Brian Francis's Blog, page 8

Bazaar-o-Rama 2018 Week 2

I’m back with another exciting round-up. What did I find this week at my church bazaar travels? Check out my loot!

Christmas Treats Plate. This was three dollars and included what some refer to as “Chow Mein Noodles Chipit Crunchies,” but I call Painful Turds, I once featured them on my blog, Caker Cooking. Check out the recipe to learn how to make a painful turd of your own. 

Knit Slippers. I hate how dirty my socks get walking around the house. I could wash the floors but, with all this shopping, who has time? These knit slippers are a great way to avoid reality. Or, if you’re one of those clean types, spray the bottoms with Pledge and dance around the house. I recommend the Funky Chicken. These slippers were only three dollars!

And look. They’re so fashionable. I’m going to wear these to the No Frills and set the stock boys’ hearts a’flutter. LOL! 

Snow Globe. I have a soft spot for old-school snow globes, although this one needs a bit of TLC. Mainly, a refill. Unfortunately, there’s some black fluff mingled in with the snow, which makes it seem like Santa is being terrorized by demonic Sea Monkeys. If anyone know how to get rid of the black fluff, help a brother out.

Bead Cat. Here, kitty kitty! I had the rare opportunity to buy this little gem from the artist herself. She was only charging 75 cents but I gave her a dollar. It goes without saying that I’m a big supporter of the arts.

Cheerios Christmas Tree. I’ve seen a lot in my bazaar days, but I aren’t never seen a Christmas tree made out of Cheerios! Makes me want to put tiny presents made of Rice Chex underneath it. This was one dollar. 

Clothespin Reindeer. In case there were any doubts, there isn’t anything you can’t make with clothespins. Excuse me while I go build a new outdoor patio set. This was one dollar.

Mystery item. Hey Brian, what in the heck is this, you ask? Why, it’s for warshing yourself. Slip a bar of soap inside and get all lathered up in no time. For those of you who use soap, anyway. This was three dollars. Irish Spring not included.

Duraware Bowls. These bowls are in mint condition. I have some turquoise Melmac cereal bowls that I took from my uncle’s house when we cleaned it out. Unlike these ones, his bowls were pretty stained. (60 years of Raisin Bran will do that.) One pro tip I learned is that you can clean stained Melmac with Comet. Mind you, your Raisin Bran will taste slightly gritty. This set of four bowls was only two dollars!

That’s a wrap for this week. Come back for week three next Monday, November 19 for a new round up. In the meantime, check out Week 1 if you haven’t already

Bazaar-o-Rama 2018 Week 1

Bazaar-o-Rama is back for another titillating edition! Every November, I scour church Christmas bazaars in search of the weird and wonderful and share all my treasures with you, dear reader. I’ll update this post every Monday throughout the month. Come along for a bazaar journey. Or is that “bizarre?”

Week 1

Maid of Honor No Nuts. I’d never heard of these, but turns out they’re those tarts with the coconut and raspberry jam. You know the ones I mean. I thought there was a garter around it, but it was just a piece of ribbon. When I was a kid, I caught the garter at my cousin’s wedding. My first instinct was to put it on. I suppose that comes as a surprise to no one. These were four dollars. 

Christmas Party Invites. I’m going to use these as invites to my annual Caker Christmas party. This was 25 cents for a pack of eight cards. If only stamps were that cheap. LOL!

Petro Canada Wine Glasses. Nothing says “class” like serving your guests drinks in stemware purchased from a gas station to commemorate the 1988 Winter Olympics. These wine glasses are on the smallish side for my needs. Let’s just say I’ll be going back for numerous refills of my Sawmill Creek Autumn Blush. LOL! The entire set cost only one dollar!

Quick and Easy Cook Cards. These cards come with timeless recipes printed on them, like Pineapple Salad, Loganberry Mousse and something called “Syllabub.” Sounds like the name of a demon, if you ask me. I wouldn’t make it if you’re entertaining Catholics. 

“I’ll pass on demonic possession for dessert, Janet, but any chance you could top up my Nescafe?”

Canada Pin. Here’s a subtle – and elegant – way to show your patriotic pride. Just watch your nipple, folks. This was one dollar.

Literary Novel. Women are complicated creatures. This was one dollar.

On another note, a lady at a bazaar gave me this bag. Look, I’m all for recycling but there comes a time when you just have to let a bag go. Am I right?

Come back next Monday, November 12 for another round-up of bazaar finds. See you then!

Witch Cut-Up Cake

A couple of years ago, I was on CBC Radio’s The Next Chapter, talking about what I thought would be the next trends. Cut-up party cake books was one of them. Apparently, the rest of the world still needs to catch on. Maybe people think turning a cake into an airplane is intimidating. But believe me, if I can do it, so can you. 

For Halloween, I decided to make a witch cake from my Cut-Up Party Cake book. I got the book at a bazaar a few years ago (no surprises there) and it’s been an endless treasure trove of delights. I’ve made the airplane, a turkey, a Santa and now the witch.

Warning: Cut-up cakes involve measuring and stuff. So if you’re not good at math (like me), putting one together can be challenging. Just stay patient and try not to cry.

Here’s what the cake looks like before it’s decorated. Do you see a witch in there? I sure don’t.

You cover the whole thing with 7 Minute Frosting. If you haven’t heard of 7 Minute Frosting, it takes about 7 minutes to make. It’s very sticky and gets everywhere. If you’re married to one of those “cleanliness is next to Godliness” people like me, you’ll hear about it afterwards. For days.

And here’s the cake all decorated. I think I did a pretty good job, given my artistic limitations.

Now I’m going to clean icing off the ceiling fixture. Wish me luck with the ladder.

Happy Halloween! 

New York City Chocolate Bar Taste Test

Recently I went to New York City and learned a few things. When riding in a taxi, never look out the windshield to see what the driver is doing. Instead, just look out the passenger window and think of puppies and daffodils.

Also, don’t try crossing Times Square on a Saturday night. 

And although you might be tempted, given that everybody in New York is a fashionista, never come back with an outfit you’d be embarrassed to wear at the No Frills. 

Something else I discovered – there are lots of chocolate bars in New York City. Or, as they call it, “chawklit.”

I pick up chocolate bars whenever I go on vacation (check out my London and Ireland choclit bar taste tests) so I scooped up a few armfuls of NYC chawklit and brought it home to review. Here’s my investigative report. Stone Phillips, listen up.

1) PEANUT CHEWS 

Wrapper description: Chewy Chocolatey Bites Loaded with Crunchy Peanuts!

I’d never heard of this brand of chawklit before. Turns out this was originally served as a WW1 ration bar. The bar was actually six little bars. I guess I was only supposed to eat one a week, but I ate them all at once. Which isn’t rationing.

High definition interior shot of a Peanut Chew

Canadian equivalent: Eat More

2) BABY RUTH

Wrapper description: Bursting with Peanuts, Rich Caramel and Chewy Nougat

I think this is named after a baseball player. Or an overweight American toddler named Ruth who ate a lot of candy bars. Overall, it reminded me of an Oh Henry. I think Ruth and Henry should get together. Then they could create a chawklit bar called Oh Baby.

High definition interior shot of a Baby Ruth

Canadian equivalent: Crispy Crunch. (Oh, ha ha! I’m only kidding. Oh Henry, of course.)

3) WHATCHAMACALLIT

Wrapper description: Made with Chocolate, Peanut Flavoured Crisps and Caramel

I keep forgetting the name of this chawklit bar. You know the one I mean. It’s crispy and chewy with peanut butter. What’s it called again? Oh, it’s driving me crazy. Anyway, this tasted like the cereal squares my mom used to make for piano recitals. 

High definition interior shot of a Whatchmacallit

Canadian equivalent: That one. You know the one I mean. What’s it called again? In the wrapper. 

4) CHUNKY

Wrapper description: Milk Chocolate with Peanuts & Raisins

This is fake advertising because you think you’re getting a block of chawklit, but really, it’s just six bars stacked three on three, rather than in a horizontal line. I’m not really a fan of chocolate and fruit bars. Chunky had a faint taste of rum. Not that I’m complaining.

High definition interior shot of a Chunky

Canadian equivalent: Cadbury Fruit and Nut Bar

5) TAKE 5

Wrapper description: Milk Chocolate, Pretzels, Peanut Butter, Caramel, Peanuts

I grabbed this and did like the package said and took four more. But then the NYPD was called and I got arrested for shawplifting. This is a good chawklit bar for people who are straddling that salty-sweet line. Just take one, though. Or pay for the other four.

High definition interior shot of a Take 5

Canadian equivalent: I couldn’t think of one. 

6) PAY DAY

Wrapper description: Peanut Caramel Bar

I was robbed! There weren't any chawklit in this chawklit bar. There were a lot of nuts, though. So I guess I shouldn’t complain. And it was pretty tasty. It would've been better if it had been covered in chawklit. But then it would've been a Baby Ruth. 

High definition interior shot of a Pay Day

Canadian equivalent: Maybe one of those Laura Secord Pecan Kent Rolls. Or whatever they’re called. 

7) MR. GOODBAR

Wrapper description: Milk Chocolate with Peanuts

I remember a movie from the seventies called “Looking for Mr. Goodbar.” That sounds like a pretty boring premise. Why wouldn’t you just go to the variety store? Unless there was a chawklit shortage. In that case, it would be a horror movie. This was okay but was a bit underwhelming. As most misters are.

High definition interior shot of a Mr. Goodbar

Canadian equivalent: Glosette Chocolate Covered Peanuts

8) BUTTERFINGER

Wrapper description: Crispety, Crunchety, Peanut-Buttery

Okay, first off, they can’t spell. What kind of word is “crispety?” And secundly, I don’t think the words “butter” and “finger” should ever appear side by side. But overall, a satisfying tastety experience. 

High definition interior shot of a Butterfinger

Canadian equivalent: Crispy Crunch

9) 5TH AVENUE

Wrapper description: Crunchy Peanut Butter in a Rich, Chocolate Coating

This one gets my vote as New York City's best-tasting chawklit bar. It was like a Crispy Crunch enhanced with peanut butter. Plus, it stuck in my teeth, so I could enjoy it throughout the day. No wonder people living on 5th Avenue like it so much. And why their dentists are so rich.

High definition interior shot of a 5th Avenue

Canadian Equivalent: A Crispy Crunch if you smeared peanut butter on it.

10) MILKY WAY

Wrapper description: Rich Chocolate, Creamy Caramel, Smooth Nougat

This was basically a Mars Bar. Like, there was no difference. It’s weird that they’re both named after things in space. I can’t help but wonder if NASA is behind this.

High definition interior shot of a Milky Way

Canadian equivalent: I think we’ve already established that.  

And that’s a wrap! After eating 10 chawklit bars, I’m going to put on pants with an elasticized waistband, lie on the couch and watch Richard Simmons’ “Sweating to the Oldies.”

Do YOU have a favourite American chawklit bar? Leave a comment and let the two people who will read this blog post know!

Box 4901

When I was 21, I placed a personals ad in the newspaper. At the time, I was on the verge of  coming out and I was looking for love. Or adventure. Or maybe both. The two always go hand in hand.

I met a few people, but there were no love connections. There were 13 letters I never responded to for a variety of reasons. But I held onto the letters over the years. I keep weird bits and pieces of my life. (You should see my night table drawer.) But it’s the little, random things we hold onto that define us most. 

When I recently came across the letters in a cardboard box, I sat down to re-read them. They took me back to a stage in my life when it felt like everything was just beginning. I wondered if I could make a connection to these strangers, but also make a connection to myself. 

So I decided to respond to them, 26 years later. Not to the actual respondents. That would be weird. But I replied to their letters, if that makes sense.

Box 4901 makes its debut at the 2018 Summerworks Festival. It’s directed by the Rob Kempson, produced by Stacey Norton, and features a cast of 13 talented actors. And one not-so-talented actor. Me. But at least I’m playing myself.

I can’t quite believe this has all come together, but it has. Funny what’s possible when you pursue your ideas.

Show and ticket information can be found here.

Reviewing Books on Manners

Recently, I was on CBC Radio’s The Next Chapter, talking with host Shelagh Rogers about something that never goes out of style. No, I’m not talking Golden Girls reruns. I’m talking manners.

I reviewed three books about manners, including one dating back to 1530! I didn’t even know they had paper then, let alone books. I’m sad to report that, according to the book, flatulence was a major problem in the 16th century. Some things never change.

Anyway, here are some things I learned about manners as a result of my investigative research. I’m passing along these golden nuggets to you, dear reader, in the hopes that we can create a more civilized world.

Send Thank You cards. Sure, sending a text is easier, but handwritten notes are so much more personal. That is, if you still remember how to write by hand. If you don’t, ask an elderly person to show you. They’ll even tell you what a “postage stamp” is. And, if you’re really nice, they might even lick the stamp for you.

Create dinner menus. From what I hear, having friends over for dinner is fun. And given this gluten-free, soy-free, dairy-free, carb-free and flavour-free world we live in, no doubt your guests will appreciate knowing what’s on the menu. That way, they’ll know what things they’ll be hiding in their napkin.

Get creative with napkins. In my household, we usually stick with paper towels, but if you really want to impress someone, real napkins are the way to go. In his book, The Butler Speaks: A Guide to Stylish Entertaining, Etiquette and the Art of Good Housekeeping, author Charles MacPherson shows you how to create fancy shapes with napkins. I picked one that was supposed to be a fleur di leaf, but I got confused along the way and ended up with something that looks like a sad bunny. Which would be perfect if you’re having Easter dinner. Or serving rabbit.

To show how much I’ve learned about manners, I’d like to thank you for taking the time to read this blog post. I do hope it was a sufficient use of your time. You can listen to my interview here.

Thank you again. 

No, I mean it. Thank you. Really. 

Weclome to Caker Cooking!

Do you like casseroles? Is Cream of Mushroom soup a vegetable in your world? Do you consider JELL-O a side dish? Then this site is for you!
Although my arteries forced me to stop blogging at the end of 2014, there’s lots for you to explore on the site, including over 250 recipes from over 60 community and church cookbooks. Some recipes are delicious. And some are…well, let’s just say the journey is always interesting. And beige. Very, very beige.
Check out the index on the right hand side for recipes. And for more info about the world of cakers, click the tabs at the top.
I'm always happy to respond to comments or questions. I hope you enjoy your visit. And that any indigestion passes quickly. It usually does.

Brian

Best and Worst Caker Recipes of All Time

This is it, folks. The last post for Caker Cooking. I can't think of a better way to wrap things up than by featuring the best and worst caker recipes OF ALL TIME!

Which dishes shone brightly? (Or beigely. This is caker food we're talking about, after all.) And which dishes jiggled their way down the dark road of hell?

Click here to find out or click on the Best & Worst of All Time tab at the top of the page.

Caker Christmas 2014

As the Irish Rovers say, “Wasn’t that a party?”

I held my annual Caker Christmas party the other night where I asked Eye-talians to make and eat caker foodThis year, I told my guests that I wouldn’t supply the recipes. They’d have to find their own. I was a little nervous, but they did me proud. The cultural divide between cakers and Eye-talians just got a little narrower, friends.

I asked people to bring their recipes so I could post them, but most forgot. So I’ll skip the recipes this year. Hope that’s okay. Besides, no one ever makes these dishes.

Nuts and Bolts
I first made this back in 2011 and forgot how much the recipe makes. You’re looking at a roasting pan, a 9x13 pan and a pie plate. Needless to say, everyone got a pail as a parting gift. Only problem? The smell of Hickory Sticks stays on your fingers forever.








Spinach Dip
Spinach Dip is awesome because there’s one less dish to wash. I mean, you could try washing a pumpernickel loaf, but it gets kind of mushy. I’m speaking from experience.










Meatloaf Muffins
I’m not sure if that was the name or not, but these ‘lil guys were pretty tasty. Best of all, you can enjoy one for breakfast with your coffee and not attract funny looks in the food court.










Cheesy Stuffing Cups
What a perfect accompaniment to Meatloaf Muffins! These had Stove Top Stuffing, cranberries and a binding agent. (My money’s on cream-of-anything soup.) I decided I’m going to invent a line of food shaped liked muffins. First up: muffin-shaped pizza! Speaking of pizza…








Hash Brown Pizza
Made by yours truly, the crust was hash browns and cheddar cheese soup and the topping was ground beef, tomato soup and cheese. Move over, Chef Boy-Ar-Dee. You may not be It-lee’s most famous chef for long! LOL!








Potato Casserole
This had layers of potatoes and ground turkey. There was also lots of cheese, which explains the pinched expression on everyone’s face by the end of the night.










Lobster Thermidor
Lobster is a little high-end for most cakers. If we’re going to eat seafood, we usually grab a can of salmon. Or a tempura-battered fish stick. This tasted pretty good. I’m going to send the recipe to Red Lobster and take full credit for it.









Carrot Casserole
I made this because I thought people would appreciate a vegetable option. If you're wondering where the carrots are, they’re covered in Velveeta, butter and Ritz crackers – as all vegetables should. Two people said it was the first time they’ve eaten Velveeta and I could only wonder why there’s so much suffering in the world.






Frankfurter Loaf
Presenting the winner of Best-Tasting Dish of Caker Christmas 2014! Folks, these are wieners baked inside a loaf of corn bread. The only thing missing was a carnie asking me if I wanted a ride on the Tilt-a-Whirl. It was served with mushroom gravy. From a can.








7-Up Cake
My Greek friend brought this. It’s a layer of berries with white cake mix on top with 7-Up poured over it. It wasn’t as good as Dump Cake, but not bad, provided you don’t mind coughing up bits of dry cake mix.










Sponge Toffee
One guest brought five packages of sponge toffee. Apparently, Eye-talians think you eat it with a spoon. It was fun watching people spend the evening trying to suck it off their teeth.










Walnut Pie
I made this. It has Ritz crackers, walnuts, egg whites and sugar. One guest said it was the best thing he ever ate. Another said it made him nauseous. Eye-talians are people of extremities.










Cake Mountain
My sister-in-law brought this. It’s Duncan Hines and the size of a shed. And yes, I had a piece for breakfast this morning. Time to get out the ol’ track pants. Speaking of track pants…










Nutella
My sister-in-law also brought this three-kilogram jar of Nutella. I put it next to a soup can so you can see how big this mother is. I did the math and there are 16, 140 calories in this container. Which is three fewer calories than I ate last night.








That’s a wrap! Just look at that tapestry of beige! I’m off to eat the leftovers. Then I'm going to eat, like, a lot of fibre. Come back next Monday for my best – and worst – caker dishes of 2014.

Happy holidays and happy eating!

Santa's Balls

We're down to the final posts for Caker Cooking and if you take anything away from this blog, I hope it’s this: cakers love balls. I’ve featured more ball-shaped food on here than any other shape. (Triangles being a distant second.) Some may wonder why, but I say, "Don’t analyze. Just eat."

When I saw this recipe for Christmas Fruit Balls, two thoughts came to mind: 1) more balls and 2) it’s nice that maraschino cherries are considered “fruit.” So I set out to make them. And while I was tenderly rolling these balls in my hands, I had another thought: these balls deserve a better name.

So I’ve christened them Santa’s Balls. Let’s just say the sprinkling of shredded coconut sealed the deal. Picture it: there you are in your apron and knitted slippers on Christmas Eve, announcing to your guests that you’ll be serving Santa’s Balls shortly and would anyone like a top up on their Kahlua? Talk about memorable holiday moments!

Speaking of memorable holiday moments, my Caker Christmas party is tomorrow night! I have no idea what my Eye-talian guests are bringing. This terrifies and excites me. Come back Monday when I post all the carnage.

½ bag white miniature marshmallows
2 cups graham wafer crumbs
½ cup red cherries, halved
1-15 ounce can Eagle Brand milk
1 cup chopped walnuts
Mix altogether, chill overnight. Shape into balls and roll in coconut. (See note.) Store in covered container in the refrigerator.

Note: The mixture was pretty, er, hard when I took it out of the fridge. Let it warm slightly before attempting to roll Santa’s Balls in your hands.

Source: From the Lakeshore Ladies Kitchens

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