Stephanie Hamilton's Blog

What If They Don’t Include Her?

For the past 12 years, March has been a pivotal month.

On the 2nd of March in 2006, I said goodbye to an ideal, and faced my most difficult lessons in vulnerability, courage, and letting go of perfection, when I gave birth to my daughter Ruby who has Down Syndrome.

In Dubai, March usually ushers in the warmer weather, with skies becoming clearer just for a short time before the air is filled with fragments of gold dust (or to take the glamour out of it, we see more sand storms!).  Every March 21st, we celebrate World Down Syndrome Day.  I can still remember that very first walk around Safa Park 12 years ago where my flesh felt tender, and my soul even more so. Pushing this tiny bundle of chromosomal wonder around I was hoping I wouldn’t have a breakdown. Turns out I was still coming to grips with the idea of a giving birth to a child that I had not dreamed of, or asked for. There may or may not have been a sand storm that day, but one thing I know for sure is that I wore my sunglasses even though it was overcast (in case of a sandstorm approaching of course…).

I’ve written about my journey with Down Syndrome and this incredible human being many times before, but one thing I’ve never really expressed is a fear that most of us come across in our lifetime.  It is that deep seated small voice of insecurity that resides in our social programming.  The “What if they don’t like me?”, or “What if I don’t get chosen?”, or even “Am I good enough?”.

Inclusion is a huge buzz word that seems to percolate and drip feed into conversations, particularly when discussing education here in Dubai.  Going back 12 years ago, I can still feel my skin tightening in resistance to the cold metal surface that lay beneath me as the recovery room feel silent and they whisked my baby away.  There was an eery calm that fell over the room that day, and it was not until the words “Down Syndrome” were uttered, that the cold amplified through my veins. My mind raced with visions of my child sitting alone in the playground, or even worse being bullied.

“What if they don’t include her?”

 

My own insecurities bubbled to the surface with memories of being bullied in Kindergarten, then again in 6th grade.  Perhaps there were more times, but I think we tend to bottle those painful memories in our subconscious and hope they never rise again to hurt us.

Rise and bubble.  Rise and simmer.  Rise…

“What if they DON’T INCLUDE HER?”

Down Syndrome, otherwise known as Trisomy 21 is a genetic condition affecting the 21st pair of chromosomes.  In this case, there are 3, so a lucky dip if you like.  From where I’m standing, I can tell you that even though the text books paint a grim picture of what life with Down Syndrome may look like, never underestimate the power of that extra chromosome.  The emotional intelligence, sharp intuitive senses, and ability to connect on the deepest level far outweigh any delays in walking, talking, or academic achievement.  Of course there are people like my friend  Emmanuel Joseph who has Down Syndrome, is a polyglot (speaks 9 languages), plays 3 instruments, has played gold on the PGA circuit. He is also an international advocate who travels the world to share his story. I wish someone had told me about him as I was nursing those insecurities!

Ruby is in Year 6 in mainstream school. The journey has been long, arduous, victorious, and joyful all at once.  Inclusion is still figuring itself out. We are advocating for equality where we can, and we will continue to do so.  Having 2 other beautiful girls has allowed us to see the similarities and differences that parenting a child like Ruby brings.  In most cases, I can tell you there is no difference at all, but then of course in my experience, I can also say that parenting Ruby has been one of the hardest jobs I have ever done in my life, but who is to say that this wouldn’t be the case if she didn’t have Down Syndrome? Many of our challenges with her may be perhaps due to her personality traits, and not Down Syndrome itself?

One thing I can say for sure is that parenting a “person of determination” breeds certain qualities in their siblings. Our two girls Olivia 16, and Lily 8 certainly have fostered compassion, empathy, resilience, and tolerance to the highest degree. These are qualities that I know will be of great use in the future in this ever changing world, and for that I am grateful.

So back to my question and my greatest fears….

“What if they don’t include her?”

Ruby recently celebrated her 12th birthday with a disco at home.  We invited her whole class plus a few others, and were so happy to see almost every single child attend her party.  There were boys in Ruby’s class that don’t normally attend girls birthday parties. Their Mums went out of their way to tell me that it was really important to them that they attend Ruby’s party. I cannot tell you the joy I felt seeing my girl playing with 20 some odd other children here at home, dancing, singing, swinging, and eating pizza on her special day.  Ruby has been blessed with some incredible friends, and it is by inclusion and integration in her classroom that these friendships have developed over the past few years.  There is no pity party here.  These kids genuinely love Ruby for who she is and see her gifts so beautifully. 

Our biggest challenges lie in educating adults when it comes to the potential and abilities that are held in our daughter’s DNA.  The fears I had of children being unkind or cruel are no match for the relentless truth of pursuing the true goal of inclusion in the adult world.  We are getting there, but it is not without continuous championing and advocating for our children that this will become a reality.

I am grateful for how far we’ve come, but what warms my heart the most, is that these beautiful children that surround Ruby with their love are the leaders of the future.  I just wish their time to lead would come sooner!!

They do the most beautiful job of including, nurturing, understanding, and loving our daughter.

Happy World Down Syndrome Day!  12 years on, it is a an honour to walk this path and educate, advocate, and mainstream beauty in difference.

For more information on the advocacy work I am passionate about, please visit www.iammostextraordinary.com.

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Could You Care Less?

“Could you care less?”

“About what?” I hear you ask….

Take a look around you at all the women you know.  First there’s your friend who’s got it all together.  We’ll skip her, as ironically, she doesn’t exist.  Her image is found within each of us as the unrealistic ideal that we were brought up to aspire to.

“Could you care less?” I ask again, this time with a bit more emphasis.

I can feel the irritation starting to mount, and this is where things get tricky and uncomfortable.  This is the part where I start pointing fingers and you start looking at your instagram story, because you know the average attention span is now down to  12 seconds (my husband told me so last night).

“Could you care less about yourself?”….

We are in a time of crisis on this planet.  Bombs.  Attacks.  Children dying.  Cancer.   For some strange reason we continue to look outward, trying to make sense of it all, and none of it makes sense.

We are stressed, worried, and full of anxiety, but we continue to soldier on, carrying on as the martyrs that our mothers taught us to be (to be fair, their mothers taught them too).  We find every excuse in the book why we can’t take time to do something completely and utterly selfish, and we do this on a regular basis!

The line between selfishness and selflessness for women, and particularly mothers,  is hard to navigate.  It’s no easy task.   When given the choice, most of us default to selflessness, feeling that heaviness and sense of guilt when we do surrender to our cravings for “me time”.

My personal wake up call came in many waves.   The first being the birth of my daughter with Down Syndrome, but probably even more significant than that was when I was diagnosed with Autoimmune Hypothyroidism (Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis) just after that life changing birth.  An autoimmune disease  occurs when the body starts attacking it’s own systems and line of defense.

“Why would it do that?” I hear you ask.

Holds breath.

“Maybe because I couldn’t have cared less?”

The truth hurts.  If I’m honest, and really look at what was going on in this time of my life, my whole purpose was to create a sense of perfection so that others would approve.  There was a deep sense of unworthiness, and a sense of duty to give to everyone but myself.  I pushed my physical body to the limits thinking that I was achieving some quality “me time”.  In actual fact I was wearing my body down so hard, not listening, and not giving it any love or form of nourishment that it fought back.  At the peak of my diagnosis I gained 6 kgs in one week!  I was going to the gym for an average of 2 hours a day, 6 days a week. I stopped sweating, and here in Dubai that is no mean feat!  I woke up every day feeling as though someone had whacked me over the head with a brick, and hadn’t even had a drink the night before. I cried at the drop of the hat, and found it hard to remember simple things.

Then came the point when I had to CARE.   I had been punishing my body, pushing my physical container to try to reach societal norms.  The other parts of me remained dormant and didn’t seem important.  My soul? My creativity?  My emotional state? That all seemed secondary, possibly even imaginary until the point came when my body fought back hard.  My salvation came through the form of yoga, meditation, learning about foods that heal the body, energy and colour healing, and a newfound sense of creativity.  Not necessarily in that order, but they are all tools in my toolkit and are essential to my ongoing growth and healing.

Could you care less?

For whether it is hypothyroidism, endometriosis, post natal depression, cancer, bipolar disorder, heart disease, type 2 diabetes, or just a sense of feeling “unbalanced”, women’s health issues are on the rise, and it is our turn to ask ourselves why we care so little about ourselves when the future of our planet is dependant on our ability to really start CARING for ourselves.

 

It’s an ongoing journey, but we’ve got to start somewhere. I started taking small trips away, which at first were trips to my bedroom to meditate for 15 minutes with the door locked, hoping and praying that no one would find me.  Next came taking courses and taking time to  learn about things I love like photography, nutrition, and healing modalities.  Then came retreats, and I can honestly say that these were a natural progression from where I started.  All roads lead to nowhere unless you have a destination in mind, and for me that destination was learning to heal myself and find energy to be with the ones I love and do the things I love doing most.  I am so passionate about creating that time and space for myself that I have now spilled that over for others to learn to do the same.

What steps will you take in your own self care journey?

During the month of Ramadan, I have created some space and time just for YOU to dive a little deeper into your own sense of selfishness.  It’s time for us collectively to care more for ourselves so that we can teach our daughters to do the same.  Every Tuesday for the month of Ramadan,  I will host a morning retreat with a different focus.  Each week has it’s own theme and gives you permission to breathe, move, create, indulge, and experience a sense of peace and joy in the process.

In the first week we will focus on our vision by learning how to clear unwanted energy in our lives, as well as learning simple energy principles to bring more of what we really want as we approach the long, hot summer.  Each participant will experience a beautiful colour breathing meditation, and create a vision board.

The second week focuses on nourishing our bodies learning to create colour “fuel” salads, iced teas/elixirs, and guilt free treats.  A lot of us feel we lack inspiration in the kitchen, and I’ve come up with a simple formula to help you create something beautiful, nourishing, and delicious every time using simple ingredients.

Week 3 is called indulge for a reason.  We will enjoy a restorative yoga class for all levels, meditate, participate in some skincare rituals with Shirley Conlon Organics, and learn to make raw chocolate. It’s going to be a delicious morning!

On week 4 we work on fostering more presence through Aromatherapy meditation, creating a zen garden, and flower mandala, as well as using iphoneography (basically taking photos with your iphone) to learn the practise of daily gratitude.

You can participate in all 4 weeks (special rates apply), or take part in the morning retreats that interest you most.  Each retreat happens on a Tuesday starting this Tuesday, May 30th, and will happen on consecutive Tuesdays for the month of Ramadan (May 30th, June 6th, June 13th, and June 20th) from 9am to 1230pm.  The energy exchange for each morning is 475 dhs inclusive of all materials, morning tea, and lunch.  Participate in 2 retreats, save 50 dhs, take 3 and save 100 dhs.  Do all 4 (only the truly selfish need apply…) and you’ll receive 200 dhs off the total cost of all 4 mornings!

Let’s create a movement that our children will be proud of.  Let us look back at ourselves and know that we are able to be fully present and able to live the lives we were meant to, but first….let’s start caring for ourselves.

For more information, and to book your morning retreat(s), visit Nektar Soul Retreats.

Activewear by Tonic UAE.

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Surfing Taught Me About Down Syndrome

Water is a metaphor for many things in life.

It has the ability to excite, soothe, cleanse, and terrify us all at once, and it’s safe to say that water is incredibly powerful.

I recently got back from my dream job in Costa Rica where I was asked to photograph a group of women on the Living in Light retreat hosted by the lovely Chloe from Chloe’s Countertop.  It was a self care and self awareness retreat set in the tropical jungle on the Nicoya Peninsula at the incredible Sanctuary at Two Rivers facility.

I had just returned from hosting my own retreat in Tanzania and had been feeling quite light and rejuvenated.  I didn’t have many expectations in terms of my own healing journey as my first priority was to make sure I documented this trip beautifully for Chloe.  I felt that I had experienced a layer of healing in Africa, and that maybe, for once I was off the hook on my healing journey.

Of course I knew deep down there are always more layers to peel, but I couldn’t allow myself to focus on anything other than honouring my intention to capture the beauty of transformation in the participants for that week.

I’ll start off by saying that the trip was really and truly a gift to me in so many ways, so thank you again Chloe not only for helping one of my greatest dreams come true, but for also holding space for my own healing journey to go even deeper.  I’ll add that the average age on this retreat of the women attending was about 25. At the age of 44, it would be natural for me to want to play mother hen and to want to help others, but the energy of the jungle had another plan for me and it wasn’t going to allow me to slip back into the role of matron.

When I agreed to take part, my mind played tricks on me and it was only later that I realised I would be missing my middle daughter Ruby’s 11th birthday (Ruby has Down Syndrome and every year inevitably brings with it another layer of realisation or healing of some sort).  “How could I have forgotten this major detail, and how could I have possibly agreed to go away on her birthday??”, I mean, I have never missed any of my girl’s birthdays!

The Universe always has a greater plan for us and it is through active faith that I have learned to trust in this great truth.

One of the things I had been looking forward to the most on this trip was the chance to go surfing as it’s not something I’m naturally good at. I had my heart set to experience “success” this time around.

As we lined up, chose our boards, and put on our rashies, the instructors went over the steps for “success”.  A funny feeling stirred inside of me as I felt excited and yet I felt something brewing.  It was  the kind of feeling I get when I experience a “download” from my intuition or higher self.  I listened intently and decided to ignore the all too familiar feeling.

As I picked up my board and approached the water, the feeling became audible.

“Just enjoy the ride.  You’re not going to get up on that board today, so just enjoy your surroundings and the feeling of the waves, sun, and the freedom of being  halfway around the world, away from any responsibility on this beautiful beach.”

My instructor came over and ushered me up on my board.

“Let’s go!!” he encouraged me enthusiastically.

And so this is where my ego took over.  In fact, after this experience it became clear to me that the instructor literally became the voice of my ego.

My heart said “Go, just get on your belly and enjoy the waves”

My head said “You are 44! They are 25! You can’t act like you’re not going to even try to get up on that board! What will they think?”

My instructor was on cue.  With every thought that I would just “let it go” and ride on my belly he seemed to sniff me out like a great white shark, rushing over, meticulously recounting the steps of “success” to me and assuring me that I would without a doubt ride a wave before the end of the session.  He nearly had me convinced…

And so with every passing wave I waited, jumped on the board, aligned myself, checked my balance, and whoosh….

It was the same story over and over again.  I had all the steps down but had a hard time letting go at the right time with my arms to stand up, and so time and time again I fell.  And I crashed.  I even got hit in the forehead by the surfboard.

And then I cried.

I cried with frustration.  I cried into that ocean with pity for myself because I couldn’t even manage to get it right.  And I cried because I didn’t have the voice to tell my ego (and my instructor) that it was ok to just play and enjoy riding the board on my belly, not worrying about what others would think.  I also cried because I’m not supposed to worry what others think!  The surfboard knocking me on the head was my higher self playing with me. “Can’t you hear me?”,  I heard the voice say.

I’m sure you’re wondering at this stage what any of this has to do with Down Syndrome.

Well let me tell you.

The few hours I spent in the ocean that day brought me closer to understanding my daughter and her journey more than any other time in my life and I feel it is important to share with you.

Here’s the thing.

Ruby spends a lot of her time “trying”.

Whether it’s learning to tie her shoes, or learning to read and write, it takes a lot of effort navigating her world with Down Syndrome.

A LOT.

The word repetition takes on a completely new meaning when learning a new skill.

First there is familiarisation.  The intake.  The observation and processing.

Then we TRY.

And often we fail which ends in a standoff and a lot of sitting doing what most of us would judge as “nothing”.

After a lot of bribes and much convincing, we are lucky if we can try again.  I guess this is something that I realised through the tears, frustration and failure I experienced that day in the ocean.

My yearning for Ruby to keep trying and to “succeed” at the task at hand is purely down to my own ego and societal norms. I have been conditioned to believe that there must be a destination for every journey.  As the surf instructor was my ego, so too is my will for Ruby to succeed.

For the first time I asked myself honestly and truthfully “Does there really need to be a destination?”

I could feel with all of my heart as I thrashed around fighting with that surfboard the enormity and density of this question.

The words reframed, “What if we keep trying, and trying and never manage to reach the destination?”

So there it was, crystal clear as I looked up to the heavens and the incredible blue sky laced with cotton ball clouds as the waves thrashed against me.  My eyes were swollen, my nose was running, and my chest was heaving as I cried for nearly the entire hour of surfing.  I was never going to get up on that board because I had to feel what it feels like to really want to do something and accept that it’s not always going to happen. Even when armed with all the tools in front of me aligning me for “success”,  I was never going to do it on that day.

I needed to FEEL her.

Her strength.  That tenacity.  An endless sense of wanting to just “be” and not always be chasing a goal.

Visions ran through my mind of the many times I walked away in frustration thinking she would never “get there”.  The times we sat tracing over white boards trying to form letters.  Or how about the many times that I pushed her into the water when she resisted swimming, as I thought she was being lazy.  Making it about me and not her.  And it’s ok. I’m not beating myself up about it as I understand this all to be a learning process.  My tears in the ocean that day came from a very special place.

Those tears allowed me to feel what it’s like to be awake and alive. Sobbing tears allowed my heart to connect to my daughter and feel her message from so far away,  cleansing me deeply and allowing the deepest joy to emerge. I knew that I had penetrated another layer in my awareness of what it must be like to have a condition like Down Syndrome.

To understand what it must be like to want to do things, but at your own pace, and to really feel what it is like to not reach your destination and be ok with it.

We are a culture of “no excuses”, and are raising children in an age where achievement, goals, and success are paramount.

While I am a huge advocate of helping to develop my daughter’s to their fullest potential, this experience cracked me open and allowed a new truth to ooze from my soul.

It is ok to try and try again with the idea that you may never get there.  It really is ok….

Unlimited possibilities lie in the realm of acceptance, and accepting and embracing our differences is the biggest step towards success that I can possibly dream of.

So on this day of differences, in celebration of World Down Syndrome Day, Ruby I salute you and I thank you once again for being my spiritual teacher.  This has unquestionably always been a big part of your life path and you have served me well.

Namaste little guru, and Happy World Down Syndrome Day!!

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10 Things I Have Learned about Down Syndrome

I am sitting here at my keyboard staring at the screen, my eyes bulging from the glow and hum of the electromagnetic field.

You see, I’m contemplating whether to publish this post or keep it to myself.  I find writing intensely therapeutic and even more so when it involves purging feelings and ideas that I am not able to articulate on a daily basis.

Ever since Ruby was born 10 years ago…(wow, to say that even blows me away)…ever since Ruby was born 10 years ago with Down Syndrome I have become acutely aware of the victim mentality that it is all too easy to fall into as a parent of a child with special needs. Playing the victim allows you to solidify your role as “chief caretaker” insisting that you are the only person who can really care for your child.  Being the victim allows you to deflect from the intensity of the work that needs to be done to allow your loved one to become independent.

 

From time to time I’ve caught myself in that role because it feels good…it’s comfortable and easy, but to just accept that my child will fit the description that came with her diagnosis imposes serious limitations and allows the cycle to further continue in our society.

“Her speech will never be clear because of her low muscle tone”

“My child will always be in nappies, when I am old I will still be changing nappies”

“My daughter will never learn to drive or get married”

These are all the illusions we tell ourselves because in reality, all of the above requires a hell of a lot of hard work and how can we ever predict what anyone on this earth is capable of? Most of the time, it requires so much more than just hard work.  It requires  blind faith, countered with a shadow of a doubt whispering “Why are you even bothering?  She’ll never be able to…..”

But above anything, raising a child with Special needs requires tenacity.  Imagine climbing the biggest mountain while rigged to an elastic at the base of the mountain.  Imagine walking up 1200 m only to be pulled back 800 m by the rubber band when tension on the band has reached it’s peak.  Repeat, and continue.  It can seem daunting and at times pointless as  you wonder if you’re ever going to get to the top.

It is our job as parents to help Ruby develop into the person she came to this earth to be, but in order to do this, it is crucial that we are aware of the possibility of slipping into victimhood.

Yes, we are allowed to moan and complain when things get tough.  Yes, we are allowed to say we need help, and yes we are allowed to want to walk away and leave it all behind from time to time.

But we are also allowed to celebrate the incredible beauty of the lives we live, no matter how hard they may seem at times.

Down Syndrome has taught me about true beauty, in more ways that I could have imagined.  It has redefined beauty and love for me, and personally, I feel that’s something worth sharing.

To celebrate Ruby’s 10th birthday I would like to share 10 things that living with Down Syndrome has taught me.

 

1) Pain and love are intricately connected

If I could sum it up in one sentence I would say pain is the catalyst for love. When Ruby was born, the emotional pain I experienced  stemmed from constantly navigating my way through society’s perceptions of what my child “might be”.  It was clear to me early on that the stereotypes and perceptions of people with Down Syndrome 10 years ago were not in line with the full potential and possibilities.  With every comment of “Oh, she’ll be able to get a job at the supermarket”, to “Oh, they’re so loving, kids with Down Syndrome love music”, I realised that people’s intentions are good, but still felt like I’d been sucker punched.

 

I found it very hard to find the words for rebuttal.  Are they really seeing something I’m not seeing at the age of 3 days old? Can they really predict that my daughter will love working at the supermarket? Why is it that giving birth to my first daughter didn’t come with a prediction of her aptitude, skill, and preferences when she had just arrived into the world?  The clarity of these questions comes only years later.  At the time all I could feel was an intense longing to prove that my daughter would be more than ok in the world, to share that she would do things and have qualities that others would not have in their life toolkit, and that I was pretty sure that even I couldn’t predict how her gifts and talents would manifest.

So how does this relate to my theory of pain being a catalyst for love?  It’s simple.  Every time I feel intense pain of misunderstanding and confusion, I equally feel a compelling desire to do better for my girl, and to help her develop into the best human being she could be.  It is through my vulnerability that pain and love can do the work they need to do, and for this I am grateful.

 

2) We all feel the same feelings.

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me how happy children with Down Syndrome are, or that they don’t feel pain like we do……

The image says it all. Need I say more?

3) A deep understanding of what it feels like to be included (or not).

I remember clearly when Ruby was born that my biggest fear was being left out.  I had fears of sitting in therapy centres while my friends were all out playing happily with their little ones. This is something I’ve had to come to terms with and learn to see from a different point of view.  There have been times where I have felt incredibly lonely, not being able to voice my fears, particularly when it comes to not having control over things like Ruby getting into school, or wondering if she’ll make any friends when she does get accepted.  While I certainly made it clear that these were things I felt were Ruby’s right, I didn’t always find it easy to play advocate without feeling isolated.

That’s the beauty of parenting.  Bringing up our children brings up insecurities and concerns of our own that we unknowingly project onto them.  ‘What if she is left out?’  can easily be translated into ‘What if I miss out something?’  I’m her mother and I have the responsibility of making sure that inclusion plays in her favour without bringing my own issues into the mix.  And don’t you just love how that word is being used more and more these days?

Inclusion.  What does it mean?  Quite simply it’s about being seen and heard on equal ground with others, to have your needs met at your own pace, and to “have a go” at life.

4) Being in the moment.

Before having Ruby, I spent a lot of my time reliving the past and worrying about the future.  There is no better way, in my opinion, to learn the meaning of mindfulness until you have a child with Down Syndrome.  You are more perceptive to the impact that your words may have as you absorb the words of others.  The comments and assumptions that sometimes innocently come your way are a phenomenal way of teaching us how to become more mindful when we speak.  Suddenly, words you may have used in the past no longer feel acceptable.  And as everything seems to move at a slower pace, you find yourself adjusting to that pace, even frustratingly so at first, only to realise that it actually feels pretty amazing to sit and observe the world in awe.

 

5) Having Down Syndrome does not make you a hero (unless of course you have actually done something heroic)

Equality is a double edged sword.  I have always wanted my daughter to be considered equal, and yet I don’t want people to take pity on her and say how amazing she is when her behaviour dictates otherwise.  Ruby is a kid, and like all kids, she needs to learn and respect her boundaries so that she can grow up in society as a respectable young adult.  By telling her she is a hero, or that she is amazing when in reality she has been quite difficult is something that can be detrimental to her growth and development.  There are so many other ways to foster positivity rather than giving false titles.  Has Ruby done some amazing things? She certainly has.  In fact I am reminded daily of the struggle that she faces that her sisters don’t seem to have.  Whether it be buttoning up her own shirt (which is incredibly frustrating for her), or learning concepts at school that her brain simply can’t process at the same rate as the average child.  She is a warrior indeed, there is no doubt, but I would only give her that title after watching her succeed after applying herself and trying hard, just as I would encourage my other children to do.  It’s not that I don’t think she could ever do something heroic, but I’m just not willing to let her sit back and accept a label that she has not yet earned.

 

6) My other children are becoming better human beings because of Down Syndrome.

I don’t know any other way to say it.  I’ve written it several ways, wanting to emphasise how much these amazing girls have helped to shape Ruby’s life, and to support me on my journey as a mother.  Until you live in another person’s shoes you can never really know how they feel, but I can tell you how they feel as we all live under the same roof.  Life with Ruby is exciting and fun, and full of heart, but it is also incredibly stressful and full of anxiety for all of us as we navigate our way through being her mother, father, and sisters.  The girls are very tolerant, but with recent issues in behaviour with Rubes, it has been increasingly difficult to make sure that our energy is evenly distributed amongst all 3 girls.  Ruby takes a lot of time and energy.  She demands centre stage to the point of exhaustion if you’re not properly equipped with the right tools to cope.  Down Syndrome has taught us all to be more tolerant, resourceful, understanding, and honest about our feelings. It’s not uncommon for the girls to tell Ruby she’s being annoying, and she knows full well when she’s rocking the boat.  All in all what I love is that they are all sisters, acting as any sister would do. Ruby doesn’t get special treatment from them, nor do we make excuses about her behaviour.  It makes me proud to see the love they all have for each other.

 

7) Our basic human need is to be seen and heard.

Having Ruby has taught me over and over again that we really all are the same at the core. When you have a child with Down Syndrome, generally you are made to feel like you’ve arrived on another planet.  Medical Practitioners will give you a long list of things that you’ll have to “look out for”, and your internet search will give you a long list of problems that will have you crawling under your hospital bed in no time.  And yet, when I had Ruby, I just wanted to be seen and heard.  I wanted the world to acknowledge that my baby was worth celebrating just as much as any baby without Down Syndrome. I wanted people to really want to get to know her not because they felt sorry for her, but because they could see her value.  Turns out we are lucky as we have been blessed by incredible support through friends who both see and hear Ruby for who she is.  Our biggest hope is that Ruby will have the tools in order that she can make her voice understood by others in her own unique way.

8) Different is beautiful

It doesn’t take long to work out that a large majority of the world are followers.  We follow trends, cut our hair to look like celebrities, drive the same cars our neighbours drive, and Facebook, Instagram, and Tweet our favourite brands through hashtags.  Most of this is done in the name of beauty.  But what is beautiful? How do we define it?  When I first was told that Ruby might have Down Syndrome, I have to be honest.  I envisioned a bad haircut and rejection.  That was my version of Down Syndrome from my experiences and conditioning as a child.  Down Syndrome has taught me about diversity and what the true meaning of beautiful “inside and out” really means.  Ruby shines because she knows who she is.  She doesn’t care about what others think about her appearance or her abilities.  She does what makes her feel good and that to me is beautiful.

 

9) Having a child with no boundaries is an opportunity to expand your own horizons.

Ruby really has no limitations when she decides she wants to do something. I have seen her do it again and again.  From spontaneously going up to a stranger and giving them a genuine hug, to deciding to break out into a full dance routine in the  middle of a mall, she has the admirable quality of being genuine.  Experiencing her spontaneity reminds me that it’s something we all have within us.  Whether it’s talking to strangers, or trying not to care when I feel like singing out loud, I know I’ll always have a supporter in Ruby.

10) It’s ok to ask for and receive help

It takes a village they say, and yes I’d agree! I’m not naturally a person that would ask for help.  I guess it comes from being the eldest child in a large family. You just learn to get on and do what needs to be done.  Down Syndrome has changed that for me in many ways.  Just after having Ruby I held myself on a pedestal of perfection, not wanting any cracks to appear in the fears I held deep within myself of unworthiness.  This carried on for some time until I realised that life becomes so much more enjoyable when you collaborate and accept help from others, while dropping unrealistic standards.  Ruby has pushed my limits so far at times that the only answer to carry on without having a nervous breakdown is to ask for help. From getting support for our marriage in coping with the stress that comes with parenting Ruby, to saying yes and letting go when someone asks Ruby to come over for a playdate, or learning more about healing modalities that help us to manage stress, I am forever grateful for the connections and relationships that asking for help fosters.  It is because of this girl and her magical extra chromosome that life has become richer, fuller, more challenging, and rewarding all at the same time.  Down Syndrome has taught me that beauty of struggle and triumph and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Happy Birthday Ruby! You are one in a million and we love you more than I can ever say….

 

The post 10 Things I Have Learned about Down Syndrome appeared first on Nektar.

Playing with Ruby

We are nearing the end of October in acknowledging Down Syndrome Awareness Month.

This post has been on my mind for some time, but it hits such a deep emotional chord that it has taken me this long to come to terms with writing it.

And the funny part is, that it  hits a nerve simply because I just haven’t had the nerve to express to those close to me how much this topic burns me up inside.  Some might say it’s a reflection of my own inner landscape, while others will shrug their shoulders nonchalantly in order to escape the truth of what lies beneath.

I started a project recently that has been a catalyst for posts like these, and it is my hope that this becomes part of an honest and committed forum to understanding and acknowledging some of these hurtful inner truths.  I am a firm believer that people are good, but also that most people in many arenas that they are not familiar with tend to veer towards the “fear camp” as it’s just something that has been programmed in our society for many years.

I am ME (most extraordinary) aims to tell the stories of people…special people in fact that don’t fit in the square.  Today we are talking particularly about Down Syndrome, but in fact, we are only talking about Down Syndrome as it’s what I can relate to at present within my own experiences, but I know deep down that this issue spans far and wide across a vast demographic of beautiful and complex souls.

Ruby is my daughter and she has Down Syndrome.  She is as equally beautiful, as she is complicated.

 

 

When she was born, the various scenarios played out in my  head of how things “could be”.  One of those things was the fear that she was destined to play on her own and that no one would be kind enough or brave enough to step forward and take a chance on the unknown.  And perhaps the fact that I have always been so open about our challenges (the fecal art, the ability to vanish in thin air in public therefore causing manic panic, or the complete lack of fear and boundaries) has not played in my favour, but then again I feel that hiding does no one any good and that by sharing, hopefully we come one more step to owning the real situations we encounter as parents, and not the candy coated fluff that some would have you believe in order to avoid having to face such hard truths.

So here’s the thing…it wasn’t until last year, at the age of 9 that Ruby was asked to go on her first play date.  Now, please let’s get clear that this is by no means a sympathy article, and that my main mission here is to give an honest account of my experience, which will hopefully enlighten, and subsequently create awareness around this topic for positive change.

But rather than going into a ‘woe is me’ tale of why I have been deeply hurt and upset that it took over 8 years for Ruby to finally be asked on a play date after school (and let me tell you I nearly jumped out of my skin for joy when it did finally happen!), I would love to share with you the beauty that I have witnessed when someone decided to open their heart and take a chance on having Ruby for an afternoon.

When Ruby finally got a place in her new school at the beginning of the school year last year (after 40 rejections applying to schools in Dubai), I did not feel the urge to jump up and down and thank everyone profusely for accepting my daughter, as to me it seemed ludicrous that there could even be the possibility of rejection.  But of course, history had shown me that this was not the case, and so there really was an immense feeling of gratitude when she finally walked through the doors of her new classroom.

And it was truly beautiful.  Ruby walked through the doors of that classroom in Year 3 and made like she’d been there all along.

Many connections were formed, but there were 2 little girls in particular who had the most beautiful and genuine bond with Ruby that it took my breath away.

I could swan on and on and sing their praises, but to keep it simple, I can honestly just say that all my fears dissolved into thin air from the first time that Ruby had her very own playmates, with her OWN friends, and not those of her little sister.

We are so, so lucky.  Ruby has since been on playdates with her friend Chloe without my supervision, and with her friend Hope with me in tow.  I have friends who have children with Down Syndrome, and with Special needs that have never been asked on a playdate.  EVER.

And I guess my intention behind this post is to ask you to ask yourself questions “What are my fears around having a child with Special needs to my home on a playdate?” or even “How can I brighten someone’s day and make what seems difficult work?”, or even “Why had I not even considered this before?”.

Because what may seem incredibly hard or impossible, or scary to you, could be the thing that helps change the landscape for others.  There is no sense of delusion here.  Most, and many children with Special needs will not be asked on playdates or be asked to go and spend time with another family.  Why is that?  Is it that we as special parents are our own worst enemies and have rationalised how we are the sole carers of our kids, or how no one else would be able to manage our kids, or possibly know their little intricacies or weaknesses?

Or is it just that people really just don’t realise that what they are subscribing to isn’t really that much different (in many ways) from having any other kid over for a playdate?  Does it stand to reason that stereotypes have played a part in creating this solitude?

While I can’t really answer those questions objectively, I am acutely aware of the possibilities.  And what I CAN share with you is the absolute euphoric joy that has been experienced on all fronts when the boundaries have been let down and Ruby had her first playdate experiences. Nothing short of magic….

 

Ruby is pictured here with her friend Hope.  These photo’s were taken during a playdate at our house, but Ruby has had the experience of going to her home too.  There really aren’t too  many words to describe what is happening here, but I can tell you the number of times that Ruby has watched her sisters go to a friend’s after school, only to be left behind with me, and of course I feel bad, and then I feel I need to compensate by doing something to take her mind off of the fact that she is left behind once again.  Of course it makes me feel terrible, as it does her. That is a fact, and again it is a fact that I share with you in order to stop this charade that we play as parents of children who don’t fit the status quo.  Why do we do it? We smile, and we nod, and we say “It’s ok……Ruby wouldn’t be able to go with you as she is prone to wandering”, or “Ruby doesn’t understand that she is not included” in order to make other people feel better.  Enough already!

We are doing a disservice to not only ourselves and our feelings, but to our children to not act as their true voice, as we know it HURTS. LIKE. HELL. to not be included.  You’ve been there, I’ve been there, and yet we stand here as if it’s ok to not find a viable solution because we don’t want to offend, or upset…because you know what? We are just so damn lucky that our kids got accepted into school in the first place.  We should just smile and nod and be HAPPY that at least we have that in our favour.  Right??

No way I say…..

Here is proof yet again that these relationships are critical to our evolution as a species, and to our future generation of children who we hope to raise as loving, embracing, and compassionate human beings.  Chloe has been a beautiful friend to Ruby and has taken her out with her Mum on several occasions.

 

So there, I’ve said it.  What comes easily to these children (I can honestly tell you this is not an issue for kids, I have yet to meet a child that is not accepting and willing to interact or play with Ruby), is something that we need to open the dialogue to see how things could possibly change.  Parents of special people, it’s really important that we are part of this change.  It’s time to be more open to the possibility that people are good at heart and do want to find a way to make things work.  Whether this means that you accompany your child on that play date in the circumstance where you really just feel it would all be too much, or in the event that you take a ride on active faith that other people are able and willing enough to have your child, even if it’s only for a very short while, there has to be a starting point.

As for those who really just don’t know where to start?  Having the intention to understand and see what role you might play in inclusion is a great first step.  Talk to parents of children with Special Needs.  Ask genuine questions.  State your genuine intentions….and wait for the magic to unfold.

 

 

 

 

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Top Photography Tips for Soulful Shots

No matter how long you’ve positioned yourself behind the lens, whether it be a DSLR, compact camera, or trusted iPhone, there is always room to get closer, be more vibrant, and capture more of the memories you wish to hold dear in years to come.

As a photographer, I immerse myself daily in noticing life’s everyday details, and I believe this is something that we all can do effortlessly with a little practise and mindfulness. When I first started shooting, it was clear to me that there were rules, and that rules were meant to be broken. It has always been important that my images tell the most authentic stories and evoke feelings of nostalgia and connection.

The aim of this article is to open your mind and bring you that little bit closer to believing in yourself, and ditching the rules of what you think photography is really all about. My aim is to get you to pick up that camera or iPhone and shoot from the heart!

Here are my top photography tips for getting more soulful images!

1) Details Matter

There is nothing that fuels me in a shoot more than the minute details in life. When I lived in New Zealand a few years ago, I had a huge awakening in being able to really see and feel life on a completely different level around me. Photography was the catalyst in bringing this mindful awareness into my being. I used to only notice the bigger picture, feeling I was the only one who had a busy life and was more concerned with the grander scheme of things, rather than focusing on all the minute building blocks that make life special and unique. Once I had my first DSLR, my vision began to expand to places I had never knew existed. Colours seemed more vibrant and textures exploded before my eyes. I started feeling on a much deeper level which I believe translated into my work as it evolved.

Get close to your subject. Notice the textures and the way the light reflects or gets swallowed whole. Don’t worry about the entire image being in focus, just focus on the details that pull you in.

The details that magnetise me…

Sand, water, and the lines that map our journey in life on our skin…

Wisps of hair that dance like fire…

The grit of the earth and the textures of nature…

 

2)Use of Colour of Lack Thereof

Colour is so much more than a visual.  It’s a feeling and an energy that can be evoked even through a Black and White image. “Really?” I hear you say….”Yes, yes, and YES!” is my reply.  Image processing is readily available to us all with the use of our smartphones these days.  It really comes down to individual choice and feeling as to how you will process an image.   Some people swear that life should only be seen in colour, while others believe monochrome is the only way to go.  There really are no hard and fast rules, although I will say that generally less is more when it comes to processing. The use of colour can help to set the mood, in the same way that a black and white shot can create an impact in the absence of colour.  Set yourself a challenge and photograph a different colour everyday for a week.  Start with red, then yellow, blue, green, and so on.  See how limiting yourself to one colour can push you out of your comfort zone.  Then shoot a few days only with Black and White.  Which do you prefer? What do you feel when shooting each colour and why?

Personally, I am a great lover of colour and am particularly drawn to magenta’s, turquoises and yellows. I feel that colour can create the most incredible assault on the senses, while black and white allows me to create more impact in textures and stripping an image to it’s most authentic and purest energy.

When it comes to capturing children, there is never a lack of inspiration when it comes to finding colour.  They almost seem to leave a never ending trail of it!

Experiment with shooting different items that are just lying around at home.

Sometimes even the slightest hint of colour can make a huge impact on an image.

And yet when I look at this image I see pink, despite the lack of colour.  The image also looks great in colour, but keeping it in black and white allows the purity of it to remain the same while still giving off a sense of vibrancy in each child’s personality.

 

3)Every Emotion is Valid

If there’s one thing I do know for sure, it’s that the idea of capturing an image of a child will often involve someone trying to coerce them to smile at some point!  How boring would a family album be only filled with big, false, toothy grins? Of course those images are valid too and have a place of pride in any home, but capturing authentic images involves telling the whole story, even if at the time if sits outside your comfort zone.  You can never go back and capture that moment again, but you CAN delete the image if you feel it doesn’t sit right with you.  Some of my most cherished images of my children are of them just being themselves, in all their glory, grumpy, sad, frustrated, and scared.  These are memories I am sure to hold tight to in the future, and I encourage you to experiment with capturing a wider range of emotions in your subjects.

One of my most favourite emotional images….my daughter had fallen over and my husband scooped her up to comfort her.  This image reminds me that we are fragile, and yet, we are unbreakable….

 

Of course there is beauty in the simplicity of knowing that we are all human, and that not every moment is filled with joy and bliss.

And of course, joy in it’s purest and unstaged form is blissful and beautiful too!

 

4) Use Nature as a Frame

This is one of my top tips in giving your images that extra feel good factor and allowing the true nature of your subject to shine!  Framing with foliage (as I like to call it) is one of my favourite techniques and adding interest to an image.  There are so many beautiful and vibrant natural settings around us that it becomes hard not to incorporate it after a while!  Go out in your garden or find a space near you outside.  Find a bougainvillea bush and think of the many ways that you could use this to make your subject stand out.  Whether it’s a bush, a patch of grass, potted plants, the turquoise of the sea, or the golden dunes, we are constantly supported by our natural environment.  Using nature as a frame is a great way to add more life and authenticity in your images.

Experiment with textures and colours.  The results can be visually stunning without taking away from your subject.

Getting inside a bush or behind a tree can allow breathing space for the person being photographed to just “be”.  Practise this with your kids and see how your photography improves dramatically!

5)  Let it Be, Let it Be, Let it Be!

Embrace the truth and the imperfections of it all.  Allow your life to unfold and be proud to capture life as it really is!  Life gets messy sometimes, we make mistakes, and things turn out how we didn’t expect them to.  This is all part of our story and our journey.   Will you be proud of the beautiful mess that is your life, or do you want to fit the social norm of staging, planning, and executing a life that is not authentic?  I can guarantee you that in years to come, those mistakes, blunders, bloopers, and mishaps will be among your prized and treasured images…that is if you accept the challenge to capture them!

So let the mishaps begin!

 

When I woke up one morning and realised that the pile of hair in my bathroom bin belonged to one of my kids I was furious, confused (whodunnit?), and hysterical with laughter all at once.  That didn’t stop me from pulling out my camera for the interrogation process.  Every good detective needs tools to record the evidence!  The proverbial DIY haircut will always continue to go down in history as something we can joke about in the future.  I’m glad that Lily had such confidence to think that her hair looks amazing like this,  but also grateful that I recorded it.  We will talk about it for years!!

 

Who Dropped the Baby??

They did!!! And you know what? It’s ok! In life we fall, drop, spill, break, and blunder.  It’s part of what makes life interesting, and thankfully in both of these images the children laughed and enjoyed their moment in flight!  I love both of these images as they are interesting, and again will be a talking point for years to come! How beautiful! Get out that camera and capture it all!

The scratch on Ruby’s arm, coupled with her filthy fingers (I did wash them before she ate before you judge) are a constant reminder to something that is a constant with her.  It’s common for her to have bruises, and it’s common for her to be filthy dirty.  It’s just what she does and who she is, and what a fabulous reminder in finding beauty where you wouldn’t expect to find it?

No matter how unlikely a photo may seem, I urge you to have a go at it anyway.  Telling your story is one of the greatest gifts you will ever have, so why not challenge yourself to step out from the conventional and you’ll be amazed at the beauty you will find in unexpected places….

 

I run workshops for those who are interested in expanding their horizons outside the norm to produce exceptional images.  The courses are non technical in nature, although I do offer assistance and guidance in this area. The aim is to use your camera as a tool for mindfulness in coming into the present moment to increase awareness, gratitude and love for a life less ordinary.

Pictured here is the last group of ladies who enjoyed this course!

If you are interested in the upcoming course schedule, feel free to drop me a line at connect@nektar.ae.

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Does it Make Your Heart Sing?

The last few posts I’ve written have had quite a serious tone to them.

Explorations of death, the quest for perfection, and unravelling of the soul.

Yeah! I’d say those are pretty heavy topics, but it just happened to be that I’ve had a summer of life-laundry so to speak. Of clearing, reassessing, and creating space for new energy to come in. I wrote a post called “Does it make your heart sing?” a few years ago, and I remember that it gave me such a strong sense of gratitude in a time when life was getting too serious, and so I thought I’d revisit that theme again!

It’s been a bittersweet few months, with the launch of my new site, some sad news, lazy days relaxing by the pool and trips to beach that seem timeless.

I had a lot of time to just allow myself to be, and ask myself the questions of what’s working for me, and simply what isn’t. I’ve spent many hours on the computer this summer, and while I’ve had plenty of outdoor time to connect with my family and nature, it’s still more time than I’d like to invest sitting in a chair rather than connecting in the flesh! But systems needed to be built, and we are in a time of structure right now, and at least there is comfort in knowing I’m not the only one.

The energy right now is all about “building, creating, and formatting” our dreams.

And through it all, I’ve asked myself over and over again. What is it Stephanie, that makes your heart sing?

What is it truly that creates a simple sense of joy, peace, and harmony?

Here are 5 things that make my heart sing right now…

1) Living Life in the Desert. I’ve always enjoyed living in the desert since the moment I landed on Saudi Arabian soil (errr, sand!) over 17 years ago. There is just something magical about the absolute scarcity and tenacity that the desert exudes. There is nothing, and yet there is EVERYTHING. It’s the kind of place you go and get swept away in the vastness of it all. Sweeping Dunes, intricate grains of sand, all weave their own story of millions of years in coming together to create a symphony of shadows, light, and splendor!

2) Writing with pen and paper. Yeah, you heard me right, pen and paper baby! I hate to admit it, but I think I almost forgot what it was like to actually pick up a pen and write! Sure, I write A LOT tapping my fingers on the keyboard with the reflection of an LED screen lighting me up, but it wasn’t until recently when I bought some really nice parchment paper and some calligraphy pens that I remembered how much I LOVE just scribbling notes, doodling, and writing tangible notes on paper. Affirmations, swirls, and twirls, and a whole lot of nothing! I’ve written a few inspirational things to pin up on the wall, and attempted to make some scripty fonts, but alas, it’s just nice to see your thoughts take shape on paper, which is kind of meditative in itself. Pure and utter bliss…

3) Watching my girls connect despite their age differences. Ok, first of all I’ll come clean. There has been a LOT of yelling this summer! A kick here, a pinch there, yelling, yelping, you name it. It’s been said and done, so by no means has it all been rosy, but when it does come together, I’ve taken a deep breath knowing that the bonds these 3 girls have are SOUL DEEP. They’ve got each other’s backs when it comes down to it, and they are very aware of where they fit in the family structure. They all have important roles to play, and I learn so much by watching them interact.

4) Taking time out for me, whether it’s a 10 minute escape to my office/healing room, or an afternoon out with my camera snapping away at whatever draws my attention, I have really enjoyed the time I’ve spent alone, which is something that always made me antsy in the past. My brain would start buzzing, and then all those stories we tell ourselves (the self induced paranoia, the worry, the angst…) would start bellowing from the folds of my brain. It wasn’t pleasant, nor was it comfortable. So, let’s just say it’s taken a bit of work to get to a place where I am now enjoying time by myself, and the effort that has gone into pushing outside my comfort zone has been SO worth it!

5) Breathing in the details of life. This is really is in essence what I’m all about, and as a result what my brand is about. Breathing in the moment, breathing in little details. Taking note of beauty where you don’t normally look for it. Part of my aim through my photography is to get people to see their lives from a different perspective. Too often, we keep on the quest for “perfect” when everything is already PERFECT as it is. And it’s in this quest, we lose sight of life happening all around us. That life doesn’t stop, it is us that stops breathing and living. We hold our breath, worrying, watching, waiting for the next moment, without any acknowledgement for the adventure and quest we’re already on. We have so much power to create and shape the beauty around us, but until we can realize the beauty that already exists, we lose sight of the magic we need to make things happen. Here’s to the grime of every day life. The boring, the banal, the mundane. Isn’t it beautiful?

(Feel free to PIN this and follow me on Pinterest!)

What makes your heart sing? I’d love to hear your comments below!

It is often that I need to be reminded of all the things I’m grateful for (I am human after all!), and so in the name of gratitude, I’ve created a book “Breath of Love-44 Days of Gratitude” for you to enjoy and to call you back into the moment whenever you need it! If you haven’t already downloaded a copy, go to my website and sign up for my mailing list. You’ll then receive an email with the link to the download! Enjoy! This book is also available in print and makes a great gift, you can purchase a copy here!

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Broken-3 Ways to Come Undone

You are broken.

Yup, that’s what I said, “You. Are. Broken.”

Every single morsel of your existence is the reflection of the tarnished or polished existence you see in others.

We live in a world of hyper stimulation, unconscious craving, and lustful wonder. We’ve crafted illusions of cupcake perfection, and illicit narcissism, in the bid to come out on top and proclaim “I am WORTHY dammit”!

In a world of self improvement, advancing spirituality, and material wanderlust, it’s hard to find the sense of calm that eludes us.

We seek enlightenment, yet we are broken in our inability to just let go…

So, what if being BROKEN is ok? What if our chipped existence is the core of our true essence? What if this is the revelation that unlocks the key to our freedom?

Imagine the anger that percolates beneath the surface when our buttons are pressed.

Or, the jealousy that creeps like a tangled vine up the backbone of our existence.

Or how about the resentment that stenches up the caverns of our souls?

How does it feel to just let it all hang out? Do you ever feel as though you wish you could just allow yourself to TRULY feel and express what you are feeling in that moment without judgement?

How WOULD it feel to just COME UNDONE???

In all my tattered splendor, I proclaim that it’s not only OK, but that it’s time we allowed ourselves the beauty of coming undone! Here are 3 ways to do just that…

1) TAKE THE MASK OFF. Life is not a masquerade ball, so why are you wearing a mask? Why are we so afraid to allow the darker aspects of ourselves to come to light? It’s time to get NAKED. Raw and real. Allow the true colors of your imperfections to shine. When you feel the anger spewing hot lava (and you’re pretty sure it wasn’t the vindaloo you just consumed) from the depths of your belly, allow it bubble. Breathe a deep breath, take the mask off and let your true feelings be known. The mask only creates a veneer of deception, and a hip flask of poison that you’re bound to drink sooner or later. Why wait? Uncork it now, take a sip, and pass it around. With an open heart, the sweetest alchemy ensues and your anger is now seen through the eyes of truth. No matter what the outcome, you know that you’ve let go of what no longer serves your purpose, allowing a beautiful sense of release and clarity to come to light.

2) SING YOUR PRAISES. Why is it we are so addicted to pain? Ask yourself what it is that you LOVE about yourself that is broken. You know what I’m talking about. I’ve played the victim role over and over again , from the crutch of parenting a daughter with Down Syndrome, to the continual quest for healing of my hypothyroidism. Pain is the vehicle that allows us to see our greatness. When we get to the core of the story, it’s not surprising to find that pain is the fuel for LOVE. So why not sing it out LOUD!! Talk about your experiences, don’t be afraid to highlight the gifts that the pain has offered you. By putting yourself out there, you expose your vulnerable side and make connections that go far beyond any pain you’ve ever encountered. Take the risk, it’s WORTH IT.

3) BE PREPARED TO START OVER. Our lives are merely a set of rules, regulations, and beliefs that have been learned, acquired, moulded, and built in since our inception. Be prepared to ASK QUESTIONS and GET REAL. Don’t get stuck in the comfort of illusion. Ask yourself about LOVE, MONEY, SEX, VITALITY, and what your soul yearns for RIGHT NOW . Plan to stay up late. Ask yourself the questions that you’re AFRAID to ask. Rewrite the rules. You ARE the rules. Dig DEEP. Take no prisoners as you come undone. Laugh, cry, then cry some more. Let GO. Let go and allow your beautiful broken self to emerge wholeheartedly.

Yes indeed you are broken my friend, in all your splendor, you are broken, cracked, chipped, and weathered. But that’s what I love about you. Let’s celebrate the beauty of our broken selves that experience has shaped so we can live FULLY, and unconditionally FREE!

Want to reconnect to your sense of Peace, PASSION, and purpose? Join me for a Soulmap session to help clear what no longer serves you, celebrate your unique gifts, and dive into the greatness that you meant for! I look forward to connecting with you!!

When was the last time you allowed yourself to “let go” and come undone? Please share in the COMMENTS below! It’s always comforting to learn from other people’s experiences and your VOICE is safe here at Nektar!

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Breaking Down the Walls of Perfection

Deconstructing spirit.

That’s what I call upon when I’m over-analyzing, over-criticizing, and just plain being maniacal!

Perfection is the disease of what I call the “decay of spirit”. It eats away at your soul, and infuses you with ridiculous notions that steep your brain like a hot tea bag.

Do you remember what it felt like as a child to sink your teeth into ANYTHING without even the slightest notion of expectation?



Do you remember what it feels like to say “YES” to things you have denied yourself in the past for fear of looking silly, or not being good enough?



And do you REMEMBER what it really feels like to ALIVE and FREE when you allow yourself the liberty of truly letting go?

The truth is that we’re NOT telling ourselves the real TRUTH. We say we embrace the “imperfectly perfect” outwardly, but just how many of us are REALLY being honest with ourselves in how we view and treat ourselves?

How many of us are willing to let go of outdated ideals, and a veneered reality that doesn’t actually exist? And how many of us actually ENJOY the process of decay in our souls when we constantly focus on what’s not right all the time?

I ask you this one simple question…

What does PERFECTION look like?

Surely we all have our own ideas of how we want our life to be designed. We build the dream of how we want to appear on the outside, from our homes, to what we wear, or how we want our children to ‘turn out’. We chase these ideas moulded into neat and tidy packages of a “groundhog day” existence, and yet we forget that within us exists the most valuable asset of all.

Our SPIRIT.

And just “WHY?” you ask am I such an expert on the whole idea of perfection? Who am I to wax lyrical about the connection that we all have irreplaceable and undeniable value, and how we are already more perfect than we could ever want to be?

A few years ago, I wrote a blog post, that for ME personally broke the seal. It was a revelation of a broken spirit, the cracking of the chrysalis, and the blessing of deconstructing spirit to reveal the sweetness within.

That post “Imperfection is Perfection” was my coming out. It was the moment where I allowed myself to “let go” and know that those cracks were put in place for a reason (and I’m talking about me here, not my beautiful daughter Ruby). As any addict will tell you, it’s not the actual vice of the addiction that kills. It’s the decay of the spirit in not being able to see the truth.

For me, that decay stemmed from an unwillingness to be able to really ask myself what it was that I was afraid of? What did I FEAR so intensely that I actually stopped LIVING? It wasn’t until the moments when I allowed myself to be pulled out of the chaos of the perfect storm, that I was able to really notice the way the light fell around me,



or to see that my children’s unruly hair could bind me in a spell of intricacy that I’d never knew existed before.

In my hunt for “perfection” as I’d always known it, I was missing those beautiful moments right beneath my nose. Every. Single. Day.

So when I say I call upon deconstructing spirit to help me break down the walls of perfection, I really mean that I’m just able to dissect life in all it’s truth and ACCEPT it for what it is. To really sit in the silence, and listen to the voice within. In breaking down the walls of perfection, we need a killer sense of perception, and an acid wash of reality. I’m not saying to throw away your dreams of that beautiful home, or that you should dress like a slob, or have unruly kids. What I’m drawing attention to, is the idea of the marriage of those DREAMS, alongside a NEW paradigm of acceptance and admiration for our cracked existence, and that we are MORE THAN ENOUGH the way we are.



To use all of the senses, to really FEEL what our soul longs to feel, and to really see that everything that surrounds us, and all that WE ARE is pretty shit hot the way it is.

You see, it’s all about perception, and a shift in attitude. To see the cosmic joke in life, is to really see that we are all BROKEN, and that the junkyard of life is pretty damn spectacular the way it is.

“Feed Your Soul” with a feast of perfectly imperfect inspirations by getting your copy of “Hungry”-Feed Your Soul today! Visit the home page to see my other juicy offerings!

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When You’re Gone-The Power of NOW

Kids grow FAST.

I really MEAN it. Kids grow FAST, then they grow up, and then whoosh, they’re GONE! We’ve nearly made it through another Dubai summer (it’s really not THAT bad…shhhh, don’t tell anyone!), and although we’ve actually had a beautiful summer, there is an air of irritability coupled with all the usual options exhausted (so…..a bit of swimming, followed by an iPad break….a scooter around the bend…..MORE iPad…), and the kind of “time checking” that happens in the last half hour on the last day of school! Are we done yet? Are we done yet? Are WEEEEEEEE done yet???

Let’s face it. We LOVE our children, but we also love our freedom, and 5 minutes worth of peace and quiet to recharge the batteries!

Sometimes it’s easy to wish away time. To think “God, I really wish school would start!”, or “I really can’t wait until Lily stops wearing pull-ups at night!”, “I wish….”

We were recently deeply saddened by a tragedy that hit our group of friends from our Saudi days. Two little boys taken too soon. Children that can no longer play on iPads, or swim, or scoot around the bend.

This is the stuff you see in the movies, and with due respect, I will not get into details as my heart aches for his mother, and the family left behind to try to piece together their bits of “NOW” that have been gobbled up in the most sinister way.

When things like this happen, you can’t help but STOP. And SLOW DOWN. Breathe, and take stock of your own life, and question how it is fair that you still have your kids, and someone else does not.

Realizing the “Power of Now”.

I’ve held my girls that little bit tighter this week, although I’ve also flown off the handle more times than I can count. I realize the fragility of life, and yet I am still HUMAN.

Summer may be nearly over, and although I’m not clinging to my girls in their every waking moment, I can honestly say that I feel blessed to have this time with them.

There is a MAGICAL quality about summer that for me, I can’t quite describe. It’s that carefree, slow motion, timeless feeling of BLISS wrapped up in sticky popsicle kisses.





Or maybe it’s that hint of coconut infused sunscreen, and the overwhelming cloud of chlorine that clings heavily to the sun kissed locks of summer.

Or perhaps it’s just the beauty of a simple sunset, and the way the light bathes you in the warmth of knowing you’ve been blessed with another day.

Either way, in those moments, you have the chance to experience a MIRACLE so to speak. The miracle of breathing, living, seeing, feeling, smelling, and touching. You have the chance to soak it all up, and realize how incredible every little minute detail of life is that surrounds us. And yet, you also have the chance to allow yourself to flow naturally, whether that be a moment of calm, or a raging moment of release when you realize that things haven’t quite gone your way.

You see, as far as I can see, from what I’ve learned in all these years, the “Now” is not just about the bliss and the calm.

It’s not always about rainbows, cookie dough, mountain springs, or perfect clouds.

It’s about the REALITY, and the RAW. To see that we are PERFECT, yet we are FLAWED.

The power of “Now” is knowing you inhaled life.

Whether it be the crisp, clean mountain air that makes your feel alive,



or the air so thick with smoke that you feel you might suffocate,



BREATHE IT IN ANYWAY. Soak up every moment, knowing that every breath has meaning, and every breath allows us to participate “Now” as we are here “Now”, and that what we’re doing MATTERS.

Those people that enter our lives are there for a reason. Those people that cross our paths are either there to enrich the moment, or they act as a distraction to paying attention to the “Now”.

There are countless times I have spent time with people, and not realized their value until they are gone. They may have only moved away, or we just haven’t had time for each other, but either way, those people, whether they acted as a source of comfort, or a bad rash of irritation, they all gave me an acute awareness that life is precious, and that “Now” is the only moment we ever really truly have.

“Now” is the sacred of yesterday, and tomorrow. It is irreplaceable, unmistakeable, and undoubtedly the only place where you are TRULY FREE.

So here’s a tribute to “Now”, the moment we’ve all been waiting for.

Whether it be the mess you don’t want to clean up,



the shadows that fall softly in the afternoon in your garden,



or the unmistakeable vulnerability in the eyes of a teenager,



this is YOUR “Now”.

For when time has passed, or “they’ve gone”, KNOW that your “Now” becomes all but a memory. And KNOW that your “Now” is purely and utterly PERFECT.

How do YOU stay connected? Please share in the comments below, and feel free to SHARE this article on FB, Twitter, or Pinterest!

Want a beautiful way to stay connected and breathe in the “Now”? Grab your Copy of “Hungry”-Feed Your Soul today! My book of inspiration to feed your soul!

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