Riley Murphy's Blog, page 13

I sleep like a what???? You can’t feel what???

 

I sleep like what?

My Honey issue #1

Honest to frigging God, I didn’t see this one coming. You guys know I’m sick, right? Don’t sick people deserve to convalesce in peace? I thought so. In fact, I made/make sure my guys always bask in comfort when they’re feeling ill at ease. Who remembers Nurse Bambi? Am I right?

Anyways, here’s the depressing truth, and the even more depressing conversation with, guess who? HONEY!

Here’s the deal. We’re sitting across from one another in the morning ready to have our coffee when I was just about to take a sip of my steaming Java and Honey says, “You sleep like a vampire.”

I pause, and the steam out of the cup rises in front of my eyes, but not enough that I can’t narrow my gaze at him. “Excuse me?”

“A vampire.” At this point he tucks his arms up crisscross over his chest and leans back like a stiff. “The undead people.”

*Imagine me hanging my head in disgust for a second and then turning to look at you without lifting it back up* Seriously? *Now I bring the old noggin up and look at him.

“Did you just notice this? I mean we’ve been married for nearly three decades, and in all that time something as creepy as this has escaped your notice?” Not that I thought for a moment that I sleep like Dracula or anything, but I find with Honey if I jab him with facts he can’t dispute, he apologizes to me faster. So I was going with the idea that maybe he was mistaken just this once. *Wink, wink* Why? Well, could be that I’m sick and I discovered if I remain in one position and I keep really still, I wouldn’t be hacking and coughing all over the freak lying beside me in bed who NOW thinks I’m a undead bat.

Honey to his credit, took a large mouthful of coffee, swallowed, and then returned his cup to the table before he shrugged. “Maybe you were just bitten.”

To which I deadpanned. “If I were you’d be the first one I’d feast on. For no other reason than I couldn’t fathom living without your wit for all eternity.

Moving onto my Honey issue #2

I didn’t see this one coming either. Yesterday I’m putting together the pasta and Caesar salad for dinner and Honey is in the kitchen, as he usually is. He’s like a big kid. Always trying to steal stuff before it’s done, or taste stuff while it’s cooking. Actually, I’m so used to this that half the time I don’t even notice, but last night? He brought something new to the table…or kitchen…or routine. There I am walking around him for the third time, filling pots and getting plates out that I finally tried to push him out of my way.

I laughed. “Would you move?” I smacked his hand away from where he was trying to grab a piece of bacon I cooked for the salad. “Just step aside a bit.”

He steps in front of me instead. “Oh, sure, that’s what you’d like, isn’t it?”

*Looks right at you and shrugs because YES that’s exactly what I wanted* I say, “Of course.”

Now you have to imagine Honey being totally dejected here. He did a great job even I was feeling a little bad for his “kick-the-can” expression until he over sold it when he said, “I was working so hard today I can’t feel my hands. They’re bloodless. Numb. The damaged one has all kinds of strange tingles in it. It’s going to fall off.”

“You’re not getting the bacon.”

“Look, it’s not getting enough blood to it.” He flashed it at me, turning it back and forth for my perusal.

I didn’t even blink. “No bacon.”

“Things fall off when they don’t get fed.”

“Don’t you mean blood to them?”

“That’s exactly what I mean,” he said eyeing the meat on the counter.

Now, not only did I blink, but I looked right down the length of him until I got to….you know where, and mused, “I wonder if Bobbit was trying to steal the bacon when his fell off?”

That got his attention. “His didn’t fall off!”

I smiled and said, “I know.”

Yeah, that must have got the blood pumping. Honey was out of the kitchen, and my hair, in no time. LOL!

Conclusion?

Tonight I shall sleep au natural. Meaning? I am going to cough and hack all I want, and Honey is going to wish for old “Vlad the Impaler” to be sleeping beside him once more.

Riley

Who are you calling beautiful???

 

So before I begin, are you sitting down? No? *shrugs and starts to pace back and forth as I say* Go ahead, find a seat. This one’s gonna be good. Promise.

*Stops pacing after a minute and turns to you* Ready? Great. Now, this is what happened. First let me explain that I currently have a plague-type thing going on. I’d say it’s a cold, or maybe a flu, but lucky me thinks it’s a lot of both. Yay!

Oh, for those of you who’ve been reading my blog for a while you already know how illness affects the Murphy household. For those of you who don’t, feel free to check this out (click here). It explains the dynamics between sickness and man (otherwise known as Honey versus death). It’s a pretty good drama so you may want to pop up some corn.

But I digress…

Picture this. Me on the couch last night during the early evening hour. I’m fading fast. As in I swear if the pooch wasn’t sprawled across my lap I would have slid right off the darn seat. I can barely keep my head up and Honey does what Honey does best. He remains oblivious to the pestilence that has its clutches on me. No word of a lie. This is what he says.

“Hey babe, you come here often?”

If I could have turned my cannonball head to glare at him I would have, but instead I made a face and continued to stare off into space.

“Not even a grin? What’s the matter?”

I would have frowned, but my pounding forehead said no way. “I’m sick. I’m so sick in fact I’ve been sitting here for the past hour working up the strength to go to bed.”

“No.”

He says this with such conviction I have to look. He can’t be serious. Maybe I was deluded. Could be. I gauged my fever was about 102. “You didn’t believe me when I passed on dinner? Or took medicine after I told you that I was S.I.C.K. Sick?”

“But you look great.”

Me, blink, blink.

“Your cheeks are a nice pink color.”

“That would be the fever.”

“Your eyes are glassy. Just the way they go when I’m turning you on.”

I didn’t blink this time. “Fever.”

“You’re really quiet. Makes me want to do things to you.”

If I could have hurmphed I would have. Instead I deadpan, “Fever.”

“And your hair looks particularly great tonight.”

Yeah, I didn’t have an answer to that one, other to say that someone upstairs has a helluva sense of humor. My hair did look great and the only ones to see it besides Honey and me were going to be our bed pillows. #$#@!!!

“Now that I’m looking at you, you’re quite beautiful this evening.”

*Looks right at you* Seriously, people? This is what Honey says when I feel like I’m a walking petri dish for the touch it only with a ten-foot pole specimens growing in it? “You can compliment me all you want, you’re not getting any.”

Fortunately, his thoughtless attitude gave me the strength I needed to drag my fever ridding butt up off the couch and stumble into the kitchen. I was just pouring myself a glass of juice to take to our room, when he comes up behind me and put his arms around me. When he bent to whisper in my ear, I wasn’t sure whether it was the chills from the fever or the chills from his husky voice that made me shake. “Don’t go to bed mad. I was just thinking it would be a shame to waste such a good look on sleep.”

I didn’t have the strength to shrug him off. “You better be kidding.”

“You don’t have to kiss me.”

And right there I started to steam. Again, it could have been the fever, but I’m thinking not. Quietly I asked, “Do I have to talk?”

“No.”

“Move?”

“Not if you don’t want to.”

“Do I have to breathe?”

Bingo. That got his attention. “What?”

“You know, breathe, because right now I’m thinking you’ll be getting some over my dead body. So breathing, would kind of defeat the whole purpose.”

LMAO! The look on his crestfallen face? Priceless!

Men! They have such messed up priorities, it’s a wonder the human race has survived for as long as it has. Hello? Remember the bubonic plague?

Anyone else envisioning this kind of scenario?

A London gal in the 1340’s holding up her hand and saying, “Not tonight dear, I’m feeling under the weather. Isn’t there some sort of scourge menacing the land?”

To which her single-minded mate with the messed up priorities quips, “Pish-posh. It ain’t like I’m going to let you breathe on me or anything. Lift up the nightie and let me give ya a go.”

Riley

Who still feels like crap, but at least Honey is making me laugh. Today he called me on my cell six times. Why you may ask? Well, it seems he likes my husky phone sex operator voice. Did I mention that he was watching a documentary in the family room while I was three rooms over trying to work? He was hoping I’d talk dirty to him. So I did. I read him a scene out of my next book.

Four minutes into doing that and there he was standing at my office door *looks right at you* Aaaand, we were back to me not having to breathe on him! *Shakes head* Unbelievable!

Honey and his “Happy Heart Day” surprises!

Before I get to the Heart Day surprises I need to tell you that I was away. As in I was away from home and Honey for a full week. Did I mention that Honey doesn’t like it when I go away without him? No? Think getting your fingers slammed in the door kind of excruciating pain. At least that’s how Honey whines about me being gone. Actually he doesn’t whine. I do but fib. He biatches about it. It starts the week before I go, while I’m away (via cell), and of course when I get home. *sigh*

This time I thought I’d leave him things to do to keep him busy. *taps index finger on front tooth and recalls here* I left a list of various things I wanted done before I returned. Great idea, right? It keeps him busy and the time flies by and I get all those little projects I’d been meaning for him to do – done.

The list was as follows:

I wanted a new fan put up in our bedroom.

The main bath repainted.

The front of the house landscaping addressed.

And the last thing I really wanted to see fixed was Madge’s birdfeeder from hell. Steven King adventures.

*insert me being away and blissfully unaware of what was going on at home*

Now *insert me returning and finding*

*gasp*

Not one. That’s not ONE of the things on the list done!

Oh, wait there’s more to tell. I may not have gotten a new fan in the bedroom, but Honey changed the perfectly wonderful fan I had in the living room to a new one. Why, you may ask? I have no idea.

So, yeah. I was surprised too. So here’s the conversation over this surprise.

Me. “Well, I don’t know what to say. It’s nice, but I really wanted the bedroom fan changed. Can we put the fan you took down here and install it in the bedroom?”

“No. I pitched it.”

*Stares right at you* I just bought the darn thing less than eight months ago and it wasn’t cheap! “You threw it out?”

“I gave it to one the guys. He thought it was great.”

And there I am thinking, Of course he did.

Then we move to the…well, I’d say main bath because that’s the room I wanted repainted, but Honey directed me to the laundry room. Surprise! He repainted that room instead. *insert me checking my nail polish here before I casually look up and tell you* He painted it an eggshell color. Although I’ll be damned if I’ve EVER seen an egg that putrid mustard color in my life.

Insert the mighty snow globe here!!!

We needn’t discuss the landscaping as I knew he hadn’t done it when we pulled up to the house. But then? Surprise! He did the back of the property. *insert me holding up my right hand and swearing on a bible here* I swear he cut down every plant I love. *takes a deep breath and calms down for a second* Okay, admittedly most of them did have wicked thorns and they were a bugger to maintain, but beauty is pain right? And he’s the one who married me, so he should just suck it up. *Looks away and then looks back at you defensively* It’s true isn’t it?

All right, never mind the foliage butchery I can deal with that, but what I can’t deal with is Madge’s “all fixed” birdfeeder. It’s supposed to be in her backyard and instead he fixed the thing and “Surprise!” put it on a new pole in the center of our part of the yard. Grant it, Mom can see it better and it’s not surrounded by as many trees for Steven King and his harem to swing or drop from, but still. Now I’m stuck looking at that monstrosity every morning while we have coffee and there’s not a thing I can do about it. Madge is whistling, and Honey is getting the old mother in-law nod all day long.

Given all this, you’d think I’d be really mad, but how could I be? You see, when I was away he called me late one night and said something that made remember why I fell in love with him. His exact words went – while he was bastardizing my list, mind you – something like this:

“Babe, we have a nice house. We have a beautiful place to call home, but it isn’t one unless you’re here. It’s as if the place doesn’t breathe when you’re gone. I can’t wait for you to be sleeping in our bed and our house to feel like a home again.”

Yeah, not gonna lie, I was riding on the high of that romantic sentiment long enough to forgive him for everything…well almost everything. The birdfeeder in my side of the backyard? It is SO going. Oh, and so is the putrid mustard color in the laundry room. Meh, who am I kidding? I still want the fan in the master bedroom and the front yard landscaping to be done. I also want my shrubs and trees he annihilated in the backyard replaced as well.

In fact there’s only one surprise he gave me on heart day that I was completely satisfied with. It was in a case that looked like a mini leather duffle bag. Actually, it looked like the kind of bag that bowling shoes come in – only there weren’t any shoes in it, if you know what I mean. Honey went toy shopping!!! He left the bag in the center of the bed with a big red bow tied on it. Two of the items were upgrades to our favorites, but the third one? Surprise! A totally new item. It almost made me forget everything else. Amost…

How was your Heart Day?

Riley

 

 

PROVOKED “COMING SOON” !!!

Here’s the blurb

A woman who opens her mind, closes the door to a self-inflicted prison…

She didn’t know the ecstasy of total surrender.

She never wanted to be tied up.

Held down.

Or forced to beg a powerful man for his dark attentions.

Until she made the mistake of provoking him…

 

A man who uses his mind on a woman, opens the gates to paradise…

He’s enjoyed the pleasure of a sub’s surrender.

He’s tie them up.

Held them down.

And forced them to beg for his special kind of attention.

But it isn’t until she provokes him that he wants more than mere enjoyment from the experience.

He intends to own the moment, before he commits to the challenge of owning her.

Too late she learns. With a man like him, forgiveness is a gift. It’s not something she’s entitled to just because she said, she’s sorry.

  Slowly, he fisted a hand in the soft curls and pulled until her head was angled enough that their gazes met. “You have thirty seconds to explain yourself before I start getting really creative with your punishments. At the moment we’re doing this the vanilla way, if you want to step things up a bit I could see a ribbed plug, vibrating nipple clamps, and a flogger in your future.”

I love Neil!!! *sigh* Anyways, here’s a small snippet. I love these two together!!!! Can’t wait for you guys to meet them.

Reluctantly she eyed Cannon’s giant silhouette filling up the doorway, and tried one more time. “Are we going somewhere?”

“To my place.”

Yup, she should have left that destination unconfirmed. It was one thing to guess and another to know for absolute certainty. Standing, she moved to gather her things as quickly as possible. When she arrived at the spot directly in front of him, she looked up. “Don’t you mean lair?”

“I prefer den.”

She figured he’d chosen that term because he called her tiger earlier. “Tigers don’t sleep in dens. They usually sleep next to their kill.”

“I don’t see myself as a tiger. I see myself as a lion. Lions sleep in dens.” He paused and tilted his head to the right, letting his dark gaze rake her from head to toe and back again before he said, “But you make a good point. Tigers sleep next to their kill, so maybe I am a tiger after all. Figuratively speaking, of course.”

What was that supposed to mean? He slayed women with his sexual powers of persuasion, and then slept next to them when they were too dead to move afterward? “Funny, the animal I see you as is one belonging to the Suidae family. A chauvinist one.”

The second that left her mouth she wanted to grab it back. Before he read the panic in her eyes she turned her gaze away and stared at the door frame, praying he’d let the insult go.

“I can help you with that Catherine.”

The soft tone of his voice surprised her almost as much as his palm cupping the underside of her chin. She had to look. She couldn’t stop herself. She also had to ask, “Help me with what?”

“This.” He lifted his thumb, and the warm, hard, pad outlined the whole shape of her lips before he quickly tapped on her mouth, leaning down to huskily whisper in her ear, “It’s quite big and naughty. Nothing a ball gag can’t fix.”

(end of snippet)

Thanks for stopping by!

Riley

 

And We Have A Winner!!!

For the cuff that was in the mystery box

The image that’s going to go on the Amazon 25.00 gift card to be emailed separately to the winner!

And the two signed print copies of my books, the mystery box itself (it’s so purdy)

The Rene magnet, The Boys magnet, the Aries heavy duty bag clip and the David Post-It-Notes!!!

Phew *wipes brow*

Now that I’ve been through a contest like this I think we’ll make some changes for the next one that I’ve already planned. There’s going to be another mystery box! See…

It’s actually nicer in person. I think my flash makes it look dull. *sigh* Anyways, for my regular contests with neat stuff, I’ll be pulling from comments and subscriber’s list as usual. BUT with the next contest I do like this one? I think were going to limit the drawing for people who leave a comment. I wasn’t sure we’d have enough people to do a drawing with, but you guys were so great leaving comments – I think we could manage.

The next contest like this one is going to be a funny, but normal romance story. We’ll build it from the ground up. I’ll post about this in a separate blog, but I was thinking I’d take suggestions for plausible hero and heroine “meeting” scenarios from you guys and write around them. You can even name the characters. Who knows? I might decide to write the whole book of that one.

In any case, gold star to those who played along with suggestions and commented on Sherm and Larz’s anti-romance story. I’ve got a separate hat with your names in it. I’m going to be doing a drawing from that to see who gets the first signed print copy of my next book PROVOKED, and who will get a chance to read an advanced copy of that story. I will be doing that once I’ve nailed down a release date and will contact those winners by email. You guys were really great! I had a lot of fun reading your ideas and suggestions.

Thanks again for playing! As soon as I hear back from the winner of this contest I’ll let you know.

Riley

We Have Reached The End…Final scene for Larz and Sherm’s Story

 

 

 

First a reminder. The image above is going to be on the 25.00 Amazon gift card that will be emailed separately to the winner of my Sherm and Larz giveaway contest. Below are the items that will be in the package mailed to the winner. So far we have two signed print copy of my books. A mystery box, one Rene magnet, one Aries clip and one The Boys magnet as well as some David Post-It-Notes…

And since this is the end of Sherm and Larz’s story I’m showing you what’s in the mystery box that the lucky winner will be enjoying. Ta da!

 It’s a leather and brass cuff. When I saw it I knew my next heroine would wear something like this, so I bought it for the giveaway! I’ll be posting Provoked’s first official teaser when I announce the winner of all of this stuff. I can’t wait for you guys to meet my new guys! I love them!!! Here’s another shot of the cuff.

Did I mention that I like purdy cuffs? I do, but they have to be different. This one qualifies as different. It’s got some weight to it, too. I love that as well.

Now… Time to move onto the last of Sherm and Larz!  I’ve picked up right from the last paragraph, but just in case you have to get caught from the beginning you can click here for the first scene or here for the second or here  for the third. As before I’ve highlighted the words you guys gave me. *cough, cough* I used some poetic licence there so sorry about that. Anyways, don’t forget to leave a comment for extra chances to win! I’m drawing soon…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(We pick up in Larz’s point of view – he’s making his confession to the security guard…)

So, this was what the underside of a bus looked like? Larz blinked, and when there was only one plausible excuse that came to mind, he blurted it out. “I must confess I was a little surprised she’d waited until we were at the shop to tell me, so it’s no wonder I was discombobulated learning the terrible truth. Of course I had my suspicions, who wouldn’t? Any man would be blinded by such beauty just as I was…but to learn I wasn’t the vessel of manhood who created the love child? That I wasn’t the father of the phenomenal, special, gorgeous miracle growing inside my Goddess…? Well, I lost my mind and heart, I’m afraid. Yes, I lost my head. Because even though my culture believes a fruit to a pregnant woman tastes more satisfying and is more nurturing when the mother-to-be believes it’s stolen, that’s not why I took it.” Larz threw in a deep droop to his shoulders, and an “aw shucks” toe-kick to the curb for the security guard’s benefit. There was still a chance they could get out of this.

“Are you telling me,” the security guard waved his pen under Larz’s nose, “that someone else knocked up this…this…?” He seemed to be fighting for the right word. “Unique woman?”

“Yes. It was my brother.” Larz figured he’d pullout all the emotional stops to get the grocery policeman to cut him a break. It might have cost him his Goldirella though. That was his fear. With a heavy heart he looked up and up and up some more until his gaze locked with hers.

Respect. That’s what he read in those beady rat-like eyes of hers. The discovery lit him up from inside out.

“So why did you steal the fruit?” It wasn’t the security guy who asked, but one of the people in the crowd around them.

Larz didn’t let go of his Goddesses’ stare when he said matter-of-factly, “To bean her in the head with it.”

There were a couple of gasps, a few “right ons”, and one dreamy sigh that reverberated all around him, yet it was the last sound that captivated him, because it came from his delectable dear heart. She appeared to be smitten with him. Oh joy and massive bliss! He didn’t care if they did go to prison. Of course he’d lose his cobbler corner at the mall and all his future hopes and dreams of becoming the senior cobbler at the hobbler shop, but he’d have her. Yes he would.

“Okay, there’s nothing to see here folks. Go on with your business. Go on.” The security guard shooed the crowd away. Then he turned and nodded to Larz. “You pulled that load of crap right out of the shitter, didn’t you?”

Larz didn’t know what to say so he said nothing. He just waited to see what the guy had in mind to do to them. But then he didn’t do anything, he just started to walk back into the store. Before Larz had a chance to speak up, the store manager beat him to it.

“Hey, are you just going to let them go? What about the fruit? They still have it.”

The guard spun around and made a face that said, absolutely, before he explained. “Look, I said I was a reasonable guy and if they told me an entertaining story I might just ban them from the story for life. I was entertained, weren’t you?”

“So shouldn’t you take their information? Shouldn’t you tell them that they’re banned for good from shopping at our esteemed store?”

Bob straightened his official grocery store police badge and shook his head. “Look, even if one tenth of what that guy just told us was true, he deserves a break. He either made the mistake of a lifetime some time ago, or he’s planning on making it right now.” Bob gave them both the once over and sighed. “The thought that these two want to procreate…well, yeah, never mind about that. Let’s leave it at – I’ll pay the forty-nine cents for the measly avocado. I’ll add it to the bottle of aspirin I’m planning on buying to get rid of the headache I’m working on just thinking about what their kids would like. That’s all I’m saying.”

Larz clapped his soft hands together. The action didn’t make any noise but he didn’t care when he cried, “It’s a miracle!”

The store manager looked right at him, and deadpanned, “No. A miracle would be if there really was another man sniffing around after the likes of her in order to create a kid.”

Larz would have gone after the manager if his Goddess hadn’t clamped her meaty paws on him. The weight of her abrasive touch felt like heaven to him. Then when he leaned back and looked up, he had to swat away the few coarse strands of hair that dangled out of her chin and tickled his forehead, before he could tell her, “That insult was uncalled for, my darling. I wanted to avenge your honor and the honor of our-as-yet unborn children.”

Those rat-like eyes glowed down on him with adoration. “There’s no need, my little bedbug. Only the jealous spew such hatred. We’re better than that. Just ignore it.”

Larz snuggled into a spot against her. A warm place between two perfectly uneven lumps. Was one a breast? The other was definitely a rippled fat roll. “You are right, my Amazonian Queen. We shall let them eat cake when they’re privileged to gaze upon the angelic face of the cherub our combined genes shall spring off.”

“Correction.” She gathered him in for a squeeze. “They shall choke on the cake when they meet our offspring. With my height and striking features, combined with your pale skin and evenly hanging breasts, our children will be beauty personified.”

Tamping down his elation he closed his eyes, and whispered, “May I be so bold as to ask if I can make you a pair of shoes, my love? A size fourteen with a sling on the side for your bunions and extra room at the top for those hammer toes?”

“How romantic. Yes. Yes! You may make my shoes today and for all my tomorrows.”

Larz didn’t need more of an invitation than that. He opened his eyes, fought his way out from under that one breast and turned around. It only took him two tries to pull her down to him. The first couple of times were a no-go on account of his hands sliding off the grease on her hair, but once their lips connected and his tongue snaked around her two front teeth, he was in sweet and sour heaven. Floating in a world of bliss-filled abandon until he felt a tap on his shoulder.

Through the haze of new found love he heard a deep voice say, “Break it up you two. You’re coming with me. You can’t do this here.”

It took him a moment, but when he disentangled his lips from hers and turned, he came nose to badge with a real policeman. That’s when he noticed something else. His beloved had her meaty hands on his manly parts. He stumbled sideways and tried to sober up. “O-officer?”

“Don’t officer me. You’re being booked on lude and lascivious behavior. Shame on you.”

Larz watched the policeman’s baton swing back forth between them as if to say, “naughty, naughty”. Dear Lord, how would they get out of this one?

“Officer, please stop swaying that thing in front of me. I’m getting dizzy! In my condition I can’t afford to pass out. It might injure the triplets. I have asthma you know. Why else do you think my wonderful husband would be so close to me in public. He was helping me breathe through an attack. Why, he’s the most courageous man I know. You, sir, should be ashamed not us.”

“Asthma, huh? That doesn’t explain why your hand was down there.” He pointed to Larz’s nether regions and shot a dubious look between them. “Doing the hanky-panky to his spanky.”

His Goddess didn’t miss a beat. “Oh, yes, about that? You’d have to ask him.”

Larz blinked, and when there was only one plausible excuse that came to mind, he blurted it out. “Officer, I must confess…”

(The End)

Haha! Something tells me Larz and Sherm are going to have a fun life together despite their shortcomings. But here’s a question for you. Did you like them? They may have been kind of gross and their idea of perfection was far different than the norm, but at the end of the day weren’t they kind of cute together? I loved that Larz wound up having a backbone and that Sherm liked that about him. I also liked how Sherm kept chickening out when push came to shove in the explanation department. Hilarious.

Alrighty! This is the last chance to leave comments and then I’m doing the drawing. I’ll post the winner on the 2nd of Feb!!! Good luck!

Thanks for playing!

Riley

It’s The Note Ghost!!!

 

 

You see that note card with my picture on the back? Well, I ordered some more author swag to give away, and I decided to do note cards too. On the front is the picture of one of my heroes and on the back is me with my webpage address. I don’t want to show the front because I want it to be a surprise for my blog contest winners this year. Anyways, I put all the neat stuff on the dining room table to show Honey like I usually do…only? I had the card facing out with the hero side visible. This is the conversation:

“How do you like my stuff?”

“Everything looks great. Even me.” He points to the card with the ripped guy on it and grins.

Me? Not grinning so much as I was over-nodding. “Oh, of course.”

Now he wasn’t grinning. “How would you like to do something for me?”

I should mention here I’m usually up for anything when Honey’s eyes sparkle, so I asked, “Here?”

“No.” He took my hand and pulled me along with him. “In your office.”

And there I am thinking, Right on, it’s been awhile since we’ve *cough, cough* polished the desk, when he walks me to the desk chair and indicates for me to sit in it.

*cups hand over mouth and summons the magic snow globe*

“You want me to sit here? Why?”

He leaned down bracing both hands on either side of me on the chair, and asked, “How else are you going to type and email the invoice I need sent to a client ASAP.”

@#@!$#$!!!!

There was more to that whinny conversation, but I like to keep the non-talking-about-sex-part of my posts clean. Besides, I have to get to the point of telling you about the notes. It would seem Honey doesn’t like visual competition around the house. Did I mention that I buy him a calendar every year for his office? A day planner that features sexy girls for him to look at whenever he wants? I do. Funny story about that here, but I digress. I left the note card on the table with the other swag overnight and the next morning when I walked by I noticed the card was turned around. Not that I don’t like looking at my own face, but you know, being treated to ripped male abs puts a little “pep” in my morning step, you know what I’m saying? So I turned the card back around. I was actually going to pick up all the swag stuff and pack it into my swag drawer, but now I had something to prove. I waited until Honey got home that day and I asked if he turned my note card around. He denied it. Worst part about that? I actually believed the sneaky bastard.

*Shakes head*

Unfortunately, I forgot to collect up my stuff that night, so it wasn’t until I walked by the table the next morning and saw the card turned back around that I knew the truth. He was turning my guy so I couldn’t see him. For the next three days we had the ghost war going on. I’d turn the perfect physique so I could see it when I walked by the table, and he’d turn it so I couldn’t. Neither one of us said anything about doing this. He never caught me and I never caught him until…

I turned my guy around this morning and Honey had done something really, really, bad. He used a black marker and drew my guy’s nipples to look like Groucho Marks eyes complete with the thick eyebrows!!! Bad enough, right? But then he went the extra mile – he gets brownie points for this one- he used one of the hero’s ab ripples (the one right over his belly-button) to fashion a mustache and his belly-button he made into a tiny mouth that looked like one of those caroler angels with lips in a perfect ‘0’.

 

*Holds up right hand*

I swear, right now I’m trying so hard not to get that black marker out of the kitchen drawer and go mess up his dirty girl calendar. Please talk me out of it.

*insert massive stewing here until the epiphany hits*

Oh, wait! I know what I can do. Messing up his current dirty girl would be so pedestrian, wouldn’t it? He’d be totally expecting me to do something like that. You’re right. I need to play this smarter. I’ll graffiti his October model. That’s my birthday month. What a great gift to myself in 2015 – seeing Honey’s face when he unveils his newest babe only to find out she’s missing a few teeth, sporting a couple of Frankenstein scars, and has hairy arm pits that look like she’s packing a head of broccoli under them.

*cries laughing*

Then?

*Sobers up*

Aw, the poor guy. He SO looks forward to the first day of every month to see what beauty awaits him when he flips the page…maybe I shouldn’t touch his calendar.

*Looks right at you and screams*

Joking! I am so doing it!!!

Riley – who couldn’t have come up with this brilliant plan without talking her way through it, so thanks for listening!

 

Who wants…? Plus (scene 3) of Larz and Sherm!!!

More loot to be added to the giveaway? Me! Me! So here’s the deal. The image of the above teaser for my next release PROVOKED,  will arrive on the giveaway winner’s 25.00 Amazon e-gift card that will be emailed to them separately from the items below! See? These items:

So to sum this up. So far, there’s the 25.00 e-gift card, two print and signed books, one mystery box with something in it -hence the mystery, one large “The Boys” magnet, one small Rene magnet, one heavy duty Aries clip/magnet and one of David’s famous Post-It-Notes pads! All you have to do is leave a comment or email me a suggestion for me to put toward the next scene, and your name will be added to the hat each time. Big thanks to all you guys who have been playing. Hardest word to incorporate this time came from Liz. She sent in neurologist. Lol! That was a goodie. It’s fun, no? Oh, and the drawing is at the end of the month! By then we should have all our scenes to this little anti-typical romance story done. Yay!

Now onto the story of Larz and his Goldirella!

 

 

 

 

If you need to catch up click here, here and then here.

Here is where we left off in the last scene with the security guard talking:

“I don’t care who the hell he is. You and him are coming to my office.”

Larz didn’t say anything while he let the guy help him up. He would have gone with the security guard quiet as a lamb sleeping in a haystack if the goddess hadn’t chosen that moment to shatter the peace by announcing to the growing crowd…

“I’m pregnant.”

The security guard let go of Larz’s arm and stumbled forward, demanding, “Excuse me?”

“I most certainly will not, you delusional twit!” The goddess roared, shooting such an astounding glare at the grocery policeman that every romantic bone in Larz’s body trembled in delectable delight. Especially when she added, “My squat little prince. My bewitching little bedbug. My hunky, halitosis-suffering hero only sought to please his highly hormonal and oftentimes moody child bearer. Surely you know why I needed the perfect avocado in my condition?”

The security man looked to the store manager, then at Larz, before he turned to the towering goddess of righteousness. “Um, no. Haven’t a clue.”

Larz nearly had to bite on his knuckle to hold off the sizzling lust steaming through him. His love’s front teeth hung rather askew over her bottom lip before she systematically worked to un-chewed it, and sniffed, “Folate.”

Nothing but silence followed until the insolent guard scratched his head with a pen. “Folic acid?”

It is to laugh. Larz waited and sure enough.

The goddess of grandeur swept the crowd with her beady rat-like eyes before returning to stare at the guard. “My mistake. I forgot who I was talking to. A verbally challenged individual. It’s pronounced foe late.” Larz closed his eyes and basked in the spittle that sprayed out of her mouth, bathing him in its sweet and sour odor. “Folate is in the vitamin B family and you know what they say? An avocado a day keeps the neurologist away.”

“Hm.” The security guard scanned the crowd, and then turned back. “That still doesn’t explain why you’re holding the fruit outside of the store and it wasn’t paid for.”

Larz held his breath, hanging on a bubble of swelling anticipation to see how cleverly his perfect love got out of this latest snare. In a flash his bubble popped, and with it went all his expectations, as his Goldirella drawled, “Oh, about that? You better ask him.”

So, this was what the underside of a bus looked like? Larz blinked, and when there was only one plausible excuse that came to mind, he blurted it out. “I must confess….”

(end)

Haha! So what’s Larz’s excuse? What is he going to confess? Any ideas? Any words or phrases you’d like to see included in the next scene? Let me know. As you can see I put in bold all your emailed or posted suggestions. I think I’ve used all of them.

Thanks for stopping by!

Riley

Provoked

The Unloved Wanderer (scene two: Larz. )

Trust me. The picture will make sense in a minute, so stick with me.

Heh. Before we get to Mr. Handsome with a capital ‘H’, let me share a little convo I had with Honey last night that had me LMAO! This is kind of a follow-up to the post on the jagged scar Honey’s working on after banging his skull when he was trying to fix the water leak. *shakes head* Here’s the setup. I’m in the kitchen – doing what else? Cooking when Honey comes in. Did I mention his mood always gets lighter *looks right at you* if you know what I mean, when the food room fills with delicious aromas.

He comes around the counter and bangs his hip on the corner, swearing, “#@&! that’s going to leave a bruise.”

Me, without turning away from the stove. “Can I help you with something?”

He grabs me from behind and growls in my ear, “How about you put the sauce on the back burner and we take a siesta before dinner?”

Me thinking, ‘Oh sure. I smell like the garlic I chopped to put into the tomato sauce. Absolutely, this is a great time for the smexxy.’ Out loud I joke, “No thanks. I told you this morning, unlike most ‘chicks’ who dig scars – I’m still trying to get used to it.”

“That?” He curls down and nips my ear. “Don’t worry about that. With what I have in mind you won’t be in a position to see it.”

My eyes narrow as I stir the spaghetti. “Oh really?”

“Yeah, but I can’t promise the same for the bruise I just made, so you’ll just have to suck it up along with…”

I’d go on, but it was bad. Really, really, bad. Worse? I burned my sauce because I forgot to put it on the back burner. Oh, and you know that trick about putting a slice of white bread on top of burnt rice to take the charred flavor out of it? *snap* It doesn’t work for tomato sauce. Trust me. The moral of this little Honey story? Keep him out of the kitchen when cooking is going on, or be prepared by having a local pizza place on speed dial. This reminded me of the pot roast story. >.< That was doozy too.

If you need to catch up on what we’re doing click here or here.

Anyways, here’s Larz’s scene. I can’t wait to hear your ideas on where to go from here. Heh! As a reminder I put in bold the words I incorporated that some of you sent to me. As you can see there were a lot of them – which was challenging. For the next scene I’m going to choose five to use. You can post your suggestions/words in comments – or as usual, if you prefer to email them to me you can do that too. Alrighty. Without further adieu, here’s Mr. Handsome.

 

The Unloved Wanderer

Larz’s scene

Today was no different than any other…or so Larz thought. Here he was, doing what he always did when he got to the store. He kept his head down and hunted for the products he required while looking for his Goldirella. Ever since he was a adolecent he’d been searching for her. His woman. A cross between Golidlocks and Cinderella. His ideal mate not only needed to have the right size shoe, she couldn’t be asymmetrical, or too small. She had to be his idea of perfection. Truthfully, he’d just about given up all hope of every finding her, when he snagged the avocado he wanted, and looked down.

A size fourteen wide. Open toed and not a scuff on them. The shoes that is, because the toes were, well…wizened and turned up even.

His heart rate gained speed.

The gnarled digits were stacked against one another at random left and right angles. Her corns had corns, and her bunions had bunions. Beautiful. What a challenge it would be to cobble her hobblers. He wasn’t going to get his hopes up though. He’d need to see the whole package before he swooned.

Licking the drool from his lips, he slowly lifted his gaze from her toes to her ankles. His pulse pounding in his ears when he spied the wilted stocking circling her leg like a flaccid condom around a lamppost. No discernable ankle bones, how intriguing.

His gaze traveled higher, while he devoured the sight of her unshaven legs and deeply dimpled knees. The kneecap puckers complimented the mottled and dented surface of the skin on her thighs not hidden by her gabardine skirt.

Rawr!

Larz was staking claim even before he got to her hips that curved out in luscious teardrop-shaped handles a man could take hold of and drive until his heart’s content.

Double rawr!

Then to his utter delight, triple rawr, once he searched higher. Her breasts ran into her stomach, or her stomach ran into her breasts, either way it was a turn-on. He couldn’t stop himself. He tilted his head all the way back to see the color of her hair, and that’s when he sucked in a breath. She was giant. Hulking. A massive testament to the existence of an Amazonian race. A brute, a beast, the most spectacular female warrior he’d ever seen. When she regarded him his knees knocked together and he nearly dropped to them to pay homage to her loveliness.

Her eyes were black and beady. Narrowed to slits with just the right amount of squint to claw into him. She was a goddess. The Rodent Queen of Disdain. A pillar of fiendish fickleness. He had absolutely no idea what he’d done to earn her contempt, but far from being upset by it, he relished her scorn. It gave him a chance to hear her congested sniff, before she turned that hawk-like nose toward the ceiling and looked down upon him with a regal rat-like glare. His every thought focused in on her front teeth. Would they also be louse inspired? Bucked and sharp? Paired close together?

He shivered at the thought. God, to be gnawed on by such a pretty pet of powerful proportions! The visual nearly undid him. Images of her using those teeth on him while he ran his hands through her grease-laden hair, filled him with an excruciating lust, so profound and primal he almost ripped off his coat, sweater, overalls, shirt, undershirt and man-bra to ravish her amongst the Kumquats. That vat of fruit may have been farther away from them than the avocados were, but the colorful orange skin of the ’quats would be more of a contrast against her green-tinged complexion. Maybe the wicket full of bananas would be a better bed with which to defile his Amazon queen.

When he turned to gauge the distance to the prospective love nest she pushed past him. The wind of her departure hit him at the same time as the echoing thuds of her heavy footfalls departing – shook the fruits. Where was she going? He couldn’t let her leave. He’d just found his Goldirella!

“Miss? Miss, wait. Please.”

He rushed after her undeterred that the faster he followed her, the speeder she became. Up one aisle, and down the next. She sailed through each lane like an Ironside cutting through placid ocean waves. Quick enough to stay abreast of him to be sure.

“Miss? Can I have a word with you?”

There was no break in her stride. It was as if she were a speed walker hopped up on a case of RedBull.

He took in deep gulping breaths to keep up with her. This was the downside to being grossly underweight. He had no need to exercise, but for her he would. One look at those sagging handlebar hips jiggling as she stomped, and he decided he’d eat raw oysters by the handful and pump iron for hours at end. When the bottom half of her turned to the right and the rest of her was stuck angled off to the left in a crooked slouch he knew one thing. He’d do whatever he had to do to pleasure her. A body like that with feet that offered a challenge? Hell yeah. The man in him was ready to win, but the cobbler within wanted to sin.

“Waxing poetic? It must be love,” he whispered. In a louder voice he called to her, “Please don’t go. I know you wanted an avocado. I have one here. You can have it. Let me help you finish shopping. I shall be your humble servant and de-shelve all your desired items for you.”

She hurried through the potato chip aisle and navigated the beer section with ease, before she rushed out of the automated doors toward the parking lot. He couldn’t let her go. He’d follow her home if necessary.

When he got to the glass doors he stumbled through them, trying to keep up the pace. There was shouting behind him, but he didn’t care. He remained strictly focused on landing his one true love. He almost made it too, until he reached the curb and lost his footing altogether, crying out, “Oh, no! The avocado!”

Thankfully she must have heard him. She swung around just in time to pluck the spinning fruit right out of mid-air. The last thing he saw before he face-planted on the concrete was her man-hand dwarfing the green as if the food item was no bigger than a Ping-Pong ball.

Damn. Such powerful proportions…

After the initial thwack of cheek meeting asphalt, Larz closed his eyes and was ready to sink into another fantasy starring his Amazonian Princess of Perfection when muffled voices reached him. He fought to remain conscious, knowing he had to get up to follow his dream lover. Maybe if he focused in on the voices. Yes the voices.

“Security! Not so fast there, lady. Hand over the fruit.”

“Did you get them, Bob?”

Them? Larz heard a second voice and was confused.

“Yeah, Attila here seems to be tongue tied, but I imagine the little guy is going to have plenty to say once he comes to. He’s the talker. He couldn’t shut up the whole way through their stealing spree.”

Spree? Larz forced his eyes opened and then groaned when the noontime sun blinded him.

“Gee, I’ve only been the store manager for two days. What do we usually do in a case like this? Should I call the police?”

“No. I’ll bring them to the back office and hear what they have to say. They better not try and pull the old, ‘we didn’t do anything’ routine. I can’t tell you how sick I am of that.” He pushed Larz with the toe of his uninspiring shoe. “But I’m a reasonable guy. If their story is entertaining enough, banning them from the store for life will work for me. Are you good with that?”

Larz heard the woman he’d already determined to be the new store manager let out a relieved breath, before she said, “Oh yeah. I’d hate to see two people—”

“Perps.” The security guy interrupted.

“Get in big trouble over a measly avocado.”

“Measly? The way Attila is hugging the fucking thing you’d think it was a diamond.”

Every ache, pain, and discomfort instantly disappeared when those words registered. The goddess was hugging his fruit? Larz shifted and with great effort looked up. Their eyes locked and an emotion he’d never felt before began to bloom inside him. Was it—?

“Officer, please stop grandstanding with your incorrect assumptions and help my dear husband up. Immediately.”

Lust. Raw and raging lust. It had to be. A woman who could think that quickly on her gargantuan feet was someone Larz wanted to be manhandled by.

“I don’t care who the hell he is. You and him are coming to my office.”

Larz didn’t say anything while he let the guy help him up. He would have gone with the security guard quiet as a lamb sleeping in a haystack if the goddess hadn’t chosen that moment to shatter the peace by announcing to the growing crowd…

(End of scene one)

So, what happens next? I need five words and a direction to go in for her announcement. Any ideas? Honey had a good one. I’ll share it first of the week. I cried laughing. That man. *shakes head*

Here’s the giveaway reminder items with more added. We have this:

And this:

And now these. A Rene magnet and a David Post It Note pad. Remember his notes? Haha!

 

Thanks for stopping by. If you have any words you’d like to see written in – any crazy ideas to make Sherm and Larz’s love story spectacularly unique please share them! Remember, every time you comment or make suggestions your name gets added to the hat for the giveaway when this epic love story is finished.

Riley