Nimue Brown's Blog, page 57

Writer’s Life – joining a conversation

(Nimue)

My friend Mark Hayes recently put up a blog about how misleading authors can be about their own lives and successes. Most authors aren’t making enough to live on – even authors at really big houses. Most authors are either working other jobs, desperately poor, relying on someone else to pay the bills, or have some other income stream. You can read the post over here – 

The Writers Life : An Honest Conversation

For most of my adult life, I’ve worked other jobs alongside writing. Some of those jobs were also in the book industry – marketing, blogging, editing. I’ve done social media work for people, I worked at a venue for a while as a duty manager, I’ve created monthly newsletters professionally and done office work and press work and all sorts. Most of it wasn’t very exciting, and I’ve not talked about it much online. 

I’ve also spent chunks of time being the person who was doing the boring jobs in order to pay the bills and thus enabling someone else to follow their creative dreams. I’ve been the person in the background who made it possible for someone else to seem like a successful creative professional when they – like most creative professionals – weren’t earning enough to live on.

I inherited half a house when I was very young, and I used the money from that to make sure I’ve had secure living arrangements. If the roof over your head is sorted, it is easier to invest time in things that would not pay rent or a mortgage. I’ve been really fortunate in that regard.

Up until this point, I’ve never been able to focus entirely on my own creative work. It’s always had to fit in around everything else, or I’ve been dealing with significant levels of illness and not able to work full time for those reasons. Right now I have the support to change all of that and a partner who wants to support me in what I do. This is not with any expectation that I’m going to make vast sums of money, but because he feels that what I make is worth supporting. This is a huge blessing and a privilege.

In terms of where I currently fit in the author success stakes, I’m in the top 5% for author earnings, and what I earn from books is not enough to live on. I’ve got books that have sold over a thousand copies, which isn’t bad going. As I dabble in ghost writing, giving books away and encouraging people to tip me, Patreon, and other oddities, my book sales aren’t the whole picture for how I do as an author. I have no way of knowing if I can do better through investing more time in my own work, but I have no doubt I’ll be happier for being able to do that.

I’ve had people tell me that if I can’t make a living from writing, it’s ‘just’ a hobby. It has been part of my income stream for a long time, and has brought me to much of the work I’ve been doing to pay the bills. If making a living was the measure of authoring, there would be very few people we could call professional authors. But, there are always people who go round putting other people down for want of anything better to do, and I don’t think there’s much point paying much attention to them.

As Mark makes clear in his blog, we need to be more honest about the book industry. It’s not comfortable exposing how things really are in a culture where value and payment are so closely linked. I write because I think it’s worth doing, and enough other people like what I do for it to feel worth my keeping going.

You can pick up books from my ko-fi store – https://ko-fi.com/O4O3AI4T/shop

My Pagan publisher still has a sale on ebooks today (use the code SUMMER23) – https://www.collectiveinkbooks.com/moon-books/authors/nimue-brown

My Patreon content is over here – https://www.patreon.com/NimueB

In a haunted valley

(Nimue)

Recently I had the remarkable experience of getting to see Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night as an outdoor performance at Woodchester Mansion. This is an unfinished gothic building in a valley that has a reputation for being haunted.

As the performance got under way, I thought I heard a loud crowd of people in the woods behind us. As the play continued, it became apparent that there was an echo in the valley. However, sound bounced around in some truly odd ways, so by the time the echo came back it didn’t sound much like the original speech at all.

One thing this suggests is that the way in which the valley distorts and reflects sound might well have caused or contributed to its reputation for being haunted.

However, it is a very unusual thing. There aren’t many naturally occurring places where you can get much of an echo from an unamplified human voice, especially voices that aren’t even shouting. I’ve never heard so much distortion in an echo before and the effect was genuinely eerie. Having been involved with events at this location in the past, I think it required clear voices and no background noise to work, along with people facing the right way. 

I feel this as a human interaction with the spirit of the place. For me, spirit can be about physical realities. Where the shape of the valley is met by human voices, a strange kind of conversation can occur and whether you want to think about that in terms of physics or animism, it is still in essence an exchange between people and place.

Despite all of the rational explanations, I felt the returning sound as something strange. Humans aren’t great at logic and reasoning, we make most of our decisions emotionally and intuitively. What is felt often has a lot more impact than what is reasoned. As I heard those strange, human-ish but not human voices from amongst the trees, I had a sense of otherness and the uncanny.

And of course perhaps it wasn’t a curious effect of physics. Perhaps those voices from the trees came from somewhere else. An uncanny audience gathered unseen, but heard. 

Clearly at some point I need to go back when there aren’t many people about, and try talking or singing to the side of the valley myself.

Riches for Witches

(Review by Nimue)

This is a book that blends pragmatism with magic in the best possible way. Even if you aren’t a witchcraft practitioner, it’s worth reading this book just for the questions it asks and the challenges it poses, because there’s a lot to consider and learn from here. Sheena Cundy takes on the idea that you shouldn’t do magic for money, and that money is itself an evil, and shows us how to rethink our relationship with finances and abundance.

I’m wary of books that suggest we can just manifest whatever we want, not least because the people who think they can often are just failing to recognise the power of their own privilege. So, it’s refreshing to read a book about wealth from someone who isn’t claiming you can have everything right now. This is a book about doing the work and much of it is involved with the practical and psychological aspects of getting the work that will bring you the rewards you seek. This is at least as much about practical action and being alert to your own thinking processes as it is about spells and seeking magical help.

If you’re struggling with feelings that money is unspiritual, and that’s impacting on your ability to cope with life, you should definitely read this book. If you’re overwhelmed with over-working, or struggling to find a sense of direction, this book has a great deal to offer. There’s a large toolkit here including meditation, pathworking, contemplation, creativity, business advice, promotional tips, spells, rituals, and more. It’s a diverse offering so however you like to work, the odds are you’ll find all sorts of things to deploy.

The questions raised by this book had quite an impact on me. It’s prompted me to have a serious look at my own thinking about money and abundance, to recognise how some of my own money anxieties work, and to look hard at my sense of self worth. My take away from this is that I need to rethink my attitude to what I enjoy and what I’m comfortable with, and I need to be more at ease with my own sense of self worth. These aren’t thoughts I can work through quickly, but I’m weaving them into the mix as part of my ongoing upheavals at the moment.

If you’ve been taught to undervalue yourself, or if experiences have left you with very low expectations, this book will be a helpful tool for rethinking. Money can be an uncomfortable, emotive issue but when it comes down to it, this is simply a tool to use. Money is a method for moving energy and resources around, and when we think of it in terms of what we can do, it’s easier to have more comfortable relationships with it.

Sheena writes with wisdom and compassion. There’s no sense here that you’re failing if you can’t instantly manifest wealth. This is much more about the process of working at things, and how to handle your own thinking while going after a better life. 

Massive shifts

(Nimue)

If you’ve been with me for a while, you’ll have run into posts where I’ve talked about my home life. There’s not been much on that topic here this year. This is because there have been some huge shifts going on. I wanted to give everyone implicated chance to work things through and figure stuff out before I was especially public about it. 

My previous relationship broke down entirely. 

It’s been a really good thing for me, liberating me into a space where I’ve been able to take much better care of myself, and am supported in ways that work for me. My physical and mental health has improved dramatically. I’ve been happier in the last few months than I’ve ever been before in my life, and that’s taught me a lot about who I am. I like myself a lot better than I used to, I feel more at ease in myself and I’m hopeful. Depression and anxiety have dialed right down, and not being stressed all the time means that I’m sleeping better, so am better able to heal and recover. My blood pressure has normalised, my periods are lighter, and a handful of other things that had been sources of pain and misery just aren’t happening to my body any more. Stress is a really harmful thing when there’s a lot of it over a long time frame.

I’m much more inspired than I was, and I’m hopeful about life in a way that I’ve never been before. Life has become rich with joy, adventures, music, comradeship and all the emotional and intellectual engagement I’ve been craving.

Up until this point I’ve only mentioned this relationship in terms of the more public facing aspects. I’ve been performing musically with Keith Errington for some time now, and working on other creative projects with him. We’ve been friends for years. He was the person who inspired me to start playing the viola again. He was the person who enabled me to break free of relentless suicidal ideation last year. Thanks to his care and support I’m flourishing where before I was in crisis.

I’ve spent a long time with a sense of myself as a nuisance and a problem. It’s been exciting to find that I can reliably be a good thing, that I can inspire joy and enthusiasm in others and that there is a point to my existing. Keith spent a lot of time showing me how the people around me value me and has helped me rebuild some sense of self worth, and some much needed confidence. This has helped a lot with both the depression and the anxiety.

It’s incredibly powerful being accepted as the person I am, without having to lock down any part of myself. Alongside that I have whatever space I need to grow, change, explore and develop. I have an invitation to be truly myself and to find out what that means. Spending my days surrounded by love, support and encouragement has changed my life.

At the moment I’m focusing a lot on re-building my physical health and strength. I’m asking questions not just about what I need – as my needs are wholly met – but what I want. Rather than thinking about what I can bear, or make do with, I’m able to think in a much more inspired and expansive way and this has been amazing.

I’m in a state of profound gratitude. Joy has become part of my everyday life. I wake up in the mornings feeling blessed, rested, and excited about the day. I used to measure love in terms of how much I was willing to suffer for someone. The experience of feeling loved, cherished and valued, safe and welcome has been startling, and wonderful. 

Green technology

(Nimue)

Like many Druids I’m very keen on science and entirely open to the wise development of technology. At the same time I feel very strongly that we cannot expect to tech our way out of the climate crisis. As a species, we have to reduce how much we use and destroy. We can’t keep on as we are while expecting science and new technology to make that feasible for us and for the planet.

Often tech that claims to be green is sold to us on the basis of being more efficient than some other existing technology. This can be misleading – especially if you don’t really know how inefficient and problematic the other tech really is. What we really need to be doing is comparing new tech to doing things by hand. How efficient is a mode of transport compared to walking, for example?

Here’s an interesting example – the power it takes to run an electric bike takes less generating than increasing your calorie intake to power a bike. 

I’ve recently acquired a washing machine that can handle laundry effectively at 15 degrees C, while using very little detergent. This is better, environmentally speaking than I can manage hand washing – I’ve done a lot of handwashing. I can’t do it effectively at that temperature nor can I do it with that little detergent, at which point the technology clearly offers something worth having.

Greater efficiency is always good, but it may not be the biggest issue. One of the things we most urgently need with manufactured goods is to get rid of built-in obsolescence. We need the right to repair, and the means to repair. Throwing away devices because one part is broken and cannot be fixed or replaced is incredibly wasteful and destructive. It does however help companies make a profit, and profit is considered more important than the planet, this is unlikely to change.

The impact of fashion, and the pressure to consume have an impact on how we view technology. We get sold things on the basis that their newness makes them attractive. Better than ever, faster, and perhaps even more efficient – the value of getting a new whatever never seems to take into account the impact of getting rid of something that was working perfectly well. At least some objects will be taken away by the people who sold you the new one, and that does help us. It would be better if manufacturers had responsibility for the full lives of their products and I suspect that would do a lot to shift their priorities. The cost of disposal tends to fall on local councils in the UK, and thus on all of us. This could stand a rethink.

Technology isn’t the simple answer to the climate crisis. Better technology has it’s advantages, but we need to rethink how we sell and consume items, and how they work within the framework of our societies. Reusing, re-purposing, recycling, repairing and improving what we already have without replacing it all need to be part of the mix.

For more thoughts on sustainable living, check out my book – Earth Spirit Beyond Sustainability If you get an ebook from the publisher before the end of August, use the code SUMMER23 and it will be half price. All of my Moon Books titles are in this sale.

Druidry and ancient trees

There aren’t many topics where you can confidently assert anything about what all Druids do, but I think a love of trees is a pretty safe bet. Druids in untreed landscapes may have other plants that speak to them, poetically or literally. If there’s one thing more appealing than a tree, it’s a really old tree with a lot of character.

A tree is a very large manifestation of the natural world. They are easy to form relationships with because you know exactly where they will be and that they will be there all year round. Trees lend themselves to being hugged, leaned on, climbed and sat under depending on what suits you. They are really companionable entities and most of them are safe to spend time with. Yew trees require some caution, and some trees will drop branches on you (I had had that happen once) but mostly trees are friendly.

Ancient trees provide a physical link with the past. Yew trees are especially long lived, I encountered one recently that was some 1600 years old. That’s a lot of rings, a lot of seasons absorbed into wood. Trees that have lived for a long time have experienced many things, and offer us a sense of physical connection with the past. They are living ancestors in the landscape, and they can help us form a connection with the past. Spending time with them is spending time with history.

Not all ancient trees are as self announcing as this one. Some trees are very slow growing, so an ancient hawthorn tree isn’t big or impressive unless you know what you’re looking at. Coppicing causes trees to live longer, so an ancient hazel can look quite young if you’re considering the size of the trunks. The truth of the tree’s age is in the size of the base – called the stool – and coppiced hazels can create massive stools over time.

I’ve seen it said that you can estimate the age of some trees – most likely ancient oaks – by the number of archaeologists who can hold hands around the trunk. This was a very big tree. I didn’t have any archaeologists to hand but my guess is that it would have taken six or seven of them to embrace it.

Ghosts in the landscape

(Nimue)

Sometimes I look at a landscape and have a sudden sense of what it would have been like at a previous time. Recently in Shropshire having an intense sense of a landscape carved out by glaciers brought this to the forefront of my mind. While sometimes it happens for me in an unconsidered woo-woo sort of way, it is also territory worth exploring deliberately.

I try to see the shape of the land under the human constructions. I particularly try to see how roads have changed and distorted the landscape. I try to see where the water should have been, and in low areas, where there should have been marshes.

Sometimes place names give clues as to what was there before. The ‘ley’ ending of a place name indicates a clearing in a wood, and all too often is all that remains of the wood. Mere indicates marsh. Names with ‘cran’ in them indicate that once there were a lot of cranes in the area. Street names often reference the habitats that were destroyed to build them.

Knowing the history of a landscape makes it easier to look at it and see what has changed over time. It’s a good way of connecting with a place.

History is easier to read when there are human expressions of it. Buildings have their eras, and once you know what you’re looking at, buildings can tell you a lot about the past of a place. The one that always makes me wince is finding in villages houses with such names as ‘The Old Bakery’ and ‘The Old Forge.’ Where once there was a way of life and a community, now there are only houses for the affluent.

In the woo-woo moments I see what was there before. I see skies that had a lot more birds in them. I see the loss far more than I see anything that suggests progress to me. I don’t know whether I’m seeing something that has a reality to it, or whether my brain is just plugging in what I know about history in landscapes. I’ve not seen anything wildly dramatic, and that encourages me to think the experiences are genuine and that some landscapes contain ghosts of their former selves. 

Blaze

(David)

Blaze, our family dog and my familiar, is passing from this world. He knows he is welcome to stay here with us, after his passing, if he wishes to do so. I think he’s likely to do that, but it will be his decision.

In this life, he has been a cross of two big powerful dog breeds, an American Bulldog and a European Mastiff. He came to live with us three years ago, placed here by a rescue home after his first seven bruising years were filled with abuse and neglect. The home knew we were experienced and that we offered him his best chance of a safe and peaceful forever home, with all the medical care he needed. They were right. His three years with us have been exactly that, safe and peaceful. Also with joy and fun, which I believe came as something of a surprise to him.

I wasn’t expecting him to be my familiar. Our other dogs over the years have been dear companions, one after the other, but none of them made the quick and strong connection with me that I’d previously only experienced with my cat James, thirty years ago, when I came home from war physically broken and he took his warm purring residence on my chest and in my heart and mind. James is still here, all these years later. His this-world self lives in the weeping cherry tree we planted over his body after he passed, and I often hear his characteristic landing footfall on the bottom stair inside our house. I don’t know where he goes in the otherworld, but in this one he remains a familiar presence. The rescue home warned us that Blaze had to be a one-pet-home animal. He’s a killer, they said. But he’s been fine with James, and I think they might become companions now.

Yes, I’m grieving. I love him. I will always love him. He knows this, and I know he loves me too. Holding hands with my grief, however, is my certain knowledge that he will go where he wants after his passing. Be that here or elsewhere, he will be in his place. His world will be safe and peaceful.

I love you, my Blazey. I will always love you.

Triggers and conditioning

I’ve been thinking for some time that what we call triggers in relation to trauma are actually forms of conditioning. Treating triggers as conditioning would – I think – help in a number of ways.

Conditioning is a process of learned, unconscious responses. The original experiment involved a scientist called Pavlov feeding dogs, ringing a bell and finding that after a while the dogs would salivate when they heard a bell. (If you aren’t familiar with it as a process it’s worth reading around a bit.)

This is something that happens in the body. That’s a really important consideration. It isn’t conscious, or a choice, it’s an immediate trained response to specific things. You get there with trauma because you’ve had a powerful association built by an experience or multiple experiences that were harmful and dangerous. There’s a tendency to treat triggers like this is just people making a fuss. If it was understood as conditioning, that perception could change to something more helpful.

We know that unpicking conditioning is really hard. It’s possible, but difficult and takes a lot of time. Mostly what treatment for PTSD and CPTSD does is asks the person in distress to unpick their conditioning – often without anything like enough support to make that realistic. The best way to get rid of problematic conditioning is to layer new conditioning over the top. This isn’t easy either, and it’s not really something you can do on your own. If you take a person into their triggers and they just suffer, what you’re doing is embedding the triggers further. Making people revisit their trauma without the right support is known to further traumatise them.

All too often, people see trauma as a head/brain issue that the sufferer ought to be able to think their way out of. My own experience is that these things are really physical, and they are body responses, not brain responses. It’s very hard to mentally stay in control when it’s happening, which is what makes it so hard to deal with. I have a lot of willpower, I’m very good at managing my thoughts, and triggering takes that from me. I cannot will myself out of a situation that has robbed me of my ability to think clearly.

In the past, people used violence to train animals. Once an animal has learned to be afraid of the consequences of not obeying you, you can make it do things. Plenty of children are raised the same way, in fear of punishment. Like all animals, we’re set up to learn from our experiences so as to avoid pain, hunger, thirst and so forth. Hurt a person enough and their body will try to learn how to avoid that. Salivating for the bell is the least of it.

Reclaiming Herself

(Nimue)

Reclaiming Herself is the second DJ Martin novel I’ve read. This one connects to the first one, with some of the same locations, and main characters from Reinventing Herself crop up as secondary characters in this one. So if you’ve read Reinventing Herself that’s all rather charming and if you haven’t it’ll be fine, this novel stands alone.

I’m very taken with the underlying premise in these books. As with Reinventing Herself, this is at heart a story about a woman in her middle years taking control of her life. Jo breaks up with her husband, leaves her city job, follows her heart and discovers her own power and magic. This being a DJ Martin novel the magic is a very real thing not just a nice idea. Jo literally has sparks flying from her fingertips sometimes! However, what’s most important here is about female friendship, community, teamwork, justice and building the life you want. It’s a comforting and affirming sort of story.

The first half of this book has a slow pace, and the main action when it came was genuinely surprising as the story suddenly cranks up several notches. The crime element is innovative and unravels in a satisfying way. While this is the kind of story you know is going to work well, how it gets there is full of unexpected elements and I found it an engaging plot with enough unexpected things to keep me happy. I like being surprised.

This is a solid comfort read and ideal for anyone whose middle aged womb is rampaging and who could do with being able to imagine that this might be the magical reboot your life needs. It’s good to have reminders that we can change our lives at any point, that adventure isn’t just for the young and that magic can strike at any time.

You can find the book over here – https://www.amazon.co.uk/Reclaiming-Herself-Paranormal-Womens-Fiction-ebook/dp/B0C9R3QNQZ