Keith Blenman's Blog: This Worthless Life, page 9

Ode to my stomach

Oh, belly fat.How you keep me warm on lonely winter nights.You're resilience in the adversity of sit ups truly does inspire.Without you I would no doubt be a lesser man.For you truly are a mountain where I only ever imagined a valley.

Rain and traffic

So I was driving to work in the rain this evening when I discovered my sunroof is leaking a bit.

Aaaand the rain pouring in caused this to happen:

...I believe this evening I'll be lecturing from BEHIND the podium.

In an evolving situation.

So I finally have a night that I'm all caught up in my homework and can some spend some time working on my novel. 
It was a pleasant feeling. I broiled a couple sausages. I put Batman in the blu ray player for background. 
Michael Keaton Batman, mind you. I love the dark knight trilogy, but there's something about Tim Burton's take that feels more... Halloween. Granted, I should be watching the animated series from the '90s. Mark Hamill and Kevin Conroy are always favorites and the goth-noir goes well with my writing. But it's been a while since I've seen Tim Burton's flicks and where else can I learn about dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight? 
Why did the man not make a third one with Billy Dee Williams as Two-Face? 
What? You want to see it too. Now.
Anyway, my annual October Batman kick and night of novel writing in full swing, my cat, Franny, decided to include herself.

Just chilling on the couch, sticking her paws on my head. But things escalated.




Now, I could just get up. Instead I've been texting pictures to my muse and moved on to blogging over my current situation. Notice how she isn't even looking at me. Eyeballs are just comfortable places for paws and this is perfectly acceptable behavior. 
Anyway, back to writing Necromantica. Chapter five, draft three, written with one eye.


UPDATE:

It's that time of year again!

You know it's Fall when all the local martial arts dojos start having their Halloween sales. 

Spooky!

Studying for a math exam

I find the only study method that works for me involves flashcards. Of course, when it comes to calculus I think it's still important to write the rules and solutions out until they're memorized. The result is... some kind of rational I'm sure.

"The painting has me again."

Jesus was fake...

At least according to biblical scholar, Joseph Atwill, in his book Caesar's Messiah.
















"Excuse me, sir. Shouldn't your parents have named you JUDAS?"



Now, I haven't read the book. Yet. I'm intrigued enough that I downloaded it to my Kindle so it can be buried under the other gazillion books I don't have time for. Anyway, my concern is that in recent years I've heard of historical documents from other such scholars making at least a few contradictory claims. A couple of times I heard that Jesus had three brothers and married Mary. My father had told me about an article he read in which some scholar found a document written by one of Pilot's advisers stating something like "I met Jesus and he seemed a friendly guy, but he was a witch and we had to crucify him."



Where the hell are these scholars finding all these documents? 



You're picturing men in tweed jackets, digging Roman earth by some ancient ruins, aren't you?



"Jack! We found another ancient document just under these bones!"



"Well what's this one say. Let me get my glasses and have a look... ... ... Nope. Toilet paper." 



What? The Romans had plumbing. 



Anyway, although the book was published two years ago, it's recently getting a lot of headlines and scrutiny. Basically the book comes with a supposed confession from 1st century Roman politicians stating, "We made up Jesus Christ to control the people." Psychological warfare. And the reason it's taking so long to get attention is probably because it doesn't feature any action sequences bouncing from Roman monument to monument while screaming, "Illuminati assassins!" every fifteenth page.



I know this kind of news doesn't change anybody's heart. Some of you who believe in Christ have been told the earth is significantly older than The Bible claims, dinosaurs existed, and that the Harry Potter books are actually pretty good reads. And nothing has a made a dent. So this guy can wave as much definitive proof in your faces as he wants, you'll still ignore him. Some other people may say, "That's cool, but The Bible still has a lot of good messages so I'm going to keep going to church." And others still will say, "Aha! This proves what I've been saying all along!"



Truthfully, I'm only posting the blog because I wanted to tell that Judas joke in the opening lines. There is a certain humor in a guy whose life work is documenting history and corroborating it with The Bible being named Joseph, the man who clearly did not father a messiah. But can you imagine how much more the book would've sold if he used Judas as a pen name? 

What sells better than my fiction? 1st Edition

I'll admit, a lot of the problem is my own fault. Even with all the advertising I do online when I'm not working two jobs and in school, there's only so much audience I can reach. I make my own book covers, which aren't exactly the most impressive things in the world. Also it's been ten months since I've published anything. Although Necromantica is right around the corner one thing I've noticed, for all you indy authors out there, the more often you publish, the more your sales increase. Having something new to advertise on Twitter, Facebook, and all the other social media sites is always a good thing.



But sometimes it's fun to see what sells better than my own fiction. Granted, that's A LOT of other stuff. But let's take a quick examination of one item in particular.



Mating With The Raptor is a seventeen page erotic short story about a warrior woman taken prisoner by a velociraptor who, from the book description, either rapes her or turns on some Al Green, opens a bottle of cheap wine, and seduces her. As the warning from the book description is quick to point out: This is not your mother's erotica.



Just out of curiosity, do your mothers often share their erotica?



Anyway, seventeen pages for $2.99. And why not? It was actually written by two authors, appearing to be part of a long standing collaboration. Some of the their other titles include:




Ravished by the Triceratops
Mounted by the Gryphon
A Weretiger in Heat
The Ride of Her Life (Centaur Beast Mating Erotica)
Riding The Dravon
Ravaged by the Hydra


They actually have 58 publications.




"Write what you know."




Anyway, I just wanted to take a moment to salute these two indy authors, Christie Sims and Alara Branwin. They have found their niche and are writing the things they love. Like, really, really love. My question: Have their considered a story about a chimera? Perhaps a trilogy? 




That said, here is a link. I especially enjoy the second review.

Coming soon, Siren Night, the paperback.

  

I’m
pleased to announce to everyone that Siren
Night will soon be available in paperback.




I
know. I know. Break open the champagne and kiss the person next to you. With Siren Night only available on the Kindle
and Smashwords (currently available), many of you have been saying, “Keith, I’d
love to read this first volume in your monster series, Roadside Attraction, but how can I possibly do that without also
contributing to the death of a tree?”




Well
don’t worry, nature haters. The paperback edition is designed especially for
you.




You
see, it’s made of paper.




Thankfully
there’s little waste created. It’ll be published as print on demand, which
means they only print the book whenever somebody orders it. The retail price is
$3.99, so it’s still a lot cheaper to download the Kindle app on your phone,
tablet, or PC. The digital version is still only 99ȼ, and truthfully I’d rather
you guys got that copy for various reasons.




The trees may live. But not
much longer. Due to a lack of marketing and customer interest my fiction
doesn’t sell. They’ll instead be murdered by Stephen King’s next rehash.
When it does sell I make more
money off the digital edition.
It’s 57 pages digitally, 74
in paperback. Either way, that’s not a lot of book for $3.99. Plus
shipping.
This is ‘Merica. You all have
smart phones and tablets. As long as you’re playing Angry Birds and
discreetly looking at porn on the subway, you should probably also use the
things to read a book every now and again. And my books are short. So you
can get right back to killing pigs in little time.





Don’t
get me wrong. I grew up loving Stephen King’s fiction. I’ve read On Writing a couple of times and the man
knows how to write himself a good novel. But in the past decade or so…




You
know what you’re getting when you read yourself some Stephen King.




There’s
an interesting thing about self publishing digitally versus paperback. When I
put a new book on the Kindle, I collect 35% of the royalties if the book is
below $2.99. At that price and up, I collect 70% of the royalties. When self
publishing a paperback, the absolute lowest price CreateSpace, and therefore
Amazon, could publish at was $3.59. But if you buy the book at that cost on
Amazon, I get 0% royalties. Bumping it up to $3.99, I get 6% of the royalties,
and it gives me room to create discounts and sales.




It
kind of puts me in an awkward position. Yes, it’s exciting to publish in a new
format. I’m really looking forward to holding that paperback in my hands for
the first time. For you readers, I want the book to be as cheap as possible. But
still make a little money for the effort. I know there’s the cost of printing,
paper, ink, packaging, shipping, formatting, and probably people at various
levels at Amazon and CreateSpace who are getting their cut every time a book is
printed. And who can blame them? They’re providing me with a much needed
service to get my fiction in your hands. And I’m sure they’re doing everything
they can to keep the cost down because, well, the cheaper they make it, the
more money they earn. So they quote me a price, $3.59. That’s as low as they
can go, and any additional price hike lines my pocket, with them taking just a
tiny bit more. So at $3.99, I get back just under a quarter. I also have to
sell about forty copies before I can even get paid for them. This isn’t too
unlike digital publishing, in which I get 35ȼ for every copy of Siren Night you buy, and payment is
received about sixty days after I’ve accrued a minimum of ten dollars.




Anyway,
I want the paperback to be as cheap as possible, but I also want to be able to
feed my cats on occasion. I don’t mind saying that $3.99 is more than I’d be
willing to pay when I can get the same story for a quarter of that cost on my
Kindle or free Kindle app on basically every electronic device known to man. And
also not pay shipping.




Whenever
you guys purchase a book from an indy author, this is stuff you might want to
consider. To publish a novella with the price at $3.99, I need to sell about 40
copies to get paid. If I’d set the price at $3.69, I’d need to sell 125 copies
to get paid. At $3.59, I’d be letting other people make money off my work while
not profiting at all myself. And realistically, I’ll be mystified if the
paperback sells forty copies.




And
just to be clear, I will make a little more money from readers who purchase the
book directly from CreateSpace, but the book will be the same price for you on
either CreateSpace or Amazon. And by show of hands, how many people have an
account on Amazon? And how many have an account on CreateSpace?




Friends
and family may be happy to go on CreateSpace and make an account, but some guy
in Utah who
hears from a friend of a friend that Siren
Night is both hilarious and action packed is just going to look it up on
Amazon and be done with it.




So
why publish on CreateSpace at all.




First
and foremost, because I could. It’s a free service for indy writers, musicians,
and filmmakers alike. Years ago I published a couple of books through iUniverse
and it cost me hundreds of dollars to only get 6% back on something that doesn’t
sell because all of their marketing ploys are designed for them to continue to
profit off of you while in all probability seeing very little of a return
yourself. I was never happy with their service. Every few months some woman in
Indiana calls to tell me she’s my new iUniverse representative and she
absolutely loves my book, Faulty Wiring,
and sees a lot of potential in it, so if I’m ready to go pro, it’ll only cost
me hundreds more dollars to include my book in their various group
advertisements.




“Oh.
Well, I don’t really have any money for those services, but if you really
believe in the product and think you can make tons of money with it, why don’t
you just push it on your website and other media, and I’ll continue to only
make six percent?”




I
always ask her what her favorite part of the book is.




She
never has one. She didn’t read it. And in answer to my question, I need to
spend money to make money. And if I’m in financial trouble, they do accept
Visa.




So I’m
testing the waters with CreateSpace. I’m publishing Siren Night as a trial run. I want to see how their books look, the
quality of the product and such. If I’m happy with this effort, I’ll be using
them to publish the paperback of my upcoming novel, Necromantica. Which by the way, let’s take a moment to look at the
amazing cover, designed by the beautiful Christina Irwin:











Ahhhh,
yes. It’s coming soon, guys. Very, very soon.




But
more on that later. This entry is about Siren Night. And now that I’ve spend
two pages basically saying, “Don’t buy this book!” let’s spend some time
discussing why you should definitely buy this book.




I’ve
already written a number of entries about the story itself. An immortal
hillbilly and his feminist lesbian sidekick are hunting a trio of sirens in a
hilarious, highly offensive romp that kicks off my monster series, Roadside Attraction. For as hesitant as
I am in making a paperback available, this is a story I absolutely believe in
and know all of you will love. You don’t even have to take my word. In fact,
you may be aware of a slight bias coming from me. Check out the reviews on
Amazon and Red Adept Reviews (although it’s since become Red Adept Publishing).
This story rocks. And truthfully, there are plenty of worse ways to spend
$3.99.




When
I set out to create the series, I wanted it to be a collection of novellas and
shorter works, designed to be read over and over after each new book comes out.
Things that are only mentioned in volume one get revealed in volume three. Some
jokes are told over the entire series. And while each book stands as its own
story, all together they create an epic revenge tale with an ending that I
honestly can’t wait to reveal.




Is
$3.99 every year worth seeing the complete collection on your bookshelf?




You
tell me. Here’s a simulation CreateSpace sent me to proof a virtual paperback:














Their
simulation may have not included the music. And on my phone the bass was nowhere near that heavy.




So
what are the advantages of publishing a paperback of this book?




Easy for me to give out/sell
discounted copies at events, book signings, or on random street corners.
Need an autograph? Now you
don’t have to worry about me ruining the screen on your tablet.
There’s still a lot of
controversy between reading on a Kindle or tablet versus a physical book. Some
people just prefer the feel of paper and they should be able to get their
hands on my fiction just as easily as the rest of you.
It makes a lovely gift and
can apparently rotate.
The world is ready for it.
Maybe.
For those of you who do
purchase the paperback and fall in love with Gus and Millie, it’s a lot
easier to share the story among friends than letting them borrow your
Kindle for the night or two. Especially knowing full well they didn’t
return your copy of Little Big
Planet six months ago, and even though you don’t feel like playing the
game any time soon, it’s still the principle of the matter.
No need to click on the
little footnote numbers. Both footnotes in the story will be readily
available for your laughter at the bottom of the page.
I changed a word. Just one. A
verb to be specific. And although I won’t tell you which word, you can
only read it exclusively in the paperback edition. If that’s not worth the
extra three dollars, I don’t know what it.





So
yes. I created and published this version of the book in about four hours.
Never mind the three or four months it took me to write the story three years
ago. But I did this more or less because I could make my book available in yet
another format, and if I’m happy with how CreateSpace treats it, my upcoming
novel can be released on paperback at the same time as the digital edition
rather than months later after I’ve saved enough money. That in itself is
pretty exciting.




That
said, here’s a closer look at both the front and back cover of the paperback. Do
note the cheap feel of the book. Although I keep wanting Christina to come up
with something better for my fiction, I will always want Roadside Attraction to
look kind of cruddy and broken down. I know that’s the weirdest thing to say,
but it’s symbolic of Millie’s state of mind. The book should feel junky, like
you just found it dying on the side of the road. At 74 pages, it also doesn’t
include any chapters or page numbers, and the series is told out of order.
Except for the end. Every book description is always letter Millie write’s home
to her mother, but doesn’t ever send. So in a way they’re her diary. If things
ever turn too ugly, she’ll drop them all in the mail. Until then, she holds on
to them. And over all the book is meant to feel like her life. With paperbacks
of it finally being released, I have little daydreams of people leaving the
book in strange and obscure places, waiting to be picked up. I want the next
reader to say, “Look at this piece of garbage I found on the side of the road. I
completely fell in love with it.”




And
yes, that’s probably how I’ll distribute a few copies every now and again. Never
the side of the road. Just interesting places, meant to be discovered. And
starting in a few weeks, you can even help me with this. Until then, here’s the
first draft of the cover:






Back:



Notice Millie is clipped on her left side. That edge is actually the border of the cover. So you won't actually see that side.










front: 



And here's the whole thing, missing the barcode:

Like a tetherball

So I have this dog, which is pretty awesome except that I'm mildly allergic to dogs. 
 Mildly. They don't effect me all the time. I really only get into sneezing fits if there are a lot of them around or it's
early in the morning. 
For some reason. 

 Anyway, the dog in question, Shadow, is a great dog. Half lab. Half beagle. We call him a beagradore. The only problem with him is that he is insanely obsessive with my brother. If Mike comes around, Shadow is at his side, whining to be pet, begging for attention. He cries. He barks. He carves Mike's name in all the furniture. If Mike leaves, Shadow goes insane, crying and screaming all over the house for an hour or two.



If Mike comes around, the neighbor's are likely to think we're all taking turns putting out cigarettes on the dog's fur. He cries that much and that loud. And it's only because he can smell Mike.



God forbid Mike is over but not in the same room as Shadow. The dog can't calm himself. 
 So Mike was over helping my other brother Dan, move out. We're carrying out the furniture and Shadow is locked up in the kitchen, screaming his head off. How dare Mike be in the house and not holding his puppy. The brute! 
 And then Mike left with Dan. I stayed to get ready for work. Which I'm going to be late for because I'm posting this blog. 



No, I don't care. I said I'd come in several hours early because a coworker called off. I can be five minutes later than the time I quoted to type this. It's that important. You all need to read this.
 Anyway. Mike and Dan left and Shadow is whining at me, clearly begging the question of, "Why?! Why did hath he forsaken me?" So I sat down at my desk to finish my coffee before getting ready for work. Shadow, crying at my side. And I'm trying to calm him. I pet him. I give him a hug. I tell him he's a good dog. But as I'm trying to calm the dog, my allergies are kicking in. My eyes are puffing. I start sneezing.



The first five or six sneezes, I cover my mouth. I deal with it. I keep telling the dog he's good while checking my email and stuff. 
 Let me set the scene a bit. The dog is on my left. On my desk I have my PlayStation 3 on my left, my monitor and keyboard in the middle, and the mouse on my right. The desktop computer is in a compartment below the mousepad. Right now I have my USB Kindle charging cable plugged into the desktop, charging my 3D glasses (for some very important Assassin's Creed 3 and/or Batman: Arkham City 3D action). The glasses are sitting on my mousepad, so the cable runs verticle from the desktop to my glasses. Also, I'm a bit of a slob lately. There are a few coffee mugs and a Coke can on my desk. 
 So I'm trying to calm the dog, drink my coffee, and check my email before getting ready for work. I'm petting Shadow, telling him he's good, and after the ninth or tenth sneeze, it's just getting old. But then I feel the eleventh one coming on, and it's coming hard and fast. 
 Ha! 
 You know the sneezes where you just don't have time to cover your mouth? This was the king of them. So with one hand scratching the dog behind the ear and the other holding my coffee, I immediately have to pick a direction. To my left, good dog and expensive Batman/Assassin's Creed machine. In front of me, monitor and keyboard. I turn my head to the right, toward nothing in particular. Pretty much away from my desk. And I sneeze thunder. It's quick. It's loud. It's awful. 
 When I open my eyes, I see it. Not only had a glob of spit flown out of my mouth, but the side of it hit the USB cable. And it didn't just spatter or stick either. My spit  was rapidly coiling down the cable, stretching and spinning like a tetherball. It went around eight times over the distance of about four inches, making this little corkscrew down the shaft of the cable.
    It was awesome