Maude Mayes's Blog: Secrets of a Successful Relationship Revealed, page 107

How to Avoid Power Struggles in Your Relationship

I’ve been thinking quite a lot about the discussions we’ve had recently concerning power struggles within a relationship. We’ve been talking about John Gottman’s book “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail“. He observed many couples in terms of their conflicts and issues with power. He concluded that success depends on how you handle conflict. He found some very interesting statistics on how to balance anger and fighting with positive energy, and that to succeed, a relationship needs a ratio of at least 5 compliments to every criticism. He believes that all relationships contain conflict.

Ours is a very different experience and pattern. We have learned that it is possible to have a core of passion and peace as the foundation of a relationship. We believe that the idea that all relationships are weighed down with conflict is a fallacious one, and that there are other alternatives.

We’ve never talked much about power and power struggles within our relationship. The issue of power, of who has it and how it is exercised, doesn’t play a part for us, and there is a very good reason. Our relationship is based on a foundation of celebrating and honoring the uniqueness of each of the partners. This practice obviates the need for any one-upmanship. Each partner is complete as they are. Each partner is all powerful in the sphere of being themselves. For the couple to be strong and powerful, each of the partners wants the other to be strong and powerful. There is nothing therefore to be gained by any pushing or pulling, or attempts to direct, correct, overpower or intimidate.

In fact, all that is desirable comes from each partner feeling safe, undefended, supported, acknowledged, and appreciated within the relationship.

Conflict, fighting, anger and power issues do not have to be part of a relationship. Other ways of relating are real and attainable. What we have experienced is not just a one off, or amazing good fortune. It is possible for you to experience peace within your relationship. We hope our explorations will help you to experience this truth.

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Relationship Reading Corner

Here are some writings on little white lies. There are lots of different view on this issue. What do you think? Leave a comment.

White Lies: This cover the types of white lies, the reasons for them, their impact, and how to detect white lies.

10 Ways Little White Lies are Slowly Ruining Your Life: Why little white lies are not that white and not that little.

The truth about little white lies: Why they’re actually more dangerous than you think: Research shows that “all forms of lying—including white lies meant to spare the feelings of others—are associated with poorer-quality relationships.”

Why Those Little White Lies Do More Damage Than You Think: One thing we deceive ourselves about is that we’re lying to protect others’ feelings. That’s not usually true. We often lie because we want another person to love us.

 

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Are Little White Lies Really Little?

White lies. They’re the lubricant of human interactions. “What an adorable baby!” “No, of course I don’t mind.” “I must have missed your email.” We tell them to make others feel better or to make us look better.

They’re seen as beneficial in close relationships, too, for the same reasons, but there’s a price to be paid for that. Trust. Every white lie damages the credibility of all other statements. Even if it’s done to make you feel good: “Do I look fat in these jeans?” Every shading of the truth protects your poor fragile ego from the realities of the world. How often is that a necessary or useful approach? Very seldom.

But do not use the truth as a weapon. Do not hoard it as ammunition for a fight. You can tell the truth and still be gentle and respectful. Remember it is only your truth, it is not the truth.

We can use a mirror to see our physical self, but we can only see our social self when it is reflected back to us by others, and when this image is distorted by white lies, it removes valuable information about our role in society.

A friend or partner who offers the truth is giving you a very rare and precious commodity. Hard though it may be to hear on occasion, do not act defensively and reject it, but honor the gift. It is useful. It is a privilege to hear someone tell their truth.

Now consider offering the same to your friends in return.

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Relationship Reading Corner

Here are some writings on honesty in relationships. Although we may not agree with everything they say, we think they all have something to offer.

 

Honesty Can Make or Break a Relationship

Radical Honesty for a Healthy Marriage

How To Be Honest: Seven Tips

 

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Complete Honesty – How Important Is It?

The phrase “complete honesty” brings up many issues immediately. What does it mean? Are little white lies allowed? Does it do more harm than good?

In our experience, the answer is clear. Complete honesty is one of the basic foundations of every successful relationship. When we asked people about their core values, almost everyone mentioned honesty as being an important value to them.

When you know you can completely trust your partner, you can relax and truly share yourself. You develop a sense of security that what your partner says is going to align with what they actually do. You are assured that you will not have unwelcome surprises and you can be easy and safe in your communications.

Along with this issue of valuing honesty comes the question of little white lies. Is it kinder to not always tell your partner the truth if you think it may hurt their feelings? The problem is that once you start not telling the whole truth, the lines get blurry, and you will have to decide each time how much of the truth to express or what to eliminate from the truth. This will create a culture of dishonesty that can reach to the very foundation of your relationship. If your mate doesn’t feel that you are sharing the whole truth, they begin to distrust everything you say, and a loss of intimacy always follows.

Here are some quotes from our interviews with successful couples.

Diane: There is having good will toward each other what we have built up over time, and that comes from knowing you can be honest with the other person and that they may not always like what you say, but that there’s a willingness to listen. We trust each other. I don’t think Mark would do anything to intentionally hurt me and I think Mark knows that no matter what I may have said that my intent is not to hurt him.

Jacky: I need total transparency and honesty, and speaking your truth, sharing with the other person how you want it.

Michael: The key is authentic communication, vulnerable communication, a willingness to hear what might be uncomfortable, and might feel threatening to my ego, but I’d much rather hear it now than pretend I didn’t hear it, or pretend it’s not there.

James: Before I met Rita, I was dating and I would try to put up a front to be more attractive. But ultimately you have to be honest, so I just decided I wasn’t going to care anymore and I would just be completely honest and open right from the very first date. I would share everything about me, all the stuff I’d done right and all the stuff I’d done wrong – just no secrets. It really worked for us. You know what you’re getting right off the bat.

What becomes important in handling issues where honesty may cause hurt or discomfort is to pay attention to how you communicate. Speak with gentleness and make sure your partner always knows that you are both on the same side. Be sure that what you are communicating is not just an attack veiled as being honest. If you are caring and supportive, these things will only serve to strengthen your relationship and help develop deeper intimacy.

When both partners know that complete honesty is one of the cornerstones of their relationship, it will bring a wonderful knowledge of togetherness and union and they will know they can truly count on each other.

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Relationship Reading Corner

Here are this week’s writings on New Relationships.

How to Stop Repeating Past Mistakes in Love

How To Avoid Making The Same Relationship Mistakes Over And Over Again

Starting a Relationship 101

 

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New Relationship? How to Do Better This Time

We’ve all had failed relationships and suffered the inevitable postmortem of what went wrong. Are you starting out a new relationship? Do you want this one to be different? What can you do to make better choices?

Questions like these can haunt you. Here are some things to consider at the start.

In the first rush, blush and crush of excitement that a new romance engenders, you are often blinded to everything else. This is a great time, and by all means enjoy it. Alongside the pleasure of connection is the process of getting to know the other person. Look into the future and think about the qualities you want in a relationship. How are you going to ascertain whether the person has these qualities or not? Finding out whether someone does, takes time. You need to see them in many different situations before you can assess that accurately. Listen to what they say about themselves, whether boastful or deprecating. Do their actions match their words? How do they actually treat people: the waiter, their friends, other movie-goers, you? Your observations will give you a much-needed balance to the passions of a new connection. So take your time and wait for their true character to show through.

I was having dinner with Donna Thursday night and she was bitterly berating her most recent dating partner. 

“He reminds me so much of Arnie,” she sighed, “And you know how that ended. I don’t think this is going to work out.”

“But you’ve only seen him three times,” I remarked.

“I know, but he came late, and you know how much I hate that. He had a good reason, but it still bothered me. Not only that but it took him two days to call me after our second date. He may not be interested and I don’t want to get into a relationship where I’m more involved than the other person. Been there, done that!”

I laughed and thought to myself, “How is she ever going to develop a relationship? She’s so filled up with her past experiences, that there’s no room for new ones.”

Don’t make the same mistake and be too hasty. Try to see each person as new and experience them for who they are. If you are jumping to conclusions too fast, or seeing the new person in terms of your expectations, you will miss out on the chance to have something new happen. Leave time for different experiences and stay open to what is actually in the present.

And then there’s sex. Nearly everybody likes it. And it creates powerful feelings of intimacy. Its great for bonding two people together, and nature has her own mysterious reasons for choosing partners, too. The feelings of deep intimacy during sex may not reflect reality when taken into the context of the whole relationship This bonding can interfere with deciding if you partner is really a good match.

Deal with this in one of two ways. Either defer sleeping together until you have established more of a relationship, or take care that the feelings engendered during sex do not cause you to overlook failings in your partner as the price for your sexual pleasure.

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Relationship Reading Corner

Here are some writings on The Three A’s for this week — Acceptance, Appreciation, Acknowledgement.

Is Radical Acceptance the Key to a Lasting Relationship?

Appreciation in Relationships

The Gift of Acknowledgement

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What Makes a Relationship Work? The Three A’s

The Three A’s:
Acceptance, Acknowledgment, Appreciation

I believe the greatest gift I can conceive of having from anyone is to be seen by them, heard by them, to be understood and touched by them. The greatest gift I can give is to see, hear, understand and to touch another person. Virginia Satir

The three A’s are the glue that hold people together. They are the underpinning of any successful relationship.

Phil: A key part of a successful relationship is accepting the other person for who they are, rather than complaining and trying to change them.

Maude: Acceptance involves the true understanding that you and your partner are separate individuals, and yet can reach the heights of union together. By honoring and respecting the differences between you, and at the same time knowing your partner does the same, you can achieve a free undefended way of being together which is imbued with peace and love. We have written a number of blogs on what we call The Spectrum of Acceptance, and on Core Values so necessary to achieving this kind of acceptance. (See links below).

Phil: But beyond just accepting our partner’s qualities, we also appreciate them. That, after all, is why we choose the people we do: because we like them, like what they do, like how they speak or dress or think or dance of laugh. If you don’t appreciate your partner, that is to say that they are nothing special to you. Please don’t let that be the case. Instead, think about what qualities attract you. You may not at first be fully conscious of these attractions, but by making them clear to yourself, they will fill you with appreciation.

Maude: Acceptance is the groundwork for a successful relationship, but it is not enough on its own. The more you accept your partner for who they truly are, the more you will come to appreciate them. Appreciation is a food that all of us yearn for, and a balm to our inner being. It goes beyond acceptance to a real pleasure in the other person. As you celebrate the uniqueness of your partner, your bond will grow stronger and feed your union.

Phil: And once you are aware of these attractions? Why, acknowledge them, of course! By speaking them out loud, you affirm them to yourself, but far more importantly, you let your partner know. It is an act of intimacy. It makes your partner feel good. Such expressions of acceptance make the freedom you are offering to your partner explicit, and make a space in the world wherein they can fully be themselves.

Maude: Appreciation is a joyful experience, but if you do not communicate your feelings to your partner, they will have no idea of how you feel. Offering acknowledgment is a practice that we all need to cultivate. It would be great if we experienced this in our early years and developed a natural way of incorporating it into our behavior. Unfortunately, many people do not gain this experience and it becomes necessary to learn how to do it. Don’t keep it to yourself, put it into words and put it into actions. You will enjoy both the expressing of your appreciation, and the good feelings it engenders in your partner. Acknowledgment of your acceptance and appreciation creates opportunities for deep intimacy and is its own reward. Try it and you will rejoice at your experience!

Core Values

Core Values and The Spectrum of Acceptance

Can This Relationship Work? Learn More About the Spectrum of Acceptance

This dialog style is a new form of writing our blogs. Leave a comment and tell us how you like it.

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Relationship Reading Corner

We pick out and share with you various articles and blogs on relationships written by a wide variety of authors in the field.

We’ve been writing about core values, and found some really good posts for the Reading Corner for this week:

The Love Doctor on Archetype, Core Values and Relationships

What Core Values Mean to Love

Understanding Your Core values in Relationships

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