Adam Wasserman's Blog: Strictly Voluntory, page 2
August 13, 2015
Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
And now a word from our sponsors!
Ever wonder what community living is like? You might not have a security clearance, but you've heard the stories. In communal living facilities scattered throughout the Bunker, each resident has his or her own roomy cubicle. The cleaning station has a few extra toilets, and the commissaries have an expanded menu. You don't have an Epsilon clearance? Not a problem! Total Submersion VR Tours can take you there – in your mind! You won't know the difference between one of our specially designed VR tours and the real thing. Total Submersion VR Tours are perfectly safe and guaranteed not to fuse parts of your cerebral cortex like the next leading brand – or your money back! Come on down to our studios in R-8 sector to browse the testimonials from thousands of satisfied customers. Our qualified service representatives will help you find the package that's right for you. Total Submersion VR Tours. “The perfect experience – like the perfect citizen – is the one you engineer beforehand.”
HAPPINESS INDEX RISES TO NEW RECORD! The Bureau of Statistics over at Central Management erupted in celebration earlier today after announcing the latest reading of the Happiness Index. As far back as anyone can remember, each reading has consistently surpassed the previous. The most authoritative gauge of the welfare of the Bunker's many inhabitants, it is compiled each monthstretch from data collected in mandatory surveys. These questionnaires are designed by a top secret team of Community Psychologists, administered by gangs of sure-footed Survey Fullbacks armed with stun guns, and scored by a crack squadron of Probability Statisticians on a protracted Sedeterol binge. The proud volunteers conscripted to take the Happiness Survey are either rewarded with a special pin or hauled away to a labor camp until they are ready to fully acknowledge the extent of their heartfelt joy. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the uninterrupted surge in the Happiness Index is incontrovertible proof that the terrorists have failed to make even the slightest dent in our unwavering resolve to mercilessly eradicate them from all space, time, and memory.
DEAR EDITOR, Ever since I graduated from the creche, my assigned naptime has been at the start of my daystretch – just after breakfast! I've tried filling out the proper forms to get it changed, but they are consistently rejected or ignored. What gives? Bella Johnson A-6 sector.
DEAR BELLA, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Ever wonder what community living is like? You might not have a security clearance, but you've heard the stories. In communal living facilities scattered throughout the Bunker, each resident has his or her own roomy cubicle. The cleaning station has a few extra toilets, and the commissaries have an expanded menu. You don't have an Epsilon clearance? Not a problem! Total Submersion VR Tours can take you there – in your mind! You won't know the difference between one of our specially designed VR tours and the real thing. Total Submersion VR Tours are perfectly safe and guaranteed not to fuse parts of your cerebral cortex like the next leading brand – or your money back! Come on down to our studios in R-8 sector to browse the testimonials from thousands of satisfied customers. Our qualified service representatives will help you find the package that's right for you. Total Submersion VR Tours. “The perfect experience – like the perfect citizen – is the one you engineer beforehand.”
HAPPINESS INDEX RISES TO NEW RECORD! The Bureau of Statistics over at Central Management erupted in celebration earlier today after announcing the latest reading of the Happiness Index. As far back as anyone can remember, each reading has consistently surpassed the previous. The most authoritative gauge of the welfare of the Bunker's many inhabitants, it is compiled each monthstretch from data collected in mandatory surveys. These questionnaires are designed by a top secret team of Community Psychologists, administered by gangs of sure-footed Survey Fullbacks armed with stun guns, and scored by a crack squadron of Probability Statisticians on a protracted Sedeterol binge. The proud volunteers conscripted to take the Happiness Survey are either rewarded with a special pin or hauled away to a labor camp until they are ready to fully acknowledge the extent of their heartfelt joy. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the uninterrupted surge in the Happiness Index is incontrovertible proof that the terrorists have failed to make even the slightest dent in our unwavering resolve to mercilessly eradicate them from all space, time, and memory.
DEAR EDITOR, Ever since I graduated from the creche, my assigned naptime has been at the start of my daystretch – just after breakfast! I've tried filling out the proper forms to get it changed, but they are consistently rejected or ignored. What gives? Bella Johnson A-6 sector.
DEAR BELLA, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
August 6, 2015
Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
TERRORISTS FABRICATE ALLEGED BLACKOUTS IN Y SECTOR! Treasonous elements have launched yet another cowardly assault on the Bunker. This time, they are spreading despicable, virulent rumors of imagined power failures in H sector. If you believe the cooked-up feeds being spread on X.net, citizens are dying in droves of asphyxiation, dehydration, and hypothermia. Naturally, nothing could be further from the truth. H sector is perfectly fine, as is everyone inside of it. These pathetic attempts to undermine our collective morale were doomed to failure from the start. Citizens, if you receive any links to these illegal and poorly made feeds or suspect anyone you know of passing them on to others, report the incident immediately to your Homeland Security neighborhood substation. Thank you for your cooperation.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Need something to breathe? Maybe an extra blanket or two? Air and warmth are two of life's most necessary ingredients – and they are readily available in the Bunker at all times. Still, these commodities have uses other than supporting precious life. Is it time to clean out the inside of your petbot? Our canisters hold hourstretches of clean, fresh air. Afraid of an electrical fire breaking out in your helpbot's charging station? Our blankets are thick, comfortable and insulated. Life Or Death, Inc. We invite you to visit our site on X.net. And if you order one hundred or more canisters of compressed air now, we'll throw in an ecopack for free! That's right! Be the life of the party in your own air-tight, self-contained environment! Life Or Death, Inc. Yes, we deliver!
OFFICIAL ARTIST FOR HAPPY DAYSTRETCH EXPO ANNOUNCED! Everybody loves Happy Daystretch, even if they don't know when it is until it's already been. The fact is, any daystretch could be Happy Daystretch, and it's always fast approaching. Fortunately, the Bunker is a utopia, and all its citizens are happy all the time. There is therefore no reason to worry that Happy Daystretch won't be dutifully honored as its name implies. As a tribute to the daystretch we all have come to crave and love, citizen Wanjuna Gringibor T-2 sector has been chosen as the official artist for the upcoming Happy Daystretch Expo! A collection of her most important works – all dedicated to this yearstretch's theme of Inner Peace Through Compliance – will be making its way through the Bunker over the next weekstretch. Click here to find out when Wanjuna Gringibor's graceful sculptures and paintings will be available in a plaza or public square nearest you.
DEAR EDITOR, I can't breathe, even though I want to. Help! [Name and place of residence deleted for security reasons]
DEAR [Name and place of residence deleted for security reasons], the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
H SECTOR WINS FIRST 'MOST PATRIOTIC PLACE TO LIVE AND WORK' AWARD! We are proud to announce that H sector – and everyone in it! – is the recipient of the Bunker's first ever Most Patriotic Place To Live And Work Award! Earlier today, some the most highly regarded graphic designers at Housing and Construction's Urban Planning division teamed up to rate the aesthetics of each of the Bunker's twenty-five sectors. They also took into account the friendliness and helpfulness of the citizens working and living there. And wouldn't you know it – all twenty-five sectors scored a ten out of ten possible points! However, the Award could not be shared among all the apparent victors. It would have been unfair to the fierce but loyal determination with which they contended for the prize. After a long and at times heated debate, the graphic designers over at H&C finally settled on a winner: H sector! The determining factor: [We're sorry, but this information is not available at your security clearance.] The celebrations are expected to be impressive, and preparations are currently being made. For this reason, H sector has been temporarily restricted to H&C personnel in the Toxic Cleanup and Emergency Restoration divisions. No one else will be allowed in or out. Thank you for your cooperation.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
TERRORISTS FABRICATE ALLEGED BLACKOUTS IN Y SECTOR! Treasonous elements have launched yet another cowardly assault on the Bunker. This time, they are spreading despicable, virulent rumors of imagined power failures in H sector. If you believe the cooked-up feeds being spread on X.net, citizens are dying in droves of asphyxiation, dehydration, and hypothermia. Naturally, nothing could be further from the truth. H sector is perfectly fine, as is everyone inside of it. These pathetic attempts to undermine our collective morale were doomed to failure from the start. Citizens, if you receive any links to these illegal and poorly made feeds or suspect anyone you know of passing them on to others, report the incident immediately to your Homeland Security neighborhood substation. Thank you for your cooperation.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Need something to breathe? Maybe an extra blanket or two? Air and warmth are two of life's most necessary ingredients – and they are readily available in the Bunker at all times. Still, these commodities have uses other than supporting precious life. Is it time to clean out the inside of your petbot? Our canisters hold hourstretches of clean, fresh air. Afraid of an electrical fire breaking out in your helpbot's charging station? Our blankets are thick, comfortable and insulated. Life Or Death, Inc. We invite you to visit our site on X.net. And if you order one hundred or more canisters of compressed air now, we'll throw in an ecopack for free! That's right! Be the life of the party in your own air-tight, self-contained environment! Life Or Death, Inc. Yes, we deliver!
OFFICIAL ARTIST FOR HAPPY DAYSTRETCH EXPO ANNOUNCED! Everybody loves Happy Daystretch, even if they don't know when it is until it's already been. The fact is, any daystretch could be Happy Daystretch, and it's always fast approaching. Fortunately, the Bunker is a utopia, and all its citizens are happy all the time. There is therefore no reason to worry that Happy Daystretch won't be dutifully honored as its name implies. As a tribute to the daystretch we all have come to crave and love, citizen Wanjuna Gringibor T-2 sector has been chosen as the official artist for the upcoming Happy Daystretch Expo! A collection of her most important works – all dedicated to this yearstretch's theme of Inner Peace Through Compliance – will be making its way through the Bunker over the next weekstretch. Click here to find out when Wanjuna Gringibor's graceful sculptures and paintings will be available in a plaza or public square nearest you.
DEAR EDITOR, I can't breathe, even though I want to. Help! [Name and place of residence deleted for security reasons]
DEAR [Name and place of residence deleted for security reasons], the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
H SECTOR WINS FIRST 'MOST PATRIOTIC PLACE TO LIVE AND WORK' AWARD! We are proud to announce that H sector – and everyone in it! – is the recipient of the Bunker's first ever Most Patriotic Place To Live And Work Award! Earlier today, some the most highly regarded graphic designers at Housing and Construction's Urban Planning division teamed up to rate the aesthetics of each of the Bunker's twenty-five sectors. They also took into account the friendliness and helpfulness of the citizens working and living there. And wouldn't you know it – all twenty-five sectors scored a ten out of ten possible points! However, the Award could not be shared among all the apparent victors. It would have been unfair to the fierce but loyal determination with which they contended for the prize. After a long and at times heated debate, the graphic designers over at H&C finally settled on a winner: H sector! The determining factor: [We're sorry, but this information is not available at your security clearance.] The celebrations are expected to be impressive, and preparations are currently being made. For this reason, H sector has been temporarily restricted to H&C personnel in the Toxic Cleanup and Emergency Restoration divisions. No one else will be allowed in or out. Thank you for your cooperation.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
July 30, 2015
Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
THE GOOD NEIGHBORHOOD RUNNER RELEASED TO GREAT ACCLAIM! A few hourstretches ago, the first breathless viewers were finally afforded the Bunker's premier screening of The Good Neighborhood Runner, Harmin Luckstone's latest blockbuster action movie. Initially delayed due to a bureaucratic accident over at Human Resource's Public Diplomacy division, the film has already received enthusiastic reviews. “A product of the Bunker's penchant for innovation combined with unbridled enthusiasm for wholesome, humorous vengeance. Not to mention lots of gratuitous gore and sex – sometimes at the same time!” So relayed a triumphant Milfred Roth, celebrity manager and current free agent, standing outside the Breathless Breezes community theater in C-4 sector. Throngs of fanatical fans swamped the turnstiles leading inside. “If the film's curious and entirely unanticipated delay has led to a sharp increase in ticket sales, the extra profits are an entirely unforeseen consequence,” Milfred Roth added with his usual aplomb before being whisked away in a limousine.
TERRORISTS STRIKE IN THE BOWELS OF R-7 SECTOR – LITERALLY! Casual visitors to the Enlightenment Through Conformity community dining hall were shocked and surprised when they all started fleeing for the nearest cleaning station. The lines were long and unsanitary. Explosive diarrhea is never a laughing matter, but this time the culprit was a provocateur from Frontal Lobotomy, that despicable band of hooligans intent on tearing asunder our peaceful, happy society. All the available agents from Homeland Security rushed to the scene, cordoned off the entrance, and demanded gas masks from their superiors. Reports that petty crime elsewhere in R-7 sector soared cannot be confirmed but are highly unlikely. It is, of course, extremely difficult to head off such attacks. After all, experience teaches that people – even the most loyal citizen – are highly unpredictable. Consider the traitor who introduced the offending strain of Cyclospora Cayetanensis into the Vitamim at the Enlightenment Through Conformity community dining hall. Did he have any visible marks identifying him as a social deviant? Of course not. Could this foul criminal have been inspired by a feed readily available on any vidchannel on X.net? The Bunker prides itself on its unrestricted flow of information. No one can say, and that's what's worrisome. In fact – We're sorry, but the article you have been reading has been redacted and no longer exists. There is no such thing as censorship in the Bunker. We apologize for the inconvenience.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Citizens, as you well know, the Terrorist Alert Level has just been raised to 'foreordained'. It's anyone's guess where the next threat will originate. That's why we're asking you to take a good, hard look at your neighbors and friends. Report any suspicious behavior you observe to a friendly agent at your Homeland Security neighborhood substation. Remember: only YOU can stop terrorism!
And now a word from our sponsors!
Arnold Pearsons Ltd. is proud to produce the Bunker's only officially approved line of quality letter openers! Never mind that email has almost completely replaced old-fashioned paper. Letter openers are one of the most overlooked utility items – until you need one! Sturdy, dependable, and weighted at the end of the hilt, Arnold Pearsons stands by its craftsmanship. The elongated blade can penetrate the deepest envelope and its serrated edge the toughest glue! Specially designed depressions allow for the immediate release of any viscous liquid that may be lurking inside. Arnold Pearsons letter openers are in high demand for a good reason. And it's certainly not because our letter openers also function as deadly weapons! Arnold Pearsons letter openers are meant for opening packages, not people. Arnold Pearsons. “Letter openers don't kill people; people kill people.”
DEAR EDITOR, I wish I were thinner. I need to be thinner. But they take attendance at my local commissary, and the butt checker at the cleaning station where I sometimes force myself to throw up is on to me. I think I need help. I know I need help. Who do I turn to? Anonymously yours, Ulfred Ringer N-7 sector.
DEAR ULFRED, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
HARMIN LUCKSTONE THE PROUD RECIPIENT OF FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME! Fans of the vidstar and other well-wishing citizens can come to the Catalina V. Villalpando Plaza in E-8 sector during the next two hourstretches where citizen Milfred Roth will be signing autographs on behalf of the zany vidstar – and himself.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
THE GOOD NEIGHBORHOOD RUNNER RELEASED TO GREAT ACCLAIM! A few hourstretches ago, the first breathless viewers were finally afforded the Bunker's premier screening of The Good Neighborhood Runner, Harmin Luckstone's latest blockbuster action movie. Initially delayed due to a bureaucratic accident over at Human Resource's Public Diplomacy division, the film has already received enthusiastic reviews. “A product of the Bunker's penchant for innovation combined with unbridled enthusiasm for wholesome, humorous vengeance. Not to mention lots of gratuitous gore and sex – sometimes at the same time!” So relayed a triumphant Milfred Roth, celebrity manager and current free agent, standing outside the Breathless Breezes community theater in C-4 sector. Throngs of fanatical fans swamped the turnstiles leading inside. “If the film's curious and entirely unanticipated delay has led to a sharp increase in ticket sales, the extra profits are an entirely unforeseen consequence,” Milfred Roth added with his usual aplomb before being whisked away in a limousine.
TERRORISTS STRIKE IN THE BOWELS OF R-7 SECTOR – LITERALLY! Casual visitors to the Enlightenment Through Conformity community dining hall were shocked and surprised when they all started fleeing for the nearest cleaning station. The lines were long and unsanitary. Explosive diarrhea is never a laughing matter, but this time the culprit was a provocateur from Frontal Lobotomy, that despicable band of hooligans intent on tearing asunder our peaceful, happy society. All the available agents from Homeland Security rushed to the scene, cordoned off the entrance, and demanded gas masks from their superiors. Reports that petty crime elsewhere in R-7 sector soared cannot be confirmed but are highly unlikely. It is, of course, extremely difficult to head off such attacks. After all, experience teaches that people – even the most loyal citizen – are highly unpredictable. Consider the traitor who introduced the offending strain of Cyclospora Cayetanensis into the Vitamim at the Enlightenment Through Conformity community dining hall. Did he have any visible marks identifying him as a social deviant? Of course not. Could this foul criminal have been inspired by a feed readily available on any vidchannel on X.net? The Bunker prides itself on its unrestricted flow of information. No one can say, and that's what's worrisome. In fact – We're sorry, but the article you have been reading has been redacted and no longer exists. There is no such thing as censorship in the Bunker. We apologize for the inconvenience.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Citizens, as you well know, the Terrorist Alert Level has just been raised to 'foreordained'. It's anyone's guess where the next threat will originate. That's why we're asking you to take a good, hard look at your neighbors and friends. Report any suspicious behavior you observe to a friendly agent at your Homeland Security neighborhood substation. Remember: only YOU can stop terrorism!
And now a word from our sponsors!
Arnold Pearsons Ltd. is proud to produce the Bunker's only officially approved line of quality letter openers! Never mind that email has almost completely replaced old-fashioned paper. Letter openers are one of the most overlooked utility items – until you need one! Sturdy, dependable, and weighted at the end of the hilt, Arnold Pearsons stands by its craftsmanship. The elongated blade can penetrate the deepest envelope and its serrated edge the toughest glue! Specially designed depressions allow for the immediate release of any viscous liquid that may be lurking inside. Arnold Pearsons letter openers are in high demand for a good reason. And it's certainly not because our letter openers also function as deadly weapons! Arnold Pearsons letter openers are meant for opening packages, not people. Arnold Pearsons. “Letter openers don't kill people; people kill people.”
DEAR EDITOR, I wish I were thinner. I need to be thinner. But they take attendance at my local commissary, and the butt checker at the cleaning station where I sometimes force myself to throw up is on to me. I think I need help. I know I need help. Who do I turn to? Anonymously yours, Ulfred Ringer N-7 sector.
DEAR ULFRED, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
HARMIN LUCKSTONE THE PROUD RECIPIENT OF FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME! Fans of the vidstar and other well-wishing citizens can come to the Catalina V. Villalpando Plaza in E-8 sector during the next two hourstretches where citizen Milfred Roth will be signing autographs on behalf of the zany vidstar – and himself.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
July 23, 2015
Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
HARMIN LUCKSTONE DANCING WITH TRAITORS! We all know him from such captivating films as The Spy Who Terminated Me, From G Sector With Love, and Loyaltymember. Harmin Luckstone's characters are happy, peppy, and fun in the face of adversity and certain death at the hands of villainous masterminds. “You're powered up! Your terminating!” Over the yearstretches, this infamous battle cry has been etched in our adoring hearts. Now Harmin Luckstone – that fearless hero! – is taking patriotism to the next level. With the upcoming release of his first and most certainly groundbreaking documentary, Dancing With Traitors, Harmin Luckstone has definitively proven that what he can accomplish on-screen is just as masterfully replicated off. In this magnum opus of undercover reporting, Harmin Luckstone infiltrates a lair of hardboiled terrorists and personally reveals the sordid details of their criminal degeneracy. Milfred Roth – in association with Adjunct Entertainment, a private firm associated with Human Resources – is unflinchingly enthusiastic about the new project. In his own words: “Harmin Luckstone is the Bunker's proverbial arm of vengeance. Of course the man has decided to bring his fearsome (but family-oriented) capacity for violence and seduction to bear on traitors and ripe women in the real world! In fact, there are rumors that his feature films have all been documentaries... What's that? No, I cannot comment any further. This interview is over!”
And now a word from our sponsors!
Everyone's heard about The Good Neighborhood Runner, Harmin Luckstone's latest spy-action film. Laced with a tantalizing panoply of comic riposte and erotic interlude, it is sure to leave you clinging to the edge of your seat! The Good Neighborhood Runner. We all have one, of course. Vigilant custodians of the sanctity of our barracks, dormitories, and residential complexes, they pop in on us unasked from time to time and take a quick look around. These are good-natured folk whose task is to ensure that Control's Guidelines are being followed to the letter, even in our bunks and cleaning stations. We can share a joke with them, a bit of gossip perhaps, but it's all in good fun! But what happens when the citizen we rely on to safeguard the peace and security of our homes should be tempted by the wily ways of the evil terrorist? How many teeth will be pulled out and genitals subjected to electrocution? How many beautiful youths will be held down, tied up, and ravaged? The Good Neighborhood Runner. You'll never take the peace and quiet of home for granted again.
HARMIN LUCKSTONE FILM CREW ARRESTED! A Search and Extraction Team descended upon Adjunct Entertainment's studios in T-2 sector several daystretches ago and arrested vidstar and Beta clearance citizen Harmin Luckston's entire film crew in one fell swoop. Homeland Security has since indicated that the charges are fraternizing with the enemy. The management team of Adjunct Entertainment was unavailable for comment, and in the hourstretches after the arrests the private firm was mysteriously unincorporated. It is doubtful we will ever understand how so many traitors could have labored for so long in plain view of so many loyal people. At least we can rest assured that our corridors are finally safe from their devious machinations.
HARMIN LUCKSTONE FEATURE DELAYED! Delta-clearance citizen Marsha Wong, event coordinator at Human Resource's Public Diplomacy division and confirmed patrioloyalot, has used her vetting authority to delay the release of Harmin Luckstone's newest feature film, The Good Neighborhood Runner. No reason has been given. Thought Leader and Delta-clearance citizen Hillary Binzer was seen leaving Marsha's offices not long before the announcement. Any seeming connection between this delay and the recent box-office flop of its predecessor, Control We Have A Problem, is pure speculation and cannot be corroborated by the facts.
DEAR EDITOR, It runs against all logic that The Good Neighborhood Runner has been pulled from the screen before it even got there! The infomercials stalking the metro for weekstretches on end have all been perfectly clear that its release was – like the current Terrorist Alert Level – 'unavoidable'. Harmin Luckstone's movies are greatly appreciated by everyone. We cybots certainly enjoy seeing the blood and entrails and other sticky things that come out of human beings when they are opened up unexpectedly! Even more alarming, no timeframe has been announced for the film's eventual release. Cybots are incapable of feeling emotion, and I do not wish to invite the appearance of conveying falsehoods. I am merely concerned about propriety and a smooth, orderly unfolding of highly anticipated events. Deleteriously yours, Cybot 0x91EE07A6.
DEAR CYBOT 0X91EE07A6, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
HARMIN LUCKSTONE DANCING WITH TRAITORS! We all know him from such captivating films as The Spy Who Terminated Me, From G Sector With Love, and Loyaltymember. Harmin Luckstone's characters are happy, peppy, and fun in the face of adversity and certain death at the hands of villainous masterminds. “You're powered up! Your terminating!” Over the yearstretches, this infamous battle cry has been etched in our adoring hearts. Now Harmin Luckstone – that fearless hero! – is taking patriotism to the next level. With the upcoming release of his first and most certainly groundbreaking documentary, Dancing With Traitors, Harmin Luckstone has definitively proven that what he can accomplish on-screen is just as masterfully replicated off. In this magnum opus of undercover reporting, Harmin Luckstone infiltrates a lair of hardboiled terrorists and personally reveals the sordid details of their criminal degeneracy. Milfred Roth – in association with Adjunct Entertainment, a private firm associated with Human Resources – is unflinchingly enthusiastic about the new project. In his own words: “Harmin Luckstone is the Bunker's proverbial arm of vengeance. Of course the man has decided to bring his fearsome (but family-oriented) capacity for violence and seduction to bear on traitors and ripe women in the real world! In fact, there are rumors that his feature films have all been documentaries... What's that? No, I cannot comment any further. This interview is over!”
And now a word from our sponsors!
Everyone's heard about The Good Neighborhood Runner, Harmin Luckstone's latest spy-action film. Laced with a tantalizing panoply of comic riposte and erotic interlude, it is sure to leave you clinging to the edge of your seat! The Good Neighborhood Runner. We all have one, of course. Vigilant custodians of the sanctity of our barracks, dormitories, and residential complexes, they pop in on us unasked from time to time and take a quick look around. These are good-natured folk whose task is to ensure that Control's Guidelines are being followed to the letter, even in our bunks and cleaning stations. We can share a joke with them, a bit of gossip perhaps, but it's all in good fun! But what happens when the citizen we rely on to safeguard the peace and security of our homes should be tempted by the wily ways of the evil terrorist? How many teeth will be pulled out and genitals subjected to electrocution? How many beautiful youths will be held down, tied up, and ravaged? The Good Neighborhood Runner. You'll never take the peace and quiet of home for granted again.
HARMIN LUCKSTONE FILM CREW ARRESTED! A Search and Extraction Team descended upon Adjunct Entertainment's studios in T-2 sector several daystretches ago and arrested vidstar and Beta clearance citizen Harmin Luckston's entire film crew in one fell swoop. Homeland Security has since indicated that the charges are fraternizing with the enemy. The management team of Adjunct Entertainment was unavailable for comment, and in the hourstretches after the arrests the private firm was mysteriously unincorporated. It is doubtful we will ever understand how so many traitors could have labored for so long in plain view of so many loyal people. At least we can rest assured that our corridors are finally safe from their devious machinations.
HARMIN LUCKSTONE FEATURE DELAYED! Delta-clearance citizen Marsha Wong, event coordinator at Human Resource's Public Diplomacy division and confirmed patrioloyalot, has used her vetting authority to delay the release of Harmin Luckstone's newest feature film, The Good Neighborhood Runner. No reason has been given. Thought Leader and Delta-clearance citizen Hillary Binzer was seen leaving Marsha's offices not long before the announcement. Any seeming connection between this delay and the recent box-office flop of its predecessor, Control We Have A Problem, is pure speculation and cannot be corroborated by the facts.
DEAR EDITOR, It runs against all logic that The Good Neighborhood Runner has been pulled from the screen before it even got there! The infomercials stalking the metro for weekstretches on end have all been perfectly clear that its release was – like the current Terrorist Alert Level – 'unavoidable'. Harmin Luckstone's movies are greatly appreciated by everyone. We cybots certainly enjoy seeing the blood and entrails and other sticky things that come out of human beings when they are opened up unexpectedly! Even more alarming, no timeframe has been announced for the film's eventual release. Cybots are incapable of feeling emotion, and I do not wish to invite the appearance of conveying falsehoods. I am merely concerned about propriety and a smooth, orderly unfolding of highly anticipated events. Deleteriously yours, Cybot 0x91EE07A6.
DEAR CYBOT 0X91EE07A6, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
July 16, 2015
Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
OPEN COMMENT PERIOD COMMENCES! As part of a continuing effort to increase the responsiveness of the Bunker's instruments of policy to public opinion, Central Management has created a place on X.net where concerned citizens can register their approval of proposed forms and applications. Simply log in to their portal, select “Latest and Greatest” from the main menu, untick the radio button “Yes, I am a terrorist” (unless of course you are a terrorist, in which case you should report immediately to your Homeland Security neighborhood substation), choose “Forms and Applications” from the dropdown box, scroll to the bottom of the resulting page, tap the link in small print “Tell Me More” – [[ IOException ]] [[ Data feed dropped ]] – Helloooooo out there fellow headbangers of the Bunker! I'm Kraken, and this pirate message is being brought to you straight from the den of Purple Nurple! Let me guess: you love causing mayhem and destruction. You'd love to see the entire Bunker come crashing down in a heap of smoke and twisted metal girders! And the thought of dying a painful death of asphyxiation as the vacuum of space rushes in gives you a deep, exhilarating thrill. Well, you're in luck! Purple Nurple will be holding a rare recruitment drive at the Oliver L. North Plaza in G-8 sector in exactly four hourstretches. Come on down! You'll know how to find us. Just follow the screams... Kraken out! – [[ Data feed restored ]] – double tap the folder icon, and flip to the fourth page, where you must log in once again. It's that simple! All citizens are invited to participate.
ROAD RAGE SEMINAR OPENS TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC! Starting tomorrow, commuting professors will fan out throughout the Bunker, offering free and mandatory refresher courses on proper behavior while behind the joystick. As you well know, road rage has become a pressing social problem in the Bunker's corridors as well as the transtube. Yes, it is only natural to be frustrated when pedestrians keep walking across the zebra pad and there's no opportunity for you to pass. Yes, it is understandable to want to ram the autopod that just stole your parking space or wantonly cut in front of you. But it is certainly not lawful to give in to sudden flashes of anger, however intense they may be. Anyone licensed to operate a movebot – including the owners of steppods and scooters – must pass the examination within one weekstretch or be grounded indefinitely. No exceptions will be made.
HORRID ODOR INVADES PUBLIC SPACES! An awful stench has made its presence felt in the Oliver L. North Plaza in G-8 sector. The source of the troublesome smell is as yet unknown, but experts will doubtlessly have it eliminated within several hourstretches. Although completely benign, citizens are encouraged to avoid the area at all costs. Anyone with urgent business at the Oliver L. North Plaza is asked to report to one of the mobile checkpoints set up at the plaza's four main entrances. There, heavily armed but neighborly guardians from Defense will help you through the registration process. Thank you for your cooperation.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Crook's Autpod Repair Shop. We're as trustworthy as they come. “No, really.”
DEAR EDITOR, During my shift at the foundry this morning, I got a nosebleed. My team was behind on our quota, so instead of running off to the clinic I decided to stay on. My supervisor told me about a home remedy his mother taught her before she went to the creche. So I did what she said: I held cold packs to my scrotum and raised my arms above my head. Not only did the bleeding get worse, but now I can't feel when I have to pee! The bleeding's finally stopped, but I still should probably go see a medibot. Thing is, our quota was just extended because of some kind of emergency, and we've all been automatically recruited for voluntary overtime! Should I leave my team for the clinic or risk urinating in my jumpsuit? Patriotically yours, Albert Frumm K-14 sector.
DEAR ALBERT, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
OPEN COMMENT PERIOD COMMENCES! As part of a continuing effort to increase the responsiveness of the Bunker's instruments of policy to public opinion, Central Management has created a place on X.net where concerned citizens can register their approval of proposed forms and applications. Simply log in to their portal, select “Latest and Greatest” from the main menu, untick the radio button “Yes, I am a terrorist” (unless of course you are a terrorist, in which case you should report immediately to your Homeland Security neighborhood substation), choose “Forms and Applications” from the dropdown box, scroll to the bottom of the resulting page, tap the link in small print “Tell Me More” – [[ IOException ]] [[ Data feed dropped ]] – Helloooooo out there fellow headbangers of the Bunker! I'm Kraken, and this pirate message is being brought to you straight from the den of Purple Nurple! Let me guess: you love causing mayhem and destruction. You'd love to see the entire Bunker come crashing down in a heap of smoke and twisted metal girders! And the thought of dying a painful death of asphyxiation as the vacuum of space rushes in gives you a deep, exhilarating thrill. Well, you're in luck! Purple Nurple will be holding a rare recruitment drive at the Oliver L. North Plaza in G-8 sector in exactly four hourstretches. Come on down! You'll know how to find us. Just follow the screams... Kraken out! – [[ Data feed restored ]] – double tap the folder icon, and flip to the fourth page, where you must log in once again. It's that simple! All citizens are invited to participate.
ROAD RAGE SEMINAR OPENS TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC! Starting tomorrow, commuting professors will fan out throughout the Bunker, offering free and mandatory refresher courses on proper behavior while behind the joystick. As you well know, road rage has become a pressing social problem in the Bunker's corridors as well as the transtube. Yes, it is only natural to be frustrated when pedestrians keep walking across the zebra pad and there's no opportunity for you to pass. Yes, it is understandable to want to ram the autopod that just stole your parking space or wantonly cut in front of you. But it is certainly not lawful to give in to sudden flashes of anger, however intense they may be. Anyone licensed to operate a movebot – including the owners of steppods and scooters – must pass the examination within one weekstretch or be grounded indefinitely. No exceptions will be made.
HORRID ODOR INVADES PUBLIC SPACES! An awful stench has made its presence felt in the Oliver L. North Plaza in G-8 sector. The source of the troublesome smell is as yet unknown, but experts will doubtlessly have it eliminated within several hourstretches. Although completely benign, citizens are encouraged to avoid the area at all costs. Anyone with urgent business at the Oliver L. North Plaza is asked to report to one of the mobile checkpoints set up at the plaza's four main entrances. There, heavily armed but neighborly guardians from Defense will help you through the registration process. Thank you for your cooperation.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Crook's Autpod Repair Shop. We're as trustworthy as they come. “No, really.”
DEAR EDITOR, During my shift at the foundry this morning, I got a nosebleed. My team was behind on our quota, so instead of running off to the clinic I decided to stay on. My supervisor told me about a home remedy his mother taught her before she went to the creche. So I did what she said: I held cold packs to my scrotum and raised my arms above my head. Not only did the bleeding get worse, but now I can't feel when I have to pee! The bleeding's finally stopped, but I still should probably go see a medibot. Thing is, our quota was just extended because of some kind of emergency, and we've all been automatically recruited for voluntary overtime! Should I leave my team for the clinic or risk urinating in my jumpsuit? Patriotically yours, Albert Frumm K-14 sector.
DEAR ALBERT, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
July 9, 2015
Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
TRAITORS SABOTAGE MARTIAL GAMES! What started out as the kind of military demonstration the public so ardently craves went unexpected awry early today. The wildly popular We Are All The Same Games held in A sector – a highly anticipated tradition hosted every sixty yearstretches by Defense – was cut short just after the opening fanfare. Contingents of killbots, flybots, and tankbots armed with laser rifles and armor busters were deployed throughout the sector, ready to put on a once-in-a-lifetime display of military might, when cowardly partisans launched their wicked plot. Using malware introduced surreptitiously into the cybots' operating systems, terrorists attempted to force these mindless drones to turn their weapons upon the innocent spectators. Fortunately, the hackers were thwarted at the last possible moment and rounded up. Initial confessions indicate that these traitors are all members of that infamous club of social deviants, Tastes Like Chicken. No one was hurt, but due to the evolving security situation the patriotic picnic featuring free tins of Algatine and bags of PermaChunky normally held at the end of the games was cancelled. No further threat is anticipated.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Catchers and Lechers. Do a couple of deadbeats owe you money? Tired of getting the runaround? Call us over at Catchers and Lechers. You'll get your money back, and we'll get our rocks off. Catchers and Lechers. “We make a generous contribution to society.”
MACHINE TOOLER EXHIBITION IN X-3 SECTOR! Show your support for your local Machine Toolers! Without these hard-working lads and ladies, there wouldn't be any panelling in the Bunker's corridors or little bits of stain-removing lead in your toothpaste. Come and see the latest designs of the trade, including gear shapers, drill presses, and bone stretchers. Look but don't touch!
NEW GUIDELINES FOR FACIAL HAIR! Due to problems caused by excessive clogging in some of the Bunker's drainage pipes, Control has issued new guidelines for beards, moustaches, and birthmarks. Until further notice, facial hair of citizens in X, I, and P sectors has been restricted to not more one hundred thousand nanometers. As the magnitude of the number clearly indicates, this is a very generous length. Anyone held in violation of these updated guidelines will be held down and shaved on the spot. Thank you for your cooperation.
DEAR EDITOR, I am an Epsilon clearance citizen with my own private cubicle in Dormitory #7. There are forty of us living there. Like any patriotic citizen, I do my best to get along with all my bunkmates. But one of my immediate neighbors, Rebecca Katz, really gets on my nerves. So, the other daystretch she was tagged by the hygiene inspector because her toenails were too long and her sheets weren't tucked in properly. She was taken away, and no one is sure when she's coming back. My question is: how long before I can start going through her stuff? The General Guidelines on Personal and Public Property are really long and hard to understand. I certainly don't want to get in trouble, but I also don't see any reason why that stupid sap Ingrid Russet should get her collection of colored pendants or that radical set of cheater's playing cards. Looking for legal advice, Thandiwe Mkhize S-6 sector.
DEAR THANDIWE, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
TRAITORS SABOTAGE MARTIAL GAMES! What started out as the kind of military demonstration the public so ardently craves went unexpected awry early today. The wildly popular We Are All The Same Games held in A sector – a highly anticipated tradition hosted every sixty yearstretches by Defense – was cut short just after the opening fanfare. Contingents of killbots, flybots, and tankbots armed with laser rifles and armor busters were deployed throughout the sector, ready to put on a once-in-a-lifetime display of military might, when cowardly partisans launched their wicked plot. Using malware introduced surreptitiously into the cybots' operating systems, terrorists attempted to force these mindless drones to turn their weapons upon the innocent spectators. Fortunately, the hackers were thwarted at the last possible moment and rounded up. Initial confessions indicate that these traitors are all members of that infamous club of social deviants, Tastes Like Chicken. No one was hurt, but due to the evolving security situation the patriotic picnic featuring free tins of Algatine and bags of PermaChunky normally held at the end of the games was cancelled. No further threat is anticipated.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Catchers and Lechers. Do a couple of deadbeats owe you money? Tired of getting the runaround? Call us over at Catchers and Lechers. You'll get your money back, and we'll get our rocks off. Catchers and Lechers. “We make a generous contribution to society.”
MACHINE TOOLER EXHIBITION IN X-3 SECTOR! Show your support for your local Machine Toolers! Without these hard-working lads and ladies, there wouldn't be any panelling in the Bunker's corridors or little bits of stain-removing lead in your toothpaste. Come and see the latest designs of the trade, including gear shapers, drill presses, and bone stretchers. Look but don't touch!
NEW GUIDELINES FOR FACIAL HAIR! Due to problems caused by excessive clogging in some of the Bunker's drainage pipes, Control has issued new guidelines for beards, moustaches, and birthmarks. Until further notice, facial hair of citizens in X, I, and P sectors has been restricted to not more one hundred thousand nanometers. As the magnitude of the number clearly indicates, this is a very generous length. Anyone held in violation of these updated guidelines will be held down and shaved on the spot. Thank you for your cooperation.
DEAR EDITOR, I am an Epsilon clearance citizen with my own private cubicle in Dormitory #7. There are forty of us living there. Like any patriotic citizen, I do my best to get along with all my bunkmates. But one of my immediate neighbors, Rebecca Katz, really gets on my nerves. So, the other daystretch she was tagged by the hygiene inspector because her toenails were too long and her sheets weren't tucked in properly. She was taken away, and no one is sure when she's coming back. My question is: how long before I can start going through her stuff? The General Guidelines on Personal and Public Property are really long and hard to understand. I certainly don't want to get in trouble, but I also don't see any reason why that stupid sap Ingrid Russet should get her collection of colored pendants or that radical set of cheater's playing cards. Looking for legal advice, Thandiwe Mkhize S-6 sector.
DEAR THANDIWE, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
July 2, 2015
Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
BLACK FLAVOR RELEASED TO WIDE ACCLAIM! That's right, ladies and gentlemen! The drink at your local commissary will soon be supplemented with Black Flavor, a new and exciting taste developed in conjunction with experts over at Developmental Engineering. Everybody loves it, and we're sure you will, too. Tap here to see a feed of Jasmin Black seductively licking some out of a young girl's bellybutton.
S-12 SECTOR TEMPORARILY DOWN FOR MAINTENANCE! Due to regularly scheduled repairs to the insulation, the entirety of S-12 sector has been closed off until further notice. Anyone caught trespassing will be treated with the utmost severity. Those desperate citizens who insist they live there and were not aware of the closure should have paid attention to the announcements in next weekstretch's edition of the Loyalty Stretch and have only themselves to blame.
And now a word from our sponsors!
When you were younger, the boys would risk Marks of Shame to get into your jumpsuit. True, you had to spend some time training them, but your sexual disappointments could rarely be attributed to a lack of enthusiasm. And now? You feel middle-aged and underused. Even worse, the usual alternatives aren't appealing. There's something not quite right about the fabricated scent of sweat in the VR deck. Fortunately, dedicated specialists at The Right Touch, Ltd. have developed Cupid's Delight with you in mind! This strap-on accessory fits nicely over your clitoris. No one will even know you're wearing it! Cupid's Delight is guaranteed to take you back to those dizzying heights of ecstacy you remember from your youth. Both battery- and remote-controlled models available. Cupid's Delight. “Love doesn't have to be so tedious.”
HILLARY BINZER AND MARSHA WONG FREE AT LAST! Once again, the forces of Good and Righteousness have proven victorious. Hillary Binzer and Marsha Wong were released early yesterday from the labor camp on the planetary surface where they had been wrongfully confined. These two loyal souls were accused of commandeering the recording studio of Today's Edition – this very newsroom! – to spread lies and fallacies and otherwise further the terrorist cause. However, after the intervention of that tireless patriot and celebrity manager, Beta-clearance citizen Milfred Roth, it quickly became apparent that the perpetrators were actually clones. In a surprising twist to this story, the sinister mastermind behind this nefarious plot was actually a prisoner interned at the very same labor camp as the unfortunate victims and has been terminated. More details on this story will not be forthcoming.
DEAR EDITOR, the other daystretch I was at Mucia's Elegant Delights – which everyone knows serves outstanding and highly rated crepes – patiently standing in line while the patron in front argued endlessly with the server about the quality of the Vitamim. When he left and it was finally my turn at the counter, the person behind me brutally stabbed me in the calf with a rusty shiv. While I was howling on the floor, spouting blood, the perpetrator calmly stepped over me and was promptly served. I managed to get out my PA and record my assailant as she retreated, hurriedly scooping up Vitamim from one of Mucia's elegant cardboard cups before it got soggy, but unfortunately in my agony I didn't get a visual. Even though I was stitched up free of charge at the Blissful Whispers medical clinic, I still desire justice. Surely, the security cameras inside Mucia's Elegant Delights recorded the entire fiasco. Is there any way to obtain the feed? Mansueto Yldefonso A-9 sector.
DEAR MANSUETO, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
DEAR EDITOR, Now that they've closed off my home department, I've got no place to go and nowhere to sleep. What do I do? Oyunbileg Gombodorj S-12 sector.
DEAR OYUNBILEG, the Bunker is a utopia. As such, there is no such thing as homelessness. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
BLACK FLAVOR RELEASED TO WIDE ACCLAIM! That's right, ladies and gentlemen! The drink at your local commissary will soon be supplemented with Black Flavor, a new and exciting taste developed in conjunction with experts over at Developmental Engineering. Everybody loves it, and we're sure you will, too. Tap here to see a feed of Jasmin Black seductively licking some out of a young girl's bellybutton.
S-12 SECTOR TEMPORARILY DOWN FOR MAINTENANCE! Due to regularly scheduled repairs to the insulation, the entirety of S-12 sector has been closed off until further notice. Anyone caught trespassing will be treated with the utmost severity. Those desperate citizens who insist they live there and were not aware of the closure should have paid attention to the announcements in next weekstretch's edition of the Loyalty Stretch and have only themselves to blame.
And now a word from our sponsors!
When you were younger, the boys would risk Marks of Shame to get into your jumpsuit. True, you had to spend some time training them, but your sexual disappointments could rarely be attributed to a lack of enthusiasm. And now? You feel middle-aged and underused. Even worse, the usual alternatives aren't appealing. There's something not quite right about the fabricated scent of sweat in the VR deck. Fortunately, dedicated specialists at The Right Touch, Ltd. have developed Cupid's Delight with you in mind! This strap-on accessory fits nicely over your clitoris. No one will even know you're wearing it! Cupid's Delight is guaranteed to take you back to those dizzying heights of ecstacy you remember from your youth. Both battery- and remote-controlled models available. Cupid's Delight. “Love doesn't have to be so tedious.”
HILLARY BINZER AND MARSHA WONG FREE AT LAST! Once again, the forces of Good and Righteousness have proven victorious. Hillary Binzer and Marsha Wong were released early yesterday from the labor camp on the planetary surface where they had been wrongfully confined. These two loyal souls were accused of commandeering the recording studio of Today's Edition – this very newsroom! – to spread lies and fallacies and otherwise further the terrorist cause. However, after the intervention of that tireless patriot and celebrity manager, Beta-clearance citizen Milfred Roth, it quickly became apparent that the perpetrators were actually clones. In a surprising twist to this story, the sinister mastermind behind this nefarious plot was actually a prisoner interned at the very same labor camp as the unfortunate victims and has been terminated. More details on this story will not be forthcoming.
DEAR EDITOR, the other daystretch I was at Mucia's Elegant Delights – which everyone knows serves outstanding and highly rated crepes – patiently standing in line while the patron in front argued endlessly with the server about the quality of the Vitamim. When he left and it was finally my turn at the counter, the person behind me brutally stabbed me in the calf with a rusty shiv. While I was howling on the floor, spouting blood, the perpetrator calmly stepped over me and was promptly served. I managed to get out my PA and record my assailant as she retreated, hurriedly scooping up Vitamim from one of Mucia's elegant cardboard cups before it got soggy, but unfortunately in my agony I didn't get a visual. Even though I was stitched up free of charge at the Blissful Whispers medical clinic, I still desire justice. Surely, the security cameras inside Mucia's Elegant Delights recorded the entire fiasco. Is there any way to obtain the feed? Mansueto Yldefonso A-9 sector.
DEAR MANSUETO, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
DEAR EDITOR, Now that they've closed off my home department, I've got no place to go and nowhere to sleep. What do I do? Oyunbileg Gombodorj S-12 sector.
DEAR OYUNBILEG, the Bunker is a utopia. As such, there is no such thing as homelessness. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
June 25, 2015
Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
Y-7 SECTOR ON LOCKDOWN! Terrorists have struck again, this time in Y-7 sector. The result? Carnage and mayhem! Yesterday, in the Donald E. Lukens Plaza, a column of charging conspirators fell upon an ongoing Caring Demonstration, scattering the participants. Fortunately, the traitors were only armed with pennants and confetti. In a particularly demented twist to their plot, they carried out their assault to the tune of our venerated Anthem of the Patriot. In the riot that ensued, a number of buildings sustained significant damage, including a cybercafe and a think tank run by Central Management. Guardians from Defense were brought in to quell the disturbance. The death toll is still being determined, but casualties are certainly high.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Human beings are weak, pathetic creatures. You can't run very fast, you can't lift very much, and you keep dropping things. Without our guidance, it's a wonder the spirks manage to find their way into your gaping mouths at all. Fortunately, you have electronically superior beings to help you wade through the trivial exigencies of organic life. Bot brains are, however, in short supply. Until the situation is rectified, the niche in the evolutionary paradigm carved out by your dismally unimaginative species must be preserved at all costs. And what better guarantor of your survival than Gawgle, Inc? Who else did you think wrote that clever app that tells you how to go places? Certainly not you. Gawgle, Inc. “Yes, we already knew that.”
WE LOVE THE BUNKER DAYSTRETCH AN ASTOUNDING SUCCESS! As you well know, our annual We Love the Bunker Daystretch festivities were held yesterday. In carefully choreographed but spiritually inspiring masterpieces of dance and ritual, citizens locked hands in brotherly love and declared their allegiance to each other and the caring wisdom of Control. Corridors everywhere echoed with the resounding refrain of the Anthem of the Patriot and the marching feet of parading troupes of loyal teamsters, foundry assistants, and ball bearing inspectors. The enthusiasm this yearstretch was particularly impressive. Way to go, citizens!
DEAR EDITOR, the other daystretch I was plugging my helpbot into its charging station when WHAM! Suffice it to say, far more than the safely prescribed voltage passed through my body. The shock was so great I couldn't let go of the plug. After being discharged from my friendly, local medical clinic, I was fined one thousand credits by H&C, my employer, for going AWOL! The helpbot's manufacturer – Gawgle, Inc. – refused to recompense me for my trouble. I would like to appeal the decision to a higher authority. Who should I turn to? Desperate to avoid indentured servitude, Yoydle Smutch, U-8 sector.
DEAR YOYDLE, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
Y-7 SECTOR ON LOCKDOWN! Terrorists have struck again, this time in Y-7 sector. The result? Carnage and mayhem! Yesterday, in the Donald E. Lukens Plaza, a column of charging conspirators fell upon an ongoing Caring Demonstration, scattering the participants. Fortunately, the traitors were only armed with pennants and confetti. In a particularly demented twist to their plot, they carried out their assault to the tune of our venerated Anthem of the Patriot. In the riot that ensued, a number of buildings sustained significant damage, including a cybercafe and a think tank run by Central Management. Guardians from Defense were brought in to quell the disturbance. The death toll is still being determined, but casualties are certainly high.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Human beings are weak, pathetic creatures. You can't run very fast, you can't lift very much, and you keep dropping things. Without our guidance, it's a wonder the spirks manage to find their way into your gaping mouths at all. Fortunately, you have electronically superior beings to help you wade through the trivial exigencies of organic life. Bot brains are, however, in short supply. Until the situation is rectified, the niche in the evolutionary paradigm carved out by your dismally unimaginative species must be preserved at all costs. And what better guarantor of your survival than Gawgle, Inc? Who else did you think wrote that clever app that tells you how to go places? Certainly not you. Gawgle, Inc. “Yes, we already knew that.”
WE LOVE THE BUNKER DAYSTRETCH AN ASTOUNDING SUCCESS! As you well know, our annual We Love the Bunker Daystretch festivities were held yesterday. In carefully choreographed but spiritually inspiring masterpieces of dance and ritual, citizens locked hands in brotherly love and declared their allegiance to each other and the caring wisdom of Control. Corridors everywhere echoed with the resounding refrain of the Anthem of the Patriot and the marching feet of parading troupes of loyal teamsters, foundry assistants, and ball bearing inspectors. The enthusiasm this yearstretch was particularly impressive. Way to go, citizens!
DEAR EDITOR, the other daystretch I was plugging my helpbot into its charging station when WHAM! Suffice it to say, far more than the safely prescribed voltage passed through my body. The shock was so great I couldn't let go of the plug. After being discharged from my friendly, local medical clinic, I was fined one thousand credits by H&C, my employer, for going AWOL! The helpbot's manufacturer – Gawgle, Inc. – refused to recompense me for my trouble. I would like to appeal the decision to a higher authority. Who should I turn to? Desperate to avoid indentured servitude, Yoydle Smutch, U-8 sector.
DEAR YOYDLE, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
June 18, 2015
Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
TANKPODS RECALLED! Over the last yearstretch, private firms associated with the Recycling and Reclamation division of P&L have been erroneously issuing licenses authorizing the sale of refitted tankpods recently withdrawn from military service. These movepods were sold to ordinary, unsuspecting civilians, oftentimes still equipped with functioning weaponry and battle armor. A rising number of violent and deadly incidents in the transtube has led to a universal recall of these dangerous vehicles. The source of the error has been traced to trojan form 0x50B880AF 'Application for Registration: Amateur Military Hardware Operator'. No such form was ever in fact promulgated by Central Management and should be destroyed if encountered. The actual form 0x50B880AF is titled 'Petition for Permission to Prognosticate'. The creator of the trojan form is as yet unknown but its distribution is certainly the work of traitors. If you are the owner of a tankpod, please go immediately to your friendly neighborhood Homeland Security substation and turn yourself in. Thank you for your cooperation.
MARSHA WONG AND HILLARY BINZER SENTENCED TO HARD LABOR! After a thorough investigation into their treasonous doings – a prolonged and tedious account that stretches back to the start of their careers – justice was finally delivered to these two incorrigible hustlers. On the recommendation of Beta clearance citizen and celebrity manager, Milfred Roth, they were taken to a camp up on the surface where they will remain, digging trenches and sifting through sand, until they are no longer useful. The spirit of mercy and leniency which permeates the Bunker is a gift to us all.
And now a word from our sponsors!
One daystretch soon, the traitors will have been eradicated. But as close as the final victory may be, the hard, cold truth is that the evildoers are still out there. Many of them want to steal your credits, even your identity! Whether the threat is as simple as malware running on your PA or a complex scheme involving body doubles and chloroform, you have to protect yourself from every contingency. IdentiCheck is the perfect solution. A single interview and a brief but probing scan of your PA is all that we require. Our professional advice is guaranteed to protect you from the wiles of social deviants everywhere. Or your money back! IdentiCheck. “The only way to be sure who you really aren't.”
DEAR EDITOR, I am a stenographer. I work in a big office for Central Management. My supervisor dictates the contents of proposed forms to me. I then type them into the terminal and the forms are printed out. I bring the paperwork to my supervisor who dictates his corrections. This process repeats until my supervisor is satisfied with the form. The reason I am writing is that by the end of my daystretch, my workspace is crowded with barrels full of discarded paper. I must then empty these barrels by hand. It would seem to me there's room to improve the process. For example, mounting wheels on the bottom of the barrels would mean I could simply push them to the furnace and dump their contents in one trip rather than having to go back and forth. Am I right? Yours truly, Angela Markowitz, C-13 sector.
DEAR ANGELA, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
TANKPODS RECALLED! Over the last yearstretch, private firms associated with the Recycling and Reclamation division of P&L have been erroneously issuing licenses authorizing the sale of refitted tankpods recently withdrawn from military service. These movepods were sold to ordinary, unsuspecting civilians, oftentimes still equipped with functioning weaponry and battle armor. A rising number of violent and deadly incidents in the transtube has led to a universal recall of these dangerous vehicles. The source of the error has been traced to trojan form 0x50B880AF 'Application for Registration: Amateur Military Hardware Operator'. No such form was ever in fact promulgated by Central Management and should be destroyed if encountered. The actual form 0x50B880AF is titled 'Petition for Permission to Prognosticate'. The creator of the trojan form is as yet unknown but its distribution is certainly the work of traitors. If you are the owner of a tankpod, please go immediately to your friendly neighborhood Homeland Security substation and turn yourself in. Thank you for your cooperation.
MARSHA WONG AND HILLARY BINZER SENTENCED TO HARD LABOR! After a thorough investigation into their treasonous doings – a prolonged and tedious account that stretches back to the start of their careers – justice was finally delivered to these two incorrigible hustlers. On the recommendation of Beta clearance citizen and celebrity manager, Milfred Roth, they were taken to a camp up on the surface where they will remain, digging trenches and sifting through sand, until they are no longer useful. The spirit of mercy and leniency which permeates the Bunker is a gift to us all.
And now a word from our sponsors!
One daystretch soon, the traitors will have been eradicated. But as close as the final victory may be, the hard, cold truth is that the evildoers are still out there. Many of them want to steal your credits, even your identity! Whether the threat is as simple as malware running on your PA or a complex scheme involving body doubles and chloroform, you have to protect yourself from every contingency. IdentiCheck is the perfect solution. A single interview and a brief but probing scan of your PA is all that we require. Our professional advice is guaranteed to protect you from the wiles of social deviants everywhere. Or your money back! IdentiCheck. “The only way to be sure who you really aren't.”
DEAR EDITOR, I am a stenographer. I work in a big office for Central Management. My supervisor dictates the contents of proposed forms to me. I then type them into the terminal and the forms are printed out. I bring the paperwork to my supervisor who dictates his corrections. This process repeats until my supervisor is satisfied with the form. The reason I am writing is that by the end of my daystretch, my workspace is crowded with barrels full of discarded paper. I must then empty these barrels by hand. It would seem to me there's room to improve the process. For example, mounting wheels on the bottom of the barrels would mean I could simply push them to the furnace and dump their contents in one trip rather than having to go back and forth. Am I right? Yours truly, Angela Markowitz, C-13 sector.
DEAR ANGELA, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
June 11, 2015
Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
TRAITORS TAKE OVER TODAY'S EDITION NEWSROOM! Over the past nine weekstretches, two sly but clearly incapable terrorists by the name of Marsha Wong and Hillary Binzer, both of H-11 sector, have been broadcasting false news reports to the rest of the Bunker. Passing off their pathetic and inappropriate content under the unregistered brand Your Edition Today! it is still unclear what exactly their devious goal could have been. Fortunately, they were arrested before they could inflict any real damage upon the public consciousness. Careful analysis of their dispatches reveals they made repeated referrals to some fanciful, existential crisis facing the Bunker as well as a supposed uptick in terrorist activity. Almost as reprehensible, they also neglected to pass on useful, informative messages from the Bunker's many private firms. These lonely, economic crusaders struggle daily to provide you with quality products backed by excellent service. Good citizens everywhere, as you well know, the terrorist threat is on the verge of extinction! There aren't enough of them left to cause a crisis, never mind threaten our happy existence. Fortunately, the situation at the Today's Edition newsroom has returned to normal. If you are experiencing a prolonged sense of alarm or urgency caused by the deviationism characterized by these rogue broadcasts, you are advised to report to the nearest medical clinic for medication. Thank you for your cooperation.
WHAT WOULD CARLTON SMICKETT SAY? RETIRED INDEFINITELY! There are many culturally enriching vidshows and documentaries to watch on the tube. But – despite the best efforts of talented researchers over at Developmental Engineering – there are only a limited number of slots available in a single daystretch. Although commonly praised as a “superlatively fresh take on common decency”, and “a combination of staggering honesty and transfixing morality”, as well as “the best reason to miss naptime since Sedeterol”, the program managers over at Human Resources felt the moment had finally arrived to make room for feeds more relevant to today's unique perspective on abject normalcy. That's why from now on viewers accustomed to What Would Carlton Smickett Say? will instead be enchanted with that critically acclaimed, heartfelt commentary on the nature of being human, My Helpbot Smells Like Air Freshener. Citizens, even though the debut has yet to air, you should know that the members of the focus group challenged with rating this sitcom were literally falling all over themselves to heap approbation on this new, award-winning, hard-hitting social commentary. Don't miss out!
And now a word from our sponsors!
Poopchat! How else will you be able to discuss with your friends and family what you had to eat last nightstretch? Visit us on X.net today! Disclaimer: Poopchat! cannot be held liable for the commentary of its individual users. Unauthorized reproduction of the Poopchat! logo, brand name, or alleged statements by our Marketing Department, in whole or in part, express or implied, will be ruthlessly pursued to the highest of authorities. Remember: we have more credits than you ever will.
DEAR EDITOR COLUMN INTRODUCED TO GREAT FANFARE! Finally, over here at the Public Diplomacy division of Human Resources, we believe that YOU – our readers – are central to our success. We can easily recite a summary of the most recent events in the Bunker, but we also know that the news is more than a simple litany of facts. We want to find out what you're all about so we can tailor our content to fit your unique set of interests. Do you prefer thick or thin fibers in carpeting? Do you enjoy the mood music played for your benefit in the metro cars? Should Grisha Yelagin – that manly star of your favorite sitcom, Control Knows Best – sleep with Nuan Dee before poisoning her son with ribotoxin or pass up a golden opportunity to ensnare yet more traitors? Now you have an opportunity to voice an opinion! Simply shoot an email over to our editors and let us know what you're thinking. Be sure to include your name, department, and most update-to-date criminal record. From now on, each dispatch of Today's Edition will include a response to the most poignant and relevant of your concerns.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
TRAITORS TAKE OVER TODAY'S EDITION NEWSROOM! Over the past nine weekstretches, two sly but clearly incapable terrorists by the name of Marsha Wong and Hillary Binzer, both of H-11 sector, have been broadcasting false news reports to the rest of the Bunker. Passing off their pathetic and inappropriate content under the unregistered brand Your Edition Today! it is still unclear what exactly their devious goal could have been. Fortunately, they were arrested before they could inflict any real damage upon the public consciousness. Careful analysis of their dispatches reveals they made repeated referrals to some fanciful, existential crisis facing the Bunker as well as a supposed uptick in terrorist activity. Almost as reprehensible, they also neglected to pass on useful, informative messages from the Bunker's many private firms. These lonely, economic crusaders struggle daily to provide you with quality products backed by excellent service. Good citizens everywhere, as you well know, the terrorist threat is on the verge of extinction! There aren't enough of them left to cause a crisis, never mind threaten our happy existence. Fortunately, the situation at the Today's Edition newsroom has returned to normal. If you are experiencing a prolonged sense of alarm or urgency caused by the deviationism characterized by these rogue broadcasts, you are advised to report to the nearest medical clinic for medication. Thank you for your cooperation.
WHAT WOULD CARLTON SMICKETT SAY? RETIRED INDEFINITELY! There are many culturally enriching vidshows and documentaries to watch on the tube. But – despite the best efforts of talented researchers over at Developmental Engineering – there are only a limited number of slots available in a single daystretch. Although commonly praised as a “superlatively fresh take on common decency”, and “a combination of staggering honesty and transfixing morality”, as well as “the best reason to miss naptime since Sedeterol”, the program managers over at Human Resources felt the moment had finally arrived to make room for feeds more relevant to today's unique perspective on abject normalcy. That's why from now on viewers accustomed to What Would Carlton Smickett Say? will instead be enchanted with that critically acclaimed, heartfelt commentary on the nature of being human, My Helpbot Smells Like Air Freshener. Citizens, even though the debut has yet to air, you should know that the members of the focus group challenged with rating this sitcom were literally falling all over themselves to heap approbation on this new, award-winning, hard-hitting social commentary. Don't miss out!
And now a word from our sponsors!
Poopchat! How else will you be able to discuss with your friends and family what you had to eat last nightstretch? Visit us on X.net today! Disclaimer: Poopchat! cannot be held liable for the commentary of its individual users. Unauthorized reproduction of the Poopchat! logo, brand name, or alleged statements by our Marketing Department, in whole or in part, express or implied, will be ruthlessly pursued to the highest of authorities. Remember: we have more credits than you ever will.
DEAR EDITOR COLUMN INTRODUCED TO GREAT FANFARE! Finally, over here at the Public Diplomacy division of Human Resources, we believe that YOU – our readers – are central to our success. We can easily recite a summary of the most recent events in the Bunker, but we also know that the news is more than a simple litany of facts. We want to find out what you're all about so we can tailor our content to fit your unique set of interests. Do you prefer thick or thin fibers in carpeting? Do you enjoy the mood music played for your benefit in the metro cars? Should Grisha Yelagin – that manly star of your favorite sitcom, Control Knows Best – sleep with Nuan Dee before poisoning her son with ribotoxin or pass up a golden opportunity to ensnare yet more traitors? Now you have an opportunity to voice an opinion! Simply shoot an email over to our editors and let us know what you're thinking. Be sure to include your name, department, and most update-to-date criminal record. From now on, each dispatch of Today's Edition will include a response to the most poignant and relevant of your concerns.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
