C.L. Raven's Blog, page 8

Skeleton Crew

Today was finally the day. The day we’d been looking forwards to for months. We were going to meet one of the most famous men in Scottish history: William Burke, of Burke and Hare fame, thanks to Iain Campbell at the Anatomy Museum. Most people get excited at seeing celebrities. We get excited at seeing the skeleton of a man executed in 1829 for murder. This may explain why we’re horror writers…

Even though Burke and Hare are known as the most notorious of the Resurrectionists, that’s technically a lie. They didn’t dig anybody up – they murdered 16 people between 1827-1828 and sold their bodies to Doctor Robert Knox to be dissected. Hare then turned King’s evidence on Burke and escaped without punishment, while Burke was hanged before a crowd of 20,000, publicly dissected and his skeleton was put on display in the Anatomy Museum in 1870, where he’s been ever since. Although having now read about the history surrounding the case, we have to say, Hare was the vilest of the two men – Burke at least felt remorse – and yet Hare was the one who got away with it.

us making friends outside the armoury.

One of the reasons we wanted to see Burke’s skeleton (apart from the fact our NaNoWriMo novel is about the Resurrectionists) was because Burke and Hare were the reasons we wanted to visit Edinburgh years ago. We’d had no desire to visit it until we read about them. Suddenly, Edinburgh sounded like a cool place, with its division of Old and New Town. It was years until we’d battled enough of our social anxiety to go, but had we not heard about Burke and Hare, we might never have fallen in love with Edinburgh.

The Anatomy Museum is open to the public on the last Saturday of every month. But we were in Falkirk doing the book signing. When we realised the dates clashed, we emailed the museum, asking if there was any chance we could see him on another day. Our last visit to Edinburgh consisted of us asking at every museum we visited “do you know where Burke’s skeleton is?” We explained that our next book was on the Resurrection Men and that we’d be in Edinburgh doing research for it. We didn’t even expect a reply, so were shocked when Iain emailed back, inviting us for a private viewing on the Monday. We have to say a massive thanks to him for taking the time to let us see Burke. The museum is well worth a visit.

St Cuthbert’s

We headed to the Anatomy museum, cases in tow, hoping Iain wouldn’t think we were planning on moving in. Or secretly hoping he’d let us. We ended up taking a roundabout route, but we got there. Probably should’ve studied the route better. But that’s not what we do. We entered the uni after Cat failed to open the door and a student came to her rescue. He must’ve clocked the look of confusion and slight panic on our faces, as he asked what we were looking for. We explained we were looking for the anatomy museum, so he told us where it was – up several flights of stairs. Why can’t our luggage walk like Luggage in Discworld? And eat people. We heaved our luggage up then found the museum. Cat asked in the reception about Iain, so the woman phoned him. It was kinda obvious we didn’t belong in the uni. Not sure it was the suitcases and hiking rucksack or our lack of intelligence shining through like gout.

St Cuthbert’s

Iain was lovely and took us up the rest of the way in the staff lift, to save us lugging our suitcases up. We stashed them in the corner of the museum so they wouldn’t become a trip hazard. We talked to him for ages about the Resurrectionsts, our plans for the book and our interest in anatomy. He revealed they’re doing public dissection lectures. Guess what we’ll be doing in Edinburgh next year? :D Every year, Edinburgh finds a new excuse for tempting us back. Edinburgh, stop playing games and just admit you love us as much as we love you. Iain let us have as long as we wanted in the museum. There were some students there studying. We were trying to be quiet so we didn’t disturb them, but Lynx’s knee decided to click loudly every time she passed a student. It does the same during EVP sessions when we’re ghost hunting.

the watchtower

We weren’t allowed to take photos, unfortunately. Burke is shorter than we thought he’d be. But it was great to finally meet him. He has 2 wonky toes on his right foot and his middle toe is missing as well as some teeth. Iain told us he once took Burke to France in the back of his car. That would’ve been the best road trip ever! Though we wouldn’t have been able to resist posing with him at all the tourist spots. There was also the skeleton of another murderer, standing back to back with Burke. He was the last person to be dissected. We spent ages looking at all the specimens. The museum sadly isn’t as grand as it once was. There used to be five floors of exhibits, but it all got scaled down and most of their artefacts are in storage, which is a shame. The public need to see it! We were there for over an hour and were sad to leave Burke. It was surreal to finally meet him after spending our last visit to Edinburgh hunting him down like Prince Charming seeking Cinderella. And there he was, one of the most famous murderers in Scottish history, standing before us in a glass case.

We waved goodbye to Burke and headed down Candlemaker Row to the Grassmarket and stopped in a cafe for Tom and Amy to have breakfast then went to the armoury and witchery shop to replace a keyring we lost. The witchery shop has the card case made out of Burke’s skin. In the armoury, they had a Davies (our real surname) coat of arms on a pinbadge! So we bought it. The Davies motto is rubbish: ‘without God, without everything, there is only God.’ We’re adopting ‘we had badass dragons.’ Also bought sword pens and a sword letter opener.

inside the Jekyll and Hyde

As we weren’t far from St Cuthbert’s, which has a watchtower, we went there. We didn’t think we’d have time to visit the watchtowers – there’s another one in Carlton Hill cemetery – so it was an unexpected bonus. As we’ve never been in Princes Street Gardens, we walked through there to get to St Cuthbert’s. Tom stayed on a bench outside, as his legs were hurting, so us and Amy went exploring. We thought we’d found the watchtower and went right up to the front door, photographing it, but it turned out to be the caretaker’s house. Whoops :D There were people camping in the kirkyard! There was a shifty looking guy with a camera, who kept staring at us like we were the shifty looking ones. Avert thy eyes, judgemental sir! There was another part to the graveyard and the watchtower was there. It was built in 1827 to deter the Resurrectionists.

As we headed out to go to Shakeaway, we stopped to have a play in the children’s play park. We all had a go on a hammock and spinning thing then we went on the swinging beam. Amy managed to pick up a playground related head injury on the monkey bars :D She swung underneath them and clocked her head on another one. It’s rude to pass playgrounds without going in them. We don’t need kids to access them! There were a couple of parents in there with their kids. We like to think we taught them that just because we’re adults, doesn’t mean we have to be boring.

preparing to sample cocktails

We had our traditional vegan Redbull milkshakes in Shakeaway then went to Jekyll and Hyde, our joint favourite Edinburgh pub. Amy was asked for ID the minute she walked in :D We had the Gluttony and Humility cocktails, Amy had Kindness and Tom had Death. We also had chips. We weren’t hungry, but it was gone 2 o’clock so we thought we ought to eat. The barman had really pretty eyes. We’re suckers for pretty eyes. We amused ourselves in the pub by making up dialogue for the film, Invaders that was playing on mute. That was followed by an old episode of Doctor Who, which we also gave new dialogue, which included a love story involving The Doctor and the baddie’s beard. Some people will shoehorn a love story in anywhere.

haven’t even had our cocktails yet

We returned to Princes Street Gardens to try to find the genius statue for architecture. After exploring the entire gardens, we couldn’t find it, so we found a stone and posed for our own genius statue. Turned out, we’d walked past the statue twice. (Amy Google Imaged it in the airport) Amy even commented on the statue as we passed it. Epic. Fail. We joked that maybe only true geniuses could find it. That sadly turned out not to be a joke. Why did we not Google Image it while we were there? We’re not geniuses, that’s why.

Mackenzie sampling the cocktails

Made our way to the bus station and got to the airport in plenty of time. Our case was 21.6kg! How was it heavier? We’d sold most of our books! Lynx set off the bleepers, had to go through the body scanner then got a very thorough pat down. The woman should’ve bought her dinner first. She spent a long time pressing Lynx’s ribs, even though the scanner didn’t show any metal there. No, there was nothing hidden there – her ribs stick out, that’s all. As Cat and Amy were grabbing their stuff from the trays, Cat heard a security woman say to two elderly women “I can get you both off at the same time.” Didn’t realise that service was provided in airports. Travelling really opens your eyes! Cat was then assaulted by a woman’s handbag and a guy tripped her with his case, both assaults happening within seconds of each other. If that was Fate’s attempt to take her out, it was a poor effort.

Cardiff airport has an ostrich!

When we got to the gate, we had a go on these shiatsu massage chairs after Tom convinced us they were worth the £1 for 5 minutes. They’re supposed to be relaxing! They friggin’ hurt! It was like being poked really hard! We got pummelled in the ribs and arses. And they crushed our legs, trapping us in the chair. We’re clearly too bony for them. We paid for that torture and spent most of the 5 minutes squealing. Yes, it was filmed. Whereas Tom had a lovely neck rub, as we’re short, the bit that squeezes your neck, tried to crush our skulls. After we got off them, two little kids had a go. They were laughing and claiming the chairs tickled them. Clearly sadists.

zombies imminent

Our mum had arranged to meet us outside the airport. We’ve never flown from Cardiff, so weren’t entirely sure how to get out. We headed across the car park and kept going. The roads were deserted. It was like the start to a horror film. We began our holiday by wandering the outside of the airport and it ended the same way. At least we’re consistent.

Genius does suffer without statues

Digging up the Dead

Falkirk Wheel

After only 4 hours sleep, we were up, ready to start our Falkirk adventure. So the day was sponsored by Red Bull – keeping us awake for shenanigans since 1998. Yes, our love affair with Red Bull is longer than a lot of relationships. Our first stop of the day was the Falkirk Wheel, which joins the union canal to the lower Falkirk canal. Apparently they do Halloween boat tours. The Narrow Boat of Terror has a starting point! And it now has a name – TerrorNova. For those who have never heard of the Narrow Boat of Terror, gather round and take a seat. Come closer, we won’t bite ;) Our mate Andrew and us often have post-cinema chats in the car park ’til one a.m., where some of our best conversations take place. You know how most people, when they have crazy ideas, have other people drag them back to reality with annoying things like logic? Andrew doesn’t hobble our creativity in that way. He joins in. And by joining in, some of our greatest ideas are born. None greater than the Narrow Boat of Terror. We plan to buy a canal barge, paint it black, decorate it with skulls, hang a large Jolly Roger off the back and cruise the canals of Britain, terrifying everyone. We even discussed the possibilities of taking it out to Poveglia Island. (Don’t tell us this won’t work, we know that. Just enjoy the journey.) Anyone who knows horror films, know the monster/murderer walks while his prey runs. Because walking is more sinister. So floating slowly down a canal will be more sinister. It will be a place where Halloween never dies. And now we’ve found a place to launch it. Though this will probably go about as well as that time we nearly bought a watchtower in Barry…Still narked about that.

us at the Antonine Wall

We then walked to the Rough Castle Roman fort and the Antonine Wall, which is the edge of the Roman empire. It’s a grassy hill with a ditch either side and the Roman fort can’t be seen, apart from the undulating ground where the walls once stood. It’s like nature is trying to erase the Romans from memory. There are plaques telling you where particular buildings stood, what they were used for etc. They had underfloor heating, double glazed windows, regular baths. Yet after they disappeared, it took until the 20th century to ‘invent’ these things.

the anti-picts ditch

The official legend is that the Romans built the wall there because they believed they were at the edge of Britain. Scottish lore says they were terrified of the Picts and built the wall to keep them out. Like the wildings in Game of Thrones. There are still the defensive ditches, which were holes they dug and lined with pikes to stop the Picts. We leapt over the holes like invading Picts, and thankfully, were not speared by phantom Roman spikes. That would’ve been a sour end to the trip.

John de Graeme’s tomb

We then went to the Trinity churchyard, which has the tomb of Sir John de Graeme, who was William Wallace’s right hand man. We found an ominous object – a foam machete spattered in fake blood and paint. There was only one conclusion – a clown met a terrible fate in the graveyard during Halloween. Nobody mourned its passing. We photographed it as evidence then moved on. We saw the Mercat cross in Callendar Square and a pub where Robert Burns stayed. One day, Travelodges will have a plaque saying ‘C L Raven stayed here’. Or perhaps ‘C L Raven stayed here. Sorry about that. Full refunds are provided with your breakfast bag’.

Callendar House

We made a quick stop at Callendar House. Unfortunately, it had just closed for the winter season, but we were able to walk around the grounds. Every time we tried to take a photo in front of the house, the sun would pop its golden face up and turn us into silhouettes. We know we only had four hours’ sleep and were probably looking haggard, but this was harsh. At least we’ve found the first of the Scottish Casa Ravens. Hey, if the queen can have palaces in Scotland, so can we.

the Scottish Casa Raven

After that we went to see the Kelpies, which are 100 foot high horse heads, built on what used to be wasteland. They were beautiful. They’re modelled on real Clydesdale horses. Julie’s never been there so she was glad to go. Our next stop was back to Culross to see the village in the day. It’s such a cool place. Beautiful in daylight, atmospheric at night. We walked up to the Abbey again to explore. There was a steep ladder to an upper area, which reminded us of the dungeons in the Eyrie in Game of Thrones. That was scary going down. We posed on stone pillars – that was tricky setting up a self-timed photo, as Cat had to run, jump on her pillar and pose. In ten seconds. But we have mastered self-timer acrobatics. Then we climbed up a wall to find a “do not climb on the monument” sign. That might have been helpful at the bottom! Don’t judge us now, sign.

Culross Palace

at the top of Culross Abbey

We explored the churchyard. The carvings on some of the graves were fantastic. We were beginning to lose the light so made our way to St Bridget’s kirk in Dalgety Bay. Resurrectionsts used to steal bodies from here and row across the Firth of Forth back to Edinburgh, so we wanted to see it for ourselves. We saw it on our Twitter friend, Suzy’s excellent blog Britain’s Forgotten Bodysnatchers and had to visit it. It was a longer walk than we thought it’d be, but it was well worth it. We didn’t expect the church to be ruins you could explore. After exploring the kirk, we went down into the graveyard. Couldn’t help wondering how many graves actually had bodies in them.

St Bridget’s Kirk

The graveyard overhangs the bay, so we found a way down so we could see how easy it would be to get a body down. It wasn’t high so it wouldn’t have been a problem. Though Edinburgh looks a hell of a way across the Forth. It would’ve taken ages to row across. There was a group of teenagers in the graveyard, so god knows what they thought as we discussed the logistics of corpse retrieval. It’s ok, teenagers, we’re writers! The watch house was on the outer wall, facing the woods, so we had to go out of the graveyard to photograph it. The window faces the woods – not the bay or graveyard. That’s useful then. No wonder the Resurrectionists were so successful!

Capturing a body snatcher

By the time we got back, the next train was in an hour, so we cwtched Penny and Roxy until we had to leave. Julie drove us to the train station and waited with us on the platform to make sure we got on the right train. The train to Glasgow left from the same platform. We ended up sitting several rows apart as the suitcase takes up one floor space by itself. We got back to the apartment at 7 p.m. We debated about whether to get chips from Rapido. It was in New Town and Cat’s knee had been bad all trip, resulting in daily use of ice patches, so we didn’t fancy walking. Luckily, Tom fixed the wifi so we were able to get online and check it out. They did home delivery! Minimum spend was £5, which was 2 large chips. Perfect! So we went on our first solo train ride and ordered our first takeaway. Check us out adulting like pros! Yes, we realise people probably do this at like 16, but at 16, we were were suffering badly from depression and social anxiety, which resulted in a break down, leaving us unable to leave the house. So for us, this was a big achievement.

Culross honoured us. Well, Cat.

And to continue the theme of bodysnatchers, the next day was going to start with meeting one of history’s most infamous bodysnatchers: William Burke. We couldn’t wait.

stylish bodysnatchers

This was Halloween

We’d set our alarms for 6:15 but they betrayed us in the worst possible way. Lynx woke at 7 after a stress dream about missing our train. Way to taunt her, brain, rather than doing something useful and actually waking her. Can’t get the staff these days. We had an hour to get ready and get to Waverley Bridge. We got there with a few minutes to spare but the person in front of us at the ticket machine took ages and the machine to a while to figure out so we missed the 8 a.m. train we wanted. There was another one at 8:15. We got to the platform at 8:05 after Lynx’s suitcase got jammed in the barrier and had to be rescued. We’ve never attempted to master public transport by ourselves (social anxiety makes things like that impossible) but we didn’t have a choice. We had to get to Falkirk. Once again, we rued leaving our glasses behind as we couldn’t read any signs. Luckily, we’d researched it online before we came to Edinburgh, so we knew which Falkirk station we wanted and headed for that platform. A train pulled up not longer after we arrived, ruining our opportunity to take a photo as plague doctors by the tracks. We didn’t get on it because ours wasn’t due for 10 minutes and we didn’t want to get on the wrong train. Everyone else got on it, like they knew it was their train. How do people know these things? We swear that everyone else has been given a manual on how do things – like using public transport, social interaction and how to behave like normal human beings – yet someone forgot to give us the manual so we have to work it out by ourselves. Lynx asked the conductor – it was the right train. The suitcase had to have a seat space to itself, so Lynx sat with it while Cat had a table and four seats for her, the briefcase trolley and rucksack. We donned our masks and hats and took photos of us as plague doctors on the train. The conductor walked past and said “I forgot it was Halloween.” Strangely, we had half the carriage to ourselves. Can’t think why.

our stall

When we arrived at the station, we spotted Julie across the platform. Actually, she spotted us and waved, so we knew it was her (refer to yesterday’s post about people being faceless blurs). We just had to get across the tracks. We eyed the steps leading to the bridge then eyed the suitcase full of books which weighs half our body weight and is half our height. Why must we be the size of pixies? Where are our hunky man slaves? Oh right. Helping the beautiful, Barbie members of the female populace. Sighing defeatedly, we teamed up and lugged it up the many, many steps. It bounced happily down the other side. Sarah, if it’s more battered that when you lent it to us, we’re sorry. But…steps. And books. And no hunky man slaves.

l-r Lynx, Megan, Imogen, Cat

Julie drove us to Callandar Square shopping centre. We set up our stall then waited for people to arrive. We met Dee who owns Trinity Moon and her daughter, Ellie and a couple of the other stall holders. A woman looked at our stall and said her daughter had one of our books and wanted us to sign it. We then met her daughter, Imogen and her friend Megan. They were lovely and ended up hanging out with us until 2 p.m, which made the day even more fun.

us with Facebook friend, Amanda

One of the stallholders, Tracey, gave us two glasses with dripping blood as a gift. We bought handmade photo frame and dragon’s eye notebook from a stall holder called Heather. She bought a book. We sold 36 books! 16 The Malignant Dead, 6 Soul Asylum & Disenchanted 5 Romance Is Dead, 4 Deadly Reflections! Can’t believe it! Don’t think we’ve ever sold that many books in a month. At the moment, a good month is selling two ebooks. Yeah, our sales suck.  We suck. Judging by our usual monthly sales, we must be the worst writers in the history of writers. Maybe we should write something involving terrible dialogue, bondage and spanking and earn millions. Think that’s already been done though.

us with Julie

We also met our Facebook friend, Lauren. Apparently, we’re her favourite authors after Margaret Atwood, which is one hell of a compliment we’re not worthy of. It surprises us that people actually bother to read our books, let alone enjoy them, rather than just buying them out of obligation because we’re friends/family/they feel sorry for us. Lauren was joining us on the overnight ghost hunt, so after the fair, we went back to Julie’s to dump our stuff and meet her dogs, Penny and Roxy. If we’re honest, we were just as excited to meet the dogs as we were for going ghost hunting. After a quick stop for food and dog cwtching, we all headed to Culross Palace.

The village of Culross is a fantastic place! It’s a historic village with cobbled streets. We wandered up to the abbey before everyone else got there. There were 13 people in total. We did a group walk around with Lee, the medium, doing his spiel. Then we had a break then split into 2 groups. Us, Julie, Lauren and 3 other women were with Lee in the north block. We went into a room by ourselves. but didn’t get anything. We then went downstairs by ourselves. And heard dragging on the ceiling. We shouted up to see if anyone was moving.

vigil in the north block

Nobody was. We heard it again a few more times, along with fast tapping. We shouted up – nobody was moving. No idea what caused it. There are bats there so maybe they had something to do with it – tapping morse code and dragging the corpse of a tourist who refused to pay. Hopefully the cameras picked it up. Cat also got really itchy in that room on her side, back and round her right boob. Lee said one of the ghosts had a skin condition, like eczema. The itching stopped once she left the room.

in the laird’s room by the curtain that moved

We had another break then went up to the family room to do glasswork. We never participate in glass work or ouija boards with people we don’t know or trust implicitly. It’s too easy to fake it, whether consciously or unconsciously. So when we do public ghost hunts, we never volunteer to take part. The glass was extremely active. We would’ve like time to use it by ourselves. We then all separated. We went into the laird’s room and sat by the bed. Schofield and Linus (Lynx’s back and Cat’s bad knee) weren’t happy so we had to keep sitting down.

upstairs in the north block

Lynx was attaching her bracket to her camera, as it had come undone when Cat asked for the curtain to be moved. It moved. Cat “that was Lynx moving the curtain.” Lynx “no it wasn’t.” She hadn’t touched it, or at least wasn’t aware she’d touched it. Her arm couldn’t reach so it may have been the bracket or it could’ve been shadow play creating the illusion of movement, as Cat’s torch was pointing at Lynx at the time. Hopefully the camera can tell us what happened, as it was on a chair, filming us and the curtain. We then went into the adjoining strongroom, but didn’t get anything.

downstairs where we heard dragging & tapping

We regrouped, had another break then everyone went to the family room to use the glass with a ouija board. Again, we didn’t join in. So we napped through it instead. Bear in mind, we’d only had about 6 hours sleep the night before, from being down the vaults. We’re great at napping sitting upright. We went back to the north block and did an EVP session in the upstairs room. A woman, Morag, did the calling out. They played it back and Morag and Lee claimed to hear responses, but we couldn’t hear anything other than the static. Her voice was quite muffled on it. Another of the team, Helen, played it back on her DVR.

Culross village

Her recorder was much clearer, the voices were louder and sharper during the calling out, but it picked up nothing. Morag played hers again and again claimed to hear responses. Lee commented on how the expensive Panasonic ones, which she had, seemed good at capturing EVPs. But we believe a muffled DVR can sound like responses in the static when it is really just static. If there were responses, why hadn’t Helen’s DVR picked anything up, when it was obviously better quality?

We finished the night in the townhouse. We didn’t do anything in there, but it was cool to see it, as it’s where the old tollbooth was and where a witch tried to commit suicide. We left at 3:15 and dropped Lauren off. Julie made up the couches for us to sleep on. We had a surprisingly good night’s sleep, even if it was only 4 hours.

with Lauren and Julie

Under the Skin

Surgeon’s Hall Museum

There was one place in Edinburgh we’ve wanted to visit since last year, but it was closed for renovation. This September, it reopened: the Surgeon’s Hall museum. It had one item we were desperate to see – a pocketbook made from William Burke’s skin. William Burke, along with William Hare, murdered sixteen people between 1827-1828 in order to sell their bodies to Doctor Robert Knox for dissection. They’re known as the most infamous resurrection men, but they never actually dug anybody up. And after Burke was executed (Hare turned King’s evidence and got away with it despite being the more evil of the two) a pocket book and card case were made of his skin. The card case is in the witchery shop in Victoria Street. Now we got to see the pocket book. Yes, we get ridiculously excited about the strangest things. Our zumba teacher once said “you walk a mile to find a vegan cafe, but get excited to see an object made from human skin.” Yep. We’re paradoxes. The Surgeon’s Hall museum was the first place we were taking Tom and Amy to as an introduction to Edinburgh. This is what happens when you come on holiday with us. We make you look at dead things in jars.

us at Edinburgh castle

The museum was fascinating. Level 3 was dedicated to the history of surgery from the 1500s to the 1900s, which was perfect as our new book is set in 1828 and features the body snatchers. Naturally they had a section on the resurrectionists. And they had the pocketbook made from Burke’s skin! As well as his death mask. So we’ve seen the card wallet and the pocketbook. The skeleton is the last piece of the macabre puzzle. Sadly we weren’t allowed to take photos inside the museum :( There was also a mock up of an anatomy lecture theatre.

Level 2 was the pathology level and was divided into different body parts, all pickled in jars. So there was a section on knees, kidneys, eyes, heart, etc. And 2 display cases of skeletons with scoliosis. Lynx was made to stand between them, as she has mild scoliosis. We spent a long time finding a skeleton that matched hers. The display cases proudly showed off their specimens, each one clamouring for our attention. We didn’t know which side to start on! When confronted with rows and rows of dissected organs, how do you pick? It almost seemed wrong to get hungry in this section. Heat in Las Vegas killed our appetites. Staring at pickled organs in Edinburgh did not.

One area on anesthetics told of a story of a doctor using ether in a demonstration The patient woke during the operation and fled, locking himself in the toilet. The doctor, described as a determined man, chased him down, kicked open the door and carried the screaming patient back to the operating theatre to finish the procedure. That has to go in a story somewhere.

Tom and Amy went to the cafe so we headed down to the lower level and looked at more specimens that covered the two world wars and injuries sustained there. We didn’t want to leave but we were really hungry by this point and the lure of shortbread and Red Bull was too great to resist. As we were stuffing our faces outside, a woman commented on lovely our outfits were. We thanked her and tried not to spit crumbs out. We didn’t know there was a cafe and had no idea where it would be. Lynx spotted a black sign near the entrance, but we’d left our glasses at home as we didn’t have room for them. This was a mistake. Yes, we realise we could’ve worn them instead of carrying them, but vanity won’t allow this. We lived to regret this for the rest of the holiday.

us in Frankenstein’s

Normally we get away with it by having someone with us with perfect vision who can read things like signs and road names and because we don’t need glasses most of the time, we can pretend we see the world in 20/20 vision. Seriously, who needs to see details on trees? Or to see people’s faces from afar. So if you see us from a distance and we don’t appear to have seen you, we’re either not paying attention, or you’re a faceless blur. Like Slender Man. Most of the time people probably look better through our vision. But there were many times on this trip we were alone. Without perfect vision. Fortunately, we came up with a plan – we switched on the camcorder and zoomed in on the sign. It was pointing to the cafe. We then realised we’d missed out the dentistry section but met up with Tom and Amy instead. We could’ve easily spent half the day in the museum, but we had a list of other things we wanted to do and we didn’t want Tom and Amyy to get bored, so sadly decided to leave.

Gladstone’s Land luckenbooth

We stopped at Tesco for soya milk and Red Bull then Sainsbury’s for crisps and chocolate. That was less exciting than the museum but it can’t be body parts and pickled organs all the time. Dropped our shopping at the apartment then went to Frankenstein’s for lunch. This is our most frequently visited place in Edinburgh. Tom and Amy tried haggis. We tried a new dish – fries. Shocked everyone with our bravery. We got to see Frankenstein come out of the generator on his stretcher! All our visits to Frankenstein’s and we’ve never seen this. So we’re still experiencing new things, despite Edinburgh being an annual destination.

Our next stop was Gladstone’s Land, which is a tenement made up in the 16th-18th century style. It has a Luckenbooth (a kiosk) so we wanted to visit it as Luckenbooths feature in our books. It was really cool – bigger than we thought it would be inside. People outside had a raven, Lenore and an owl so we took photos of them. The raven and her sister, Nevermore were going to lead a ghost tour.

Writers’ Museum

We wandered up to the castle to look for the armoury, but couldn’t find it, so headed back down to the Writers’ museum. No wonder we’ve never found it – it’s down Lady Stairs Close. The museum’s dedicated to Robert Burns, Robert Louis Stevenson and Walter Scott.

We’ve only read Jekyll and Hyde and other short stories in a collection by Stevenson, but it was still interesting. One day we’ll be in there. Even if we have to hide our books among the exhibits and invent Scottish ancestry. We headed back to the apartment then worked our way down Cockburn Street and went to the Dungeons! We visit here every time we come to Edinburgh. Had to queue for ages! The photographer, Stan, was hilarious. His phrase “terror in the eyes, jazz in the hands” has become a highlight of our trip. We asked if we could keep him, but he said he’s feral and can’t be tamed, so we offered to drag him out by his ankles. We have such a gift at talking to people.

the only guy willing to accept kisses

The Dungeons were brilliant as always. They had a new attraction with a green lady ghost and the Mary King close bit was different, with the buildings collapsing. The resurrectionist bit was different too, where instead of Burke and Hare choosing victims, we were part of the watch and a woman came out of a sarcophagus. We bought the cuddly judge this time (now named MacKenzie, after the famous Bluidy MacKenzie. We bought the executioner, Ketch, last time), as well as plague doctor keyrings, had a torture wheel keyring free (this may come in handy for…research), we also bought a little anatomy table and ‘cos we spent £20, we got a free Sweeney Todd clock! And Stan gave us a free photo.

Lynx with MacKenzie and a friend

We headed back to the apartment and decided to take a rare evening off. We packed our stuff for Falkirk then we all played Murder of Crows and 2 games of Gloom. Tom and Amy went to chill in their room so we set up our bed and got ready for the vaults tour, which was starting at 11, so we had couple of hours to kill and spent it reading.

us and Nichol

We left at 10:35, thinking the mercat cross was ages away. It was practically outside. So we sat on a statue to wait for everyone else and got a lot of funny looks. One guy even commented something about Halloween. Think he was referring to our clothes. Hey, every day is Halloween! Our tour guide, Nichol was fantastic. He was creepy and funny. He tried to creepily outstare us. Some women shrieked and fled. We stared him down, being even creepier, and we weren’t wearing Halloween makeup like he was. We started at the mercat cross. Cat felt herself tip, as though she was standing on a wonky paving slab and someone had stood on the other end or pushed her. But her slab wasn’t wonky and nobody was behind her.

Nichol told a story about a traitor and demonstrated the torture on an unwilling victim, who took to playing a torture victim really well. Then we moved into Borthwick’s Close where Nichol told us about the infamous Major Weir. After that we went into the vaults. We will never get bored of the vaults. One girl was picked to stay at the back of the group to make sure everyone stayed together. She was terrified and wussed out. We heroically took over. Well, we always stay behind for photos and time alone in creepy places. That’s the same as being heroic, right?

When we were in the safe vault, Nichol mentioned a pregnant tour guide being attacked by a female ghost. Lynx could’ve sworn a woman walked past her right side and stood behind us. She eventually turned to look. There was nobody there. So it might’ve been the shadows of the women in front of her on the wall and Lynx’s hair over her eye. The camera wasn’t on, so we can’t verify this. It was now midnight. It was now Halloween.

We were allowed to wander for 10 minutes so we instantly split from the group. They all stayed together in the safe vault for ages, too scared to venture off. We were off before he’d finished speaking. Time alone in the vaults? No way were we passing that up. We managed to lose everyone and do a bit of ghost hunting. But mostly we spent our time taking photos and talking about what we had experienced on camera. As everyone else stayed together, they were easily tracked for regrouping. Nichol had to come and find us. Why does everyone notice when we disappear? Damn it people, let us be alone in the dark vaults. We were rounded up and taken into Mr Boots’s vault. After the tour, we hung back, taking photos and trying to see if we could hear the footsteps that we’d heard the last time we were in these vaults. Sadly Mr Boots didn’t seem to want to visit us this time. We grabbed Nichol for a photo and begged to be able to stay the night.

Lowland Fling

Just when we thought we wouldn’t make it back to Edinburgh this year, our Facebook friend, Julie, invited us to do a book signing and launch of the The Malignant Dead in Falkirk on Halloween, as part of Callendar Square shopping centre’s Holistic Halloween fair. Trinity Moon in the shopping centre stock our books. You know what’s close to Falkirk? Edinburgh. So we booked a trip and took our mates Tom and Amy with us. They’ve never been to Edinburgh. Our usual Edinburgh buddy, Neen, is working on Galavant and couldn’t come.

Cat hijacking Thunderbird 2

Our trip began unusually peacefully. Cardiff airport was dead. Zombie apocalypse dead. We half expected to see mangled corpses riding on the baggage carousel and getting patted down at security. We wandered over to the baggage check in and weighed our case – .6kg over. Luckily, Tom’s bag had 10kg to spare so 4 copies of Soul Asylum and our batteries hitched a ride in his bag. It turned out to be a self serve bag check in. So much better! And we didn’t argue with it like we do with supermarket machines. Although Cat failed putting the luggage tag on by not watching the on screen instructions. Then we went upstairs and found a ride on Thunderbird 2 for photos. You know your holiday is off to a good start when your first photo is you riding a kids’ Thunderbird. Got through security no problem. What is this witchcraft? Again, hardly anyone there. We were suspicious. Did everyone else know something we didn’t? Then we had 2 hours til the flight. So we spent it wisely – eating shortbread, drinking Red Bull and bitching about how we couldn’t get on the free Wi-Fi.

Lynx Thunderbirds are go!

We were meant to board at 5:30 but didn’t get called til 6. Most of the flights were to Amsterdam. Before one D&D session, our group spent a while discussing taking a group holiday to Amsterdam, hiring prostitutes and taking them for a lovely day out to the funfair. And maybe getting them to be non-playing characters in our latest campaign. Had Cardiff airport overheard this? Were they trying to make this a reality? On board the plane, we ruined the air steward’s safety routine. That’s a first for us, but we think it’s a fine achievement. During the safety demonstration, he tripped when turning around to demonstrate how to tie on the lifejacket. Cat & Tom laughed then Cat said he nearly gave us a totally different demonstration. He tried really hard not to laugh, but we were determined to break him. The more he fought it, the redder he became. Then when it came to demonstrating blowing into the tube on the life jacket, he wouldn’t look Cat in the eye and then he laughed. Us 1 air steward 0. They are human after all.

We landed earlier then expected then accidentally went out through the back of the airport. But we got a great photo opportunity with us each standing in a giant letter of the Edinburgh sign. Couldn’t find the air link bus. We were certain they were always right outside the airport. They are. Out the front. We found a tram ticket place. £8 each return. We couldn’t remember how much the bus was and went looking for it. Turned out we’d come out the wrong exit of the airport so we had to walk back. Found the bus. £7.50 each. And there were loads of roadworks, which we probably would’ve avoided with the tram. We couldn’t lug our case up the stairs, so we stayed down while Tom and Amy went up. A Canadian guy invited one of us to sit by him and let Lynx put her bag on his lap while she squeezed in. That’s gentlemanly behaviour you don’t see every day, especially as her case weighed 13kg. Cat rode on her suitcase. Hey, we travel in style.

Got in to Edinburgh past 8:30. Then walked up Cockburn Street, turned right onto the Royal Mile and kept going. We knew exactly where we were going! We know Edinburgh well. We laughed in the face of maps! When we got to George IV, we realised we’d walked too far and had to turn around. Tom brought a map up on his phone. We ended up in Bells Wynd, which is basically like an alley and a guy asked if we needed help.

Cockburn Street

He thought Tron Square was slightly back the way we’d come. We got the tablet out and found the directions the apartment owner, Wendy gave us. Then Lynx went one way and Tom went another, leaving Cat and Amy with the luggage and feeling like every horror cliche was being used: splitting up, random person appearing to be helpful but isn’t, railings clanging, place that doesn’t exist… All we needed was lusty teens and the slaughter would begin. But luckily Tom found the apartment. It was probably too cold for teens to be cavorting outside.

our apartment

The apartment was lovely. It had one bedroom and a sofa bed. And it was in the perfect location for all the places we wanted to visit. In our usual style, we dumped our stuff then headed out. We like to hit the ground running on holiday and don’t stop until we’re on the plane home. Turned out, we’d walked right past Old Assembly Close, which takes us directly to the apartment. It even has ‘Tron Square’ with an arrow pointing! Fail. We went to Frankenstein’s but it was absolutely packed, so we went to Nando’s instead. Going to Frankenstein’s on our first night is a tradition! Way to ruin our tradition, hen and stag parties :( A curse on both your houses! May your marriage fail miserably ;)

St Giles cathedral

Not Holding a Grudge

The cellar

Hiding in the cellar, rescuing a frog and possibly experiencing actual paranormal activity. Last night we returned to Woodchester Mansion for Team Impact’s last Horror Night of the year.

We were torn between going to this or their Halloween party. But the party usually has about 200 guests and we’d end up ghost hunting anyway and getting annoyed when drunk party guests contaminated our EVPs. You know those weirdos who stand in the corner at parties, avoiding eye contact and silently praying they don’t have to engage in awkward small talk? We are the weirdos, mister. Though we were kinda tempted to show up unannounced at the party and stand outside the windows in our plague doctor costumes. But we decided the horror night was the better option. We can mask our social awkwardness much better when ghost hunting. Us “We’ll skip the group stuff and go spend time alone in the dark cellar that everyone hates.” Yep. Totally masking it.

We were meeting up with Tony and Dave beforehand and surprisingly didn’t get lost trying to find Tony’s house! Though we did get stuck in traffic on the M4 and arrived late. But arriving late is kinda what we do. But Dave was also late. We’d envisioned him getting eaten by cows, but this wasn’t the case. Tony gave us all a lift to the mansion then Team Impact set up for Horror Night while we claimed our seats at the front and started setting up our equipment. Most people bring a handbag. We bring all our ghost hunting equipment, tripods and food so pretty much take up half the drawing room by ourselves. People had been told they could bring blankets as the mansion is unfinished and gets very cold. Us “Lightweights” as we shivered our way through the film and threatened to rob Tony of his padded coat.

Lynx coffin dodger

The night started with a history tour around the mansion. As we’ve been on two horror nights before, Paul let us go down to the cellars alone. We cause less trouble alone. Actually no, we cause more trouble alone, it’s just no one sees it :D We had half an hour of getting distracted by the Halloween props and trying to remember to ghost hunt. We also got into a coffin that was down there. We’ve been inside a morgue fridge, so a coffin was next on our list before our Goth badges are revoked. We were still in the cellar when the group ventured down, so we hid in one of the rooms and waited to be found. People came to the doorway and shone their torches in while we lurked in the shadows, trying not to giggle. No one found us. So when everyone was in one room, we joined them briefly then left.

Cat coffin up

The film for the night was The Grudge. We haven’t seen it in years so it was good to see it again. Then it was time for ghost hunting! We joined in with the group vigil (check us out being sociable) and we all went to the servant’s corridor. We spread out down it, with everyone lining the walls. Except Cat, who was halfway down another corridor by herself. Lynx was standing in an opening to another corridor at the end by Paul and everyone saw a flash of light go across her. Our cameras weren’t on (buggeration), neither were our IR lights and everyone’s torches were off. It was pitch black. There was no light source to cause this. Normally we cause a lot of light anomalies – we wear a lot of jewellery and light reflects off it – but that’s when there’s a light source to reflect. Cat heard female voices in the distance, having a conversation. She thought maybe she was hallucinating or there were people elsewhere in the mansion, but we were all together.

Lynx in the shadows

Then we moved to do a vigil in the chapel. Everyone was holding hands, except us and Paul, who were standing in the corridor. Again Cat heard the female voices. After the vigil, she mentioned them to Lynx. Lynx heard them too and also thought maybe there were other people around. We told Paul what we’d heard. He’d also heard them. This was our fourth time in the mansion and we’ve never heard them before. Though we then found out that Jack and Laura heard them when they went to the mansion and Neen heard them in the basement during the first horror night.

Shadow Cat

The group were then split into two, with Team A doing EVP sessions on the top corridor with Tony and Dave and Team B doing vigils in the cellar with Paul. We returned to the servant’s corridor to see if we could recreate the light anomaly and see if we could hear the voices again. We did hear voices, but this time we think they were the other groups. We returned to the chapel but couldn’t hear anything. We also hung out in the mortuary and kitchen, but it was all quiet. Except for this weird ticking noise that seemed to follow us. We thought it was a clock. There are no clocks. Cat checked her watch, but it wasn’t that. It seemed to be around Lynx. After about twenty minutes of moving around, trying to find the source of the noise and praying it wasn’t Poe’s Tell-Tale Heart, we finally found it – one of the batteries in Lynx’s IR battery pack was ticking. Like a bomb. So we ignored it and carried on.

Cat’s camera battery died, despite having an hour left and being fully charged before we’d come. The K2 meter’s battery followed suit. We met back up with Tony, who was fetching new batteries for his equipment that had died. He told us they’d been experiencing things, so we joined his and Dave’s group in the top corridor for an EVP session. Everyone heard a bang coming from the drawing room, where no one else was. Paul kept going to check as they were all hearing noises there too. Dave heard ticking and Lynx mentioned her battery. He checked and that wasn’t the noise he heard. We swapped the battery out. As it was in Lynx’s pocket, she didn’t fancy it detonating and ruining her hoody. People also heard a blast of static, but it wasn’t captured by the recording device.

Frog rescue

Then it was time for everyone to split up. We frogmarched Dave down to the cellar. He hates it down there as he had a really bad experience there but we made a deal – he comes to the cellar with us and we’ll let him send us photos of him dressed a demon clown for their Halloween party. You know how we feel about clowns. Next thing we know, it’s three clown photos in exchange for cellar time. He drives a hard bargain! But we were determined to get him in the cellar. And he didn’t feel bad down there! We like to think our presence frightened any bad spirits away. We are usually the scariest things in any haunted location. Everyone else was on a mouse hunt. Team Impact had hidden numbered mice all over the mansion and they were worth a prize. Cat to Lynx “You know as soon as we leave this room, we’ll get distracted and forget to look for the mice. ” We got distracted ghost hunting and forgot to search for the mice. Paul reminded us when we left the cellar, so we made a conscious effort to find them. We found a real frog in the mortuary, so took it outside. One of our tweeps told us that might have been Prince Charming. Damn. We set him loose in the woods. Our Prince Charming is probably now in a predator’s digestion tract. Mice! We were meant to be finding mice. We checked all the obscure places we’d hide them – like inside the bathroom taps, up the chimney and under decorations. Turns out, unlike the snake twins we played in Witches Abroad, we are hopeless at finding mice. We should’ve brought our snake, Charlie. At the end of the night, Paul and Chris gave us a mouse each, so we were happy.

We then went with Chris and two other guests back to the lakes. It was actually warmer outside than it was in the mansion! Or maybe our thick coats we’d donned made a difference. The thick coats that we didn’t use to keep ourselves warm during the film. The lakes are so eerie. The water is still. Leaves just sit on top of it. There weren’t many sheep out and they ran when they saw us. It’s ok sheep, we only repel ghosts. And people. You’re safe with us. When we got back, it was 4 a.m and everyone was doing one final vigil in the kitchen. We decided to be sociable again and joined them. Again, another light anomaly flashed across Lynx. This one had a weird blue zig zag line in it. Her camera and IR light were off. Everyone’s torches were off. Cat’s camera was on, but the screen was closed, so it emitted no light and she wasn’t standing beside Lynx when it happened. And she wasn’t pointing in her direction. (Damn blast and even more buggeration.) Again, everyone saw it.

The night finished at 4:15 so while Paul and Chris escorted everyone out of the park, we headed down to the cellar with Tony and Dave to use a ouija board. Cat’s camera battery suddenly died, despite again having plenty of minutes left. So she went back upstairs for a new one. Then her tape ran out. So she went back upstairs with Tony, who also needed new batteries. Ouija never work when we’re on them and once again, the spirits refused to talk to us, despite our brilliant lines of questioning. Maybe they don’t appreciate humour.

We wanted to sleep here.

We left at 6 and got back to Tony’s around 7 so we could fetch General Pinkinton. We’re very impressed Tony managed to stay awake for the drive back, as we were struggling. He offered us the use of his settees for a few hours so we wouldn’t have to fight to stay awake for the rest of the way home, so we accepted. We can’t die yet – we’re going to Edinburgh next week to launch The Malignant Dead. We have plans, Fate! Plans! Tony’s gorgeous cat, Anoushka, made a massive fuss of us, purring and giving affection. Not like our judgmental cats who demand to know where we’ve been. So this blog post has been written on two and a half hours’ sleep. Which means that either we’re functioning pretty well on two and a half hours’ sleep, or that our regular blog posts seem like they’re written by the sleep deprived.

L-R Tony, Lynx, Dave, Cat

Rainbow Brite

Neen only had one place she wanted to visit in San Francisco, apart from Alcatraz – The Castro, San Francisco’s gay district. So for our last day, we spent the morning there. We knew we were getting close when we saw rainbow flags hanging from buildings. The Castro’s really cool and one of our favourite areas, along with Fisherman’s Wharf. On this one crossroads, instead of zebra crossings, they have rainbow crossings! We insisted on crossing all of them. They also have the rainbow honour walk, where they have large golden plaques of gay celebrities, or people who fought for LGBT rights, along with their picture and what they did. This is so much better than the regular walk of fame, which tells you nothing about what they did to earn their star, other than being famous. There were also small plaques detailing the history of The Castro from the 1700s to 2013, which was really cool. It’s clearly an area that is proud of its past and that’s great to see. We love history, so to have an area’s history integrated into the pavements was brilliant. Plus we always look at our feet when we walk, so it gave us something to read too :D

Harvey Milk’s house

Harvey Milk, the gay politician who was assassinated, lived there and his house is still there. There’s a painting of him in a window. After his murderer was only convicted of manslaughter, riots broke out. In retaliation, the police raided a bar, The Elephant Walk, and beat up the customers. It later burned down and was renamed Harvey’s. We had lunch there. They had vegan fries! They had a lot of vegan choices, or food that could be made vegan on request, yet this place wasn’t listed in ‘Vegan places in San Francisco’ when we googled places where we could eat. We also had an adult raspberry drink made from raspberry vodka, lemonade and raspberry liquor, which was lovely. It was a great place and the menu had the bar’s history in the back. Every time we bought alcohol in America, we were asked for ID. In Harvey’s, Cat was on a really high chair so leaned down to get her ID from her bag, holding onto the table so she wouldn’t fall off. The table started to tip. So she let go. Then her chair tipped, nearly pitching her into our waiter. She climbed down. We’re not built for high chairs and causing a pile up in a pub wasn’t how we wanted our San Francisco adventure to end.

rainbow crossing

We headed back to our apartment for our bags then lugged them down to the BART station. We were originally going to get a tram, but some people told us it was only three blocks down. Three blocks is a long way when you’re dragging heavy cases. Especially as America’s roads are ridiculously long. The BART train was in the subway. So we had to take our suitcases down several flights of stairs. Not easy. The machines then wouldn’t accept Lynx’s travel card or debit card, so we had to ask a guy from the Muni desk for help. There was no one at the BART desk. He eventually found a machine that takes credit cards, so that accepted her debit card.

We then had to take our suitcases down the escalator. Lynx nearly fell with her two, so sent the briefcase trolley down by itself while she got the other one on. Cat just managed to fit the large suitcase on a step. We asked a woman if we were getting the right train and she said we were. Then when we were on board, she came up to us and told us we actually had to transfer at San Bruno – she’d looked it up for us as she didn’t want us to miss getting to the airport! Some people there were so nice and helpful. We got to the airport in plenty of time, but security took so long, we only had half an hour before boarding the plane. One man in the security queue complimented our tattoos, saying he’d never seen such badass ink. Thank you, kind sir! Our films for the way back were Ant-Man (brilliant) Jurassic World (the dinosaurs were fantastic, the lead female should’ve been eaten from the start) and a horror, Maggie (boring.) And security didn’t confiscate our decorative dagger! Ok, it was in checked in luggage not hand luggage, but still. Cranberry and Raspberry squash in unmarked bottles – Very Bad. A dagger that could carve out eyeballs and cause panic in the airport – Perfectly Acceptable.

Oscar Wilde’s rainbow honour walk

We only managed a couple of hours of sleep on the plane. Again there was no choice in the vegan meal. So we chose not to eat it. We weren’t given breakfast. Clearly vegans don’t eat breakfast. Dear god the woman in front of us was possibly the vainest person we’ve ever met. She spent the entire flight reapplying foundation (she was already wearing it) for ten minutes at a time, then she’d spend half an hour at a time in the toilets and went several times (either she a terrible case of the squits or was using the time to further Barbify her face) then she’d constantly put her hair in a ponytail, take it out, mess with it, put it back in a pony, twist it round. Twist it round again. And again. Put more foundation on. Twist her pony tail. We were tempted to do a nature style documentary voice over for her. “And here we have the female Vainius Maximus, who spends 23 hours a day grooming herself. Easily identified by their immaculate appearance, their inability to ignore their own reflection and their lack of personality.

Harvey’s, formerly The Elephant Walk

They can often be found doing duck face in reflective surfaces and Instagraming their perfect faces in public toilets.” She did her makeup with her compact mirror then her hair with her phone’s camera. We should’ve pulled faces and photobombed her. After doing this constantly for the entire flight, she looked no different. She put her hair in a ponytail just before landing then as soon as we landed, she took it out then spent the whole ten minute walk to baggage, messing with it. We were tempted to cut it off – it was clearly bothering her. She got off the plane looking like a supermodel. After 9 hours of being on the plane, our hair was flat in places, our red eye shadow was smeared under our eyes and our fishnets were even more torn. Maybe we should spend more time on our appear- sod that we’ve got better things to do. Like world domination. You can’t achieve world domination by looking in a mirror.

The Castro theatre

As we got to baggage reclaim, we were going to text our mum to say we’d landed. We couldn’t find Stormborn (our Smartphone) anywhere. We emptied the rucksack – not there. Lynx had taken photos with it on the plane then didn’t put it back. We went to find someone to ask who we should speak to. He sent us back down to baggage reclaim to find the Virgin Atlantic desk. The guy there took the details then told us to come back when we’d got our bags. Our bags didn’t come ‘til 1:30. Our coach was at 2:10 so we were starting to panic. Lynx returned to the desk, but nothing had been handed in. She was given a number of the lost property to phone when we got home, after the cleaners had been. Considering we knew where we were sitting when we lost it, we were confident we’d get it back. Two weeks later, no one has handed it in :( Stormborn has clearly been stolen. Tesco has blocked the sim and phone and we had a passcode on the phone anyway, so to whoever who took it, if we find you, we will act out a scene from one of our stories on you. And it won’t be one of the rare happy scenes! It’ll be one of the ones from the Romance is Dead trilogy. Yeah, you heard right. Is that how you want your life story to end? With a lovespoon?

one of the information plaques

Our coach was on time. We slept until we reached Newport. We slept much better on the coach than we did on the plane. There was so much traffic when we hit Cardiff and Sarah was stuck in it on Western Avenue. We got home at 7ish. Bandit was so excited to see us! He didn’t know what to do with himself. He was running back and forth across the settee. He’s never that excited. He normally just waves a front leg at us then rolls over, flashing his armpits. He then couldn’t settle for the evening. We were glad we were home in time to put our rabbits and duck to bed, so we wouldn’t have to wait until morning to see them. We said hello to Peking and she gave an almighty quack, like she was pleased we were back. It’s nice to be missed. The cats all flocked, demanding feeding. Even our adopted stray, Moussy, appeared. We celebrated our return with ice cream (proper food at last) and spent the evening unpacking and washing our clothes. Continuing living the high life! We went to bed at our usual time (half midnight) then got up at our usual time of eight a.m. No jetlag! Perhaps having bad sleeping patterns for seventeen years is good for something.

us in Harvey’s. Great bar, great fries, great drink

Escape from Alcatraz

Today was the day. We would be visiting the number one place on our haunted locations bucket list: Alcatraz. To say we were excited would be a massive understatement. Think Jason Vorhees on Thursday 12th. Think Freddy Krueger at bedtime. Think Leatherface at a chainsaw sale. Except we wouldn’t be butchering teenagers in hilariously creative ways. We’re saving that for Halloween ;) We started the “Alcatraz! Alcatraz!” chant from the moment we got out of bed.

We caught a tram to pier 39 and found the Alcatraz gift shop! We’d heard there was a gift shop and threatened to blow our budget in there, but we weren’t sure where it was or if it truly existed. Y’know, like unicorns and happily ever afters. But there it was, looking at us with its ‘come hither’ windows and we were powerless to resist. And like we promised, we spent more in that one shop than we probably had all holiday. Absolutely no regrets. Especially seeing as it was other people we were spending money on. Though we did buy ourselves Alcatraz pyjamas.

We wandered to the harbour edge and found sea lions sunning themselves on jetties. They were so cute. But they stank. There were loads of them! They were clambering over each other and making noises. We spent a long time looking at them and took a ridiculous amounts of photos of them. Cuteness must be captured. Then we looked up. We could see Alcatraz in the distance!

Next we went to Madam Tussauds. We posed with Johnny Depp at the entrance – we didn’t need to see anymore, but we’d paid so we went in. The models are so detailed – even their body hair. There were some that we had no idea who they were – some sports stars and pop stars. We played Madonna’s ‘Like a Prayer’ then danced with Madonna. We played a drum kit (badly) and had a disco with John Travolta. Well, he was on the dance floor by himself.

with Al Capone

It seemed rude to make him dance alone. Luckily the other tourists were not around yet. And they even provided dressing up clothes and props for us. We’re buggers for dressing up. There were sparkly black jackets for posing with Michael Jackson, red hoodies for posing with ET and a bathtub with a knife for Alfred Hitchcock. There were three of each jacket – it was like it was made for us. We also sat in a cell with Al Capone. Seeing as we’d hopefully be meeting his ghost later, we couldn’t pass up the opportunity. At the entrance, we posed with Captain America. We didn’t grope this one though. Sorry Cap, but there were witnesses and we know you’re a good Christian boy.

We then headed to pier 45 to meet Marcia before going to the Gold Dust for a drink while we waited for our Dungeons tour. We got to discuss favourite punk rock bands with the barman and tried convincing him to switch the American football game off in favour of his punk rock DVDs. MCR were on there! Jesus Christ their vodka measures are generous! We had one vodka and lemonade and were tipsy. First time we’ve ever gone to the Dungeons drunk. It started with the gold rush guy, Sutter. Marcia had to spin a wheel to determine our fate. It landed on retribution, so we went into a lift and went down to a talking head, which might have had something to do with the gold rush. After that, we went to the torturer, who, as usual, picked a guy to demonstrate the anal hook and chappie chopper. We chanted ‘chappie chopper!’ throughout his torture. After that was the judge. Lynx got picked as Black Bart, a poet and thief. The judge accused her of 28 crimes. She corrected him. It was 29. We then went into Miss Piggots’ bar, where we were all shanghai’ed. Sadly, the boat ride was under maintenance so we went to the doctor, who picked a guy who had the plague. The final part was Alcatraz with the ghost of a dead prisoner who played a harmonica. That was the best part.

Psycho Lynx

We went back to the Gold Dust, but we had Red Bull this time, as we haven’t liked any of the vodka and lemonades we’ve had in America. There isn’t enough lemonade. For food, we went to the Hard Rock Café. Their fries are vegan! And we ordered a red berry press, with vodka, and fruit at the bottom, which you crushed to get the flavour. It was delicious! We only bought one between us, because it was large and we haven’t had much luck with drinks. It was by far the best we’ve had, apart from the strawberry Dakari in Vegas.

Cat and Audrey Hepburn

Then it was time for Alcatraz! There were well over a hundred people queuing. We didn’t think there would be that many. We knew instantly any atmosphere the jail contained would be killed. We kinda hoped we’d be put on two separate ferries and the first ferry would get hopelessly lost, or hijacked by the sealions. Sadly, we were all on one ferry. We kept watch for the sealions. We stood outside at the bow so we’d have the best view for arriving. We tried to read our information on route, but every time we started speaking, a woman gave everyone facts about Alcatraz for the whole journey, so we couldn’t do it. Hey, we’re trying to be professionals here! It was sunset as we crossed so we got some gorgeous shots of the Golden Gate Bridge with the sun going down behind it. And of a pelican flying past the sun, which was perfect, as Alcatraz means pelican. The trip over was smooth – Lynx didn’t feel sick once. A ranger asked why everyone was at Alcatraz. No one spoke up. Lynx “Ghosts!” Neen “Don’t say ghosts.” Cat “Dead people!” No one else offered a reason for their visit.

In 1775, Spanish explorer Juan Manuel de Ayala, discovered the island and named it La Isla de los Alacatraces, or Island of the Pelicans, as they were its first inhabitants. In 1850, president Millard Fillmore signed an order claiming the island for military use. In 1859, the US Army established a fort there and installed 100 canons around it, which guarded San Francisco Bay until 1907 when it became a military prison. Prisoners included Confederate sympathisers and those accused of treason during the Civil War. Native Americans were also held there, including 19 Hopis from the Arizona territory for land disputes with the federal government. Alcatraz was also home to the first west coast lighthouse. During the early 20th century, inmates built a new 600 cell block, which still stands, along with a hospital, mess hall and other buildings. They finished in 1912 and it was deemed the world’s largest reinforced concrete building.

guard house and sally port

In 1933, the army gave Alcatraz to the US Justice Department to house criminals too dangerous for other prisons. It opened July 1st 1934 after improvements were made to make it more secure. The first prison warder, James A Johnston hired 1 guard for every 3 prisoners and each prisoner had his own cells. From 1934-1963 it was a maximum security federal penitentiary, housing 264 of the country’s most infamous prisoners, which represented less than 1% of the prison population. They dubbed the prison ‘The Rock’. They were sent there for disobedience while serving sentences elsewhere. The Federal Bureau of Prisons believed staying there with sparse conditions and minimum privileges would teach the prisoners to follow rules. Prisoners spent between 16 and 23 hours in 5′ by 9′ cells equipped only with a bunk and a toilet. Famous inmates include Al Capone who was convicted in 1934 for tax evasion. He spent a lot of his five year stint at Alcatraz in an isolation cell and was mentally unstable when he was discharged.

watch tower and barracks

Robert Stroud spent most of his 17 year stretch in solitary confinement. Unlike in the film, The Birdman of Alcatraz he was forbidden from keeping birds in his cell, like he had been at Leavenworth. Another film, Escape From Alcatraz depicts the story of the Anglin brothers, John and Clarence and Frank Morris, who chipped through the walls of their cells, hiding the holes with cardboard grates. They made a raft to escape and were never caught. Alcatraz’s most dangerous prisoner was George ‘Machine Gun’ Kelly, who served 17 years for kidnapping and extortion. Gangster Alvin ‘Creepy Karpis’ Karpowicz, who was listed as Public Enemy Number 1 by the FBI in the 1930s, spent 25 years at Alcatraz, more than any other prisoner.

There were 14 known escape attempts, involving 36 prisoners. FBI reports state 23 were captured, 6 were shot and killed during the attempt, 2 drowned and 5 went missing and were presumed drowned. From May 2-4 1946, 6 prisoners overpowered wardens and were able to get weapons but not keys. They killed 2 correctional officers and injured 18 others. The US Marines were called in, resulting in 3 of the prisoners dying (Bernard Coy, Marvin Hubbard and Joe Cretzer) and three others put on trial. 2 received the death penalty. During it’s time as a prison, 8 people were murdered by inmates, a guard was murdered in the laundry room in the 1930s, 2 died during the 1946 escape attempt and 5 inmates were killed in random attacks. Five committed suicide and many died trying to escape.

water tower

It’s reputedly haunted by Native Americans who died on the island during the American Civil War and at the military prison. Prisoners who after serving time were deemed insane reported hearing whispering in the middle of the night, floating blue lights and figures, moaning and chains clanking in unoccupied cells. One prisoner in D Block saw glowing red eyes and screamed for hours. In the morning he was found dead with a purple face, bulging eyes and strangulation marks around his throat.

the morgue

Guards initially dismissed the prisoners’ stories until they experienced stuff too – cold spots, fingers on the backs of their necks and crying in the middle of the night. The first warden of Alcatraz, James A Johnston heard a woman sobbing while he conducted a tour of the jail. Prisoners saw other prisoners wearing 19th century clothing from the military prison and someone else saw a gang of Native American prisoners marching in a circle before vanishing. There have also been phantom gun fire, cannon blasts and fire alarms going off on their own.

us with Ranger Tim

The Warden House, which is now a burnt shell after the Occupation of Alcatraz is haunted. During a party, a man in a grey suit with mutton chop sideburns and a brimmed cap was seen. He left the room icy cold and extinguished the fire in the Ben Franklin stove. A phantom lighthouse materialises in the fog of San Franciso Bay.

hospital wing

Former inmate Leon ‘Whitey’ Thompson also worked as a guide and visited the prison many times before he died in 20005. He believed Alcatraz was haunted and often felt watched. He believed the prison was damned. He was friends with another inmate, a Texan called Johnny Haus.  He last saw him when he left the prison on 25th October 1962 and knew he’d never see him again. But in the 1980s when he was in a cell, waiting for a tour, he saw a large, dark figure at the end of the Michigan Avenue corridor. It walked around the corner and out of sight. From the way it walked and the feeling it gave off, he believed it was Haus.

in the hospital wing

Screams, clanging and crying have been heard. A ranger reported hearing banjo music coming from the old shower room once. Only one prisoner was allowed to play his banjo in the prison – Al Capone. Another ranger also heard the banjo in the shower room and visitors to that area report chills there with one visitor saying he felt fingers touch his neck but there was no-one behind him. Sounds of a harmonica being played have also been heard.

Robert Stroud’s cell

George ‘Machine Gun’ Kelley apparently haunts the church with Alvina ‘Creepy Karpis’ Karpowicz haunting the kitchen and bakery. Voices from the hospital wards are heard. A husband and wife claimed to have heard canaries in the Birdman’s cell and saw him reading a book, but he wasn’t allowed to keep birds in Alcatraz.

operating theatre

While in cellblock D, Ghost Adventures step inside the solitary confinement Cell 13 which many have seen glowing red eyes responsible for killing an inmate and examine the 1953 escape attempt.  D Block is apparently the most haunted, with 4 of the 42 cells experiencing activity, especially cells 11,12,13 and 14. Cell 14 was the solitary confinement cell (the hole) and is the most haunted. It’s permanently cold, even in summer and 20-30 F colder than anywhere else.

In Block C Utility Passageway, where a bloody uprising took place in 1946, a National Park employee heard loud, clanging noises, but the sounds stopped when he opened the door. When he closed the door, the noises started again. In the Hospital ward for the maimed, crazed prisoners, park personnel have heard voices. Also in Block C, in 1984, Ranger Rex heard the loud sound of a heavy door swinging back and forth while he was on night duty. He could find no logical explanation for it. Abie Maldowitz (aka the Butcher) apparently haunts C Block. He was murdered in the laundry room.

In Blocks A & B, loud screams have been heard, along with running footsteps and crashing sounds. Cells in 14 D were the infamous solitary confinement cells. Steel boxes were kept here. The cells are always cold and psychics feel intense impressions, with stronger impressions being felt in the corners of the cells.

Officials for Alcatraz dismiss any claims of it being haunted.

When we docked, we managed to get left behind to take photos and film. A ranger was hanging back, rounding up the stragglers, so we convinced him to have a photo with us. We didn’t think he’d say yes, but he did. Tim Cook, was his name and he’d only been there 3 weeks. You know our talent for seeking out the newbies at any haunted location. We were the last into Alcatraz and we asked if we could visit the hospital before the audio tour, hoping we’d have it to ourselves. They let us, but we only had two minutes before everyone else joined us. The hospital is only open for the night tour. It was quite funny watching everyone dutifully file around with their headphones on. We were the only ones doing our own things.

We were trying to film information about Robert Stroud, the Birdman of Alcatraz, but at no point were we alone in the cell. We feel self-conscious doing info pieces in front of everyone, but in the end, we had no choice. Then the tourists just kept coming, so we made our way back downstairs to the audio tour starting point. As much as we wanted to listen to the audio, we were too excited and we wanted to listen for anything paranormal. We couldn’t ghost hunt and listen to a tour and we only had 2 hours there. The parts of the tour we heard were really good – they have former guards and prisoners talking to you. We’ll have to go back and do a day tour with an audio tour. No, day tour without the audio then another tour with it. Hell, just give us the damn prison for a night by ourselves.

solitary confinement

We hung around in the cell areas, taking photos when everyone else had gone. Yep, over 100 people on the tour and we managed to lose them all. So long, tourists! Footsteps and voices are heard in B block, so wanted to try and experience them. Then we found the notorious D Block! In cell 14, the most haunted cell, Cat & Neen felt seasick, like the cell was swaying. They also felt it a bit in cell 13, where the demonic red eyes are seen. We asked a worker, Mike, to lock us in a solitary confinement cell, so he locked us in cell 12. We were only allowed 2 minutes, but he gave us 2 and a half. As we’d waited, about 12 people came out of that one cell. We wanted to be locked in alone. It was pitch black.

D Block

By the time we finished, others were having a demonstration on how the doors worked. We didn’t come all this way to watch a video on people locking cell doors. Put key in, turn key, click. We have the gist of it. We came to find ghosts. Mike came up to us and asked if we wanted to go back to the hospital. Alone. When someone comes up and asks if we want to go to a dark, haunted area of a prison, alone, “Hell yes!” is the only sane response. We snuck up with him and he locked us in, leaving the lights off. He also took us to the out of bounds psych observation cells! We had exclusive access. See what happens when you break off from tours? You get taken off into dark, forbidden areas by a member of staff.

dining hall

We returned to the cell area and interviewed a female ranger about the ghosts. She hadn’t experienced anything spooky. Then we noticed how quiet Alcatraz had become. Everyone else had left. We were then herded out. Neen disappeared halfway down and we had no idea where she was. She eventually came out of the theatre. She’d gone down some steps and through a secret tunnel they apparently told us about. We didn’t hear them so we’d missed it. We were gutted. We gave Ranger Tim one of our Calamityville business cards. We were going to give one to Mike, but couldn’t see him and had forgotten to do when we were with him.

inside a secret tunnel

The boat ride back was beautiful, as San Francisco and the bridges were all lit up. We definitely went at the right time – sunset on the way, night on the way back. Marcia left when we landed so we went back to the Hard Rock Café for another drink – it’s our last night in San Francisco, so we didn’t want to head straight back. Russian tourists wanted a photo of us and we had a conversation about our Panasonic Lumix with a Native American man, before pointing out to the barman the crappy pop songs they were playing were NOT ‘Hard Rock’, therefore the restaurant name was false advertising. The barman agreed with us and said that unfortunately it was down to popular opinion. Us “we want hard rock and the customer’s always right.” Sadly, our requests were not met and we scowled through the songs until their total shittiness drove us out.

Bristol Horror Con

A 5:30 a.m. start is bad at the best of times. It’s even worse when you don’t get to sleep until 2:30 a.m. Since returning from America, our insomnia has reared its ugly head. We think this is why we didn’t get jet lag – we’re so used to not sleeping well that our bodies didn’t even notice. Wait one moment…we function normally without eating, without sleeping, our hands are ten degrees colder than everyone else’s, we’re always pale, we hate garlic and we can’t be out in direct sunlight for long. *Looks around suspiciously. Shuffles away from anything wooden or stake shaped. Hisses at a crucifix.*

But we had a good reason for being up at such a horrific hour – today was Bristol Horror Con. It was our first ever con as traders, so we were hoping to at least make the money for the table. Our mum and sister who make jewellery at Brillioso Beads supplied us with keyrings, bookmarks and necklaces, and our friend Hayley’s aunt, Lynne, made bracelets for us to sell to help reach our target. Thank you Mum, Sarah and Lynne, you’re stars. Seeing as we haven’t sold a single book all month, selling one would be a bonus.

We set off at 6:50 a.m. as the sun was just peeking over the clouds to see what the hell we were doing up so early. It was all going so well until we reached sign posts our route planner didn’t mention. One sign matched later directions, so we followed it. We were wrong. We stopped at a petrol station and Lynx asked the cashier where the Future Inn was. Him “is it in Kingswood?” Lynx “I don’t know.” Him “what is the Future Inn? Is it in Georgetown?” Lynx “I don’t know. I’m not from here.” Him *pointing to a guy filling his car with petrol* “you could ask him.” She left without asking him and we turned around. We figured our best plan of action was to retrace our route. We then followed another sign our route planner mentioned. It started taking us to Bath. We turned around, discarded our route and decided to head for the city centre and wing it the rest of the way. We ended up by the car park we were supposed to park in. The end of the journey went like this: “Where the hell are we? What’s the next direction? Ooh Cabot Circus car park! That’s it!”

We’d got there at 8:05 and the con didn’t start ’til 10, so there wasn’t a meltdown in sight. We spotted people carrying stuff and followed him, thinking they clearly knew where they were going. We were right. We made it to the Future Inn and headed upstairs. We were fairly early, so had plenty of time to set up. Most people had brought black tablecloths. We’d brought our spiderweb ones. We were in the middle of the room, on the end of our row, so it was easy to get out. We hate being penned in, so it was ideal. And it meant we wouldn’t have to perform any table acrobatics every time we needed to get out. Just as well. Our skirts weren’t suitable. Faceplanting on our books wouldn’t look very professional.

Stephen Cooney’s table

The first person who bought a book from us was a Calamityville fan! He’d commented on our Ancient Ram Inn episode a few days ago and mentioned he’d been there 13 times. Today he came over and said “You’re from the YouTube show! I saw your Ancient Ram episode. I’ve been there 13 times.” Cat “You’re that guy!” Being writers, our way with words is remarkable. He said he loved our episodes and loved our style of investigating, especially the zumba dancing in the witch’s room. Not sure our investigating has a style, other than ‘unprofessional’. It was awesome to meet a fan though. We don’t get to meet many. Not sure most people will admit to watching Calamityville. He bought a copy of Deadly Reflections.

We got to meet fellow horror writer Adam Millard, a seasoned Horror Con pro. Southcart Books in Walsall, who stock our books, hold authors events and Adam often goes to them. We’ve never been, but we see him in the photos so we knew of him. We spotted his red mohican instantly. It was great to finally meet him. We also met an actor who reckons we’d be good in films. We said we’d tried acting and have no talent for it whatsoever, apart from standing there and looking creepy. He thinks that could work. He’s with an alternative modelling agency and thinks they’d love us. Yeah, horror sells this time of year :D

Team Raven

Our friend Hayley joined us to help with her baby, Wyatt, who was an angel throughout. He certainly charmed the guys behind us. It was so helpful having her there, as she’s used to being in sales so was great at talking to people and telling them about our books while we skulked around assuring people the free sweets we were offering were not a prelude to poisoning or kidnapping. Plus Hayley’s read all of our books and remembers them better than we do! So she was able to recount plots to people while we pointed to Soul Asylum’s cover and said “That’s an asylum in North Wales. We got kicked out of there.” Think we our sales technique needs some work…screw it, we’ll just take Hayley to every event so she can sell for us and we can lurk nearby, trying to make eye contact.

with Cheyenne and Dugald

Cheyenne and Dugald came to see us! We’ve known Cheyenne on Facebook and Twitter for a few years and we got to meet her and her husband Dugald a couple of years ago when they came to our Cathays Library reading, so it was great to see them again. Thanks guys for making a special trip! They made us look popular, which is always good. They were clearly a good luck charm as sales picked up when they arrived then dropped after they left.

our incredible piece of artwork

We bought an awesome painting from artist Stephen Cooney. His table was in our eye line and we couldn’t stop admiring his artwork from afar. He’s truly talented and his paintings are actually book covers! Mostly in America. We couldn’t resist buying one. This is the only piece of artwork we’ve ever bought. We fell in love with it. Hayley also bought a painting of his. Check out his website here.

Team Raven’s support staff working tirelessly behind the scenes

Lots of people took photos of us. It was like being back in Vegas! One guy from Corporal Nourishment wanted a photo of us with his Psycho Juice for his Facebook page, so we agreed. Normally Red Bull is the only product we promote. One day they’ll notice us… It was great to meet so many different people and even though it was our first ever con, it didn’t feel that way. Hopefully we’ll be able to attend more. It’s certainly easier to sell face to face than it is online. We had a fantastic time and sold nine books, which is more than we’d hoped for. Thanks to Tommy Creep for organising it. He came round to speak to everyone, which was nice. We hope it will return next year and if so, we’ll definitely be there. Like all horror monsters, we’re not that easy to get rid of.

Winchester Mystery House

The day started with an exciting trip to Safeway. We say ‘exciting’ but only because it was our first visit into an American supermarket. In reality, it wasn’t exciting at all. It was just as expensive as the corner shop by our apartment. We were going to buy crisps, but a single bag of crisps in America is the size of a multipack bag over here, yet their cereals come in tiny boxes. Oh and their peaches are so large, we’re convinced a small boy and some insects live inside them. No, we didn’t try them. Would you want to be the person to accidentally eat James?

We went back to our apartment to access Wi-Fi and arranged to meet our friend Marcia as she would be joining us for the Winchester Mystery House. She very kindly offered to drive us to San Jose, where the house is. It’s about an hour south of San Francisco. After an hour of failing to find each other (not having Wi-Fi or 3G is a real pain when trying to arrange a meeting place), we met up at 12 and headed off.

The Winchester Mystery House is amazing! Just as great as we thought it would be, which is a relief because normally things don’t live up to our expectations. We should probably lower our expectations, but we save that for dealing with people. We like to have some hope in our lives. The house was incredible. Sarah Winchester’s husband made the famous Winchester rifles. Following his death from Tuberculosis, a medium told Sarah she would be haunted by the spirits of everyone killed by the rifles but the only way to appease them, would be to never stop building her house. So she bought an 8 room farm house in the middle of nowhere and for 38 years until her death in 1922, builders worked 24 hours a day, 365 days a year at a cost of $5.5 million. She paid them double the going rate.

We did the grand estate tour so we got to go round the house, the garden and behind the scenes in the outbuildings and basement. Our house guide, David was hilarious and not bad looking. And there wasn’t anyone in the group we wanted to feed into a woodchipper, which never happens. We visited 110 of the 160 rooms but weren’t allowed to take photos or film, which is annoying. We can’t produce a ghost hunting episode without filming! None of the furniture in the house is from when Sarah owned it, as it was sold off, though it is from the correct time period.

stables

Because there were so many rooms and the tour was quite short, we didn’t get to linger or explore anywhere. It was “This is…room.” Move on. “This is the…” Move on. When entering the servants’ quarters, Cat felt a weird wall of energy as she walked through the doorway, like passing through an invisible barrier then in the next room, had what we call ‘fishtank feeling’ – it’s the weird head rush feeling you get you put your hand into a tank of water and the water and light distorts things – It’s happened at quite a few locations now, but other than that, we experienced nothing spooky. Though we weren’t exactly long enough anywhere to experience things.

Foreman’s house. This was the original size of the Winchester Mystery House

A film crew was there, as they’re making a film about the house, so a small group had come to check it out, which meant we had to wait a couple of times for them to finish in a room before we were allowed to enter. Unfortunately, there were several tours going round, so even if we had manage to lose ours, we would’ve ended up in another group. We would love to explore the house on our own and do an overnight ghost hunt. Though knowing our luck, we’d fall out of the door to nowhere. We asked David if we could sleep there. He said he didn’t mind, but we’d have to be careful not to set off the motion alarms. Our sleep is as restless as a hungry zombie. That would never work.

water tower

Unfortunately, on the behind the scenes tour, there was a family we could’ve cheerfully fed to piranhas. They annoyed us before we’d even begun the tour. We knew doing two tours without wanting to gleefully and creatively murder someone would be too much to ask for. There is a reason we don’t work with people. The group we’d been with, were somehow on a different behind the scenes tour, which was a shame. We wanted to join them. The outbuildings were interesting – there was the fruit drying shed, stables, garage, car wash, aviary and basement. We were allowed to take photos and film on this tour, but we only filmed shots, not the actual tour. Afterwards, we filmed outside and did our information pieces, so hopefully we still have an episode. Hell, we’ve made episodes from less. And everyone watches them for the locations anyway. Like what we used to do with Most Haunted before deciding DIY dentistry was a better way to pass the time.

Marcia wanted to check into her hostel in Marin Headlands across the Golden Gate Bridge, and as we wanted to cross it, we went with her. We reached it close to sunset, so the sky was kinda golden. We could see Alcatraz! Her hostel seemed like a nice place – beautiful views of Golden Gate Park and the buildings are lovely. It’s like a summer camp, but partway up a hill. It instantly reminded us of Camp Crystal Lake and we eagerly awaited the arrival of Jason Vorhees’s mother. Maybe she missed the bus. We returned as the light was failing, so the bridge was lit up, then tried to find somewhere to eat. There was a place that did homemade vegan ice cream, Pena Pachamama, so we headed there. There was nowhere to park and we ended up driving around for 40 minutes. We kept saying that we had food, we were fine, but Neen insists on us eating at least one proper meal whenever we stay somewhere.

We should’ve found somewhere else. It was packed and there was nowhere to sit. The food was mostly vegan, but nothing we’d eat. Why don’t vegan places do fries? We ordered the ice cream and a hazelnut chocolate mousse. For a drink, we had the limeade, which was made from agave – cactus (we had to ask what it was). It was sharp, but just about drinkable. The ice cream was made from almonds and wasn’t too bad. We couldn’t eat more than one spoonful of the mousse and the more we drank the agave, the worse it got. This is why we don’t go to vegan places but prefer to find places that do vegan options. From now on, we’re not going to bother looking for vegan places. If a place doesn’t have something we like, we’re happy to eat our food outside then join our companion afterwards. We did it in the airports, we’ll do it in restaurants and pubs.

door to nowhere

Food is a real issue with us. We can’t eat food of certain colour, texture, strong taste, smell, or if it looks a certain way. This is why we take food everywhere we go. It’s not a case of being fussy or getting away with it as kids, we physically cannot eat it. Whenever we try new food, we actually have to force feed it to ourselves. Imagine if your spoon was filled with poison or nails but you had to try it – that’s what it feels like when we’re faced with new food. It’s like a phobia. We would LOVE to be able to go out and eat whatever was put in front of us (vegan, obviously) and we envy people who can. This is how we survived not eating in Vegas – when your diet is so limited, you learn not to eat. Fortunately, we’re much better with drinks, so if we’re hungry, we can fill our stomachs with liquid instead. Eating is very much a social thing. So we don’t socialise that much. It’s easier than having to explain your problem and if you refuse everything you’re offered, you end up looking rude. We had this problem on the planes. Everyone else got a choice of menu. Those with specialised diets were not given an option. It was ‘this is your meal’. We ate the tiny bowl of fruit and forced down the bread roll (we can’t stand bread unless it’s toast but felt we had to eat something) and that was it, the whole 11 hours flight. Next time, we’re not going to bother putting a dietary requirement and just won’t ask for meals. It’ll be better than them having to throw away our untouched food because the smell of it makes us feel sick. The air hostess at the end of the first Virgin flight brought round Love Hearts, which we can eat, and made us take extra as we hadn’t eaten. On the flight back, the bread roll was wholemeal. White bread can be forced, wholemeal cannot.

But if this day had a disappointing end, the next was bound to be better.

Roll on Alcatraz!