Edward Lorn's Blog, page 105

LaBB 3/4/2013

The Brackster (Jeff Brackett) would be proud. I did me some research. Bad grammar aside, I came to a realization last night that has altered my course of action. When I start back on whole foods Wednesday, I will not be doing the two ounces every two hours ritual.

There was a simple error in my logic. Post-bariatric surgery patients eat two ounces every two hours for one basic reason. Their stomachs cannot hold any more than that. Also, they are put on supplements to counteract the lack of vitamins and minerals they lose by eating so little food. I came across that last bit of information last night. A thought occurred to me while I was having my final Carnation Instant Breakfast. The drink is eight ounces. So I grabbed a measuring cup and doled out two ounces of water. Let me just say, my eleven month old son eats more than two ounces in a sitting. Shoot, when he was first born he was taking in four ounces at every meal. So how can I expect to eat less than a newborn and still remain healthy enough for daily activity? I can’t. Not without supplements, at least. I take enough medicine already, I don’t need to worry about popping a damn Centrum every couple of hours.

My solution? I will raise my intake to four ounces, every two hours, then eight ounces for dinner. This is do-able. After researching and revising the diet I have laid out for this coming Wednesday and beyond, I will be taking in enough vitamins and minerals to stay active. Lots of protein, tons of veggies, very few carbs and almost zero sugar.

If I had actually had the surgery, I don’t think I would have been successful. I can barely remember to take my pain meds when I’m hurting, much less devote myself to regularly-scheduled supplements I’ve never had to take before. Nope, no more added pills for me.

On a side note, to all my friends out there on Facebook, Twitter and even this blog, I keep seeing you complimenting me on my willpower. No offense, but that makes me laugh. I have the least amount of willpower of anyone I know. That’s why I did this liquid diet, to try and cultivate some of this coveted discipline everyone keeps ranting and raving about. This is, by far, one of the hardest things I have ever done. 

Tomorrow is the last day of my liquid diet, and I will admit, I’m a little scared. I almost don’t want to go back to whole foods. I’m doing so good. What if I fuck up?

Blah! I’m E. What the hell am I so worried about?

LYF!

E.

 

The Wicked Tour Roundup!

“Sitting bolt upright in bed while reading because a relaxed state was just not possible during this daring and gut-wrenching novella.” Literary Musings

“… a cast of characters that will have you talking out loud!” Reading Renee

“You’ll also experience all their emotions – love, lust, disgust, rage, fear, agony, and loss – as you follow them deeper into their wickedness.” The Chaotic Reader

“… offbeat, humorous, and darkly wacky. The conversations snap, crackle and pop.” Laurie’s Non-paranormal Thoughts and Reviews

“… kept me on the edge of my seat…” Big Al’s Books & Pals

“… Dark, malefic, twisted, and often gross. I was awake trying to avoid nightmares the entire night after I finished reading it. Once you see it, you can not unsee it, and once you read it, you will see it.” Marie Reads and Reviews

“Well-written with a tight fast plot and well-developed characters…” I’m a Voracious Reader

You can view the contest winners HERE.

More 4x4s

4x4s

LaBB 3/3/2013

Thought I forgot to update, huh? Nope. I’m simply a little behind today.

Okay, so where am I? 371 lbs, down another pound. I believe I’m finally starting to level off. If I can retain a steady weight loss of half to a whole pound a day, I’m set.

I have two more full days on my liquid diet, and then the fun really begins. I’m going to have to up my exercise once I get back on whole foods, I’m sure of that.

Funny, you know what I miss the most (besides the coveted seafood salad dreams are made of)? Eggs. The first thing I’m having Wednesday morning is two scrambled eggs. After that, it’s on to a strict two ounces of any food I want, every two hours. I’m really looking forward to chewing again.

I did get hungry tonight. Very hungry. Stomach was growling, head was throbbing, and I came very close to talking myself into a tuna sandwich. Luckily, my wife is awesome. She suggested I have an extra Carnation Instant Breakfast. I did, and now I’m all better. Looking over my diet diary, somehow I missed my snack at 5pm. No wonder I was hungry.

That’s all for today. Nothing else has changed. Sorry to bore your heads off, but, like I said in the Redux blog post, I’m really only doing these LaBB updates for me, to keep myself on track. To those of you paying attention, I appreciate your support. To those of you who aren’t, well… you’ll never see this, will you?

Tomorrow is another day. Later!

E.

 

LaBB 3/2/2013

Last night, I dreamed of seafood salad. It was inevitable, really.

You see, the day I started my liquid diet, my wife and mother went to The Fresh Market. They came home, arms laden with wonderful goods. Yes, they knew about my diet. No, they did not care. You may think this a rather enabling and tortuous action, but they know how I love a challenge. Besides, they need to eat, too, and they are not on a diet. I am. Live and let live, I say.

Fast forward to last night. What was left of the seafood salad (about 4 ounces worth) had been sitting in the fridge for three whole days. I’d seen it, made note of it, and instead of grabbing it up in gluttonous abandon, I snatched my pre-made beef broth for dinner. All was right and sane with the world. Until I went to bed. I slept well, a full nine hours. Just before waking, I slipped into a rather realistic dream sequence wherein I sneaked into the kitchen, stealthily opened the refrigerator door, and began shoveling fistfuls of seafood salad into my ravenous mouth. The container was bottomless. A light tapping rose from behind me. I turned to find my kitchen filled with the entirety of my immediate family. Every head in attendance was titled, each person looking like a confused puppy. Impatiently, they tapped their shoes on the linoleum. Before I could offer up some ridiculous excuse for my dastardly surimi, mayo and celery molestation, I woke up. 

I am down to 372 now, so there’s another two pounds gone the way of the samurai. This is day four, people. I have three more days left of my liquid diet, and dreams of seafood salad goodness aside, I’m doing very well, thank you. This is officially the longest I’ve ever gone without chewing. Four days, nothing solid. Seriously, not even gum has crossed my lips. Also, everyday, without fail, I have walked one mile. My legs no longer burn halfway through the exercise, and my breathing has become less trying.

Of course, I still have a long way to go, but I’m happy. I know the title of this blog is “Losing a Backstreet Boy,” but my real goal is 100 pounds by Valentine’s Day, 2014. I will not stop there, though. I want to be 200 lbs eventually. That’s where dropping a member of a boy-band comes into play.

Nos vemos mañana, pollos locos!

E.

 

Ruminating On: Being Alone

One of the most important lessons I learned as a child was how to be content with being alone. This might sound strange coming from a thirty-two year old married man with two children, a dog, and two outside cats, but it’s the truth. Because I learned at a young age not to depend on anyone but myself for entertainment, I’m a better father and husband. I’m not clingy in the annoying sense, and I’m not constantly bothering the people around me, begging for help with my boredom.

A common misconception about those who enjoy being alone, is that they are anti-social and/or depressed. Many of you know this is a load of steer manure, but I would like to explain why this is untrue to those of you that don’t see a good reason for being alone.

I’m not a fan of entitlement. People who believed they are owed anything aside from purchased goods or services rather irk me. Nobody is here, on this planet, to make you smile. You must know yourself, your likes and dislikes, before you chance involving anyone else with your idiosyncrasies.  If you know what makes you happy, you’ll better judge who you should surround yourself with. In other words, being alone prepares you for being sociable.

I can almost hear a few of you already disagreeing with me, and that’s fine, because I’m not done yet. Social skills are important, but only on the surface. Eye-contact, hand-shaking and proper body language all help, but they don’t mean much if the attic is empty. If you build your social skills on simply being a people-person, you come off as a kiss-ass or just plain boring. Sure, there are plenty of people who love a yes-man (or yes-woman, for you brown-nosing ladies out there), but mostly people find them annoying. But, if you are used to being alone, you are less likely to be bothersome. In fact, you’ve probably done a good bit of reading and research in your time by yourself, so you might bring more to the table than the regular conversation about the weather and what kind of job the president is doing.

A perfect example of what I’m getting at are people with a good sense of humor. Pay close attention to the people that laugh at their own jokes. Mostly, they are confident and forthcoming. And I’m talking about real laughter, not that nervous tittering that’s only meant to make you join in out of sympathy. I mean true laughter, guffaws and the like. This is because, no matter what you think, they know what they find funny and don’t need your approval. Now, if you don’t find them funny, that’s your problem, not theirs. Hell, maybe you are this person and you know exactly what I’m talking about. I know I’m that guy.

The difference between knowing how to find contentment in being alone and anti-social behavior is simple. You are happy when you’re alone, and not because you are alone. Depression comes into play when you try to find your worth through other people. This is a hard truth. Depression is an illness, and can be quite painful, but there are several different versions of it. Some are avoidable and self-inflicted. Thoughts like, “I’ll never be good enough for anyone,” or “I’ll never find someone to join me in sulking,” is part of what’s wrong with our culture nowadays. You do not need other people to make you happy. You are not entitled to companionship. It is no one’s job, but your own, to make you happy.

Learn how to be alone. Then, when you do find someone special, you will be less likely to run that person off. 

Oh, and you’re also less likely to become a creepy stalker type. True story.

E.

LaBB 3/1/2013

March 1st and I’m down another two pounds. 374.2 was the total this morning.

It’s Friday, kiddos, so I have family time I should be tending to. I will say, other than dropping those two pounds, not much else has changed. Same diet, same exercise, blah, blah, blah.

Oh, tonight, I felt full after a cup and a half of chicken broth.

Four more days of this liquid diet and I go back on solid foods. Funny thing is, I don’t know if I want to…

See you guys tomorrow. Have a great night!

E.

 

LaBB 2/28/2013

What you are about to read should not be thought typical. I honestly do not know why this happened, but that’s why I’m here, writing this, to try and give my logic a try. If anyone knows why this happened, and I am not correct in my theory, please, set me straight. Okay, here we go.

I lost 14 pounds yesterday. Two days ago, on the morning of the 26th, I weighed myself at home, on my own scale. The reading told me 390 pounds. Then, I went to the doctor. Their scale had me at 389 lbs. Yesterday, I started my liquid diet, which I described in the previous LaBB post, entitled Redux. Fast forward to this morning. Ten minutes out of bed, I weighed myself. I was welcomed with a weight of 376.1.

Okay, believe me, I’m just as shocked as you are. I’ve never dropped more than 10 pounds in a single day. Last time I tried LaBB, I dropped seven pounds on day one, and that astonished me, but not nearly as much as yesterday’s reading did. All variables were marked and checked. Same clothes, same me, less filling. That’s the only thing I can think of, that I expelled so much waste (sorry to those of you with weak stomachs) as to drop almost 15 pounds. I was in the bathroom yesterday more times than I care to admit, but I assure you, there were as many number ones as there were… well, you get the picture.

I do not expect to maintain a weight loss this drastic. If this continues for another two days straight, which I fully expect that it won’t, I will stop this liquid diet and go back to solid foods immediately. I want to be healthy, not dead.

So what did I do yesterday? I had five servings of Carnation Instant Breakfast (no sugar added), mixed with skim milk, every three hours, then 2 cups of Swanson’s 99% fat free chicken broth for dinner. Before dinner, I walked 1 mile around the neighborhood at about 3 mph. That took me 30 minutes. I will be repeating this everyday, for the next six days. I completed everything today, as well. Rinse. Repeat. Only I had beef broth instead of chicken. Variety being the spice of life and all. I haven’t felt a bit hungry. Really, it’s quite amazing.

My walks have been pleasant, as the entire family has joined me. Even our beagle, Dot, came out with us today. I feel… clean. Empty, but sated. No bloating, no stomach aches. I have more energy. In fact, I rearranged my entertainment center this afternoon just because I couldn’t find anything else to do.

An epiphany hit me today. I wasn’t just carrying around my own weight, my own fat, but 14 pounds of excess waste. Some of you might say, “Well, yeah, of course,” but I never saw it like that. I think that was one of my many problems. I always imagined all my food left me after digestion, either burned up for fuel or voided out altogether. Whether I was just ignoring the fact that it wasn’t, or was truly ignorant, remains to be seen.

As a side note, I have a new mission. This might not be an annual event, but if it is, I want to do this next year. At my current weight, I’d be taken out easily, or unable to participate completely. Here’s the link: Great Horror Campout

Well, that’s it for today. If you have an questions, hit me up on Facebook, or drop a comment below. Any and all info on why I dropped 14 pounds in one day would be greatly appreciated as well.

See you tomorrow night!

E.

Losing a Backstreet Boy… Redux!

New Rules. New Plan. Daily Posts. 

So I went to the doctor yesterday and found out three things.

#1. I’m not nearly active enough. This is true. I get paid to sit on my ass and I do it well. You could say I exceed at it, in fact.

#2. I am morbidly obese. That is also a fact. You should see the morbid expressions on people’s faces if I go outside without a shirt on.

#3. To successfully lose a Backstreet Boy from my person, surgery is my only option. Dafuq? Say what? 

I was with Doctor Cut ‘em Up until that last statement. Few of you know that I’ve been contemplating weight loss surgery (more specifically a Lapband procedure… just Google it), but that was MY decision. Number one on that list up there is the reason why. No matter how much I want to lose the weight, I’m too damn lazy to push through the trying times. Yoga was awesome, as I didn’t have to do much of anything but flex and pose. But the food-freak in me wasn’t going to let go that easily. Exercise means jack-shit when you’re still piling in the carbs and sweets. To keep up with my intake, I would have had to run about twelve miles a day. Yeah… exactly.

See, folks, there’s something wrong with my programming. I need to reformat and install new software. The first step in the process was my doctor’s declaration that surgery was the only way I was going to beat the bulge. Sorry, but fuck that shit. I’ve always been the type of person to buck the system, to push against the rules, and bend them to my own will or all out ignore them. Also, the best way to get me to do something is to tell me I can’t do it. Thanks, Dad.

Here’s the deal. I need willpower, plain and simple. To acquire said skill, I am on a liquid diet as of today. Carnation Liquid Breakfast (No Sugar Added) 4 to 6 times a day. Chicken, beef, or vegetable broth for dinner, and sugar free gelatin before bed. How did I come across this? Well, it seems my doctor is good for something other than round-about reverse psychology.

Doc set me up an appointment with a bariatric surgeon, and in doing so, started the process before I even consented. Because of this, I was given a booklet on how to prepare for my surgery and what to expect afterward. This brochure gives detailed info on the diet I will need to keep before and after the procedure. The diet listed above is for the week before surgery, and is used to cleanse the system. Now on to the funny part. If I can manage to only drink my meals before this surgery, why the hell do I need the surgery. The booklet even says that the surgery is only a “tool” to help you feel full quicker. Stop me if I’m wrong, but won’t the liquid diet shrink my stomach just like the surgery would, just in a less permanent fashion, and without all the probes and scapels? I may be wrong, but I’m willing to find out.

After my imaginary surgery in a week, I will be eating as if I’ve actually had my lap banded… so to speak. So, when my seven days of liquid nourishment is up, I will jump to the section of the booklet that tells you what to eat after the procedure, that being 2oz of food every two hours.

Oh yeah, I’ll also be walking 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week, starting today.

Because I need to keep tabs on myself, I will be updating LaBB every… single… bloody day. This isn’t for you, the readers. It’s for me, the morbidly obese dude. I need to hold myself accountable on a daily basis. If I inundate you with emails because you’re subscribed to my blog, I apologize. I gotta do what I gotta do, man. Ruminating On is still every Thursday or Friday, so if you want to unsubscribe, just check back on those days for the regular blog.

I’m going to lose this Backstreet Boy, dammit! I swear to Tom Cruise and Walter Matthau and maybe even Macaulay Culkin (pre-heroin addiction), I will come out of this a decent-sized human being.

See you tomorrow.