Matador Network's Blog, page 2182

Drone races look just like Star Wars

You no longer need to sit through Ewoks to watch drones race through the forest: YouTuber Olivier Yorgandjian and his friends put First-Person View (FPV) Cameras on their quadcopter drones and then raced them through the forest. FPV cameras allow the users to transmit the video taken from the drones back to tablets or virtual reality goggles like the Oculus Rift, so the fliers of these drones would have been able to see everything from the drone point of view in real time. With any luck, quadcopter drone racing will become a serious sport, and our world will get one step closer to Star Wars.

It's very easy to make moss graffiti

For the past few decades, vandalism has slowly been earning a place in the art world, thanks to the rise of street artists like Banksy and the fact that some cities are even encouraging graffiti as a form of public art. Now, young aspiring artists/vandals who have an environmentalist bent can get in on the zeitgeist, too, thanks to moss graffiti. Moss graffiti is exactly what it sounds like: moss, it turns out, is very easy to grow, and if you use a special concoction, you can turn it into a paint which will eventually grow wherever you paint it. Here’s the recipe:

3 cups of moss (just moss – not whatever it was sticking to before)
2 cups of water or beer
2 cups of plain yogurt (or buttermilk)
1/2 a teaspoon of sugar
Corn syrup

Basically, you just need to find the moss, and clean it so it’s just moss.

Then, put it in a blender with the water, yogurt, and sugar, and blend it until it’s totally smooth.

It should have a paint-like texture, but if you don’t want it to drip, you can add corn syrup until it reaches your desired consistency.

Then you can paint it in whatever design you want. It will take a few weeks to grow, so you can check in occasionally to spray the moss with water if it needs it or to apply a second coat.

And voila! With a little artistry and care, you’ve got amazing green art.

Image via

Image via

Image via

Welcome to the future, vandals.

3 hardcore ways to save for travel

Photo: JB Dodane

Most of us don’t buy into the whole “I’ll-travel-when-I-have-enough-money-to-afford-it” idea. We generally understand that putting off travel is the equivalent of putting off life. If we don’t travel when we’re young, we’re hardly more likely to travel when we get older.

But that still puts us in a bit of a quandary, because travel can be expensive. Sure, there are ways to cut your budget so a trip is more affordable — there’s an entire internet out there dedicated to budget travel — but you still have to save in the first place, and that means settling down and working for a bit, unless you’re one of those lucky few who works for National Geographic and gets to work and travel all at once.

If travel is a priority for you, the period between settling down and saving can be maddening. You’ll want to go out and do fun things, but then you’ll have to stop yourself in the name of delayed gratification. And if you do try and make life enjoyable in that between time, your savings account will inevitably fill up slower than you’d planned.

It turns out this is really only a problem because we allow it to be a problem. People all over the world have discovered creative ways of spending very little money in their day-to-day lives, reserving most of their funds for big things, like travel. Here are some of your options.

Buy nothing

When Julie Phillips of Calgary, Canada, lost her apartment, she moved in with her friend Geoffrey Szuszkiewicz. In order to move in with him she had to give away a lot of her stuff, and over a bottle of wine once they’d finished the move, they started talking about what a gigantic role “stuff” had come to play in their lives. They decided on a whim to buy nothing for a year, and when their story caught on in the local press, they realized they actually had to follow through with it.

They began walking and biking everywhere, and instead of eating out, they would throw dinner parties at their home. They stopped getting expensive haircuts, and they started making their own laundry detergent. They made an attempt at growing enough food to be able to feed themselves, but, ultimately, weren’t able to grow enough in their garden. Even if they did technically buy things here and there, collectively, they saved over $55,000 over the course of the year.

Their year has since ended, and they have gone back to buying certain things, but the exercise taught them what they could do without, what they could buy on their own, and how they could avoid the insidious lifestyle creep that comes with making more money but never having money to spend. They were able to cut their consumerism down to a manageable size. And $55,000 can buy a long trip.

Simplify, simplify

In a similar vein, many Americans are taking to the tiny-house movement. Tiny houses, if you haven’t heard, are exactly what they sound like: condensed homes that are usually attached to some sort of trailer, and can be parked pretty much anywhere. Because of their size, tiny houses emphasize space efficiency, cutting back on clutter, and an overall simplification of their owners’ lives.

Tammy Strobel wrote about living in her tiny house for Matador back in 2012, and earlier this year was profiled in a video on The Atlantic. She and her husband decided to move into a tiny house when they realized their lives could use some simplification, and their tiny house eventually enabled them to pay down their debt and to use their money for things they actually wanted to spend it on. Strobel wrote: “My grandparents…taught me that living simply isn’t about self-deprivation. Instead, it’s about giving yourself the time, freedom, and money to pursue your dreams.”

Live with no money at all

If you want to take an even more extreme approach to saving, you can try living with no money at all. It sounds impossible — especially after hearing about how the Buy Nothing Year roommates inevitably had to spend for food — until you consider the existence of the barter economy.

Take, for example, Heidemarie Schwermer, a 69-year-old woman who has lived without spending or receiving money for 15 years. She does this doing odd jobs in exchange for a place to stay or some food. Schwermer does this for idealistic reasons: she believes that the system centered around money is broken, and wants to live a less materialistic life. But the barter economy isn’t remotely new, nor is it a product of idealistic anti-capitalists. It’s far more ancient than the money economy itself: it’s a simple trading system, and it’s formed the basis of human cooperation for millennia.

The International Reciprocal Trade Association estimates that the US barter market is worth $12 billion annually, and for the most part, the people who participate in it aren’t like Schwermer. Many of them have normal jobs that pay actual cash, but they use the barter system to trade their abilities for other things they may want but can’t afford otherwise.

Ultimately, saving for travel (or for that matter, saving for anything) doesn’t have to mean a life of misery and self-deprivation. You can live a very simple, happy life as long as you’re willing to get creative about how you get there.

7 super-lux experiences in Utah

1. Hiding out at Amangiri in Canyon Point

Photo: Steve Jurvetson

Like a water-filled uber-minimalist mirage, Amangiri blends right in with its desert surroundings near the Arizona-Utah border. Hidden among ancient mesas and rock formations, the 600-acre property is so secluded and so focused on relaxation that you don’t have much of a choice but to sit back and allow yourself to slip into a state of near-constant meditation.

Each room at Amangiri has its own private courtyard entry, furnishings that elicit overuse of the word “zen,” and massive glass doors that open onto an outdoor living space with resting mattresses, a fireplace, and a human-free view of the surrounding wilderness. The grounds have several marked trails for hiking, plus a few naturalists and archaeology/geology experts on hand to help you understand what you’re looking at as you go. Multiple guided via ferrata routes access summit views that aren’t available to hikers, as long as you’re willing to strap on a harness and clip and navigate a series of fixed cables, rungs, and pegs sticking straight out of the cliffs.

After your excursions, the Aman Spa, a 25,000-square-foot luxury relaxation zone, will lower your heart rate back to normal. If the deep-tissue massages and plunge pools don’t do the trick, get in their Floatation Therapy Pavilion for a dose of sensory deprivation.

2. Getting wined and dined on the Colorado River

Photo: Peter Rivera

There’s only one thing that improves a day of rafting the Colorado, staring up at Canyonlands National Park’s huge red canyon walls, and detouring to hike to nearby Native American ruins, hidden beaches, and less accessible canyons: knowing you won’t be pitching your own tent that night. Starting with a leisurely introduction to the Colorado River on Day 1, Sheri Griffith River Expeditions‘ luxury river tour of Cataract Canyon kicks off for the most indulgent river-rafting tour ever. While you’re exploring the alien-like rock formations and grabbing a drink on the sand, the tour’s staff is handling the transformation of your river camp into a river resort.

Get used to it. Every night for the next several will include a baffling moment when you’ll stare at your dinner plate wondering how the river chef prepared this meal while, you know, actually being on a river. Then, a second moment of confusion when you’re presented with wine pairings, which you’ll consume by candlelight while sitting at an actual table. Seriously, is this camping? Lunches are similarly gourmet, as are hors d’oeuvres, freshly baked desserts, and every morning’s hot breakfast — ever had Eggs Benedict on a river trip?

After dark, you can chat up the on-staff area expert to learn more about your surroundings or just tuck in early in the sleeping quarters that have already been set up for you when you weren’t looking — complete with actual bedding, bedside tables, and night lights. (It’ll magically disappear in the mornings, too.) During the days, you’ll be guided via river by Utah’s famous arches and canyon ridges, including Dead Horse Point, Airport Tower, Lockhart Canyon, and Lathrup Canyon. After being tossed around by whitewater rapids in Cataract Canyon, the tour reaches Lake Powell, from where you’ll be flown back to Moab on a scenic flight over the White Rim, Henry Mountains, and other Colorado Plateau features.

3. Eating for 3 hours straight at Forage in Salt Lake City

Squash the autonomous little menu-orderer inside you for just one night and let Chef Bowman Brown at Salt Lake City’s Forage take over. From the moment you accidentally walk past the restaurant twice because it just looks like a cute little house in a residential neighborhood, you’ve relinquished the controls. Once in the door, the experience begins.

Dinner at Forage typically involves somewhere between 14 and 16 courses. Unless you’ve called ahead to notify the kitchen of your gluten allergy or any other food intolerance, you get what you get and you’ll smile and like it. No, seriously, you’ll like it — Chef Brown prides himself on sourcing local seasonal ingredients, many of them wild-harvested in the area or attained from friendly neighbors and nearby farms, all of them presented masterfully to highlight their natural states.

The menu at Forage changes daily, but (depending on season) expect highlights like local dandelions with honey, a bunch of vegetables you’ll spend a solid four minutes trying to pronounce, house-churned butter with your homemade bread, fennel croquette, soft scrambled egg with white truffle, elk heart tartare, some edible flowers produced by a neighbor up the street…the food, it just keeps on coming, along with detailed explanations for every bite. At the end of your meal, when you’re sent off with your little souvenir baggie of house-made granola, you’ll burp and wonder if what you just witnessed was a meal or performance art.

Tasting menus are $89 per person, plus an extra $65 for full wine pairings ($35 for half the wine).

4. Skiing Deer Valley with an Olympic medalist

Photo: Mike Reid

Just skiing at Utah’s Deer Valley is pretty luxurious in itself. Consider the fact that, with the exception of dangling them from your feet on a chairlift, you won’t be spending much time carrying your skis. From the second you pull up to the property, one of Deer Valley’s curbside ski valets meets you to relieve you of your gear. Then there are the attendants who preemptively brush snow and ice from your chairlift benches before you sit down, the ever-present staff members directing you exactly where you want to go, and of course the lift-line Kleenex stations. Everything at Deer Valley, from the on-site artisan cheese-maker to the wood-paneled bathrooms, is designed to make you feel like a Very Big Deal.

But you can still take it up a notch by parking your bags at the St. Regis Deer Valley overnight. Here, another famous set of people-pleasers — the St. Regis butlers and concierges — will follow up on your every demand, any time of day or night. Even when it involves delivering an Olympic medalist to the slopes to take you out on an excursion.

That’s right — St. Regis Deer Valley’s Ski Ambassador, Olympian medalist Shannon Bahrke, will treat you to a day on the slopes, where you can pretend to also have what it takes to medal in the Olympics…twice. After $2,400 worth of her trying to make you a better skier and showing you around her favorite Deer Valley spots, it’s back to the patio at the St. Regis for a good ol’ champagne sabering ceremony.

5. Going all out at Sundance

Photo: Raffi Asdourian

The Sundance Film Festival — one of the biggest and most influential independent film fests on the face of the planet — takes place in Park City, Utah. Two hundred films are screened here each winter, many of which will later go on to give you tons of indie street cred when you casually remark that you attended a Q&A with the director and cast back at Sundance years ago — you know, before the Oscar.

But where to stay? In the middle of Historic Park City, the Washington School House is the pinnacle of uber-luxury and centrally located to the best of Sundance, while also functioning as an elegant-but-not-overly-stuffy retreat from the scene when needed. After standing in two-hour lines in the Utah winter and negotiating your entry into celebrity-laden parties, retiring to the property’s private dining room and fireside lounge (open only to guests of the hotel’s 12 rooms) is like returning to the safety of the womb. Eat in peace thanks to the private chef, skip the late-night scramble to the nearest open convenience store thanks to the 24-hour concierge, and never, ever get out of bed again. Thanks, unspeakably magnificent Pratesi bedsheets.

And you can go one further with membership to the Sundance Patron Circle. For an incredibly generous donation to the Sundance Institute (if you skip the bonuses, it’s totally tax deductible!), you can make it rain with film screening tickets and credentials, attend private screenings and receptions with filmmakers, and get in hassle-free to the opening and closing ceremonies — a true ‘insider’ experience of this iconic cultural event.

6. Unplugging at Red Mountain Resort

Southern Utah’s Red Mountain Resort is all about relaxation, being in nature, and getting your wellness on. Its self-contained, remote location means you don’t have to plan anything. Their prepackaged excursions cover guides, transportation, and snacks for you — just like summer camp. Retreat packages include three healthy meals per day and a mix-and-match assortment of fitness classes, guided hikes and excursions, cooking demos, spa packages, and “personal discovery” experiences. There are over 50 fitness class options available each week, but ain’t nobody going to judge you if you spend your entire trip sitting in one of the many whirlpools or swimming pools, or if you just wander around the on-site labyrinth over and over again.

Excursions are varied enough that you can follow up a day of hardcore athleticism — mountain biking around Zion National Park or canyoneering — with a chill day checking out the local wild mustangs, getting a 1-on-1 photography lesson, or taking dogs from nearby Ivins City Animal Shelter out for a hike.

Their “Adventure Concierge” can also hook you up with a round of golf at the nearby Ledges Golf Course designed by Matt Dye. The course itself is surrounded by red sandstone mountains and lava rock, so your 18 holes can totally double for some time spent checking out Utah’s scenery, especially the epic view of Snow Canyon State Park from the back 9.

7. Yachting on Lake Powell

Photo: Jason Rogers

A huge amount of the land surrounding Lake Powell isn’t accessible by car; it’s the lake itself that serves as the road to many of the natural landmarks and features in the area. To reach Lake Powell’s most remote Martian-like canyons, you’ll need on-water transport.

A huge upgrade from the crowded houseboat your friends are all stuck on, an Axiom Star Lake Yacht is hands-down the most luxurious way to explore Lake Powell’s 1,960 miles of shoreline. The yacht rental from Bullfrog Marina includes a personal captain, so literally all you have to do is dictate where the boat should dock next, then sip champagne on the top deck while watching the red sandstone cliffs and arches pass by.

Each of these 65ft yachts have four staterooms (all fully loaded with a flat-screen and queen-size bed), two full-and-fancy bathrooms, a kitchen, a dining area, living room, a screened-in upper deck, big ol’ BBQ grill, a waterslide (seriously), and an 8-person hot tub so nobody feels left out.

Lake Powell Resorts & Marinas’ yacht package also includes a powerboat or a couple of jet skis so you can park the yacht and make a faster and more adrenaline-fueled escape into some of the lake’s narrower slot canyons. Check out West Canyon, where you’ll probably end up abandoning your watercraft to stand slack-jawed and teary-eyed looking at a ray of sunlight dropping into the canyon or a waterfall sliding into a hidden pool.

This post was proudly produced in partnership with Utah, home of The Mighty 5®.

10 dates people from Brooklyn go on

Photo: Melissa Segal

1. The Artsy Date: artisan craft fair

We spend the day strolling through booths of beautifully crafted jewelry and artfully hand-lettered posters, eating our way through samples of homemade jams, cheeses, and momofuku cookies. Purchases of baby onesies for coworkers, and handmade barrettes for little sisters, are entirely possible. There’s usually no charge for entry, so if you don’t buy anything it’s a pretty cheap date.

2. The We Can Be Sporty Date: Cyclones baseball game

Who needs the Yankees or the Mets, anyway? Brooklyn “boasts” its very own minor, minor, minor league baseball team, the Brooklyn Cyclones. Tickets are less than $20, and usually include a cheap beer and a Nathan’s hot dog. As an added cutesy bonus, each game features an adorable and cheesy theme like Elvis night, Stars Wars night, or even Nickelodeon Slime Night. With free fireworks every Saturday, and views of the ocean and historic Coney Island from any seat, the Cyclones make even the most-jaded, non-sporty person a baseball fan for the evening.

3. The Good, Old-Fashioned Date: Coney Island

Nothing screams romantic more than creaky carnival rides, circus sideshow freaks, and polyester-stuffed animals that can be won by throwing baseballs at old-school milk bottles. Walking the boardwalk, we are transported to an older, slightly goofier New York City. In June, there is the fun, fanciful, and risqué Mermaid Parade, and July 4th weekend hosts the “World Famous Nathan’s International Hot-Dog Eating Contest.” Watching grown men (and women) eat 61 hot dogs in 10 minutes may kill the mood a bit, but it’s sure to be memorable!

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4. The Romantic Date for Folks on a Budget: picnic in Prospect Park

Brooklynites tend to always feel poor. After all, we do live in Brooklyn. Eventually, we all convince ourselves that it will be cheaper to go to the Grand Army Plaza Greenmarket to buy ingredients for brunch than it will be to go out for brunch. And it will be, until we buy two types of artisinal bread, six gourmet cheeses, a fancy Long Island wine, and enough thinly sliced meats to fill our entire fridge. Eating in Prospect Park really is lovely though — until a kid’s soccer ball knocks over your wine, or a bird poops on your boyfriend’s sweater.

5. The Throwback Date: reliving childhood at “Mortified” and Barcade

The date begins with a trip to the monthly live show, “Mortified,” where people share their most embarrassing adolescent artifacts (i.e. diaries) publicly for all to hear. Follow this up with a throwback trip to Barcade, where we play some of our favorite old-school gaming machines for only 50 cents a pop, while enjoying Brooklyn’s finest brews. This place takes its gaming so seriously that if one of us is on pace to get a high score (which they proudly display on the wall), they will stay open! It’s probably best to do all of this on a Thursday so you can Instagram it correctly.

6. The Quintessential Brooklyn Date: a rooftop

Nothing says “Brooklyn” quite like rooftops. And finding a semi-secret, yet still crowded-enough-to-be-considered-trendy rooftop bar, is the pinnacle of Brooklyn dates. Drink wine, smoke cigarettes, and make small talk while overlooking the Manhattan skyline. Extra points if someone takes a “candid” photo of the two of you laughing with the buildings lit up behind you, for all of Facebook to be jealous of.

7. The Hipster’s Night Out

For real Hipsters, fake hipsters, and wannabe hipsters alike, eventually all Brooklynites will end up on a date that the majority of society would consider…well…“hipster.” Perhaps it’s a trip to the City Reliquary, where you can discover some of New York’s weirdest artifacts (subway dust anyone?) or maybe it’s a tour of the small Brooklyn chocolate shop owned by two very-bearded men, Mast Brothers. Either way, living in Brooklyn gives you access to funky, fun, and downright strange events, so why not choose to enjoy them?

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8. The Chill Date: small music venue

On Saturday evenings, live music can be heard from every tiny bar and beer hall in Brooklyn. Stay at Pete’s Candy Store for music and trivia, or music hop around the numerous venues in Williamsburg. Live music gives you a nice little backdrop to get to know someone, and it certainly makes for a great night.

9. The Scholarly Date: taking a class

You can take a class on anything in Brooklyn. Anything. Perfect your charcoal-drawing skills or refine your wonton-making abilities at the Brooklyn Brainery. Learn to rock climb at Brooklyn Boulder, or practice French at Idlewild Bookstore in Williamsburg. The couple that learns together stays together! At least that’s what they tell me.

10. The Let’s Stay In Date: pizza & craft beer

Why go out when you can stay in? Rest assured that if all else fails, your Brooklyn apartment has got you covered. If there are two things Brooklyn really knows how to do right, it’s a damn good pizza and craft beer while having a cuddle on your second-hand couch.

How to piss off the northern English

Photo: Tom Blackwell

Refer to “The North”

The North of England has no official definition, but we all know where it starts, just after Birmingham on the M6. It isn’t one single, monolithic entity. There are 15 million people living in the north, a quarter of the entire population of the UK. Our towns and cities have character, individuality, uniqueness, and personality.

I’m from Salford — not Manchester, but Salford; they’re completely different, distinct cities with their own identities, and that’s just two cities separated by nothing more than a river. Half an hour to the west down the M62 is Liverpool, a city as distinct from Manchester as, say, Beijing is from Ouagadougou. Sheffield, Leeds, Bradford, Newcastle, Hull — all their own towns, all unique and individual. We’re Mancs, or Scousers, or Georgies. Just don’t label us “northerners.”

Mimic the accent

There are, of course, myriad accents across the counties of northern England. If you can’t tell Manchester apart from Liverpool, or Tyneside, or northern Lancashire, or Yorkshire, well, you’re simply not paying attention. Locals can place an accent within a region — I can tell you if you’re from Salford or Manchester (pro tip: Manchester’s all nasal and whiney and Oasis-y and full of glottal stops; Salford’s more flat and dull and slightly Neanderthal). I’m told, by northeasterners, that in the northeast, the differences between the accents of Newcastle and Gateshead Sunderland and Durham are unmistakeable.

So when a southerner tries to sound like he’s from “oop north,” a little bit of us dies inside. The braver, or more-knowledgeable souls will have a tilt at a specific accent, and usually fail miserably. A posh boy from “dine sythe” trying to imitate a Manchester accent usually defaults to something like Liam Gallagher imitating Jimmy Saville, and the result is unlike anything that’s ever been uttered by anyone without a speech impediment north of the River Trent. It’s not pretty.

Most southerners don’t even realise that there are regional accents up north, and default to the standard “trouble at t’mill” painfulness. When David Cameron, posh southerner par excellence, recently tried to imitate Yorkshire in a speech talking up William Hague, he finally gave Lancashire and Yorkshire a common cause to unite them. It was the linguistic equivalent of putting on blackface — mockery dressed up as affectionate imitation. Most galling of all, he wasn’t even very good at it.

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Be a snob

I grew up in Salford, the real-world Weatherfield of Coronation Street fame, but I’m not sure where the nearest cobbled street to me Mam and Dad’s house is. I’ve never drunk a pint of bitter in my life. I don’t own a whippet, or a ferret. And so on. I do have a flat cap, but that’s more as protection for my bald spot in the sun than because that’s what we wear up north. I like black pudding, but who in their right mind doesn’t?

But we don’t all work down the mill, or the pit — there haven’t been operational mill or pits since the 1980s (and don’t get me started on why that is). We have running water and electricity; we don’t all live in two-up, two-down terraced houses. We bathe. We go to school and we’re educated. I shouldn’t have to point these things out, but many are the occasions when some posh southern git has spoken to me, with a shudder, of “the north” like passing the Watford Gap means going back a 150 years to a land of dirty, squalid little towns that all look like a Lowry painting come to life, where everyone talks funny and you simply can’t get a decent glass of Chateau de Chasseley if your life depended upon it.

Drop the condescension.

Pity our provincialism

I won’t even try to speak for Liverpool, or Sheffield, or Bradford, or any of the other fine cities of the north of England. I’ll talk, instead, about the BBC’s relocation of many of its operations to Salford’s MediaCityUK in 2012. The corporation had to pay £24 million to encourage its people to move to Salford — 24-million pounds to move to a city where it’s actually possible to buy a house without selling both your kidney and those of your children, too. Posh southerners were so filled with revulsion — it’s grim up north, don’t you know? — that they had to be slipped massive bungs to get them up the motorway.

And what did they find? Everything they could possibly want. Manchester is, without doubt, the cultural capital of the country, regardless of what London might say — the Sixties are over, lads, get over yourselves. You’ll find culture here, and you’ll find plenty of fine dining. Don’t believe me? Shall we start in Chinatown or Rusholme?

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Talk sport

It’s almost embarrassing to talk sport with a southerner. Northern England has owned football for decades — with the greatest football club in the history of the sport, as well as a number of top-end teams in Liverpool, Manchester, and Lancashire. I’ll nip off to the Internet (did I mention that computers were invented in Manchester?) to find out what the south brings to the table. Talk among yourselves — I will need some time.

And don’t — no, seriously, just don’t — mention Rugby to us. Rugby — that would be Rugby League, of course — is a man’s sport, played hard. Rugby Union’s a soft lad’s game played by doughy southerners.

Don’t imagine that any of the foregoing is borne of resentment. Despite the Harrowing of the North that began in the 1980s and continues today with economic growth, development, and investment focused on London, the north of England remains a proud region with history and character.

It is a little grim up north, though…

When you date a Chilean guy

Photo: Cristian Labarca

1. You’ll become immune to, and willingly participate in, PDAs.

You used to roll your eyes when you came across a couple canoodling in public. Since you started dating your Chilean boyfriend, your gringa fría (cold foreigner) ways have melted, and you’ve conformed to the ways of the Latin lover. You’ve even warmed up to the previously appalling nose-to-nose nuzzle, and now you’re certain there’s no going back.

2. You’ll learn how to dance like a chicken in heat.

Chile’s national dance is the cueca, which essentially represents a rooster courting a chicken. There are different types of cueca — the most aggressive form consists of the man dance-chasing his female partner in a circle with hops, twirls, and fancy footwork thrown in for good measure. If you attend any party or festival with your pololo (boyfriend) on any national holiday (or any pisco-filled asado year-round) chances are high you’ll be dancing the cueca.

3. You’ll think you’re an amazing chef.

Chileans often live at home until they’re well into their twenties and potentially until they’re married. This means they never have to go through the trials and errors of dorm-room cooking or the struggles of learning to feed themselves more than ramen post-college. As women still typically do the family cooking, Chilean men in particular might never learn how to cook, so even if all you can whip up is a cheese omelet, your Chilean boyfriend will be amazed.

4. You’ll become a victim of many, many earthquakes.

The terremoto (earthquake) is a popular Chilean cocktail combining white wine or pipeño, grenadine, and pineapple ice cream. While the appropriate serving size for terremotos is probably one drink, your pololo is a terremoto-making machine, and at house parties he’ll dutifully make sure you never see the bottom of your glass. Just like in a real earthquake, the sensation will hit you suddenly, you’ll be grasping for the walls, and you’ll probably wake up on the floor with a killer caña (hangover) and a lampshade on your head.

5. You’ll learn the art of the cheap date.

Most jobs in Chile don’t pay that well. Neither you nor your pololo will have much money to spend on each other, so you’ll have to get creative when it comes to pololeando (dating). Dinner and a movie or a night out on the town might not always be on the agenda, so you two will design dates that are a bit more piola (chill): going for long walks, hanging out at home, or even trolling a mall — a favorite Chilean pastime.

6. You’ll know enough Chilean music to start your own tribute band.

With many long nights spent at your pololo‘s side singing karaoke to Los Prisioneros, Los Tres, and Los Jaivas, you’ll easily know enough Chilean music to start your own tribute band.

7. You’ll realize you’re a slob.

Perhaps it stems from a deep-seated fear of the araña del rincón (deadly spiders native to Chile that dwell in the untouched corners of one’s house), but Chileans are generally very tidy. Everything in your pololo‘s room is always in its proper place, his clothes are hung and folded neatly, and he makes a mean bed. You, on the other hand, haven’t seen the surface of your desk in weeks, half of your bed doubles as your closet, and the last time you cleaned your floor was really just the last time you spilled juice on it.

8. You’ll build up your party stamina.

Being nightlife intolerant just doesn’t fly in Chile. The Chileans like to carretear (party) until the sun comes up, and your pololo‘s natural stamina far exceeds your own. To avoid looking like a party pooper, or muy fome (very lame), you’ll need to boost your endurance for a night of carreteando.

9. You’ll fail as a cultural ambassador.

Chileans are proud yet sensitive people and are curious about and competitive with other cultures. Your Chilean boyfriend and his friends will count on you for information about your home country, and you’re an unreliable source of information. “What’s the national dance of the United States?” You’ll teach them the Cotton-Eyed Joe and the Electric Slide. “What’s the typical cuisine like?” We eat lots of Italian takeout. “How is American football played?” You’ve never understood it yourself. You’ll tell tales of a magical place called Target, bake chocolate-chip cookies, play YouTube videos of The Lonely Island, and probably exert a great deal of effort to distance yourself from comparisons to Miley Cyrus.

10. You’ll learn to set your watch to Chilean time.

When your pololo says he’s on his way, you’ll learn it means he’ll leave in an hour.

11. You’ll learn a million different ways to say one simple thing.

Chileans speak their own language made up of slang, profanities, and animal-related idioms. Even if you speak Spanish with near fluency, you’ll often be left staring at your Chilean boyfriend and wishing subtitles would magically appear under his face. “I’m tired” is no longer simply, “Tengo sueño” or, “Estoy cansado” but also, “Tengo tuto” and, “Se me echó la yegua” (which means “the horse kicked me”). If your pololo has to use the bathroom, he’ll probably tell you he’s going to write his memoirs or study nuclear physics. This means he’ll be a while.

12. You’ll become a spoiled regalona.

Chileans don’t just cuddle, they regalonear, which is like super cuddling that pervades your everyday activities. Chilean guys will ruin you for non-Chilean guys as they’ll spoil you with unwavering affection, random acts of sweetness, and constant cariños.

You've become culturally Argentine

Photo: Gabriel Louback

1. In any WTF situation, your thumb, index, and middle finger automatically unite and rise.

2. In any food situation, your hand and the salt shaker automatically meet.

3. In any drinking situation, you ensure your glass chinks every single glass in the room, AND you do that annoying eye-contact thing.

4. You no longer think fernet tastes like de-icer.

5. You’re never sure how to greet non-Argentines of the same sex and inevitably use too much bodily contact.

6. You understand that beeping the horn nonstop is an integral part of any driving experience.

7. You no longer think Día del Amigo is on par with Valentine’s Day for stupid pointless commercialism.

8. You actually tell your mom and dad that you love them. Seriously.

9. You have no problem with drinking Quilmes.

10. You’re suspicious of policemen, even if they’re the same color as you.

11. If a woman, you ignore football entirely for three years and 11 months and then get extremely shouty and screamy for four weeks and annoy the shit out of everyone.

12. It no longer phases you to start making dinner at 11pm.

13. You consider punctuality an Anglo-Saxon absurdity.

Hikers discover firearm booby trap

Photo: Russ Seidel

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT PORTLAND’S WEIRD and I am a partisan of keeping it that way, but this is going a little too far.

When going for a hike in Forest Park with Rhoda, the family dog, Mike and Jennifer Colbach escaped serious injury when they stumbled upon a makeshift firearm booby trap.

A cord was running across the trail, ready to trip any unsuspecting hiker and set off an improvised firearm attached to a tree in the bush along the trail. Luckily for everyone, after inspection of the device by the bomb squad, it was confirmed that the weapon had malfunctioned when the dog stepped on the parachute cord trigger.

No one was hurt, but the Colbachs have been spooked (who can blame them?) and will not be walking the trails of Portland’s Forest Park anytime soon.

An investigation is underway, but until the people responsible for this macabre joke are arrested, you’d better watch your

step.

Why we Israelis travel in packs

Photo: Achi Raz

That noisy group sitting around the table, sharing a home-cooked meal and speaking something that sounds like guttural French? Yup, probably Israelis. If you get to know them, they’ll usually break down to twos or threes, but it’s not unusual to see 10 or 15 Israelis hanging out together, at just about any decent travel destination. It’s not an organized tour, it just happens. So why?

We’re all one big, happy family.

Not really. But by the age of three-to-six months, the average Israeli baby is in gun (that’s daycare, not an Uzi) until age five, when they enter the school system. After approximately 12 years of sometimes-questionable peer relation building comes the pièce de résistance: military service. That’s another three years (two for women) of intense bonding through shared physical and mental challenges — brothers and sisters in arms, literally. By the time they set off to travel, being together in groups is just…normal.

It’s nice to be with people who ‘get it.’

The Israeli-Arab conflict must be the most-publicized, least-understood issue in world politics. It engenders everything from apathy to rage. People who have no connection to or clear understanding of the situation will take to the streets to demonstrate on one side or the other (well, usually one side). It’s hard to say which is more tiring — the well-meaning “What is going on over there, anyway?” usually followed by about 30 seconds of vague interest in the reply, or the more aggressive “How can you guys be so awful to those poor people?” from someone who has already decided on the answer before asking the question. A healthy debate is always welcome, but that involves a level of knowledge and understanding that most people just don’t have — though it would be great if they did.

It’s a matter of trust.

This is a bit of a paradox because inside Israel people relate to each other much like they do in most countries — they lock their doors, car alarms are ubiquitous, and the used-car salesman is guaranteed to be a wannabe con-man. But outside of Israel, the only person an Israeli can really trust is another Israeli. He will think nothing of leaving his cell phone on the table (of Israelis) while he goes to dance. Sharing a room, joining a group going anywhere, even lending money is no question. It sounds naïve, but it works.

It’s the siege mentality, or is it safety in numbers?

Israelis grow up in a small world, surrounded by enemies. Contrary to its ‘size’ in international headlines, the country is actually quite tiny — 20,700 km2 (about the size of New Jersey) with a population of just over 8 million, 75% of which are Jews. Luckily, the climate is varied for its size and the sites are world-class, but Israelis can’t ‘get out’ much. Our neighbors hate us — some to the point of wanting to wipe Israel off the map.

Of course, we can and do fly to countries that are more hospitable and welcoming, though there is never a guarantee that you won’t run into an impromptu anti-Israel demonstration or swastika-tattooed skinhead anywhere in this world. Just when you think you’ve really connected with the abuela frying empanadas in the middle of nowhere Peru, she realizes that you killed Jesus…and it’s all over. Nothing brings people together like being hated and threatened, and when you grow up with that, it just stays with you.

The ‘mainstream’ in Israel has a really strong current.

Maybe it’s because the country is small and kind of isolated, but people tend to go with the flow. That is not to say that Israelis don’t think for themselves…as the saying goes, “Put 10 Israelis in a room and you’ll have 11 opinions.” But let’s face it, we all drink the same coffee! When it comes to food choices, activities, attitude, we tend to have a lot in common. Doesn’t everyone want to be with people just like them?

We’re in good company.

Israelis, especially the traveling ones, are fun! They tend to be adventurous, down to earth, resourceful, intelligent, and curious travelers. They aren’t the nicest people you’ll meet — politeness isn’t really a thing in Israel, but get to know them and you’ll find a warm, trustworthy, entertaining bunch of people.

The truth is, they aren’t all in groups. Quite a few Israelis travel alone, often to more-adventurous destinations. In fact, I would argue that the best ones are traveling alone…but I’m biased.