Jay Swanson's Blog, page 8

The Freedom to Pee – French Friday 18

I will say this, that as a cultural norm this has saved me from bursting an organ on a couple of occasions. The French aren’t very good at providing places to relieve yourself in private, with public restrooms and the like. They claim to have them, but most of the time they’re closed or simply nonexistent. If you can’t talk a waiter into letting you into a restaurant for the sole purpose of using their restroom, you may be doomed. This is when knowing how to curse in French comes in very useful.

But never fear! It’s France, and if you’re a guy you’re free to find a nice spot behind a dumpster, bush, or mobile crepe vendor and release as necessary. If you’re a lady… well ladies don’t do that sort of thing anyways, right?



Apparently the French are getting sick of the wanton stinkification of their city too, because these have started popping up everywhere. Outdoor urinals. I guess the French aren’t too worried about being a spectacle. Where’s the coolest place you’ve ever peed?

 

How to Catch a Girl

Not with a net. Romantically speaking.

So I did a blog last week on how to catch a guy, which turned into some overall relationship and life advice. That advice still stands, although it’s always dangerous telling people how to live their lives. It’s time for some new advice, however, this time more geared towards the man folk. This week I give you “How to Catch a Girl,” with a very similar tone as last week’s video (some of this may be directly inspired by my sister’s recent run-ins with classy fellas).

Some things I’ve learned over the years (which can probably go both ways, again):

1) Girls like you or they don’t. This looks stupid as a sentence on paper but it needs to be said. Yes you can win people over in time, but if your ulterior motives drive this too strongly odds are you’ll just run them off. Let friendships form naturally and don’t force things.

2) Be honest with your intentions. Also summarized as being honest with yourself. If you’re into a girl and you want more than friendship, then go for more than friendship. I’ve screwed this up enough to know better, as have most guys (I can only hope). If you don’t treat her with romantic intent you’re going to get “Friend Zoned” because that’s all she assumes you’re after. Try to be as clear as you can be without being creepy, because that’s bad news too (and the “Creep Zone” is way harder to get out of).

3) She’s human. Don’t put her on a pedestal. You’re not perfect and you know it, so extend the same grace to her. Worshiping her will only lead down bad roads, and will eventually destroy the relationship. Either she’ll get weirded out and forced away by the insurmountable pressure you put her under, or you’ll realize you aren’t worthy of such a goddess and you’ll sabotage the relationship. Treat her like a person, with needs and flaws and feelings and everything that entails.

4) Girls want you too. You don’t have to trick her into liking you, this isn’t some sort of clandestine exchange. We’ve stumbled into this misogynistic worldview where women are the gatekeepers to relationships and sexuality, which really isn’t fair on any level. This goes back to treating her like a human, but you both want and need things in life and “Companionship” is probably a common item on that list. If you aren’t made for each other, fine, walk away, just don’t treat her like a lock you have to pick.

5) You can be complete without someone else. Yes having someone else can be fantastic, but being single can be amazing too. Society defines us as men by how many women we can woo and how externally beautiful those we woo are (which goes back to this idea that men and women are on opposing sides of some relational battlefield). You don’t have to be summed up by who you can “Get with,” which I think is a pretty shallow form of self-definition to begin with. There’s a lot of life to live out there on your own, and once you pick someone you’re just exchanging one set of problems for another (not to destroy your dreams).

Men: Women are people. Treat them as such, with dignity and respect. You might not get laid all of the time, but you might discover that there’s more to life than conquering the opposite sex. Keep your end goals in mind, be honest, and proceed with kindness and selfless action. These are truly manly qualities.

What have you learned along these lines that deserves mentioning? Ladies, is there anything we should know? Am I wrong?

Here’s some Eiffel Tower romance for your time.

How to Cuss in French – French Friday 17

I seriously asked how to do this on my first day of high school French, and got absolutely no response. Well, no response that I wanted. I think that my teacher (who I only had for one year, and who was French herself) asked me why I would want to know such things? This displayed an insane amount of either naivete or overconfident sarcasm (it was hard to tell with her), and so I proceeded to give the obvious answer: “Because I want to know what it means when I get insulted in France.”

Obviously I was going to be cussed at whenever it was I made it to France. I mean, they had a reputation for being rude (and her attitude wasn’t helping much with that stereotype). I didn’t want to walk in blind, this seemed perfectly reasonable.

I don’t think she appreciated the insinuation.

Well now I’m an adult and I live in France and I know more dirty words than you can shake a stick at. They call them “les gros mots” in French, literally “fat words,” and they use them all the time. I can only assume that there are high school students all over the country, NAY, the world who wish they knew how to cuss in French. Well now I provide for you a selection of France’s finest. Knock yourself out (just don’t tell your parents I told you).

If you didn’t catch all of that (and can’t be bothered to skip back in the video… lazy bones) then I might be persuaded to make a more comprehensive list in blog form later. Let me know if you want to know anything in particular in the comments below, and either I or one of my French experts (in other words: friends) will help you out as best we can.

Here’s the Louvre for your trouble (which should be a swear on its own, “Louvre!”)

How do you get a guy to like you?

I think this post will actually apply pretty directly to both men and women if you swap out for your preferred gender, but something I get asked by girl friends regularly enough is “How can you get a guy to like you?” To which I usually respond, “Well I don’t want guys to like me. At least not like that, thank you very much.”

I get punched a lot by my “friends.”

Anyways, there seems to be a pretty constant stream of “Give me the formula for life” going on around us at all times, so I thought I’d address this one in a helpful video for my Monday vlog. Of course, these tips really can go both ways if you’re a guy and you’re wondering how to go about tricking a gi-I mean courting the girl of your dreams.

In all seriousness, if you’re wondering how to get someone to “like you,” take a moment to think about what it is you like about other people. What is it that draws you to them? I’m gonna go out on a limb here and list a few things I think we all find attractive, and how I think you should actually go about applying that information to your own life.

How Do You Get Someone to Like You?

1. They’re Easy to Be Around – No one wants to sit through awkward moments or forced conversations. Not everyone is easy to get along with, but there are certain people you simply do get on with better than others. This leads me to two thoughts. One is that you shouldn’t put pressure on yourself if someone doesn’t like hanging around you for some reason. There are people made to mesh with everyone, and those easy relationships are the kind you should gravitate towards rather than trying to force others to happen. And two, you should relax. If you can just relax and be yourself, people are more likely to do the same around you. How do you relax?

2. Confidence – This is both the sexiest thing you can wear and the most difficult thing for most of us to come across in ourselves. Confidence comes from knowing who you are, and not only accepting that but loving it. The greatest form of confidence springs from humility. In other words: confidence comes from simply not thinking about yourself. If you want to attract others, stop thinking about yourself so much. Whether you think about yourself negatively or positively, just stop. Put that thought towards the benefit of others and they’ll love you for it. Which brings us to

3. Generosity – Everyone loves generous people. Whether they’re generous with their finances, their time, or their joy, people that share are people we want to be around. It can be really hard to share, so make a concerted effort to do so. Especially in the areas you find most difficult. Soon you’ll get addicted to it, and it won’t be so hard any more. It will be a pleasure.

4. Honesty – If you can be yourself without hiding too much, you’ll find people gravitate towards you more. Some will be repelled, certainly, but those are people you don’t want around anyways (and often many come back around later, as honest people can be so hard to find). If someone falls in love with a lie, they won’t love you much when that lie disappears. Lies can be a short term solution to awkward situations or conversations, but as is well documented in nearly every romantic comedy in history: lies are nothing but time bombs in relationships. This is true of friends as much as it is romantic interests. Be yourself now so you can cut through the crap and see who sticks around. It’s better than wasting your time building a facade that will only blow down later anyways.

5. Appearance and Availability – Finally, an easier topic for some of you: Take care of your appearance. At least look decently groomed and hygienic. The way people perceive you is important, even if you feel like it shouldn’t be. We shouldn’t judge books by covers, but boy do we ever. Take a little time to make sure you look presentable, and be available for people to approach you. If you really want to make friends/find a date, being open and willing not only to talk but to say “Yes, I’d love to go out with you on Friday.” is about the only way you’re going to accomplish this. Ladies, if a guy works up the courage to ask you out and there are no signs of serial killer going on, give him a shot. Guys, grow a pair and start asking ladies out. A lot of them are just waiting to be asked, so stop freaking yourself out with fears of rejection and just get on with it already!

And to reiterate, as hard as this is to believe, guys and girls are both into this whole “Finding a partner” thing. We aren’t enemies trying to trick each other into capitulating to our desires, we’re allies trying to make the right matches that will be successful and happy. At least that’s how it should be. Treat people with dignity and respect, like human beings – not like locks you need to pick to get what you want.

Of course these locks represent something slightly different (locking your love in Paris, in case you were wondering)

French Friday 16 – Missin’ ‘Murica

Sometimes you get homesick, sometimes you forget home exists, but then there comes a period in your life where you’re just cool wherever you are. I’ve been living in that window of time for a while now, not really thinking about anywhere other than where I was (living in Paris can help with this). But recently I’ve had some pangs for home, initiated by my sister sending me photos of her eating pizza without me, or a desire for sunshine, or missing my mom, or wanting to play games with friends, or… well you get the picture.

I thought I’d take some time to contrast France and home again, but this time to say that there are a few things I really miss about the States that I don’t get enough of here. So without further ado, here are a few things about the States in particular that I miss:

Makeup Contest Winner – Fashion Pictures – The Vitalis Chronicles with Fashion World

So one of the last things I ever thought I would do was sponsor a makeup artist contest with a fashion magazine and wind up with a fashion photo based on my books. It wasn’t the last thing I ever thought I’d do (there’s a good solid list of things I know I won’t) but this one wasn’t even really on the radar.

This is one of the coolest and most random things that’s happened surrounding my books so far. People from all over the world created works of facial art inspired by my books and a selection of related images, as well as a cheat-sheet description designed to help get a feel for my books without jumping too far in (time was short, after all).

To be completely honest, I didn’t think that anyone would even enter. I knew that was silly, but part of me thought there was no way people would actually participate in something like this – not because of Fashion World (who has plenty of highly interactive followers on Facebook) but simply because, well, I’m just that way I guess.

But some of what we received was mind blowingly cool. I never knew makeup and fashion could combine to create such magic. I only had one vote in the process, but what they chose to compete out of what was submitted was all worth viewing. Here is the winner, along with a selection of my favorites that you won’t get to see anywhere else. Time for some fashion pictures:

- WINNER -

If girls’ makeup looked like this when they cried I don’t think they’d freak out about it so much

Model: Julia Icone

MUA: Amanda Marsala

Photographer: Laura Bello

This makeup is magic – how on earth… I mean I don’t know much about makeup to begin with, but wow. This image captures you with the combination of Amanda’s skill and Julia’s beauty and little more. There’s no reliance on props or extra flare, it’s as straightforward (dare I say pure?) as they came, and it’s captivating. The color selection was pretty much perfect too. All around well played and a well-deserved win for Amanda Marsala.

Unfortunately we can’t all be winners, but there were some close runners up. Here are the other three that made it into Fashion World’s top selection:

- RUNNERS UP -

Anderson Smith

Karolina Ryvolová

Artist: Alexys-Fleming
Original base/inspiration image by DominicQuek as found here

You can expect to see those top two grace my pages at some point – talk about inspiring. People ask where I get my ideas from, and I can probably just forward them this blog post from now on as a concise answer.

Of course no selection would be complete without choosing a personal favorite out of the mix. I realize this was primarily a makeup contest, so I can’t complain at the selection, but I can have a favorite that has less to do with makeup and more to do with overall composition and HOLY WOW factor. I received this beautiful image directly during the contest, and it blew me away. It also opened my eyes to the caliber of entries we would be seeing during the contest. I can say that while a number of the entries have sparked inspiration and new trains of thought for characters, styles, and cultures within future books – this image will certainly find its way into a story in the future.

- BADASS AWARD -

Makeup, hair, styling, concept design: Jacqueline Kalab
Photography and digital art: Colin Anderson
Model: Sasha
Head piece and jewelry provided by Shunyata.

I was looking for something like this for inspiration and it’s going to stick with me. You might just see it again in the future (odds are very good).

I want to say thank you to everyone who participated in the contest! It was a lot of fun to see what you came up with and I’m honored that you would take the time and put in so much effort! It was yet another humbling experience to pile on the rest that have been happening recently. If you would ever like to submit other images or fan art of any kind, I’m always excited to receive it!

I’ll leave you with a few more fashion images from the contest, and of course will wind it all up with the trailer for Steps of Krakador by the talented PJ Accetturo.

Beauty, Styling, Makeup Hair – Mauricio Ferrás

Magdalena Skoczylas

Ksenia Linjova
Photo by Sergi

 

And be sure to check out the Vitalis Chronicles on Amazon - I mean, that’s what this is all about, right? For Kindle and in Paperback, available internationally wherever books are sold.

To the Congo!

Not to mention some Hermit Crab musings. I still don’t know where she got her powers of evasion from, but I suppose I’ll never know.

And more of course, predominantly: I’m moving to the Congo?



The following image is from my blog on my time with Mercy Ships, but I thought I’d share it with you here as well for some geographic context, in case the whole “Congo” thing was confusing.

Things I’ve Learned to Love About French Culture

There are always things you love instantly about cultures, and then there are always things you hate. Sometimes the things you’re not so fond of are seriously annoying, and other times they’re just things that take time to grow accustomed to. This is my second time living in France, and while Paris is a completely different beast than Nice, there has been a lot to learn from both. On this week’s French Friday I cover just what it is about the French that has taken getting used to, but that I’ve grown to appreciate a lot.



One of the big things for me about things being closed on Sundays is that it helps fight workaholism. Some would argue that the French work ethic is pretty abysmal as it is, but I think having cultural stops like shutting down most everything once a week to rest is a fantastic way to keep people from living to work. Unlike where I’m from, the French work to live.

Also, sorry about the skipped vlogs in the last couple of weeks – it’s been pretty insane and after launching my third book, sitting in front of a computer is the last thing I want to be doing right now.

Live Interview with Amy Townsend

The live part has already passed, but the interview is available for posterity on Amy Townsend’s YouTube channel. Amy runs the site What’s Better Than This? It’s a site dedicated to those who are un/underemployed, looking for a job change, or who simply need some career advice. It’s also often hilarious.

Amy asked me if she could interview me about what it’s like to write and be an author, and though I told her I didn’t really know anything she insisted – it wasn’t hard to capitulate to such a friendly demand. It was a lot of fun to sit and talk with her via Google+ Hangout, this being my first live interview of the sort. If you missed it live on YouTube, you can still watch it here:

Released! Steps of Krakador is Here!

That’s right, the Vitalis Chronicles is complete at last – Steps of Krakador is available in paperback and on Kindle for your reading pleasure! Be sure to pick up a copy and share it with your friends!

In the meantime, PJ Accetturo has created an awesome trailer with a few added special effects by yours truly. Give it a watch, and be sure to head on over to PJ’s collection and watch more of his stuff!

You can of course watch the version hosted on PJ’s Vimeo account as well:

Steps of Krakador – Book Trailer from PJ Accetturo on Vimeo.

Director, DP, Editor: PJ Accetturo

Script and VFX: Jay Swanson

Music: Pandemic by Tony Anderson

soundcloud.com/23violins

It’s finally complete and available to the world! – Pick up your copy at Amazon today!