Nimue Brown's Blog, page 34

Druidry and authority

(Nimue)

The title of ‘Druid’ is one that suggests authority. Sometimes it feels more comfortable to say ‘I am on the Druid path’ instead, and not deal with that aspect of it. I spend a lot of my time deliberately avoiding presenting myself as an authority figure. I talk about what I’m doing, and how that’s going, in a your-mileage-may-vary sort of way. I write a lot of these posts assuming that readers are in a fairly similar position to me and just like finding out what others are up to.

Sometimes it feels necessary to take a firmer stance and speak with more authority. I only do that when I feel confident that I have the knowledge and experience to back it up. I tend to be more assertive around bard-path issues. Other times there are issues where I feel so strongly that there are right and wrong ways of doing things that I’m prepared to be assertive.

A lot of that comes down to the idea of spirituality based on kindness. So much of how modern life is structured is based on exploitation. This informs our destructive relationship with other beings, ecosystems and the planet. It informs so much on the political side. Being kinder to each other and to the rest of the world is essential for fixing this. So I feel easy about using more direct and demanding language around these topics.

To assume a position of authority is to open yourself up to attacks and criticism. Not that posting in a gentle and understated way will remove all risk of that, but it certainly dials down the agro. Most of the time I’m fine  with that. I don’t feel it’s my job to tell people what to do and I certainly don’t want the drama that comes from ruffling other people’s metaphorical feathers.

Sometimes, not standing in your own power is an abdication of responsibility. Druidry as a path is one that calls to us to act honourably, and that doesn’t always mean taking the easiest path. There are times when it is necessary to speak up, to discomfort the comfortable and to challenge the status quo. Deciding when that really is necessary is one of the things that comes up around deciding what honour means to you.

So what I will say, in an authoritative way is that sometimes you have to be authoritative. Sometimes you have to assert what is true, or fair or needed and stand by that even if it gets difficult. When that will be true and how best to do it are much more personal questions. That’s not something anyone should be dictating to anyone else.

Celebrating Ukrainian Culture

(Nimue)

During April, The Folk of Gloucester is hosting a Ukrainian festival. This has been put together by Robin Burton – who I’ve worked with on a number of things, and who sings with Carnival of Cryptids.

The festival has multiple aims. One is to raise awareness of Ukraine’s struggles. Some of the art on display directly reflects this.  The event is also giving people a chance to find out about Ukrainian culture and traditions, and giving Ukrainian refugees in the UK the chance to come together and share in those traditions.

Putin isn’t just trying to invade Ukraine. Russia has a long history of trying to supress Ukrainian culture, and trying to deny the actual history of this country. Keeping that culture alive is an important form of both resistance and survival. I can support that by being present to learn and witness, and by supporting the space being held for sharing Ukrainian culture. Dictators tend to favour homogeny and to outlaw difference. Our cultures, traditions, languages and histories are precious things and should be kept alive. Supporting diversity is always a way of resisting tyranny.

I’m very glad to be a small part of this large and vibrant event. Mostly I’m going along to watch and learn, but next weekend I’ll also be singing. The festival includes performers from the British folk traditions as well. Last weekend we had a morris side spelling the Ukrainian dancers. It’s good to share, and this is a lovely form of solidarity. It also makes it possible to run a longer day programme and to draw more people in.

If you’d like to find out more, wander this way – https://www.robinburton.co.uk/ukrainefestival

Photo by Keith Errington.

Too clever by half

(Nimue)

For many years now, I’ve been following a blog called Your Rainforest Mind. Paula Prober works with gifted young people, and also supports the adults they eventually become. I started following because it was helpful to me as a parent. Over the years I’ve seen her talk about many things that I recognise in my friends, and just occasionally, things that are familiar to me, as well.

One thing she’s come back to repeatedly is the way in which bright kids can be shamed by adults for being clever. Using ‘know it all’ and similar terms as a criticism and a put down makes clever kids anxious about their abilities. I suspect on top of that it will also shut down a lot gentle, not-so-brilliant kids who will also become afraid of saying what they know because they’re getting a clear message that it isn’t welcome or wanted.

Enthusiasm for learning is a wonderful thing, and knocking that out of a child is inexcusable. I know a lot of very clever adults who are deeply enthusiastic about things they know, and very much want to share. They don’t do that to make other people feel small or put them down, it’s just enthusiasm and joy in the subject. I can think of far too many occasions when I’ve been apologised to by people who had just enthusiastically told me a thing and I’ve had to reassure them that it was welcome.

Granted, it can be annoying if you know a lot about a topic and someone tries to lecture you in it. In my experience this often comes from people who don’t know much at all and who assume you are slightly more ignorant than they are. People who are enthusiastic about what they know tend to respond enthusiastically to finding other people who are interested in the same things. That tends not to result in anyone feeling got at.

I wonder how much of it comes down to projection. The assumption that sharing what you know is a power move, or a put down might well say more about the insecurities or inclinations of the person objecting than anything else. It might be an issue for people whose own struggles mean they feel threatened if they aren’t the best at everything or are shown up as not being perfect.

I delight in finding people who know things I don’t, and who are willing to invest time in getting me up to speed. Part of my approach to Druidry includes a commitment to learning whenever I can. I can’t imagine anyone genuinely drawn to the Druid path would want to put someone else down for sharing knowledge. 

For me what this raises are questions about how best to support exceedingly clever young humans. Also I’m thinking about how to better support some of the stunningly clever adults in my life who have clearly already been through enough of this kind of treatment to be affected by it.

Changing how I look

This is the new cover for a madcap speculative novel of mine – Spells for the Second Sister – that you can find in my ko-fi store. https://ko-fi.com/s/f312aa059a

It came out last year with an entirely different cover that didn’t have much colour. I’ve seen at events over the winter that people weren’t even picking it up to look at the back, where books with stronger colours on them get a lot more attention, which was a significant motivation for the new look.

I like colour. A lot of my fiction books have comedic elements – this one certainly does and I think brighter visual approaches better represent who I am and what I’m doing. My fiction is speculative, and increasingly playful. Some of my older books are more troubled, but I think people need humour and joy at the moment far more than we need challenges.

I’ve been doing quite a bit this last year to lighten and brighten how I present myself – which started by revamping this blog. I’m a joyful person by nature. My gothic tendencies include appreciating ruins, nocturnal creatures and certain aesthetics, and there can be great beauty in melancholy art, but I’m not into misery or relentless gloom. I previously let my visual presentation with books be too defined by someone else, and I’m enjoying breaking out of that into brighter, lighter approaches. Updating this cover has been good. I’m going to sort out the print version shortly.

This last year has been a time of real flourishing for me, in all aspects of my life. I find myself stretching and growing in all kinds of different directions. I’m also a lighter, brighter person than I used to be. It’s not unlike the way many plants flourish if you take them out of dark corners and let them have as much sun as they need. Figuring out how I want to express that is an ongoing process, and one that I’m very much enjoying.

When do you admit defeat?

(Nimue)

Thanks to a recent prompt from Sheldon I thought I’d look at the flip side of praise culture. When do you admit defeat? When does trying to pull another person out of problematic behaviour and ways of relating to the world become something to turn away from? When do we stop helping?

The first thing to say is that none of us can take responsibility for ‘fixing’ or ‘saving’ someone else. You can’t help someone who does not want to be helped. How much time you are prepared to spend on establishing that is really up to you, but be aware that there is a price tag. Devoting years to trying to help someone who does not want to be helped is exhausting and demoralising. You can always hold space for a person changing and be ready to jump in if they do, but you can’t save them from themselves.

If someone is causing harm, and you can see it, then it is all too easy to feel responsible. I went through this with an abusive ex who I know went on to abuse several other women after me – I know because they got in touch with me to talk about it. I had talked to the police about him, there was nothing else I could have done to keep those women safe. The abuser is responsible for the abuse, but it doesn’t always feel like that, and victims are often put under pressure to try and protect others. If you do not have the power to stop someone causing harm then you also can’t be responsible for it.

Some people need a lot of time to heal and change. I have been one of those people. If you want to magically fix someone quickly it may be better to step away from them than to keep trying. Feeling under pressure to recover is not an aid to recovery! Often you have to let people handle things at their own pace. If that makes you uncomfortable you need to look at your own needs and act realistically. What people need most to heal is space, time, peace, support and kindness. You don’t need to fix people, often – you just need to support them while they get on with it.

If someone has opinions that you find problematic, one of the least confrontational ways to challenge them is to ask them to explain how that works. Where opinions have been absorbed in an unconsidered way, making people explain can do a lot to reveal to them that they don’t know why they’ve been persuaded of a thing. Taking the gently childish approach of ‘but why…?’ can get a lot done.

Being slightly amused is sometimes effective. Most people don’t like feeling that they might be laughable, and if you can pull it off, it can be a way of dissuading others from saying and doing harmful and toxic things. You have to be calm to manage this, so it’s easier when you’re tackling something you aren’t personally affected by.

You have to pick your fights. You have to manage your own energy in ways that work for you. Time invested where it’s getting nothing done is time that might have been better used in other ways. It is ok to give up on people and back away, and focus elsewhere. Some people can only be weathered and endured. You do not have to compromise your own viability to tackle someone else’s problems – having to do that is a strong sign to get out of the situation if you can.

Withdrawing energy can be effective. People respond to attention, and the withdrawal of attention in response to inappropriate behaviour can also work. If you leave family gatherings every time your racist uncle kicks off, that will make a point, and that can have an impact. You don’t even have to point out why you are going. Sometimes saying ‘I am not willing to be in this conversation’ and leaving can give people chance to review what they’re doing.

We do all have some responsibility for each other. Those with more privilege should be the ones stepping up to deal with people who are acting toxically or abusively. However, you are still allowed to walk away if it is costing you too much.

Trauma and bad choices

(Nimue)

Some people have terrible experiences and get over them without too much trouble, others do not. This is something I’ve thought about a lot, and I have a theory that one of the differences may be whether you feel that you could have done differently.

Sometimes there are no good choices. Whatever a person does in Gaza right now, they cannot act in ways that will keep them safe. No amount of planning, assessing, trying will make any difference. We humans are drawn to looking for patterns and explanations, and things we can do to shift the odds in our favour. Sometimes this serves us well. When you only have bad options, you can’t make good choices.

In war, this kind of powerlessness is caused deliberately. In situations of natural disaster, people can be overwhelmed in much the same way. It’s not hard to see the temptation to blame angry gods, just to have an explanation and the small feeling of control that gives you.

In cases of abuse, the victim is often actively encouraged to see what’s happening as their fault. That keeps you focused on your own behaviour and shortcomings, and on trying to do better so as not to provoke cruel responses. But of course if you are being abused, you’re being set up to fail and will never be good enough.

When you think you are the problem, it is very hard to trust yourself. Hyper-vigilance and anxiety follow. Just because something seems ok doesn’t mean you can trust it to still be ok in an hour’s time. You learn to be afraid of yourself, afraid of ‘mistakes’ and that anything less than perfection will be dangerous. Of course what constitutes perfection will vary so there’s no way of winning at that.

When we can’t take risks and make mistakes, we can’t grow, or heal. To recover from trauma you have to be able to trust, and to live. Taking action is really hard when you are paralysed by the fear of mistakes. The very things that offer ways out of a trauma legacy are made threatening by the impact of trauma, and this is a hard trap to break out of.

I look at the ways in which governments demonise migrants – people who are often fleeing from horror. I think about the ways in which the people of Gaza are being blamed for the genocide being carried out there. I think about how sick and disabled people are blamed for things they have no control over. There’s a lot of state-led trauma going on in the world.

My own experience of trauma and healing has shown me that my sense of what I am to blame for has been really important. Learning not to feel responsible for things I had no control over has been a difficult process. Having peace and safe space, and support with rethinking things has made so much odds to me. Peace is essential for healing. And yet collectively we want to treat people fleeing warzones as criminals.

Kindness isn’t hard, and it does so much good. Yet so many people choose cruelty instead, and indifference to the suffering of others. I remain mystified by this.

Domestic animist

(Nimue)

The best book I ever read for exploring domestic magic is Maria DeBlassie’s Everyday Enchantments. She makes a powerful case for caring for your space as a magical activity. Keeping your living space to your liking is a meaningful act of self-care as well.

For animists, everything has spirit, and at least the potential for some kind of consciousness. I experience my living space as a community. Everything around me has its origins in the natural world. I have items that belonged to my ancestors, and newer things that are part of this new life I am co-creating with my partner. He too has an array of things that bring his stories and history into the space. Taking care of the space is an act of engagement with all of that.

The idea of treating physical objects kindly has always been important to me. That means handling things with care, looking after then, repairing, and treating objects as though they matter. Throwaway culture makes me unhappy. I find it difficult when people treat what’s around them thoughtlessly, especially when that results in items being needlessly damaged or broken.

I’m not the sort of person who needs everything to be spotless and perfectly tidy all of the time. Not least because I’m a crafter, and that gets lint onto floors fairly reliably. As I write this, the image I was working on is sat on a nearby chair, there’s a jigsaw in progress on the table and a few other things that have recently been used and not sorted out are around. Obsessive tidying can make a place feel sterile, and unlived in. I like a bit of the happy chaos that goes with a life full of things happening.

As with most things, it’s all about finding the right balances. What do you need to feel comfortable? What does the space need? What enables you to feel cared for in a space, and what feels to you like taking meaningful care of a space? What makes you comfortable and happy? The quest for self knowledge does not require a physical journey as you can learn a lot about yourself by exploring at home. Spirituality doesn’t have to be sought elsewhere. Animism is relevant to everything around you, How you take care of your living space is something that you can make a part of your everyday Druidry.

Imagining your audience

(Nimue)

Creating for yourself is a fine thing to do. If you’ve made something for yourself and you put it out into the world, how that may go is anyone’s guess. It works better to imagine your intended audience. That might sound mercenary – and it can be – but it doesn’t have to be. You can also think about this in terms of service.

It’s not possible to create something everyone will like. Trying to do so tends to result in blandness and unoriginality. If you focus on a subset of people, and make something for them, the chances are that a bigger group will be able to enjoy or make some use of your work even though they weren’t the target. Adults who read YA fiction. Druids who read witchcraft books, Pagans who read eco-texts and so forth.

I try to factor this in when I’m reviewing. I am not going to judge every book on whether it’s perfect for me – that doesn’t really work. I’ve reviewed a lot of beginner’s books along the way, for a start. I try to figure out who the book is for and to assess how well I think it delivers on that score. I recently had a review book offered to me where I genuinely couldn’t figure out who the intended audience was, and I had to ask. I’m not going to be reviewing it, for a bunch of reasons. It did however get me thinking about how we imagine the audience.

It’s not really enough to just imagine an audience – you need to know who your people are. If they only live in your head, they may well be facets of yourself. I admit that I wrote my first non-fic – Druidry and Meditation – for the person I had been, who had to figure a lot out because there weren’t enough books on Pagan meditation back then. By that point I’d also spent a lot of time leading meditation groups, so I had some sense of what other people needed from me.

Writing is not a solitary activity. The bit where you put the words down probably is, but that’s only a small part of the process. Knowing who you are writing for, and why, and what’s needed is a really important part of the job if you wish to write for other people.

It also helps to think about this for managing your own expectations. There are blog posts I’ve written because I thought there was a decent chance there might be one person who needed to hear what I had to say. I set the bar a bit higher with books. I find Patreon very helpful for this because I have a small audience there and they feed back to me, and I am writing for them. I learn from feedback on the blog about what people who like my work find especially resonant or helpful. Creating is a process and a conversation.

There is a perception that what we create is supposed to pour from us in a wild gush of inspiration. It doesn’t really work like that. Creativity is an interaction with the world – what goes in, what comes out, and where it goes. I don’t think it’s possible to create anything without that interaction, it’s just a case of whether we’re alert to it and what we choose to do.

Positive feedback for social change

(Nimue)

Parenting taught me a lot about the power of praise. Children crave attention. If the only way they can get attention is by acting out, then they will do so, because being shouted at is often more appealing than being ignored. I went into parenting aware of how conditioning works and that the behaviour you reinforce is what you get more of. Attention is a reward.

If you are rewarded for being kind, helpful, funny, clever, or creative then you have every reason to do more of that. What happens to the person who is rewarded for acting out? Some will figure it out as they grow up and will make better choices. We are all able to do that, none of us is obliged to simply be the product of our upbringing. But, if you don’t get out of that, where do you end up? Attention seeing at school, and acting out to get attention – I wonder how many of the trolls online have had this kind of experience. It’s hard to be good when you don’t believe you are capable of anything much.

Praise builds confidence. Positive feedback encourages people to try things and to take risks, which in turn enables growth and self expression. Knock downs push people the other way, feeding insecurity and creating a hostile culture where mockery, bullying and undermining are to be expected. It doesn’t take much knowledge to hurt someone or undermine them. Building people up takes a bit more thought – but it’s not that difficult.

When we praise and encourage other people, we get to feel that. Making other people smile is a great mood lifter. Seeing someone build confidence and skill, and thrive because of your support is a truly wonderful and uplifting experience. There must be some temporary ego-boost in knocking someone down, but I don’t see any signs that it gives the person doing it much quality of life. Being cruel, trashing things, criticising and picking holes is intrinsically joyless.

Over the years I’ve had some really interesting conversations with people trolling on social media – mostly on Twitter. Often it seemed to be coming from feelings of alienation and not being valued. Some softened discernibly simply for being asked what was making them so unhappy – some people just desperately need attention and need to be heard. The trick is to do that without reinforcing the feeling that the acting out is what brings the attention.

Positive feedback is one of those small, everyday actions that you can pick up as a Druid. It’s a way of creating a supportive culture where people can flourish. It is an effective way of reducing unpleasant behaviour, and pushing back against the snarky, hateful ways in which some people behave. If you can approach challenging people with compassion, it is sometimes possible to get them to change tack a bit. That however, is not as effective as creating an environment in which people support each other. Small everyday actions can get a lot done on that score.

Druidry and seeds

(Nimue)

If you’ve encountered standard-issue wheel of the year instructions for would-be Druids, you know now is the time to plant your seeds. Not just physical seeds, but the ideas you are going to nurture this year and harvest in the autumn,

In the photo are some seedlings I have sprouting in a window box. In a few week’s time I’ll plant more, and I’ll keep planting through the summer because that way I can keep cropping.

Seed planting happens for a much longer season than spring. Flowers that bloom in the summer do their seed planting then. Autumn and winter crops exist, you may be planting beetroot and parsnip a good deal later. The wych elms have already seeded. Nature is diverse.

If you are in an area where this point in the year is full of sprouting, leafing life, then you may well feel inspired by that energy and want to work with it. If it doesn’t move you, there’s not much to gain from pushing. Trying to align your life with the stories modern Druids tell about the wheel of the year may not work for you.

Your landscape might have different seasons to the UK. Your life might have its own tides and currents that need respecting. You might not be the sort of creature that plants seeds in the spring. You might be the sort of creature that builds a nest about now, or that hasn’t really woken up yet, or is basically a speck of new life in jelly. You can be aligned with the natural world without having to be engaged with any one specific story.

Seed planting makes sense if you are engaging with ancestors who were agricultural. We have far more ancestors who were not engaged in agriculture, and who wandered around more, and lived in ways that related to their specific environments. Engaging substantially with the land can suggest things that do not relate to sowing seed.

Plant seeds now if that makes sense to you. Plant seeds later if you prefer. Be those literal seeds or ideas. Find the rhythms that make sense to you and honour nature as it actually shows up in your life.