Heather Balog's Blog, page 13

Smile! Even If You Don’t Mean It

The Better Me Project—Day 5

Ugh. I, like millions of other women suffer from what’s commonly known as resting bitch face. I look unhappy or constipated 90% of the time. And yes, I know, it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile, but apparently my face doesn’t care. Frowning is its default setting.

The problem is, despite my face, I’m not usually a miserable and unpleasant person (my kids might beg to differ with me there, considering I’m often yelling at them and to them that’s grounds for being an unpleasant person). To smile, I’d have to make a conscious effort to do so. Is it worth it?

Well, according to studies, smiling, even a fake smile, has incredible benefits. For starters, smiling creates the illusion of joy and happiness, even when we don’t feel it. That in turn somehow tricks us into feeling happier, which tricks our brain into being happier. Smiling and laughing also releases “feel good” neurotransmitters—dopamine, endorphins, and seratonin. Seratonin is actually a component in many antidepressants…so smiling often is like a taking a daily antidepressant.

Smiling also decreases stress, lowering our blood pressure and heart rate. When we smile, we give off a more relaxed and pleasant vibe to those around us…even if we didn’t want to smile in the first place! People subconsciously smile back when you are smiling at them. Smiling people are seen in a positive light. Smiling people create a positive environment. Smiling people get positive results.

Think about it…have you ever been faced with a customer service rep who is telling you that they can’t return your product or refund your money? Imagine that person is frowning and huffing and generally being a bitch? Makes you annoyed, doesn’t it? Can you feel your blood pressure going up? Are you getting angry at this person who doesn’t even make up the rules to begin with? Okay, stop. Now imagine that person is apologizing and smiling…a much more pleasant person. You’re still annoyed you’re not getting your money back, but it’s not this person’s fault, is it? Your urge to punch them in the face is gone (or at least tamped down considerably). You might benefit by using this person’s tactic in your own life. Kill ’em with kindness…you catch more flies with honey than vinegar, right? Or so they say.

Studies show that if you’re smiling more (even if you don’t feel happier), others will still associate you to a happier (and for some reason, kinder) and more trustworthy person. They’re more likely to think fondly of you, and it never hurts for people to think that you’re a nice person, does it? You’ll appear more approachable and maybe, just maybe smiling will actually start to come more naturally to you. Studies even show that people who have had Botox are actually happier (and not just because they’re wrinkle free—it’s because they’re smiling…all the time). Children smile on an average of 400 times a day—adults, somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 times a day! What happens to us between ages 4 and 40??? Are we that unhappy and cynical that we can’t eek out a few more smiles than that? I doubt that highly. I think we just don’t take the time for it because we don’t think it’s important enough. Well guess what? It is important! Probably one of the easiest things we can do to make ourselves happier and healthier. Can’t we make it a point to laugh every day, smile way more than 20 times a day?

It can’t hurt to try—so smiling starts today. I’m going to smile even if it hurts. I’m going to smile at friends and co-workers and neighbors I never talk to. Hell, to reduce my blood pressure, I’m going to smile at strangers and people I don’t even like. I can use some positive energy in my life. And maybe…I’ll end up with less wrinkles as a result.

References:

 

“Study—Forcing a Smile Genuinely Reduces Stress”  The Atlantic.com (7/31/12)

“The Power of a Smile” Social Psych Online (5/2/17)

“There’s Magic in Your Smile” Psychology Today (6/25/12)

“How Smiling Changes Your Brain” Fast Company (1/18/15)

Photo Credit

 

Don’t Give a Crap

The Better Me Project—Day 4

The main purpose of this project (at least for me) is to be an all around “better” me, in my home life, in my work life, in my writing life. I want to be successful in many aspects of my world, but there are a lot of fears holding me back from who I want to be. These fears escalate into big a$$ roadblocks because I let them get in the way of my goals and my ambitions. When I wrote down my tasks for the next month for this project, I realized that quite a few were going to make me examine my biggest fear and face it head-on before I could even really start. because I immediately thought “what will other people think of me for doing this?”.

This question has always echoed through my head for years. If I don’t have a spotless house, what will people say about me? If I decide to stop yo-yo dieting and I get fat, what will people think about me? If I write that book and it’s bad, what will people think of me? If I ask that person I’d really like to be friends with to hang out, what if they laugh? If I take time for myself, will people say I’m a bad mother? Or worse, if I actually write about my mistakes, will people criticize me? If I take a stand for something I truly believe in instead of going along with what every one else is doing, what will people think of me? What if nobody likes me then? How can I get what I want if I’m all alone? My choices have been less about what I want and more about how I think others will react to my choices.

So basically I, like a million other people, have conformed to what I think others expect of me. I’ve held back on things because I’m worried about other people’s opinions. And guess what? This is terrible thinking. Yeah sure, it sounds a little self-centered, but unless you’re being an obnoxious twit, who cares what other people think??? If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my writing career is that people are going to have an opinion of whatever you do. Some opinions will please you and others will upset you or anger you.

Let me give you an example. Believe it or not, people write reviews for books that they don’t like. Not that I have never written a review for a book I don’t like, but I stick to the reason that I did not like the book. I feel that helps people make a choice when they read a review. Oh Heather didn’t like the fact the guy was into S&M? Oh, but I like that so I’ll give that book a try.

Not all reviewers voice their OPINION in this manner, however. In fact, some don’t even realize that theirs is an opinion and treat theirs like facts. Sometimes they write unnecessary things in their reviews like spoilers and how the covers are terrible. They trash authors they don’t even know personally. They write reviews for books that they don’t even finish. Okay, Heather, what’s your point? My point is this: it took me a long time to understand this, but what those people do and say are a reflection of them, NOT the me. My opinion of the books I don’t like is a reflection of ME and my likes, dislikes, hang-ups, etc. Do you see? Different strokes for different folks.

So back to the issue at hand. People are going to come into any situation with their own opinions, ones I can’t change. Me conforming to their opinions to avoid some imagined rejection is ridiculous. I become a different person from the one I really am and the result is an unhappy me. I was really worried when I first started this project that if I changed too much about myself, the people that liked me already, wouldn’t like me any more. Yes, I realize that makes me sound like an 12 year old girl, but deep down, aren’t we all 12 year olds? Aren’t we all seeking the approval of others? And why? Does it make us happier to squash down who we are to please other people? If all our friends like a band and we hate them, why do we lie and say we like the band??? Are we really afraid people will not like us based on something that superficial? What grade are we in?

If I were to make my choices based on what I wanted (or needed) to do rather than what people might think, I would not always make the same choices. The same thing goes for this mentality that I have—what should I do? And what should I do based solely on what other people would do or what I feel compelled to do, regardless of whether it’s what I want or need to do. In order to be a better me, I need to stop that thinking.

I know this advice may sound obvious to you, but it’s been a difficult thing for me to shake. Caring about other people’s opinion wasn’t always a problem of mine. Once upon a time, when I was 5 or 6 or even 10, I was unapologetically ME. If wanted to sing, I sang. If I wanted to dance, I danced. If I wanted to write, I wrote. I didn’t get hung up on trends. My friends were my friends and whoever wasn’t, just wasn’t. I didn’t realize I was different. The “giving a crap” about what others thought dates back to 12 year old me. When I was that age, I was stuck with these clunky hearing aids that made people gawk and ask embarrassing questions (kids are so clueless about other people’s feelings, aren’t they?). I was so worried about what everyone was thinking that I decided not to wear them. Yeah, brilliant solution, right? Now not only was I worried about what they thought of me, I couldn’t even hear what they thought of me, causing me to be a paranoid teenager. I thought everyone was talking about me, making fun of me—so I retreated into a shell, half the person I wanted to be. I didn’t take risks, like trying out for plays or entering writing contests like I wanted to because I wanted to be as anonymous as possible. I didn’t want people to think I was weird or strange or different. I didn’t want to give anyone a reason to have an opinion of me at all. I didn’t want to face the sting of rejection. Hence, the fear of being ME was born.

Well, guess what I’ve learned in the last 30 years? We’re all different. That’s what makes us…us. Who gives a crap what someone—someone who doesn’t even really know us or like us—thinks of us? What YOU think of YOU is the most important thing. We should all start thinking better of ourselves. We should all go back to the 7 year old versions of ourselves (let’s not pee the bed, though). But then again, you shouldn’t care what I think. Start thinking about what YOU think, what YOU want out of life and don’t look for the approval of anyone else.

*As a caveat, I’d like to remind you of what I said about not being an obnoxious twit. By “not giving a crap” I don’t mean that you should be mean, hurt other people, or ignore laws, rules, or decorum in general. For example, if you’re thinking, I want to go to the gym and work out naked, who cares what other people think…I think you need to reevaluate what I’m trying to say here. On the other hand, if you want to go to the beach and wear a bikini, have a blast. Also, some opinions do actually matter. Like if you want to quit your job and sell bottle cap art on the side of the road, but you have a mortgage and a spouse, you might want to run it by them first.

 

The Bad Mommy Cooks—Ohio

When we pulled Ohio, nothing came to mind as far as cuisine was concerned. After a little research I discovered that Ohio is known for one really common food item—Cincinnati style chili. There’s even a restaurant chain called the Skyline that specializes in this chili. From what I could tell, it seems to be a dietary staple in Ohio.

We’ve had chili before, in fact, my kids LOVE it; but we’ve only had Texas style chili. Texas chili (or chili con carne) is beef (I used ground beef) in a tomato based sauce with chili spices. We like our chili mixed with corn and elbow pasta. The kids and I are divided on beans vs. no beans so we usually alternate with the beans. Hubby hates beans of all kinds and refuses to eat the chili I make (hence why I usually make it when he’s working). The kids are also married to the elbow pasta that usually accompanies my chili and they made faces when I told them this chili is served with spaghetti. Ohio chili was going to be a hard sell.

However, I found out that this kind of chili can be two-way, three-way, four-way, or five-way chili. Get your mind out of the gutter…this is just referring to the toppings that people choose to put on their chili.

 

Two-way: Chili and spaghetti

Three-way: chili, spaghetti, cheddar cheese

Four-way: chili, spaghetti, cheese, raw onion or kidney beans (diehard fans apparently do not acknowledge the bean option of a four-way…onions are a true four-way…whatevs)

Five-way: chili, spaghetti, cheese, onion, and bean

Oyster crackers are another topping that are found on this chili, but they are optional. (Good, because I detest oyster crackers. I bought them anyway and my daughter ate the whole bag.)

Based on several Pinterest recipes, I did my best to recreate the Skyline Chili classic.

I started off by heating 1 TBSP oil in my Pampered Chef rock crock over medium-high heat. Then I added onions (from one finely chopped sweet onion) and cooked until they were tender. I added 1 clove of minced garlic, 2 TBSP chili powder (I used chipotle chili powder….shhhh don’t tell anyone), a sprinkle of dried oregano (I don’t measure oregano), 2 tsp of cinnamon (yes, cinnamon!), 1 tsp of allspice, and 1/2 tsp of ground cloves. I stirred about 30 seconds and then added 2 cups of chicken broth, 16 oz of tomato sauce, 2 TBSP of apple cider vinegar, 2 TBSP of tomato paste, 2 tsp of brown sugar, and 2 tsp of Worcestershire sauce. I sprinkled some salt and pepper, too.

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It was smelling pretty awesome at this point. At least to me. The kids wandered in and scrunched up their faces asking “What is that awful smell?” Weirdos.

Anyway, the recipe instructed me to add the 2 lbs of ground beef at this point in time, so I scrolled back to the top, frantically searching for the point where I was supposed to brown this beef…did I miss that part? I reread the whole recipe…I couldn’t find it anywhere! Did that mean I was supposed to add this raw meat to the sauce?

I was really nervous about this. Usually I brown my beef and then add the sauce, but heck, this was a different style. If they said add the beef, I was adding the beef:

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I brought the chili to a boil as instructed and then reduced it to a simmer for an additional 15 minutes. This was a quick recipe to whip up for a weeknight.

After it was cooked, I set out the toppings:

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and called in the family for quick instructions on how to eat this chili. They mostly ignored me and made it any way they wanted.

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That was mine, hubby’s, and my daughter’s. My son ate the chili and spaghetti separately so that doesn’t even count and was definitely not photo-worthy.

The reviews were mixed. I really loved it. It was a different take on a meal I love anyway. My daughter also liked it a lot, but my son was so annoyed by the spaghetti that he couldn’t get past it to enjoy the meal. Hubby was also not a big fan, but like I said, he’s not really a chili person to begin with. This one will have to go in the “meals to make when it’s just me & my daughter” category. I’ll have to cut the recipe in half the next time I make it. Even though I had this for lunch a few days later, I still ended up throwing out a ton of it. (Plus spaghetti does NOT taste good warmed up). If you like chili, I would definitely give this Cincinnati Chili a try.

 

 

Have a Vision

The Better Me Project—Day 3

Have a vision. Or in other words, create a Vision Board. No, I’m not kidding. I haven’t lost my mind. A vision board is a powerful way to visualize your goals and make you more focused on them, thus more likely to actually achieve those goals.

I have to confess…I didn’t create my vision board on Day 3. I created it almost at the end of the project, Day 20 something or other. In retrospect, I should have created it much sooner. In fact, it should have been my Day 1 project. I admit, I kind of scoffed at the idea. Just like meditation, it sounded way too new age and hippy-dippy for me. Not only did the “Badass” book tout the benefits of a vision board, my yoga instructors have actually held Vision Board Workshops. Still, I didn’t think I needed to go as far as sitting down and cutting pictures out of a magazine and gluing them to poster board to get the benefits of a vision board. I would just sit right at my desk and think about my goals. I’d write them down, too. Words are just as powerful as pictures, aren’t they?

Turns out, I’m a bit of a visual learner. Sure, I had my notecards that I made for my Better Me Project and I wrote down my goals and all that, but I really did need a tangible object in my visual field on a daily basis to remind me of where I wanted to be heading. I was still not sold on the gluing pictures on a piece of cardboard. (And besides, we don’t get any magazines in this house other than firefighting magazines…what should I do, cut out a picture of a stove on fire and put an X through it?)

So instead, I made a “Vision Board” board on Pinterest:[image error][image error][image error]

It’s kind of all over the place and impossible to look at in its entirety. Plus, I have to pull it up on my phone or the computer. It’s not out there, in my face like an actual vision board that I put on that darn poster paper would be.

Sighing heavily, I realized that this project would be next to impossible if I didn’t make the &*%$ vision board. Since we didn’t have magazines to cut out pictures from, I spent a ridiculous amount of time on the computer googling the exact pictures I wanted. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find pictures of places or concepts that only seem to exist in your mind???? I needed pictures that expressed my goals, places I wanted to visit, and the feelings I wanted to have when I looked at my vision board.

I apparently spent so much time on the computer that hubby began to sulk and claim I was interfering with his computer time. Oh, and I that I broke his chair. (The chair has been broken for a month, but Mr. Cheapo won’t buy a new one because it would take him forever to get his butt imprint the way he wants it on a new chair.)

Anyway, after about three hours, I had a quite a few pictures. I couldn’t find everything I wanted, but this board, like the whole project, is a work in progress. I found pictures of Aurora Borealis because I really want to experience that. I included pictures of Italy, too, because I’ve always wanted to go there. While there are plenty of other places I want to visit, those two were the most important to include because the pictures themselves were very inspiring. I included some inspirational quotes—a lot of them were dorky, but a few spoke to me and my feelings about success and achieving my dreams. I printed out pictures of places I’d feel relaxed reading and writing, to remind me that a writing life could be mine if work hard. I also cut out pictures of strong, kick ass women, running and lifting weights to remind myself that I have to be strong to not give up on my goals.

While these pictures were not all inclusive, I know I can add to it or take away any of the pictures as my goals and visions change. So instead of gluing my pictures to poster board, I used the pretty cork picture board in our living room. Yup, that’s right. Not only is my vision board where I can see it every day, it’s on display for everyone. The kids immediately began to mock me, but I’m not bothered by them. I can’t be embarrassed by my vision board…it’s me…it’s who I want to be. And it’s who I will be with some sweat, blood and tears.

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The Better Me Project—Day 3

Have a Vision

Or in other words, create a Vision Board. No, I’m not kidding. I haven’t lost my mind. A vision board is a powerful way to visualize your goals and make you more focused on them, thus more likely to actually achieve those goals.

I have to confess…I didn’t create my vision board on Day 3. I created it almost at the end of the project, Day 20 something or other. In retrospect, I should have created it much sooner. In fact, it should have been my Day 1 project. I admit, I kind of scoffed at the idea. Just like meditation, it sounded way too new age and hippy-dippy for me. Not only did the “Badass” book tout the benefits of a vision board, my yoga instructors have actually held Vision Board Workshops. Still, I didn’t think I needed to go as far as sitting down and cutting pictures out of a magazine and gluing them to poster board to get the benefits of a vision board. I would just sit right at my desk and think about my goals. I’d write them down, too. Words are just as powerful as pictures, aren’t they?

Turns out, I’m a bit of a visual learner. Sure, I had my notecards that I made for my Better Me Project and I wrote down my goals and all that, but I really did need a tangible object in my visual field on a daily basis to remind me of where I wanted to be heading. I was still not sold on the gluing pictures on a piece of cardboard. (And besides, we don’t get any magazines in this house other than firefighting magazines…what should I do, cut out a picture of a stove on fire and put an X through it?)

So instead, I made a “Vision Board” board on Pinterest:[image error][image error][image error]

It’s kind of all over the place and impossible to look at in its entirety. Plus, I have to pull it up on my phone or the computer. It’s not out there, in my face like an actual vision board that I put on that darn poster paper would be.

Sighing heavily, I realized that this project would be next to impossible if I didn’t make the &*%$ vision board. Since we didn’t have magazines to cut out pictures from, I spent a ridiculous amount of time on the computer googling the exact pictures I wanted. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find pictures of places or concepts that only seem to exist in your mind???? I needed pictures that expressed my goals, places I wanted to visit, and the feelings I wanted to have when I looked at my vision board.

I apparently spent so much time on the computer that hubby began to sulk and claim I was interfering with his computer time. Oh, and I that I broke his chair. (The chair has been broken for a month, but Mr. Cheapo won’t buy a new one because it would take him forever to get his butt imprint the way he wants it on a new chair.)

Anyway, after about three hours, I had a quite a few pictures. I couldn’t find everything I wanted, but this board, like the whole project, is a work in progress. I found pictures of Aurora Borealis because I really want to experience that. I included pictures of Italy, too, because I’ve always wanted to go there. While there are plenty of other places I want to visit, those two were the most important to include because the pictures themselves were very inspiring. I included some inspirational quotes—a lot of them were dorky, but a few spoke to me and my feelings about success and achieving my dreams. I printed out pictures of places I’d feel relaxed reading and writing, to remind me that a writing life could be mine if work hard. I also cut out pictures of strong, kick ass women, running and lifting weights to remind myself that I have to be strong to not give up on my goals.

While these pictures were not all inclusive, I know I can add to it or take away any of the pictures as my goals and visions change. So instead of gluing my pictures to poster board, I used the pretty cork picture board in our living room. Yup, that’s right. Not only is my vision board where I can see it every day, it’s on display for everyone. The kids immediately began to mock me, but I’m not bothered by them. I can’t be embarrassed by my vision board…it’s me…it’s who I want to be. And it’s who I will be with some sweat, blood and tears.

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Keep Calm & Meditate On

The Better Me Project—Day 2

Of all the information I gathered from the books and articles I read, the biggest takeaway that I got was that in order to become more positive and calm, I needed to get in touch with my inner self and meditate daily. Meditation meaning sitting perfectly still and thinking about nothing.

I see you rolling your eyes. Believe me, I rolled my eyes big time at this revelation. I’ve been going to yoga for several years and I love the stretching and the balancing and aerobic aspect of the practice, but I’ve never been very good at the “relaxing” or meditating part of it. I’m the one who’s peeking when the teacher tells you to close your eyes, listen to your breath, clear your mind and yada yada yada. I’m sure a therapist would have a field day picking apart why I’m untrusting and can’t relax in a room full of strangers, but at any rate, I find it very difficult.

Needless to say, I was not looking forward to meditating daily. Still, I really wanted to become a calmer and more chill person, so I was willing to at least give it a try. According to the experts, 15-20 minutes was optimal. I knew there was no way in hell I could sit still for that long. And think about nothing? How does one do that exactly? The book I read suggested repeating a mantra in my head like, “Clear your mind” or “mashed potatoes”…something that would prevent me from running through my mental to do list or obsessing about what I should be doing instead of sitting perfectly still for 15 minutes. And 15 minutes??? Are they nuts? But still, I had to give it a try before dismissing it.

I started off with 10 minutes the first day and I. Just. Could. Not. Do. It. I sat there for the first minute, trying to calm my racing heart and banish any thoughts from my mind.  About one minute and seven seconds in, I had an itch on my nose that I tried to ignore until I couldn’t take it anymore. After I finally scratched it, I tried to repeat the “mashed potatoes” mantra in my mind but that just made me think about food, which made me think about what I was making for dinner, which made me realize I needed to stop at the store, which made me start a grocery list in my head. I shook that thought off when I realized how counterproductive it was and tried to go back to clearing my mind. I started the mantra in my head “clear my mind”, “clear my mind”. Then I remembered the papers on my desk that I needed to clear. And crap, I needed to run to the post office. Would I have time to do that and go to the grocery store?

Forget it, my mind would not clear. But no matter, my ten minutes had to almost be up anyway. I sighed and checked the timer…four minutes and fifty-three seconds. That was it. I couldn’t even sit still for five freaking minutes in a row.

Disgusted with myself, I was going to give up altogether. Forget a better me…I couldn’t even make it through day two. If I wasn’t even able to sit still, how did I think I was going to make the changes in my attitude necessary for this “better me”? How was I supposed to remain calm and less anxious if I couldn’t even remain still???

Then I realized my overreaction was exactly why I needed to meditate to begin with. So what if I couldn’t do it right the first time? This was not the right attitude and precisely what I was trying to work on.

The next day, I slapped on a set of headphones and googled “meditation music”. A few choices came up and without overthinking it (like I normally would do), I clicked on one and set the timer to 5 minutes. Baby steps…

I decided instead of trying to clear my mind, I should just try to let the music relax me and let my mind be the boss…as long as it didn’t want to make grocery lists, that is. Surprising, the music did the trick…I easily imagined my body floating on a cloud, weightless and carefree. I actually felt totally relaxed. The timer buzzed and I thought it was a mistake. How could five minutes go by so quickly?

The next day, I tried six minutes. That too went by in a blink of an eye. Each subsequent day I added another minute until before I knew it, I was at 15 minutes. I actually began to look forward to starting my day off with meditating—it was the only time of day where I could actually allow myself to NOT do anything. I discovered that when I first woke up in the morning was the best time to do it—I was still relaxed from sleep and my mental to do list hadn’t started running yet. Plus, no one else was usually awake so I didn’t have to worry about extraneous noises to distract me, like kids running up and down the stairs, and the dog barking his dumb head off at leaves blowing by. I also wasn’t nervous that someone would walk in on me meditating, either. Not that they didn’t know that I was doing it every morning, but they would love to mock me if they caught me in the middle of it. And that would annoy me and defeat the whole purpose.

In fact, one Saturday the fellow residents of my insane asylum had gotten up in the middle of my daily meditation and proceeded to argue with each other ten feet from where I was meditating. Needless to say, that day didn’t go as smoothly as planned. Yes, because I noticed that meditating put me in a much better frame of mind for the day. If I didn’t do it, or it didn’t go well, my mindset was off for the whole day. If I did, I could handle the day much better. Even as things flew at me left and right—who had to be driven where, why was the dog’s ear bleeding, why the heck did it seem like all the kids at school in my office today—everything seemed much more manageable after a morning mind clearing sesh.

You should try it. I know, I know…it seems silly, but it’s a really easy way to make yourself happier and calm. I can’t claim that meditating will make all your problems go away…in fact, I noticed, just as the author of “You Are a Badass” promised, it seemed like the universe was actually throwing more $hit my way than usual. Allegedly, it’s testing me. Maybe. I don’t know. What I do know is that I definitely do feel calmer and less anxious during the day, even when it seems like everything is crumbling around me. It’s a habit that has been easy to keep…one I look forward to so much I might even break it up into two 10 minute sessions a day. We’ll see. Until then, keep calm and meditate on.

Photo Credit

 

The Better Me Project—Day 2

Photo credit

Keep Calm and Meditate On

Of all the information I gathered from the books and articles I read, the biggest takeaway that I got was that in order to become more positive and calm, I needed to get in touch with my inner self and meditate daily. Meditation meaning sitting perfectly still and thinking about nothing.

I see you rolling your eyes. Believe me, I rolled my eyes big time at this revelation. I’ve been going to yoga for several years and I love the stretching and the balancing and aerobic aspect of the practice, but I’ve never been very good at the “relaxing” or meditating part of it. I’m the one who’s peeking when the teacher tells you to close your eyes, listen to your breath, clear your mind and yada yada yada. I’m sure a therapist would have a field day picking apart why I’m untrusting and can’t relax in a room full of strangers, but at any rate, I find it very difficult.

Needless to say, I was not looking forward to meditating daily. Still, I really wanted to become a calmer and more chill person, so I was willing to at least give it a try. According to the experts, 15-20 minutes was optimal. I knew there was no way in hell I could sit still for that long. And think about nothing? How does one do that exactly? The book I read suggested repeating a mantra in my head like, “Clear your mind” or “mashed potatoes”…something that would prevent me from running through my mental to do list or obsessing about what I should be doing instead of sitting perfectly still for 15 minutes. And 15 minutes??? Are they nuts? But still, I had to give it a try before dismissing it.

I started off with 10 minutes the first day and I. Just. Could. Not. Do. It. I sat there for the first minute, trying to calm my racing heart and banish any thoughts from my mind.  About one minute and seven seconds in, I had an itch on my nose that I tried to ignore until I couldn’t take it anymore. After I finally scratched it, I tried to repeat the “mashed potatoes” mantra in my mind but that just made me think about food, which made me think about what I was making for dinner, which made me realize I needed to stop at the store, which made me start a grocery list in my head. I shook that thought off when I realized how counterproductive it was and tried to go back to clearing my mind. I started the mantra in my head “clear my mind”, “clear my mind”. Then I remembered the papers on my desk that I needed to clear. And crap, I needed to run to the post office. Would I have time to do that and go to the grocery store?

Forget it, my mind would not clear. But no matter, my ten minutes had to almost be up anyway. I sighed and checked the timer…four minutes and fifty-three seconds. That was it. I couldn’t even sit still for five freaking minutes in a row.

Disgusted with myself, I was going to give up altogether. Forget a better me…I couldn’t even make it through day two. If I wasn’t even able to sit still, how did I think I was going to make the changes in my attitude necessary for this “better me”? How was I supposed to remain calm and less anxious if I couldn’t even remain still???

Then I realized my overreaction was exactly why I needed to meditate to begin with. So what if I couldn’t do it right the first time? This was not the right attitude and precisely what I was trying to work on.

The next day, I slapped on a set of headphones and googled “meditation music”. A few choices came up and without overthinking it (like I normally would do), I clicked on one and set the timer to 5 minutes. Baby steps…

I decided instead of trying to clear my mind, I should just try to let the music relax me and let my mind be the boss…as long as it didn’t want to make grocery lists, that is. Surprising, the music did the trick…I easily imagined my body floating on a cloud, weightless and carefree. I actually felt totally relaxed. The timer buzzed and I thought it was a mistake. How could five minutes go by so quickly?

The next day, I tried six minutes. That too went by in a blink of an eye. Each subsequent day I added another minute until before I knew it, I was at 15 minutes. I actually began to look forward to starting my day off with meditating—it was the only time of day where I could actually allow myself to NOT do anything. I discovered that when I first woke up in the morning was the best time to do it—I was still relaxed from sleep and my mental to do list hadn’t started running yet. Plus, no one else was usually awake so I didn’t have to worry about extraneous noises to distract me, like kids running up and down the stairs, and the dog barking his dumb head off at leaves blowing by. I also wasn’t nervous that someone would walk in on me meditating, either. Not that they didn’t know that I was doing it every morning, but they would love to mock me if they caught me in the middle of it. And that would annoy me and defeat the whole purpose.

In fact, one Saturday the fellow residents of my insane asylum had gotten up in the middle of my daily meditation and proceeded to argue with each other ten feet from where I was meditating. Needless to say, that day didn’t go as smoothly as planned. Yes, because I noticed that meditating put me in a much better frame of mind for the day. If I didn’t do it, or it didn’t go well, my mindset was off for the whole day. If I did, I could handle the day much better. Even as things flew at me left and right—who had to be driven where, why was the dog’s ear bleeding, why the heck did it seem like all the kids at school in my office today—everything seemed much more manageable after a morning mind clearing sesh.

You should try it. I know, I know…it seems silly, but it’s a really easy way to make yourself happier and calm. I can’t claim that meditating will make all your problems go away…in fact, I noticed, just as the author of “You Are a Badass” promised, it seemed like the universe was actually throwing more $hit my way than usual. Allegedly, it’s testing me. Maybe. I don’t know. What I do know is that I definitely do feel calmer and less anxious during the day, even when it seems like everything is crumbling around me. It’s a habit that has been easy to keep…one I look forward to so much I might even break it up into two 10 minute sessions a day. We’ll see. Until then, keep calm and meditate on.

 

 

 

Always Kiss Me Goodnight

The Better Me Project—Day 1

Sometimes we become so comfortable and complacent in our everyday lives that we start to take things for granted. We assume that everything will always be the same as it is now, the good and sometimes the bad, and we become immune to what we have.

One night, I was lying in bed—in that hazy place between almost asleep and still sort of awake—and the childhood prayer that I used to recite came to mind. “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep”. I bolted awake, gripped with the most horrifying fear. What would happen if I actually should die before I wake? (Who came up with this prayer for kids, by the way???) I didn’t kiss hubby goodnight! Would it haunt him forever if I never woke up? Or what if it was the other way around and he died and I didn’t kiss him? I knew that would haunt me. How could I live with myself knowing that I had just assumed I would be able to kiss him in the morning, hug him in the morning? How would I feel if I denied myself (or him) that one last kiss?

Chances were, it wouldn’t be that night or even a night soon, but one day, one of us would be living without the other. (Unless of course we go out The Notebook style—movie, not the book). This thought made me sit up and start bawling right then and there in bed. Why was I NOT doing something so simple, such a small gesture of affection that one day I would actually not be able to do? When did we stop doing this? Why was I taking one of the most important people in my life for granted?

It’s my fault. After all, I go to bed first. I have to. If I don’t, the bedroom sounds like an helicopter landing pad once he comes in with all his snoring and moaning and groaning that he does (I really don’t know how the guys at the firehouse haven’t smothered him on his work nights yet). At some point in time in the past I must have crawled into bed and fell asleep without kissing him goodnight. I was probably too lazy to get up and find him, just like I’m too lazy to get up and take my make-up off some nights. One day turned into a week, which turned into a month, which now turned into years of not kissing my hubby goodnight. But unlike my make-up that’ll definitely be there in the morning (on my face and all over my pillow), he might not be.

That very night, after I got up and kissed hubby goodnight, of course, I made a vow to always kiss him goodnight. And I would try to remember to say I love you, to both him and the kids. And I would hug them when they left me…or at least try to (the kids are a little like cactus about hugging and general affection toward their parental figures in public).

This was the very first step in my “Better Me” project. Because I don’t want any regrets in my life. We may not know our future and we may be completely powerless to stop bad things from upending our present, but as long as we people know that we love them and care about them, we’ve done something right. Don’t take anything or anyone for granted. Little gestures to express affection are even more meaningful than grand gestures. My mother used to put little notes in my lunchbox on the first day of school every year. I looked for that, it gave me a little smile. One year, it just stopped. Sure, I knew she still loved me, but I missed the stupid little note. Why did the stupid little note have to stop? (I probably turned into an unbearable teenager at the time, but still…) We don’t stop loving people—why do we stop showing them that we do? Why did I stop telling my kids “I love you” when they leave for school or when I drop them off somewhere? Why do we get so comfortable with our lives that we become apathetic to the truly wonderful things we have? I’m fortunate to have a spouse that I love and kids that are pretty awesome (despite giving me an ulcer). Why don’t I realize that everyday???

Day 1—-Show people you love them and don’t forget.

Photo Credit

The Better Me Project—Day 1

Photo credit

Always Kiss Me Goodnight

Sometimes we become so comfortable and complacent in our everyday lives that we start to take things for granted. We assume that everything will always be the same as it is now, the good and sometimes the bad, and we become immune to what we have.

One night, I was lying in bed—in that hazy place between almost asleep and still sort of awake—and the childhood prayer that I used to recite came to mind. “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep”. I bolted awake, gripped with the most horrifying fear. What would happen if I actually should die before I wake? (Who came up with this prayer for kids, by the way???) I didn’t kiss hubby goodnight! Would it haunt him forever if I never woke up? Or what if it was the other way around and he died and I didn’t kiss him? I knew that would haunt me. How could I live with myself knowing that I had just assumed I would be able to kiss him in the morning, hug him in the morning? How would I feel if I denied myself (or him) that one last kiss?

Chances were, it wouldn’t be that night or even a night soon, but one day, one of us would be living without the other. (Unless of course we go out The Notebook style—movie, not the book). This thought made me sit up and start bawling right then and there in bed. Why was I NOT doing something so simple, such a small gesture of affection that one day I would actually not be able to do? When did we stop doing this? Why was I taking one of the most important people in my life for granted?

It’s my fault. After all, I go to bed first. I have to. If I don’t, the bedroom sounds like an helicopter landing pad once he comes in with all his snoring and moaning and groaning that he does (I really don’t know how the guys at the firehouse haven’t smothered him on his work nights yet). At some point in time in the past I must have crawled into bed and fell asleep without kissing him goodnight. I was probably too lazy to get up and find him, just like I’m too lazy to get up and take my make-up off some nights. One day turned into a week, which turned into a month, which now turned into years of not kissing my hubby goodnight. But unlike my make-up that’ll definitely be there in the morning (on my face and all over my pillow), he might not be.

That very night, after I got up and kissed hubby goodnight, of course, I made a vow to always kiss him goodnight. And I would try to remember to say I love you, to both him and the kids. And I would hug them when they left me…or at least try to (the kids are a little like cactus about hugging and general affection toward their parental figures in public).

This was the very first step in my “Better Me” project. Because I don’t want any regrets in my life. We may not know our future and we may be completely powerless to stop bad things from upending our present, but as long as we people know that we love them and care about them, we’ve done something right. Don’t take anything or anyone for granted. Little gestures to express affection are even more meaningful than grand gestures. My mother used to put little notes in my lunchbox on the first day of school every year. I looked for that, it gave me a little smile. One year, it just stopped. Sure, I knew she still loved me, but I missed the stupid little note. Why did the stupid little note have to stop? (I probably turned into an unbearable teenager at the time, but still…) We don’t stop loving people—why do we stop showing them that we do? Why did I stop telling my kids “I love you” when they leave for school or when I drop them off somewhere? Why do we get so comfortable with our lives that we become apathetic to the truly wonderful things we have? I’m fortunate to have a spouse that I love and kids that are pretty awesome (despite giving me an ulcer). Why don’t I realize that everyday???

Day 1—-Show people you love them and don’t forget.

 

The Better Me Project

I’ve been reading a lot lately. I know that’s not a crazy concept considering reading is pretty much my number one favorite hobby—other than, you know, fishing the kids’ socks out from underneath the couch cushions. I usually have a book in the car, a book in my purse, a book on my nightstand, and one floating around the house…at all times. The crazy part is, I’ve been reading non-fiction.

Reading has always been my escape from the world so when people started suggesting that I read more non-fiction, I immediately poo-poohed that idea. How boring! I thought. Who wants to read about real people? I want to read of about imaginary characters.

Still, I found myself holding my library’s copy of “You Are a Badass”, a non-fiction book by Jen Sincero, basically about how to become more successful in your life. It was a little out there at times and I definitely found myself disagreeing with some of the author’s assertions, yet, I found myself nodding in agreement more times than not. I found myself saying Why yes! I can make these changes in my life and maybe I can create my own success story. 

Immediately inspired by the author’s positive attitude, I started applying some of the ideas I had gathered from the book. For the next few weeks, I continued and I really started to notice a difference in me. Was it instant success? Of course not. I’m a work in progress, but it motivated me to try harder, achieve more. It motivated me to learn more.

Hungry for more tips, I took out “The Happiness Project”, by Gretchen Rubin. Once again much of what she talked about had me bobbing my head and muttering out loud. It was real and inspiring—who doesn’t want to be happier? I mean, I’m essentially a content person, comfortable in my life in a way most relatively successful people in their forties are. But could I have more? Could I be more? I immediately wanted to do my own “Happiness Project”. But my project wouldn’t be about being “Happy”.

Happy is such a weird word. While I think of myself as a generally “happy” person, I get overwhelmed and angry on a daily basis. I’m not sure someone else would describe me as “happy”. And what is happy anyway? I’m happy right now, eating a bowl of soup and sitting in the den with my hubby on a Friday night while he watches golf. Does this always make me happy? Absolutely not. If he had promised me a steak dinner and a night out, this would make me the absolute opposite of happy. Happiness is about perspective and unfortunately how we define happiness can be fleeting. Tomorrow tragedy could strike, and as hard as I try, happiness may evade me for a long time. I didn’t want my project to be for naught, for the possibility of it abruptly ending, so I decided instead of “happiness” being my goal, I would strive to be a “better” person. My project would be 30 Days to a Better Me.

We all want to leave this Earth better than it was when we arrived (well, most of us do), but what makes it better? Is it the mark we leave on the people around us? Is it our successes? Or is it the simple fact that our time on Earth was an enjoyable one? Is there a formula that we can actually follow?

In the month of March, I challenged myself to be alcohol free. Hubby refused to participate with St. Patrick’s Day and uh, other days ending with Y (insert eyeroll here). No matter—I’m a very goal oriented/ competitive person…even when I’m competing against myself. I was going to get through 31 days without a drink. Not that I’m an alcoholic or anything, but I like my wine and an occasional Moscow Mule after a long day at work. It wasn’t the easiest thing to do, especially when I’ve been out with friends (peer pressure doesn’t end when you graduate high school, by the way), but what I discovered about myself very early in in this month actually became the incentive to my “Better Me” project. Forming and breaking habits are what motivates most people and what shapes their personality and how they go about their daily lives. So many times people try to change their lives (dieting, quitting smoking, etc.) in one fell swoop rather than breaking their challenge up in manageable pieces.

I started off the project by making a list of what I wanted to accomplish—it was a shmorgash board of goals ranging from being more pleasant to the people in my everyday life, to reaching more readers. Then, I listed some of my biggest hurdles standing in my way—what did I think would help me accomplish these goals. There were A LOT of things on that list, but many were linked together—many were dependent on each other. One of the most difficult parts of this project has been how to actually ORGANIZE it so it makes sense. But then again, letting go of my rigidity is part of the project.

Inspired by the book “Wonder”, I created a “daily precept” that would help me either form or break a habit every day for 30 days—I wrote these out on notecards, which excited me wayyyy more than it should—I’m such a stationary nerd. My goal at the end of the 30 days was to at least be heading in the right direction to make a change for the better. Some days I succeed. Other days I fail. No matter what, I have been journaling my observations and my feelings which I want to share with you. This is not to say this journey is necessarily something that you want to do, but if you do choose to create your own “Better Me” project, some of my ideas and precepts may be a helpful jumping off point. Everyone’s project will look different—yours might be more specific tasks rather than an eclectic combination of desirable concepts, vague goals, and specific tasks like mine has been.

I’m still not done with my project, even though the 30 days is nearing to a close. Still, I wanted to share this project in as close to real time as I could. Maybe it’ll end up being “37 Days to a Better Me” (probably not because that’s an odd number and there’s no way I’m going to work with such a random number…). But however it turns out, I’d like share my findings with you. I’ll post once a day in the month of April—at the end of the 30 days, I’ll reevaluate and let you know how I did. Wish me luck!