Jay Swanson's Blog, page 7

My Struggles – Part 3: Comparison

This is part three in a series I’ve wittily entitled “My Struggles,” which is basically me laying out just how human I am for you to judge and otherwise do with as you will.

We all struggle with very similar things, of this I’m fairly certain. One of the big no-nos of living a healthy life is comparing yourself to others. Comparison can serve a purpose from time to time, particularly when you want to over-inflate your ego or watch it burn.

In all seriousness it can serve a purpose if you use it as a guide-post, comparing what you’re doing or how you’re doing it to the work of a master and seeing how you stack up. Not to see if you’re as good as said ‘master,’ but to see how you can improve to better become like her. However once you start comparing yourself to them in a sense that reflects on your inherent worth, you’ve wandered into dangerous territory. Especially when you compare yourself to someone concerning something over which you have NO CONTROL. If you start doing this, like saying “I wish my eyes were blue instead of brown, then I’d be happy.” It’s time to slap yourself.

I don’t really compare myself to others all that often, to be honest. I don’t look at doctors or cosmonauts and wonder, “Where did I go wrong?” I’m on a path I want to be on, chasing dreams that are my own. But I do compare myself to the perceived success of others. A lot. (This falls into the category of things I can’t control)

This is most sharply pronounced when looking at other entertainers, particularly writers. Now I should say that I’ve made significant strides in this area, but the lessons hold their merit and the struggle isn’t fully won. Here’s what I’m learning:

1) Success is a moving target. It doesn’t matter what I achieve, there will always be someone doing greater or cooler things, and the definition of that can and will always change the closer I come to it. I have to define it for myself and reach for that, otherwise I’ll always be floundering as I look around at varying definitions embodied in other people.

2) I’m pretty young. If your’e 15 and reading this you’re probably thinking: “No you aren’t.” Well I hate to be the one to break it to you kid, but shut up. They say that your twenties are all about figuring out who you are and what you want to do with your life. This means if I can get it figured out within the next two years (today’s my 28th birthday, after all) I’m ahead of the game. It’s also a good reminder that I have the rest of my life (presumably a sizable chunk of time) to work towards my goals. There’s no rush. Even if the thought of dying with stories left untold is a driving force for me.

3) Happiness for others brings happiness to me. If I can look at these people who are doing things I wish I was doing and be happy for them, genuinely happy for what’s happening in their lives, I will be happier too. I try to imagine that whoever I’m looking at, be it John Green or Patrick Rothfuss, is a close friend who has struck it big. This makes me really happy for them, and suddenly my jealousy and bitter thoughts are gone. I’m genuinely happy for their success, which makes me wish only more success on them – which is a MUCH BETTER FEELING. And it brings me to my final point:

4) No one promised me anything anyways. It’s not about me. This life, my work, the world at large. None of it rotates around me, and no one promised that life would be easy or success would come cheap. In fact it seems pretty certain that the opposite is true for just about everyone. I’m no exception. I was put on this earth to work and to make something I can be proud of. Neither of those things are easy in and of themselves.

I think that point three is the most useful for everyone, if it’s possible to cover the breadth of humanity with a single pro tip. Assuming it is, that pro tip would be this: If you’re jealous of someone else, try to imagine that they’re someone you care for immensely and take a moment to be proud of them.

It should melt that jealousy right out of your system. At least that’s what helps me.

Some Final France

I’m leaving soon, this much should be obvious for how much I talk about it. There’s not much France time left for me, so I’ve gotta absorb as much as I can. Granted, going to Belgium over Bastille Day isn’t exactly a good way to go about absorbing French culture, but the beer is significantly better over there. Beer and fries (and waffles and chocolate) aside, I’m trying to take time in the midst of packing up my life and smell the proverbial roses.

It’s also a challenge to keep everything up to date online when you’re this busy and your internet has been prematurely cancelled.

One thing to think about, from my twentieth and final French Friday, is how we perceive each other across international boundaries. If you’re from a large country (in comparison to your neighbors especially) then it’s important to remember that you aren’t always viewed in a favorable light. Whether or not you’re aware of it, or deserve it, being large draws attention – and not always the kind you want. This is true for relations like the US and Canada, or France and Belgium, or England and the rest of the world. If you’re influential (or have been more or less for centuries on end), people are going to view you in a different light than you may think you deserve.

I’ll visit this concept more in the future I’m sure, but a little vlog should suffice for now:



And finally, as I talk more and more on dreams, I tried to vlog about them last night. It was a challenge, however, as YouTube’s capture app kept cutting me off mid-video and the battery life was near its end. Then uploading took me two days as (surprise surprise) the internet is not exactly the easiest thing for me to come by at the moment. I still gave it a whirl, however, and if nothing else you get a nice view of the Eiffel Tower. Why it’s all green and blue and red I have no idea. Sorry I’m so distracted by this point:



What do you think makes dreams unique? Do you feel like you have to follow something that’s preordained, or can you head out on your own path?

Trapped

Don’t get trapped in your mind before you even set foot out the door.

We all have dreams, whether or not we’ll admit that publicly. If you don’t have any dreams or hopes for the future, then I’m not the writer for you.

If you do have dreams, it’s time to step towards them already.

One of the biggest reasons I even have to say that is because we’re often our own worst enemies when it comes to pursuing our dreams. Some people fear failure, others fear success, and most don’t even think they have a chance in the first place. Some people have absolutely no support from others in following their dreams. It may come as a surprise to you to know that even people who are well-supported struggle with their own doubts and fears. (We’ll deal with this later)

I don’t know what your specific reason for hesitating is (assuming that is in fact your challenge at the moment), or why you sit there and say “I wish I could do that,” where ‘that’ is whatever your dream may be. The thing is that you can do that. It will require you to count a cost, and to decide if it’s worth having in spite of that cost (as anything worth having invariably requires something of us). The only person holding the keys to your future is you.

Yes there are other people who can help you along the way, and I would argue that you absolutely need the help of others, but only you can shut yourself down before you even begin. Choose to move towards whatever it is you want. Figure out what steps are necessary and take the first one, trusting that it will be worth whatever it will cost you.

When I find that I’m shutting myself down before I even get started, this is what helps me. To set down (on paper even) what it is that I want, to draw out the necessary steps to get there below it, and then to start by attacking the first step on the list. It becomes a matter of simple necessity, a bite-sized step that no longer requires as much emotional strength or mental fortitude. Don’t drag yourself down, if you can help it. Do your best to turn your dreams into a series of manageable goals, then take them down one at a time.

Example time: Let’s say you want to travel, or live abroad for an extended period of time: start by figuring out what it will take to do it. At first it will seem overwhelming, finding a job, getting a visa, paying for plane tickets and every other expense, but if you break those necessary steps into their own series of lists of goals it will steadily become doable.

The money you need becomes a series of goals for savings. The visa process becomes a list of things you need to collect and papers you’ve got to fill out. The job hunt… well job hunting is job hunting no matter where you are.

No one promised it would be easy. Hell, I’d say that if there’s any promise in life it’s that it will be hard. But nothing worth having was ever easy. And all the things really worth having are guaranteed to cost us something.

Finally, if you knew all of this but you’re still looking for something that will help, here it is:

Stop wallowing like a sack of guts and get a move forward! No one is going to do the work for you, no one is going to wrap your dreams up in a nice little bow and hand them to you. This one is on you, and you’re wasting precious daylight. Get on it!

Dreams are just really big goals you haven’t gotten serious about yet. So get serious, it’s worth it.

My Struggles – Part 2: Expectations

This is part two of my continuing series on some of the things I wrestle with in life that I’m calling “My Struggles.” Simple, I know, but it’s only fair that if I encourage you to chase your dreams I share my difficulties along the way. Check out part one here.

When I dream, I dream big. It’s a recurring theme in my life, and one that I’ve chosen to write more about just because not only do I believe we should all dream big, but we should chase those dreams down and make them realities as well. Dreams, however, require expectations, and expectations are notoriously difficult to manage.

When I was a kid I used to drive my parents crazy with new plans and dreams and overly-ambitious ideas. Turning our basement into an over-sized finch cage comes to mind. But the dreams I have as an adult are far less under my control. If it was my dream to build a finch cage today, I dare say that I should be able to accomplish it in a matter of days, which is what makes it a lame dream.

It’s possibly a great idea for sprucing up the place (musically at least), and a fun project, but dreams require so much more. Dreams are what we use to shift landscapes and change the world. Dreams are big and beyond our current capacity. Dreams are hard.

Expectations are what I’m struggling with now, however. Expecting to be a bestselling author, for example, or to meet and marry the dynamic woman I’ve always wanted, or make a full-length motion picture. These dreams are real, ones I’ve had my whole life, and ones that I may never achieve.

That’s the danger in dreaming big: I may never get what I want out of this. I may try really hard, do all that I can, and fail nonetheless. We see how timing and chance play such a strong factor in the success of so many. Will I have that timing? Will chance hold me in its favor?

The larger question is this: when, if ever, do I mitigate my expectations? Are they set too high? Should I dumb them down in exchange for something safer? Sometimes I wonder if my expectations are even realistic. Sometimes people ask me the same question. Sometimes bluntly.

Today I don’t know, but I’m going to keep pursuing my dreams just the way I always have. I would rather give it everything and fail miserably than settle for something less. Because at least I’ll know I didn’t give up, even if I have nothing to show for it (save a series of scars and PTSD). I’ll keep traveling, learning, growing, and pouring myself into those dreams, because eventually something’s gotta give – even if that something is me.

How about you? How do you decide when to give up? When do you mitigate your expectations?

Wake and Jam Festival – Switzerland

So I had a blast this last weekend working at an extreme sports music festival in Switzerland, Wake and Jam, where I was a part of the video crew responsible for whipping up videos on the major events and bands and getting them on the net as quickly as possible. We had some technical difficulties, and one night with only 20 minutes of sleep, but it was a blast.

My buddy VJ Spir asked me to come up and help out, and we had a great time running around backstage taking footage and trying not to step over pyrotechnics when they went off (a really quick way to kill the mood). We interviewed the winners of the events, the headlining bands, and on occasion ourselves.

Here’s the overview video I edited from the footage the three of us shot over the weekend (plus the drone guys, who were super cool).

 

I met some really cool people, saw some amazing displays of athleticism, an air show, and was introduced to a great band that I should have heard of a long time ago: The Subways.

I was also asked to sketch out an album cover for them for the recording of their show, thus the photo of me with them holding a random album (and the partial nudity was only somewhat related). You can see a closeup of it here.

Oh, and there was a blob. So with three GoPros, an iPhone, and an aerial drone shooting in full HD, we filmed me getting blobbed twice. Check it out:

And be sure to check out Spir’s band, Sam and the Fuse Factory! They graciously provided me with the music, and I finally got to see them perform at the festival.

All in all it’s been an exhausting week, but it’s been well worth it. I’ve got some more work with Mercy Ships here in Switzerland before I head to Paris, although thankfully I’ve gotten some good time in the mountains and with friends. I’m soaking up every moment of green grass and mountains I possibly can before I head to the Congo.

After a night in Paris I turn around and head straight to Brussels to see my aunt and uncle before heading to the Netherlands to see some newlywed friends, pick up an Australian, and return to Brussels for another two nights. Then it’s two days in Paris, and off to the Canaries for 10 before sailing to the Congo (with a brief trip on the ship between two islands in the Canaries too). All that to say, I’m gonna do my best to keep up with the blogging/vlogging.

You know I miss you. Drop me a line! Just because I’m traveling doesn’t mean I can’t chat it up online (although timing may be an issue).

Saying Au Revoir to Paris

It’s hard to believe it’s almost been a year since I first moved to Paris. I didn’t know what was coming, and to be fair I only half-knew what I was doing.

I have a number of goals in life, one of which has been to live here. When I first moved to Nice six years ago, my main goal was just to live in France and get the language figured out. When I finally visited Paris, I realized that I hadn’t had the full experience I needed. Not yet. And so Paris found itself even more firmly on my map for the future.

When Mercy Ships asked me to join the Creative Pool based out of Switzerland, and I managed to secure a job teaching English here, everything seemed to be working out perfectly. I had no idea just how perfectly until I was offered a room in the wealthiest part of the city for free.

Now I’ve been asked to return to the ship as the PR Coordinator for our field service to the Republic of the Congo, a position that is best summed up as hosting media teams, celebrities, and major donors that come to the ship for a visit to see what it is we do. It should be a fun job, and the Congo sounds like a good adventure. From everything I’ve heard so far, it actually sounds much better developed than the West African cities I’ve served in and should provide its own unique brand of culture shock.

Thankfully there should be a bunch of Frenchies around, so I can keep my French up (and I might actually put some effort into it this year too, something struggling with depression earlier this year didn’t really leave me with the energy for).

I’ll be sure to share aspects of the inevitable adventures here, and maybe you’ll get to see some special vlog guests along the way, but if you’re more intensely interested in my time with Mercy Ships you can check out my blog over at jayonaboat.com. I’ll be updating it every Wednesday with reflections, adventures, and stories about our patients as the field service moves forward.

I’m going to write on this blog the 5th/15th/25th of each month, with a specific theme for each day (the 5th, as you might tell, will be personal updates). I’ll post more about that on the “About me” page here soon (I’m still struggling with a lack of internet at my apartment). I’ve also started a series on my struggles as I move through life and chase my dreams. I figure it’s only fair to share those if I’m going to be encouraging you to chase yours.

The next year is going to be crazy, as the last few certainly have been. Feel free to ask any questions you have, and never be afraid to drop me a line to say hi!

The Day the Internet Died

So I came home to a wonderful surprise on Sunday evening – my internet had been cancelled by the guy who is best described as my landlord’s handyman. She had told him to look into it, because I’m leaving soon, and he told her that it would take a couple of months to go through so she said to go ahead.

I think he mistook that for “I’d like this done as quickly as possible please,” because my internet didn’t take two months to die. It’s dead now. This guy is a really good guy, and a great help to both my landlady and me. The problem in this instance is that his efficiency and efficacy worked to rob me of my internet connection. We’re working on a solution.

In the meantime I decided to try and upload my vlog for today from somewhere else. First I had to overcome the fact that most of my hard drives wouldn’t work with my work Mac, and then I went in search of WiFi.

Of course nowhere I went had working WiFi, including the McDonald’s where I made the mistake of buying food before finding this out. I finally landed at a local American themed diner and (thankfully) started uploading the vlog.

Apparently they have a limit set on how much you can upload, because it keeps failing. And they’re closing in ten minutes.

So there will be a vlog at some point, just not today. In the meantime, enjoy your internet while you have it. You never know when it will just up and disappear on you.

EDIT: I may have actually gotten it to upload, they stayed open for another hour and are of course kicking me out with only a few minutes left to finish the upload. It may be here if you’re lucky.

My Struggles – Part 1: Living Life Right Now

I thought I’d share with you some of my struggles in a multi-part series that may have no end, which I’m creatively naming “My Struggles.”

Tonight I feel like a failure. I feel this way from time to time, and now is one of those times. It can be really hard not to look at what I want from life and to feel like I may never have it. In fact, it can be really easy to look at very specific things and feel precisely like I will never have them. Take success with my writing, or “financial security,” or falling deeply in love with the woman of my dreams. These are all things that I want, and that seem just out of my reach no matter what I do.

But this leads to a problem, and the problem is me. More specifically, the problem is my expectations, and my inability to live in the moment. We can get to expectations another time, because that deserves a post of its own, but what I’m struggling with tonight is not appreciating where I am right now.

I don’t know when I’ll post this, but as I write this entry I’m sitting in Paris, France. The one city on earth where I’ve always wanted to live, in the one country that mysteriously captured my heart when I was a kid. This is some form of accomplishment, I know, but in this moment it feels anything but.

And herein lies my problem. I have this fantasy future in which I try to live, where I have everything I’ve ever desired and somehow that makes me happy and content. But that’s a lie, and I know it. There will always be things to strive for in life, and success is a moving target. I’ll never have it all, but I already have so much. I would rather live here in the present and appreciate what’s in front of me, like Paris, than spend my time dreaming of something “bigger and better.”

You can’t live life like it will start once you’ve gotten somewhere else. You have to start living it now, or you won’t appreciate it when you get there.

Easier advice to type out on a keyboard than to put into practice, as it turns out.

Everyone Around Here is Hot

French Friday 19 is, of course, dedicated to the fact that this city is loaded with attractive people. And I mean loaded. It makes you wonder if there’s an official system of zoning where only people of certain levels of attractiveness can live within certain parts of the city. I wouldn’t be surprised. Even my friends are all better looking than I am.

You might think this is a good thing, especially if you’re single and looking to mingle. Bad rhyme (forgive me). But this might not always be the case. In fact, sometimes it’s essentially the opposite of what you want. Video:



Thankfully I have managed to find a pharmacy manned by men, which is a good start. And to be fair, I haven’t had much trouble starting conversations on the metro or (occasionally) at movie theaters. I guess you just need to find places where women are stuck next to you for an extended period of time and hope for the best. Just don’t get creepy about it.

 

Unavailable in Africa

So I just received an email with an interesting image, my book is apparently unavailable on Kindle in “Africa.” Like, the entire continent. I’m pretty sure this isn’t true, as I know people have purchased it in South Africa. But if you try to buy one of my books and get an error like this, just send me a screenshot of it in an email and I’ll hook you up with a copy. I want my books to be available to anyone, regardless of location.

Also, if you want the book on your Nook you can still get it for Kindle and convert it, or you can just send me a note and we can make some magic happen. MAGIC I SAY!