Losing a Backstreet Boy… Redux!

New Rules. New Plan. Daily Posts. 

So I went to the doctor yesterday and found out three things.

#1. I’m not nearly active enough. This is true. I get paid to sit on my ass and I do it well. You could say I exceed at it, in fact.

#2. I am morbidly obese. That is also a fact. You should see the morbid expressions on people’s faces if I go outside without a shirt on.

#3. To successfully lose a Backstreet Boy from my person, surgery is my only option. Dafuq? Say what? 

I was with Doctor Cut ‘em Up until that last statement. Few of you know that I’ve been contemplating weight loss surgery (more specifically a Lapband procedure… just Google it), but that was MY decision. Number one on that list up there is the reason why. No matter how much I want to lose the weight, I’m too damn lazy to push through the trying times. Yoga was awesome, as I didn’t have to do much of anything but flex and pose. But the food-freak in me wasn’t going to let go that easily. Exercise means jack-shit when you’re still piling in the carbs and sweets. To keep up with my intake, I would have had to run about twelve miles a day. Yeah… exactly.

See, folks, there’s something wrong with my programming. I need to reformat and install new software. The first step in the process was my doctor’s declaration that surgery was the only way I was going to beat the bulge. Sorry, but fuck that shit. I’ve always been the type of person to buck the system, to push against the rules, and bend them to my own will or all out ignore them. Also, the best way to get me to do something is to tell me I can’t do it. Thanks, Dad.

Here’s the deal. I need willpower, plain and simple. To acquire said skill, I am on a liquid diet as of today. Carnation Liquid Breakfast (No Sugar Added) 4 to 6 times a day. Chicken, beef, or vegetable broth for dinner, and sugar free gelatin before bed. How did I come across this? Well, it seems my doctor is good for something other than round-about reverse psychology.

Doc set me up an appointment with a bariatric surgeon, and in doing so, started the process before I even consented. Because of this, I was given a booklet on how to prepare for my surgery and what to expect afterward. This brochure gives detailed info on the diet I will need to keep before and after the procedure. The diet listed above is for the week before surgery, and is used to cleanse the system. Now on to the funny part. If I can manage to only drink my meals before this surgery, why the hell do I need the surgery. The booklet even says that the surgery is only a “tool” to help you feel full quicker. Stop me if I’m wrong, but won’t the liquid diet shrink my stomach just like the surgery would, just in a less permanent fashion, and without all the probes and scapels? I may be wrong, but I’m willing to find out.

After my imaginary surgery in a week, I will be eating as if I’ve actually had my lap banded… so to speak. So, when my seven days of liquid nourishment is up, I will jump to the section of the booklet that tells you what to eat after the procedure, that being 2oz of food every two hours.

Oh yeah, I’ll also be walking 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week, starting today.

Because I need to keep tabs on myself, I will be updating LaBB every… single… bloody day. This isn’t for you, the readers. It’s for me, the morbidly obese dude. I need to hold myself accountable on a daily basis. If I inundate you with emails because you’re subscribed to my blog, I apologize. I gotta do what I gotta do, man. Ruminating On is still every Thursday or Friday, so if you want to unsubscribe, just check back on those days for the regular blog.

I’m going to lose this Backstreet Boy, dammit! I swear to Tom Cruise and Walter Matthau and maybe even Macaulay Culkin (pre-heroin addiction), I will come out of this a decent-sized human being.

See you tomorrow.