Maude Mayes's Blog: Secrets of a Successful Relationship Revealed, page 66

The Astonishing Benefit of Being Alone in a Relationship

MAUDE: The other day, Phil went down to LAX to meet with his sister, who was traveling through LA on her way back to the UK. In talking afterward, I shared that it was really a different and very pleasurable experience to be alone in the house all day. This was no reflection on how great it is to have Phil around. He and I are lucky to have a large space and often are in different parts of the house for hours at a time. Rather, it was a comment on today’s blog topic: we all need time alone with ourselves.

Just as it is important to have new experiences within relationships, it is just as important to have new experiences with yourself; to explore, check in, play and refresh. This gives you energy and makes it all the more possible to be with others; to be deeply in relationship and to bring more of yourself to the table. It’s not just the process of getting to know yourself, but is also about experiencing yourself.

There is a peace and sense of calm you can acquire by spending time with yourself, that cannot be replaced by any other kind of activity. For me, it is critical to my sense of well being. And yet often, people do not give enough time or recognition to this part of life.

When this kind of self relating doesn’t occur or happens too infrequently, resentment often builds up that causes potential estrangements and distance in a relationship. One or the other partner may start to feel claustrophobic and feel they need breathing room. This can lead to the misinterpretation that the relationship is suffocating or infringing on too much personal space.

There is an easy solution, and one which should be created long before either partner gets to this point. Just as it is important to make sure you create time to really be with each other, it is just as important to build in time alone. Time that is pleasurable. Time that is reflective. Time that brings you closer to your true self.

In our interviews with couples, this is often cited as an area that is important to the success of a relationship. Each partnership (or any relationship, for that matter) must find a balance that is right for them.

Even in a very tiny shared living space, people have found ways to create a small area they can have for themselves and where they can be alone.

I once lived in a small two bedroom apartment, where one bedroom was occupied by my oldest child and the other was shared with me, my husband and our youngest child. I purchased a very large old oak desk and by setting it up in a corner and pushing it out from the wall, I created a space that was walled off from view and allowed privacy within the small space.

This same important factor is the reason for some couples, who are very much together, to live apart. They either move back and forth from one home to the other or meet to come together in one of the abodes. One long term couple we interviewed chose this style of being together for this very reason. They both have the need to have space for themselves and to be alone in it. They take care to create many wonderful experiences together, come together in the evenings and travel away one day every two weeks together.

Of course, you do not need to remain indoors either. Getting out into nature is a wonderful way to spend time alone, and to feel the connection we all have to the greater whole. I always return from these forays full of energy and love to share.

If you take care of yourself and take time to explore yourself, you will be able to relate more lovingly and be more available in all your relationships.

You acquire peace and a sense of calm from spending time with yourself #peace #quote #relationships
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PHIL: I drove down to LAX to spend the day with my sister who was returning home through L.A. When I got back, Maude described how different it felt to be in the house alone, even though when we’re both home, we are often in separate rooms for hours at a time. I’ve had the same sense when Maude has been away taking care of the grandchildren for the weekend.

Solitude. I need it. I crave it. I am revived by it, especially in nature. I’m an introvert, and maybe other people have completely different responses.

I have two contradictory descriptions. I lose myself through the connection with everything else in the world. I also find myself because, being removed from other people, I no longer comport myself to fit in. (If you don’t think you do this, you haven’t looked closely enough.)

The apparent contradiction of losing vs. finding is because there are two different relations: one with the world, and one with other people. They both involve identity: how I see and feel about myself. Solitude is a way that I connect with my deep self and can bring that back into my relationship and society.

Like I said, I’m an introvert and you may have an entirely different balance with other people. One of the delightful aspects of Maude is that she understands and has this exact same joy about solitude. In her first marriage, she and her husband often happily spent months apart. Taking space in this way allows us to move between being together and being apart with no effort, no friction. We do this so easily because the sense of connection between us is never broken, and so never needs to be repaired. This is easy because we both feel complete in ourselves, and being together adds to us, rather than completes us. The companionship, sex and support are bonuses, not entitlements.

Many people, especially younger people, enter into a relationship expecting it to fill some deep need; not surprising because they have only just left home where they were supported throughout childhood. You have to fill that yourself through knowing yourself, and only in the silence of solitude can you hear your own voice.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

This week, we wrote that it’s important to know that all relationships matter. Here are some articles to different aspects of that topic.

How to Live in Peace WikiHow is a collaborative site like wikipedia that, despite its appearance, often has very good peer-reviewed articles. “Living in peace is about living harmoniously with yourself, others, and all sentient beings around you. While you will find your own meanings of peaceful existence and outward manifestations of a peaceful life according to your beliefs and lifestyle, there are some basics underpinning living in peace that cannot be overlooked, such as being non-violent, being tolerant, holding moderate views, and celebrating wondrous-life.”

The Power of Influence “Control over our lives is something we all want. But in a universe in which everything is mutually interdependent, none of us has absolute control over anything including, much of the time, ourselves. Rather, what we all have in abundance is influence, the power of which seems to function linearly: the closer personally and physically others are to us, the greater our influence over them, and vice versa.”

5 Easy Ways You Can Create World Peace “[W]hy should the noise from some misguided souls get to determine your worldview? The time has come for the rest of us—who are committed to creating a peaceful world—to make some noise. The message of non-violence can be lived and demonstrated through our presence and actions. It’s easy for the mind to get fixated on negative news; but in reality acts of love, kindness and generosity far exceed acts borne of misunderstanding and distrust.”

It’s Important to Know That All Relationships Matter

One reader’s comment to our blog recently was “Every relationship matters.” This is really what it all comes down to. There is an important link between our relationship with ourselves, our relationship with our partner, and our relationships to all others.

There is also great power to affect the world through the actions we share with our partners and intimate relationships. Maude had a conversation with a friend who was recounting a couple she knows that are so loving with each other that she said of them “They are an incredible couple and it rubs off on everyone around them!”

We often speak of couples relationships and how you can live in true peace and love within these relationships. At the core of that experience is how this can change not only your own experience but the world we live in. We can spread peace one relationship at a time by being living examples of what peace is, and how it is shared through relationships.

Learning to honor and respect the individuality of our partners and intimates teaches us to understand that we can celebrate difference, that it enriches our experiences and does not threaten or diminish us. In the greater context of society, this is expressed in an understanding of our commonality rather than our difference. Peace blossoms from the acceptance of the balance between the individual and the society, and this comes from the understanding that society is nothing more nor less than a collection of relationships with known and unknown persons. This balance arises from our mutual connection, from the deepest understanding that we are all related, and that the actions of the one, affect the whole.

Spread peace one relationship at a time by being living examples of peace in your relationships
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Western culture has a strong focus on the individual, and nowhere more so than in America. We end up seeing ourselves as separate, and hence alone, and hence lonely. The cure for that is connection, and it is much easier to let that happen when you admit the idea we are also all connected. Yes, also, because both things are true at once. We are uncomfortable holding these two contradictory positions because the mind wants to fit everything into separate boxes, but we are inextricably connected to our family by DNA; to each other by sharing, caring and working together; and to the world with every breath, taking oxygen and giving carbon dioxide.

Think of these as the answers to two different questions: who are we and what are we. Think also of these as two different ways of looking: do you see differences or do you see similarities? Both exist, but relationships are about what you have in common. When you start seeing people, whether your partner or a stranger, in those terms, then you can be a part of healing the divisions in the world.

As you work on your known relationships and become more and more conscious of living in love and peace, you become, in a very real sense, an agent for peace in the world.

“You think you are working on yourself and your relationship, and indeed you are. But there is another unexpected component that arises from this work. Practicing peace in your relationship has results that affect more than just the two of you. Firstly, it influences other people by example. Secondly, you start treating others the same way. It ripples out into the world and, by showing what is possible, inspires people to be their best. The direct experience of peace, and the calm yet ecstatic sense of joy and love that arise from this state, is catching and very powerful. Let’s go forth and change the world!” How Two: Have a Successful Relationship

So we ask you to join us in practicing peace in your relationships. Every relationship matters!

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

This week, we blogged about how to practice peace within your relationships. Here are some articles with thoughts on peace and relationships.

How to Attract Peaceful & Nurturing Relationships “I used to think relationships had to always be hard. Full of strife, jealousy and distrust. Subject to harsh words, crossing the line, anger and resentment. And I found myself in relationship after relationship, whether friendship or romantic, that only confirmed this. I was convinced I would always have to either suffer in silence or fight for myself. Fight to be heard, fight to escape control, fight to be seen for who I am…. I wanted peace. I wanted understanding. I wanted my relationships to feel calm, nurturing and, most of all, respectful.”

Love Relationships Are a Pocket of Peace “Finding, developing and securing a real partnership is one of the most fundamental endeavors in life. According to Paul C. Brunson, matchmaking guru and bestselling author of It’s Complicated (But Doesn’t Have to Be), creating a fulfilling bond is not so much about the quantity of the relationship as it is about the quality: ‘There is an over-emphasis on the length of a relationship being the most important metric of success,’ he states, adding eloquently, ‘The quintessential measure of success of any true relationship is the amount of selflessness each party has contributed.'”

“Emotions are often compared to storms and fire: They are unstable, intense states that signify passionate excitement and agitation. This characterization also prevails in descriptions of romantic love. We think ideal love consists of constant excitement and uncompromising emotions, that love knows no varying degrees and never has to compromise. The above characterizations are essentially true concerning a specific type of emotions—intense, focused emotions, which typically last for a brief period. Change cannot persist for long; the human system soon accepts the change as a normal, stable situation and adjusts. But there are also enduring emotions, which can continue for a lifetime.”

How to Practice Peace Within Your Relationships

Photo by Andy Samarasena, Studio SB Photography

How can we practice peace within our relationships? Delve into this question with us through these excerpts from How Two: Have a Successful Relationship:

One of the most surprising aspects of our relationship is the direct experience of peace that it engenders. This follows naturally from the alternatives to conflict that we practice. For us, peace is not a void described by the absence of conflict, anger or war. Peace is an actual experience. It is filled with calm, assurance of goodness, acute awareness of presence, acceptance of what is, joy, and overflowing love. It is both intense passionate happiness and quiet, rock-solid reassurance. Peace permeates all of our interactions and is our underpinning, our foundation. We are convinced that this knowledge and the direct experience of actual peace can be available in every relationship.

Peace Through Acceptance

One of the keys to knowing true peace within your relationship is practicing acceptance. This occurs when neither of you participates in the one-upmanship of power struggles or the insistence on being right. When you truly accept your partner, you are not busy trying to make them someone else.

Practicing this kind of acceptance eliminates the root of much of the conflict and alienation people have in their relationships. Instead, it leads to a state of peace that cannot really be imagined before experiencing it. The kind of calm and relaxation that emerges when you do not feel the need to defend or protect your person is filled with joy and creative power.

Peace Through Individuality

The same is true when you truly honor the individuality of your partner. It is surprising and very revealing to see how much of a challenge it can be to recognize that, no matter how much you and your partner share core values, you are still distinctly different and completely unique individuals. When you treat your partner’s views and feelings as having as much validity as your own, you offer a place where they can exist in comfort: they do not have to bend down because the ceiling is too low; they need not avoid the side of the couch where the springs stick out; they don’t need to step outside to stretch. There is no need to find a more comfortable abode.

It requires a secure sense of your own individuality to take the leap of accepting your partner as a separate individual, and to understand that this strengthens your union and doesn’t challenge it. When you not only recognize this, but also value and rejoice in this separateness and difference, you are creating that free and undefended state in both yourself and your partner that is so necessary for peace to exist.

Peace Through Presence

Our dissatisfactions rarely arise from what is in front of us. Instead, our past learning and our future fears intrude to disturb our peace. Our knowledge of the world takes two forms: ideas in the mind, and what we know from direct experience. Being present is a way to see that these intrusions do not exist in the world, but only in our mind. When we can see the world for how it is, we can act accordingly.

When you take this approach, you are not plagued by worries and creations of the mind. You do not see your partner in terms of the past, and you are not projecting about how they might behave; consequently, you are in an undefended state and have the opportunity to share experiences in the moment, and through these experiences, a mutual reality.

When you and your partner are truly present with each other, you both feel heard and seen. You share yourselves intimately and appreciate the other. Out of this arises a feeling of connectedness that gives you a deep-seated experience of peacefulness, relaxation and joy which can permeate your whole day.

Your Goals May Reach Further Than You Think

You think you are working on yourself and your relationship, and indeed you are. But there is another unexpected component that arises from this work. Practicing peace in your relationship has results that affect more than just the two of you. Firstly, it influences other people by example. Secondly, you start treating others the same way. It ripples out into the world and, by showing what is possible, inspires people to be their best. The direct experience of peace, and the calm yet ecstatic sense of joy and love that arise from this state, is catching and very powerful. Let’s go forth and change the world!

The above is from our book How Two: Have a Successful Relationship. We’d like to close with our vision statement:

1. Loving peaceful relationships exist. We have one.

2. Peace is a tangible reality. It can be experienced and spread.

3. Our vision is to share how people can relate to each other peacefully.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we wrote about why relationships need attention to be successful. These articles say the same thing in various ways: anecdotally, analytically and with humor.

Attention Is the Most Basic Form of Love “One of the most common relationship concerns we have found in our Marriage Checkup study is that partners stop paying attention to each other in the struggle to accomplish the myriad demands of the day. We are all, so many of us, so monstrously busy on a day-to-day basis that we practically tremble under the strain of it all…. And then, finally, sometimes, through the fog, we catch a glimmer. My wife. My husband. Our marriage.”

Want to Improve Your Relationship? Start Paying More Attention to Bids “I realized how much I’d asked him to change for our relationship, without being willing to put in the work myself. And I knew this was the work. The paying attention, the asking questions, the listening. I knew this because of innovative research conducted by John Gottman… What separates the relationship masters from the relationship disasters?”

Is Your Relationship a Priority? “I’ve been thinking lately about what commonly brings couples into my office. It’s not only infidelity, but it is cheating. It’s not just escalating conflict, though it does become escalated. What many of the couples I see have in common is that they fail to do one crucial thing that erodes their bond of connection over time and causes their partner to lose confidence in them. They don’t make the relationship a priority.”

Why Relationships Need Attention to be Successful

PHIL: Recently, a dear friend told us a dating story. They met, and after he had talked for 45 minutes straight, she gently asked “Would you like to know what I do for a living?” We told this story the other day to a woman we met at a book signing, who burst out with a litany of similar tales. Stories of men like this abound, but there are self-absorbed women, too.

So this week we thought we’d give our take on relationships in general – dates, friends, acquaintances – and the parallels with how we relate to each other. There are so many different kinds of sharing. The date first mentioned might have been lamenting a decade of misfortunes, laying out his hopes and desires, or advertising himself to cover up his weaknesses, but whatever his story, it was all about him. There was no sense of being with someone else.

One aspect of sharing is a sense of recognition, that there is another person out there just like you, just as complex and unique and autonomous as you are, but at the same time different in so many ways.

I suppose it’s possible to be in a relationship with a power imbalance, either by agreement (not necessarily even conscious) as to who is dominant and who is sub-dominant or because of frequent or constant power struggles. That’s not our choice, and if you choose and enjoy it, more power to you, but if you don’t, then you should settle for no less than a balanced relationship.

If that sounds impossible or unattainable, it’s not. By understanding the golden rule, do as you would be done by, you can have complete control, choice and autonomy over your life at the small, small, bargain price of granting the same to your partner. Of course, that’s only possible when you have complete trust in your partner, and that takes time and experience. To move toward that point, you need to be as open as possible, and this leads me to the next aspect of sharing: openness.

We all have a public persona. It has several purposes: to conceal our weaknesses, real or perceived, from public view, and to act as a social lubricant.

Intimacy comes from the progressive discarding of that persona, layer by layer, as trust develops. But you have to know yourself to show yourself, and that requires careful self-observation. Sometimes, sharing and self-discovery go hand-in-hand.

People vary in their levels of intimacy, need for intimacy and rate of opening up. A match is good, but remember: accept other peoples’ differences.

The last aspect of sharing is being present. Yes, you’ve heard it before, Ram Dass, Eckhart Tolle, yada, yada, yada, but practice it in the context of a relationship.

Pay attention both to how you are and how your partner is, and even more than that, pay attention to the relationship itself. It exists, not as a third material object, but as something you experience, as invisible as the force that swings the moon around the earth.

Every relationship has its own quality. When you’re spending time with John, it’s not the same as when you’re hanging out with Fred. Appreciate the quality of being with your partner. Be aware of that. Be present with it.

Be present. Pay attention to how you are, how your partner is, and to the relationship itself #quote
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MAUDE: I was talking with a dear friend about our blogs and she asked if we would explain how our writing applies to all relationships, most particularly to starting a romantic relationship.

As spreading peace one relationship at a time is our answer to changing the world, this is a real question to reflect on. We think the basic understandings and principles we share can be applied to all relationships, and that you can use them to build new partnerships, as well as for deepening and vivifying long term ones. Several of our readers have commented that they use many of these concepts and apply them to their relationship with themselves.

As we were reflecting and discussing this, a story came up that a friend shared with us this week. Our friend told us of having gone on a first date (through internet dating), and that the guy spoke for 45 minutes continuously about himself. After this time, she smiled and asked, “Would you like to know what I do to earn my living?” He had not asked one question or found out anything about her!

I have a similar story from the night Phil and I met. We were at a singles event, where you were supplied with a question to ask each other to get the conversation rolling. I spoke with three different men, and in each case came away knowing quite a bit about them, although they asked me next to nothing about myself, nor seemed to have any interest in finding out.

Why am I mentioning those events here? Because they bring up some of the really important aspects of successful relating. Let’s take a look at some of the behaviors that apply to building and maintaining relationships.

If you are going to connect with someone, you have to be interested in them. You have to be aware of them and not just be functioning in your own mind and thoughts. You have to be willing to share yourself authentically, and at the same time, you need to learn how to listen and communicate with another in a way that best creates the kind of give and take that builds knowledge of each other.

Through these kinds of exchanges, you come to know the other. You can learn their core values and assess if they match yours or not. To practice the kind of relating we describe, it is necessary that they match. Of course, to know if they do, you need to truly know what yours are. Hence our emphasis on getting to know yourself and how important that is to creating and maintaining relationships.

We have shared many techniques of listening and speaking that support achieving and maintaining this kind of intimacy. For us, one of the most critical is what we refer to as Sacred Space. The central aspect of this kind of sharing is being present. In any relationship, there has to be time set aside that is just for that relationship; for experiencing life together. There has to be time where you are doing nothing but sharing your connection with each other, and your attention is on that connection in whatever it is you are doing.

This cannot be maintained if it is only a memory, a sense of connection from the past. This kind of intimacy must be fed by new experiences together. Stay awake and alert to each other, whether this is a new or long term union. Make sure that there are times where all that is happening is that you are enjoying the pleasures of being together. Of all the practices and techniques you may incorporate, this is the one that will make your relationship last, and it applies to all relationships. The dormouse said, “Feed your head!” We say “Feed your relationship!”

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we wrote about why peace is so important in your relationship. The following articles discuss having an intention toward peace.

Pursue Peace, Even If It Means Losing Relationships “After much practice and numerous failed attempts to voice those needs, I’ve also become bolder in my requests, which makes me feel simultaneously uncomfortable and empowered. One of the life lessons that is wound up in this season of life is that I need peace. Not the semblance of peace, or the absence of conflict, but the actual peace that comes from a series of choices that produces it.”

5 Ways To Create More Harmony In Your Relationships “If you want to create more peace in your relationships, it starts with your relationship with yourself. The relationship of your dreams, where there’s authentic connection and you feel loved, accepted, and honored just as you are is completely possible when you realize that it starts with YOU. The thought patterns and limiting beliefs that keep you from truly opening to the potential for an expansive, fulfilling, and connected partnership are nothing more than mental habits.”

The Heart’s Intention “Setting intention, at least according to Buddhist teachings, is quite different than goal making. It is not oriented toward a future outcome. Instead, it is a path or practice that is focused on how you are “being” in the present moment. Your attention is on the everpresent “now” in the constantly changing flow of life. You set your intentions based on understanding what matters most to you and make a commitment to align your worldly actions with your inner values.”

Why Peace is so Important in Your Relationship

We all desire peaceful loving relationships. Last night affirmed that for us again!

We had the pleasure of doing a joint reading and book signing at our wonderful local bookstore, Chaucer’s. This was another opportunity to experience directly how much people respond to the information that peaceful loving relationships are possible, that conflict within a relationship is not inevitable, and that we can change the world by spreading peace one relationship at a time. There was almost a sigh from the audience as we described our peaceful relationship. We felt a sense of such a strong yearning for that, even in the face of disbelief. We are sure that people don’t want to be arguing and fighting.

You can build peace into your relationship, whether you are just starting one or if you have been in one for a longer time.

Intention is a prerequisite. You have to want this type of relating, acknowledge this intention to yourself and to your partner, and gather the tools to imbue your relationships with the characteristics of peace and the awareness of being on the same side. In our blogs and books, we share with you just these kinds of tools.

Peaceful loving relationships are possible; conflict within a relationship is not inevitable #peace
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One story that circulates in society is of Nature, red in tooth and claw, and this attitude is implicit in the ideas of competition and the free market. Yet this ignores the reality that humans are cooperative animals; none of us is able to survive alone. Working together is the water we swim in; it is so natural and ubiquitous that we seldom see it, and more often, only competition is visible. Yet look inside yourself; do you want peace or do you want to fight? If you want to fight, stop reading, go down to your local bar and start an argument. To those of you still reading, we say welcome. It takes two to tangle, so if your partner tries to fight, find that place of peace, be like the water and flow effortlessly.

The quote about Nature red in tooth and claw is from Tennyson, who contrasts it with love. Although we are animals in the “animal, vegetable, mineral” sense, we are also more. To call someone an animal is to say they are missing some essential human quality. We have moved on from our animal roots, whether you take that to mean a species that exists by cooperation or one that is evolving in a spiritual sense. In either view, we have the capacity to live peacefully.

If you have been in a relationship for a longer time, it is very vivifying to reiterate out loud to each other that this is your true intent and desire. If you are not feeling it in how you both live your daily lives together, go back and remember that this is what you want, that it can and does exist, and that if you both want it, you can find it together.

Another important component to this experience is that once you believe it is possible, and know how to practice this process, you will still need to apply intention. It is your intention toward peaceful relating that will open the door for you and allow you to walk down this path. You can understand the practice, but it takes clear intention to succeed.

We believe that this is something that many couples can achieve, and we are convinced that it can be applied to all kinds of relationships as well. In fact, we are certain that we can change the world in this manner, spreading peace one relationship at a time. How Two: Have a Successful Relationship

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we wrote about why knowing yourself is important for your relationship. Here are some articles on different aspects of this topic.

The Influence of Self-Disclosure on Relationships “Building a successful relationship involves a mutual give-and-take between partners. Self-disclosure may be more limited in the early stages of a new relationship, but part of the reason people grow closer and more deeply involved is that they become progressively more open to sharing with their partner. In order to build a deep and trusting relationship, some level of self-disclosure is necessary and the more intimate the relationship, the deeper this disclosure tends to be.”

Know Thyself! “Coming to understand how we appear to others is a key aspect of reflection. Self-knowledge can be divided into four areas: what is known to us as well as to others, what is known to others but not to us, what we know and others don’t, and what we don’t know and others don’t either. Discovering what no one knows takes time and intensive tactics. However, our biggest gain in self-improvement can be had by simply finding out what others know about us that we don’t.”

How to Develop Self-Love and Why This Will Strengthen Your Relationship “Of course it helps to be entering a relationship with a strong feeling of self-love. But I also think that if you are in a partnership where self-love is lacking, and the space between you is needy, irritating, and harmful, things can be turned around. Learning self-love is an ongoing process. It’s not a switch you can just flick on. Even couples who have a healthy amount of self-love could have more.”