Keith Blenman's Blog: This Worthless Life, page 10

Jurassic Park IV: The Raptoring

 



I
heard Jurassic Park IV is in production. Or at least being drafted into a
script. And I can’t help but raise the question, what story could possibly be left
to tell from the series?



 



They
go to the island. Dinosaur mayhem ensues. Almost everybody survives. Cue John
Williams.



 



I
guess they could do something involving some other multibillionaire stealing
the technology or cloning the dinosaurs on the island and opening their own Jurassic
Park. Or maybe Dr. Grant gets back
to his dig site and realizes he left his keys on the island.



 



“We
have to go back!”



 



Or
Jack, Kate, and Hurley end up on the wrong island after a plane crash.



 



Don’t
get me wrong. I’m all for people running from dinosaurs. I just don’t see why
they can’t do a butterfly effect type flick or something else original.
Although I suppose if they were to go back to Jurassic
Park, there is one story and
character I’d like explored in further depth.



 



I’ll
keep this short.



 



Just
to point it out, we never actually did see Samual L. Jackson die in the first Jurassic
Park. We know he lost his arm. But what
if he survived the ordeal? What if he spends years on the island, outsmarting
the dinosaurs? And although he tries to get help off the island, John Hammond
hadn’t paid the phone bill and Samual Jackson couldn’t make an outgoing call
because of it.



 



With
only one arm, it takes him years to create a radio tower strong enough to send
out a signal for help.



 



Of
course when they receive the signal in Nevada,
it’s up to Sam Neill, Jeff Goldblum, and the paleobotanist mysteriously recast
as Kate Upton to head back and find him.



 



Obviously
they arrive and are chased down my some sort of dinosaur or another, only to be
saved by a one-armed Samual L. Jackson riding a triceratops and launching
spears straight into the eyes of T-Rexes.



 



The
kids, Tim and Lex return, and are eaten within the first six minutes.



 



Of
course it’s a straight forward tale. The helicopter needs repair before they
can escape. Sam Jackson convinces them to help him destroy the labs or take
embryos off the island or something. Things don’t go according to his plans but
they make their escape anyway. Except a bunch of compies and a dilophosaur
screw with the wiring on the helicopter and cause it to explode.



 



One
by one everybody slowly turns around and stares at Samual L. Jackson, only to
see a velociraptor nuzzling his shoulder. “Oh, you mother fuckers thought you
were going to escape this place? After leaving me for fifteen years?”



 



From
then on, it’s an all out war between Jackson and Goldblum. Jackson
with his dinosaur army. Goldblum armed only with witty one liners and chaos
theory.



 



And
who wins such a battle?



 



The
audience. That’s who.

Writing Necromantica, part 1: Mornia

This
is going to be the first in a series of a entries about my upcoming novel, Necromantica, in which I’ll be
discussing anything and everything dealing with the story. Perhaps some mild
spoilers will be included here or there. I’ll try to contain myself from
blurting out all the best surprises. But having worked on the book for a year
and a half now, I’m finding I have quite a lot to say about it. So much that I’ve
been putting off these blogs for months because I could never quite decide on
where to begin. But what better place than by introducing you to the
protagonist?




For
those of you who’ve seen the book cover in a previous entry, you’re probably
already asking yourself who that foxy lady is on the cover. For those who haven’t
seen it, here it is again:









As I
said in that other entry, the cover design was by Christina Irwin, and if you’re
interested in having her design your book cover, or have any other art design (also
website and game design) needs, you can contact her at crissy.irwin1983@gmail.com. She
also drew all of the other art I’ll be using in these “making of” entries. They
had actually been for a storyboard assignment she had in school. So I’m sure
she’d like me to point out how all of the remaining art is just a series of
rough sketches for a class and don’t showcase all of her talents.




Seriously
though, she’s awesome. And it’s actually because of her that not only this
story exists, but the character Mornia as well.




How
it all came about is pretty simple. It was September 2011 I think. We were
coworkers and budding friends, getting to know each other mostly through text
messages. And like I’ve said before in many entries, she’s been a regular
source of inspiration ever since we met. To the point that I typically refer to
her as my muse. Regular readers of the blog know what I’m talking about.




So to
give a little background, all the way back then, she had been telling me about
these dreams she’d been having. Epic, awesome, badass dreams. Usually in a
fantasy, Dungeons & Dragons type setting, she was a thief one night. An
assassin the next. In one dream she told me about, she was a necromancer who
raised a dracolich and was riding it around, slaughtering off paladins and
destroying the city. That’s a rough overview, but she’d tell me these little
adventures through a series of text messages that came in little pieces at a
time. Sometimes hours. I think one of them took two days to complete. And they
were exciting, full of swashbuckling, monsters, death defying stunts, magic, and
overall badassery.




…Yes,
badassery is a word. I just scribbled
it into my dictionary.




Anyway,
one night I couldn’t sleep and randomly texted her as much. So she replied in
me to just focus on a dream of her and I storming a castle.




That
was it.




It
didn’t help me sleep. In fact, it had the opposite effect. I ended up lying in
bed, outlining this quick little story about two thieves sneaking into an evil
king’s palace to steal some magical charm. An amulet. And just because she’d
told me about a dream involving necromancy, I made one of the thieves a
necromancer.




By
the next morning, I decided it was too much to send in a text message, so I
thought I’d write her a three to five page story detailing the events of the
adventure. Sneaking along rooftops, avoiding the guards, making our way into
the palace, and of course, some boss fight with the evil king.




So
instead of writing a blog that week, I wrote three or four pages. And then
quickly realized I was only a quarter of the way into the events I outlined. But
I sent it to her anyway and said there would be more to follow.




This
continued for about two weeks I think. In the end I’d sent her a fifteen to
twenty page epic of her and I traversing the war torn capital of the Fortian
empire. It wasn’t a serious work. I’d only meant to entertain her and indulge
in her love of fantasy adventures. I personally don’t read much fantasy. At
that point, just Lord of The Rings
and the first of the Drizzt books. So I gave it my own little spin and packed
it with our growing list of inside jokes. It was just a fun little distraction.





But
when all was said and done, I had written twenty pages of this epic adventure. And
although I was working on another novella, I began to reread my little fantasy
tale and think about how I could develop it further.




For
everybody wondering where the hell Roadside
Attraction, book two is, I put it off to the side (mostly. The rough draft
just needs an ending, which is outlined) to explore this tale.




The
main characters at that point were “you and I.” They didn’t even have names.
They were just me and Crissy on one of her little dream adventures. So the
first step was turning them into characters. You became Mornia… but after
writing a few pages of third person I decided I sort of missed that intimate “you
and I” element. It was something I’d never really read before. “I,” sure.
Plenty of times over. Most of my fiction is in first person. “You” I could only
reference back to those Choose Your Own Adventure” books I’d loved as a kid. Second
person isn’t all that common of a thing. And when it’s used, it depends
entirely on the reader to fill in the character. So I began to bubble and toil
over the idea of writing a second person narrative in which the reader is
assumed to fill in the identity of a very specific character.




This
is how Mornia the necromancer was born. It’s still a first person narrative, as
told by her sidekick, Lama (more on him later), but in any of his commentary
about what Mornia does or says, he simply states it as though he’s telling you
what you’re up to at the moment.




It’s
a little experimental. With the few friends I’ve tested the story on, they all
responded positively. One person said he never felt as though he was the
character, but took “you” as the character and said he really enjoyed Mornia
for who she is. Another person said she embodied Mornia and really enjoyed the
second person aspect. She was able to see herself in the role and take on the
Fortian kingdom. So with that bit of approval between friends, I stuck with it
and filled out the character around that. I don’t know if that embodiment of
the character depends entirely on whether or not it’s men or women reading the
story, but it still develops a unique experience all around. Women want to be
her and men can’t help but fall in love with her. Mornia is pushed through tragedy,
moral conflicts, action, drama, and other stuff I can’t really get into until
well after the book is published.



That
said, let’s talk about the role you’ll be taking on. Again, Mornia was heavily
inspired by my muse. And to discuss Crissy for a few minutes, at a glance, she’s
this beautiful little twig of a goth girl. She looks like a fantasy character.
Bright green eyes, dyed black hair flowing down her back. Her jewelry typically
features snakes, dragons, black cats, and the like. And getting into the entire
elf aspect, the character was influenced a lot by this one time her and I were
on a walk around a park. The whole time, Crissy could name every single plant
and bird. There was this little chick she thought was injured and immediately
went to help it. She’s very much into nature. I’d say more of a farm girl than
hippy type. She surrounds herself with plants and animals and puts all of her
heart into them. And these were all qualities I wanted to embody the character
with. For anybody who’s ever read fantasy, Mornia is very much a wood elf. Her
people grew their homes by shaping trees over centuries. She can speak with
tree spirits and dryads. She’s entirely attuned to her environment. Getting
into the character’s background, she’s from a place called Hylorn, where her
people were so much in touch with nature and the gods who provided it, that
they began to understand they very fabric of life and death. She comes from a
community where their magic is powerful enough to raise the recently deceased
and give life where it would otherwise be impossible.



So
the character lived this very free, spiritual, of the earth type life. She was
growing into a priestess and had some harness over the magic of life. But there’s
no adventure tale there. And I can promise you all, you don’t write a story
called Necromantica without it being
dark and full of tragedy. So it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that by
the time the story begins, Mornia’s entire way of life has been robbed from
her. Her people killed. Her village destroyed. Her means of strength are
entirely gone. She’s left a broken, half trained priestess, coping with the
loss of her entire world.




What
happens to a person with her sort of magical abilities after this enormous
tragedy? Well, it shouldn’t be too much of a shock that she turns to the black
arts. The magic she knew in her old life was to raise the dead. Although she
was never quite powerful enough to get the magic all the way, she was still
able to sense death and manipulate it to her will. The result of all her pain
is that she can control the deceased and use them as zombie soldiers.




And
believe me, she knows how to command herself some zombies.




Now,
again, I never read all that much fantasy. One person who read the story told
me specifically “Necromancers don’t work that way!” To which I basically
replied, “Screw you! My necromancer works that way!” And that way being, as she
possesses the bodies of the dead, she controls them like puppets. She sees what
they see. Their every action is to their will. She becomes them. So I’m not
just asking you to take on the role of her. You’re also taking control of an
army of zombie minions. And as the story takes place over a decade, you’ll also
experience it through multiple stages of her power’s growth.



And
even without her dead hordes acting to her will, she’s still an able
fighter/thief/assassin. I’ll get more into that when I write about Lama’s
history and his role as the narrator and how that relationship works. For now,
I’ll just say that for all of the combat and heist aspects, I more or less
tried to imagine her as the Grim Reaper in a slinky dress.




Which
by the way, she was originally in more of a hooded/thief-like ensemble. When
Crissy drew the cover and put Mornia in that dress, I reworked the story to use
it. She’s storming the castle in style, right down to her bladed heels. And has
a sense of humor about it. Who goes to the palace, after all, in anything less
than formal attire?






She’s
one of my more fun characters write about. On the surface she can be fun and
flirty, or quiet and reserved. There’s always the tragedy of her people with
her, and the things she does to alleviate that agony are going on adventures, disguising
herself, stealing, and taking on the soldiers of our evil kingdom. She’s a
discontented heart; a perfect, blooming, black rose, planted alongside an
erupting volcano. And as I finish up this novel, I’m greatly looking forward to
sharing her adventure with you. There’s still some editing and such to be done,
but Necromantica is coming soon. I’ll
keep posting these entries discussing the characters and story’s development
until it’s released, so keep checking back. Next time I think I’ll be
discussing Lama, the murderous thief who’s going to accompany you along the
way.

Keith and Harper in the morning

So I'm lying on the couch, studying my trigonometry flashcards before an exam, with one of the cats at my feet, purring away. I brush her back with my toe and she purrs a little louder. I look over my cards to see her and... The cat is totally staring at my crotch, isn't she? 


Also, you're totally staring at it too now, aren't you?

XBox One and PS4: Backward compatability on digital content?

Well the new systems are finally coming, and while I upgraded to the PS3 and XBox 360 as soon as they came out, I think I'm going to hold off for a while on both of these buggers.



Also, yes, the only reason I'm discussing this in my blog is because it gets me hitsI want to sell you books. These books:


    



 
Both of which are available on your Kindle and free Kindle apps on devices everywhere. And coming soon:







Anyways, that shameless advertising aside, my interest in both new systems was weighing somewhat heavily on one thing. Backwards compatibility.



I know. I know. Eventually we all stop playing our old games and move on to new ones. Out with the old. In with the new. If you like them so much, just keep your old systems and play them until they die.



...Until. They. Die.



Can you guys imagine if Apple said, "All the music you purchased on iTunes is incompatible with the new iPhone. Yes, the new phone is better designed, more powerful, and clearly an orgasmic celebration of cutting edge technology. But if you want to use it listen to all those Celine Dion albums you purchased from us for our previous model, you're just going to have to go fuck yourselves."



...No, I don't listen to Celine Dion.



Not to make a big fuss about it. I'm sure by the time the next-gen Uncharted or Batman game is released, I'll talk myself into purchasing one system or another. But as far as current gen goes, I'm on my fifth XBox 360. Granted, I only paid for the first and last one due to some excellent customer service in the face of a lemon of a product. But all that time, I've been purchasing content from their online stores. Add-ons and games. I'm one of the suckers who purchases all the costume packs and horse armor. So I've put a serious investment in getting the most out of my gaming systems. With the new XBox coming out, when this latest one dies I'm suddenly given the option: Do I give up the brand because clearly they make crap hardware? Do I purchase another 360 because, my god, there isn't enough Castle Crashers in the world to satisfy my appetite? Or do I say good-bye to the glory days of Castle Crashers and ummm... I don't know... Hexic(?) because the next gen is where it's at and despite my earlier purchases, I probably wasn't going to play them that much more anyway?



Or as another example: I purchased several Final Fantasy games on the PlayStation Network Store. They were PS1 games available for $5-$10 and emulated for my enjoyment. On the PlayStation 4, when those games are inevitably made available because they're cash cows, will Sony honor my previous purchase and allow me to download those games again for free? Or because it's new hardware and probably some different little emulation trick, are they expecting another five or ten bucks? Because that's pretty sleazy. And it doesn't just go for older titles available on the current system. This generation we've all blown plenty of money on HD remasters of our favorites. Such as Shadow of the Colossus, which is a game that came out late in the last gen cycle. It wasn't even that long ago, and already many of us were willing to throw down another $20 to download it. Or pay $40 for the disc that included Ico. Anyway, these are games that I loved years ago, that I still love today, and that I want to be able to play for years and years. I want to be able to sit down with all my little nieces and nephews in ten or fifteen years, put in Shadow of the Colossus, and say, "All right. Check this shit." I refuse to believe people will be remaking and remastering this game over and over for years, making it HD-ier(?).



I know it's different technology, but blu-ray players still play DVDs and CDs. Surely Sony and Microsoft could've just designed their new products with their customers in mind. They easily could've said, "You've been supporting our companies for generations of hardware cycles, all of us enjoying a good thing. We want to make sure you can still get the most out of everything you've already invested in us. Yes! Of course you can still play all your old games on our new systems. Why would you even have to ask?"



Rather, the matter was handled by both companies in saying, "Nah." And then metaphorically shrugging and putting out their big ol' corporate cigars on our eyeballs.



...There's probably also a few teabagging jokes to include afterward.



Anyways, it's a crap decision. Both companies know it. We'll see how they handle the inevitable release of digital content. Something tells me we'll be pretty disappointed.

Necrocoverca

You
guys want to see something amazing?




Are
you ready for it?




Do
you think you can handle it?




Because
even if you can’t handle it, a good portion of it is probably already on your
screen anyway. I really tried to draw out the suspense but realistically, yeah.
There it is, for all the world to behold The book cover for Necromantica.




Go
ahead. Drink it in!












I
haven’t even finished editing the book and my wonderful, beautiful, incredibly
talented Christina Irwin designed this piece of awesomeness for me.




I
have to be honest guys, I’ve written this blog five times already and I keep
deleting everything I type because the cover completely speaks for itself. I
know I’ve mentioned the characters in several other entries, and I want to tell
you everything there is to say about them, But for now I think I’ll settle down
and just give you a quick introduction. You’ll be learning a lot more about
them when the book is released. So everybody, let me introduce you to Lama
Percour and Mornia De’Onyxia. Lama is a rogue murderer and thief with a
penchant for throwing knives and short swords. His partner in crime, Mornia, is
an elf priestess who lost her way after a great tragedy (ooooo, ominous!),
leading her toward the dark magic of necromancy. And accompanying them both is
a small troupe of Mornia’s undead soldiers.




But
what adventure awaits these two misanthropes? If you look back to the previous
blog entry, you’ll see a number of book descriptions I’m deciding between. Feel
free to comment on them and this awesome, awesome cover. Which again was created
by Christina Irwin. And as much as I would love to keep her art for myself, I
would be doing her an incredible disservice. All of you indy writers out there
should know she’s currently looking for clients. Beyond book covers, I highly
recommend her for designing websites, logos, advertisements, and promotional
materials galore. To discuss your artistic needs and her rates, here is her
email address: crissy.irwin1983@gmail.com.
Just mention my name and she’ll be happy to help.




…Or
don’t. There’s no discount or anything for mentioning me. Just ask her if she can
design something for you. That’s actually a lot more productive than my name. I
don’t even know why I said that before about my name. But really, she’s the
best. Shoot her an email. And keep checking back here for further Necromantica updates. There's a lot more coming leading up to the book's release.

Necromantica Book Descriptions

The
following are all rough drafts of book descriptions I might use on Amazon and
other sites once Necromantica is
finished and ready for publication. I wasn’t sure of exactly how to describe
the story, so I gave myself a bunch of options. Now I’m trying to narrow down
the list and pick between a few. Of course, what’s the fun in making such
decisions on my own? As none of you have read the book or have any idea as to
what it’s about, I’d like all of you to look over my list of rough drafts here
and decide on which of these sound the most intriguing. That is, which of these
make you want to read the book the most? Please pick no more than two. Leave a
comment in the section below, on my Facebook page, or in my email. Feel free to
pick by number, throw out suggestions, or even write your own based on the
information given through these options.

            Thank you kindly for the help. Keep
checking my blog for further updates.








“For you, my darling Mornia,
I offer a token and countless sacrifice. From the life that was stolen
from you, to the one you granted me, I swear I will stop at nothing until
you’ve been the given peace you deserve.”





Two thousand years ago the city
of Dromn was lost to the savage
orc army. We all know the tale of how the Great King Stolzel lead the
final stand, driving the orcs into oblivion at the sacrifice of not only
himself, but the kingdom as well. But of the few men who survived, some
reports claimed to have spotted the evil necromancer, Mornia De’Onyxia,
sneaking into the palace during the battle. Widely speculated and often
dismissed as fantastic lies, here at last is the truth of The Battle of
Dromn.





Legend tells of an amulet
that grasps within its form the very essence of power itself. Bound to
siphon the energies of the world, it bestows its keeper with an infinite
well of strength. In the hands of a healer, it can cure all but fatal
wounds. In the hands of a bard, his songs will influence the minds and
hearts of the people. And in the hands of a summoner, the moon gods
themselves will lend favor to the keeper’s will. The amulet may be used to
achieve the impossible, restore the world, and give hope to where there
was none before. But in the wrong hands, in the hands of blackened hearts
and vile necromancers, this world and all others will surely fall into
ruin and death.





“Hear ye hear ye! By his holy
command, The Great King Stolzel calls upon the presence of all sworn soldiers
and able bodied men to fortify the great city of Dromn
in this dark time of orc invasion. For the black menace approaches
unyielding, claiming the lives of all those who stand against it
unsupported. Only united in Dromn may we together outlast our enemy. Only
united may we withstand this evil. Resound the word and gather all swords
to the heart of the kingdom. By the grace of the gods, there we shall find
our salvation. There, we will have our victory!”





War and death have swept
across the nation of Fortia. What began as a skirmish on the outskirts of
the kingdom spiraled out of control into a full on orc invasion. With the
cities of Fortia falling and countless lives lost, King Stolzel has called
upon all of his remaining soldiers to gather in the holy city of Dromn
for one last stand. Amongst the many soldiers and encroaching orc hordes,
two thieves have arrived, plotting to steal the king’s greatest of riches
while the world collapses around them.





Wanted, dead or alive by
order of King Stolzel: Monria De’Onyxia of the  Hylorn wood elves and Lama Percour, AKA:
the fish thief of Luna Falls.
Crimes include murder, theft, conspiracy, arson, rebellion, assault,
faithlessness against the gods, witchcraft, and necromancy. Ninety
thousand gold pieces each. Citizens are advised: Do not attempt capture single
handed.





In the highest tower of the
great castle in Dromn, King Stolzel has placed the rarest and most magical
treasures from throughout the world. Fortified by the entire city of Dromn
and protected by the most elite soldiers of the Fortian army, only a complete
fool would attempt a heist. But when the entire kingdom is ravaged by an
orc invasion, two thieves conspire to do the impossible.





Thank you again for the help, everybody! Any and all feedback is appreciated. Also, to help geek everybody up for the book's nearing release, check out these awesome Necromantica coffee mugs from Zazzle. One features the complete 1080 wallpaper from above. The other is of the wave dragon, one of the many creatures and foes Lama and Mornia will be facing in their coming adventure. Click on either mug to get one of your very own.



The Wave Dragon Mug by Blenmans

In regards to the illusion(?) of choice

 



Here’s one for all you late night philosophers out there.



 



We’re all familiar with the concept of parallel realities,
right? Every time you make a decision, an alternate reality is created in which
the choice you didn’t make occurs and the consequences of that action play out.



 



Think of life like a set equation.



 



Life – Y = 42X



 



X
and Y are just the variables. Did you wear black or red today? Did you decide
on the GM or the Ford? Marry, fuck, or kill? All those decisions. Except X isn’t
just your decisions. It’s the decisions made by everybody, all the time.



 



So X
and Y are these massive functions with an assortment of functions within them.
And every single function, or every decision every one of us makes causes a
whole new parallel reality to form. And each of those realities spawn off
trillions upon trillions of other realities.



 



The
experience of life and the outcomes of our decisions become infinite with
possibility.



 



My
question:



 



What
happens when humanity dies off? Or when the sun novas?



 



No
matter what we do, and no matter how many infinite possibilities are exponentially
growing every day, ultimately there is only one outcome.



 



Everything
ends.



 



So
do you guys suppose the last man standing in every reality will be the same
person?



 



Or
as the equation of endless possibilities reaches its answer, will all the
realities come crashing back into one another, reemerging back into a singular
truth?



 



When
all of reality forms back together will it feel like waking up from a dream
within a dream within a dream?



 



Will
we perceive it happening or will it be as seemingly invisible and irrelevant as
the consequences of decisions we never made?

The joys of being bit

Why don’t we begin this evening with a little music?












Here’s
what I’m listening to as I write. Another night of chugging through my upcoming
novel, Necromantica. Honestly, I
think ninety percent of editing is just second guessing myself for hours on
end. The book has probably gone through fifteen drafts of little moments that I
write, revise, delete, and start over with, always returning to the rough draft
until I find something better to say.




I
keep wanting to incorporate a feature in my blog, notifying people of the current
condition of my cat, Franny. Not that any of you care, but it seems the
Internet just can’t get enough of cats, so who am I to argue? Currently Fran is
sitting in her glider chair by the sliding door. It’s occurring to me that this
is something she’s done for as long as I’ve had her. In my second apartment, my
roommate had a similar glider, kept by the sliding door to our balcony. Fran
would occupy it during the day, and should anybody else choose to use it, their
lap would be used as a substitute for her favorite cushion.






Look
at her go.




Anyways,
I didn’t open a new document just to discuss my cat.




I
could, mind you. I seriously could. Many times over. Including an abundance of
photos and videos.




She
actually has a few knots in her fur I have to cut out in a little bit, but we’ll
save that entry for another time. Rather this evening I’ve been inspired to
blog about something that’s been on my mind recently. I had started to write an
entry about it, but it ended up becoming part of a story. So tonight I’m going
to give it another go.




That
said, earlier tonight I found myself alone for dinner again. After a long day
of work and little rest, I didn’t feel like cooking. I’ve had more than my fill
of leftovers recently. And yet, anything like pizza or fast food wasn’t going
to cut it. So after a little bumming around town and driving aimlessly to
assorted… places… I found myself ordering carry out from Olive Garden.




Why?





Why
not?!




No,
really, I’ve been craving the seafood alfredo since my birthday. If I had it my
way, I’d make sure Olive Garden had a standing order of it every year. Their
seafood alfredo, a six foot pile of breadsticks, and just mainline the
unlimited soup into my veins.




Oh,
and cheese on the salad please.




More.




And
wine. Pinot Grigio.




Wine
and cheese.




Now.




Anyways,
I was standing at the bar, waiting for my turn to pick up my food. And there’s
this young couple ahead of me. I’m guessing late teens, early twenties, and
very much in love. There was some definite PDA. Enough to induce a little eye
rolling. Her thumb was in his back pocket. He was leaning over her. I didn’t
hear them say anything, but at one point they looked at one another and grinned
without any particular reason. Her nose wrinkled. He closed his eyes and kissed
her forehead. If it had been a scene in a date movie, it would’ve been a good
hand holding moment.




And
yes, as a man, having just typed that, I’d like us all to take a moment to reflect
on ninjas and machine guns.




Anyway…




Standing
there, seeing this young, flirty couple in an Italian restaurant (yes, even a
chain restaurant. I’m serious about those breadsticks. And I could eat Italian
all day) I couldn’t help but let my mind wander, reflecting on the last time somebody
made me feel that whole.




I
was thinking of my last first kiss.




Nevermind
the girl. You all know the type. Beautiful. Fun, flirty, with the kind of laugh
that lights up a room. Or rather a whole building. She had this energy about
her. The kind that makes a man trip over himself and become an utter fool. I’d
had my eye on her a while, but we were friends and I’d been telling myself that
wasn’t a line I should cross. She was out of my league. She could have her
choice of any man she wanted. I’m terrible at relationships and have a long
history of being an overwhelming disappointment to women. Something about always
daydreaming over ninjas and machine guns.




And
many other excuses as well.




So
one day she’s in the neighborhood of my work and wants to say hello. It’s a
rare thing to get visitors, and I’d been missing her, so the opportunity to see
her, even over a quick lunch break, was the best news I’d heard in forever.




Our
time was short, but we talked. We laughed. She rolled her eyes at me a few
times. I hugged her for just a little too long. Then as my break was ending, I
walked her back to her car and waited around for her to get seated.




I
can’t explain my thought process. I was conflicted between having to get back
to work and absolutely, positively not wanting her to leave. I was standing
outside her car, freezing in the winter air. But there was also this horrible
fog so the air was thick and soaking into winter cap.




She
was about to leave and I had no idea when I was about to see her again.




So
it happened.




Just
like that.




She
was leaving and I felt heartsick. It took me a moment to even realize what I
was doing. Like a knee jerk reaction to longing. Kind of. By the time I’d
leaned down and had my face right in front of hers, I had that split second to
plan out the entire moment before it happened. I would give her a quick peck on
the lips and get back to work. She’d call or text me later, call me an asshole,
and never speak to me again because how could I do that?




It
really is amazing how quickly anxiety sets in. That wasn’t even a record.




Anyway,
I kissed her. Lightly. Lips together. And when I started to pull away, she
followed.




I
mean to say, the two centimeters I made it away, she kept her lips against mine.
She even parted them.




Oh
my god, guys. She could kiss. I know that’s the absolute lamest way to write
it, but I honestly don’t know how to adequately describe it. There was a
harmony to it. Like I said before, I’d been pining over her for a while and had
on many occasions wondered what it’d be like to kiss her. Once I finally did,
it was better –far better- than I’d fantasized.




I’d
mentioned how she was flirty and playful, and that definitely came through. As
we made out for a moment she surprised me a couple of times. She bit both my
tongue and lower lip. She grabbed my jacket and pulled me closer.




“You
should go,” she said, reminding me that I was running late for work. And then
she kept kissing back.




I
think she said it four or five times before I finally caved in. I stood up,
backed a little away from her, and then after a moment went back in for another
kiss.




“You
should go.”




So,
yes, everybody. I kissed a beautiful girl and she was telling me to leave the
entire time. But what a moment. What a perfectly intoxicating moment. Ever
since, every time I take a lunch break or am heading to my car at work,
regardless of which job I’m at or where I work, I can’t help but look around
for her car. If there was ever a moment I’d like to return to in my life, it’s
that day. It’s that kiss.




Oh,
ummm… Ninjas and machine guns. Sunshine and chainsaws.

When you see it...

I don't know if this qualifies as a prank or anything, but...








Do you see it?




Did that last line encourage you to look again?




I don't know what inspired me. I got tired of seeing these pictures in Facebook, basically because there's part of me that absolutely HAS to click on them and see what all the fuss about. So I thought I'd see what happens when I post a blank one. It may not seem funny now, but how many of you are good liars? Just copy the URL of the image (not the blog) and post it on your Facebook. Preferably with the URL itself hidden. Say something like, "Oh my god, that took forever but it was brilliant!" Or something along those lines. Somewhere in your friends list, you have somebody who'll stare at this pic for a good twenty minutes.

A quick bit of fiction

"Sometimes they grow wrong"





Swindled by a stranger's charm, I cast three seeds aimlessly on the lawn last night. I'd jested a beanstalk but to my surprise at sunrise I saw myself gestating from from the vines. Three me's of near equal size, but only one breathing. "What are you?" I asked myself in a whisper, and then the other I answered.




"Cold."




Of his kind, the second sprouted funny and lied lifeless with his head still in the dirt. The third it seemed choked on the vine of the first, leaving it dry, wilted, and unable to ripen.




I clothed the first in a frost cloth and it asked for some water.



"From the hose or a glass?"




"A pot," he said. "One large enough to fit your- errrr, my head."