C.L. Raven's Blog, page 13

System Update

We haven’t blogged since November 14th – sorry about that. Or are you glad of the peace? :D It’s been pretty quiet on the writing front, as we actually got a job working with Neen in the workshop. We spent 8 days hand painting a floor for a barn conversion, even working away weekends at the farm in Newbury. It was worth the 10/12 hours days. And we actually got paid for the long hours. What’s with that? We’re used to slaving away for either free or ��2 a month.

We’ve also been busy making a book trailer for romance author Rosemary Smith for her excellent book, Darkwood. Check out the trailer here.

And you know how we love the Terry Pratchett plays that Monstrous Productions perform? We’re going to be in the next one! Witches Abroad. They needed creepy twins and after being accosted in the chip shop and begged to audition, how could we refuse? We basically just stand there and look creepy. We were born to play the role. It looks like we will be wearing long silver wigs and silver sparkly dresses. Stop laughing. Our friend Tom who comes to the performances with us is taking a lot of delight in our costumes. We have tried to enforce a ‘no laughing’ rule but with every new thing they want us to wear, this is looking unlikely. And he has the most amazing chuckle so as soon as we hear it, we will laugh. We can’t help it. The play will be on April 8th – 11th in The Gate Arts Centre in Cardiff, so come along if you want a good night out.

We’re now��back to editing The Malignant Dead. And we have some news: we’re planning to release it in June 2015, which will be the 370th year anniversary of George Rae becoming Edinburgh’s plague doctor. River Rose has already agreed to draw our cover for us, so we know it’s going to look fantastic. You may remember her from such covers as Disenchanted and Deadly Reflections. She’s already planning the cover and we are excited! Her covers inspire us to make our books even better to do them justice.

Also 2015 will mark the end of one our favourite traditions: the anti-Valentine’s stories. We’re bringing the entire trilogy out in one print book, with a bonus story. We’re sad that this will be the last time we can ruin Valentine’s but the blood had to stop flowing eventually.

We only released one book in 2014 – Romance is Dead, and although we had two short stories published (A Mermaid’s Kiss by Siren’s Call and City of the Dead by Dark Moon Digest), our sales have��been abysmal. Some months we’ve been lucky to sell ONE book a month and considering we have six out, that is appalling. By now, most other self-published writers are selling at least 100 copies a month. We haven’t��sold a 100 copies this year. Hopefully the new releases will change that. We would like to release Bleeding Empire in 2015, maybe around October time, but we’ll have to see how it goes. We don’t want to make a promise we can’t keep.

On Friday we’ll be spending the night in Derby Gaol with Scariest Places’ Simon Healy and Michael Roberts, who we recently met in Chester. If you haven’t read about our adventures, read it here. We’re hoping we don’t get fined this time, but accidents happen :D There is a party being held for Richard Felix (he used to be on Most Haunted), who owns the gaol, and somehow we haven’t been refused entry. They’re trying to persuade us to actually speak to Richard. But you already know how this will end – we’ll get over excited about something and end up sounding completely crazy. We do try to rein in the crazy when meeting new people but sometimes we cannot control it :/ The gaol’s curator, Ashley Waterhouse, was tempting us with photos of the rack and scavenger’s daughter that are in the gaol. He’s even agreed to let us go on them! Though whether he’ll let us out again is another matter. Guess it depends��on how well we behave ourselves. We’ve never met Ashley, only spoken to him online and we’re not sure we’ve come across as sane once. He’d asked where we were staying, so we told him we’d find a Travelodge. He invited us to sleep in the gaol. That’s not an offer you get every day. Naturally we said yes. The tricky part will be getting us to leave in the morning. Ashley is also the curator of the Derby Police Museum (does he have the best job or what?) and he’s promised we can dress up. It’s like he doesn’t want us to leave Derby :D He’s watched the Chester episode so he is on standby to rescue us when we get lost in Derby. There is no longer an ‘if’ when it comes to us getting lost.

2014 is definitely ending better than 2013 did (our grampy died) and although it has been��one of the shittiest years we’ve endured for a while, 2015 looks set to be much improved, mostly due to having two gorgeous puppies burst into our lives, destroy everything and help us heal after the deaths of our other dogs. We didn’t think we’d be able to cope with having dogs again but Bandit and our sister’s pup, Axel have made it damn near impossible not to love them. Meeting Michael & Simon is also a major factor in our excitement for the future. The day in Chester with them was one of our best days this year and we cannot wait to see them again in the gaol. Especially since they’ve been teasing us with naughty festive photos…you know how we mentioned behaving ourselves in the gaol… ;)

Scariest Calamityville Places

One word sums up yesterday: Bosstastic. We’d been trying (and failing) to meet up with Scariest Places’ Michael Roberts and Simon Healy since about September, when we first met. If you don’t know what Scariest Places is, you’re missing out. It’s a spoof of Most Haunted, only more entertaining and better scripted. Michael plays Merrick Alora, a psychic based on Derek Acorah, and Simon has recently joined the show as Simon ‘Scariest Places’ Healy. Check out their Kelvedon Hatch episode and the Ruthin Gaol Halloween special.

Yesterday the meeting finally happened. But as Michael was working til 12, we decided to travel up to Liverpool to see them. On Wednesday the plans changed to Chester as there are more ghosts than you can shake a K2 meter at. We checked our AA map. Simple route straight up through the centre of Wales. We were so confident we dispensed with AA route planner. Yes we should have known it would be downhill from that point. We’d tweeted about this and AA tweeted us a ghost emoji so we would finally capture a ghost on film. You don’t get that from many breakdown services :D Oddly, the drive up went brilliantly and we only took one wrong turn trying to find the services. Chester is easy to get to. We knew it was going too well.

Parkopedia told us about this amazing car park that only cost £1.5o for the day on Frodsham Street. We scoffed at the other car parks and their higher charges. For some reason, we did not print out a map of Chester town centre. No worries, we had navigation on our mum’s old smart phone. Navigation blew raspberries at us and refused to load. We got to Chester and we were driving blind. We took a wrong turn and had to go around again. On our second time, we found ourselves kettled into the Tesco multistorey. We realised this too late, as we were already on the ramp heading for the barrier with cars behind us. Balls. Luckily we weren’t charged and escaped and went into the car park opposite. Wrong one. This was the Iceland car park. We missed Frodsham Street the first time round. Chester is all one way. We had to drive through the centre of the busy town, convinced we’d driven through yet another pedestrian zone. We had to go back around. By now we’d driven past the same workmen 3 times. They started pointing. We don’t think it was “there’s that pink car from that show.”

We finally found the Frodsham Street car park. Only to discover it was only open to the public after 6 p.m. For once we didn’t have a massive meltdown. A year of multi conversion therapy has worked wonders. We sat there for 15 minutes trying to get 3G to work to find another car park. Michael and Simon were already at the clock. We had to text them and admit our car park problem. It’s never easy admitting car parks/city centres/life in general just makes a mockery of you. In the end we asked in a shop. The lady directed us to the Iceland car park, right next door. So we parked there. Turned out you could only park there for an hour so we figured we’d move the car then. We refused to drive around again. Chester and Parkopedia were now on The List. The boys came to rescue us. Seeing as couldn’t even find car parks, our hope at finding the clock without a map were…slim. Lynx paid then made a colossal error – she gave the ticket to Cat. Who stared blankly at it then put it in her pocket. Michael said when we first saw us, he couldn’t believe how small we were. We must look big in photos. We’re 5’1. We fit down mines and in some cars have to use cushions to see over the steering wheel.

Chester claims to be the most haunted city in England. But the one website we looked at (we didn’t have time to do extensive research) only listed 84 ghosts. York apparently has 504. Chester will have to bump off more residents to steal York’s crown. 2000 years ago, it was founded as one of three main Roman legionary fortresses, along with York and Caerleon. Chester was also where Edward I gathered his troops to rage war against Wales in the 13th century, and English troops sailed from here to Ireland.

102 Watergate Street experiences bumps, rattlings and cold draughts. Nobody will live there. A poltergeist lives in number 13 and moves brushes, cards, kettles and glass vases. In Leche House, the face of an old-fashioned sailor is sometimes seen at the first floor window. A young girl dressed in 17th c clothes haunts the street, as does a ghostly monk – the area is close to 13thC friaries. Ghostly sailor searches the cobbled street but vanishes in front of people. In the Watergates Crypt, spectral seaman cross this wine bar’s stone undercroft. In Stanley Palace, Lower Watergate Street a photographic negative apparition of beheaded 7th Earl of Stanley haunted the floor rooms. A grey lady in 17thC dress haunts Gallery and Queen Anne room.

A ghostly monk wakes sleepers in 14 Dee Hills Park, a Victorian gothic mansion overlooking the River Dee.

40 Bridge Street, haunted by George

In the cellars of 40 Bridge Street is ghostly ‘George’. He has been seen by the staff in the travel agency, which used to be a wine merchant’s shop. In Barlows/Ye Olde Vaults, in what is now an upmarket shop, an old landlord laments the state of his pub. In Bookland, the apparition of a Victorian apprentice boy is seen in the upstairs staff tea room. Apparently he fell on stone stairs at the rear of the medieval crypt. The spirit of unhappy 12 yr old Victorian orphan girl who hanged herself still haunts the area of old bakehouse. Unlocked doors are locked.

In the Deva Roman Experience on Pierpoint lane off Bridge Street, a spectral strangler haunts the excavated cellar. Female visitors feel hands tighten around their necks. On Lower Bridge Street an old lady greets men on the stairs of the Bear and Billet. A spirit of an angry, badly treated maid throws glasses and beermats around the Falcon Inn. In Tudor House the headless apparition on upper storey said to belong to Cavalier gentleman who had his head blown off during Civil war siege by a stray cannonball. A grey lady paces the landing. There are recurring heavy footsteps and rattling locks on top floor. A phantom child roams Ye Olde Kings Head, especially room 4. Messages appear on the mirror in that room. Items disappear in room 8. A woman experienced shadowy water at foot of her bed in room 6.

Abbey Green is haunted by a poltergeist which moves keys, wine bottles and a solid iron stove. It also locks doors.

In Anchorite’s Cell, the Groves, the terrified owners witnessed heavy oak doors smashed from their hinges.

Another George haunts the bingo hall on Brook Street. There are thumps and crashes in the attic and a figure in a tweed jacket is regularly seen on the balcony, but vanishes when challenged. Maybe he’s waiting for Romeo.

The Boot Inn in Eastgate Row was once Chester’s most notorious brothel. It’s now a pub, but female moans and laughter are still heard. We planned to send the boys in to see if they could excite the prostitutes, but we ran out of time. It was a shame. You don’t have to pay ghosts.

In an unknown street in Boughton, an old woman emerges from a cupboard, kisses two sleeping boys then vanishes, which is really creepy. Boughton Heath is haunted by a man who crosses roads in front of speeding cars, only to vanish on the other side.

Pied Bull. Haunted

Condemned criminals used to cross the Bridge of Sighs on Northgate Street from Northgate Gaol to their last rites in Bluecoat Chapel. Their sighs are still heard today. In the Coach & Horses, the modern ghost of a sad old man orders a pint, books a room then disappears. His reasons become clear later (we suspect suicide). In Old Fire Station (now a restaurant), a bewhiskered fireman in old fashioned uniform is regularly seen in the old engine room. The landlord of the Pied Bull swears the pub is haunted.

Red Lion. Also haunted.

The former landlady of the Red Lion claims the cellar is definitely haunted. On the Northgate arch, the spectral sound of hanged men buffeted against the city walls by strong winds still heard on the site of the old city gaol. That is a creepy ghost story, and not one we’ve heard of before. At Pepper Gate, beside the Newgate, ghostly horses hooves in the night, connected with elopement of Tudor couple. At the Roman Watchtower, a figure of Roman legionary in Decurion’s officer’s armour is still clear after 1900 years.

In Brown Heath, Christleton, near Chester, 2 ghostly figures in Civil War dress with buff greatcoats and broad-brimmed hats are seen at the crossroads.

An electrician working in a Georgian house on Castle Street was frightened by objects being moved. The owner seemed calm about it.

In the Cestrian Pub, City Road, loud thumping heard on upstairs floor whenever a previous landlord was angry.

Chester Cathedral

The Devil’s mark appears in Chester Cathedral. There is a record in 1906 of a flagstone in cloisters being the devil’s footprint. When it was replaced, the mark reappeared the next morning.

On the Chester Royal Infirmary site is soldier McKenzie, a well-known ghost of a WWI Scottish fusilier who died of his wounds and was buried in a hospital shroud instead of his kilt. He eternally searches for his missing uniform.

A sobbing woman in Elizabethan dress seen beneath a large tree in Cuzon Park with a hanged man swinging from its branches. Another cool ghost story with great imagery.

In Dee House on the Dee Banks, an apparition of an old woman sometimes seen on the top floor of this old telephone exchange which used to be a convent.

In Deva Psychiatric hospital (now disused), staff saw dark forms on the wards and heard strange footsteps.

In the Deva Pub, on Watergate Rows North, the horrific scene of Victorian boy who fell into fire is occasionally replayed. A faceless cowled monk is seen in old house on Watergate Row.

Eastgate Clock

Three old crones are seen beneath the Eastgate clock. They seem to foretell a national disaster.

In the George and Dragon on Liverpool Road, ancient footsteps of Roman legionary are regularly heard. The pub is on course of the Roman road from the Northgate or Porta Decumana.

In Greyfriars, in an old buttressed house alongside City Walls, a spectral apparition was seen in the doorway by Chester Chronicle photographer.

The gates of Grosvenor Park are inexplicably locked and unlocked by an unseen hand.

Two cowled and black robed monks haunted the area between Habitat on Pepper Street and the River Dee.

In a haunted alley near St John’s Church, a monk in dark habit accosts witnesses, speaking a guttural Saxon-like language. In the church, schoolboys experienced dark image of monk on spiral staircase leading to bell tower. A spectral nun with a beautiful face and wearing a bluish habit is seen by people in the churchyard.

In King’s Buildings, a sick woman experienced a phantom physician in old-fashioned hat and neck ruff sitting at her bedside. When he touched her forehead, she recovered shortly after.

In the Marlborough Arms, St John’s Street, phantom gurgles are heard from beer cellar where a depressed Victorian landlord slit his own throat.

At Morgan’s Mount, City Walls, apparitions of Cavalier soldiers appear at this tower which was named after a Royalist gun captain during the Civil War siege of Chester.

Bridge of Sighs

A ghostly coachman in carriage coat, tricorn hat, riding boots and breeches seen descending steps to Georgian terrace’s old carriage house on Nicolas Street.

In Old Bishop’s Palace, the spirit of cruelly treated Victorian bootboy moves shoes and boots around the large Georgian house. Loud whipcracks are heard in old stableyard.

In the old City hospital in Hoole, an apparition of a man in a brown suit visiting his sick mother was seen by several nurses in 1976. A woman later told the nurses her son was killed in WW2.  In the old leadworks (now demolished), an apparition of an old lady carrying a large bag vanished in front of a security guard. The figure of a man in blue overalls was seen during demolition; possibly the spirit of drunk workman killed on a nearby railway line.

In 1986, the ghost of a dead neighbour spoke to a Handbridge woman on the old Dee bridge then vanished.

At the Old Griffith’s flour mill on the canal towpath near Cow Lane Bridge, a grey misty figure rises from the canal and advances along the towpath towards people. A drowned body was recovered from this spot in 1919.

On Foregate street in Old house, repeated slow footsteps and laboured breathing of a very old person climbing the stairs is heard. In Samuels, which was originally Bear Paw Inn, staff claim the building is haunted by ‘George’. Clearly you can’t become a ghost in Chester if your name is not George.

In the Old Militia Buildings (originally on site of Chester Police HQ, now demolished) apparitions were seen at windows and in doorway to old schoolyard in the 1950s.

A herd of spectral cattle sometimes heard lowing in early morning at the foot of St Marty’s Hill. In the Old Rectory, several former employees experienced inexplicable chills, draughts and slamming doors in the small room at the top of the house.

The top room of Old Swinnerton’s was the scene of a grisly suicide. It has been abandoned for decades.

At Pemberton’s Parlour, City Walls,Cavaliers and their ladies said to promenade along the city walls near this ancient medieval tower.

In Queen’s School, City Walls Road, doors open and close in the music room.

town hall

In the Town Hall, Townhall Square, an unseen spirit haunts the tiny storeroom beneath the grand external stairs.

A new house in Rowton Lane, just south of Chester city, is haunted by apparitions probably associated with Civil War Battle of Rowton Moor. Voices, objects moved and disappeared. A woman saw a ghost in the 1960s, according to a local journalist.

At Saltney Junction Station, on the outskirts of Chester, an old man on squeaky bicycle appears early on winter mornings, said to have hanged himself in the station shed.

Phantom footsteps were heard on the stairs in a terraced house on St Anne’s Street and burning books were experienced over 100 years ago.

Spectral Cavalier and Roundhead Civil War horsemen have been seen battling in St Werburgh’s Street close to Eastgate.

In Thornton’s, on Eastgate Street, ‘Sarah’ jilted on her wedding day is the best known spirit in Chester’s most haunted house. She moves objects and pushes people on the stairs. There’s also a large jovial man in an apron and an almost invisible male spirit.

In an unnamed shop on Frodsham Street, a little old lady is regularly encountered on stairs of first floor building.

With so many ghosts to hunt, we were excited. We started with a Calamityville tradition – the pub. We’d been worried that after such a build up to this meeting, the guys wouldn’t like us. After all, we are a little strange. We blurt out random inappropriate things, go running off when we see something shiny and dance to our mobile phone ringtones. And we do stupid things like put pay and display notices in our pockets and drive through pedestrian zones. But Michael and Simon were lovely. For once we didn’t feel awkward in someone’s company and that is rare. It felt like we’d known them forever. After a pub lunch and drinks, we headed back to the car. To find a ticket.  Ok, we were late back, but we were in the pub and time doesn’t exist in pubs. But the fine wasn’t because we were late. The fine was for not paying at the machine. But we had paid at the machine. Simon witnessed Lynx pay at the machine. Lynx to Cat “I gave you the ticket. What did you do with it?” And then it hit Cat. “I…put it in my pocket.” ‘Whoops’ doesn’t quite cover this. But we were thrilled. Our first parking ticket! We took photos for our scrapbook. Then we decided to move the car. Bit late now we know but we weren’t sure whether they issued double tickets and decided not to risk it. Michael got in the car with Cat as he knew where to park so Simon and Lynx followed on foot. Except Simon has only been to Chester twice and this was our first time so they had no idea where they were going. Pinky had to drive around Chester for the 4th time, past the same workmen, to a car park we had driven past 3 times. This is what happens when third member Neen is not with us. We say Calamityville is a disaster. We lie. It’s us. Calamityville, we apologise for dragging your name into the mud.

We’d only been in Chester two hours and already we’d got hopelessly lost and received a fine for being idiots. We really surpassed ourselves. Then we set off for an important destination: toilets. Cat kept getting left behind as she wandered off to take photos then there was confusion over a locked door in Starbucks that led to her accompanying Michael into the gents toilets….we have form for this. Then we went on a tour of Chester, checking out the haunted places, visiting the pub where Scariest Places are going to be filming an episode and walking on top of the city walls. There was a loud thud so the guys thanked the spirits for communicating with us and asked for a repeat. There was another loud thud. Either the ghost really wanted to chat with us or it was the clatter of staff in the shop below. It was hard to tell. Then we spotted a car with two parking tickets on it. We were glad we moved Pinky to safety. We ended up as part of a tour of the city walls then found our way to the clock tower. 3 crones are said to appear by here when a national disaster is about to happen. We wondered if that was related to us. We continued along the wall but one end was barricaded so Michael climbed up to see if we could get over, only to get himself covered in anti-vandal paint. How we laughed :D For once it wasn’t us.

Bridge of Sighs

We hung around by the Bridge of Sighs, waiting to hear the sighs of the condemned prisoners. It’s also where the hanged prisoners are heard being buffeted against the city walls. We figured we might as well do a bit of ghost hunting, so we switched our Ghost Radar on. The best it could come up with was ‘hungry’.

We ended up in a shopping centre and found ourselves inside Ann Summers. For those who don’t know, it’s a lingerie/sex shop. And they sell penis pasta. Think we must be the only people to take a photo of ourselves outside it. Not sure if the other shoppers were staring at us. We were too busy failing to do a sexy pose.

We concluded the day with another haunted pub and lots of selfies. We’re already planning a jolly up in North Wales for a few days together. Considering our last North Wales adventure was a disaster, we are expecting good things. Michael and Simon were totally awesome. We loved them. We didn’t want to the day to end and hopefully we will have many more days hanging out together. Now to appeal that parking ticket…

Scariest Places meets Calamityville Horror

Give the boys a follow on Twitter: @TakeTheCakePro  @MerrickAlora  @michaeldroberts  @SimonSPHealy  @SimonHealy2014

Facebook pages: Take The Cake Productions    Simon Healy Official   Merrick Alora

 

Court In The Act

Lost on the streets of Monmouth, hosting the tripping championships, dressing in gowns and wigs and getting a stranger to participate in a mock trial can only mean one thing – another episode of Calamityville Horror.

Monmouth Shire Hall

Last night we managed to convince Monmouth Shire Hall to let us hire it out for five hours, so we invited our mates Tom and Amy. Tom had a taster of Calamityville when he joined us at Berkeley castle but Amy has never come out with us before. We were super organised – we even found a free car park and saved a map of it. Using the map, we set off for the Shire Hall, loaded up with rucksacks full of equipment, food and drink and 5 camera cases. Think pack mules. Only to spend ten minutes walking in a circle then trespassing the grounds of a school because Cat thought it looked ‘Shire Hall-esque’. Neen rescued us with her navigation and we found our way to the Shire Hall. When we got there, the worker, Thom, who had volunteered to stay the night, asked where we’d parked. When we told him, he said that was miles away and we could have parked right outside. Thank you Parkapedia, you are joining AA Route Planner on The List. Thom asked if it was just us 5. Yes. Members of the public would not pay to spent the night ghost hunting with us. Our lack of insurance would not cover the injury damages they would sustain.

courtroom 1

Thom gave us the guided tour and warned us about the many steps to trip over. We assured him we would trip anyway. Then we proved it. Repeatedly. The most trips occurred on the steps up to the judge’s seat in court. Either we weren’t looking where we were going, or the ghost of the judge that haunts this place didn’t want clowns in his seat. As we were having the guided tour, the Ghost Radar said “Fire.” We assured Thom we would not burn down the building. He seemed pleased about that.

judge’s chambers

We went into the judge’s chamber where a mannequin of Judge Nicholas Tindal sits, appearing to be graffiting the desk. The K2, which had been quiet, bleeped by Nicholas’s elbow. After setting up base camp in the learning room, we decided to explore. Neen found gowns and wigs in the judge’s chambers for dressing up. In her haste to get to them, Lynx tripped over the platform the judge’s chair was on. It kicked off a night of clumsiness that has surpassed all other episodes. Unfortunately, most weren’t captured on camera. Even Tom and Amy joined in with the calamities, with Amy tripping as much as Lynx and Tom smacking his head in the air raid shelter, hard enough to draw blood. Naturally we did what all good mates do – laughed and took a photo. While we were donning the gowns and wigs, worker Thom came to check on us. We asked him to take a photo. He admitted we were not like any other ghost hunters he’d met. Apparently they’re very serious.

The Monmouth Shire Hall is known for holding one of the most famous trials in history – the Chartists’ trial. The Chartists wanted the vote for all men and when leader Henry Vincent was imprisoned and convicted, riots broke out on November 4th 1839, led by John Frost, Zephaniah Williams and William Jones. But William was captured and held inside the Westgate Hotel in Newport. The Chartists gathered outside, demanding he be released.

steps to the cells

There was a riot, a gun was fired and this was seen as an assault on the hotel. 10 Chartists were shot and killed by soldiers inside the hotel. On 31st December, Frost, Williams, Jones and 5 others were put on trial for high treason in courtroom 1 of the Shire Hall. Nicholas Tindal was one of the judges. On 16th January 1940, the men were found guilty and the three leaders were sentenced to be hanged, drawn and quartered but on the day before their execution, Lord Melbourne, under Tindal’s advice, asked Queen Victoria that their sentences be changed to transportation. On 2nd February 1940, they were put on the steamer Usk to Van Diemen’s Land, now Tasmania. In March 1854 they were pardoned conditionally and in 1855 unconditionally. Williams and Jones stayed in Tasmania but Frost returned home to a hero’s welcome.

the cells

We decided to stage a mock trial and had brought one of our gavel pens from Edinburgh Dungeon to use, along with shackles from Oxford Castle. Tom was first in the dock for dogging. The court were shocked. None of us expected that of him. He’s always seemed like such a gentleman. Lord Chief Justice Neen presided with Cat as the prosecutor, Lynx as the jury and Amy as the public. Ketch, our cuddly executioner from Edinburgh Dungeons, sat on the judge’s bench, ready to dispense the Queen’s justice. Next Lynx was on trial for witchcraft. Lord Chief Justice Amy presided, with Cat as the witness, Neen as the jury and Tom as the prosecutor. Then we decided to be a bit professional and did our information spiel about the history of the Shire Hall and it’s supposed ghosts. Turns out, a medium who had previously visited the Shire Hall could smell burning and said a previous building on the site had burned down. The Ghost Radar saying ‘fire’ earlier now seemed relevant. It is also haunted by a family that were hanged for theft, three girls tried for witchcraft, a judge, a woman in white who staff see entering rooms only to disappear. The medium also reported seeing fierce dogs.

this way to the air raid shelter

We began the important business of ghost hunting. After all, it is supposed to be a ghost hunting show. We did group vigils in the cell area and the air raid shelter then had a quick refreshment break and left the JVC  filming the motion sensor lights in courtroom 1 with the Ghost Radar. When we returned, the last word spoken was ‘vote’. This was the courtroom where the Chartists were tried for treason after trying to get every man the vote. We did vigils in courtroom 1 and courtroom 2, where Amy joined us in another Calamityville tradition – dancing. We treated the ghosts to the Monster Mash and the Time Warp. If the ghosts were impressed, they didn’t admit it. Later, in courtroom 1, the K2 bleeped when it was lying on the table. We moved a battery and DVR away from it but it continued to bleep then went silent. We returned to the judge’s chamber but the K2 didn’t respond to Nicholas this time. We set a motion sensor light on the windowsill and part way through our vigil, it lit up. Tom and Lynx thought they might have been responsible so repeated their movements. The motion sensor stayed dark.

courtroom 2

It was time to split up for lone vigils. But first, we needed refreshments. While we were refuelling,  Neen went rummaging in a craft box and found scripts for a trial of Count Dracula. The lone vigils were abandoned in favour of a mock trial. But we needed another participant. Luckily worker Thom is an actor and was more than happy to join in. We donned the gowns and wigs again and assigned parts. Cat was the judge, Amy the usher, Neen the defence barrister, Lynx the prosecution barrister, Tom was Count Dracula and Thom took the witnesses roles – Boris the Bat, Isabella a village girl, Spook the cat and Mr Frank Bolt, complete with different voices for each character. He was also the foreman of the jury.

the air raid shelter

We’re so glad he was the one who volunteered to stay the night. He has to be one of our favourite people we’ve had on the show. It was brilliant. You don’t get this on other ghost hunting shows! Or on public tours. Imagine if Calamityville were in charge of a public tour – we would have had a full jury cast and filled the seats of the public gallery! And this is why people would not pay to join us :D Thom asked if we were actors. Clearly our acting skills are better than our ghost hunting ones. We admitted we’re writers, Neen is a scenic artist for TV & film, Tom works for a well known game shop and Amy works with children.

We stopped pissing about to finally do our lone vigils. Neen took the air raid shelter, Cat the cells, Tom went to courtroom 2 and Lynx and Amy stayed in courtroom 1, as we only had 4 cameras between the 5 of us. Cat heard footsteps when she was in the cells but thought it may have been Tom. Lynx and Amy spent most of their vigil trying to frighten the locals by flashing their lights out the window at the pub opposite. Not one person looked up. That will change when we have our laser pens! The Ghost Radar chatted to Neen for a while in courtroom 2 before falling silent. Cat moved to the air raid shelter. She asked for footsteps. And got them. But as she was the only one down there, she couldn’t be sure whether it was one of us walking around. We’ll have to sync the cameras to see. Her tape and battery ran out so she returned upstairs for a swap. We then switched places. Neen took courtroom 1, Cat returned to the air raid shelter with Tom and Lynx and Amy squeezed in the cell with Zephaniah Williams. Lynx and Amy heard footsteps marching around above them and presumed it was Neen. When we all regrouped, Neen said she hadn’t moved. Cat took a walkie talkie and went walking in the learning room and court while Lynx returned to the cell. She couldn’t hear Cat when she was in the learning room, but could hear her in the courtroom, but wasn’t sure if the footsteps sounded the same. We’ll have to check the cameras.

Sadly it was time to call it a night. We mobbed poor Nicholas in the chambers, but he got his revenge when Cat got her head stuck under his arm while attempting a headlock pose. It’s the first time a mannequin has ever fought back against us. Well played, Nicholas. We were sad to leave the Shire Hall. It was one of the most fun episodes we have ever filmed. Other locations will find it hard to beat for its sheer fun factor. Where else will we get our friends to join us then put them on trial? Calamityville QC, coming to screens near you.

 

Wyrd Sisters

Last night we went to see a production of Wyrd Sisters directed by Amy Davies. No, this wasn’t a play about us :D The awesome Monstrous Productions put on plays based on Terry Pratchett books and the proceeds go to Alzheimer’s UK. We love Terry Pratchett’s work so plays based on his books? Yes please! Last January we went to see Mort. And we loved it. You can read our review here. We hadn’t read Wyrd Sisters before going to see the play so didn’t know anything about it. But that doesn’t matter. Even if you’ve never read a Pratchett book, go and see the plays. Even if you don’t like Pratchett, go and see the damn plays. You will be converted.

When we got to the Gate Arts Centre, we didn’t know whether to go into the bar, or hand our tickets in, so we sat on a pew in the corridor and did neither. Socially Awkward Penguin could have been inspired by us. Luckily our mates Tom and Amy and their friend, also called Amy arrived shortly after so we headed to the bar. As soon as we find out when the next play is on, we start nagging people to book :D Our tactics would be more effective if we had a large circle of friends, but we work with what we’ve got. Tom and Amy love Pratchett as much as we do, so they don’t need much persuading, which is just as well. It would be be a shame to get skin cells on our thumb screws.

Wyrd Sisters was BRILLIANT. Three witches (Granny Weatherwax, Nanny Ogg and Magrat) rescue a baby, which turns out to be the recently deceased King Verence’s boy (they name him Tomjon), and give him to travelling players for protection. But when Lord Velmet who is now on the throne, starts harming the land, they decide to fast forward time by fifteen years to put Tomjon on the throne. It has elements of Macbeth and Hamlet in it, with Pratchett’s unique take and sense of humour. A winning combination if you like Shakespeare and Pratchett, which we do. It was hilarious. The audience were laughing most of the way through. For some of the cast, this is their first time of being in a play, but you honestly cannot tell. The acting is superb. There’s no background scenery and few props but it works because you’re completely focused on the actors and the story. If you’ve ever seen the production of Woman In Black you’ll know how effective a minimal set can be. We have short attention spans and get distracted by shinies (and pain in Cat’s knee and Lynx’s back caused by sitting too long) but these guys keep our attention the entire time. You can tell how much everyone enjoys being involved.

Zoe Azzopardi, who played Nanny Ogg, was fantastic. Nanny Ogg was our favourite character. Every line she had was funny. We loved the play within a play (think Hamlet) and the Wyrd Sisters joining the audience to watch it. Having men dress as women for that play was perfect. It really added to the humour. And damn it, the guy who played Lady Felmet looked better in a corset than we do! The Fool played by Lawrence Dixon was excellent and we loved Alex Butterworth’s sultry performance as Lady Felmet. Playing her as a femme fatale suited the character well. All the actors and the crew did a fantastic job. Now when we get round to reading Wyrd Sisters we’ll be able to imagine these guys as the characters.

CAST

Granny Weatherwax- Ellen Warren

Magrat – Lowri Belson

Nanny Ogg – Zoe Azzopardi

Lady Felmet – Alex Butterworth

Lord Felmet – Jes Hynes

The Fool – Lawrence Dixon

Tomjon – Mark Fenn

Hwel – Matthew Hitchman

King Verence – Sam Steele

Mr Vitoller – Terrance Edwards

Demon – Alastair Babington

Sergeant – Edward Duke

Mrs Vitoller – Denyse Cazier

Various – Steph Jezewski, Sarah Roberts, Jackie Creed-Lyons, John Simpson, Nick Dunn, Luke Belson, Daniel Buck, Harry Spencer, Ben Wilson, Callum Roberts.

As we were leaving, one of the actors spotted us and said “I know you. You’re the twins with pink hair. You’re our most famous audience members here tonight.” Was our response full of wit, charm and eloquence? No. We sort of stared at him, confuzzled and said “oh. Ok.” Why are we so damn awkward? Though we have to say, us being the most famous is kind of like having someone who once competed on Gladiators switching on your town’s Christmas lights.But still, we’ll take it as a compliment.

The next production, which is Witches Abroad will be on in April. We’ll buy our  tickets as soon as they go on sale. We hope Monstrous Productions perform every single book in the Discworld series – we will be going to every one :)

Frightmare

Last night, on a dark Gloucester farm, we witnessed a group of girls being chased by an axe-wielding monster wearing a creepy mask. And we filmed the whole thing. Their terrified screams were drowned out by our hysterical laughter. No, we weren’t shooting a horror film, we were attending Frightmare, Gloucester’s Halloween scare fest. And it was brilliant.

We’d never heard of Frightmare, but we were invited by Dan Hopkins, Calamityville’s number one fan. Yes, we were shocked too that someone who wasn’t a friend watched the show. In June he told us that he was involved in Frightmare and asked if we would like to go. Does Leatherface like chainsaws? As much as we love Cardiff, it sucks for Halloween events. The whole of south Wales is terrible for Halloween events. The only ones are for children. Every year we struggle to find something scary for adults. So when Dan gave us the link to Frightmare and we saw it had FOUR scary attractions, we were more excited than Freddy Krueger at nap time.

We decided to go as ghost ship pirates and rocked up only to discover we were the only ones dressed up. And everyone stared at us like we were the weirdos. What is WRONG with people? It’s a Halloween event! This happened to us about five years in Tredegar House. Our mum went dressed as a death spirit and we were corpse brides with creepy crawlies hanging from our veils and bouquets and blood streaking our faces. We walked in to find everyone staring at us, because they hadn’t bothered making an effort. Anyway, we headed for the toilets, which were porta loos out the back. While Neen and Cat were in them, a group of girls ran out, screeching like Twilight vampires in a fifty percent off glitter sale. Then an axe-wielding pumpkin man lumbered after them. Lynx was waiting outside the toilets, so did what anyone would do – laughed at the girls and filmed their terror. He cornered them by the porta loo Cat was inside, while they cowered against it, knocking it and almost dying of fright. Think of a scene from any slasher film and that’s what it was like. It was hilarious :D All Cat heard was deafening screams, and pounding on the door as the girls tried to get in. Then the porta loo was jolted. Luckily she’d only just stepped inside so hadn’t even reached the toilet. Did she open the door to save these terrified girls? No. She just hoped when she stepped out, their blood wouldn’t stain her pirate dress.

Fright House

When Lynx went to the toilet, a chav girl of about 18, who had used a foundation shade we can only think of as ‘pumpkin blush’ asked Cat and Neen if they worked there. They said no. She said “then why are you dressed up?” Cat – “it’s a Halloween event.” Girl: “so do you like Halloween?” Why would we be dressed up at a Halloween event if we didn’t like Halloween? That would be like grinches (ok, us) showing up as Santa’s Grotto in full elf regalia. Cat – “yes. We’re Goths, we love Halloween.” Neen – “I’m not a Goth.” Cat – “my twin and I are Goths.” Girl – “why aren’t you a Goth?” Neen – “I’m just not.” Girl – “Don’t you like it?” Neen – “I do like it, I’m just not one. The clothing is beautiful though.” Cat – “until the cats grab your lace sleeves and keep you prisoner.” Girl to Cat – “how long have you been a Goth?” Cat – “since forever.” Girl – “so do you like it then?” *Facepalm* Cat just stared at her for a few seconds, trying to work out if she was putting it on or if her orange dye had nuked some brain cells. Cat – “I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t like it.” We really hope she was drunk. Either that or her skull had been hollowed like the pumpkin she had colour matched herself to.

Pumpkin Boy. He’s actually really tall, but is crouching

We went to our first attraction – Panic. We won’t go into too much detail because we don’t want to spoil it for anyone who hasn’t been. We were stalked by a teenage boy holding a pumpkin (he was an actor, not some random boy). As we got to the front of the queue, the guy asked for our wristbands. We stared at him blankly. He explained that when you handed your tickets in, you were given wristbands. We hadn’t seen anyone to hand our tickets to. We were directed to the queue out the front door. Turns out, we’d come in the back way and because we were the only ones dressed up, security thought we worked there and let us in! :D We queued with the rest of the attendees who looked more like they were going to Tesco than a Halloween event. The security guards and staff loved us because we’d made such an effort. One of the actors kept coming up to talk to us whenever we were queueing and Pumpkin Boy stalked us for most of the night. Pumpkin Man lost interest when we didn’t run from him.

We returned to Panic and were put with two teenage girls. Whenever we do this kind of thing, we always end up with teenage girls. And there are always two of them who are both terrified. It was pitch black inside Panic, so we were told to hold each other’s shoulders as we worked our way through the maze of bloodied curtains and concealed actors. We immediately started doing the Conga. The girls didn’t join in. We soon dropped our arms and left each other to possibly be mauled. The girls were so scared that the one behind Neen was practically on Neen’s back, she was holding her that tightly. They shrieked at every actor, we laughed and grinned the whole way though. We particularly liked the bit where you walk through a prison with strobe lighting, because one minute you can’t see anything, the next an escaped prisoner is standing face to face with you.

There was a photographer taking photos of people posing in the stocks. He asked if we wanted a photo. As we deliberated, he said “please can I take your photo? You look fantastic.” It would be rude to turn down a begging man.So we agreed. He was probably sick of photographing jeans and wellies. And his helper was a nice bit of Halloween eye candy ;)

Pumpkin Man

We made our way to the Fright House and caught the attention of Pumpkin Man, who was attracted by the camcorder’s light. We lured him over so he could terrify the rest of the people in the queue. In the Fright House we were put with two lads who were late teens/early twenties. As we made our way through the blood soaked passages, a clown jumped out. A girly shriek echoed around the darkness. It was the guy behind Lynx. Think Ned Flanders’s scream. Lynx had to fight from laughing out loud. There was a girl dressed as a creepy doll in one of the rooms. Her costume was amazing. She was by far the creepiest actor despite the fact she mostly stood in the corner and offered to cut out our eyes.

the guy who was terrorising the girl

We stopped for a drink and were entertained by the actor we’d been talking to, chasing a teenage girl through the marquee. She ran and screamed like a true horror actress. We were practically wetting ourselves laughing. She ran outside then tried sneaking in behind someone. We spotted her and sent the actor after her. We’re helpful like that. She was even scared of Pumpkin Boy and he just stood there, silently staring. We thought it would be funny if we were to do the same – find a group of teenage girls and just surround them, staring. It’s the only time of year we won’t get arrested for it.

The third attraction we visited was Seance. It had a really cool old house front with creepy hands on the wall. While we were queuing there was a clown behind us doing stuff. There’s just no need for clowns. He wasn’t a killer clown, just a regular one in a suit with a sad face which somehow made it worse. The kind of disturbing clown that will haunt your nightmares. When we walked in to Seance, the actor said “it’s the Calamityville girls!” It was Dan! We’ve never met him before, so encountering him in a creepy house in full Halloween costume was a unique first meeting. The seance was brilliant – far more active than any seances we’ve done :D Maybe we need to recreate it for a future episode.

By the time we left Seance, it was time for our Haunted Hayride. Neen stood behind a teenage girl and frightened the life out of her :D We don’t understand why people go to these events if someone in costume scares them, but at least it provides free entertainment for us. The clown was also amusing the queue for the hayride so we were glad when we turned the corner so we wouldn’t have to see him *shudders*. The hayride was a lot of fun. We were in a trailer pulled by a tractor which was speeding over bumpy ground in the dark. Every time it stopped, creepy actors would surround the trailer and some got on board. The girl Neen scared was convinced she was going to wet herself. Then the driver got out to ‘move a tree’ when we were attacked by cannibals. They scared the driver away. The girl was petrified! She kept saying “where’s he’s going? Has he left us? Is he coming back? Why has he left us?” We were laughing so hard we weren’t paying attention to what the cannibals were threatening :D We offered her a cup if she needed the toilet. The cannibals hijacked the trailer and took us to a pitch black barn. It was so dark you couldn’t see the person in front of you. This time we actually obeyed the hanging on to the person in front rule. We somehow managed to get separated from the rest of the group, so the actors were probably disappointed as none of us are the shrieking kind. We laughed and smiled our way through the attacks and greeted the actors with a cheery ‘hello!’ and asked to join their lucrative body parts operation. Being dead, they had no use of us.

The hayride dropped us back at the attractions, but we had to go through a corn maze, which was guarded by two scarecrows. After asking one if he’d escaped from Arkham Asylum, he then followed us through the whole maze, trying to pop up and scare us. We invited him to be our man slave and we think we liked the idea because he stuck with us after that. A terrifying scarecrow butler is much better than a man in a suit. We could set him on sales people and Jehovah’s Witnesses. We rounded the corner to find two teenage girls cowering in a corner. One of them was the one who had been pursued through the marquee earlier. When they saw us, they asked if we could go first, clearly seeing us as protectors. So we did what any great protector would do – led them to safety then tracked down the scarecrows and sent them after the girls. No need to thank us, you are most welcome.

us with Dan

Most of the attractions had finished by the time we got back, but we wanted to speak to Dan, so we hung around for half an hour, waiting for Seance to close. Dan eventually left Seance so so we nabbed him for a photo and a chat. There was no way we were leaving without getting to speak to our number one fan. We would never have known about Frightmare if it wasn’t for him. He was really lovely and we’re so jealous that he gets to be involved in something so fantastic. He and Pumpkin Man (Troy) made the Seance house. Dan’s now going to be joining us when we investigate Littledean Jail.

We don’t have many traditions in Calamityville (unless getting lost counts) but we might have to start a new one with an annual trip to Frightmare. We highly recommend it. It’s running ’til Nov 1st so there might still be tickets available. Do it now. NOW! Or we will set Pumpkin Man after you…

*Unashamed plug alert* If you like all things spooky, our ghost story collection Deadly Reflections is FREE from today until Halloween. Get it here – Amazon UK  Amazon US

Recce at the Rectory

Traipsing through fields to find a rectory that doesn’t exist, trespassing, pissing off locals and being stalked by a cat in a graveyard can only mean one thing: Calamityville is back!

We’ve been planning to visit Borley Rectory with fellow writer, ghost hunter and honorary Calamityville team member Lesley (L K Jay) for about a year. Even though we knew it didn’t exist anymore, Borley has been dubbed the most haunted house in England, so we had to visit it. We set off at 7 p.m. Friday evening after our traditional Friday night chip night. The trip to Huntingdon went smoothly apart from being besieged by the most unholy stinks en route. One was caused by a lorry’s smoking tyres, one smelled like manure had been set on fire and the others we can only assume were down to demon manifestations. We made it to Lesley’s without getting trapped on the ring road for the first time ever. We know, it frightened us too.

Saturday morning we were joined by fellow writer Louise West, a mutual  Twitter friend. We’d never met her before, but she’s lovely. As soon as she arrived, we set off to Borley. Lesley drove, which would guarantee no major meldowns on our part. If we have one every episode, people would think we faked them :D

We reached Borley church without getting lost once, which was a relief because when we were in the flat, Lesley’s Sat Nav tried to send us to Borley in France. As pretty as we’re sure it is, it’s not the home of the most haunted house in England. Though the Sat Nav assured us it would take twelve hours of driving time and traffic was steady. But as we’re not in the habit of carrying our passports with us for emergency excursions to Europe, we decided not to chance it. The only French we can speak is “Bonjour, Je’m appelle and Renault 4.” None of which would get us very far.

We wandered the churchyard and discovered a beautiful and friendly local – a grey cat. We spent a while fussing him then he started to lead us off somewhere. Thinking he knew the way to the rectory, we followed. Turns out, he wanted to eat some grass. Left to our own devices, we explored. The cat stalked us. Clearly he’d heard we love animals and wanted to be on the show. Louise managed to find the graves of Henry Dawson Ellis Bull who built Borley Rectory in 1862 and his son, Harry who took over when Henry died. Harry is actually one of the ghosts who haunts it. Apparently before he died, he swore that if  he was unrested after death, he would come back and make his presence known in a violent manner, such as throwing mothballs or glasses. We asked him to throw conkers at us, but he didn’t oblige.

Grave of Henry Dawson Ellis Bull. And the cat.

The Ghost Radar mostly sprouted gibberish such as ‘potatoes’ ‘settlers’ ‘Washington’. Not exactly what we were hoping for. Lynx managed to find an old map online of where the rectory was, so after trying to compare it with the modern landscape, we set off across the road into a field. We circled behind a house into another field, then crossed a third field to get back to the road. We have no idea who owned these fields but there were no gates so we doubted angry farmer would shoot at us, despite the Ghost Radar promising us they would. (It said ‘shoot’ in the graveyard). There was no sign of the rectory, or where it once stood. There really needs to be plaques put up where an old sites used to be or you get idiots like us exploring fields. However a yellow blob showed up on the Ghost Radar in the hedge, which apparently means spirit energy is near. Lynx asked if there was a ghost to her left. The Ghost Radar said “Harry.”

The most famous ghost at Borley is the nun who haunts a path known as ‘Nun’s Walk’. The rumour is that she had an affair with a monk from the monastery which once stood where the rectory was. They planned to elope and asked the monk’s friend to drive them in a carriage. The elders found out and captured them. The driver was beheaded, the monk hanged and the nun bricked up alive in the vaults below the rectory. This is a really common ghost story, but at least the monk was also killed. Usually it’s the nun who bears the brutal wrath. The nun was such a frequent visitor to the rectory that Henry Bull bricked up a window to stop her staring through the window at his dinner guests. Nobody wants to see a drooling nun pawing the glass. Three of Henry’s daughters, Ethel, Mabel and Freda saw the nun one June afternoon. Their brother Walter often heard footsteps following him along Nun’s Walk, but there was never anybody there. The phantom coach was often seen driven by two  headless horses or horsemen, depending on which website you read. Footsteps were regularly heard in the rectory walking outside the bedrooms. They’d stop outside a door then three knocks were heard. In old superstitions, three knocks meant a special visitor: Death.

After Harry died, the church had trouble getting reverends into the rectory because of its reputation. The next reverend to move in was Guy Eric Smith and his wife. The first things they experienced were knocks in the bedroom. It didn’t matter which bedroom they slept in, the knocks followed them. One day when she was cleaning, Mrs Smith unwrapped a brown paper parcel. It contained a female human skull. After this, the servants’ bells started ringing by  themselves, despite being disconnected. Objects were moved and reappeared elsewhere. Keys would either be put into locks or taken out of them. They contacted the Daily Mirror and asked them to send someone from the Society of Psychical Research (SPR). They sent a reporter, V. C. Wall and Harry Price from the SPR. Wall saw a light in one of the rooms and sent Smith to investigate. When Smith was in the room, two lights could be seen from the garden, yet Smith didn’t see or hear anything in the room with him.

When Price arrived with his secretary, the secretary kept an eye on things in the rectory while Price and Wall stayed in the garden. Wall spotted the nun and ran over to her. As he got closer, she became more solid, but disappeared when he reached her. Price didn’t see her vanish as Wall was blocking his view. They returned inside the rectory and a pane of glass fell from the roof, narrowly missing them. Price admits this could have been coincidental.  They explored the rest of the rectory and as they were coming downstairs, a red glass candlestick from the Blue Room (where Henry and Harry Bull died) was thrown down the stairs, followed by a mothball.

possible site of Borley Rectory, where Cat trespassed

After the Smiths left the rectory, it lay empty for a while until the Foysters moved in. Lionel Algeron Foyster was a cousin of the Bulls. His wife Marianne experienced the most activity in the rectory. There were so many incidents that Foyster kept a diary over a 15 month period. Again the bells would ring by themselves, footsteps were heard, Marianne saw Harry Price by the Blue Room, their daughter Adelaide was locked inside a room with no key. Marianne was struck in the face, leaving a cut below her left eye, but she was alone. She also said she’d been thrown out of bed three times in one afternoon, but again was alone. Pebbles or bricks were thrown, objects were left in random places, a jug of water was poured over them when they slept, Marianne was half smothered by a mattress. One day Marianne took off her watch which was set in a gold bracelet, and set it aside to wash her hands. When she went to put it back on, the bracelet had gone. It was never found. A wedding ring dated 1862 appeared one day. Writing on the wall appeared saying ‘Marianne, please help get me out’. Foyster sent his diary to Price, who returned to investigate the rectory again.

The rectory was empty again after the Foysters left. Price rented it out for a year, but didn’t stay in it himself. Instead he put an advert in The Times asking for ‘observers’. The 48 he chose had no knowledge of the rectory or psychical research. One of his helpers was Sidney Glanville and his son. Glanville’s daughter, Helen conducted a seance in Streatham, London and apparently made contact with the spirit of Marie Lairre, a French nun who’d left her order to marry a member of the Waldegrave family who owned Borley Hall, a 17th century manor house. She claimed she was murdered and bricked up below the rectory. On 27th March 1938, Glanville and his fellow observer, Mark Kerr-Pearse contacted a spirit who swore the rectory would burn down and human bones would be discovered beneath it.

Eleven months later, Captain Gregson moved into the rectory. When he was unpacking, he knocked an oil lamp over. The rectory caught fire. In 1943, Price returned to the rectory with Revered Hanning and a laborer and they cleared the well in the cellar and dug it up. They uncovered the parietal and temporal bones of a skull and the left mandible with five teeth still attached. The bones were believed to be that of a young woman, but the Borley parish refused them a Christian burial due to rumours the bones were from a pig.

After Price died in 1948, three members of the SPR investigated his claims and came to the conclusion that he’d faked some of the phenomena. Although we can’t comment on that, we will say that the rectory had a reputation before Price arrived. Apparently Harry’s children were surprised to learn they were living in the most haunted house in England. They’d fit in well with Calamityville.

L-R Lesley, Louise & Lynx searching for the stream.

After failing to find the rectory in the three fields, we went looking for a stream our old map swore was there. We didn’t find it, so headed back towards the church. Louise spotted gates flanked by grey stone pillars. The gates were chained and brambles had been stacked against them. Could this have been the drive to the rectory? A low wall stretched out from the pillars so armed with a camera and camcorder, Cat climbed over and went exploring. Lynx, Louise and Lesley stayed by the roadside, shouting ‘duck!’ whenever a car drove past, and studied the old map as though we were lost. MI5, if you need spies who specialise in ghosts, give us a call. Louise fitted in well with Calamityville’s ‘borderline criminal/unscripted’ style of investigating :D After Cat returned from her trespassing adventure, Lynx found a map dated 1984 which showed the position of the rectory in relation to a more modern landscape. Using this, we concluded the rectory was behind this red brick farmhouse. We studied the map then the house, only to be disturbed by a woman knocking on the window. Louise went over to see what she wanted. Apparently our filming was invading their privacy, despite the fact we weren’t filming their house. The only thing Lynx was filming was the map on the phone.

possible site of Borley Rectory

Deciding to call it a day, we finished the hunt in the traditional Calamityville way – in a haunted pub. This pub was The Bull in Long Melford. Apparently two men had been fighting about politics when one stabbed the other. His body was placed in the hall, but when someone returned to it, it had gone. He is said to haunt room 4. We asked the girl on reception about the ghost but she’d only been working there three weeks. We have a knack for finding the newest member of staff and telling them their workplace is haunted.

We headed back to Lesley’s to finish the evening in the best possible way – playing Cards Against Humanity. Lesley’s Taekwondo friends and an old school friend joined us. We’re not normally great in large groups, but Cards Against Humanity is a brilliant ice breaker. We actually met our mate Tom through playing Cards Against Humanity. We crawled into bed at 2 a.m. (after the clocks had gone back) only to be woken at 7:30 by guys moving metal trolleys around outside. Guys, while your early morning enthusiasm is admirable, it wasn’t welcome. We got home at 1:40 p.m., allowing us enough time to bath our iguana, write this blog post and get ready for tonight’s Halloween event – Frightmare. Yes, we’ll be back on the road heading to Gloucester dressed as ghost ship pirates. We cannot wait. 

 

Scardiff

“Feel the fear and do it anyway” was our psychologist’s mantra. We really need to stop listening to him. Because we keep doing it. Yesterday we went to Scardiff, Cardiff’s horror con for the first time. And we were terrified. Yes horror is supposed to be scary, but we were scared for a different reason – because we were pitching one of our novels to the Dragon’s Pen pitching panel. We had three novels to choose from. You can read the post about our deliberation here. In the end we went with Silent Dawn. We knew it would be a big risk because we only finished writing it a fortnight ago and it’s only had one edit. We’re firm believers in the saying “go big or go home.” This was our 50 word pitch:

“Silent Dawn isn’t real. She’s a terrifying computer game character who erodes players’ sanities. Just because she’s been linked to disappearances centuries ago, doesn’t mean she’s real. Just because game aspects appear in reality, or because people start vanishing, doesn’t mean she’s real. Just because she’s standing in the corner…” *cue creepy pointing at corner* Yes we make pointing creepy.

We rewrote that pitch about 5 times and that doesn’t include all the redrafts we did on the 5 different versions. We also had to read the first page. We took our mate Tom with us for moral support. Well, to stop us fleeing. All he’d have to do is ankle tap with his cane and we’d face plant in a pile of curses and chunky chain boots.

us with Honey

As soon as we entered the Masonic hall, we headed straight for the guy with the reptiles. (Animal Zone UK) After harassing the tortoises, we held a royal python. The guy takes in reptiles after people have bought them then realise how big they grow, how much care they need or are bored with them. Kinda like what we do. We were tempted to slip him a business card and tell them there are vacancies at Casa Raven, especially for anything tortoise-shaped. He asked if we wanted to hold an even bigger snake. Naturally we said “hell yeah” so he fetched a lemon Burmese Python called Honey. Think we were the only people who squealed at her cuteness. She weighed 4 stone which is over half our body weight. We wore her like a scarf and would’ve gladly kept her on all day. The guy also had tarantulas but we were already petrified about the upcoming pitch and didn’t fancy having a panic attack whilst holding a constrictor.

author A.S. Cummings

We then wandered, checking out all the stalls. There were a lot of authors there with stalls so we spoke to a few of them and bought their books/comics and got them to sign them. We even joked that one author now had to get himself hit by a bus so we could make a fortune from his autograph. We’re hoping to try and get a stall ourselves next year to sell our books but as we’re unknown, we don’t think this is likely. We met a girl who recognised us from when we wrote a review on Monstrous Productions’ play of Mort in the new year. She’s going to be in their upcoming performance of Wyrd Sisters, which we’re going to.

one of the sfx people

We sat and composed ourselves with Red Bull before heading back downstairs. We had twenty minutes to go until Dragons Pen started. By now the nerves were devouring our stomachs. We hadn’t eaten all day. There’s only one thing that helps calm us – animals. Luckily, we knew exactly where some were. So it was back to Animal Zone UK. This time we cwtched an Argentine black and white Tegu. Luckily we’re used to our iguana’s claws so we didn’t mind the scratching. He was easier to cwtch than Kyler ‘cos he was bigger and not so rough and spiky. We now realise there’s a Tegu-shaped hole in our lives to match the tortoise-shaped one.

Lynx with the Tegu

It was time.

We entered the temple, which was decked out in dark wood with throne style chairs. We wanted them. But we thought we’d be noticed trying to sneak large thrones out of the hall then stand around outside while we wait for a lift. We spoke to one of the organisers, Rebecca, who we’d been in email contact with about the pitch. Turned out, she saw us walking Bandit on Friday! We still had our turquoise hair then and were wearing our long military coats, but she recognised us. We had to sit at the front, right by the dragons. Tom was a few rows back, armed with our video camera to capture what we were sure would be our public humiliation. We were fourth up. We couldn’t stop shaking. We’ve done loads of readings, hell, we’ve even read at a literary festival, but this was worse. This was before publishers who could tear into our work and leave us with the feeling we should quit writing completely. We don’t even recall what the first pitch was as  we were too nervous to tune in, made worse by the fact we were sitting so close to the dragons. We can’t make eye contact with people. It’s one of the many issues our therapist is working on with us. By ‘working on’ we mean she keeps encouraging us to do it and we keep refusing.

the dragons

Luckily the dragons weren’t critical of anyone. We presumed that pitching to publishers meant there was a chance someone would be taken on, but it wasn’t that at all, it was just a critique session. If we’d known that, we probably wouldn’t have been that nervous. We’re narked with ourselves though because everybody else had printed out their pitches for the dragons to read while they narrated. We’ve not come across this before – it was a pitch, not a reading session. We weren’t told to do this yet everybody else seemed to know about it. And one of their criticisms to us was that they wanted to read it themselves. Which made us even more furious with ourselves for not printing it out. We think “we’d have liked to have read it” was code for “your speech problems and weird Cardiff accents meant we couldn’t understand a single word.” It’s often been said that we need to carry flash cards with us so people can understand us and we’re beginning to think they’re right.

They said our writing was evocative and poetic, they liked the asylum setting and said it was a big idea but it didn’t go into the character immediately. The opening page sees Drake playing the game. But it’s not actually Drake who features, it’s his computer game character. The game is the focus for the opening scene because it’s an important element of the story, as that’s Silent Dawn’s world. The opening doesn’t go into Drake’s character because it’s not really him. But at least they didn’t tell us to scrap it/never darken writing’s door again which is what we’d feared. As soon as all the pitches were done and the session ended, we legged it. Think some of the pitchers stayed to speak to the dragons but we fled like coulophobes from clown college.

We hung around outside waiting for our lift and chatting to Tom’s ex housemates, who were totally nuts. We liked them :D The wind was really strong so we had to battle it while wearing dresses, fishnets and underwear that wasn’t public appropriate. One of the organisers (we think) hunted us down and told us we’d done a good job, which was nice. Will we pitch next year if there’s one? Not sure we can stand that level of fear and nerves again!

Dark Moon Rises

We finally have some good news to share – our plague doctor short story, City of the Dead is out now in Dark Moon Digest Issue 17. You can get it here – Amazon UK  Amazon US. Many thanks to the talented Anya Breton for beta reading this version and the novella version. Your expertise is invaluable, especially pointing out when you can’t see the scene because we haven’t described it. We forget not everyone can see into our minds :D

Synopsis: City of the Dead is a gothic horror set during Edinburgh’s 1645 plague outbreak. The plague doctor dies from the disease after a week, so the Council hires student doctor Alex McCrae, promising him one hundred pounds to cure the wretched pest. However, they can’t afford to pay McCrae and hope he’ll succumb to the disease. Unknown to them, McCrae’s friend, James created an immortality elixir. When McCrae fights for the money he’s owed, the Council decide the plague isn’t the only way to kill a man. But in the city of the dead, it’s not just ghosts who return.

Word of warning though – after writing this story, we extended it into a novella, which is currently unpublished, so if you don’t want to know how the novella ends, don’t read the short story, because the ending is the same.

In other news, October is meant to be the month for all things scary and on October 19th, Cardiff is having a horror con – Scardiff. We’re very excited about it, but we’re also terrified because they have Dragon’s Pen, a pitching panel for writers to pitch their novels to four people in the publishing industry: Adam Nevill, horror author and commissioning editor; Scott Harrison, writer, editor and screenwriter; Dan Coxon, editor of literary magazine Litro; and Christopher Teague, owner of Pendragon Press. The idea is you read a 50 word pitch and the first page of your novel. That’s not the scary part. The scary part is you have to do it in front of an audience, with the potential of having your book torn apart by these guys. In front of everyone. That’s the bit that’s terrifying us. It’s much easier to write a 50,000 word novella than it is to write a 50 word pitch. Ever since we put our names forward, we’ve regretted that moment of boldness and what came over us. It was probably anger. Most of our bravery and productivity is achieved when in a fit of rage.

We’ve been trying to choose between Bleeding Empire, our urban fantasy about the Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and The Malignant Dead, the novella version of City of the Dead *points* (we changed the title because there are way too many books called City of the Dead.) The synopsis above is actually the 100 word version of the pitch, because we were originally told it was 100 words, but now the website says 50, so we’ve done both. Bleeding Empire went down well at the Salem literary festival in May, but we’re not sure it’s horror enough for the panel. Yes people die brutally, but the comedy outweighs the horror. We’d written a pitch for our latest novella, Silent Dawn, which is about three teenagers addicted to a computer game, Silent Dawn: Asylum but the more they play it, the more Silent Dawn erodes their sanity, until they can’t tell reality from illusion. We loved writing the story and it’s straight horror, but we’ve only just finished the first draft, so if they liked it and asked to see the rest of it, we’d be buggered.

Or we can disguise ourselves, give ourselves fake names and read all three and see which one they prefer. If it was just a case of doing a reading, like we did at the festival, it wouldn’t be so bad. But this could potentially land us a publishing deal. And if we pick the wrong book, we could completely jeopardise our chances. This is a massive decision. We can’t make that kind of decision! We struggle to decide which chocolate bar to eat for a snack! Perhaps we should consult the Magic 8 ball, although its advice is often harsh.

“Magic 8 ball, will the pitching panel like Bleeding Empire?”

Magic 8 ball “you may rely on it.”

“Will the pitching panel like The Malignant Dead?”

“YES”

“Should we risk Silent Dawn?”

“Better not tell you now.”

Glares. “Should we risk Silent Dawn?”

“Without a doubt.”

You’re not helping Magic 8 ball!

 

Long Live the King

When most people visit a castle, it’s to see the building or to absorb the history. We went to hear a king’s dying screams.

On September 21st in 1327, King Edward II was murdered in Berkeley Castle, and on the anniversary of his death, his screams are said to echo around the room. His murder would not be out of place in Game of Thrones and would probably be the plot had Cersei married Renly instead of Robert. Edward married Isabella in 1308 when he was 24 and she was 13. Edward was known to have male lovers, known as his ‘favourites’. One of these was Piers Gaveston. Edward’s father disliked Gaveston and had him exiled but when Edward II took the throne in 1307, he recalled him to England. Gaveston had too much influence over Edward and was exiled again. He disobeyed the order, believing Edward would help him. In 1312, Edward’s cousin, the Earl of Lancaster kidnapped Gaveston in Scarborough Castle and took him to Warwick Castle. He was marched to Blacklow Hill, run through with a sword then beheaded. His ghost haunts Scarborough Castle and lures people off the battlements.

Edward found a new favourite – Hugh Despenser the younger. There’s no evidence to suggest theirs was a homosexual relationship, but he had as much influence over Edward as Gaveston had. Isabella hated Despenser and it’s rumoured he tried to rape her. In 1321, Lancaster seized Despenser’s lands and forced Edward to exile the Despenser family. In retaliation, Edward led a short military campaign against Lancaster and executed him before calling Despenser back to England.

In 1325, Isabella went to France on a diplomatic mission and fell in love with Roger Mortimer, an exiled opponent of Edward’s. Mortimer’s grandfather had killed Despenser’s grandfather and Despenser vowed revenge against him. In 1326, Isabella and Mortimer invaded England with an army of 1500 and the English nobility’s support. Edward’s habit of taking people’s lands to give to his favourites made him unpopular. Edward and Despenser were captured in Neath. Despenser was ordered to be hanged as a thief, drawn and quartered as a traitor, disemboweled for procuring discord between the king and queen, and beheaded for returning to England.

Edward was imprisoned at Kenilworth Castle before being moved to Berkeley. Any nobles who were wanted dead but not murdered were kept in a windowless cell next to a 28ft deep dungeon where animal carcasses, excrement and the occasional peasant’s corpse were thrown. It was hoped the smell would kill him. Although Edward fell ill, he recovered. Eventually the order was given to kill Edward but leave no marks. He was taken to a bedroom and pinned face down to the bed. A horn or funnel was inserted into his anus, followed by a red hot poker. It was a common execution for homosexuals.

Neen is still working on the film set, so we took our mate, Tom. He’s never been ghost hunting. We texted him saying we were running late as we’d been in our grampy’s attic looking for squirrels. He said from anyone else it would sound like a fake excuse. From us, he knows it’s real. The trip started badly when our tablet malfunctioned and our documents disappeared. It took several panicky minutes of checking every folder until we found them. Strangely, we didn’t get lost, even though Tom is worse with directions than we are, despite living in Gloucester for most of his life. This wasn’t looking hopeful, especially as we’d left our directions in the boot. We rocked up to the castle and immediately spotted a dressing up area. We probably should’ve warned him a day out with us is like herding cats. We spot something exciting and go running off, usually in different directions. We rushed over and dressed up – Lynx as a knight with a card crown and Cat donning a fancy gown. We did our filming piece about the ghosts whilst wearing these costumes. You have to look smart when you meet royalty. Then Tom dressed as a knight for our group photo. Coming out with Calamityville means you get sucked into the crazy whether you want to or not.

We weren’t allowed to wear the dressing up clothes inside the castle. Probably just as well because Cat’s gown was proving very dangerous. We told one of the volunteers we were there because it was Edward’s anniversary and we wanted to hear his dying screams. She revealed that every year on his anniversary, somebody would leave a red rose outside his cell and also at his tomb at Gloucester cathedral. They never knew who did it until one day it stopped. She warned us and a couple that the steps leading up to the castle were deliberately different heights to trip invaders. We made the couple go first and told them we would be watching. Sadly, they didn’t trip. However we did on several occasions.

We entered the Keep where Edward was held and spent a long time doing an EVP session at the dungeon. Then Tom spotted Edward’s cell. Unfortunately we couldn’t get inside it as the room was sealed and we’d forgotten to bring our grappling hooks to enter from the outside. (Note to selves, always pack a grappling hook). We asked Edward to scream for us. He refused. He had the opportunity to star on Calamityville and he turned it down. One tortured scream, that’s all we asked for. Guess our reputations have reached the spirit world.

We eventually explored the rest of the castle, which is beautiful then we headed into the gardens. Tom found a narrow passageway in the wall so went in – already adopting the Calamityville attitude of exploring away from prying eyes. We followed then there was a right angle turn and the passage narrowed. Cat went on ahead in the dark and said “I can’t see what I’m standing on.” Then she fell down a drain. We all made it to the end to find we were under the castle. Tom picked up his first Calamityville injury by bashing his shoulder on a low piece of wall and Lynx also fell down the drain. In the garden was a small stone building that we intend to use as a writing shed when we conquer the castle. There were also cool trees so we climbed them, even though our long skirts were not practical for tree climbing. There was also what we all dubbed ‘the evil tree’ as it was all twisted and set in a circular ditch, clearly having crawled its way out of hell. Cat swung off it and hurt her wrist, verifying our belief in its evil. Then we remembered we’d forgotten to use our new Ghost Radar Legacy app on our Nexus by Edward’s cell. Cursing, we switched it on and were discussing the tree. The Ghost Radar said “branch.” We returned to the castle and Edward’s cell and Lynx filmed the Nexus. The Ghost Radar said “camera.” Other than that it had nothing to say.

Edward II’s cell

We hung out near the dungeon while a guide gave a tour. She said there were 3 versions of the story – the poker, he was smothered or he escaped and lived happily ever after. We glowered like Gorgons. No. He got the poker treatment. We refuse to accept any other version. We didn’t come to listen to muffles. The Radar was showing coloured blobs in the dungeon, which apparently means a ghost is near. When we moved back to Edward’s cell, we offered Tom as a gift to Edward. We’d Google imaged Edward’s ‘favourites’ and Tom didn’t look like them (they were unattractive with ridiculous hair) but we thought it was worth a try. A red blob glowed on the radar, which meant a strong presence. Clearly Edward was pleased with our offering. Probably should’ve warned Tom he would be offered as a gift to a murdered ghost. But that’s what happens when you’re a guest on Calamityville: there is a strong possibility you will be sacrificed.

We drove to Gloucester cathedral, again without getting lost or nearly dying. We happened to show up when there was an art exhibition on. This type of thing always happens to us. Though we usually turn up at someone’s wedding.  We bought filming and photography permits then dashed through the cathedral to join the crypt tour. We’d imagined the crypts to be filled with cobwebs, winding passageways and mummified corpses just waiting for us to awaken them and unleash them on the unsuspecting our guests. Like our tomb will be.

Gloucester cathedral

There were lots of statues from the exhibition. One of them looked like a Targaryen dragon egg. We wanted to sneak it out and hatch it in a fire. We’ve never owned a dragon and setting fire to our enemies would be a great party trick. We tracked down Edward II’s tomb and got out the Ghost Radar. We couldn’t do an EVP session as the organ was deafening, but the Ghost Radar helpfully supplied us with words such as “coal” and “cotton.” We think it was a bit confused. We found amazing skull sculptures and a wheel made of broken metal skeletons that we wanted to buy. However there’s no way we could ever afford to buy something that come from an exhibition and getting it home in the Mini would be tricky.

the crypts

We walked to Blackfrairs Priory, which is rumoured to be haunted by monks. Monks are very keen on haunting places. Leading deprived, pious lives is clearly a one-way ticket to ghosthood. Unfortunately the priory was closed, despite the website telling us otherwise. So we found some big foam dominoes and spelled out C.A.T.S. to alert people to our visit. Though we couldn’t put the full stops in, so people won’t think ‘ooh C.A.T.S. Calamityville Horror have been here’, they’ll think ‘someone really likes cats’. And thus ended our first ghost hunting adventure since the beginning of August. We brought Tom home with us to meet the animal army though 3 cats were AWOL and the snake went into hiding but the others made an appearance.

It was so good to get back out there instead of just lurking in our writing shed like we’ve done all summer. It was a fantastic day and even better – Tom wants to come back out on more adventures! So you’ll be seeing a lot more of him on Calamityville. Though we probably won’t sacrifice him every episode.

us at Edward II tomb

The Big Bang

We leave the house for half an hour and return to find the main road outside our street barricaded off because someone put a bomb in the tax offices.

We did not expect that on a cloudy Thursday morning.

Oddly, the police officer let us drive through the barricade to reach our street. Everyone else was turned away. The other drivers must have thought we were superheroes, dashing to the rescue in our hot pink Smartcar, canine sidekick at the ready. Or that we were bomb fodder. While most sensible people would probably be trying to find safety, we were desperate to get home. You see, the tax offices are opposite our street. And our animal army were all at home. Our sister Sarah also happened to be out and about in Llanishen – on the other side of the tax offices to where we were. By now police had evacuated the tax offices and Morrisons supermarket, which is next door to them. But not the residents. Guess we’ll just have to perish then. They hadn’t even told the residents why all of a sudden Llanishen was the place to be. It hasn’t been this popular since…well, never. People were gathered on the Glider field. Which is the worst place to stand as it’s right by the offices and if they exploded, those people would be the first ones wiped out. But the two local pubs were doing well out of this. Ty Glas Road was lined with ambulances, riot vans and the bomb squad. And they’re doing gas works all along Ty Glas Road too. This is the most excitement Llanishen has ever seen. And to think we used to think it was dangerous having the ammunition factory across the road 20 odd years ago. Was it something to do with the anniversary of 9/11? Or was someone really sick of filling out their tax form?

Our sister managed to hoodwink a police officer and he confirmed that there was a suspicious package inside the tax offices and that everyone had been evacuated. We hoped to Red Bull they wouldn’t attempt to evacuate us. For the first time ever, we realised amassing an animal army could result in us being scattered across Cardiff in tiny pieces. Sarah offered to lend assistance should the evacuation order be given. We have enough carriers for the cats and rabbits (well someone would have to share. That won’t end well) and there’s a carry case for the snails. That leaves pup, the iguana, the duck and the snake. We’d have to work out an exit strategy, one that didn’t end in a massive brawl with fur, feathers, scales and slime flying everywhere. Never mind our house, we were more upset that our newly dungeonised writing shed might go up in flames.

We then heard through the grapevine that it was a bomb. Things like this just don’t happen in Llanishen. People don’t even know where Llanishen is! (North Cardiff) You mention it and they stare blankly. Then you say “tax offices” and suddenly everyone knows it. Yep. The goddamn tax offices are our district’s most famous landmark. Quite frankly we’re surprised this has been the first ever attempt to take them down. The first time Llanishen gets put on the map is the day it’s nearly blown off it.

Postie was in our street around half one and we overheard him mentioning an explosion. About ten minutes later, there was a bang! Dogs started barking. About five minutes after that, there was an even louder bang! The dogs ignored that one. The bomb squad had been there for about 4 hours now. They all started leaving after that. The tax offices are still standing. Here’s the news article link and the update. They did do a controlled experiment and said the package turned out to be harmless. Perhaps they bought it from ACME. Really hope they didn’t just spend five hours barricading Llanishen only to detonate somebody’s lunch.

the tax offices, as seen from our house