Heather Balog's Blog, page 17

12 Ways to Lose Your Mind This Christmas—#10

I almost forgot about #10. It’s been quite a few years since we’ve worried about #10 in our house.

#10. Perpetuate the lie of “Santa Claus”.

When I was about four years old, my evil uncle (who was only five years older than me), gleefully ruined my childhood. Yup, he told me that there was no such thing as Santa. I was devastated. Of course I was still smart enough at that age not to let on that I knew. In my head, if you didn’t believe in Santa, you wouldn’t get any presents.

My own kids stopped believing at some point in time at the end of their elementary years. I’m not sure exactly when because like me, they didn’t let on that they were wise to the secret. I would say my son was about ten and my daughter was younger than that because the older uncle sibling always seems to ruin these things. So the last three years or so have been much easier at Christmas time, simply because we don’t have to pretend. We don’t pretend that Santa brought presents at the stroke of midnight on Christmas Eve, at the same time he’s bringing gifts to a billion other kids. We don’t have to make sure we wrap all of our other presents in different paper than the “Santa” wrap. We don’t have to fill our own stockings because the kids will ask why we didn’t get gifts—were we naughty??? We don’t have to wait till the kids go to bed to put their presents under the tree. (And of course you have to wait until they are absolutely, positively asleep before you can even think about bringing the gifts down, usually somewhere around 3 am when you can barely stand because you’re so tired—they seem to be on high alert for any noise on Christmas Eve.) We don’t need to track Santa on the Norad Santa tracker (which actually was kind of fun and I still do it anyway…). We don’t have to get up at the butt crack of dawn on Christmas Day to see what Santa brought us. We don’t have to go nuts coordinating outfits and trying to put tights on a two year old to go see Santa. We don’t have to wait on line at the mall for hours with the other sucker parents, turning various shades of red as their kids claw their way off of Santa’s lap. (Seriously, does any kid from ages 18 months to three years old actually sit on Santa’s lap without screaming bloody murder? My oldest refused from ages two to seven.) We also don’t have to take out a second mortgage to pay for those pictures documenting the trauma they’ve endured at the hands of the scary old man. (Confession time: we never actually took the kids to see Santa at the mall—we’ve always gone to see the free Santas at the firehouse, library, school, etc. You don’t have to wait long, you don’t have to feel bad when your kid refuses to sit on Santa’s lap, and you can take all the horrible pictures you want for free.) We don’t have to sit with a five year old who wants to write a painstakingly slow letter to Santa. We don’t have to mail that letter and waste a stamp. We don’t have to sit at the computer for hours trying to compose a video from Santa to the children (Who said technological advances were a good thing??? My parents never sent me a video from Santa!)

In a flash, our kids didn’t believe, and this was one less burden off our shoulders at this already burdensome time of year. God…what a relief! But at the same time…it’s heartbreaking. More proof that they’ve grown up so quickly—so much quicker than I thought possible. I miss the joy believing brought to them. The desire to behave, so that they could impress Santa (and later on, his elf spy). The innocence and ability to believe something so incredibly ridiculous could actually be true. Sometimes I wish I had that innocence back. They’re not so innocent or easy to impress any more. I wish I had savored it a little bit back then, not rolling my eyes and wishing that the dreadful Santa years would be over with. Because they are now…along with my sweet and innocent babies who used to believe.

Filed under: parenting humor Tagged: how to tell the kids about Santa, pictures with Santa, Santa, sitting on Santa's lap, Telling kids there's no such thing as Santa

12 Days of Christmas Stress—Day 9: Try to Live Your Normal Life

I know I promised 12 Days of Christmas Stress, but it seriously was a much more daunting task than I anticipated. I just can’t seem to get myself together, I just can’t seem to figure out which end is up while trying to prepare for Christmas next week. The biggest way to stress yourself out this holiday season? Try to Live Your Normal Life.

Wait…What?!?!

Yup, that’s right. Didn’t you know? Life still goes on during the holiday season. Kids need to get to basketball practice, hubby needs to go to the dentist, you need to go to work (wouldn’t it be nice to have the month of December off to get your $hit together???). Dinners need to be made, dinners need to be cleaned up, grocery shopping needs to happen. Bathrooms need to be cleaned, laundry needs to be done, etc., etc., etc. On top of all the stress of the rapidly approaching holiday…YOU STILL NEED TO DO ALL THE STUFF YOU WERE DOING BEFORE! This means less sleep, crappier meals, more caffeine, and a much crankier you.

Get Ready for Your Regular Life to Go Off the Rails

And never mind the normal life that you have to hold together—at this time of year, you’re more likely to have a monkey wrench thrown in the works than any other time of year. It’s inevitable that someone in the house will get a stomach bug, strep throat, or the flu. You’ll have to replace the living room rug at midnight on the eve of Christmas Eve because you have a houseful of people coming the next day and there’s puke embedded in the fibers. You’ll need to call the a hvac guy the next day because your heat died. Your kid’s pants for their Christmas concert will be too tight and you’ll have to run out at zero hour to get a new pair, or subject yourself to the passive aggressive whisperings of the PTO moms behind you about how you’re a bad mom.

It’ll snow and you will discover your kids outgrew their boots, there’s a rip in one of their coats, and each of them only has one glove. Your youngest child will fall off a ladder while trying to sneak a peak at the gifts hidden on top of your closet and break his arm. You will forget to pay the electric bill and the lights you spent so long stringing will go out. Your basement will flood from a piece of lint stuck in your laundry slop sink. The dog will eat a tennis ball and you’ll have to run to the emergency vet. Your cat will eat mistletoe and puke it up all over your bed.

MAKE IT STOP!!!!!

You should be, at the very least, granted a pass from crappy things happening to you during the Christmas season. How are you supposed to spread cheer when you spill your morning coffee on your lap and ruin your new shirt? How are you supposed to spread good will toward your fellow man when your brakes are squeaking? And how are you supposed to enjoy the season when it’s go, go, go from the moment you get up to the time you go to bed? Well, you’re not. What you’re supposed to do is…

STOP

Take a breath. No, not that way…a real breath. Let yourself have a good cry. Have your nervous breakdown and then wipe the tears away. Christmas will happen whether you do it all or not. Lower your expectations of yourself—-no, I’m not kidding. Allow yourself to actually enjoy it. Skip the gym, order takeout, watch a Christmas movie, take a mental health day from work. Whatever it is you need to do to get through the day.

It’s what I’ve vowed to do this last week before Christmas. I’m accepting I can’t do it all and the only person it usually matters to is…me. So what I’m going to do when the stress of everyday life combined with one hell of a holiday season gets under my skin is relax. I’m not taking anything seriously anymore. Christmas will come whether I stress out about it or not, and it’s a hell of a lot more enjoyable when I don’t stress.

I’m going to go off to yoga now and just chill in Savasana. You can join me if you want. Just someone remember to wake me up January 2nd.

The post 12 Days of Christmas Stress—Day 9: Try to Live Your Normal Life appeared first on Author Heather Balog.

12 Ways to Lose Your Mind This Christmas—#9

I know I promised 12 Ways to Lose Your Mind this Christmas Season over 12 days, but it seriously was a much more daunting task than I anticipated. I just can’t seem to get myself together, I just can’t seem to figure out which end is up while trying to prepare for Christmas next week. Mostly because of Way #9. If you really want to stress out this holiday season,

#9. Continue on with your regular life. Yup, that’s right. Didn’t you know? Life still goes on during the holiday season. Kids need to get to basketball practice, hubby needs to go to the dentist, you need to go to work (wouldn’t it be nice to have the month of December off to get your $hit together???). Dinners need to be made, dinners need to be cleaned up, grocery shopping needs to happen. Bathrooms need to be cleaned, laundry needs to be done, etc., etc., etc. On top of all the stress of the rapidly approaching holiday…YOU STILL NEED TO DO ALL THE STUFF YOU WERE DOING BEFORE! This means less sleep, crappier meals, more caffeine, and a much crankier you.

And never mind the regular life that you have to hold together—at this time of year, you’re more likely to have a monkey wrench thrown in the works than any other time of year. It’s inevitable that someone in the house will get a stomach bug, strep throat, or the flu. You’ll have to replace the living room rug at midnight on the eve of Christmas Eve because you have a houseful of people coming the next day and there’s puke embedded in the fibers. You’ll need to call the a hvac guy the next day because your heat died. Your kid’s pants for their Christmas concert will be too tight and you’ll have to run out at zero hour to get a new pair, or subject yourself to the passive aggressive whisperings of the PTO moms behind you about how you’re a bad mom. It’ll snow and you will discover your kids outgrew their boots, there’s a rip in one of their coats, and each of them only has one glove. Your youngest child will fall off a ladder while trying to sneak a peak at the gifts hidden on top of your closet and break his arm. You will forget to pay the electric bill and the lights you spent so long stringing will go out. Your basement will flood from a piece of lint stuck in your laundry slop sink. Your dog will eat a tennis ball and you’ll have to run to the emergency vet. Your cat will eat mistletoe and puke it up all over your bed.

MAKE IT STOP!!!!! You should be, at the very least, granted a pass from crappy things happening to you during the Christmas season. How are you supposed to spread cheer when you spill your morning coffee on your lap and ruin your new shirt? How are you supposed to spread good will toward your fellow man when your breaks are squeaking? How are you supposed to enjoy the season when it’s go, go, go from the moment you get up to the time you go to bed? Well, you’re not. What you’re supposed to do is…STOP. Take a breath. No, not that way…a real breath. Let yourself have a good cry. Have your nervous breakdown and then wipe the tears away. Christmas will happen whether you do it all or not. Lower your expectations of yourself—-no, I’m not kidding. Allow yourself to actually enjoy it. Skip the gym, order takeout, watch a Christmas movie, take a mental health day from work…whatever it is you need to do to get through the day. It’s what I’ve vowed to do this last week before Christmas. I’m accepting I can’t do it all and the only person it usually matters to is…me. So what I’m going to do when the stress of everyday life combined with one hell of a holiday season gets under my skin is relax. I’m not taking anything seriously anymore. Christmas will come whether I stress out about it or not, and it’s a hell of a lot more enjoyable when I don’t stress.

I’m going to go off to yoga now and just chill in Savasana. You can join me if you want. Just someone remember to wake me up January 2nd.

Filed under: parenting humor Tagged: Christmas stress, continuing with normal life during the holidays, relaxing, stress before the holidays, yoga

12 Days of Christmas Stress—Day 8: Play Christmas Music

We’re getting oh so close to Christmas. Maybe you haven’t lost your mind yet. Maybe you’ve decided that this is the year you’ll scale back. You won’t do the outdoor lights or bake. Maybe you’ve taken my advice and got a sweet pre-lit tree. Perhaps the gift gods have shined upon you and you’ve stumbled upon the perfect gifts for everyone. Well, there’s still time to go insane. It’s actually so easy that you almost can’t avoid it.  Play Christmas music.

Wow! Are You Anti Christmas Music????

Okay, okay…I know you’re thinking, “Oh my God! Is she the Grinch? How could Christmas music possibly cause you to lose your mind?” Well, consider that it’s December 17th and we’ve probably been listening to Christmas music for well over a month and a half now. That’s right…radio stations, commercials, stores…they’ve been subliminally slipping in the Christmas music since before the day they put their Halloween candy on sale for half price.

The radio stations by me have been playing Christmas music since November 1st. Yup. It’s not even cold yet! We haven’t even had turkey yet! What’s going on? When I was a kid, Christmas music, Christmas movies…they didn’t start till mid December, when everyone was ready for the holidays to begin. What’s the rush???? The rush is for the sole purpose of making you lose your mind by Christmas time.

It’s a Slow Insanity

At first, you’re happy to hear those few little notes of holiday cheer. You start humming along, giddy at the sound. The songs remind you of Christmases of yesteryear. There’s actually some memory reaction that music triggers in our brain, so this whole “playing Christmas music before Thanksgiving” isn’t an accident. Retailers are trying to get us to remember Christmas and feel all warm and fuzzy about it. And SHOP. Shop in their stores that are playing “Joy to the World” while you’re looking for Back to School supplies. And it works. You’re remembering playing “Jingle Bells” on your mini keyboard for your family when you were nine—so you grab an identical (and updated) mini keyboard for your own child, hoping she’ll enjoy it as much as you did (you “lost” it in your closet somewhere around New Year’s, but you never remember those sort of details).

As you pass the pre-made gingerbread houses in aisle six with “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree”, you recall making gingerbread houses with your Nana. You toss the gingerbread house in your cart as well—your kids will love it. You can make that when you screw up the cookies Then you pass that damn cologne counter in the mall that usually makes you choke, but it doesn’t this time. ‘Cuz they’re playing “Blue Christmas” and you can smell your grandfather’s cologne. With tears in your eyes, you realize you must buy this for your hubby, boyfriend, significant other. (Which is a little creepy.)

It’s Not Just For Retail

The overkill isn’t just in stores. We’ve been playing it for awhile at home now, too. We’ve listened to Christmas music while putting up lights. And we’ve listened to Christmas music while wrapping. We’ve listened to Christmas music while baking. We’ve gone to our kids’ Christmas concerts at school, we’ve gone Christmas caroling, we’ve been singing Christmas music at church. We’re hearing Christmas music in the car, on TV, at work…we’re hearing it in our sleep.

It’s lost its cheerfulness. It just reminds you that Christmas is fast approaching and you’ve got a ton of crap that still needs to get done. Christmas music becomes that countdown clock in our heads that is tick, tick, ticking away at a breakneck pace. Bing Crosby, Mariah Carey, and Hanson…all singing about how your holiday isn’t as great as theirs. (Well, of course it’s not—I don’t have a maid, a nanny, or a billion dollars.)

And…That’s When We Lose It

All of a sudden, we’re FaLaLaLaLa’d the %&$* out with still over a week till Christmas. At this point in time, we actually don’t want to hear any more Christmas music—ever. We’re dying to turn on the radio in the car and hear Beyonce singing about something that isn’t mistletoe or boughs of holly. You know every verse to “Silent Night” and that’s all you want…a SILENT NIGHT. No Jingle Bell Rock, no Deck the Halls, no Little Drummer Boy.

You vow to take your sanity back. You pour yourself a cup of tea, turn off the radio and sit in blissful silence. For about thirty seconds. Then you jump up and return to your holiday duties…after all, you still have so much left to do.

Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe Christmas music isn’t stressing you out. You’re one of those people that have “Everything done” (and are so quick to tell everyone on social media about it and how you don’t understand why the rest of us suckers are still rushing around like headless chickens). In that case, you can listen to your Christmas music—in your own car, your own house, your own headphones. But don’t let me hear it…I just may go off the deep end.

Photo Credit: Photo by David Beale on Unsplash

The post 12 Days of Christmas Stress—Day 8: Play Christmas Music appeared first on Author Heather Balog.

12 Ways to Lose Your Mind This Christmas—#8

We’re getting oh so close to Christmas. Maybe you haven’t lost your mind yet. Maybe you’ve decided that this is the year you’ll scale back. You won’t do the outdoor lights or bake. Maybe you’ve taken my advice and got a sweet pre-lit tree. Perhaps the gift gods have shined upon you and you’ve stumbled upon the perfect gifts for everyone. Well, there’s still time to go insane. It’s actually so easy that you almost can’t avoid it.

#8. Play Christmas music. Okay, okay…I know you’re thinking, “Oh my God! Is she the Grinch? How could Christmas music possibly cause you to lose your mind?” Well, consider that it’s December 17th and we’ve probably been listening to Christmas music for well over a month and a half now. That’s right…radio stations, commercials, stores…they’ve been subliminally slipping in the Christmas music since before the day they put their Halloween candy on sale for half price.

The radio stations by me have been playing Christmas music since November 1st. Yup. It’s not even cold yet! We haven’t even had turkey yet! What’s going on? When I was a kid, Christmas music, Christmas movies…they didn’t start till mid December, when everyone was ready for the holidays to begin. What’s the rush???? The rush is for the sole purpose of making you lose your mind by Christmas time.

At first, you’re happy to hear those few little notes of holiday cheer. You start humming along, giddy at the sound. The songs remind you of Christmases of yesteryear. There’s actually some memory reaction that music triggers in our brain, so this whole “playing Christmas music before Thanksgiving” isn’t an accident. Retailers are trying to get us to remember Christmas and feel all warm and fuzzy about it. And SHOP. Shop in their stores that are playing “Joy to the World” while you’re looking for Back to School supplies. And it works. You’re remembering playing “Jingle Bells” on your mini keyboard for your family when you were nine—so you grab an identical (and updated) mini keyboard for your own child, hoping she’ll enjoy it as much as you did (you “lost” it in your closet somewhere around New Year’s, but you never remember those sort of details). As you pass the pre-made gingerbread houses in aisle six with “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree”, you recall making gingerbread houses with your nana. You toss the gingerbread house in your cart as well—your kids will love it. You can make that when you screw up the cookies Then you pass that damn cologne counter in the mall that usually makes you choke, but it doesn’t this time. ‘Cuz they’re playing “Blue Christmas” and you can smell your grandfather’s cologne. With tears in your eyes, you realize you must buy this for your hubby, boyfriend, significant other. (Which is a little creepy.)

The overkill isn’t just in stores. We’ve been playing it for awhile at home now, too. We’ve listened to Christmas music while putting up lights. We’ve listened to Christmas music while wrapping. We’ve listened to Christmas music while baking. We’ve gone to our kids’ Christmas concerts at school, we’ve gone Christmas caroling, we’ve been singing Christmas music at church. We’re hearing Christmas music in the car, on TV, at work…we’re hearing it in our sleep. It’s lost its cheerfulness. It just reminds you that Christmas is fast approaching and you’ve got a ton of crap that still needs to get done. Christmas music becomes that countdown clock in our heads that is tick, tick, ticking away at a breakneck pace. Bing Crosby, Mariah Carey, and Hanson…all singing about how your holiday isn’t as great as theirs. (Well, of course it’s not—I don’t have a maid, a nanny, or a billion dollars.)

All of a sudden, we’re FaLaLaLaLa’d the %&$* out with still over a week till Christmas. At this point in time, we actually don’t want to hear any more Christmas music—ever. We’re dying to turn on the radio in the car and hear Beyonce singing about something that isn’t mistletoe or boughs of holly. You know every verse to “Silent Night” and that’s all you want…a SILENT NIGHT. No Jingle Bell Rock, no Deck the Halls, no Little Drummer Boy.

You vow to take your sanity back. You pour yourself a cup of tea, turn off the radio and sit in blissful silence. For about thirty seconds. Then you jump up and return to your holiday duties…after all, you still have so much left to do.

Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe Christmas music isn’t stressing you out. You’re one of those people that have “Everything done” (and are so quick to tell everyone on social media about it and how you don’t understand why the rest of us suckers are still rushing around like headless chickens). In that case, you can listen to your Christmas music—in your own car, your own house, your own headphones. But don’t let me hear it…I just may go off the deep end.

Filed under: parenting humor Tagged: #christmasmusic, Christmas carols, Christmas music, Christmas songs

The Bad Mommy Cooks—Arizona

Hallelujah, I’ve redeemed myself after my Boston Cream massacre. Arizona was the state we pulled from the hat this week—I should be able to cook a decent meal from Arizona. After all, I lived there for three months. Yes, you read that correctly. Back on ’99, we wanted to try something different before we settled down and bought a house. Travel nursing beckoned me. In theory, it was a fabulous way to see the country and get paid to do it. I would be able to beef up my resume and get experience as a nurse at the same time.

In theory it was a great idea. In reality, it led us to Arizona. In June. July. And August. Otherwise known as THE SURFACE OF THE FREAKING SUN. I thought nothing could be worse than growing up in the humid swamp of New Jersey in the middle of the summer. After all, Arizona is a dry heat. Ha! If I had a dollar for every time I heard that. Let me tell you something…heat is heat. When it’s literally 120 degrees and you can fry an egg on the sidewalk (we actually watched them do this in downtown Oatman), it doesn’t matter a fart if it’s a dry heat—you’re dying either way. Seriously, we had to bring a cooler to go to the grocery store or our ice cream would melt (IN THE AIR CONDITIONED CAR!!!) on the way home.

The place we lived, Bullhead City, was virtually unheard of and barely inhabited at the time. [image error]

This was actually the view from our bedroom window. That grocery store we had to drive to? Yeah, that was 17 minutes away. There wasn’t much around except lizards and tumbleweeds. When you come from a built up area like we do, that’s a bitter pill to swallow. Within a week, we had already gone to the lake and the river and were bored and homesick.   Not only were restaurants for us to frequent in short supply (except McDonald’s), we were dirt poor and couldn’t have afforded to eat in a restaurant anyway. So we cooked a lot out there. Obviously with its close proximity to Mexico, Mexican food is pretty popular in Arizona. Maybe this is why when I cook Mexican/ TexMex food, I do pretty well. I must have absorbed Mexican cooking knowledge as I slept so close to the border or something.

However, I had never made chimichangas, a classic Mexican dish. I decided to attempt it after the disastrous Massachusetts dessert last week. To make it even more authentic, I had hubby whip up his world-famous guacamole. Ok, maybe I was craving it and I claimed it was necessary for the meal. Hey, he fell for it.

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The chimichangas weren’t too complicated either. We decided on beef, but you can make pork or chicken as well. First you brown the beef and add minced onions:

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Then you add the spices (oregano, cumin, chili powder) and garlic. I was nervous that it wouldn’t have much flavor because hubby used up the last garlic clove making the guac (which is now repeating on me as I type this), so I put extra chili powder and added garlic powder. A LOT of garlic powder.

I tasted it and it still was kind of blah, so I added a lot more chili powder. Then I proceeded to get a clump of the chili powder in my mouth as I tasted the beef. Yikes. Then you add tomato sauce and refried bean. I wanted to add the beans, but I was outnumbered. If you make this and use refried beans, send me some so I can taste it the way it was meant to be tasted.

Next you roll the beef into the tortillas and toothpick them in place. (Be sure to remove said toothpicks from the tortilla after it’s fried…it hurts the roof of your mouth big time when you bite into that.)

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You can fry on the stove, but we have a deep fryer, so we used that. (What’s one more mess to clean up???)

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While that fried up, I made the sauce to go on top—tomato sauce with jalepenos and diced green chiles. Hubby diced everything since he’s much faster at it than I am and doesn’t cut himself like I do.

When the rolled up tortillas come out of the fryer, top them with shredded Monterey jack/cheddar, the sauce, shredded lettuce and a dollop of cream cheese.

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Here’s an inside view:

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They were really filling—we could only eat one apiece so we had two left over. I’m not sure that they’ll warm up well though. At any rate, the meal got three thumbs up (the fourth thumb is at work again) and I got the go ahead to make them again in the future! Maybe I’ll try the pork next time—y’all know how I feel about pulled pork.

Filed under: cooking Tagged: #texmex, Arizona, Arizona eats, chimichanga, guacamole, Mexican food

12 Days of Christmas Stress—Day 7: Elf Antics

Get yourself The Elf on the Shelf. Yeah I know. I wrote a blog a few years ago about Why I Love That Creepy Little Elf on the Shelf. I was even a guest on some random Canadian radio station, singing the praises of the elf and telling everyone why they needed an elf in their house. And it was all true. I did love the elf (at the time). It was a fun tradition that we had in our house, but let me tell you, I am soooo glad that we don’t have to really deal with the Elf any more.

Wait, You Don’t Have an Elf????

Sure, he’s still around—I think he’s hanging from the mistletoe today—but there is absolutely no pressure whatsoever to move him. Or create an elaborate scenario for him to act out like Elfie has a snowball fight with Barbie, or Elfie is ziplining across the living room, or Elfie drank too much eggnog and is throwing up in the sink…you know, normal things like that. I don’t leap out of bed at 4 am with the sinking feeling I forgot to move the elf and wondering oh my god why are the kids up so early? I also don’t have to wait until my kids go to bed, yawning and rubbing my eyes, just so I can move aforementioned elf.

Things are So Much More Complicated Now

I laugh at the elf antics posted on Facebook and I feel sorry for the parents who have kids that are still in this stage. Because as fun as it was, there was a lot of stress associated with that elf. And it seems so much more difficult now than it was even three or four years ago—the elves are going crazy lately. Not only are they showing up as early as Thanksgiving (5 weeks of elf hiding spots? Are you kidding me??? I could barely handle 2 weeks!), all of a sudden, the elves bring gifts and promises and notes regarding behavior, making the whole elf process way more complicated than it ever was for us.

And there’s no way to prevent your kid from knowing what’s going on with other elves and feeling the pressure to keep up. Not only are other moms and dads posting their elf’s antics, the kids are posting to their own social media accounts. Kids are coming home and saying “Jenny’s elf brought her a bicycle and a Nintendo Switch today, why doesn’t my elf ever bring me anything?”

The Elf on the Shelf was a Good Thing For Sure

Don’t get me wrong—the elf really helped the kids get in the holiday spirit and it was a cool tradition to have, one we didn’t have growing up. It was priceless watching the kids try to find him in the morning…even when I knew they didn’t believe in his magic anymore. It was fun dressing him up in a motorcycle jacket and hiding him in the freezer. And it was fun getting hubby to laugh when I had the elf working out in the basement. But like everything else associated with Christmas, it became too much. Just an added stressor at a time when my patience was already stretched thin and I was full of holiday frustration.

I Blinked and it Was Over

Like all things with kids, it was a stage that went by quickly. One minute, a stuffed doll was able to keep my kids in line before Christmas, and seemingly the next, they don’t care about Santa…or even presents. They just care about money. Give me cash, they say when asked what they want for Christmas and birthdays now.

It makes me a little weepy to think they grew up so fast, to think my days of hiding gifts and assembling Barbie houses at 2 am on Christmas morning have gone away. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to have older kids. The stress of keeping the magic of Christmas isn’t looming over my head like a black cloud. We don’t have to mail letters to Santa or drive ourselves nuts trying to find that one gift they asked Santa for. There’s no waiting till they go to bed to drag gifts out of the basement from behind the furnace. We don’t need to read the Night Before Christmas or even put out cookies for Santa (we do anyway…I like cookies). It’s liberating and disheartening at the same time.

So ladies and gentlemen, make sure you move your elf for your little ones tonight…but don’t stress over it because that’s not worth your time. What’s worth your time is the joy it brings your kids. Enjoy it while it lasts…it doesn’t last forever.

The post 12 Days of Christmas Stress—Day 7: Elf Antics appeared first on Author Heather Balog.

12 Ways to Lose Your Mind this Christmas—#7

#7. Get yourself The Elf on the Shelf. Yeah I know. I wrote a blog a few years ago about Why I Love That Creepy Little Elf on the Shelf. I was even a guest on some random Canadian radio station, singing the praises of the elf and telling everyone why they needed an elf in their house. And it was all true. I did love the elf (at the time). It was a fun tradition that we had in our house, but let me tell you, I am soooo glad that we don’t have to really deal with the Elf any more. Sure, he’s still around—I think he’s hanging from the mistletoe today—but there is absolutely no pressure whatsoever to move him. Or create an elaborate scenario for him to act out like Elfie has a snowball fight with Barbie, or Elfie is ziplining across the living room, or Elfie drank too much eggnog and is throwing up in the sink…you know, normal things like that. I don’t leap out of bed at 6 am with the sinking feeling I forgot to move the elf and wondering oh my god why are the kids up so early? I also don’t have to wait until my kids go to bed, yawning and rubbing my eyes, just so I can move aforementioned elf.

I laugh at the elf antics posted on Facebook and I feel sorry for the parents who have kids that are still elf age. Because as fun as it was, there was a lot of stress associated with that elf. And it seems so much more difficult now than it was even three or four years ago—the elves are going crazy lately. Not only are they showing up as early as Thanksgiving (5 weeks of elf hiding spots? Are you kidding me??? I could barely handle 2 weeks!), all of a sudden, the elves bring gifts and promises and notes regarding behavior, making the whole elf process way more complicated than it ever was for us. And there’s no way to prevent your kid from knowing what’s going on with other elves and feeling the pressure to keep up. Not only are other moms and dads posting their elf’s antics, the kids are posting to their own social media accounts. Kids are coming home and saying “Jenny’s elf brought her a bicycle and a Nintendo Switch today, why doesn’t my elf ever bring me anything?”

Don’t get me wrong—the elf really helped the kids get in the holiday spirit and it was a cool tradition to have, one we didn’t have growing up. It was priceless watching the kids try to find the elf in the morning…even when I knew they didn’t believe in his magic anymore. It was fun dressing him up in a motorcycle jacket and hiding him in the freezer. It was fun getting hubby to laugh when I had the elf working out in the basement. But like everything else associated with Christmas, it became too much. Just an added stressor at a time when my patience was already stretched thin and I was full of holiday frustration. Like all things with kids, it was a stage that went by quickly…one minute, a stuffed doll was able to keep my kids in line before Christmas, and seemingly the next, they don’t care about Santa…or even presents. They just care about money. Give me cash, they say when asked what they want for Christmas and birthdays now. It makes me a little weepy to think they grew up so fast, to think my days of hiding gifts and assembling Barbie houses at 2 am on Christmas morning have gone away. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to have older kids because the stress of keeping the magic of Christmas isn’t looming over my head like a black cloud. We don’t have to mail letters to Santa or drive ourselves nuts trying to find that one gift they asked Santa for. There’s no waiting till they go to bed to drag gifts out of the basement from behind the furnace. We don’t need to read the Night Before Christmas or even put out cookies for Santa (we do anyway…I like cookies). It’s liberating and disheartening at the same time.

So ladies and gentlemen, make sure you move your elf for your little ones tonight…but don’t stress over it because that’s not worth your time. What’s worth your time is the joy it brings your kids. Enjoy it while it lasts…it doesn’t last forever.

Filed under: parenting humor Tagged: #elfontheshelf, 12 Ways to lose your mind for Christmas, Christmas elf, elf antics

The Bad Mommy Cooks—Massachusetts

Massachusetts is our 13th state. That means we are about 25% of the way done with our state tour. Here’s a quick recap of the first 12 states (each

12 Days of Christmas Stress—Day 6: Bake Christmas Cookies

You’ve shopped, you’ve wrapped…you’ve even decorated. You should be able to relax and enjoy the season now, right? Wrong. You’ve got to bake Christmas cookies.

I really want to know what sadistic jerk decided that not only do we need gifts and decorations to make our holiday complete, we need cookies as well. And no, we can’t just buy Holiday Oreos or Chips Ahoy. Oh no—they need to be homemade. You can’t just make one type of cookie, either. What fun is that? There’s an unwritten rule that you must to make a variety of cookies or you are just not getting the Christmas spirit.

Sure, it sounds like a great idea. Who doesn’t like cookies? And of course, it’s a fun family activity—you can make a day of it and bake with your kids, creating memories that will last a lifetime. It’s really so easy to do. In fact, I’ve included instructions on

How to bake Christmas cookies in 50 easy steps:

Go on Pinterest. Find twenty-seven dozen cookie recipes cookies that look ah-mazing. Pin all of them.
Buy three pounds of sugar, six dozen eggs, and five pounds of flour. Don’t forget butter, brown sugar, and peanut butter. Oh, and sprinkles, icing, Hershey kisses, chocolate chips, red colored sugar, green colored sugar, red hots, and wine. (The wine isn’t for the cookies…it’s for the baking.)
Wake up super early on a Sunday morning so you can be done baking before noon.
Turn on Christmas music and preheat oven.
Gather the children and give them instructions to “help”. Instructions vary from how to crack eggs without getting the shell in the batter to how to measure sugar without eating it.
Decide to double first batch of cookies since everyone loves chocolate chip cookies. It’s okay that they’re not really Christmas-y. You’ll make Christmas-y cookies later.
Forget to soften butter ahead of time. Try to soften butter in the microwave. End up with half a frozen stick of butter and half bubbling, melted butter.
Add sugar to butter.
Then add flour, baking soda, etc. etc, etc.
Realize you added baking powder instead of baking soda. Assume they’re the same thing and move on.
Forget that you only doubled the first half of the recipe and wonder why the batter is lumpy.
Figure out why—you didn’t double the flour.
Add more flour.
Forget that you needed more baking powder soda, too.
Pour wine. It’s almost noon. Oh, wait, it’s only 10 am. Put wine aside for now and add Bailey’s to your coffee.
Kick kids out of the kitchen because they’re distracting you and you’re making mistakes.
Throw cookies out and start over again.
Quickly whip up batch without mistakes.
Call kids back in and let them lick the beaters.
Drop cookies onto cookie sheet and place in (very) pre-heated oven.
Ask kids to help you clean up the dishes from that batch and realize they have disappeared.
Oven dings to signal cookies are ready. Children reappear.
Slap the children’s hands ad tell them they have to wait.
Try to transfer cookies from backing sheet onto cooling rack—half the cookies fall apart. The other half have the consistency of tiny frisbees.
Children eat all 12 cookies from first batch before you can put the next batch on the cookie sheet. Shrug it off—they were just the “test batch” anyway. Make four more dozen cookies. Salvage 10 of them.
Start on next type of cookie.
Discover that you don’t have enough brown sugar. Use extra white sugar to make up the difference.
Realize it’s lunch time and the kids crying because they are hungry. Let them eat the rest of the cookies made thus far.
Eat raw cookie dough because you’re hungry.
Pour wine.
Put next batch on cookie sheet.
Try to clean up the flour that is covering the entire kitchen while you wait for cookies to bake.
Instead of crying, drink more wine.
Take cookies out. Poke cookies and find that the middles aren’t done. Wonder if your oven is broken.
Put cookies back in the oven.
As a result, set off smoke detector.
Remove burnt cookies from oven and toss into trash.
And…have another glass of wine.
Decide you are going to make the sugar cookies and then you are abandoning this project because it has become an epic fail.
Make sugar cookie dough.
Kids ask to lick the beaters and declare the cookies “gross”.
Make sugar cookies in the shape of Santa anyway.
And…time for more wine.
Try to decorate the misshapen cookies when they come out of the oven.
Get icing and colored sugar everywhere except for on the cookies.
Realize your Santa cookies look like Santa is part of a Picasso painting.
Look at clock and discover it is now dinner time. And you’ve been baking for ten hours. And you have nothing to show for it.
So you pour another glass of wine and cry about your failure to be a domestic goddess.
Have husband drive you to store because you are now drunk.
Buy Holiday Oreos.

 

*So you don’t feel too bad, here is a picture of one of my greatest cookie fails:

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The post 12 Days of Christmas Stress—Day 6: Bake Christmas Cookies appeared first on Author Heather Balog.