Rosalind Wiseman's Blog, page 38

Rosalind Wiseman at TEDxTeachersCollege

 

Rosalind addresses the TEDx Teacher’s College on the important issue of creating a school climate where all students are treated with dignity, and where all adults are empowered to make that possible.

You Raise your Children; I Will Teach them French: Rosalind Wiseman at TEDxTeachersCollege

 

Rosalind addresses the TEDx Teacher’s College on the important issue of creating a school climate where all students are treated with dignity, and where all adults are empowered to make that possible.

Family Circle, Ask Rosalind: Best Ways To Avoid a Trash Talking Teen

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A girl I’m trying my best to avoid does nothing but talk trash to me and brings up my bad past to get on my nerves. I have an anger problem and I’m trying to turn over a new leaf and be a better person. How can I move on if I’m reminded everyday of mistakes I’ve made in the past. Please help me, Haley

Haley, it’s always annoying to have people in your life that are determined to bring you down. And it’s easy to say, “I’m not going to let them get to me,” but way, way harder to actually do that in real life.

Think about it like this:

1. You’re smart enough to realize how this girl is trying to manipulate you. This is critical because a lot of people in your situation would be so angry and reactive that they wouldn’t be able to see these dynamics. If you can’t see it than you can’t manage yourself effectively.

2. Whatever you did or happened to you that gave you a bad reputation, you need to remember that you found the strength to want something better for yourself.

3. The trash-talking girl wants you back in that bad place. It doesn’t matter why. So yes, she could be insecure and have a bad home life but that fact doesn’t take away from what she’s doing to you.

Deal with it like this:

This may sound weird but when I’m in your situation (and it’s happened to me, too) I have a playlist that I listen to or sing in my head. On my phone I call it my “Strength and Inspiration” playlist. I want you to choose five songs that make you feel strong in a positive way (don’t choose songs that make you feel like you want revenge). As soon as you see her or when she says some snarky comment to you or about you, play one of your songs or sing it in your head.

In the spirit of full disclosure I’ll share with you some of my songs.

Work That Mary J. Blige

Something Beautiful Trombone Shorty

I am not my Hair India Arie and Akon

What it’s Like Whitey Ford Sings the Blues

It Don’t Come Easy Bettye Levette

Also, pay attention to any messengers, the people who tell you that the girl talks behind your back. Always ask yourself what their motivation is: Are they telling you because they care about you or because they want to increase the drama?

Here’s a sample script that may help you based on my SEAL strategy (Stop, Explain, Affirm, Lock). The “push back” is what the other person would probably say to get you mad or distracted. The situation is when someone just came up to you and said, “Did you hear what’ horrible girl’ is saying about you now?”

STOP: Play your song in your head and breathe so your heart slows down. Ask yourself what the messenger’s motivation is. If you think she’s a drama starter answer her with: Thanks for telling me. Please don’t talk about this with others. You’re doing this because you don’t want to feed the fire.

Then, to ‘horrible girl,’ EXPLAIN: I’m hearing that you’re talking X about me. I’m not asking to tell me if the gossip is true. I’m asking that if any part of it’s true that you stop.

Push back: She laughs. “There’s nothing going on. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Affirm (your right to be treated with dignity): Then I’d expect the things I’m hearing to end.

Push back: Well even if I’m not saying anything I can’t stop what other people say.

Lock: Look, I’m coming to you and asking you to lay off. That’s not an easy thing to do. Obviously, I can’t control what you do but that’s what I’m asking. What I can control is myself. You can try to make me feel bad but I’m not going to let you.

Then you walk away with your song in your head.

One last thing: as tempting as it is, don’t complain about her to other kids. If you need to vent (and I’d totally understand if you did) talk to a sibling or a person in your family that you’re close to. Pick someone who’s good at listening and helps you think through things.

Remember, if you do any part of this, that’s success. This is an extremely difficult situation but if you can face this you can pretty much face anything.

Do you have a parenting dilemma for Rosalind? Send an email to askrosalind@familycircle.com.

Rosalind Wiseman helps families and schools with bullying prevention and media literacy. Her book “Queen Bees and Wannabes” inspired the hit movie “Mean Girls.” She writes the Ask Rosalind column for Family Circle , and blogs about parenting tweens and teens on Momster.com.

How We Embarrass Our Kids, and How to Stop

“I can’t even sneeze without my child wanting to die of embarrassment! I can’t even breathe!”

As parents of tweens and teens we tend to marvel and laugh about how embarrassed our children are of us. Okay, you’re allowed to sneeze and breathe however you want. But these aren’t the only ways we mortify our kids. I’ve recently come to the unfortunate conclusion that sometimes when our children are embarrassed of us, they’re right—even though our behavior is based on good intentions or understandable concern.

Let me give you a few examples. Look at them from a kid’s perspective and you’ll get it. And for the record, I’ve been guilty of every one.

An adult asks your child a question and you answer for her.

Let me set the scene: Your child is introduced to a new teacher, coach, your boss, who asks, “So what are you interested in?” Instantaneously you’re worried and thinking to yourself, Is he going to shrug his shoulders and mumble? Is he going to say he likes to play Call of Duty? Is she going to say, “What I really like doing is texting my friends?” So before your child can answer, you’re answering for her about her love of robotics club, student council or the team she’s trying out for next week. When your child stands there mute and then gets mad at you, you accuse her of being rude or a moody teen. But when you answer for her, she feels she’s being treated like she doesn’t have the capacity to answer for herself and you aren’t giving her a chance to practice presenting herself to other people.

You introduce your child by his deficits.

Imagine if your kid introduced you by saying, “Here’s my mother, Rosalind. She’s really shy.” Is it any wonder that the 15-year-old boy whose mother recently introduced him to me like this ran into his room? Yes, he might be shy, but it certainly didn’t help for his mom to point it out and increase his self-consciousness.

Oversharing.

“She never cleans up her room. She’s on that phone texting all the time to her friends. It’s amazing how early puberty starts these days! It’s just so hard raising a teen isn’t it?”

You shouldn’t be telling random people about your relationship with your child. This includes people in the grocery checkout line, strangers you strike up a conversation with, or even good friends if your son or daughter is around. When you’re having a problem that you really want to talk to another adult about, do it privately—away from your child.

While it’s hard to admit, our kids have the right to be angry and embarrassed if we discuss aspects of their lives that they consider intimate. They don’t want to be put into the box of being the moody teen. They want you to respect their privacy, and that means treating them respectfully in public.

***

If you’re guilty of any of the above, go to your child and say, “I’ve realized that sometimes I talk for you and don’t give you the opportunity to speak for yourself. From now on, I’m going to really try to stop myself. But if I don’t, I want you to say politely, ‘Mom, it’s okay. I’ve got it.’ I promise I’ll stop. And if I overshare, you can politely tell me to stop and I will.”

Yes, your child may not believe you’re capable of changing. He may not be able to resist expressing his doubt. Prove him wrong! I guarantee that your overall relationship will improve significantly. You may even get fewer of those annoying eye rolls and “Mom…you’re so embarrassing” comments.

*Originally posted on Momster.com.

Family Circle, Ask Rosalind: Getting Your Kids Back into School Mode

It never fails: The new school year gives moms, including myself, a huge adrenaline rush. I’m not just talking about that giddy they’re-back-in-school-and-out-of-the-house feeling. It’s the other rush, convincing you that this school year you’ll handle the inevitable parenting crises with graceful calm.

And then, two weeks later, when a classmate’s being mean to your child or she won’t unglue herself from the computer until reaching level 45 of her favorite game, the ideals come crashing down. You’re yelling at your kid and firing off e-mails to the school in ALL CAPS. But this go-round, I plan to have a realistically more rewarding year. Here’s how you can too.

Hit the Reset Button

Getting everyone out of a vacation mind-set and focused on school is a tough job, but Mom has got to do it. We all mourn the passing of summer—which you can remind your kids of while laying down the law. Tell them: “I know it was so fun enjoying ice cream and family movies all the time, but now you’ve got to buckle down, be in bed on time, and make sure your chores get done.” Pushing your crew back on schedule will require you to be the bad guy for a bit, but it’s pretty much the only way to make sure the kids don’t slack off on homework, oversleep and miss the school bus, or start letting the garbage pile up. Plus, sticking to these rules means raising children who can take care of themselves.

Many kids don’t understand why school is important, so it’s essential that you highlight school’s relevance by helping your children create personal goals.

Before the first class begins, craft a tangible connection between their interests and something at school. Ask them for two things they’d like to accomplish before next summer and how school can assist them in achieving those goals. Does your daughter want to learn how to program computers? Maybe it’s time to join the robotics club. Is your son thinking about creating a mosaic? Perhaps he can be a set designer for a school play or submit artwork to an upcoming exhibit. Just having this conversation about your kids’ passions is valuable because you’ll gain insight into what they love doing and they’ll start to make links between life in the classroom and life beyond it

 

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Win the Electronics War

September is the time of year a lot of tweens and teens test out different personalities and try to reinvent themselves online before heading back to class. Educate yourself by exploring your kids’ Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr profiles. Their profile picture (Is his shirt off while he’s flexing? Is she draped over someone you don’t know?) and the shows or books they “like” (Is she really watching Family Guy? Did he honestly love Saw?) reveal a lot about how they want to present themselves to the world and how they may be behaving away from home. The picture has less to do with who they are than with how they want to be perceived—and you might be able to avoid some problems down the line by addressing potential character attributes that you find discomfiting. Tell them you’ve looked at their picture and ask why they chose it. After you’ve heard their reasons, explain how it differs from what you expect for members of your family. Of course, talking about it doesn’t mean you’ll change what they decide to do. But if you really want them to have a sense of your values, these ongoing conversations are necessary.

If arguing over screen time catapults you into a bad mood, you can squash the conflict by creating a contract. I wrote one up after tiring of constantly repeating, “Turn it off right now! We really need to enjoy one another’s company!” We had our kids sign the memo of understanding below. Feel free to adapt it to your particular screen time situation.

Gaming Rules for the Wiseman-Edwards Family
The following is understood to be true:

When I play/watch etc., I have no ability to accurately gauge time. Therefore, I won’t say, “What?!!! I’ve only been on for a few minutes!” when a parent tells me my screen time is done.

I won’t constantly ask if I can have screen time after my mom or dad has said no.

Nor will I reply with, “Why?”

I won’t compare how long I’ve played with the amount my siblings have played.

I’ll track my time with a timer, which I will use honestly. Within 60 seconds of the timer going off, I’ll shut down.

When can I play video games?

No video or computer games during the school week.

On the weekend, I’m allowed a total of 90 minutes/day.

Screen time can’t interfere with my responsibilities. No matter how early I get up on a weekend morning, the dog must be walked and fed before I turn anything on.

Manners and social skills are important. While it’s fine to play a game waiting in line, it’s unacceptable to do so at your cousin’s wedding reception.

On my honor, I pledge that I won’t:

Download any games, music or apps (even if they’re free) without my parents’ permission. If I do, I understand that I’ll be forbidden from screen time for a week without exception and the amount of the charge will be deducted from my savings account or allowance.

Play games or visit websites that my parents forbid.

Allow my friends to go on websites my parents forbid when they’re at my house.

These rules may be updated by parental executive decision at any time.

Signed…

Did it solve our problems overnight? No. But it has led to better moods all around and helped me savor more of that new-year adrenaline rush.

 

Beat the Bullying Backlash

Last spring a 17-year-old Indianapolis student faced expulsion from high school after using a stun gun to fend off bullies he claims were about to beat him up. And in Florida an 18-year-old girl was punished for threatening bullies who had been harassing her and a disabled student. Stories of kids defending themselves—and being rebuked for it—are popping up all over. We’re now focusing on the second, defensive punch—not the first hit that started it all. We’re spotlighting the retaliation, not the instigation. This is often how schools’ “zero tolerance” rules work—punishing the target and not addressing the problem that made the person think he had to defend himself in the first place.

Make sure you and your child understand the school’s policy on bullying, whether your kid is the victim or advocating for one. I tell my kids that staying neutral when you see someone being picked on doesn’t look neutral. It looks like you’re siding with the bully. Whether they encourage the target to walk away with them or say two words as simple as “Lay off,” something must be done. Also tell them you’ve got their back as long as they do the right thing: Find the adult they think is the most responsible, intelligent and reliable person in the school and ask him or her to handle the situation.

Originally published in the September 2012 issue of Family Circle magazine.

How To Respond To Your Kid Being Sexually Harassed At School

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Teen parenting expert Rosalind Wiseman answers your tough questions.

Many readers of my June 7th blog asked what happened with Olivia, the girl who had written to me about how to tell her mom she was being sexually harassed at school. I checked in with Olivia a few days ago, and here is her response.

Hi Rosalind,

I ended up telling my mom the specifics, she was really understanding. I didn’t show her the article but I followed your advice in it. I realized that this boy who was so mean was truly not worth my time. He is just a learning experience and next time I will know how to handle things if this ever happens again. So grateful for all your advice.

-Olivia

 

Reading her reply, I was struck by how a terrible experience can be turned around. When Olivia was able to tell her mother what was specifically happening to her at school, her mom responded by being “really understanding.” That means she listened to Olivia without freaking out and letting her anger and anxiety get the best of her. But she wouldn’t have had the opportunity to show her daughter what a great mom she is if Olivia had kept quiet. And all Olivia would have been left with was what her mom had said when Olivia first tried to tell her about the situation: “That’s just the way boys are at this age.”

Instead, what Olivia took away from this experience is that if she tells her mom the complete truth about a problem she’s having, her mom can give her the support she needs and help her learn how to handle difficult situations. These are the moments that forever strengthen the relationship between parent and child.

Rosalind Wiseman helps families and schools with bullying prevention and media literacy. Her book “Queen Bees and Wannabes” inspired the hit movie “Mean Girls.” She writes the Ask Rosalind column for Family Circle , and blogs about parenting tweens and teens on Momster.com.

*First posted in momster.com

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow: College Transition Tips for Parents

In just a few short weeks, droves of teenagers will leave home sweet home and transition into the next phase of their life, college. While the transition period is full of mixed emotions for students, it is often equally, if not more, challenging for parents.

 

Colleges typically have an excellent freshman orientation program for families and cover every realm of what to expect during the first year. This helpful intention can leave parents feeling terribly uneasy, particularly from the personal/social and safety sessions.  Parties. Binge Drinking. Drugs. Sex. Academic failure. Getting along with roommates. Peer pressure. Sleep deprivation.  Homesickness. There’s more, right?  It’s overwhelming and easy to overlook all of the positive aspects of this major milestone.

 

Statistics argue that your teenager may experiment during their college years.  Illegal or not, it happens. Teenagers are quite capable of doing everything you taught them not to do.

Below are a few straightforward tips to keep the lines of communication open and help ease the transition for both you and your teen.

 

Do:

Talk to your teen about your concerns before he or she leaves for school. Create a safety plan together; no matter how many times eyes are rolled at you.
Listen without judgment and try not to freely lend your advice.  Especially if they are venting about a class, roommate, the cafeteria meals, etc.  If you are dying to tell your teen what to do, ask gently, “would you like my advice or do you just want me to listen?”  Respect their answer.
Don’t freak out if they confess that they did something illegal, against your family values, or downright stupid.  If they are safe, listen and calmly discuss what happened. Reserve the right to call them back if you need process time. Sometimes expressing disappointment in a calm manner gets the point across better than a colossal blowout.
Know the telephone numbers of important campus staff.
Ask open-ended questions. For example, instead of asking, “How was your weekend?” say “Tell me about your weekend.”  This simple tactic makes it more difficult for your teen to respond with the often used retort, “fine.”
Periodically send a care package, card, or hand written letter.
Encourage your teen to branch out and get involved in the countless activities their college has to offer.
Model healthy coping skills, particularly when you drop them off.  It’s important to hold yourself together until you get in the car.  Bonus points if you are off campus before you lose it.
Find support if you need it. Trust me, you’re not alone.

 

 

Don’t:

Unnecessarily or constantly text/call your teen
Needle your teen for information.
Threaten your teen about making poor choices.  If you say something along the lines of, “if you drink or do drugs, you’re coming home and we are not paying for college,” they are less likely to call you if they are in a bind.
Attempt to make them feel guilty for not visiting home more often, especially if their college is close.
Show up unannounced.  Ever.
Be ignorant and think, “my child would never….” Chances are they will. If they don’t, they know someone who does.
Put an overwhelming amount of pressure on them about grades.  Instead, communicate your interests about the classes they are taking and the subject content.
Attempt to rescue your teen by calling professors or other campus professionals unless it’s absolutely necessary (meaning, their health or life is in danger.)  It’s important for your teen to make and learn from their mistakes.

 

This rite of passage only occurs once.  Take time to process what is about to happen and allow yourself, and your teen, to be proud of the bright future that lies ahead.

 

Julia V. Taylor

Dean, Wake Young Women’s Leadership Academy

Raleigh, NC

www.juliavtaylor.com

Twitter @juliavtaylor

 

**Originally posted by The Century Council

Bullying: It Stops Here Receives Emmy Nomination

We are proud to announce that Bullying:  It Stops Here has just been nominated for an Emmy Award!  The CNN television Town Hall special moderated by Anderson Cooper and developed in collaboration with Rosalind competes in the category of Outstanding News Discussion and Analysis.  Final results will be announced during the September 23 ABC broadcast of the Emmy Awards.

Rosalind’s Collaboration With Illinois Superintendents Makes Headlines

An ongoing initiative by Illinois Regional School Superintendents to address bullying and create a culture of dignity in schools has Rosalind continuing a tour of the state this week.  Her recent visit to Rockford was profiled in local media in print and video.

Click here to read WIFR’s online report.  

 Watch WREX 13′s story here.

 

 

When Adults Participate, It’s Still Bullying

Rosalind was quoted in the CBC News print and then interviewed on CBC radio when she weighed on whether last week’s “moose poop” incident was merely a joke.