Delilah S. Dawson's Blog, page 9

How Not to Be a Creeper

Creeper no creeping.

So a lovely writer friend of mine is getting creeped on by someone who has also creeped on me and who probably has no idea that they are creeping on everyone else. So l'd like to talk about that, because I'm pretty sure no one actually wants to be a creeper. This blog post is done out of love, y'all.

For the purpose of this argument, I'm defining a creeper as "someone whose actions make someone else uncomfortable." That goes for in person and online, male or female, sexual or otherwise. If you have a touchy-feely relationship with your friends, this is about something different that happens between strangers, acquaintances, or one person who wants to be friends and someone else who is leaning away from that relationship. My main focus here is at cons and conferences, as those are the places where creeping happens to me and my friends. And here's how to avoid doing it.

1. DO NOT INITIATE PHYSICAL CONTACT WITHOUT PERMISSION.

This one should go without saying. If you don't have an established relationship with someone or they do not currently have their arms open to welcome your hug, you probably don't need to go in for a hug. If you go in for a hug and they make an OMG TERRIFIED RUN face, back off. Never pick someone up from behind. Never sit beside them and touch their leg with any part of your body, if you can help it. For the love of all that's holy, don't stroke their arm or touch their hair. If they're pregnant, stay far away from that beautiful belly unless you have explicit permission to touch it. In short, respect someone's space. This is the fastest way to make someone really, really uncomfortable before you've even opened your mouth.

Django Wexler, I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize for attack-hugging you at Phoenix  Comicon last year. You looked terrified. That wasn't cool of me.

Also: Being alone isn't an invitation. If you see someone sitting/riding public transportation alone, that is not a sign that they really want company, and it's especially not a sign that they want *your* company. Headphones, focusing on a phone, reading a book, closed posture-- these are all signs that someone wants to remain alone.

2. CHECK THEIR POSTURE.

Someone who is interested in initiating conversation will turn toward you, have a relaxed posture, and gesticulate with their hands. Someone who does not want to talk to you will lean away, turn away, cross their arms, start talking or texting on their phone, walk in a different direction, or sidle closer to friends. Basically, if they look closed off or are sidling away like they want to escape, they're not comfortable.

I once had a fantastic conversation with Jewel Staite in a bar in Phoenix. We talked of our mutual love of fondue. And then she smiled tightly, turned away, and picked up her drink, and I recognized that she was done with our chat. I said goodbye and left. I didn't want to.

I know this pain, is what I'm saying.

3. READ THEIR FACE.

Someone who wants to chat or who is enjoying the conversation makes eye contact, then looks down, then up, then back in your eyes. They smile, and it shows in the crinkles around their eyes, in their dimples and in how they grin with their teeth. They nod and seem engaged and connected. On the other hand, someone who feels uncomfortable or cornered will avoid eye contact, frantically look away or over your shoulder for rescue, check their phone frequently, sigh a lot, have a tight or closed mouth, or have a fake smile that doesn't touch their eyes. When I'm uncomfortable, I go into Static Resting Bitchface mode and have tiny, pinched lips and a little V between my eyebrows. It's hard to hide.

4. LISTEN TO WHAT THEY SAY.

If someone is asking you questions, laughing at your jokes, responding with enthusiasm, and generally showing energy to keep the conversation going, that's a good sign. Someone who wants to leave the conversation might outright say they have to go or that they see a friend across the room. Or they might say, "Well, it was nice meeting you. Goodbye." Or they might go into monosyllables that show disinterest: Oh. Huh. Hm. Really? Tsk. Mm hmm. Yeah. If someone is uncomfortable in a conversation, they will most likely stop talking, and you will be doing all the talking, and they will look intensely bored, as if they wished the convo was over, which is exactly what they wish. Saying nothing means the convo is over.

5. DO NOT FOLLOW THEM.

I can't believe I have to say this, but... do not follow someone from your ended conversation to the new group they join. Do not follow them outside to smoke. Do not follow them toward the restroom (unless you're, say, in a panel or class and everyone's going to pee). Do not follow them to the bar/restaurant for the sole purpose of bumping into them again later. Do not hang out in the hotel lobby to ambush them. Unless someone specifically asks you to walk with them or invites you to go with them, and especially if they say goodbye to you or excused themselves, do not follow them. Ever.

6. TAKE A HINT.

If you ask someone out/invite them somewhere and they say anything but an energetic and enthusiastic YES or I CAN'T NOW BUT I'M SO SORRY; ASK ME AGAIN SOMETIME, do not ask again. A soft no feels kinder, but it is not an invitation to badger. If you ask someone for help in your career and they say they can't help you, point you toward other resources, or generally are unable or unwilling to give you what you want, do not keep pestering them. If you keep trying to join a circle of conversation and get cut off/edged out, that's a sign that you're not welcome. If someone yawns and mentions how exhausted they are, do not keep talking at them. If you offer someone a ride and they say no thank you, don't keep pushing them to accept. If they wanted to acquiesce, they would've done so the first time. A polite excuse is not an open door.

7. DO NOT BADGER PEOPLE ONLINE.

Look, this isn't selling vacuums door to door. You don't need to corner someone and bother them until they give you what you want. Repeatedly chatting someone who doesn't chat back, overdoing the Twitter @s when you get 0 response, getting passive-aggressive in emails, or in any way demanding that someone respond to you is downright rude. This goes for dating, friendship, jobs, and writing help-- and a lot of other areas. If you chat someone and they don't respond, let it go. If they leave the convo, let it go. If you send someone 20 @ messages on Twitter, you're going to get Muted or Blocked. No one owes you their attention, much less their respect. You've got to earn those things, and you won't do it by annoying the crap out of someone.

My least favorite:

Stranger email: Can I ask you a writing question?

Me: Sure! *answers question*

Stranger email: One more question.

Me: Ok. *answers, slightly more succinctly*

Stranger: Okay, that was helpful. Here are 14 more questions and a PDF of my book for you to read and offer critique.

Me: All those questions are answered on my blog, and if you'd like for me to critique your work, you can sign up for one of my classes at LitReactor.

Stranger: YOU THINK YOU'RE SO COOL BUT YOU'RE A BITCH YOU DON'T WANT TO HELP PEOPLE YOU JUST WANT TO SAVE ALL THE BOOK DEALS AND MONEY FOR YOURSELF YOU UGLY HO ALSO YOUR BOOKS SUCK

Me: Uh. *blocks*

8. WHEN SOMEONE CONFRONTS YOU, SHUT UP AND LISTEN.

It takes a lot of guts to tell someone that they are making you uncomfortable and to assert your right to exist without harassment or fear. If someone says that you are creeping, just apologize and withdraw. For real. Don't explain your reasons for creeping. Don't blame them for misinterpreting your behavior. Don't give excuses. Trust me-- nothing you can say will make them feel more comfortable. If you seriously, 100% don't understand why they feel that way, you can ask which behaviors in particular make them uncomfortable-- and take that information with you so you can do better next time. You're not going to win this fight. Go home and absorb what you've been told and figure out how to fix it.

9. DON'T SAY YOU'RE A GOOD PERSON; BE A GOOD PERSON.

The most common response to being told one is a creeper is, "That's not true! I'm a nice person! I didn't do anything wrong! Ask my friends!" Basically, the creeper will try to invalidate the victim's feelings because they don't want to feel like a creeper. The creeper will turn it around so that they are the victim. This is a horrible thing to do, and everyone else can see straight through it. Look at it this way. I walk up and punch you in the face. You complain about it. My response? I DIDN'T DO THAT. I'M A NICE PERSON. ASK MY FRIENDS! Do you now feel better about being punched in the face? No. No, you don't. And that's how people feel when you creep on them and then claim that you're a nice person who would never make someone uncomfortable.

"I'm just trying to be nice" is one of the worst things a human being can say. Because you only say it when you're caught not being nice.

10. DON'T SAY CREEPY THINGS.

"You'd look prettier if you smiled." "Need help unlacing that corset?" "What's under your kilt?" "Wanna tie me up with your Lasso of Truth, Wonder Woman?" "So, where do you live?" "You should be careful in elevators alone at night. You never know what some psycho could do." "Need some inspiration for your next Romance novel?" "You're too good-looking to be a geek." "So is your wife here, too?" "So can I tell your agent we're friends?" "I'd like to take you out for drinks and pick your brain." "I'd like to interview you. Not for a podcast or blog; just for me." "I'm just looking at your ink." "How far down does that tattoo go?"

All of these things are creepy, and I've heard them all, whether applied to me or someone else in my company. If you say creepy things, people will think you are a creep. Period. If you comment on their appearance in a sexual way, offer to do things to/with them, or ask for specific details about their home life or how to find them, that's creepy. If they're a writer and you're aggressively grilling them on private matters, like how to contact their agent or editor or how much they got for their advance or whether they will read your work, that comes across as creepy-- and insulting.

And the phrase "pick your brain" is one of my pet peeves, as it turns me into some sort of object you can mine to suit your own needs. A real conversation goes both ways.

IN CONCLUSION

If you make someone uncomfortable, you will never get what you want out of them. And if you did, would you really want it? Would you really want to accomplish your goals solely due to pity or fear? Whether what you want is friendship, sex, career advice, or something else, the harder you push, the further the other person will withdraw. Relationships and writing are a lot alike in that there is no big secret to success, no one trick that will make all your dreams come true. And from the outside of love or publishing, when you don't know how to get to where you want to be-- it feels horribly lonely and hopeless, with no clear road map to your dreams. Getting pushy is not the answer.

Interpersonal harassment will actively hinder you as you pursue your goal. Friendship, love, or a career in writing can only unfold in time thanks to effort, experience, and being both genuine and sensitive to feedback. Sometimes, it will never be a good fit, and being aggressive, sleazy, or insensitive to physical and verbal signals will only hinder your progress. Smart people can tell when you're trying to manipulate them to get what you want, and that means you'll never, ever get it.

How to not be a creeper? Be cool. Simple as that.

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10 Things I Learned from Having a Self-Promo Post Go Viral

If only delicious cupcakes would go viral, right?

Last week, I had a blog post on author self-promotion go viral. It was giddy-- and in some ways, terrifying. Here are a few things I learned.

1. Clickbait rage gets more attention than positive tips.

My Please Shut Up post received over 50,000 hits, which is the highest number of hits of any post on my blog. Ever. Which is awesome... and scary. The funny thing is that the post with the clickbait headline (Please Shut Up: Why self-promotion as an author doesn't work) got 5x the hits as the following, more positive post (Wait, Keep Talking: Author Self-Promotion That Actually Works.) For me, as a writer, it was a great object lesson in how to get eyes on one's blog: say something controversial that will piss people off. The other side of that coin is that it's exhausting, being yelled at all day by people who disagree. For my dollar, I'd rather help people than irritate them, which means that although it was gratifying to get so much attention, in the end, it didn't help me as a writer.

2. Writers are desperate for self-promo help.

With over 200 comments and 20 emails about Please Shut Up, it's clear that this post hit a nerve. Authors of all levels and stripes are honestly starving for tips on how to get their books discovered. Because you know what? It's really, really hard to get noticed, much less build a following. That goes for traditionally published, indie published, and self-published writers. Even after I posted Wait, Keep Talking with suggestions for self-promo that works, I still received questions and comments about how to sell books. My answer remains the same: time + hard work + great books + luck. There is no secret.

And writers, for the most part, are lovely and kind and said supportive things about the post. If you took time out of your day to email me or comment in a positive manner or to share it via social media, thank you. I'm glad we're in this leaky boat together.

3. People hate being told to shut up.

I've never had so many ugly comments that deserved deletion. Men, especially, don't like a woman daring to suggest they stop talking. Is there a badge for being called the C word on one's own blog? Because DANG.

4. A lot of people didn't get it.

"If I shut up, I wouldn't sell any books" is a message I received 100+ times in the past week. And, um, DUH. Did you read the second post? Have you seen my own Twitter feed? The point isn't to sit at home with duct tape over your mouth and your laptop shut, praying that your book magically does well. The point is that self-promo is hard, and if you do certain annoying behaviors, you're shooting yourself in the foot and actively repelling people instead of interesting them. And the fact that so many people responded aggressively with the same message says that either they didn't see past the (yes, slightly manipulative) post title, they didn't read the second post, or they aren't willing to acknowledge that what they're doing isn't working. Change is scary, and it's easier to hit your head on the same wall and complain about it than it is to switch up your tactics and do something new.

5. People who want to tell me I'm wrong will start a post with MS. DAWSON.

Look, I'm Southern. I will say "Yes, ma'am" and "No, sir," to a 16yo kid, if they're behind a counter. But most of the time, emails from adults/writers that begin with, DEAR MS. DAWSON mean that someone is feigning respect so that they can tell me exactly how wrong I am and suggest that I change my words and feelings to express their own experience and expertise. DEAR SIR OR MADAM, this is not the best way to make your first impression. We can respectfully disagree, but you don't keep my respect by starting with an honorific and finishing with an excoriation.

6. Even though the thrust of the post was "I hate it when people push me," tons of people used the post as an excuse to push me. It did not work.

I know how hard it is to sell books. I know. But the way to get your name out there is not to send a stranger an email that says, "I know you said you didn't like people pushing their books on you, but here is my book." And telling a stranger a sob story about how hard it is to be a writer is likewise not going to make them want to buy your book. That was the entire point of BOTH posts. I have never, once, ever, not a single time bought or publicized a book based on an email, especially an email that whines, rages, or insults me. Have you? 

7. Sometimes it's easier to talk dirt about the speaker than to acknowledge that you don't like how what they're saying makes you feel.

I heard that someone was talking smack about me and my blog at a local con this weekend, and my author friends were kind enough to defend me--and agree with my feelings on self-promotion. Insulting me, calling me names, and screeching about how wrong I am does not sell your books--or your abilities as a publicist. Calling me a bitch does not make you look appealing or reasonable. I know that the reality of self-promotion is bleak, and it feels good to have a target for your rage, but I'm just another writer, not Listicus von Royalties, God of Booksellers. Being angry at me isn't going to sell your books.

8. Even when I say I can see through manipulation, people try to manipulate me.

"Delilah, I couldn't agree more. As an author myself, I know how you feel. Oh, hey, in fact, here's a link to my new book. It would be great if you wanted to check it out, review it, tweet about it, and help promote it, since you know how hard it is for a new writer. And if I could reprint your blog post on my website and have you stop by in the comments, that would be great. I haven't bought your books, but they certainly do look interesting. Speaking of which, who's your agent?"

Ha ha ha nope. Nice try.

9. You're not going to change my mind.

We all want to be heard and acknowledged--me included. But there were tons of reactions that demanded I go to someone's site and read their reaction post and continue the discussion. And I'm not doing that. I said what I believed, what I felt needed to be said, and I can't think of a single way that anyone could change my mind. For everyone who mentioned Hugh Howey, I'll admit he's got me beat, and you might do better to follow whatever he suggests for self-promotion since his tactics are superior to mine. But you must remember that he's an outlier who's been at it longer than you or I have, and the game is different today than when he was in our shoes. I'm not saying that my word is gospel; I'm just saying that your chances of changing my mind in particular are very, very slim. You can't push me, and I'm not often engaged by people demanding my attention. So do what you think best, and I wish you luck.

10. There are no easy answers.

Here's the thing. My book, HIT, launched last Tuesday. I got over 50k blog hits, received tons of positive thoughts on it, had an in-house publicist and a hired publicist for it, had three book signings--and it didn't hit list or come anywhere close. If it had, there's no way I could write a blog post telling you how to replicate that success. Pretty much every author I know is doing everything they can to sell books, and it's like throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks. Traditional publishing doesn't know. Paid publicists don't know. Bestselling authors usually can't point to just one thing that turned the tide. Success as an author is cumulative and involves some luck, and it's a hell of a lot harder than it was even 5 or 10 years ago, getting your book discovered. I'm going to keep looking for the right answer for me, and I trust you will keep looking for the right answer for you. I hope something I've said, whether here or on Twitter, has helped you. Even if it just made you so mad that you changed tactics or doubled up your effort, I truly want everyone to succeed.

Why Should I Listen to You? On writing cred and how to get it.

Women of Vampire Fiction at Dragoncon. Sherrilyn Kenyon, Chelsea Quinn Yarbro, Karen Taylor, Jeanne C. Stein, Laurell K. Hamilton, Faith Hunter, me, and Track Director and Moderator extraordinaire Carol Malcolm. Photo by Jennifer Morris of the Coastal Magic Convention. Would you trust these dangerous women?

Who the hell are you and why should I care?

Why should I trust your advice?

Why are your thoughts valuable? 

If I'm 100% honest, that's what I think whenever I click on a link to an article or blog. From the pitch to the website to the actual words, I want to know that the information is coming from someone I respect and trust. That that person has... if not credentials, then experience and knowledge that will help me move forward. Every person has their own standards and built-in prejudices, but I remember well what it was like when I was first blogging and pursuing agents in my career as a writer. Cred felt like the job market: You need experience to get the job, but you need a job to get the experience. I felt totally screwed.

This, then, is a quick guide on how to get cred as a writer. And how to *lose* cred.

1. Get short stories published in recognized outlets.

I would call this "starting small", but getting your stories published is a big deal. I didn't sell a short on submission until this year, which means I had 8 book sales before 1 short story was accepted from the slush pile. The idea here is to hone your short form and sell your work to increasingly more well-known and well-read magazines or outlets by including previous sales in your bio, thereby giving you the cred that editors want to see. Not only does selling your work make you a "professional writer", but it starts to build your CV while upping your skill level. This also includes flash fiction, novellas on fiction websites, and stories in anthologies. Every line in that bio helps.

2. Get an agent.

Yeah, I know. Sounds easier than it is. I received over 80 rejections on two books before I got an offer of representation. But I can tell you this: When you add "agented by A. Agent" to your Twitter bio, your Follows magically double. People assume that if an agent sees promise in you, you're going places. At the same time, I've gone on record saying that having a bad or disreputable agent is worse than having no agent, so make sure you check out someone's credentials on Preditors and Editors before you sign a contract. Money flows to the writer, which means that if an agent charges you a reading fee or any kind of agenting fee before selling something on your behalf, they are not legit. Unfortunately, there are tons of people waiting to prey on authors desperate for an agent and the cred that goes with it.

3. Get enough self-published sales to impress.

We've all heard the pie-in-the-sky stories about writers who do so well with self-pub that agents and editors knock down their door. But we also know the hard truth, which is that these fine folks are outliers who worked long and hard to get there, and that you have to hustle for every sale. That being said, selling over 10,000 copies of a book all by yourself is a major achievement that speaks well not only to the quality of your writing but also to your tenacity, salesmanship, attitude, and willingness to work. "Amazon Bestseller" in your bio won't impress, but "Over 50,000 copies sold" will.

4. Find something unique that only you can teach or contribute.

If you're just starting out, this might be your way to elbow your way in to the mess. After all, you can't blog on How to Get a Literary Agent if you don't have one, nor will people read your article on Plotting if you've never completed a novel. But there *are* things you can contribute that no one else is currently writing about.

Are you a forensics specialist? Do you have experience working with people who have a unique disease? Do you know tons about the legal side of contracts? Did you get a bronze in the Olympics? If you have something unusual in your job or background that you can speak on regularly and help other writers or attract a niche selection of readers, then use it. The thing is, there are a million people blogging about getting an agent or how to plot a story, but there's no one else blogging about captive tiger breeding genetics while writing their zoologist mystery. If you want people to read your blog posts or articles, you must say something useful that no one else is saying, and you must say it well. This is also a great way to get on panels or give workshops at professional events-- they're always looking for a new window on writing that no one has heard before.

5. Volunteer/work in a professional organization.

Whatever you write, there is a unified group for people in your genre: SCBWI for kids' fiction, HWA for Horror, SFWA for Scifi and Fantasy, RWA for Romance, and so many more. Each of those organizations has a world-wide or country-wide board as well as smaller groups based by area, state, or city. Go to meetings and see if they need a Secretary. Volunteer at their conference. You'll not only build a reputation as a helpful person, but you'll meet a wide range of other writers from seasoned pro to younger hopefuls, and that kind of networking is invaluable for learning about open submissions, finding critique partners, finding writing groups, and meeting people who might reveal some great tips at the bar. If you have nothing else in your query bio, "Secretary for Georgia RWA and runner-up for 2012 Unpublished Maggie Award for Historical Romance" tells an agent that not only are you giving and working on your writing, but... you're not insane. And that goes pretty far. 

Also included here: Start a convention yourself, like the lovely Jennifer Morris who took that photo above. She runs Coastal Magic Convention, volunteers as a moderator on panels at Dragoncon, and blogs. Or Carol Malcolm, the moderator in that pic who runs the Urban Fantasy Track at Dragoncon, runs the Dahlonega Literary Festival, does the Horror Track at Anachrocon, and goes to every book signing in the tri-state area. Every writer I know thinks these women are wonderful people. They always get hugs, and we'll bend over backward to help 'em.

6. Make your website/blog as clean, clear, and professional as possible.

Time for some more tough love: 99% of the time, sidebars full of blog awards turn me off. If your blog auto-plays music, has animation, or has white print on a black background, I immediately X out. Not only because I find these things personally annoying, but also because I assume that if you make these choices, we're not going to see eye to eye on what works. Those are my personal bugaboos, but the commonly accepted advice here is to make the website that represents you as professional-looking, unoffensive, and simple to use as possible. Imagine an agent being interested in your query and clicking on your website link. Are they going to like what they find? Will they be able to easily find your bio? Are they going to see an inflammatory or unprofessional blog post filled with hate or hopelessness? Basically, what someone sees on the landing page of your blog could be what makes them want to work with you... or what makes them X-out and send a form rejection.

7. Name drop-- in the right way.

Name dropping is a slippery slope, my friends. The possible outcomes are:

1. I have not heard of the person's name and am not impressed, and I think you might be a blowhard.

2. I have heard of the person and don't like them, their writing, or their reputation.

3. I have heard of the person and I know them, at which point you must be very, very careful, because I can easily confirm if you are lying.

So if you're trying to gain cred by name dropping, make sure you know what you're doing.

Good: My friend Amazing Writer met you in the bar at the RWA Conference and said you were looking for ghost-themed Romance stories, and he recommended I send you a query. (But it only works if you're actually friends with Amazing Writer and Amazing Writer actually had a conversation with the agent at the RWA Con about ghost Romances.)

Bad: Forgive me for name dropping, but I just spent the afternoon playing golf with Stephen King, and he said my personal memoir about fly fishing was so amazing that he wished he'd written it himself and suggested I send it directly to you in its entirety, skipping your typical 5-page sample. (If you were friends with Stephen King and he read your work and loved it, we all assume that you would be speaking directly with his agent/editor, not sending condescending slush letters, bro.)

That being said, I've made some amazing connections because my friend Writer A said, "Oh, you're going to WriteCon? You MUST meet my friend Writer B!" And I shyly introduced myself to Writer B as a friend of Writer A and we became great friends. If you're name dropping to make a genuine connection with a friend's friend or someone who shares your interests, that's great, as long as you're not assuming that they owe you anything or will instantly give you access to "pick their brain". Which, by the way, is a phrase that terrifies most agents and pro writers, as it's code for "I will tell you my entire book and wait for you to give me a publishing contract," which we can't do.

8. Go to cons and conferences and become a known quantity.

Here is the crux of the matter: whoever you are online, there is no connection as strong as those you will develop hanging out with other human beings and having legitimate conversations in person. I have social anxiety, so I had to learn how to hack this sort of interaction by "meeting" people online, chatting on Twitter or Facebook, and then feeling like they are already friends when I meet them in real life. When people are sitting around a table with drinks, their badges tucked into their pockets, they stop being Amazing Author and start being Ann, the girl who likes Empire better than Jedi. And you stop being That Guy on Twitter and start being Toby, who rescues preemie kittens and is working on an Orc Romance. Of course, you still have to be respectful and not creepy and not treat the bar like a place where you can corner famous writers and bombard them with your pitch, but you know that. Be Toby, Kitten Saver, not Toby, Jesus will this guy ever quit handing out business cards and loudly proclaiming that the world needs more Orc Romance.

9. Read slush.

You get double points for this one, because not only are you helping an agent or magazine find the best stories, but you're also learning a hell of a lot about writing a good query letter and first page. The thing agents truly want to find is a compelling, sellable story by someone who isn't insane, and if you show that you can work well with an agent or editor, you have proclaimed yourself Officially Not Insane with trusted references to back up that claim. And if you're a reader, as all good writers are, you'll get to read tons of great stories and subconsciously pick up tips on becoming a better writer. Win-win-win, as Michael Scott of The Office would say.

10. Become known for something helpful, positive, and uplifting.

The whole point of cred is to get people to trust you by showing yourself worthy of their trust. By adding value, helping out, and being a good person who also happens to be an amazing writer. Just look at Ben LeRoy of Tyrus Books and Be Local Everywhere, one of the best people I know who recently committed to doing community volunteer work in every state. He regularly offers to buy books for people who want to read 'em but can't afford 'em. All that, and he's a great editor and ambassador for books. That's the kind of reputation that draws me in.

The thing is, writing can feel very solitary, even on the internet--just you and your laptop, battling the hordes for some small slice of readership and control. And screw that. You don't have to be alone. It's not just about getting your stories read. For me, the writers I admire most, whose books I want to read and whose social media feeds and blog posts I read without fail-- they're good people who want to help others. Yes, their blogs feed into their readership, but they're not charging anyone for their information. They give back. They donate books. They waive their speaking fees. They volunteer to give critiques for auctions. And I'm not saying that that's what you have to be to find success as a writer, that you must dedicate your life to philanthropy. I'm just saying that if you don't have anything in your bio that counts as writing credentials, you could do a hell of a lot worse than volunteering with a writing organization, running the registration table at a con, or heading a charity auction to get books for an underserved library. Until  you're known for your books, you might as well be known for being a good person that other people are always glad to have around.

11. Have social media interactions that are genuine.

More tough love: Writing professionals can tell when your social media is faked, forced, or bought. If you follow 50k people on Twitter with 49k followers, I know that you aren't genuinely interacting with 50k people and either follow everyone who follows back or paid for some of those followers. If you claim 100 comments a day on your blog but over half of those comments are you, we're not fooled. When you have nothing but 5-star reviews on Amazon from accounts that have only ever reviewed your book, we notice. You can't fake being genuine. It's either there or it's not. If you think such fakery impresses agents, editors, and professional writers, you are only fooling yourself.

But--if you focus on real interactions and conversations, we can see that. If you curate great articles and share them, we appreciate that. If you invite guest blog posts and post reviews and generally seem involved and focused on interacting with other people, it shines through. And just as being real is what we appreciate in our friends, that's what we appreciate online.

***

What else helps someone build cred, for you?

Wait, Keep Talking: Author Self-Promo That Actually Works

So this is basically my social media life. Books, wackiness, friends, words, dogs. No shouting.

So there have been quite a few comments on yesterday's post regarding why self-promotion for authors doesn't work. From the extremely rude tirades--which are summarily deleted, unread-- to the respectfully opposed to the graciously concurring to the downright relieved, it's clear we have a lot of charged feelings on this topic.

I therefore wish to present the sunny side of author self-promotion, or at least what works for me as a reader. If I ever learn what works best for me as a writer, I'll be sure to let you know. Like you, I'm pretty sure there's some big secret that I haven't yet discovered. As of right now, it's all a big experiment, and I try to emulate the authors who charmed my heart and wallet.

1. Being genuine.

This is the most important one. For real.

Just as you can tell when someone's smile is real or forced, one's internet persona reveals the true person behind those tweets. Rants, rages, whines, wheedling, violent superiority-- over time, they turn me off. I know that no one can be positive and upbeat all the time, and it makes an author and their books more real when I know she deals with some of the same challenges I do. But I've noticed that the authors who win my respect and my book dollars are kind and informative, help lift others up, don't punch down, try to pass on opportunities, and show support and encouragement. Beyond that, they interact in ways that are warm and not hurtful, sarcastic, or humorous at the expense of others. They're part of a conversation, not lords on high, tossing down scraps for the rest of us.

2. Adding value.

Several people mentioned this one in the comments of yesterday's post, and I couldn't agree more. Adding value means passing on truly helpful links, retweeting job listings or calls for submissions, wishing someone a happy launch day, recommending books you've enjoyed, discussing the news of the day in a respectful and thoughtful manner, talking about an upcoming event, or generally saying things that make someone's day just a little brighter. Over time, people will begin to trust you as you repeatedly add value to their life. Off the top of my head, such personages that stand out on Twitter are Kevin Hearne, Janice Hardy, Elizabeth S. Craig, Chuck Wendig, Mary Robinette Kowal, John Scalzi, Deanna Raybourn, and Kristen Lamb. If one of these people tweets an article on writing, I almost always go read it because I trust their taste, intellect, and willingness to help others.

Whoever you are, you have something interesting and unique to contribute. You just have to figure out what it is and give yourself time to build a community.

3. Informing without being condescending.

Nothing makes me happier than learning something new, and nothing makes me angrier than being patronized or having someone assume I'm an idiot. There's a huge difference between a writer sharing an article on writing that they found useful vs. someone who tweets me with, "Apparently, you don't understand pronouns. Webster's Dictionary defines a pronoun as..." 

VOMIT.

What you say is as important as how you say it, especially online, where we don't have facial expressions and tone of voice to help out. Before you tweet something that you're really hoping people will notice, like a link to your blog post or an article you found interesting, make sure the wording is uplifting and clear as compared to rude, snarky, sarcastic, or negative.  Here's what I mean:

Would not click: So this n00b writer actually thinks it's ok to put a cat on her head? WTF? That's not real writing!: www.howtowritewithacathat.com

 Would click: Love how this writer incorporates her cat into her writing routine! But I would need a straw for my coffee. Wouldn't you? www.howtowritewithacathat.com

Just like all writing, you want to draw someone in with you, not point fingers, cause hurt feelings, or make yourself into the judge of someone else's worth. Be a co-conspirator in sharing awesome content.

4. Telling us about your book in an interesting way.

What gets me to buy a book is the hook and the writer's voice. I don't care that someone else thinks it's Awesome! Exciting! Compelling! Hilarious! I don't care if you're an Amazon Bestseller who's been writing since he could hold a pencil. I don't care if it's #about #cyborg #ballerina #monkeys. I especially don't want all that combined into a tweet that looks like:

#Reviewers say this #book about #ballerina #monkeys is "Exciting!" | Amazon Bestseller | www.buymybook #ebook #epub

The tweets that make me click book links look more like:

The ballerina monkeys stole the golden orb, and only Horatio the three-legged elephant can solve the mystery. www.buymybook.com

Or, better yet,

I guarantee this is the only ballerina monkey murder mystery book you'll read today. www.buymybook.com #psthedetectiveisanelephant

I want knowledge, cleverness, and something unique that surprises or delights me. Your book should include all of those elements, so why would your tweet be this dull, shouty thing filled with hashtags that no one actually uses to find books?

Let's be honest: Have you ever, a single time, searched for a hashtag and bought a book you found there? I've been on Twitter for six years, and the answers is 100% NOPE. And yet 100% of my book purchases come from Twitter recommendations from people I trust.

5. Doing only the social media that you love.

You can't be all things to all people, and that means that you can't maintain a solid presence on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Pinterest, Reddit, Ello, Tsu, LinkedIn, your blog, and all your favorite forums and also be writing your next book and living your life. Pick what works for you and abandon the rest. Me? I tried Pinterest and ultimately lost interest. I started a street team but am too shy to ask them to do anything. Now I spend my time between writing paragraphs on Twitter, do one post a day on my Facebook Author page, and post a couple of photos on Instagram, if I see something beautiful. Tumblr is something I do when I'm bored and want to take in media. My blog posts are sporadic--for when I have something I need to say. I no longer go to forums. I can't do everything, and I refuse to feel guilty for missing out on some channels or absolutely hating others. If your social media presence is forced or miserable, your connections will notice. There is no shame in abandoning something that makes you miserable.

6. Spreading out your posts to reach a variety of people without seeming repetitive.

The biggest complaint I have about BUY MY BOOK posts is the repetition. Yes, I get that we're all randomly bouncing into Twitter and then popping right back out, but if I click on your profile and see 3 identical BUY MY BOOK links, there's no way I'm following you or trying to engage you. And that's what you're being judged on, every time someone's finger hovers over that FOLLOW button: Of the three currently visible things you've communicated, are we repelled or attracted?

So mix it up. Do a BUY MY BOOK post with a clever hook, then RT some interesting articles, then talk about that show you watched last night (no spoilers!), then show a pic of your beautiful donut and coffee, then link us to your most recent blog post, then chat with friends... and then, four hours later, hit us with a different, targeted, interesting tweet with a book link. I've heard

Look at it this way. You're sitting next to someone on the plane who seems like they might want to chat. Do you just hand them one business card after another, demanding that they buy your book, or do you ask about their job, tell them about your job, ask them about their kids, mention that article you read on motherhood, show them a pic of your baby? What's actually going to have them turning toward you, smiling, instead of facing the window and slipping on earphones?

7. Trying new things. Keep what works for you and forget the rest.

There is a cubic crapton of information on self-promotion and marketing for indie authors, hybrid authors, and traditionally published authors. Some of it is similar; some of it is remarkably different. Some of it is old hat, some is outdated, some is solid, some is new and cutting-edge. The hard part is sorting the wheat from the chaff. Are you listening to someone who has found success and whose books, ideals, and social media presence you admire? Are you taking notes from an agent, editor, or other leader in her field? Or is the person shouting the loudest and the most angrily someone who is having trouble reaching their goals? As for me, I generally only take advice from people who are where I want to be, who can help me navigate the roadmap from where I am to where they are.

That means that everything I've said here might not apply to you--you might disagree with me or have different goals. That's totally fine. I set out to be traditionally published, and I play around with self-publishing on the side, but I am by no means where I want to be yet. One of the problems with success as a writer is that it's difficult to duplicate; publishing is an ever-changing beast, and there is no one checklist for success, no one journey to your dreams. When you find something that brings you success, keep doing it. Improve on it. Hone it. Share it, if you can, with other people hunting for answers. But if you're doing the same thing, over and over again, and not getting any closer, it might be time to step back and try something different.

Maybe you want to experiment with blog tours, online launch parties, giveaways, forums, podcasts, or vlogs. Maybe you have a great new idea for swag or street teams. Go for it! Maybe you'll find the next great pipeline for reader engagement. If it seems promising and fun and you can afford the time and money involved, you owe it to yourself to experiment. If you want to. It's all about enjoying how you interact with writing, media, and fans.

8. Staying positive.

You know what goes well when you're seething with anger and jealousy? Not a damn thing.

If you compare yourself to other writers and their success, you're spending time on something you can't control. If you're on social media, grumbling about her deal or his hitting list or her new agent or that last form rejection, you're not working toward getting those things yourself. Being negative solves nothing. Being negative does not attract people and readers and new opportunities. Emailing an agent to tell them why they're wrong does not make them want to work with you. Staring at Amazon numbers or composing pithy blog comments does not make you a better writer or a better person. Do you think GRRM is Googling himself and arguing with people who don't like his books right now? Nope. He's writing. And/or rolling around in an iron throne filled with money.

How is this self-promo? Because showing your negative side to the publishing world is the opposite of self-promo. It is actively damaging your reputation and your career. Maintaining a professional, courteous, and positive attitude is a big part of connecting with readers online.

9. Writing the next book.

Nothing sells a front list like a back list, and nothing sells a back list like a front list. You have no control over how your message is received, but you do have control over the quality of your books. At any given moment, you can be online messing around, shouting into the void, or you can be writing your next book or short story.

Honestly? This is the biggest one for me. I get really frustrated and jealous, and I can't figure out how to hit list and get invited into big anthologies, and I have to close my browser, take a deep breath, and start writing. The next book is the only thing I can control. So I focus on falling in love with the next idea, developing the plot, crafting characters that you'll have no choice but to fall in love with. You, the writer, are an endless font of ideas and stories. As long as you keep writing them and moving forward, you're doing something great for yourself, your writing, and your career. 

10. Develop genuine social connections.

When I said PLEASE SHUT UP yesterday, a lot of people took that to mean that I wanted writers to take vows of silence, cancel their Twitter accounts, and go live in bookless convents. Not so! I love talking about books, and if you check my social media, you'll see me pimping my books along with everyone else--although I definitely try to follow my own rules. I get a little out of hand on launch day, but that's to be expected.

The point is, I don't want writers to shut up--I want them to shut up about #buymybook, #buymybook, #buymybook. I want writers to stop shouting so hard that they get blocked or muted, that people stop listening altogether. I want writers to stop listening to bullshit advice from #socialmediamarketinggurus who spout out-of-date crap in the hopes that authors will pay for followers because they're so desperate for an audience.

Here's what I want: for writers to keep talking. To each other. 

For writers to stop shouting their wares and start walking over to admire someone else's cart.

For writers to RT ten other peoples' articles and buy links before they pimp their own.

For writers to stop begging for reviews and start looking for books to review, or at least read and tweet about.

For writers at a con to stop building Fort MyBooks on the panel table and start actively engaging with the audience and each other, never beginning a single sentence with, "Well, in MY book..."

For writers to get a query rejection, file it away, forget about it, send out another query, close Twitter, and start writing the next book instead of chewing on that rejection for a week and letting it connect in any way with their own talent and self-worth.

For writers to take the money they were going to pay to enter a contest or buy Likes or print expensive swag and put it toward a writing conference where they'll connect with other writers and receive constructive feedback about how to improve their writing or pitch.

For writers to take joy in the hungry, friendly, curious community around them and start looking for ways to give back, to lift others, to give the compliment that's going to make someone else's week.

The thing is, we shout the most and the hardest when we feel alone and unheard.

And you are not alone and unheard.

Stop shouting and start talking.

Listen, and you'll be heard.

 

Please shut up: Why self-promotion as an author doesn't work.

Optimus Prime loves this book and expects you to buy it. OR THE DOLL DIES.

Let's talk about marketing, shall we?

It's 2012. I'm sitting at a table in the front of the room, a microphone poised to capture my every word. At this local writing conference, I am considered a rock star. Everyone in the audience wants what I have--a three-book contract with a traditional publishing company. Their eyes are hungry, their pens poised over notebooks. We take a question from the crowd.

"How do I build a platform and make money with my blog?" a woman asks.

"Build a time machine and go back to 2005 and start your blog then," I say.

Because it's the truth. In this oversaturated market, the only ways to build a following and profit from it are to have been around for 5-10 years already or to already be famous. The woman sits down, unhappy with my answer. But no one else on the panel has a better one. Because there is no easy answer, no secret to building a following.

Scary, right?

It scares me, too.

From the very beginning of my writing career, I've been told that publishers want a writer to have a brand, a platform, a blog, a built-in army of fans. But that was 2009, and now it's 2015, and that doesn't work anymore. Book blogs become paid services, giveaways become chum pits, conference-goers dump purses full of business cards out in the trash to make room for more free books that they won't read. It is virtually impossible to get your blog seen or your book discovered. We are glutted with information, and yet our answer to "How do I get people to buy my book?" is social media marketing, which is basically throwing more information out into the void.

Why?

1. Because Twitter doesn't sell books.

It is a sad fact that if every one of my Twitter followers--which is 9,631, as of this post-- bought my next book, HIT would hit the New York Times bestseller list. BOOM. Easy. One success like that helps an author with every stage of their career, raising their advances, giving them more bargaining power, and lending them a sort of street cred that even my grouchy Luddite grandfather understands and respects. Looking at my sales numbers, my followers are not following me for the purpose of buying my next book, and that's totally okay. They're probably there for my brownie recipes and #badscarystories. But the point is that whatever a publisher sees when checking my Klout score doesn't necessarily translate into book sales. Whatever form of alchemy causes a person to click BUY IT NOW runs deeper than simply hearing the message every two hours as if the author is an insane cuckoo clock.

2. Because Facebook hides posts for blackmail purposes.

Back in 2007, Facebook was beautiful in its simplicity. You posted something to your personal page or your Fan/Author/Brand page, and everyone who was your Friend or Follower saw it. Since then, however, Facebook has recognized the error of allowing us to speak to our friends for free, and now, of my 1836 Fans, only 3-10% see any given post on the Author page that they have chosen to follow for the express purpose of reading my posts. If I pay $20, I could bump that number up to 30%. I would have better luck randomly mailing postcards to strangers. No matter what I say or how beautifully I say it, my message doesn't reach the people who have asked to hear it.

3. Because people aren't on Instagram to find new books.

I got on Instagram hoping to reach people who prefer beautiful images. As an artist, I love setting up shots, tweaking the exposure, and using filters. But let's be honest. Seeing a beautiful photo of my book sitting on my orange sweater beside a Pop-Tart isn't going to make you go buy that book. Even if you judge a book by its cover, Instagram isn't how people shop for great reads. I get more

4. Because tumblr is not a spectator sport.

I tumbl. I love tumbling. But at 37, I'm practically a corpse over there. I'm not so much part of a vibrant, changing, sharing community as I'm on the sidelines, occasionally curating and adding value but never wanting to be pushy or intrude on the young adult readers I hope to one day call fans. To be honest, inserting myself into convos on tumblr makes me feel like Matthew McConnaughy in Dazed and Confused, when he was the skeever hitting on high school girls. I don't need to be following or addressing teens, but I do want to be around if they're looking for me. In a non-creepy way. That mostly involves retumbling my Instagram pics.

5. Because book reviews are not a place for the author.

I firmly, 100% believe that anyone has a right to express their feelings about my books in any way that they want, and that's one of many reasons why I've removed myself from the realm of reviews. Reading bad reviews makes me feel horrible, and reading good reviews makes me feel creepy and embarrassed. I'm too shy to reach out and ask someone to read or review my book, and approaching book bloggers online out of nowhere feels awkward. Nothing makes me as happy as learning that someone liked one of my books, but I can't go looking for that information. I turned off my Google Alerts forever after a Goodreads review made me uglycry.

6. Because I hate newsletters and hashtag parties too much to inflict them on anyone else.

Seriously. I get so many of these invites from strangers and promoters and people who met me once at a con and now want me to retweet them every hour, and I can't. Y'all, I just can't. I can't go to your book launch party in California. I can't spend an hour when I could be writing just popping in to a virtual party to ask questions and give away $20 worth of my books to your followers. I don't want to do anything "virtual" that involves ending every post with a hashtag. I have never signed up for a newsletter, so why do I get so many of them? And when I unsubscribe, why do they keep on showing up? Do not even get me started on people who add me to Facebook groups without asking. I will see you in hell.

UGH.

Are you seeing the thread here?

Social media is PUSHING.

And today's reader doesn't buy things because the author pushed them.

As a reader, I want a book to pull me.

When I see a book's name pop up again and again among people I trust, I want to read it.

When the cover is beautiful and the hook is compelling, I want to read it.

When I meet the author and they are gracious and kind and insightful, I want to read it.

When I listen in on a panel and like what I hear, I want to read it.

When I chat with someone on Twitter, and they make me laugh and add value to my life, I start to think that their book might add value, too.

None of those things are pushy.

None of them happen *to* me, uninvited.

I don't want to be the object that is acted upon. I want to be the subject that makes a conscious decision, that feels a twinge of curiosity and discovers something amazing. I want to be the person who acts, not the person who is acted upon. I don't want to be badgered and nagged and wheedled and urged and threatened and cajoled and whined at.

Would fishing be fun if the fish jumped out of the ocean and smacked you in the face?

Nope.

And that's what a lot of social media by authors is starting to look like, to feel like: being smacked in the face, repeatedly, by hundreds of fish. Being pushed. Being assaulted and yelled at and chased. Being manipulated and prodded and possibly tricked. 

That's not how you earn readers and friends. Literature is not a #teamfollowback sport. 

Books and social media are both about making a genuine connection.

So if you're a writer who worries as much as I do about online marketing, the best advice I can give you is to chill out and write the next book. To focus your energy on the one thing that's in your control: writing the best book you possibly can. Focus on editing each sentence to make it sing. Focus on helping your publisher craft a great hook and fabulous cover copy.

Spend your energy and time being kind to your colleagues, thanking your publishing team, and making new friends with no expectation that you will eventually use them to claw your way to the top. Before you Friend another writer on Facebook, make sure it's because you legitimately want to know them better and be part of their life and not because you're planning on sending them an Event invitation or a link to your book. If they're smart enough to write a great book, they're smart enough to see through that ploy.

Because here's the secret: None of us know what we're doing, but we're all trying our asses off. We are all hungry.

I went to a panel on How to Write a Bestseller at the RWA conference and asked the two speakers what was the number one contributor to their making the jump from midlist to bestseller, and they both looked very uncomfortable and said, "We just kept on writing." They couldn't point to a single marketing-related action. They sure as hell didn't say, "We sent a lot of auto-DMs on Twitter with our book links in them."

The recipe seems to be GREAT BOOK + HARD WORK + TIME + LUCK.

And the writer can only control three of those things.

I have a book out tomorrow, and I feel like I've done everything in my power to get the word out. And I also feel like what I've done is not enough. And I can't imagine what amount of publicity or work would *ever* feel like enough. There is no road map to success here. Most of the authors seeing the results I would like have either been writing for 20 years, have publishers dead-set on a bestseller and paying mad bank to help it happen, or wrote a book better than what I believe I'm capable of writing, and all I can do is keep trying to level up. One more tweet from me is not going to get HIT on the airport bookseller shelves, and it might just lose a few followers who are sick to death of that teal and blood-spattered cover.

There's a fine line between informative and annoying, assertive and aggressive. 

So let's all stop shouting in a crowd and start having the kind of smaller conversations that actually help us connect as human beings. 

Let's write better books.

Quietly.

Also, BUY MY BOOK.

Just kidding.

Not really.

***Edited to add: If you're currently grinding your teeth at me, check out my own rebuttle: WAIT, KEEP TALKING: Author Self-Promotion That Actually Works. Because I don't actually want you to shut up.*** 

On Fear and Flying (and, yes, Writing)

I took a flying trapeze class today at Trapeze School New York - Washington D.C. This was my second class ever-- there's a video of my first catch at STREB NYC here. And I was scared to death--but not for the reason you might think.

When I took that first class two years ago, I was in the best shape of my life. Working out with a personal trainer twice a week, eating on the slow-carb diet, swinging my kettlebell. I was at my lowest weight and dress size since middle school. I was 35 and brimming with confidence.

Cut to now. In between apartment living, delicious downtown food options, a couple of hefty deadlines, a drug interaction that sent me to the ER, and two months in bed recovering from a broken back, I'm up ten (or fifteen, goddammit) pounds, barely getting exercise, totally out of shape, upset with myself, unhappy with my body, and taking protective measures against constantly threatening panic attacks. To be honest, I almost didn't sign up for this trapeze class because I was scared.

Not scared of falling or getting hurt. Scared of failing.

What if I couldn't get my knees hooked over the bar? What if I was *worse* this time than I was last time? 

Today in the taxi, I thought about what it would be like if I couldn't surpass the tricks I'd learned last time. If I couldn't even accomplish what I'd accomplished then. I could almost imagine the instructors talking to me like a child.

"Good job. You almost got it that time. Let's step back and do less."

You know. Just like the gymnastics instructor told me when I was a kid, right before she suggested that I was too fat to tumble and should probably stop wasting my parents' money.

These days, I'm competitive. I like to push myself. I can't stand being patronized. 

If I couldn't succeed, would it even be fun?

I went anyway. Paid online so I couldn't back out.

When I got there, they asked me what I'd done before and said to do it again. There were 10 people. 5 of them were regulars. Most of them were thinner, in better shape. Was I about to embarrass myself?

I didn't rush to the front of the line. When it was my turn, I put hands on the ladder and thought, "I wish I hadn't done this."

I climbed up and up and up, got to the top of the ladder, and clung to it. I didn't feel that sense of OMG THIS IS AMAZING OMG THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN.

I thought OMG, I AM GOING TO MUCK THIS UP.

But when my hand wrapped around the trapeze....

All the doubts and worries fell away. All the disappointment in myself and body hatred was gone. It was just me and the trapeze, and they said, "Ready! Hup!", and then I was flying.

When I'm on the ground and the instructor explains what I'm supposed to do, it makes utterly no sense to me. Kind of like if someone told you, in the language of Calculus and Physics, how to catch a softball by calculating the arc mid-throw, you (probably) wouldn't understand it, yet when the softball is hurtling toward your head, you can catch it easily. On the ground, I feel clumsy and slow. But in the air and in the water and on horseback... I'm magical.

All that stinkin' thinkin' I had earlier? Was wrong. I did great. I did everything I was able to last time, when I weighed 15 pounds less and had guns. I learned a new trick. I succeeded at both catches. I had a great time.

That's the thing about fear. FEAR LIES.

Fear tells you that you shouldn't do something because you might fail, because you're too old, because you're an underdog or don't have the right credentials. Fear tells you that failing is the end instead of the beginning. Fear tells you it's better not to try, to remain complacent and safe and never take chances. Fear says you shouldn't take the class or climb the ladder. And all of that? Is a lie.

Back when I wrote my first book, I was terrified of querying. What if the book was awful? What if the agents thought I was an idiot? What if I went through every agent on the planet and couldn't find representation? The first time I hit SEND on a query, I was fairly certain the laptop was going to blow up.

Turns out, I received my first form rejection within one minute.

I did not blow up.

I sent out the next query.

I sent queries to every agent on my list. I got some full requests, but ultimately, I had to accept that that book wasn't good enough. But that didn't mean I'd failed. That meant that it was time to write the next book.

Failure is part of the system. There is a good chance your first book sucks. You are probably querying too early. You're going to get rejected. And that's how you learn. That's how you level up. That's how you become a better writer and a stronger person.

The only failure is when you give up.

It might take years. You might have to write several books. You might even get so far as to nab an agent and then fail to sell your book on submission. But that is not failing. Failing is when you stop writing. When you stop learning. When you do nothing. When you don't show up in the first place.

So take it from the girl with the bruised knees and the huge smile: DO THE THING.

Take the class. Go to the con. Send the query. Write the next book. Don't let fear lie to you. Don't let failure scare you.

Find what makes you fly.

Also, you might want to buy my next book, HIT. It's out next Tuesday. You're gonna love it.

HIT ME. Wait, don't. Let me sign HIT for YOU.

My next YA hardcover, HIT, is out on April 14, and I want to draw a fat Labrador in your copy!

If you check out my EVENTS page, you can always see where I'm going to be. I have 5 HIT signings in April alone-- 3 in the Virginia/DC area with some other rad authors, 1 in Atlanta with a writing workshop, and 1 in North Carolina. Then I'll be in San Antonio in May and Phoenix in June.

Don't let that post about authors being assholes scare you. At book events, my social anxiety fades away, and I will be super happy to see you and ply you with cupcakes, swag, and signatures. Come see me!

8 Reasons Why Authors Are Assholes

Whenever I get home from an event, I worry that I was somehow an asshole, or that I messed up, or that I disappointed a reader or potential fan. I mentioned this issue on Twitter and Facebook, and my feeds BLEW UP, which tells me that many people feel this way on *both* sides of the panel table. 

Authors are not perfect, and I've had plenty of books ruined for me after sub-par interactions with their writers. And that's why I'd like to talk about why an interaction can go wrong.

Note: Kevin Hearne is immune to this list because he's the nicest person on the planet.

1. THE AUTHOR IS AN ACTUAL ASSHOLE.

Sorry not sorry, but some people suck. I have been treated horribly by authors who have utterly no excuse for their behavior, and when (non-asshole) authors drink and talk, the same names come up over and over again. The good news is that... it's not your fault. Some people are just assholes, and authors are no exception.

2. THE AUTHOR IS AN INTROVERT OR SHY.

This is me! I have Chronic Resting Bitchface. I can't introduce myself to people. I never want to bother someone or make them uncomfortable. So if you are shy and kind of hover around me, and I don't recognize you, I might avoid eye contact and check my phone. I am not one of those people who will wave at you and urge you to pick up my book or bookmarks. I will stare at the table and wait until you walk up to it and say something specifically to me because I would never want to pressure you to, say, be within twenty feet of me against your will. I am not a hard seller. This is one of my personal flaws that I am trying to fix.

But!

Once you establish that I know you via social media, that you've read my books, or that you are even vaguely interested in my books or a shared fandom, we can be buddies forever. It's just rare that I will instigate a conversation with a stranger. Because I am terrified of strangers. 

3. THE AUTHOR IS HAVING A MAJOR PROBLEM.

I've been at events and gotten a text that my grandmother was in the hospital or my dog had escaped or that something went wrong with a book, and that makes it extra hard to focus on fan interaction and answer panel questions with anything approaching grace. I've been at events and recognized the first stages of a cold or the flu, and even if I start pounding Vitamin C and water, I don't want to touch anyone for fear of passing on germs. I went to RT with hemorrhagic conjunctivitis and could barely see. So, sometimes, an author isn't being an asshole so much as fighting an internal fight or worrying about a loved one, all while 600 miles from home and antibiotics and trying to put on a brave face in public.

4. THE AUTHOR IS WITH THEIR FRIENDS.

This one always worries me, because I've been the nobody snubbed by a clique, and I never want to be the snubber. I've been the shy kid, the bullied kid, the friendless kid. I've been that person at a con who knows absolutely no one and can't seem to squeeze into a circle of conversation. And yet I know that, at some point, I'll be hanging with some of my best friends to the exclusion of others and I might not even know it. These days, my very best friends are writers I only get to see a couple of times a year, and most of our relationship happens online, and when I actually get to see them, I am giddy with joy and focused on them. And if someone is hovering outside that circle, I might not notice it, and I hate that.

So if you approach me at the bar or restaurant and I'm geeking out on hanging with friends and not "on" in a public space, you might think I'm an asshole, and I'm sorry if that ever happens. This is why most authors try to firmly establish times when we're available to readers and the public-- book signings, author tables, Drinks with Authors events-- vs. times when we're not scheduled for anything and have clocked out in the corner with a large drink and besties.

5. THE AUTHOR IS RUNNING LATE.

This happens a lot at Dragoncon and other huge, sprawling cons. A panel will run five minutes over, and that gives me twenty minutes to fight a crowd of 80k people uphill for four blocks or risk being late to the next panel and ruining my reputation with the track director. But a reader wants to talk to me after the first panel, and I want to give them the experience they want, all the while watching the clock count down to an established commitment. I try to let people know when our interaction might be truncated, but I know that I still mess it up sometimes. This is one reason why I try to go to smaller cons and festivals, too-- we have more time for a personal conversation. For Dragoncon, I have 12 panels in three days, while for the Dahlonega Literary Festival, I have 3 panels in three days. You can imagine which event will give you more real, honest, unhindered time with your favorite authors.

6. THE AUTHOR HAS TAKEN OFFENSE.

Sometimes, the author is not the asshole. Does that sound dickish? Probably. But if you open a conversation with, "I had some problems with your book," or "I hated the ending," or "YA is stupid," or "I found some typos, and I think you need better editing," or, "You're ruining my genre," or, God help you, "Will you read my book and give it to your editor?", chances are, I'm not going to be super psyched to talk to you.

And it's happened! All of it! For real!

Great friendships don't start out with unsolicited criticism. No one wants to be confronted by a stranger about something they can't change. Even if you have valid complaints about me, my clothes, or my work, in person and at a public event is not a great way to communicate it, especially if you want the conversation to become chummy. So let's be pals based on positivity and squeeing, and then nobody has to be an asshole.

Also, if you've talked shit about me (or my friends) online or on a panel, chances are... I remember it.

7. THE AUTHOR IS OUT OF SPOONS OR HANGRY.

Being "on" all day is challenging, and that's before you add in travel, time zones, jet lag, sleeping in a different place, writing deadlines, and the aftermath of the bar. Most cons or festivals have the writers heavily scheduled with panels, meal events, parties, signings, readings, and receptions. Even if you see a huge, gaping hole in a writer's posted schedule, they may have a two-hour lunch with an editor or a series of podcasts that will leave their vocal chords shredded and their brain mushy. When you say hi and they stare straight through you as they tug a bag of books through the halls, it might be that they've forgotten how words work. Your best bet for a great interaction is after a lively panel or during the day, as by 11pm, most writers are zombies.

Also, if they were booked through lunch and haven't eaten in eight hours, you won't want to get between them and food. Just sayin'.

8. THE AUTHOR IS HAVING FEELS.

Every writer has at least one horror story about a panel that went insane. I had one major SFF writer call me some ugly names for writing Romance. I had a traditionally published friend get viciously attacked for his stance on agents. I had another friend who was called a whore for not going indie. I've seen panelists so talked over and mansplained that they left in frustrated tears. What happens on a panel can get out of hand, and that leaves a writer amped up on adrenaline and/or rage and anxious to leave and find a safe space to get their shit together. If you encounter a writer in the hall after such a panel, you're not going to get a friendly, charismatic person who makes good eye contact-- you're going to get a haunted person with wet eyes who's shaking and looks like they're trying to escape a bear. And let me tell you--it can be hard to find the words to say, "Excuse me, but I just got publicly humiliated and want to go to my room and cry," when that's how you're feeling. 

IN CONCLUSION

Nothing makes an author as happy as finding a new reader at an event or meeting a fan who connected with our books. And most authors will be legitimately upset if they learn they've inadvertently hurt your feelings and will want to make it right. 

If I ever botch an interaction with you, please let me know so that I can avoid doing so in the future-- or find you at the event and hug you and give you swag. As I mentioned in this post on how to interact with authors, if you tell me your Twitter name or how else I might know you, I will go from shy and frightened like a bunny to snuggling you like a koala. I'm so grateful for everyone who approaches me at an event, and I'm doing my best to get over my social anxiety and give you the interaction you deserve.

What kind of geek am I? The kind that has to defend herself too often.

That's me, right now, in my Leia shirt. And I am vexed, geeky friends.

*puts on rantypants, complete with Corellian bloodstripes*

I have ranted on the problem of being a geek girl before, but I shall now rant about the ongoing issue that combines geek gatekeeping and the joys of sexism. Because the first tweet in my timeline today was someone asking me what kind of geek I am.

Never mind that this information is readily available on my website, which is conveniently linked from my Twitter account and doesn't even involve Google. Never mind that scrolling through a few of my tweets or photos will inform you. Never mind that geekery is about sharing love of stuff instead of challenging people who have, most likely, suffered for that love.

Can you imagine some Twitter rando asking John Scalzi what kind of geek he is?

No. No, you cannot.

Because this wasn't someone who was genuinely curious. Not someone who wanted to geek out with me.

And that's why I came up with this:

Because, out of curiosity, I told this person a few of my geekdoms. And this person then told me they didn't like two of my fandoms and then offered to fuck me.

Let's step back a moment here. Let's break this down.

Dude: I am a geek. You will now tell me why you are a geek, and I will judge you.

Girl: I am a geek because I like these geeky things.

Dude: The things you like suck. How about we have sex?

And, yeah, I get that there are clueless and clumsy people out there, but what the actual hell?

Here's the thing: Geekdom is not an easy place for a woman. We have to constantly prove ourselves. Every day that I step out in a geeky shirt, which is almost every day, someone points at my chest and says, "Do you even know who/what that is?" With the implication that I'm just doing it for attention from geek guys, I guess?

I was wearing this Leia shirt the day my MacBook died, and I went to Best Buy for a replacement, and the sales guy said, "Star Wars *and* Apple, huh?" and snorted and shook his head sadly as if to imply I was wearing a shirt and throwing money at a pricey, geekpopular laptop just to show off for him, and he wasn't falling for it. And I wanted to scream, YES, YOU ASSHOLE, BECAUSE I LOVE STAR WARS AND I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF EDITING A FANTASY FOR ORBIT BOOKS. I AM REAL. I AM NOT A SEX ROBOT IN A GEEK COSTUME. 

To take it a step further, here are the different ways it could play out:

1. I get yelled at for not being nice.

Guy: So what kind of geek are you?

Me: The kind who's sick of answering this question.

Guy: FUCK YOU, YOU BITCH. I BET YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE ARCHER.

2.  I get yelled at for not being insecure.

Guy: So what kind of geek are you?

Me: The awesome kind who loves tons of geeky stuff.

Guy: Wow. Stuck up much, bitch?

3. I get skewered for not knowing obscure facts.

Guy: So what kind of geek are you?

Me: *lists ALL THE FANDOMS*

Guy: OK YOU SAY YOU LIKE BATTLESTAR? FINE. SO WHAT WAS STARBUCK WEARING IN EPISODE FOUR WHEN SHE WALKED BY APOLLO IN THE CAF? IF YOU DON'T KNOW, YOU'RE A FAKE GEEK. GO DIE IN A HOLE.

In short, there is no way to win. Even if you block someone, they just assume they won because they forced you to take an action and/or you're avoiding them.

Can you imagine me stuck in an elevator at Phoenix Comicon with Nathan Fillion, and I say, "You say you're a geek, but outside of Firefly, do you watch ANY SCIFI?"

Nope.

But if I wear my "GEEK" shirt to Dragoncon, this happens every time I'm stuck in any elevator with anyone. While I'm wearing a Guest badge. At Dragoncon.

My point here is that everyone gets to label themselves in any way they choose, and how someone else labels themselves is utterly none of your business. If you legit want to geek out with someone, ASK THEM WHAT THEY LIKE in a way that doesn't imply testing and judgment. If they're a public figure, Google them or check their website, or just scroll through their feed to see if you share interests. Seriously, at least once a day, I quote Star Wars, Community, Empire Records, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. I'm not hiding it. 

If you want to engage with someone, do them the bare minimum of courtesy in assuming that their job is not to stop their day and list shit for you. Girls, guys, public figures, strangers. Everyone has the right to like what they like without you being a dick about it.

And, this goes without saying: Remember that every conversation is not foreplay.

Challenging someone doesn't help you connect with them. It puts them on the defensive and changes the power differential from TWO GEEKS GEEKING OUT to LORD GEEK AND THE GROVELING SERF. And that is never, ever the start of a beautiful friendship, much less the hot monkey sex you so crave.

Geeks are smart. If you want to chat one up, much less bed them, don't be a dick.

If you want to talk to a geek girl, treat her like a human being and an equal.

Even if we're dressed as Slave Leia, remember that we have the highest hit ratio in the trilogy.

/endrant

 

DO THE THING, or Further Thoughts on Goals and Kicking Ass