Matthew Rowe's Blog: Matt Cannot Write Here

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Growing Ideas Like a Baby (but getting something out of them other than bitter disappointment). Photo by Mathius Clamer

[image error] So you've found some inkling of uniqueness and brought your self respect back from the brink, eh? Good for you! Now, what do you want, a frickin' party with balloons and cakes jumping out of strippers?! Let's get back to work. You need to develop the idea. Now what I do, and I'm not saying you should copy me, but I have been praised for, if anything, my unique and brilliant ideas, is this: I ask the question 'why?'.

Why does this idea come about in this fantastic world you have created? Why is there a vampire who goes out in the sunlight? What happened to give him this love or this urge? To use another example, say you had come up with the awesome idea of a cat with an inferiority complex, because, let's face it, no such paradox has existed. Why does the cat have an inferiority complex? Perhaps it was the victim of a brutal mouse gang beating when it was tiny, or maybe it is someone more human in a cat's body. Either of these points give you some great character background and possible plot points.

From these initial sparks of ideas I usually get some inkling of what I am trying to say. What is my message? Strange occurrences such as these examples give rise to the opportunity for many wonderful happenings. These help drive the story. Maybe the vampire who craves sunlight goes out in his heavily protective gear and bumps into a news reporter who was just about to expose vampires to the humans, but our hero is now able to stop them. In doing so he unwittingly becomes a true hero and poster boy for his people. You could easily write a story about fitting in and fame and popularity from that. Our shy kitty cat might make friends with the rodents and be outcast by his species or gain their trust to fight against the dogs.

Can you see how each idea is part of a chain of ideas that grows bigger and bigger or do I have to have the information into your brain? Brainstorm charts and mind maps are an excellent way to quickly record and develop these ideas.

We're even starting to get plot points, we have the initial idea and how it came about. So next is, where is it going? What will the conclusion be? Once we know that we can make an outline for the plot. Will the shy kitty go from obscurity and neuroses to fame and confidence? Will the vampire go from outcast to masked hero or will his daylight addiction get the better of him?

So map your ideas. Each one gives birth to new ideas: new events, new characters to make them happen, places you want to use... Write it all down. And try not to lose it before I come back again next week and help you finish your plan. Alright, man?

Two ways to polish ideas up real nice like

[image error] Last time we were dancing around the mulberry brush sprinkling kerosene on it and waving a match near its imaginary face... for science! No, it was to see if we could make plant life a little less lazy and more pro-active. No, wait, that was my date.... In my blog, we were discussing finding and developing unique ideas. We surmised, or rather, I told you, young grasshopper, that the first thing I do with an idea is to ask what is unique about it.

Today, I want to give you a comforting shot of liquid tranquilizer through this fireman's house inserted up your rectum, and then I'm going to tell you something comforting. The rectum bit was just for fun, to see how you would react. It wasn't necessary at all. That's not the comforting thing. I'd imagine that got you worrying about all sorts of things, least being your bloody prolapsed anus (really, you should see a doctor). The comforting thing is that if you can't find anything unique, it doesn't mean it's a bad idea and that you are a bad person. Though you probably won't be able to wear a white gown of innocence any time soon. Actually, you probably shouldn't wear any white with your backside bleeding like that. Well, I say bleeding, more like 'gushing' really.

No, your idea isn't necessarily a waste of your pathetically short, painful existence. It's just, like a soldier with a bag full of grenades and a missing pin, we're going to have to dig around a bit more... and rather quickly.

Maybe you're tired. Maybe you've had a bad day. Maybe you are just that stupid. You've come up with a boring idea that's been done to death. We can still save it. Let's take vampires as a starter point. Oh no! Vampires have been done to death and they've come back again - quite literally! But maybe your heart is really set on writing a vampire story. So we have to dig around. You need to find a unique angle. Think about what everyone knows and automatically assumes about vampires (e.g. they drink blood, hate sunlight, etc.). Hell, make a list if it satisfies your organizational inner geek. Now you have two paths to choose from and follow. Unlike most paths you can try and follow both of these without having some serious spatial problems.

First of all, you can take this list and turn it on its head. You're probably staring at a piece of paper with some upside down words on it now, aren't you? Dufus! But I didn't mean physically, I meant conceptually. Turn the ideas on their heads. What if you wrote about a vampire that was vegetarian and hated blood? What if you wrote about a vampire that loved the sunlight and went out in it as often as he could. What kind of precautions would he take to avoid death? What would he look like? What might he encounter out there and how might he (or they) react? Oh my god! We are getting close to developing plot points and an actual story concept!

The second path is a little more vague. If it were a path in a forest it would be partially covered by long grass and tree roots. It would be hiding a few skeletons and certainly some lost treasure too. Basically, you can look at that list and see what has been left out. Vampires like blood and hate sunlight right? So what about vampires that crave vodka and hate mimes? What about vampires who sparkle in sunlight? What kind of world would they live in? Oh my God! What kind of nightmare world would they live in?! A twisted world where plain girls with no personality, one expression and the moral fibre of a gym sock are considered hot babes no doubt.

Hey, I said the exercise would give you ideas, not GOOD ideas. Like any process it has it's flaws. Still, a crap idea can earn you millions. In case you haven't figured it out, I just described Twilight.

Are You Unique?

[image error] I've been reading many more blogs lately. Among the best are those by Jeff Goins and Ava Jae. Of course I haven't read everything, but I like these. Jeff is more motivational, but he provides grounds for the techniques to develop you as a writer, while Ava provides a little more technical knowledge of the trade. I reckon the only thing missing, and to make a triangle of awesome is to look at developing ideas. So over the next few blogs I'm going to do that in more detail than usual. I mean, that's what I've been doing anyway. I'm not just ranting for my health here. I'm trying to make you think and see things differently so you can write more interesting stories. There's far too many about this chick who meets this guy but they can't be together because of this poo hole, then they do anyway. Why not fall in love with a donkey, or a backwards anthropomorph from Neptune with a spontaneous implosion disease? Isn't it an obvious progression? So let's get going.

Some people ask me "Matt, why are your stories so crazy?" and I hurl five fish at them and complain about the average angle of decline in young men's posture nowadays. Some people ask "why are your stories unique?" Those people I like a bit more. They are asking the right questions.

I like to think I write this blog to help other people have and develop ideas and not to distract me from the voices that melt out of the dark impossible screaming for my very fried turnip (no, I don't know why inter-dimensional demons like turnip, but it keeps me awake at night). So here's possibly my most important piece of advice, and how I begin writing my stories.

The first, the very first thing I consider about the idea I have is: what makes it unique?That's my starting point. It's the root of my labour. So it is destined to grow and spread throughout my work and produce new coloured fruit that tastes like chocolate lemmings or something. If I can't find anything fresh in my idea, no new approach, no antlered rodent, I dump it. Mostly this is intentional, sometimes I just grow bored of it. However, whichever way it happens, it is a good move.

Firstly, no one wants to read the same story over and over again, which is often why people complain about best selling authors 5 years down the line. I certainly don't want to waste my time writing a story that has already been written. Most of all, I don't want to be known for writing that kind of trash.

As I sift through my wardrobe (that is actually the hollowed out carcass of a pretend bantha) looking for my orange and green kilt and Darth Vader outfit, I some how doubt that it will ever be a problem for me.

Ultimate Cross Over

[image error] What if every story that had ever been told was true? Imagine if all the created universes existed within our own right now, how would that play out? It would be utter chaos for a start. So let's be so terribly human and try and put some order to things. Let's start with one story: 'Twilight'.
Okay, so we have vampires and werewolves being incredibly lame and fighting over the dullest girl on the planet. Awesome. Let's add something similar, like 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'. Now we have a whole rich universe and the outcome that Buffy would probably stake Edward within a few seconds of the opening theme tune. He wouldn't even be a major villain, he wouldn't be a funny aside, he would just be dust. Yet, remember we are talking about every universe ever created. So let's throw in Marvel and DC while we are at it. Hell, let's throw in Dark Horse as well. So there you have all manner of superheroes and antiheroes fighting all manner of monster and beastie within our own world. Pretty chaotic and probably a short sad existence with a messy end for most ordinary humans. 
There might be a few surprises along the way. Maybe the Hulk would kill some major characters, or maybe Buffy would destroy the Darkness. Then the aliens from 'Independence Day' attack... and they would probably be completely trounced by all the supernatural creatures of immense power that exist here on Earth. Smeg off back to your home planet, you stupid space weevils! Batman might be tracking down someone who he thinks is the penguin but it actually turns out to be Moriarty. The Hunger Games might be combined with the Running Man TV show and all sorts of new allegiances would be made. 
But just think about how much of this stuff takes place only in New York or LA. In other parts of the world it might be quiet. Take England for example. There might only be Sherlock going around solving mysteries committed by the old ones from 'Being Human', while Harry Potter and chums fight their evils behind closed doors, that is until the plague of '28 Days Later' comes along and quiets everyone. Then you have superhero zombies to worry about.
Which raises another good point. What storylines would be killed off completely? We've already discussed that 'Twilight' probably won't happen, but maybe none of the modern day stuff will happen because of all the alien invasions that would have happened in the 50s and 60s, but then the monsters from pretty much every story ever have existed for centuries so they would still be around to stop aliens.
Of course I've only mentioned a fraction of available stories from different media, and those to my personal taste. I cannot even begin to count the number of stories from around the globe. So let's just imagine a world in which aliens, monsters, ghosts, dragons, wizards, hit-men, gods, fairies government conspiracies, sordid love affairs, serendipity and the like actually exist. What story could you tell about that world?

Clockwork Earth

[image error] We had another earthquake tonight. Nothing too big, but it was the longest one in a while. Still the event of it happening has reenforced a theory of mine.
You see, here in Japan, we had an earthquake yesterday too. It was only just noticeable. We also had one the day before. The strange thing is that they occurred at about the same time in the day. A few weeks ago while I was at school, we had earthquakes in the afternoon, at about 2-3pm for 5 days in a row. Why are the earthquakes so regular? What could possibly happen within the earth's system to keep earthquakes occuring at the same time each day?
As you will remember, though not better than I, Japan had a huge earthquake on March 11th last year. For months after that there were many earthquakes all the frickin' time. Yet March was by far the most active month. This year again, we haven't had that many earthquakes at all since summer, but March has become active again. So not only do earthquakes tend to come at the same time in a day, but yearly as well. 
I have read some theories about this yearly occurrence. Some think that it is because in March many asteroids pass close to Earth and their gravity has an effect on our own. I didn't say the source was reliable, but I'm more interested in ideas. You should know that by now.
However, I still think that is a bit of a boring theory. A regular timetable for disasters stinks of some higher intelligence behind it all. God is pissed off. He's pissed off because he doesn't exist and he is messing with the earth to get some revenge on us real people. Another equally credible theory is that of aliens. They are regulating disasters to reduce our population and take us over when we are at more manageable numbers to subjugate. That or the Earth runs on it's own clockwork with plates shifting at precise times of the day. 
Either one of these ideas is great fodder for a spoof story or just a funny aside. Yet the question remains, what is really going on? Personally, I don't know what the human race would ever do if we actually had all the answers. It'd be a bit boring.

'i's Are The Windows To The Source

[image error] Every once in a while, someone gives you something that completely changes your view on the world. Sometimes it's advice, sometimes it is a story, sometimes it is the severed head of a loved one. In my case, it was an actual item, an iThing, an iPad. First let me clarify that Steve Jobs is not paying me any money for this blog post. Mainly because he is dead, and it is against my personal code to accept money from zombies. 
However, when I got a new iPad for myself I really did notice how clear the picture was. With all the applications zipping about, doing their thing, showing me different worlds and images, it really felt like a window into anther world. Luckily I realised how stupid this was before I tried to stick my hand through it and say hello to whatever beings were living on the other side. I can really see how it will help me with writing though. I can easily take it anywhere to work and write stories as well as research, keep notes and promote the final piece.
Another part of me couldn't help thinking it was all very Star Trek. I watchedThe Next Generation iteration of that franchise more than anything else and the equivalents of the mini-skirted girls who handed Kirk a clipboard to sign (probably sanctioning some emergency birth control from last night's roll in the space hay) had tablet devices. Here I was with one, and despite the fact it wasn't connected to a super computer that could manage and maintain a whole starship floating through the galaxy dispensing federation justice to space evils (which are like space weevils but less tasty), they just had their own power. Still I can do practically anything as long as someone else makes an app for it. I was Star Trekkin'. Yeah! This would have impressed me much more over a decade ago when I still had faith in the franchise, but still - it's cool.
In an interview about science and the same TV show , I remember someone saying that Science fiction really is pushing forward the boundaries of real science. Here is the proof. Anything science fiction writers imagine, people go out and try to make it happen - apart from the destroying the universe stuff, as far as I know. And, it happens a lot faster. Trekkie stars didn't get their tablets until 2400 or something and here we are at the start of the 21st century already. So how are far away is warp drive?
The point to take away from this is that what YOU imagine other people will make happen. So let's write some damn good stories and shape the world or some such motivational bollocks.

Promotional

[image error] As you should welI be aware, BOD is free on Kindle Friday and Saturday, but what you don't know yet is this great promo:

If you tweet "#amreading Better Off Dead by Matthew Rowe" with a pic of you reading my free ebook on your kindle…. I'll put you down for a free copy of my next novel when it's ready. How's them apples? Well them ain't apples. Them's a special offer.

Yee Haw!
Here's me book: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B007KSAXTI

Sequel Theory

[image error] Many people live their lives in a sequel: everything has happened before and usually better, the same faces making the same jokes to fewer laughs, all following a familiar plot point so that you know exactly how it ends. Some people like it like that though. There's comfort in the predictability. As long as you have some warm, friendly faces to spend the time with it's still worth your time and money. However, if you are paying people for your life you should probably make some new friends, stop gambling so much and possibly, just possibly, unplug yourself from that 'Better Than Life' machine and get 'Back to Reality'.

Ideally, you should live your life like an original film, but according to the saying everything has been done before. So good luck with starring in a story about invading Zargon warships while simultaneously having three thousand fulfilling monogamous relationships through time and space and a banana. Apparently, somebody has done that already. I would like to get his name and what he was taking at the time he wrote it. I'd also like to know where he hid it because I don't see it in my library or on IMDB.com

So, the best you can hope for is to have a life that is like the third film in a trilogy. It's not as memorable as the original experience but it's back to form and in some ways more hard hitting and impressive than the original adventure. There are some good examples in Die Hard with a Vengeance, Back to the Future Part 3, Toy Story 3, Army of Darkness and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. They are a redefining of the original concept, not just retelling of jokes. The core of the story has been retold in a new way, not just repeated. The moral has been mentioned for a third time and to much applause. Just like that last sentence.

That's how people need to be, but the truth is many lack the creativity to make this happen. It's not that the creativity isn't there, it's just been buried so long you are probably worried it will wake up craving brains. Don't worry. Humans are creative creatures by nature. It's society that slots us into boring little pockets like handkerchieves. Let your inner zombie out! You might just be surprised that he is vegetarian, and likes to play games, and doesn't shed limbs all over your carpet. And hopefully he doesn't smell bad either or the neighbours might complain. I'd hate to make your neighbours angry.

Here ends your little reminder. Just here =>.

Intergalactic Kegger!

[image error] Thanks, Rip Torn. More often than not, if there is a story about aliens it will involve them invading us (overtly or secretly) or some fluffy cute version befriending some vulnerable member of society that would have been down a coal mine 100 years ago. Rarer are the stories where humans are the invaders. Avatar recently covered that, but I struggle to think of many more examples. However, a recent scientific article (which is well worth a read and, in general, such material is great inspiration for SF and Fantasy writers) pointed to another possibility that I don't think has been directly explored. What if humans are the most advanced species in the universe?

So not only could we go out there looking for life and probably invade it, as is our nature, as history has taught us since we were big enough to pick up clubs and hit people with them, but we might gaze out there long before we are capable of going to visit in person and realise we are "it", we are the evolutionary bomb. The other option is that we are completely alone. What impact would this have on the human psyche and the development of society? For example, would the religious nuts go crazy and point at it as the final proof of god's existence (which in itself proves he doesn't exist - puff of logic remember)? Would mankind's goals significantly change? What stories could you tell in this situation and what would your message be?

Perhaps you would be the jock/frat-boy of space travel and journey around the universe in a giant kegger screaming "we are the shit!' at everything with ears... and probably many things without ears too. That's a bit boring though. How about creating your own new species through genetic engineering so when they evolve to space travel at least they won't be so alone? Though I believe that line or similar was taken in an episode of Star Trek: TNG. I'd like to hear your ideas.

Personally, I think there is some great existential comedy in there. Mankind gears themselves up for decades to fight alien hordes thanks to too many movies. They keep waiting and waiting for the invaders to come, but nothing happens. Then, they start to think that is part of the aliens' plan so they gear up for readiness once more. Finally, they perfect a sufficient form of space travel and go out into the universe ready to kick some arse (or whatever the aliens excrete out of) before it kicks theirs. However, after centuries more of searching, mankind still finds nothing. It starts to get bored and fights amongst itself. Then it gains the power to create life and so they make an alien species to abuse.... I'm not sure how it ends yet. Possibly in the death of all mankind through boredom and it has some kind of message about wasted life.