience, when conflict arises it often helps me to take a step (or three) back and find our common ground. In this case, you both love your children and want what’s best for them. That’s a great big piece of common ground where you can both stand firmly together. Talk about this bit, remind each other that this is where you’re both starting from, that in the end you both want the same thing.

He is not convinced it is good / feasible / livable.

Standing on that firm, common ground, and as the person interested in pursuing unschooling, take a moment to think about your role in moving forward. Is it helpful to see your role as convincing your spouse/partner that unschooling is the way to go? Convincing pits one person against the other: one has to win and one has to lose. In the end either you convince them or you don’t. Is convincing a useful strategy in your unschooling communication toolbox? Would you use it with your children? Does it support their real learning?

What if you shift your role from convincing to supporting? From trying to stuff your unschooling knowledge into your spouse to supporting them as they learn about unschooling? It seems like a subtle shift, doesn’t it? I mean, in both cases you’re giving them information you’ve discovered. But when done with the intent to convince, there’s an undercurrent of power struggle that adds such challenge to the mix. When done with the intent of sharing the information, without strings attached, your husband will likely feel more free to examine the information itself, without worrying that any interest he shows means giving up ground in a battle of “will we or won’t we unschool.”

As the at-home parent you have more time each day to dedicate to the effort, and to observe your children’s learning in action, so it’s natural that your husband’s learning about unschooling will take longer. To support them, think of ways you can share your growing knowledge and experience with them.

Release your expectations. (But keep your vision!) Drop the battle. Explore unschooling together.

What might that look like in action?

Or says things like “Come here, I’m going to teach you how to …” (read, multiply etc).

Meet your husband where he is in his journey of learning about learning. This is what it looks like to him right now. He’s trying to engage with his children, and that’s great! If your children enjoy it, cool! They’re spending time with Dad. If they don’t, that will likely be clear to your husband from their reactions. Help him explore and learn from that experience.

Support him as he develops his own unique relationships with his children. Help him get to know them better. As you chat about situations, about your children’s actions and reactions, share with him your understanding of their points-of-view. The more clearly he see his children in action, their joy and their frustration and their learning, the easier it will be for him to understand the ideas behind unschooling.

I’ve tried so many times to explain what we’re doing during the day,

how I think it’s beneficial for our children, but he stalls.

Revisit your communication style. If what you’re saying isn’t being heard, try something else. Maybe try different words: often we explain things the way we’d like to hear them, but we are not our spouse. What words might work better for him? If he’s more familiar with educational language, don’t use unschooling language with him for now. Meet him where he is.

Maybe try dropping the words altogether and going with actions, actions from which he can come to his own conclusions (but don’t set him up in an “I told you so” way). Try draw him into the same kinds of situations with your children that helped you better understand unschooling. Give him the time, space, and experiences that will allow him to discover the beauty and effectiveness of unschooling.

I suspect a combination of these kinds things will help more than continuing to reiterate what you’ve already said. As you would do to understand your child’s point-of-view, do the work to understand and empathize with his perspective.

Remember, just like unschooling looks different for each child—there is no unschooling curriculum for everyone to follow—learning about unschooling looks different for every parent. Because we each have our own unique set of experiences from childhood and beyond, the pieces of information and observations that will help unschooling “click” for each person will be different. That’s why deeply understanding your unique child and their perspective helps you better support their daily learning; and why understanding your spouse and their perspective will help you better support their learning about unschooling.

One day he asked me to follow a curriculum. I asked him which one he thought.

If the disconnect has gotten this far, if this turns out to be the place you need to go to meet him, ask yourself what’s the worst that might happen? Does it feel like the end of the world? Why? I’m not belittling those feelings, I remember them well! Yet, can you can take a moment to pull up to the bigger picture? What’s important is the people in your family.

If you would like to move your family in the direction of unschooling, maybe here is where your family starts. Remember, this isn’t a forever decision. Maybe following a curriculum for a while will help your partner transition to unschooling—can you think of it more as a stepping stone? That has been the path for many unschooling families: they came through homeschooling. Maybe you can explore ways to present the curriculum so that it’s reasonably enjoyable for your children. It’s definitely more work for you, but right now moving to unschooling is your goal, so that’s understandable too.

Or, maybe you can talk with your spouse about giving unschooling, say, a year to try out. Get to that common ground of both loving your children and wanting the best for them and explain that from what you’ve learned about unschooling so far it makes a lot of sense and you’d like to explore it for a year and see what you guys discover. Ask him to observe with you during that time; not judge. Even if you’re feeling quite sure that this is where you want to go, you don’t know what the future holds. If you can release your tight grasp on unschooling as “the answer” and choose to see the next dozen or so months as exploring it together as a family, I think that can go a long way to releasing the friction with your spouse that you’re feeling right now.

Either way, it’s definitely important to keep your spouse in the loop!

For some detailed suggestions on ways to involve your reluctant spouse/partner/other significant adult in your unschooling days and help them learn more about unschooling, you can check out my post, Learning is Learning No Matter Your Age.

There’s one bit from that post that I want to reiterate here: being supportive of all your partner’s joy and learning will go a long way to helping them discover the joy and learning of unschooling:

If they have a hobby, happily support that, just as you would your children’s interests. Listen to them share their joy. Share with them related things you think they might find interesting: an article online, a magazine you found at the store, a documentary you found on Netflix. Not only are those are nice and loving things to do, they are also real examples of unschooling in action.

Because really, it’s not just about the unschooling. In the bigger picture, it’s about how your family chooses to approach life.