Rosalind Wiseman's Blog, page 41

Rosalind Moderates Digital Drama and Kids Behaving Badly

Rosalind moderates the panel "Digital Drama and Kids Behaving Badly" at the Family Online Safety Institute's 2011 conference. This excellent panel includes MTV's Jason Rzepka, Joe Laramie of the Missouri Police, Jenny Pokempner from the Juvenile Law Center, & Paula Goldberg from PACER Center.

New Research on Sexual Harassment: A School Counselor's Perspective

When I first read the article in the New York Times, National Study Finds Widespread Sexual Harassment of Students in Grades 7 to 12, I was not surprised to read that over half of our middle and high school youth report being sexually harassed. According to a recent report, Crossing the Line: Sexual Harassment at School, half of almost 2000 students in grades 7-12 report being the victims of sexual harassment. Of those who reported the harassment, 87 percent reported "absenteeism, poor sleep and stomachaches." Additionally, students who admitted harassing others claimed their actions were "no big deal." These findings present quite a conundrum.

As a culture, we are quick to report the problems that exist within our younger generation of youth. What I rarely hear or read about is a feasible solution.

Sexual harassment falls under an umbrella of similar issues. Many teenagers are desensitized to the pervasive enormity of sexual content and violence that exists in mainstream media. Many don't even realize what they are doing is considered harassment; it's just normal lunchtime chatter. Educators can't tell teenagers to "stop" without explaining why they should, or the repercussions that could occur from their unwanted behaviors and/or gestures. We have to do the unthinkable; we have to talk about it.

I have been a school counselor for almost a decade and have worked in both middle and high school settings. I have witnessed lewd comments, smirks, gay slurs, and pretty much anything you both can and can't imagine. Lets get one thing straight; it is not always the boys harassing the girls. Harassment, in any form, occurs between all races, classes, genders, and ages. Educators have a responsibility to understand, recognize, and handle it in an efficient and effective manner.

When an educator hears, hears of, or sees any type of inappropriate behavior, they have a duty to intervene. When you always take action, kids identify you as a safe person. Every situation has different variables and in a school setting is handled on a case-by-case basis. Many times the harasser doesn't realize they've crossed the line, sometimes the victim doesn't realize it either. And generally speaking, teenagers are concerned about what reporting will do to their social status and believe that reporting will make it worse.

In order to control this problem, it needs to be clearly defined and our standards reinforced often. Educators need to develop enough of a rapport to be approachable if a student is concerned, and they must never minimize the issue.

Scenario 1: A 14-year-old boy is constantly taunted in his World History class for having "moobs," otherwise known as "man boobs." After weeks of enduring the never-ending comments, he finally musters up enough courage to tell his teacher. The teacher replies with "oh, they are just joking, ignore them." The student says he can't, and teacher replies with "do you want me to move your seat?"

Scenario 2: An 11-year-old girl is refusing to dress out for PE, and often asks to go to the nurse during class. Concerned, the PE teacher calls her parents and sets up a conference. During the conference the girl revels what is going on. She is more developed than any of her peers and other girls make fun of her in the locker room. They call her a whore, hide her clothes, and once decorated her locker with sanitary napkins. When she reports who is harassing her, the teacher remarks, "I cannot imagine them doing that, they are such nice girls, are you sure?" Then suggests the girl change in the bathroom and "ignore them."

Scenario 3: A 16-year-old girl is in a marketing class that does a lot of group work. They have been working in the same group all semester and there is a boy that consistently touches her inappropriately. He grazes her thigh, puts his hand on her lower back, and rubs his leg against hers under the table. She finally tells her mother, who immediately calls the teacher and demands her daughter is removed from that group. The following day, the teacher announces to the class, "due to someone not being able to keep their hands to themselves, you all have new groups and have to start over on your projects."

I could list different scenarios for pages, and let me assure you that the three aforementioned are not uncommon, nor is they way they are handled. Can you blame students for not coming forward? We have a duty to stop blaming the victim and start creating a safe climate where this behavior simply isn't tolerated.

These teachers had a fortuitous opportunity to apologize to the student for having to endure the harassment, offer to listen, assure the victim it would be handled appropriately, and most importantly, follow through. Every student deserves a safe school environment and it is our job to ensure this happens.

I don't have an easy solution to this problem. I can confidently assert that it starts with education (especially media literacy), speaking up, believing the victim, and following through. Every student should identify at least 2 adults they can trust within the school. Additionally, every school district has a strict policy about sexual harassment, and it is often well defined. If you are an educator or parent, I encourage you to go to your district's homepage and both read and discuss the policy with your child or students. The simple gesture of beginning this conversation, without judgment, opens the door to creating a safer place for all students.

Julia V. Taylor

Twitter @juliavtaylor

Below are a few additional resources for educators:

Reality Bites Back: The Troubling Truth About Guilty Pleasure TV

Teaching Tolerance: Sexual Harassment Lesson Plans

Discovery Education: Sexual Harassment Lesson Plan

Faces of Harassment in Schools

Penn State: AC 360 Reveals How It Gets Worse

After watching AC360′s extraordinary report on the inhumane treatment of Sandusky's alleged victims and the cover up that is now occurring, I have a suggestion for the chief of police who hid in his office rather than talk to the reporter. Instead of cowering, he should get himself in front of that camera and say,

"Even though there is an on-going investigation, for all those children who have come forward I am sorry. We don't know what the conclusion will be but as the police chief in this community, it is my sacred responsibility to protect our most vulnerable. I will work hard to do so in any way I can now and in the future."

This is what an honorable leader does who prioritizes the emotional and physical safety of the people in his community.

He does not hide.

It's bad enough that a pedophile creates a structure where he can systematically sexual assault children year after year. But now it seems clear that not only did other adults allowed it to happen, but they contributed to the abuse by ostracizing and dehumanizing the victims. All I can think of is how incapable adults seem to be to do the right thing.

To be clear, here is how the extended network of enablers made the sexual assault of children even worse:

When a victim tried to get help from an adult, the message was that Sandusky's stature in the community and the pedestal football was placed upon within the Penn State Community was more important than the child.
Adults who dismissed or silenced the victims by saying that they shouldn't stain Sandusky's reputation and he had "a heart of gold" (which school officials told the mother of a victim) are not just ignorant bystanders. Make no mistake, at the very least, they contributed to the silencing of a child and parent who were desperately trying to get help.
Mothers who came forward were belittled and dismissed. It is becoming clear that the power of these men silenced the mothers. If the mothers did come forward they were dismissed and ridiculed. The whole thing was built to silence the victims and the mothers who didn't have the power to have their voice heard.

We are now faced with an incredible question: Was the power of Penn State's football legacy so overwhelming that many people, however tangentially connected to it, became moral degenerates? In my previous article on this issue, I described my experiences with other institutions in somewhat similar circumstances and how to understand the seemingly incomprehensible decision to protect the abusers over the abused.

We all need to do some hard looking at ourselves and what we stand for because Penn State is not the only community who has had this ugly exploitation and betrayal of its most vulnerable. As I have said before, the moment you think this can't occur in your community, is the moment you become more vulnerable to it.

I talk to teens everyday about topics that are often extraordinarily uncomfortable. I am getting to the place where I have nothing else to say but this:

"Adults in positions of power often will abuse it. Many adults, especially those who cultivate the image of honor will betray the values they say they hold dear. Others adults will either back up the bullies or be incapable of stopping them. Your best bet is to become aware of this as fast as possible, figure out which adults in your life can watch your back and don't trust anyone else."

Yes, it's cynical. But what's the alternative? In twelve hours I will be working with 150 high school student leaders. I, for one, am not going to pretend that adults are anything less than a disappointment.

 

 

 

Talking to Teens About Paterno, Penn State, and the High Price of Bystanding

If there is anything to be learned from this week's revelations regarding Penn State, it is which institutions are most likely to abdicate their fundamental responsibilities and what are the dynamics that stop people from following what so obviously looks like the only moral course of action.

This is a problem I know too well and it's an important one to discuss with young people. Over the last 15 years that I have worked with schools, I have witnessed many tragedies in which students, teachers, or coaches have abused the most vulnerable members of their communities. From freshmen boys being sexually assaulted in hazing rituals, girls being severely sexually harassed, to teachers having sexual relationships with students. It happens. And while I have worked with many administrators who take action immediately, I have too often also seen people in leadership positions look the other way, isolate and discredit the victim, do the minimum, and justify keeping it "in-house." Make no mistake, all of those reactions condone the abuse in the eyes of the victim, the bystanders, and the abusers and empower the perpetrator to continue the abuse.

The consequence of all this is not only on the people directly involved. It profoundly impacts the way all young people perceive adults as credible role models and trusted figures. So if any of we really want to contribute to stopping these kind of tragedies from occurring, we must be clear about how it happened and willing to have honest discussions with the teens in our lives.

So how did it happen?

The more an institution links masculinity with being loyal to the group and their superiors, the more likely its members will say little or nothing when they experience or witness abuse.  In this type of culture, speaking out is being disloyal.

When you add the discomfort of revealing homosexual sexual interaction in what is supposed to be an absolutely heterosexual environment, the victims and bystanders can be so ashamed and/or shocked that they describe the abuse in general terms. As in, "something bad happened in the shower."

It is in this moment, when a victim or witness comes forward to a leader that the leader's character is truly revealed. Will he protect the victim and immediately take measures to keep him safe? Will he support the witness, recognizing how hard it is to break the code of silence? Or, will he act in such a way that communicates to all under him that he protects the bully?

This is the essence of ethical leadership. You have three choices: Support the victim's right to be safe, stay "neutral," – which in reality is siding with the abuser – or overtly back up the abuser. The more unquestioned public power the leader has, the more likely the leader will back up the abuser and sacrifice the vulnerable to maintain the institution's appearance of greatness.  Consider also that while school traditions and "institutions" can be a positive force on campus, if there isn't a constant examination of how people in positions of power within those traditions can abuse it, it's only a matter of time before an abusive leader exploits the willing blindness of those around him.

We see such blindness in those Penn State students who chose to demonstrate – or riot – in support of the coach last Wednesday night. This reminded me of a common high school reaction when a high social-status student is expelled for hazing or harassment. It is common for his peers to dismiss or rationalize the student's behavior and do whatever they can to undermine the administrators who are holding the expelled student accountable. They can vandalize the school, wear black arms bands, get their easily-manipulated parents to back them–all to punish the school for "overreacting" and tarnishing the punished student's reputation.

We know the protestors loved "JoePa" and think the punishment is too harsh.  We know they are furious that his legacy will be forever tarnished. This is just like those high school protestors. By holding Paterno and others like him accountable you acknowledge the reality that in the moment when it really mattered, the leaders you feel so much pride in and even tie your self-identity to acted in ways that were entirely hypocritical to everything they purported to stand for. Instead, it's much easier to lash out and refuse to admit what actually occurred. But really, although it is sad that someone who worked for almost 50 years coaching football will not end his career with the dignity of being in attendance for his last home game, that is nothing compared to the victims whose dignity was literally stripped from them as they were sexually assaulted.

One of the most extraordinary aspects of the Penn State tragedy is that for many of us it is the first time we've seen leader who did the bare minimum pay the price for his inaction. Joe Paterno has paid that price at the highest, most public level.   Let us hope others will learn from this example.

But how? How do we make a difference out of this horrible thing?

Sit down with your teens and ask them what they think about these adults betraying kids. Ask them what they think the issues I have raised above. Our kids needs relationships with adults that they can depend on. Who know with 100% certainty that there is at least one adult in their lives who they know is ethical and morally sound. And while it may be uncomfortable to have these discussion with them, it is actually the very act of reaching out and showing that you are willing to talk about this betrayal that makes the biggest difference in the lives of the young people you care about.

Rosalind tackles bullying in Marshfield, Mo schools

Like many school districts across the country, educators in  Marshfield, Missouri  are tackling bullying any way they can.  A recent visit by Rosalind attracted counselors, administrators and educators from around the area, as well as the attention of news outlet KY3, who posted this report.  (Click here to read article)

Bullying: It Stops Here

For more than a year, it has been a great privilege for me to work closely with the producers at Anderson Cooper 360 to put together a variety of programs that draw attention to the myriad of bullying-related issues that exist in our country. Beginning with AC360′s first bullying special in the fall of 2010 following the Tyler Clementi suicide, Anderson and his producers have never ceased to impress me with their dedication to this topic, and their willingness to examine and discuss it in a way that inspires real conversation and action. This year we have put together what I believe is another truly fantastic special that aired Sunday night on CNN for the first time, and will air again later this week. Please check your local listings for AC360′s Bullying: It Stops Here, on Friday, October 14. Additionally, the entire week of October 10-15, AC360 will air a special series on bullying at 8 and 10pm each night. You can learn more about all of Anderson Cooper's anti-bullying programming by clicking here.

Bullying: It Stops Here. Rosalind Joins Anderson Cooper, Kelly Ripa, Dr. Phil & Others to Promote Safer Schools

This year we have put together what I believe is another truly fantastic special that aired Sunday night on CNN for the first time, and will air again later this week. Please check your local listings for AC360′s Bullying: It Stops Here, on Friday, October 14. Additionally, the entire week of October 10-15, AC360 will air a special series on bullying at 8 and 10pm each night. You can learn more about all of Anderson Cooper's anti-bullying programming by clicking here.

Rosalind Stands Up for Anti-Bullying Programs on AC360

Rosalind made another appearance this week on AC360 to defend the implementation of anti-bullying programs in schools.  In the aftermath of yet another bullying-related teen suicide, Anderson Cooper once more turned to Rosalind, along with colleague Rachel Simmons, to counter claims by certain Christian groups that such programs are unnecessary and even discriminatory against Christian beliefs.

"Stop Bullying: Speak Up" Campaign Can Change Lives

Starting today, you can join a powerful anti-bullying campaign that truly has the potential to change lives and make our children safe from bullying. It's the "Stop Bullying: Speak Up" campaign and pledge. If you are someone who cares about the safety of all children, I hope you will take a few minutes to read and sign this pledge.

As someone who has been critical of anti-bullying campaigns in the past, I have gotten behind this campaign and I want to tell you why. In a world where all of us tend to grab onto a story for a moment and then forget about it in the next news cycle, the Stop Bullying, Speak Up Campaign is harnessing the power and reach of Time Warner and Facebook to keep this issue up front and center.

The campaign begins with asking adults and children to sign a pledge that challenges all of us to specifically take responsibility for stopping bullying in our communities. From there, the campaign expands through programming on Cartoon Network, CNN, People magazine, and Facebook. This is a dream come true for me: companies that have the ability to truly make a difference on this issue working collaboratively with experts in the field to truly encourage the country to address bullying in substantive, wide-spread ways.

Last year, you may have seen me on the Town Hall meeting Anderson Cooper 360 hosted. It was a great show. Children, teens, parents, educators, and experts came together to show the true face and impact of bullying. But as soon as the show was over, the Anderson Cooper producers told me they wanted to do more.

They were true to their word. October 2011 will be filled with programming on this issue across many Time Warner shows. On October 9th and 14th, CNN's Anderson Cooper 360 in partnership with Facebook and Time Warner, will broadcast the second town hall meeting from Rutgers University. In preparation, Anderson Cooper's team has worked with Robert Faris, the Research Director of the Berkman Center for Internet and Society at Harvard University, who will unveil a major new study. In addition, more children will be involved; including several from Anoka Hennepin, MO who are suing their school district for its "neutrality" policy that forbids teachers from talking about bullying prevention efforts in regards to gay students.

Check your local listings for channels.

October 9th and 14th 8PM EST.

 

 

Doing Homework in a World of Facebook Distraction

I am a 10th grade chemistry teacher and one of my biggest challenges is getting my students to concentrate on their homework while they constantly go back and forth between the assignment and Facebook. What can I do to help my students develop good study habits when they're doing this? And should this be the school's responsibility?

This educator has identified one of the most common and important struggles any teacher experiences. In a world of constant distractions, how does a child develop good study habits? And when a student's work is compromised by these distractions, how does the teacher hold them accountable in a way that encourages the student instead of discouraging them?

While Facebook and other social networking sites increase the temptation and ease with which students are pulled away from their work, teachers have always had to teach students to balance their work with competing distractions. The neighborhood pick up game, watching TV, or even staring at the ceiling have all been distractions. It's just that now the access is so much easier and faster that the student has the illusion that they are multitasking and are not as distracted as they in fact are. (William Powers, Hamlet's Blackberry. Page 142 Harper Collins 2010)

In answer to the teacher's last question, is this the school's responsibility or the parents? The simple answer, of course, is that it's both. Each one complements each other for the common goal of teaching children to take responsibility for their own education in a world where it is increasingly difficult to create a personal environment where creative focused concentration is possible.

What follows is a basic strategy and script for a teacher to use with their students.

First, understand the motivation:

Overall, students fear logging out will leave them out of the information loop. As an adult, it can be easy to dismiss this need as being superficially social. Students often feel compelled to respond instantaneously because they fear that if they don't, the information about them will get out of their control.

Why?

A student or their friends could be in a conflict with someone.
The general awareness that conflict can occur so easily can compel a student to feel that they have to stay on top of what people are saying at all times.
The student has a friend who demands constant response or they will write something that is cruel, embarrassing, betrays a confidence, or is in some way unwanted.

 

What doesn't work:

Telling the student they should just focus on their homework because they go to school to learn not to socialize.
Telling the student that they should have better friends.
Asking the student about how much they go on Facebook while they study. This conversation is irrelevant because the student has no ability to accurately gauge their time spent on Facebook collectively or how often they interrupt their work to go on Facebook.

 

The Teacher's script:

You: "Thanks for meeting with me. I want to talk to you about your homework because I'm seeing X problem or you're telling me that you're really struggling to get the concepts. You've said that you use Facebook while you work. I'm not going to ask you how often or how long you're on Facebook. You're in X grade so it's really your decision about how you spend your time and how you choose to study. What I am going to do is show you where I can see a lack of concentration or full understanding and then you need to choose what strategy is best to address the situation."

Show student no more than 2 or 3 examples. Enough that they get the point but not too much so they are ashamed and disengage.

 

Typical responses from students:

"But then I won't know what's going on!"

"What if my friends can't reach me?

"You don't understand. She's going to hate me!"

 

Your response:

"Before you begin studying, you may want to write on your wall, 'Working on my chem. homework. I'll check back when I'm done.' Don't wait for her to respond. Write the message and start working."

 

Questions teacher can ask in response to: "But then I won't know what's going on!"

What happened when you didn't know what was going on?
What did it feel like?
What did you do when you realized that had happened?
Did trying to get figure out what was going on impact other areas of your life?

Questions teacher can ask in response to: "You don't understand. She's going to hate me!"

If your friend gets mad at you or ridicules your request, what you are getting in this friendship?
What you are sacrificing?
Is it worth it to you?"

 

Pick and choose a few questions from the ones written above. Otherwise, you could overwhelm the student and they will shut down.

You: "To say it another way; if you have a friend who punishes you for concentrating on homework instead of getting back to them right away you have to ask yourself if this person is acting in a way that fits what you need in a friendship. Is having a friend who requires that you sacrifice your right to learn and succeed worth it to you? Are you consciously making that choice? If you are and you decide it's worth it, then at least we both understand the situation clearly. There won't be any misunderstandings about your performance in the class.

"I also have an idea I'd like you to consider. Tonight, when you do your first homework assignment don't check Facebook, or anything else, as you work. The next assignment check Facebook as usual. Then I want you to take a few minutes to compare how you worked and the quality of the work.

"I really respect that this is a hard situation but I think you could do well in this class and be proud of the work you accomplish. I am more than happy to help you with that in whatever way you need. Why don't you think about it and I'll check back in with you after class tomorrow?"

 

Thanks for reading,

-RPW