Y. Correa's Blog, page 3
June 9, 2021
Still Mad? Well, yeah!
I wanna be like ....
So since I am doing my own little version of Personal Shadow Work, let me list the things I am still mad at. Maybe in that way I can start to let shit go.
Be advised, this shit is probably gonna be deep.
Why? Because deep wounds, leave deep scars.
Following is a list of things I am still mad at in no particular order. Most of this shit I've been holding on to for years. Some of it is still kinda new-ish.
The younger, more fucked up version of my mom. The version of her that was dysfunctional, addicted to all kinds of stuff, abusive, neglectful, and mentally unstable in all kinds of ways. Also the version of her that got so sick that she depended on the little girl version of me to be her care giver when it was supposed to be the other way around. Furthermore, she was supposed to protect me and she didn't. This made me have to grow up way before my time. It was unfair and I am still mad at that shit.The younger version of my dad. The one who drank and gambled his life away and failed to be the dad that I needed during a tumultuous childhood. I am mad at the version of him that failed to do his due diligence as a father when I had no one else.I'm mad at the younger version of me. The one that cried her nights away. The one that suffered in silence. The one that swallowed her fears, and drank her tears. I am mad at the child that grew up far too soon for the sake of her maladjusted parents.I am mad at the community that failed me. At a time in my later childhood when my family turned to the church for safety and restoration, all we got was a church that was nothing more than a cult in hiding which hurt us more than words can say in the name of God. This infuriates me still. I am livid beyond measure at that sole fact. I'm irate at the damage they did and the way they hid behind holy veils. I even hate them for it.I'm mad at the men I trusted and opted to love in my life. I am mad at the damage they did to me. I am mad at the fact that I believed in them and put my life, my love and my trust in their hands and they took advantage of me. They damaged me. They broke me. They trampled on my heart and never so much as apologized. They caused me so much mental-emotional damage that I am still trying to overcome it and I am finding very hard to.I am mad at the life that was taken from me and the people that usurped it without a second thought. They took what was mine like it belonged to them all along. I am furious at all the hard work I put into that life, and they robbed me of it.I am mad at the way my eldest daughter abandoned me. When all I wanted was the best for her, when I just needed to heal, and needed her to understand that we were BOTH trying the heal, she turned on me and left. I am mad that she picked him over me. I am mad that to this day she still picks him over everything and everyone, no matter what manner of damage he does to her.I am mad at the employers who took advantage of my passion and dedication to use me, abuse me and then kick me to the curb whilst rubbing my name through the dirt. To this day I still have nightmares about it. And I find myself from time to time wishing all of the worst upon them.I am furious that I've lost my optimism. I'm irate that I have lost the part of me that was my signature, the part of me that made me who I am. I've lost all hope, enthusiasm, and silver-lining idealism.I'm furious at all the people in this world that continuously trying to take advantage of others. Those self-centered, egotistical, narcissistic, ego-maniacs that can't see past the tips of their noses and can't think past their own agenda.Sometimes, the weight I bear makes me feel like I am actually mad at the whole world. I know I am not, but that's what it feels like.
I don't want to be mad anymore. I don't want to hurt about these things any more. I want to recuperate the me that existed before all the pain—the core of me that was full of liveliness and light. I want to bring light upon the world and show others that pain does not have to define who you become. How can I do that if I can't let go of the anger?I want to break the cycle. And I want to do that starting today.
June 8, 2021
Accounta-fucking-bility
That; I'm fucking taking it.
Today I am taking accountability for the things that I potentially fucked up because of my fears, trauma, and personal disfunctions. Stand by, there may be a lot of them. Who know, there may only be a few. I don't fucking know since I'll be jotting them down as they come to me.
1. Damaging my kids. I fucked them up good. I tried the best I could with what I had and what I knew—God knows I did. But that obviously wasn't enough to give them the firmament they needed to make better choices and have better lives. For that I am profoundly sorry. More than words can say. So much that it hurts.
2. Relationship with good men. All I've ever wanted was to be happy with a good man that was my compatible equal. However, my trauma, my fears and my personal disfunctions made it so that I fucked up any chances of finding that. I personally ruined it whenever I did find a good man with great relationship potential because of the "what ifs" that never came.
3. My relationship with my extended family members. Yes, it is true that I have always been the black sheep of the family. There is no doubting that. But perhaps I could have tried a little harder. Maybe I could have given a bit more effort. I let fear and personal disfunction, not to mention, my views of my place inside the family unit dictate the way I maneuvered within them. So much so that I distanced myself completely from them.
4. My self-esteem. God damn, this is a hard one for me. I done fucked up my self-esteem so bad that I don't even know where to begin. I messed myself up in that way sooooooo hard that no manner of "reversing trauma and negative talk" has helped. I'm so damn jacked up in this subject that I may need some professional help with it. Like, facts. How did I do that, you are probably wondering? Because I listened more to the people who talked ill of me than to those who praised me. That's how. I could have just as easily done it the other way around.
Accounta-fucking-bility, that's what this post is all about today. Sorry for all the bad language, but not really. That's just me. Take it or leave it.
Bye!
Journal Entry 6/8/2021
I don't do these often, so when I do they are important. At least to me. In the end, that's all that matters.
So anyone that really knows me, knows this. I deeply and passionately hate sounding cliché. There is nothing about cliché behaviors that appeal to my eclectic persona. Not a thing. Hence, when I say what I am about to say, it comes from a place of profound meditation and understanding.
There I was just minding my bees wax, having just jumped out of the shower and getting ready for my morning routine, when it just dawned on me .
Yup, I said it, it just dawned on me .Now that the cliché is out of the way, let's continue.
I was actually caught up in a barrage of thoughts that sort of interconnected. Lots of them. They went something like this ....I can't recall the first thought.Recollection of past conversations about love/romance/companionship.Thoughts about any potential future suitors.Thoughts of "falling in love" again.Thoughts of "Nope, I can't put myself in that position ever again. It would make me vulnerable and susceptible to pain and heartbreak."Thoughts of, "But you know what, if I even suspected that the dude were going to leave me because of reasons A, B, C and so on, I would drop his ass before he could say 'Why?' anyway. Fuck that shit. Men don't leave me anymore, I leave them."Then that was followed by, "Holy shit. 😦" I just realized that I got scared of being axed. I just realized that that is the rhetoric of a person with issues. Bad ones . The whole, "I'll leave them before they leave me" crap.In the instant, all of the aforementioned ran through my brain simultaneously with the recollection of all of the people that abandoned me. All of it . It just came rushing to the forefront. The pain the abandonment caused, the whole shebang. I also realized that when I care about someone, I hold on tight as fuck because I don't want them to leave me."Holy shit, Jazz," I thought, "that's the thought process of a person with abandonment issues!""Holy fucking shit Jazz, you have abandonment issues!" I said to myself.So that was it.However, now that I know this, I can address it. I can find a way to work on it, heal it, learn how to trust, how to hope, how to move forward and all that. As of today I've made myself some promises and I plan on working on them every day until I get back to a place where I find the inner peace I am seeking.
Okay, that's it. Bye!
January 21, 2021
"Reversal" is Released!
What else can we say, but,
“It's the official release day”?It’s really exciting to start the new year off on a high note, regardless of all of the chaos surrounding us in this day and time.I feel like there isn’t much to be said, so I am going to let the story speak for itself.
Humanity in Retrograde
In this retro-futuristic era, the old look and reproduce as if in the prime of their lives. The babies delivered into this world—sickly, fighting for every second to have a slim chance of survival. To turn this existence on its heels, it requires something … or someone … Special.
When a healthy baby is discovered by Nurse Celestine, she makes it her mission to protect what she believes is a well-kept secret.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long for the observant Nurse Trudy to put the pieces together to utilize for her personal gain as well as orchestrate Nurse Celestine’s ruin. Can Nurse Celestine succeed in combating the determined Nurse Trudy, or will all that is special be exposed and possibly destroyed? Find out in Reversal.
Beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep; first in dots then in dashes. The sound carried a cadence of absolute fear which could give any person goosebumps—that river of icy-hot pimples that ran all over one’s body. Yet the screeching of the monitor’s blaring was far louder than the unhealthy baby that attempted to cry its woes. His voice was as decrepit as his leathery, bony flesh.Nurse Juliette was an excessively feminine, soft-spoke Asian woman with the tiny frame. Blue-black hair fell to her waist, and Juliette’s spotless face was softly made up.“Sh, sh, sh. There, there, little one. It’ll all be over soon, I promise. Mommy already knows that you’ll be going to a better place,” whispered Nurse Juliette who was sitting next to his cradle. She gently shook the child’s puny legs. Nurse Juliette’s tone was void of emotion, as though this were an everyday occurrence.In all actuality, it was.In complete opposition to the old-looking, ailing child was Nurse Juliette whose stature was strong, young, healthy and … well, perfect. So was the child’s mother and father who both waited for the news of his fate from their hospital room.And, just as Nurse Juliette swayed the hardly sobbing yet profusely ailing child, the infant took in a sharp lungful and exhaled his last breath.“Ahh, poor child,” Nurse Juliette concluded, then proceeded to get out of her seat to pick up the phone. “Nurse Celestine? Yes? Good. Please advise the Smithson family that the child has passed.”“Certainly,” replied the voice on the opposite end. Neither one of the voices even remotely somber.
January 20, 2021
"Reversal" Tour Day 3
We're almost there!
One more blog post before the big "Release Day". In the meantime, as we count down, here is my Day 3 Post.
Main Character Connectivity: Albert, Celestine, and Trudy
I’ve never been the type of writer to sit inside a mold of any kind. I’ve always written in a way that blurs genres, lines, and character makeup.
In a typical story the two main characters—Albert and Celestine—would either be related or have some sort of romantic connection, whether it was reciprocated or not.
I, however, believe that in real life that isn’t always the case. In real life, things aren’t just black and white.
Thus, when mimicking real life via its fictional mirror, it’s important to stay true to certain elements. Blurred lines is one of them.
I was asked, “Why aren’t Albert and Celestine an item?”The answer is, “Who says they aren’t, but also, who says they are?”I wanted to leave that up for interpretation; I wanted the reader to speculate.Were they really romantically interested in each other, were they just friends, was it something else? Something more?
No one knows. In the end, it doesn’t matter. Because romance is not the point of the story anyway.
The point of the existence of Celestine and Albert is to tell you the story that truly matters … the story of “Reversal”.
Speaking of blurred lines … let’s talk a little bit about Trudy.
Who is Nurse Trudy and why is she so dead set on getting Celestine busted in the first place?
Why, that’s the big question?
In my mind, when writing “Reversal”, I thought of the iconic Hardboiled novels of the 50s, 60s, and 70s. In those stories, in those days, a villain was a villain just because he/she was. There was no real reason or substance to the person … they just liked being bad.It beckons the thought of how some people just love drama. They seem to thrive on it.
However, during the writing of the story, as it got deeper, things changed. Trudy was no longer a villain just for the sake of it, she was a person with purpose. She was a person who not only thrived on the drama, but did it because it meant something to her.Then an image came to mind--one that I might write more about someday in the future in the form of a short story.The image was that of Trudy and Celestine in Nursing school at the same time. Studying together, socializing together, the works. In time, the quintessential “turning of tides” visits their doorstep. Celestine begins to excel at what she does, whilst Trudy remains the underdog; never to meet the standard that Celestine embodies naturally. Thus, a long and deliberate plan is put into action by Trudy. A plan of redemption. She would prove that Celestine isn’t as perfect as everyone thinks she is.Years later, they both find themselves in the world of “Reversal”, a world replete with happenstances which call out to Trudy that now is the time for her reprisal.
Celestine is now in a situation where she can only call upon the one person that’s been a mainstay in her life … Albert.
Thus the ties of blurred lines and incomprehensible connections come to life. All because of a single miracle.A Special miracle.
See y’all tomorrow for the official book release! I can hardly wait to share it with you all.
Y. Correa
January 19, 2021
"Reversal" Tour Day 2
Welcome to Day 2 of the Reversal blog tour.
When the location and setting is also a character
Yup, you heard me right. Today I am going to talk about how the location and setting of “Reversal” is also a character in the story. Or at least, that’s how I see it.
Open your mind and let me take you on a trip into the impossible.
Over one hundred years from now a society exists that is living in a reversed reality.
This is not a dystopian future, but the future thereafter. It’s a time when humanity has rebuilt the devastation that destroyed reality as humanity knew it. But, in this time, everything is old, because old is new.
Picture being so far into the future that people are living in a replica of the past. A 1950s replica to be exact.
Underneath all of the vintage allure of this world, one can still find the rubble of a world that once was. Things that exist in our time; things like flying drones, for example. Even cars like 1950s Chevys exist. How strange is that? Wide cars with benches instead of chairs. In the hospitals, the supplies and procedures are a combination of very old and very new. Imagine syringes that are made of metal and glass, but protocol that is modern. Doctors wear two-piece suits under their coats and nurses all have white uniforms and hats. All this, but science is advanced and miraculous.
Here, in the world of Reversal, things seem ominous. Even the sun doesn’t glow in a way that illuminates nature, but rather scarcely glows at all. It’s cold, dreary and feels isolating. So much so, that there seems to be a perpetual cloud of obscurity that encompasses the entire planet.
In this upside-down world, even evolution is put to question as the forward movement of evolution has been regressed. Now, the universe evolves backwards.
In a romantic way of saying it, I would say that “What once was, is again. and what is now, may no longer be.”
So how does the setting and location play into the whole concept of the story as a character?
Well, because though seemingly mute, it has its own voice.The echo of the world reverberates throughout the entire plot of the story. It transmutes the dilemmas of the human characters and speaks of a place and time that are tangible. Because it is foreseeable, it is relatable, it is something we know but also something we’ve never seen.
The setting and the location, speak to me. I hear its voice when I read the story. I can only hope that you have that very same experience.
Until next time.
Y. Correa
January 18, 2021
"Reversal" Tour Day 1
Lately it feels like "Blog-Tours-R-Us' around here, but honestly, I'm not complaining.
Why? Because this time it's my turn. I'm so happy to share some tidbits of my newest story which will be released in just a few day, called "Reversal".
Sit back, have a cocktail and enjoy!
What was the inspiration behind the Reversal concept?
Coincidence or destiny?
That’s the question I ask myself when it comes to the birth of “Reversal”.
To this day, I honestly don’t know which one it was. But after having completed the story, I’ve come to believe that I was meant to write it all along. So, perhaps it was destiny.
I guess, like with all stories, we should start at the beginning ….
One day, as per usual, I was chatting with my good friend and fellow author A. Lopez Jr. , who’d consequently just woken up. As I routinely did, I asked how he was doing, although I already knew that he was groggy and tired.That’s when he shared with me the fact that he’d had a “sort of bad dream”. He shared that in the dream time was going backwards and people were dying young; he was among those people.The conversation went a little something like this;
Me: That would make a fantastic story. You should write it down.A.: Naw, I am working on too many projects as it is. But you’re right, it would make a good story.Me: Then maybe just jot down the concept this way it could be something that you could come back to later.A.: No, I don’t think it’s my story to tell. You take it.Me: Me? No, I couldn’t do that! That would be stealing.A.: It’s not stealing if I am giving it to you. It’s yours, take it. Write the story.
Immediately my mind flooded with the premise of the story—the ins and outs of how that world could function, the myriad things that could happen. More than that, the richness of the location and time setting.The conversation continued between A. and me, and we went back and forth for some time about how that story would and could work.Finally, he says, “See? I knew it was yours.”I smiled. I was grateful for his confidence in my ability to narrate the richness of the story.He finished with, “It’s called ‘Reversal’.”“‘Reversal’ it is!” I responded.
I am not altogether done. This doesn’t end with an immediate “happily ever after”.
You see, although I started to write the story that very day it took me three years to finish. “Reversal” was a rollercoaster ride to get done. I mean, like, for real.I’d find myself in these moments of mental debate ….
I don’t know if I am doing this story justice.Dear God, it sucks ass!What the fuck am I thinking?Should I delete everything and start over?Naw, I hate it. I’m dumping it.Wait, this story is pretty damn good. Let me try to add a little more to it.I love this story. Bad! Ass!I totally need to finish this thing, like, right away.😟 Sheesh, what am I thinking? It sucks! I’m gonna delete it.But I can’t delete it, A. is counting on me!Damnit! 😖
Round and round the mental rollercoaster went for several years. Until the beginning of 2020. At the beginning of the year I said to myself, “If I don’t achieve anything else this year, I am at least going to finish ‘Reversal’ ... good, bad or otherwise.”Enter 2020, slowly but surely I would add a little bit to the story. A line here, when I could. A line there, when I could, and so it went.Until November 2020.Enter NaNoWriMo.Now, for many, many years I was not the biggest advocate of NaNoWriMo. I have several reasons why. Truthfully, I’m still not that big of an advocate of it. But I said to myself, “I think I am going to dedicate some NaNoWriMo time to ‘Reversal’, but I’m gonna do it MY way.”By “my way” I was referring to it being a “relaxed” challenge. There was a reason for it. I have been working two jobs for several months, so I knew that I couldn’t dedicate all the time in the world to writing during the month of November, but whatever writing I did do it would be on “Reversal”.So with the plan well in order, I embarked.I was blessed enough to have written the majority of the story during November 2020, although I did not complete it by the end of the month. However, the vast amount that I did add paved the way for me to complete the story at the end of the first week of December.I was so proud, but also, admittedly torn.
Did I not do the story justice in the rush to finish it? Did I cut corners and in turn produce a less than favorable story? Honestly, I didn’t know how I felt about it. I was a hop, skip and jump away from deleting it altogether.In lieu of disposing of the story, I opted to share it forward. Perhaps someone else’s opinion would help settle my angst.
In comes my Ace, author Queen of Spades. “Queen,” I said, “here is the deal. I am this close to dumping it. I need you to read it and give me the plain and simple facts. Cold, hard, and all that.”“Okay,” she responded willingly.
Days later, I was drumming my fingers on a table waiting to hear something back. Like, anything. She was doing the Poker Face like a pro. I couldn’t get an inch or a mile from her. Nothing.At least, until she was good and ready.
The day she was done reading the story, she was as quiet as a church mouse for the majority of the day. Anxiously, I shook my feet and waited. She was torturing me, I assumed.Then, at the end of the day, it came.“Well Y.,” she said, “It’s a super compelling and great story. I loved it.”
I squinted, hardly able to believe it.“I’m serious. It’s awesome. It was great. As a matter of fact, I can see a second part.”“Whoa, whoa, whoa, let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” I retorted, chuckling.
“I had a hard enough time writing this part. I doubt we’ll be having a second part.” 😄
+++
Stay tuned tomorrow when I share the Location and Setting of “Reversal” with you all.
January 11, 2021
Today is the day! It's out!
Greetings everyone!
Before we proceed with the official cover reveal and book release of Concordant Vibrancy 5: Extancy, All Authors Publishing House would like to thank our supporters and all of the outstanding authors who have participated in the Concordant Vibrancy collection. The thoughtfulness and creativity put forth on each theme question will mark Concordant Vibrancy’s place as literature that will transcend time.
For information on all things Concordant Vibrancy, please peruse its website: https://www.concordantvibrancy.com
With a proud and heavy heart, All Authors Publishing House presents the final installment of the Concordant Vibrancy collection, entitled “Extancy”.
Eight exceptional talents intermingle to share their interpretations on the following question: “What intangible elixir is paramount to one’s survival?”
C. Desert Rose expands on the elixir of Awareness in her essay "Frequencies Towards Illumination".Carol Cassada outlines the amount of Strength to tackle the medically unexpected in "Caregiver".Beem Weeks explores the swiftness of Adaptation in his story "Five Minutes".Da’Kharta Rising elicits dark humor and strange situations as the ingredients for Felicity in "The Unmasking".Adonis Mann illuminates the subjectivity of Unity in "Axis … Redefined".All Optimism needs is a window of opportunity to flourish, as demonstrated in Synful Desire’s tale, "Rome’s Debris".Evolution is an intangible necessity through the many reincarnations showcased in "The Itinerant" by Queen of Spades.The synergy of the aforementioned elements from Concordant Vibrancy I - IV are given lives of their own through "Soul Searching" by Y. Correa.
January 10, 2021
Blog Tour Day 9
Coming full circle … that was the most predominant feeling I got from the completion of “Concordant Vibrancy 5: Extancy.”
I feel like I have so much to say but I am finding it difficult to express.
The “Concordant Vibrancy” project was, in retrospect, executed with expediency. At the time it was being created things felt eternal, now that we’ve come to the end of the road, the time invested feels minute.
I am certain of one thing, however, the shelflife of this collection will be perpetual. The words encrypted within its pages, historic.
This is something that could not have been done without the participants. It was their skills, their wordsmithing, that led to the footprints made by Concordant Vibrancy.
I will never, ever, forget how much this project meant to me.
Now to answer some questions.
What prompted you to be a part of the Concordant Vibrancy concept? Which Concordant Vibrancy books are you featured in? Why did you choose a certain attribute as your answer to CV5's theme question?
I was prompted to be part of the project because I was one half of the creation therein. I know it’s a short answer. I’m sorry but there isn’t much more I can add. LOL
I participated in all five books. My stories are as follows:
Unity: Alma’s Unsung AngelVitality: GenomegenicsLustrate: Twin PlanetsInferno: MoxyAnd now, Extancy: Soul SearchingFor each installment, I attempted to utilize a theme word that would bring together the concept of the elements. In the very last installment, I wanted to, as I stated at the beginning, “come full circle”.
It was important for me to tie together the fabric of Concordant Vibrancy by showing the world how each element works in tangent. The elements are synergistic; the function together or not at all. Such is the entire collection.
With that said, I truly hope you love the Concordant Vibrancy Collection as much as we do.
Here is a tiny excerpt of my story, “Soul Searching”.
January 9, 2021
Blog Tour Day 8
Greetings everyone. My name is Monica, professionally known in the writing community as Queen of Spades.
On Day One of the Concordant Vibrancy book tour, you received an inside look at the think scape that prompted the project.
Today, I am speaking as a contributor to the collection as I answer the following questions.
What prompted you to be a part of the Concordant Vibrancy concept?
For one, it would look a bit strange that the co-creator of Concordant Vibrancy wouldn’t be a part of the undertaking. Moreover, I was curious as to what my imagination would conjure as answers to each theme question.
Which Concordant Vibrancy books are you featured in?
I am featured in all of the books.
Unity: “The Authentic Snap”
Vitality: “Operation Restore”
Lustrate: “Threes”
Inferno: “The Calefaction of Insight”
Extancy: “The Itinerant”
Why did you choose a certain attribute as your answer to CV5's theme question?
I have always been an advocate for evolution, not just in my professional development, but in my personal development as well. I believe that if one is not open to the process of evolution, then it is impossible to survive the ongoing winds of change.
Share an excerpt from your story.
In addition to the Excerpt poster, I want to share this segment that slightly precedes that language. For me, it speaks volumes because there are probably many who deal with this conundrum:Additional excerpt from “The Itinerant”
In institutes of learning, all my classes are advanced placement. The color of my skin is a fat fly in a pool of buttermilk. There is no commonality in my classes apart from our collective ability to learn.
When I leave that echelon, exterior forces deem me inferior because of my melanin. The very community that I should be connected to drives me further into isolation, perpetuating correlations between skin tone and patterns of behavior.
Before I sign off, I want to thank all the participants, past and present, who have been a part of Concordant Vibrancy. This collection would not have been possible without you.
To keep up with all of my endeavors, feel free to visit my website, my personal blog - No Labels Unleashed, my Amazon Author Page, or via Twitter @authorqspades.


