Tifphanie Tucker's Blog
May 29, 2012
The Keys to Good Communication
For any relationship to grow and flourish, it is essential that both parties treasure regular communication. Otherwise, the chances the relationship will survive are slim. Ongoing communication, on the other hand, provides the opportunity for the relationship to deepen and expand, allowing the people involved to experience great joy and pleasure.
Many people mistakenly consider communication to be all about talking. While talking is certainly part of it, however, it is just one part. Good communication also involves the following three components:
1. Listening. Far too often, a person involved in a conversation becomes preoccupied with what he or she is trying to say. Instead of hearing what is being said, he or she becomes fixated on formulating his or her next statement. As a result, what the other person is attempting to communicate gets lost. Rather than making it your goal to say whatever you feel you need to say, decide that you will sincerely listen to what is being said. Most misunderstandings and relational conflicts can be avoided simply by listening more attentively.
2. Understanding. Be careful to not jump to conclusions and make assumptions about what the other person is trying to communicate. Make sure you truly understand. When in doubt, ask questions that will help clarify the intended meaning. Cold, hard facts are usually easy to understand. However, because so much relational communication involves emotions, understanding what is truly being communicated can be much more difficult. A simple technique that can help you gain understanding is to rephrase what you are hearing and then saying it back to the other person. If you have misunderstood, that person will have the opportunity to offer a clarification.
Jesus, realizing that not everyone who heard his words actually took them to heart, urged one crowd, "Hearken unto me every one of you, and understand" (Mark 7:14, KJV). He did not want his words to simply go in one ear and out the other. He desired understanding.
3. Valuing. Self-centered people do not value what other people are saying. When someone you care about says something to you--no matter how off the wall or frivolous it may seem to you at first--take it seriously. You do not have to necessarily agree with it, but value it. Do not dismiss it as meaningless or naive.
The writer of Psalm 119 set an example of what it means to value words. In particular, he expressed the value he placed on the word of God: "Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee" (Psalm 119:11, KJV). His devotion to God was evidenced through the way he cherished and internalized God's word.
Good communication within your relationship is possible, but it requires self-discipline for you to implement these principles. As you do, though, you can experience a greater appreciation for the other person and an ever-deepening connection. Check out my book, Women Under Construction, for more life principles that will enhance your relationships.
Many people mistakenly consider communication to be all about talking. While talking is certainly part of it, however, it is just one part. Good communication also involves the following three components:
1. Listening. Far too often, a person involved in a conversation becomes preoccupied with what he or she is trying to say. Instead of hearing what is being said, he or she becomes fixated on formulating his or her next statement. As a result, what the other person is attempting to communicate gets lost. Rather than making it your goal to say whatever you feel you need to say, decide that you will sincerely listen to what is being said. Most misunderstandings and relational conflicts can be avoided simply by listening more attentively.
2. Understanding. Be careful to not jump to conclusions and make assumptions about what the other person is trying to communicate. Make sure you truly understand. When in doubt, ask questions that will help clarify the intended meaning. Cold, hard facts are usually easy to understand. However, because so much relational communication involves emotions, understanding what is truly being communicated can be much more difficult. A simple technique that can help you gain understanding is to rephrase what you are hearing and then saying it back to the other person. If you have misunderstood, that person will have the opportunity to offer a clarification.
Jesus, realizing that not everyone who heard his words actually took them to heart, urged one crowd, "Hearken unto me every one of you, and understand" (Mark 7:14, KJV). He did not want his words to simply go in one ear and out the other. He desired understanding.
3. Valuing. Self-centered people do not value what other people are saying. When someone you care about says something to you--no matter how off the wall or frivolous it may seem to you at first--take it seriously. You do not have to necessarily agree with it, but value it. Do not dismiss it as meaningless or naive.
The writer of Psalm 119 set an example of what it means to value words. In particular, he expressed the value he placed on the word of God: "Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee" (Psalm 119:11, KJV). His devotion to God was evidenced through the way he cherished and internalized God's word.
Good communication within your relationship is possible, but it requires self-discipline for you to implement these principles. As you do, though, you can experience a greater appreciation for the other person and an ever-deepening connection. Check out my book, Women Under Construction, for more life principles that will enhance your relationships.
The Keys to Good Communication
For any relationship to grow and flourish, it is essential that both parties treasure regular communication. Otherwise, the chances the relationship will survive are slim. Ongoing communication, on the other hand, provides the opportunity for the relationship to deepen and expand, allowing the people involved to experience great joy and pleasure.
Many people mistakenly consider communication to be all about talking. While talking is certainly part of it, however, it is just one part. Good communication also involves the following three components:
1. Listening. Far too often, a person involved in a conversation becomes preoccupied with what he or she is trying to say. Instead of hearing what is being said, he or she becomes fixated on formulating his or her next statement. As a result, what the other person is attempting to communicate gets lost. Rather than making it your goal to say whatever you feel you need to say, decide that you will sincerely listen to what is being said. Most misunderstandings and relational conflicts can be avoided simply by listening more attentively.
2. Understanding. Be careful to not jump to conclusions and make assumptions about what the other person is trying to communicate. Make sure you truly understand. When in doubt, ask questions that will help clarify the intended meaning. Cold, hard facts are usually easy to understand. However, because so much relational communication involves emotions, understanding what is truly being communicated can be much more difficult. A simple technique that can help you gain understanding is to rephrase what you are hearing and then saying it back to the other person. If you have misunderstood, that person will have the opportunity to offer a clarification.
Jesus, realizing that not everyone who heard his words actually took them to heart, urged one crowd, "Hearken unto me every one of you, and understand" (Mark 7:14, KJV). He did not want his words to simply go in one ear and out the other. He desired understanding.
3. Valuing. Self-centered people do not value what other people are saying. When someone you care about says something to you--no matter how off the wall or frivolous it may seem to you at first--take it seriously. You do not have to necessarily agree with it, but value it. Do not dismiss it as meaningless or naive.
The writer of Psalm 119 set an example of what it means to value words. In particular, he expressed the value he placed on the word of God: "Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee" (Psalm 119:11, KJV). His devotion to God was evidenced through the way he cherished and internalized God's word.
Good communication within your relationship is possible, but it requires self-discipline for you to implement these principles. As you do, though, you can experience a greater appreciation for the other person and an ever-deepening connection. Check out my book, Women Under Construction, for more life principles that will enhance your relationships.
Many people mistakenly consider communication to be all about talking. While talking is certainly part of it, however, it is just one part. Good communication also involves the following three components:
1. Listening. Far too often, a person involved in a conversation becomes preoccupied with what he or she is trying to say. Instead of hearing what is being said, he or she becomes fixated on formulating his or her next statement. As a result, what the other person is attempting to communicate gets lost. Rather than making it your goal to say whatever you feel you need to say, decide that you will sincerely listen to what is being said. Most misunderstandings and relational conflicts can be avoided simply by listening more attentively.
2. Understanding. Be careful to not jump to conclusions and make assumptions about what the other person is trying to communicate. Make sure you truly understand. When in doubt, ask questions that will help clarify the intended meaning. Cold, hard facts are usually easy to understand. However, because so much relational communication involves emotions, understanding what is truly being communicated can be much more difficult. A simple technique that can help you gain understanding is to rephrase what you are hearing and then saying it back to the other person. If you have misunderstood, that person will have the opportunity to offer a clarification.
Jesus, realizing that not everyone who heard his words actually took them to heart, urged one crowd, "Hearken unto me every one of you, and understand" (Mark 7:14, KJV). He did not want his words to simply go in one ear and out the other. He desired understanding.
3. Valuing. Self-centered people do not value what other people are saying. When someone you care about says something to you--no matter how off the wall or frivolous it may seem to you at first--take it seriously. You do not have to necessarily agree with it, but value it. Do not dismiss it as meaningless or naive.
The writer of Psalm 119 set an example of what it means to value words. In particular, he expressed the value he placed on the word of God: "Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee" (Psalm 119:11, KJV). His devotion to God was evidenced through the way he cherished and internalized God's word.
Good communication within your relationship is possible, but it requires self-discipline for you to implement these principles. As you do, though, you can experience a greater appreciation for the other person and an ever-deepening connection. Check out my book, Women Under Construction, for more life principles that will enhance your relationships.
May 10, 2012
How to Declutter Your Home
Clutter has become an epidemic in our society. Most people find their homes filled to capacity with their possessions, and they may have even more in storage. As a result, people spend much of their time cleaning, sorting, fixing, and replacing their possessions. They may even wonder where it all came from.
If you have found this to be true in your own life, it’s time to do something about it. It’s time to declutter. To get rid of the clutter, follow these three simple steps:
1. Buy less.
Many people purchase items they do not need and may never use. Or they purchase an item to replace another they have lost in the clutter of their home. When you resolve to buy less, you will save money and avoid adding to that clutter.
In particular, beware of impulse spending. Refuse to make a purchase based solely on an impulse. Instead, purchase items for their usefulness. Do you really need it? Will you actually use it? Or will it end up collecting dust? If you are not going to use it, leave it in the store.
2. Reduce the existing clutter.
By getting rid of what you do not need, you will be able to enjoy the rest all the more. As the abstract expressionist painter Hans Hofmann pointed out, “The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.”
Go through your home one room at a time and divide your possessions into three categories: stuff to keep, stuff to throw out, and stuff to give away or sell. You can do this over the course of a weekend, or you can do it in short bursts. You could also take advantage of the commercial breaks during your favorite show by sorting through a room or closet. Even those twelve to fifteen minutes can make a significant difference.
Consider how you can reduce your clutter while simultaneously blessing others. Try following the example of the early Christians, who “sold their possessions and goods, and parted them to all men, as every man had need” (Acts 2:45, KJV).
3. Refuse to accumulate clutter again.
Once you have cleared away the clutter, the danger exists that you will replace it with more clutter. So decide from the beginning that your home will remain a clutter-free zone. Whenever you bring something new into the house, take something else out. If an item has gone unused for a significant period of time, dispose of it.
Do not give in to the temptation to hoard and rebuild your pile of stuff. Remember what Jesus said: “Take heed, and beware of covetousness: for a man's life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth” (Luke 12:15, KJV).
By getting rid of the clutter, you will no longer be enslaved to your possessions. Instead, you will be free to enjoy life without the mess.
Of course, our lives can be cluttered by more than just physical possessions. Sometimes our life houses become cluttered with misplaced priorities, weaknesses in character, fragmented minds, and wavering faith. In my book—Women Under Construction—discover how you can build a life house that is free from this kind of clutter.
If you have found this to be true in your own life, it’s time to do something about it. It’s time to declutter. To get rid of the clutter, follow these three simple steps:
1. Buy less.
Many people purchase items they do not need and may never use. Or they purchase an item to replace another they have lost in the clutter of their home. When you resolve to buy less, you will save money and avoid adding to that clutter.
In particular, beware of impulse spending. Refuse to make a purchase based solely on an impulse. Instead, purchase items for their usefulness. Do you really need it? Will you actually use it? Or will it end up collecting dust? If you are not going to use it, leave it in the store.
2. Reduce the existing clutter.
By getting rid of what you do not need, you will be able to enjoy the rest all the more. As the abstract expressionist painter Hans Hofmann pointed out, “The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.”
Go through your home one room at a time and divide your possessions into three categories: stuff to keep, stuff to throw out, and stuff to give away or sell. You can do this over the course of a weekend, or you can do it in short bursts. You could also take advantage of the commercial breaks during your favorite show by sorting through a room or closet. Even those twelve to fifteen minutes can make a significant difference.
Consider how you can reduce your clutter while simultaneously blessing others. Try following the example of the early Christians, who “sold their possessions and goods, and parted them to all men, as every man had need” (Acts 2:45, KJV).
3. Refuse to accumulate clutter again.
Once you have cleared away the clutter, the danger exists that you will replace it with more clutter. So decide from the beginning that your home will remain a clutter-free zone. Whenever you bring something new into the house, take something else out. If an item has gone unused for a significant period of time, dispose of it.
Do not give in to the temptation to hoard and rebuild your pile of stuff. Remember what Jesus said: “Take heed, and beware of covetousness: for a man's life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth” (Luke 12:15, KJV).
By getting rid of the clutter, you will no longer be enslaved to your possessions. Instead, you will be free to enjoy life without the mess.
Of course, our lives can be cluttered by more than just physical possessions. Sometimes our life houses become cluttered with misplaced priorities, weaknesses in character, fragmented minds, and wavering faith. In my book—Women Under Construction—discover how you can build a life house that is free from this kind of clutter.
How to Declutter Your Home
Clutter has become an epidemic in our society. Most people find their homes filled to capacity with their possessions, and they may have even more in storage. As a result, people spend much of their time cleaning, sorting, fixing, and replacing their possessions. They may even wonder where it all came from.
If you have found this to be true in your own life, it’s time to do something about it. It’s time to declutter. To get rid of the clutter, follow these three simple steps:
1. Buy less.
Many people purchase items they do not need and may never use. Or they purchase an item to replace another they have lost in the clutter of their home. When you resolve to buy less, you will save money and avoid adding to that clutter.
In particular, beware of impulse spending. Refuse to make a purchase based solely on an impulse. Instead, purchase items for their usefulness. Do you really need it? Will you actually use it? Or will it end up collecting dust? If you are not going to use it, leave it in the store.
2. Reduce the existing clutter.
By getting rid of what you do not need, you will be able to enjoy the rest all the more. As the abstract expressionist painter Hans Hofmann pointed out, “The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.”
Go through your home one room at a time and divide your possessions into three categories: stuff to keep, stuff to throw out, and stuff to give away or sell. You can do this over the course of a weekend, or you can do it in short bursts. You could also take advantage of the commercial breaks during your favorite show by sorting through a room or closet. Even those twelve to fifteen minutes can make a significant difference.
Consider how you can reduce your clutter while simultaneously blessing others. Try following the example of the early Christians, who “sold their possessions and goods, and parted them to all men, as every man had need” (Acts 2:45, KJV).
3. Refuse to accumulate clutter again.
Once you have cleared away the clutter, the danger exists that you will replace it with more clutter. So decide from the beginning that your home will remain a clutter-free zone. Whenever you bring something new into the house, take something else out. If an item has gone unused for a significant period of time, dispose of it.
Do not give in to the temptation to hoard and rebuild your pile of stuff. Remember what Jesus said: “Take heed, and beware of covetousness: for a man's life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth” (Luke 12:15, KJV).
By getting rid of the clutter, you will no longer be enslaved to your possessions. Instead, you will be free to enjoy life without the mess.
Of course, our lives can be cluttered by more than just physical possessions. Sometimes our life houses become cluttered with misplaced priorities, weaknesses in character, fragmented minds, and wavering faith. In my book—Women Under Construction—discover how you can build a life house that is free from this kind of clutter.
If you have found this to be true in your own life, it’s time to do something about it. It’s time to declutter. To get rid of the clutter, follow these three simple steps:
1. Buy less.
Many people purchase items they do not need and may never use. Or they purchase an item to replace another they have lost in the clutter of their home. When you resolve to buy less, you will save money and avoid adding to that clutter.
In particular, beware of impulse spending. Refuse to make a purchase based solely on an impulse. Instead, purchase items for their usefulness. Do you really need it? Will you actually use it? Or will it end up collecting dust? If you are not going to use it, leave it in the store.
2. Reduce the existing clutter.
By getting rid of what you do not need, you will be able to enjoy the rest all the more. As the abstract expressionist painter Hans Hofmann pointed out, “The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.”
Go through your home one room at a time and divide your possessions into three categories: stuff to keep, stuff to throw out, and stuff to give away or sell. You can do this over the course of a weekend, or you can do it in short bursts. You could also take advantage of the commercial breaks during your favorite show by sorting through a room or closet. Even those twelve to fifteen minutes can make a significant difference.
Consider how you can reduce your clutter while simultaneously blessing others. Try following the example of the early Christians, who “sold their possessions and goods, and parted them to all men, as every man had need” (Acts 2:45, KJV).
3. Refuse to accumulate clutter again.
Once you have cleared away the clutter, the danger exists that you will replace it with more clutter. So decide from the beginning that your home will remain a clutter-free zone. Whenever you bring something new into the house, take something else out. If an item has gone unused for a significant period of time, dispose of it.
Do not give in to the temptation to hoard and rebuild your pile of stuff. Remember what Jesus said: “Take heed, and beware of covetousness: for a man's life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth” (Luke 12:15, KJV).
By getting rid of the clutter, you will no longer be enslaved to your possessions. Instead, you will be free to enjoy life without the mess.
Of course, our lives can be cluttered by more than just physical possessions. Sometimes our life houses become cluttered with misplaced priorities, weaknesses in character, fragmented minds, and wavering faith. In my book—Women Under Construction—discover how you can build a life house that is free from this kind of clutter.
May 1, 2012
How to Resolve a Dispute With a Friend
Even the best of friends have disagreements. At times, these disagreements can cause a rift so severe that it threatens to destroy the relationship. If you are experiencing problems in one of your relationships, taking these measures can give your friendship the best chance of survival.
Keep the disagreement between the two of you. Avoid resorting to gossip and slander. If you malign your friend in your conversations with others, you can destroy all hope of restoring the friendship. People who are not affected by the dispute do not need to know about it. As Jesus instructed, “Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother” (Matthew 18:15, KJV).
Go directly to your friend and discuss the dispute one-on-one. As you do, make sure you are not aggressive in your words, your tone, or your body language. If your friend perceives that you are on the attack, his or her defenses will likely be raised. This will make it very difficult to address the issues and resolve the problem. On the other hand, exhibiting a genuine vulnerability can help lower defenses and create an atmosphere conducive to reconciliation.
Address your friend with gentleness and humility. Instead of making accusations, talk about how you feel personally. Describe how you have been hurt, misunderstood, or offended. Explain the reasons and motives behind what you have said or done. Talk about your perspective clearly and honestly, all the while being aware of how your words are being received. Emphasize to your friend how much you treasure your friendship. If you are able to keep a cool and respectful demeanor—even if your friend does not reciprocate—you can pave the road toward reconciliation.
Recruit a mediator. If you meet one-on-one and no progress is made, a mutual friend or a professional counselor or minister may be able to assist. The mediator, whose role is to maintain a respectful discussion and to clarify what is said, may ask questions to probe into the disagreement, but he or she should not take sides in the dispute. All parties involved should maintain confidentiality at all times.
After first suggesting an attempt to resolve a dispute one-on-one, Jesus then advised recruiting the help of others. “But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established” (Matthew 18:16, KJV).
Depending on the severity of the disagreement and the personalities involved, it may take time to restore the relationship. If your friend is unresponsive to your efforts, it may be beyond repair.
If your friend shares your desire for reconciliation, however, it is possible. Though you may never reach a point of complete agreement, you can reach a point of understanding. As long as you can truly understand your friend’s perspective and your friend can understand yours, your friendship can survive and even thrive. Carry yourself with integrity and, as I discuss in Women Under Construction, your own personal and spiritual health as well as that of your relationships will be stronger.
Keep the disagreement between the two of you. Avoid resorting to gossip and slander. If you malign your friend in your conversations with others, you can destroy all hope of restoring the friendship. People who are not affected by the dispute do not need to know about it. As Jesus instructed, “Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother” (Matthew 18:15, KJV).
Go directly to your friend and discuss the dispute one-on-one. As you do, make sure you are not aggressive in your words, your tone, or your body language. If your friend perceives that you are on the attack, his or her defenses will likely be raised. This will make it very difficult to address the issues and resolve the problem. On the other hand, exhibiting a genuine vulnerability can help lower defenses and create an atmosphere conducive to reconciliation.
Address your friend with gentleness and humility. Instead of making accusations, talk about how you feel personally. Describe how you have been hurt, misunderstood, or offended. Explain the reasons and motives behind what you have said or done. Talk about your perspective clearly and honestly, all the while being aware of how your words are being received. Emphasize to your friend how much you treasure your friendship. If you are able to keep a cool and respectful demeanor—even if your friend does not reciprocate—you can pave the road toward reconciliation.
Recruit a mediator. If you meet one-on-one and no progress is made, a mutual friend or a professional counselor or minister may be able to assist. The mediator, whose role is to maintain a respectful discussion and to clarify what is said, may ask questions to probe into the disagreement, but he or she should not take sides in the dispute. All parties involved should maintain confidentiality at all times.
After first suggesting an attempt to resolve a dispute one-on-one, Jesus then advised recruiting the help of others. “But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established” (Matthew 18:16, KJV).
Depending on the severity of the disagreement and the personalities involved, it may take time to restore the relationship. If your friend is unresponsive to your efforts, it may be beyond repair.
If your friend shares your desire for reconciliation, however, it is possible. Though you may never reach a point of complete agreement, you can reach a point of understanding. As long as you can truly understand your friend’s perspective and your friend can understand yours, your friendship can survive and even thrive. Carry yourself with integrity and, as I discuss in Women Under Construction, your own personal and spiritual health as well as that of your relationships will be stronger.
How to Resolve a Dispute With a Friend
Even the best of friends have disagreements. At times, these disagreements can cause a rift so severe that it threatens to destroy the relationship. If you are experiencing problems in one of your relationships, taking these measures can give your friendship the best chance of survival.
Keep the disagreement between the two of you. Avoid resorting to gossip and slander. If you malign your friend in your conversations with others, you can destroy all hope of restoring the friendship. People who are not affected by the dispute do not need to know about it. As Jesus instructed, “Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother” (Matthew 18:15, KJV).
Go directly to your friend and discuss the dispute one-on-one. As you do, make sure you are not aggressive in your words, your tone, or your body language. If your friend perceives that you are on the attack, his or her defenses will likely be raised. This will make it very difficult to address the issues and resolve the problem. On the other hand, exhibiting a genuine vulnerability can help lower defenses and create an atmosphere conducive to reconciliation.
Address your friend with gentleness and humility. Instead of making accusations, talk about how you feel personally. Describe how you have been hurt, misunderstood, or offended. Explain the reasons and motives behind what you have said or done. Talk about your perspective clearly and honestly, all the while being aware of how your words are being received. Emphasize to your friend how much you treasure your friendship. If you are able to keep a cool and respectful demeanor—even if your friend does not reciprocate—you can pave the road toward reconciliation.
Recruit a mediator. If you meet one-on-one and no progress is made, a mutual friend or a professional counselor or minister may be able to assist. The mediator, whose role is to maintain a respectful discussion and to clarify what is said, may ask questions to probe into the disagreement, but he or she should not take sides in the dispute. All parties involved should maintain confidentiality at all times.
After first suggesting an attempt to resolve a dispute one-on-one, Jesus then advised recruiting the help of others. “But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established” (Matthew 18:16, KJV).
Depending on the severity of the disagreement and the personalities involved, it may take time to restore the relationship. If your friend is unresponsive to your efforts, it may be beyond repair.
If your friend shares your desire for reconciliation, however, it is possible. Though you may never reach a point of complete agreement, you can reach a point of understanding. As long as you can truly understand your friend’s perspective and your friend can understand yours, your friendship can survive and even thrive. Carry yourself with integrity and, as I discuss in Women Under Construction, your own personal and spiritual health as well as that of your relationships will be stronger.
Keep the disagreement between the two of you. Avoid resorting to gossip and slander. If you malign your friend in your conversations with others, you can destroy all hope of restoring the friendship. People who are not affected by the dispute do not need to know about it. As Jesus instructed, “Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother” (Matthew 18:15, KJV).
Go directly to your friend and discuss the dispute one-on-one. As you do, make sure you are not aggressive in your words, your tone, or your body language. If your friend perceives that you are on the attack, his or her defenses will likely be raised. This will make it very difficult to address the issues and resolve the problem. On the other hand, exhibiting a genuine vulnerability can help lower defenses and create an atmosphere conducive to reconciliation.
Address your friend with gentleness and humility. Instead of making accusations, talk about how you feel personally. Describe how you have been hurt, misunderstood, or offended. Explain the reasons and motives behind what you have said or done. Talk about your perspective clearly and honestly, all the while being aware of how your words are being received. Emphasize to your friend how much you treasure your friendship. If you are able to keep a cool and respectful demeanor—even if your friend does not reciprocate—you can pave the road toward reconciliation.
Recruit a mediator. If you meet one-on-one and no progress is made, a mutual friend or a professional counselor or minister may be able to assist. The mediator, whose role is to maintain a respectful discussion and to clarify what is said, may ask questions to probe into the disagreement, but he or she should not take sides in the dispute. All parties involved should maintain confidentiality at all times.
After first suggesting an attempt to resolve a dispute one-on-one, Jesus then advised recruiting the help of others. “But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established” (Matthew 18:16, KJV).
Depending on the severity of the disagreement and the personalities involved, it may take time to restore the relationship. If your friend is unresponsive to your efforts, it may be beyond repair.
If your friend shares your desire for reconciliation, however, it is possible. Though you may never reach a point of complete agreement, you can reach a point of understanding. As long as you can truly understand your friend’s perspective and your friend can understand yours, your friendship can survive and even thrive. Carry yourself with integrity and, as I discuss in Women Under Construction, your own personal and spiritual health as well as that of your relationships will be stronger.
April 17, 2012
The Best Response to Anger
We all get angry from time to time. Sometimes our anger is sparked by legitimate reasons such as a great injustice. Other times, our anger may be a response to more trivial matters. Either way, it is essential that we learn to control our anger and express it in appropriate ways.
The Bible has much to say about anger. For example, the Apostle Paul wrote, “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27, KJV). This implies that anger itself is not sinful; it is in how we handle our anger that problems arise.
In particular, anger can lead a person to lash out with hurtful or hateful words. Occasionally, the angry person may even resort to physical violence. Neither of these expressions of anger does anything to rectify the problem. More often than not, the angry person later comes to regret allowing anger to determine those words or actions.
What is the problem with allowing anger to decide your words and actions? Beyond the potential embarrassment that often results, words spoken and deeds done in anger serve to fuel increasing levels of anger. Instinctively, it may feel like the right reaction to respond with angry words or actions, but in reality it will multiply your own anger while causing your victim’s anger to grow, too.
The answer, though, is not to deny your anger or to suppress it. These, too, will only amplify the problem. There must be a better way to resolve anger than by creating more anger.
Thankfully, there is. The solution is to express your anger but to do so in a calm and controlled way. When you calm yourself and your tone enough to provide a gentle response to whatever ignites your anger, you defuse the anger rather than empowering it. Instead of creating a cycle where the anger feeds upon itself, the anger will naturally subside. As Proverbs 15:1 suggests, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (KJV).
This necessitates that you avoid speaking in the heat of the moment. When your temper is flaring, you will be incapable of providing that gentle response. Refrain from even speaking until you can do so in a controlled manner. Then, when you have quieted yourself, you can provide that calm, gentle answer and experience the anger dissipating.
Initially, you may feel like you are being taken advantage of or victimized by giving a calm, gentle response to whatever angers you. In time, though, you will see how this kind of response solves more problems than it creates. It can open the door to resolving the issues and reconciling relationships rather than building impenetrable obstacles.
Furthermore, it will reflect well on your character, your integrity, and the condition of your life house. Others will develop a greater level of respect for you, your self-control, and your ability to overcome anger. Read my book, Women Under Construction, for more about building a strong and stable life house.
The Bible has much to say about anger. For example, the Apostle Paul wrote, “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27, KJV). This implies that anger itself is not sinful; it is in how we handle our anger that problems arise.
In particular, anger can lead a person to lash out with hurtful or hateful words. Occasionally, the angry person may even resort to physical violence. Neither of these expressions of anger does anything to rectify the problem. More often than not, the angry person later comes to regret allowing anger to determine those words or actions.
What is the problem with allowing anger to decide your words and actions? Beyond the potential embarrassment that often results, words spoken and deeds done in anger serve to fuel increasing levels of anger. Instinctively, it may feel like the right reaction to respond with angry words or actions, but in reality it will multiply your own anger while causing your victim’s anger to grow, too.
The answer, though, is not to deny your anger or to suppress it. These, too, will only amplify the problem. There must be a better way to resolve anger than by creating more anger.
Thankfully, there is. The solution is to express your anger but to do so in a calm and controlled way. When you calm yourself and your tone enough to provide a gentle response to whatever ignites your anger, you defuse the anger rather than empowering it. Instead of creating a cycle where the anger feeds upon itself, the anger will naturally subside. As Proverbs 15:1 suggests, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (KJV).
This necessitates that you avoid speaking in the heat of the moment. When your temper is flaring, you will be incapable of providing that gentle response. Refrain from even speaking until you can do so in a controlled manner. Then, when you have quieted yourself, you can provide that calm, gentle answer and experience the anger dissipating.
Initially, you may feel like you are being taken advantage of or victimized by giving a calm, gentle response to whatever angers you. In time, though, you will see how this kind of response solves more problems than it creates. It can open the door to resolving the issues and reconciling relationships rather than building impenetrable obstacles.
Furthermore, it will reflect well on your character, your integrity, and the condition of your life house. Others will develop a greater level of respect for you, your self-control, and your ability to overcome anger. Read my book, Women Under Construction, for more about building a strong and stable life house.
The Best Response to Anger
We all get angry from time to time. Sometimes our anger is sparked by legitimate reasons such as a great injustice. Other times, our anger may be a response to more trivial matters. Either way, it is essential that we learn to control our anger and express it in appropriate ways.
The Bible has much to say about anger. For example, the Apostle Paul wrote, “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27, KJV). This implies that anger itself is not sinful; it is in how we handle our anger that problems arise.
In particular, anger can lead a person to lash out with hurtful or hateful words. Occasionally, the angry person may even resort to physical violence. Neither of these expressions of anger does anything to rectify the problem. More often than not, the angry person later comes to regret allowing anger to determine those words or actions.
What is the problem with allowing anger to decide your words and actions? Beyond the potential embarrassment that often results, words spoken and deeds done in anger serve to fuel increasing levels of anger. Instinctively, it may feel like the right reaction to respond with angry words or actions, but in reality it will multiply your own anger while causing your victim’s anger to grow, too.
The answer, though, is not to deny your anger or to suppress it. These, too, will only amplify the problem. There must be a better way to resolve anger than by creating more anger.
Thankfully, there is. The solution is to express your anger but to do so in a calm and controlled way. When you calm yourself and your tone enough to provide a gentle response to whatever ignites your anger, you defuse the anger rather than empowering it. Instead of creating a cycle where the anger feeds upon itself, the anger will naturally subside. As Proverbs 15:1 suggests, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (KJV).
This necessitates that you avoid speaking in the heat of the moment. When your temper is flaring, you will be incapable of providing that gentle response. Refrain from even speaking until you can do so in a controlled manner. Then, when you have quieted yourself, you can provide that calm, gentle answer and experience the anger dissipating.
Initially, you may feel like you are being taken advantage of or victimized by giving a calm, gentle response to whatever angers you. In time, though, you will see how this kind of response solves more problems than it creates. It can open the door to resolving the issues and reconciling relationships rather than building impenetrable obstacles.
Furthermore, it will reflect well on your character, your integrity, and the condition of your life house. Others will develop a greater level of respect for you, your self-control, and your ability to overcome anger. Read my book, Women Under Construction, for more about building a strong and stable life house.
The Bible has much to say about anger. For example, the Apostle Paul wrote, “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27, KJV). This implies that anger itself is not sinful; it is in how we handle our anger that problems arise.
In particular, anger can lead a person to lash out with hurtful or hateful words. Occasionally, the angry person may even resort to physical violence. Neither of these expressions of anger does anything to rectify the problem. More often than not, the angry person later comes to regret allowing anger to determine those words or actions.
What is the problem with allowing anger to decide your words and actions? Beyond the potential embarrassment that often results, words spoken and deeds done in anger serve to fuel increasing levels of anger. Instinctively, it may feel like the right reaction to respond with angry words or actions, but in reality it will multiply your own anger while causing your victim’s anger to grow, too.
The answer, though, is not to deny your anger or to suppress it. These, too, will only amplify the problem. There must be a better way to resolve anger than by creating more anger.
Thankfully, there is. The solution is to express your anger but to do so in a calm and controlled way. When you calm yourself and your tone enough to provide a gentle response to whatever ignites your anger, you defuse the anger rather than empowering it. Instead of creating a cycle where the anger feeds upon itself, the anger will naturally subside. As Proverbs 15:1 suggests, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (KJV).
This necessitates that you avoid speaking in the heat of the moment. When your temper is flaring, you will be incapable of providing that gentle response. Refrain from even speaking until you can do so in a controlled manner. Then, when you have quieted yourself, you can provide that calm, gentle answer and experience the anger dissipating.
Initially, you may feel like you are being taken advantage of or victimized by giving a calm, gentle response to whatever angers you. In time, though, you will see how this kind of response solves more problems than it creates. It can open the door to resolving the issues and reconciling relationships rather than building impenetrable obstacles.
Furthermore, it will reflect well on your character, your integrity, and the condition of your life house. Others will develop a greater level of respect for you, your self-control, and your ability to overcome anger. Read my book, Women Under Construction, for more about building a strong and stable life house.
April 12, 2012
Remain Positive Through the Difficult Seasons of Life
We all experience valleys in life—days or seasons when everything seems to be conspiring against us. You might be going about your day when, suddenly, an unexpected phone call, text, or email throws your world into turmoil. Perhaps you receive some devastating news from your doctor or find out your job is being terminated. Maybe you learn of the loss of a loved one. Whatever the circumstances, what do you do when difficult days abound?
Remain Positive Through the Difficult Seasons of Life
We all experience valleys in life—days or seasons when everything seems to be conspiring against us. You might be going about your day when, suddenly, an unexpected phone call, text, or email throws your world into turmoil. Perhaps you receive some devastating news from your doctor or find out your job is being terminated. Maybe you learn of the loss of a loved one. Whatever the circumstances, what do you do when difficult days abound?
