Maude Mayes's Blog: Secrets of a Successful Relationship Revealed, page 65

The Powerful Value of Play in a Relationship

The late Dr. Karyn Purvis, Director of Texas Christian University’s Child Development Center stated, “scientists have recently determined that it takes approximately 400 repetitions to create a new synapse in the brain…unless it is done with play, in which case it takes between 10 and 20 repetitions.”
Play is an experience where pleasure and learning are combined in a relatively stress-free environment.
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Successful Relationships Reading Corner

This week, we wrote that neediness is not good for you and your relationship. Here are some articles with suggestions on how to handle this issue.

5 Ways to Become Less Emotionally Needy In Relationships “Most of us feel ’emotionally … Read more…

Neediness is Not Good for You and Your Relationship

Some people are a pleasure to be with. You feel a warm glow after leaving them. In contrast, there are people who drain you; after spending time with them, you feel exhausted. They’re angry, defensive or self-absorbed. One way or another, they’re needy. We’ve probably all had both of these experiences. When someone is wrapped up in themselves and completely absorbed in their own needs, there is little room for actually relating as two individuals coming together to exchange and support each other.

Obviously, we are not all islands. We need each other to survive, but what is the nature of needs that bring us fulfillment, and how are they different from the neediness that drains relationships?

Certainly, we all require things like food, shelter, company, and touch, and we rely on each other for those, but we’re talking about a sense of emptiness, of incompleteness, that cannot be supplied by other people, because if you feel needy, you feel needy.

Being told that there is more satisfaction in giving than receiving doesn’t make that sense of neediness go away. It is something that you have to fill yourself; other people don’t suffice. They can tell you you’re handsome or smart or witty or loved, but if you don’t believe that, it won’t stick. These beliefs are based on how you feel about yourself, not on what other people tell you. The words and feelings are intertwined; they need to match each other.

This requires changing both how you feel about yourself and how you think about yourself, and the only way to do that is through introspection. Physically, it’s really difficult to look at certain parts of yourself without a mirror, and for your self-image, a mirror is another person reflecting back who you are. But that’s precisely where you get all those messages about handsome, smart, etc., and just like fun-house mirrors, the reflection is distorted because it is changed by the other person’s own biases, needs, desires, etc. So how can you trust it? That’s the benefit of talking with a therapist because their view is less distorted by their own prejudices.

Neediness is something that you have to fill yourself; your partner can’t do it for you #quote
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You need to work on those feelings to change your self-image, not the other way round. Here are two ways to do that. One is historical, looking for the origins, digging them out, and discarding them. The other is present-oriented, looking at how your feelings don’t fit the reality in front of you and letting go of them.

The reason for a lack of self-worth is often because we’ve taken the childhood messages about us and internalized them. We have to look at ourselves anew. And of course, that’s a slow and difficult process.

When people enter or maintain a relationship to fill a sense of lack about themselves, it creates an imbalance, and continues the sense of that very lack they seek to fill. That kind of uneven exchange isn’t sustainable and does not benefit either partner.

To have a relationship that brings the kind of visceral experience of peace that we describe, it is necessary to have both partners fully present and able to recognize themselves as separate individuals. Each must be actively working on themselves, getting to know themselves, and learning to recognize self-generated concerns. Our true sense of self-worth comes from learning to accept ourselves through the work we do, and not viewing ourselves through someone else’s lens.

If you are feeling unloved or unappreciated, ask yourself if that is coming from within the relationship, or within you. Honestly realizing the source of this feeling will put you on the road to healing this sense of lack. Either way, you can deal directly with what is.

When a person carries a neediness within themselves, it is like a sinkhole that wants ever more filling. When you are thus busy with yourself, you are not really present to be a true partner, to see the other, appreciate and acknowledge them, or offer them support.

Take the time to find your center and sit within it. Find that place that is you, that place that is not conditioned by the approval of others; it is beyond looks, competence, or intelligence. This type of reflection is not the same as the self-absorption arising from a feeling of neediness. Make a dedication to grow, find, and fulfill your own unique potential. This type of work produces healthier individuals and concomitantly, healthier relationships. With the full acceptance of yourself, your progressing self, you will also find a greater ability to accept your partner.

In our relationship, we both feel enriched by the other; we are whole within ourselves, yet added to by the other. Neither of us is assuaging a sense of need through our relationship. Two individuals supporting each other’s further progress, while sharing the free exchange of love and acceptance that grows from this kind of mutual togetherness, create a fulcrum for spreading peace one relationship at a time. Won’t you join us?!

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

This week, we wrote about supporting the growth of the other person in your relationship. This sounds obvious but proves to be a challenge for many people. Here are some articles that may help with this.

Partner Power: Supportive Relationships Linked To Personal Development “Your romantic partner can be a source of encouragement or discouragement and whether they uplift you or deflate you can determine what you achieve in life. New research also suggests that if you have a partner that is supportive, you are more likely to take advantage of opportunities for personal growth that come your way (Feeney et al. 2017). On the other hand, if your partner is not so supportive of you in your relationship, you are more likely to forgo opportunities for personal growth.”

11 Ways To Be Independent In A Romantic Relationship, No Matter What “It’s very important to have independence in a relationship. Successful, healthy relationships allow for the both people to form a bond which lets them to not only grow together but also to grow independently as people. It’s essential to have your own sense of autonomy while feeling you can depend on each other.”

How to Build a Relationship Based on Interdependence “Interdependence suggests that partners recognize and value the importance of the emotional bond they share while maintaining a solid sense of self within the relationship dynamic. An interdependent person recognizes the value of vulnerability, being able to turn to their partner in meaningful ways to create emotional intimacy. They also value a sense of self that allows them and their partner to be themselves without any need to compromise who they are or their values system.”

Support the Growth of the Other Person in Your Relationship

We’ve always held that one of the reasons our relationship works so well is that we respect the individuality of the other person. A core value and bedrock of our relationship is the commitment we share to supporting the growth of each other as individuals. Apart and Separate.

We both have a strong desire to see each other develop and explore ourselves and own path. We both clearly see that although we are thrilled to be sharing our lives together, and intensely enjoy our mutual life, there is a separate life that each of us also has, one that needs its own fostering and nurturing.

Our life abounds with examples of this. Maude has been spending time supporting her children by watching her grandchildren, and staying over at their place to do so, often for days at a time. Phil is very wrapped up in a phase of his own writing interests and needs lots of private time to develop that. Maude follows her own spiritual practice and goes to meetings and events regularly that do not include Phil. Phil participates in several groups, including a long-standing bridge game that meets regularly and separately. He also does retreats to further self-enlightenment and is contemplating one again soon. Maude is feeling a desire to connect with people and places of her earlier life (probably brought on by the recent deaths of two friends) and is making a trip in the early fall for several weeks on her own.

These work for many reasons:

We both recognize the benefit of alone time. It allows us to remember, own and feel our identity.
We place no limit on what the other person does. We don’t need to understand it or control it.
We are secure in our commitment to each other. We trust each other. We are open with each other. We know the attractions and strengths that make up the relationship, and that these remain unchanged by separation.
We support the growth of the other person. We get so much pleasure from seeing the other person thrive in the world.
We recognize that crimping the style of the other person is the first step in making them uncomfortable, dissatisfied, limited by the relationship. A few dozen more steps in that direction and a relationship is over.

You need to feel secure within yourself as a person to let this happen. If what we describe makes you uncomfortable in any way, it’s best to look inside at that discomfort, rather than tamping it down by trying to limit your partner’s behavior. Explore trust, commitment, expectations and core values. That place of comfort comes from within you.

Commit to supporting the growth of your partner as an individual #quote #relationships #marriage
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All of these kinds of self-development and self-realization activities are balanced by the fact that we spend a goodly amount of time together sharing our mutual interests and enjoying each other to the max!

The knowledge that we both support each other in this way is both comforting and freeing. It creates a feeling of generosity and a feeling of calm that is hard to describe, yet so vital to a peaceful relationship. In fact, it generates peace.

When you know that you are not going to be pressured to only do things with your partner, or only do things your partner also relates to and wants to participate in, you can blossom on your own as a full individual. You can feel comfortable to pursue your own path and know that it in no way threatens or disturbs your partner.

This is a path that leads to both partners growing and supporting each other’s growth to the fullest. It leads to a relationship filled with calm and joy.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

This week, we wrote about how to stop irritation poisoning your relationship. Here are a number of writers discussing how to keep your relationship free from squabbles.

Why You Pick Fights With Your Partner — and How to Stop “Many of us are more open and vulnerable with our partner than almost anyone else, so it makes sense that we’d be more reactive to them and more affected by their responses. However, what we’re reacting to often goes deeper than what’s going on at the surface. We all have impactful experiences and unique attachment histories that shape our behavior, as well as our expectations about how relationships work.”

11 Hints for Resolving Relationship Irritations “…while we’re taught not to sweat the small stuff and to pick our battles, it’s these tiny transgressions that can build and become big stumbling blocks in a relationship. (For instance, a longitudinal study of 373 married couples found that happy couples do sweat the small stuff and work to resolve these issues right away.) So how do you resolve relationship annoyances without nitpicking, nagging or tiptoeing around your partner (and fuming on the inside)?”

5 Things to Do When You Are So Annoyed With Your Partner “Unfortunately, as you settle into a life together, you may discover that your true selves can be quite annoying. What used to seem exciting, enchanting, or intriguing now drives you nuts—sloppy habits, irrational perspectives, unreasonable standards, unskilled communication, bad fashion choices. The kindness, patience, and forgiveness that once ran thick now run thin.”

How to Stop Irritation Poisoning Your Relationship

PHIL: So, a little back story first. I’ve sporadically been feeling claustrophobic and overwhelmed by the amount of STUFF that has accumulated around the house.

Long story short, after I had taken care of digitizing all our CDs and turned an old phone into a digital player for our cars, Maude passed on a handful of photo CDs from across the years, and I started to feel like I was the digital housemaid, which irritated me, and I was a little curt. Later, I regretted my attitude and explained what triggered it. We had a conversation about skill, expectations and competency and poof, the air was cleared. Sounds great, huh, but there are still several challenges for me. First is being able to recognize that my mood is not good, and why. Then is talking about it with Maude. The thing is that we are always, always able to untangle the situation without descending into acrimony, but I always have a little bump of hesitation before starting this. There’s a lot of history behind this reticence. My former experience was of letting things slide until the pressure built up, then boom, and the resultant mess could take all day (or worse, all night) to untangle.

I realize it’s easy to be glib about this, and that people say “Oh, it’s fine for you two; you get along so well,” and yes, we have lots of tastes in common, but I think the real reason is that we don’t want to be in conflict, so if we see that possibility arising, we deal with it. We can do this because we’re open with each other and there are no hidden reefs, because we share core values.

One last step: remain in physical contact: a hand, a shoulder, a leg. I don’t have research or articles on how this works; we just know from experience that it creates a connection that makes the whole experience different My supposition is that a whole lot of emotional information is transmitted that way.

Irritated with your partner? This can be the pea that prevents the princess from sleeping #quote
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MAUDE: Feeling irritated with your partner or friend? Such a little thing, but is it? It can often be the pea that prevents the princess from sleeping.

We had an exchange yesterday over several things that caused Phil to be irritated and respond in a snippy, rejecting manner. He didn’t seem himself, and so I asked what was up, and that created an opening for him to share what he was experiencing. I was taken by surprise at his view of what had transpired, as I had a totally different version of events.

This was a perfect opportunity to sort things out using a version of Our Process to discuss this experience. Neither of us is interested in being or remaining at odds, so an occurrence of this nature often offers us an opportunity to grow closer, rather than further apart. This is because we don’t carry these experiences around. We address them and figure out what is going on. I never feel attacked by what Phil shares. He is open enough and trusting enough to let me know what he is feeling and thinking.

We have all been a party to conflicts and even full-blown arguments at some point in our relationship lives. These deviations from loving relating can actually be the product of numerous smaller irritations that have gone unaddressed and have slowly built up over time till they explode into larger events.

When we step out of loving acceptance of each other, a whole array of small ripples occur on both sides of a relationship. The cause of these responses can be various, from old buttons being pushed to feelings of disrespect or of being ignored that set off automatic responses of protection within us.

The first result of these emotions is that they cause a distancing from our partner. The feeling of separation and defense, no matter how small it appears, brings about numerous bodily reactions in both parties. All sorts of old survival mechanisms are alerted. A foreign body is attacking! A negative energy is coming at us. These are unconscious in most cases, but they produce a whole array of defenses. Push away, pull away…push back, pull back…

When these disturbances are not addressed and communicated within the relationship, they build and fester. This can, at the same time, be an opportunity to share and to learn more about each other instead. We are not interested in drama, conflict or any sort of distancing between us. We used this opportunity to grow closer and to release any weird feelings associated with the irritation that occurred.

When Phil noticed yesterday that he had spoken in a manner that made him uncomfortable, he looked within himself to see what was happening. He chose a time when we were alone together and sitting in close contact to share what he felt and why he had spoken in the manner he did. Touch can be very helpful in these moments, if it is a comfortable choice for you. Instead of both feeling strange or hurt or distressed, we drew closer, and again had cause to realize that we both want the same things and that neither of us likes or feels good to be out of harmony with ourselves or each other.

Don’t let small irritants grow and accumulate into estrangement and resentment. Communicate and trust that both of you share the same goals of love and support. Remember at all times that you are on the same side and there is an easy way to deal with irritation. Talk to each other as friends and partners with love and understanding.

It may feel momentarily good to vent when feeling impatient or annoyed. But remember, these acts have consequences and they are neither small nor easily reversed. You will find that the biggest disturbance is within yourself. As loving persons, we do not resonate with this frequency! Peace is the way and it starts within yourself and your relationships.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

This week, we wrote that relationship differences can be valuable and important. Here are some people writing about differences in relationships.

7 Things All Successful Couples Agree On & 7 Things It’s OK To Disagree On “‘Differences are what keeps the relationship interesting,’ NYC-based therapist Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW tells Bustle. ‘Values should be similar and what you are looking for in a relationship — such as commitment, children, etc. — are important for a long lasting relationship. However, you shouldn’t agree on everything.'”

How to Accept Your Differences for Relationship Success “Many star-struck couples soon realize that the person they’re in love with may be someone they know well, but not someone they share the same characteristics, passions, or hobbies with. I do understand that you are very much in love with each other, but you have to understand that you are not clones of each other.”

“But We’re So Different”: How Differences Shape And Impact Your Relationship “Just as there are benefits to sharing similarities with your partner, there are several benefits to having differences as well. First, you have the opportunity to share your experiences and interests with the person you love. It provides the opportunity to learn more about who your partner truly is, what makes them tick. You may find they enjoy a variety of activities you have never tried. You might find yourself drawn closer to them because of their adventurous spirit or their willingness to try some of your interests. You can learn much about your partner through shared experiences.”

Relationship Differences Can Be Valuable and Important

PHIL: Some writings have seared themselves into my brain. One was Games People Play. It was the first time I had met the idea of unconscious motivations, and also of being direct with people. Another was Be Here Now, the idea that the world in front of me is primary. As I wrote later, “The fact precedes the explanation.”

Another was Intimate Partners by Maggie Scarfe, who wrote about people who are attracted to their opposites: the introvert who chooses the party animal; the suppressed person who chooses an angry partner; the saver who marries a spendthrift. The person has buried an aspect of his or her life and chosen a partner who manifests it. The term is projective identification. Each partner is unknowingly complicit in this; each plays the role that the other cannot own. “…active colluders, each carrying a disclaimed area of the spouse’s internal territory as part of what is a mutually agreed-upon, unconscious arrangement.”

Maude and I always try to write from our direct experience and not repeat others’ ideas and recommendations. I think there are several reasons that we do not struggle as Scarfe describes. One is that we each know ourselves. I don’t think this is ever a full knowledge; I’m sure either a crisis or the changes of the years will show me strengths or weaknesses of which I am currently unaware. But I have lived long enough to recognize what I do and don’t need in life, where I can yield and where I am stubborn. I recognize my foibles and quirks; some are handicaps that I try to overcome, like self-deprecation, and some I am happy to own, like a distaste for ginger or sporting events.

Another way that Maude and I work well is that we both appreciate the benefits of time apart. We wrote about this last week. That time apart allows me to reflect about myself, to feel who I am and how I act independently of Maude. A relationship entangles two worlds, and in an earlier one, I lost myself somewhat, and only after ending it did I experience a rush of being my own person again.

The most direct reason Maude and I have not clashed over the polarization that Maggie Scarfe describes is that we accept each others’ differences. We know, deep down, we are each different individuals, just like everyone else on earth is, and Maude has the right to live her life as she wants, just as I do. We are trains on parallel tracks, not a single train, arguing who is the engineer and who is getting pulled along. It is a wonderful liberation. Yes, we are a partnership with all the benefits and obligations that go along with that, but the differences are no more than those of style. If they irritate me, that is an opportunity for introspection or discussion. We both have the same large vision of how we want to live; I cannot imagine what would disturb that peaceful coexistence.

Be trains on parallel tracks, not a single train, arguing who is the engineer & who is pulled along
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MAUDE: So many of us are puzzling over how to practice loving one another in the face of all the political divisiveness current in our lives and hearts. Phil and I have been sharing ideas and feelings to this topic, and relating the practices of our relationship and how this can be applied to relationships in general.

Need differences always be an annoyance, a cause for distance, or even anger?

In a relationship, differences often start out as an attraction. We enjoy being added to by a partner and having them fill in actions and traits that we may not have or express. One partner likes to travel and is great at organizing trips. The other hasn’t had this as a part of their lives and is entranced by the possibilities of gaining this through their partner. One of you is a bit introverted and doesn’t have a large circle of friends. Your partner is very social and brings along a whole group of wonderful people to add to your life.

As a relationship progresses, these very initial attractions often turn into irritations or worse. There is a tendency to want sameness and agreement, and to react against differences; both of opinion and behavior. These responses can be real or, as is more frequently the case, misplaced. They can provide a good opportunity to learn more about yourself and to grow in your ability to share with another.

Why do those very differences that you originally were so attracted to become repelling or disturbing to you? Look at yourself honestly and find what it is in you that is reacting. You may be able to illuminate some parts of yourself that are in flux. Perhaps you can find a way to view these challenges of difference as a potential growth experience. When we are presented with making changes, we often lash out in defense, even when these are changes that benefit us and that we actually want to make. This may be an opportunity to put what initially attracted you into practice for yourself.

There is one very important aspect that has to be mentioned here. Differences can be true assets and can work to enrich your relationship greatly. This kind of benefit can be derived most deeply when core values match. When they don’t match, this disparity makes it difficult to embrace, assimilate and celebrate your differences.

The addition of another personality expressing the same core values in an entirely different and unique way is one of the greatest gifts our relationships can give us. It provides a chance to expand ourselves and the parameters of our lives. When developing a relationship, watch and reflect on what your attraction in this area truly is. If your core values don’t match, then you can count on these very same attractions becoming sources of disharmony and conflict. When they do match, the differences can be a constant source of enrichment and a cause for celebration!

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

This week, we wrote about the astonishing benefit of being alone in a relationship. Here are some articles on this topic.

7 Signs Your Partner’s Need For Alone Time Is OK Vs. A Threat To Your Relationship “‘There is nothing inherently wrong with alone time,’ Joanna Townsend, a life coach and a Washington D.C.-based psychotherapist for Blush Online Life Coaching, tells Bustle. ‘Alone time is healthy, particularly in relationships. It’s imperative for recharging, re-centering, connecting with oneself, and being able to show up to the relationship fully.’ It can be a really useful tool in a relationship.”

7 Reasons Why You and Your S.O. Need Time Apart “Whether you’ve been in a relationship for 10 years or two weeks (or simply thinking about getting back into the game), it’s important to remember that you are a whole person and were a whole person before you became part of a team. And just because you’re in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean you have to be with them 24/7. Being apart from them allows you to reset and feel comfortable being with your own company.”

Great Relationships Embrace ‘We Time’ and ‘Me Time’ “You may have heard that a weekly date with your partner fosters a good relationship. Do you also make sure to enjoy self-nurturing activities individually? By overdoing togetherness, you can lose touch with your essential self, like Emily did long ago. When this happens, you might sense something amiss in your relationship, such as the absence of romance and fun. You might feel discouraged or blame your partner.”