Connie E. Sokol's Blog, page 31

Your Message Your Way – Tips for Taking Your Craft to the Next Level while Maintaining Authenticity

 

Balance reDefined Radio Episode 58

Your Message Your Way – Tips for Taking Your Craft to the Next Level while Maintaining Authenticity with Clint Pulver

(The following is the transcript of the podcast.)

Connie Sokol: Hi, I’m Connie Sokol, a national speaker, bestselling author, program founder, and mother of seven and loving it. I’m reaching and teaching 1 million listeners to live a purposeful, organized, and joyful life. You can too. So let’s go.

Welcome back to the You Got This Women Podcast. I am so happy to have you here for more great goodies with all of our presenters and keynote people for the upcoming conference. You get to have a taste of the magic that is waiting for you in just a short while, so, so thrilled.

So if you haven’t yet got your ticket, what’s up, go get that ticket. Yougotthiswomen, with an e-n, .com get your ticket and grab your friends. It’s that kind of day, that kind of energy, and I’m speaking today, to one of those people who is bringing it! That energy that just makes it memorable where you walk away and go, I’m going to live on this for three weeks, which is what we did last year. It’s Clint Pulver and I am so happy to have you here. Thanks for taking time with us today.

Clint Pulver: Yeah, of course. Thanks for having me on. I’m honored.

Connie: If you don’t, know, Clint, you are in for a treat because this man does everything and he does it with such energy and joy. It’s just, it’s such a joy to be around him, so let me give you the bio shpeal first we’ll get that out of the way and then we can move to the great stuff that we really want to get into, but just so you know, he knows what he’s talking about.

He has a degree in speech communication. He is the president and founder of the Center for Employee Retention. He knows all about sales training and management training and yet he speaks to adult and youth and is able to go back and forth between the two with the agility of a cat– a ninja cats and is able to be able to get across really key thought the principles but applying them to everyday life and business, which is just fabulous. He also has his pilot’s license and he’s been oppressed professional drummer for 20 years. Jack of all trades, we can’t wait to hear it.

What we want to talk about today in line with the conference and also with people achieving their dreams is obviously Clint has been an entrepreneurial man for years making these things work. We know that that takes nash, it takes thought, it takes creativity, it takes bouncing back. So that’s what we want to talk about today, especially if you’re listening today and you’re thinking, oh, I want to move forward on that dream. I just am scared. I don’t know how. Then we’re going to talk to him about how he’s made his way becoming a speaker and also a big name in business. So lit to get us started. How did you keep them decide or want to get into the speaking business? It can be a little daunting. Let’s just be honest. So what is it that led you to be into this?

Clint:Yeah, I’ll be honest. When I was growing up, I never wanted to be a speaker. That was like I grew up saying like, I just want to be a professional speaker.

Connie:  I dream.

Clint: I wanted to, I want it to be a pilot and I had an eye disease when I was younger. That kind of took that dream of being a helicopter pilot and flying professionally and, and kind of put it to the side cause I couldn’t, I couldn’t do that anymore. Um, I actually, I spoke in church when I was a senior in high school and there was a guy that owned a leadership consulting company that heard me speak and he came up to me after and he said, hey, I want you to come and speak at a leadership conference in Saint George, Utah with a bunch of other high school kids, and I said, uh, no thanks.

I said, um, I was like, I have no desire. I was in high school. I have no desire to go speak to other high school students. I said, I’m okay. I appreciate you asking, but I’m good. He said, “I’ll pay you 500 bucks.”

Connie: The teenage money talk.

Clint: I was like, um, what day? Uh, when do you need me? Yes, I am, I’m in. And so I actually, I went down and I did it. I put together this little workshop, I had been, uh, you know, a drummer for a long time and I put together a workshop, it was called The Beat of the Drum and it involved buckets and drumsticks and still has a, a part of a workshop that I do still to this day. And I loved it. I had so much fun. I felt like I was doing something bigger than myself. I felt like that was the first time in my young life where I felt like I added value.

And, uh, but then, uh, what was interesting is I had six other schools that came up to me after this leadership conference and they said, we want you to come speak at our school, and I didn’t even know that that was a thing. Like I didn’t know you could do that as a job. I didn’t know people got paid to talk. And, uh, so I ended up doing that and I went and did those six schools and kind of, that was the beginning of me starting to kind of craft a message and, uh, long story, short word of mouth and it kind of trickled and traveled into other engagements and other people talked and a speaking bureau found out about me, and it just, that’s how it all began.

And I really cut my teeth, in my opinion, in, in front of the hardest audience that there is on the planet, and that is high school students. They will, I call it the lion’s cage. They will eat you alive if you, if you don’t get really good at captivating and engaging and telling stories and the entertainment value. So it taught me really quickly how to, how to be a, you know, a decent speaker, how to engage an audience and, and that’s, that’s kind of where it all started for me.

Connie: I love that and I know exactly what you’re saying, finding that audience and how that audience can grow you up. I’ve spoken to youth and I love that they, they really are, –take no prisoners — and the beautiful thing that I can see about what you would offer specifically besides being so engaging is the authenticity and so I meet different women when they’re talking to me about I want to do this, I want to do that, and I, one thing I feel strongly is to encourage them to do is to always be themselves, their best selves themselves.

How the, how did you retain that? How do you keep that as you’re talking to adults, talking to youth, how do you keep the authenticity factor because that’s really your voice? That’s really part of your message is who you are and what you’ve been through, so what would you recommend to others and being able to keep, keep offering that authenticity. They’re going to get a lot of expert opinions, a lot of advice along the way. You seem like you’ve been able to retain that, build on it, expand on who you are and brought that to your message and made that part of your message. What would you recommend to others? Trying to do the same thing.

Clint:

I think you have to really think about, you know what? Who am I? What am I passionate about? What you know, and you have to look at it too is, is the speaking world. If someone’s listening to this and they’re like, I want to be a speaker, I want to jump into this world. I get quite a few phone calls on a weekly basis of people that want to do this and there are things that you have to consider and yes, still being authentic but then also having a message that offers value. If you’re a speaker and you want to do this as a, as a career or if you want to be paid to speak, you have to have a message that offers some sort of value. Whether you’re solving a problem, whether you’re, you’re setting the tone for an event, you’re the expert on something.

There’s kind of three different reasons why speakers get hired.

Uh, one, you are a celebrity in some way, shape or form. You’re an incredible blogger. You’ve done, you’ve got some celebrity factor, some following that you sell seats, you fill seats, you’ve got that celebrity name.

The other reason that speakers get hired is you are an expert in some way, shape or form in some facet of your topic. You’re an expert at that. You’ve written a book on it, you’ve done some research, you, whatever that is that that, that people would go, man, when it comes to this topic, that’s your person. That’s, that’s, that’s one reason the speakers get hired.

And then the third option is, is you have some story, some something that you’ve done that is captivating. Um, also, I would throw in this, you’re entertaining but maybe you juggle, maybe you breathe fire, maybe you play the guitar, maybe you, you’ve done something, you do something epic or you’ve done something epic that people would want to hear about.

People would want to listen to that and then you have to formulate, kay, if you’re one of those three things and then formulate a message that usually solves a problem. Speakers that, that go in and speak. We are professional problem solvers. When that we get hired to go in and plan solve problems or to an enlightened people in a way that they go, okay, this is the tools, this sparks the idea to, to live a better life, to start a better business, to uh, streamline our productivity in our corporation.

Whatever it may be. You have to think in that mindset because people are paying you a good amount of money for that time, for that expertise, whatever it is that you offer. But then within that, yeah, you have to find your authentic self, your voice and I think that’s the secret sauce, right? Is when you’re able to do all of those things but still be you. It’s, it’s captivating, it’s, it’s inspiring and that’s why people bring in speakers.

Connie: Love it and I think that’s the part of that is the fulfillment for people pursuing it. When you are yourself and you’ve expanded and become, and you’re clear on your message and you’ve shared it and they’ve received it, it’s magic. And so it is that I’m fulfilling my purpose kind of a feel. So I love this. I love how you started off as I like to call it, the unexpected shifts where you’re not planning on it, you’re going in a different direction and boom, you know the doors start opening this way.

What have, as you’ve gone through these different doors opening, what’s pick the biggest surprise to you since then? You come in, you started crafting your message, you started getting traction. What’s been the biggest surprise to you coming, going into the speaking industry that you maybe didn’t prepare for or that pleasant or otherwise that you did prepare for, that you kinda wish you would’ve known it was a surprise for you?

Clint:

I think the first one that comes to mind is how much of a need there is. Like we live in a world right now. The, I think there has never been a better time for speakers. Uh, there are a lot of life events. There is it, we are in a world of content and content creators and people are, I think more than ever, they’re in that entrepreneurial mindset of creating your own business, doing your own thing. Like with the Internet and what we have through social media and these channels that technology has brought us has really transformed how people are thinking and behaving and they want that knowledge more than ever. The people are wanting to learn more about self-development and change and productivity and we earn a world of information.

And so, uh, that was shocking to me when I made first began is how, how many events there are every year in just the United States, like literally thousands of events, thousands of conferences. Every business will do some sort of a training. I, there’s just, there’s a lot of it, there’s a big need, but there’s also a need for great speakers. So that was very shocking to me. The other thing I would say, uh, is it is, it is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Connie: What is it that hard about it? When people just kind of go, oh, well you just get up there and you speak. What, what is it that’s difficult or that makes it feel like, oh, this is a challenge?

Clint:You will earn. If you, if you embark in this endeavor, in this career, you will earn a degree in marketing. You will a degree in writing, you will earn a degree in social media. You will earn a degree in advertising, you will earn a degree in communication. You will– like literally like you own your own business. Like we like from, from the taxes to the contracts to the negotiation to the flights to the, I mean the, the speaking like, like actual time on stage is like 10% of this business. Um, there’s so much more that goes into all of this. I mean the design, the website, videography, how you tell a story, how you market to people. You might be the greatest speaker in the world with the greatest message, but if nobody knows that the, you’re probably not going to get booked. Right? Uh, so the, the there’s just all of the logistics that go into getting you onto the stage and keeping you on stage.

Um, a lot of people have said, you know, speaking, it’s a high paying, glorified manual labor job. And then it’s kind of true. It’s kind of true when you think about it. We go from event to event to event. It’s an, and you, if you learn there’s a, there’s a whole ‘nother business side to how do you, how do you make the most of each of it? You know, do you have a book? Do you have a course? Do you have other things that you can sell that you can–cause if not, you know, you’re just, you, you eat what you kill. Um, and, and for some people in their speaking business that works great. Uh, other people, they built out a system that they can really monetize and maximize the influence and the, you know, their time is spent at every event they go to. So there’s just, there’s so much to it. There’s, so the, the, the, I liked that. I liked that. There’s no cap, there’s no limit. It really is what you want to create, but there’s so many options on how to do that.

Connie: And so many different directions and I love that you bring up the point that you really need to have that entrepreneurial spirit. And to me it’s kind of a catch 22 because any entrepreneurial thing you do, you have to learn how to speak. You have to learn how to present yourself and your message. And so it’s, it’s kind of a combination thing where if you’re going to emphasize one or the other, emphasize the business side, but use the speaking emphasizes speaking, but you’re going to need the business side with, with all of that in play.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve seen a shift in the speaking industry where instead of just stand and deliver, it is now interactive. It is now content weaving. It is now, how can I make your event like the best event? I don’t just come and get my check and go, so what, what are some of the pros that you see maybe some of the cons of that, that someone may need to be aware of it. They’re going to go into this kind of a field, or even, even utilize speaking in whatever it is that they want to do. What, what can they do as far as having this new mindset of, this isn’t just full notes and speak, but what are you going to do with that?

Clint:

Yeah, because I think because of the growth that we’ve, we’ve, we’ve, we’ve seen now more than ever, I talked to so many people in they’re, oh yeah, I’m a speaker, I’m a coach, or yeah, I’m a, I’m a, I’m a, I’m a life skills guy. Yeah. I mentor. Like I feel like so many people do that now and, and yes, it’s a great industry. Yes. It’s, it’s a big need right now. But because of that, you, it’s, it’s somewhat oversaturated. There’s a lot of people that claim themselves as speakers or that are wanting to do this, but there– So you have to remember that and you have to realize that when somebody’s looking at you for an event, they’re probably looking at, at six other people as well. And you have to think about what distinguishes me from them.

So say you’re, you’re, you’re the content expert on social media or how to build your Instagram following. There are thousands of speakers that do the same thing. The speak about the same thing. So you have to ask yourself, how can I deliver a better experience? That’s what it’s about. Like speakers are getting hired now, the ones that are really staying busy. You deliver an experience. You take your people on a journey, whether that’s through entertainment, humor, uh, something that you do on stage, something that you offer, something that you can do in your PowerPoint presentation, how you engage with the audience. It really is a show. It’s, it’s about performance as much as it as it is about content.

Now you’re going to find people that just do content and you’re gonna find people that just do the performance that I feel like this –You, you, you have to have both, right? You want to provide the value, but you also need to provide the entertainment. You need to engage with the audience. The most people are buying and paying for speakers because they want to bring an experience for their people, for their corporation, for their event. And so if you get really good at doing that, it really sets you apart amongst the sea of all the other speakers that are out.

Connie: Yeah, red ocean, blue ocean. That’s exactly right. And I think that’s an important conversation for anyone to have with their soul. How is it that I’m different? What kind of experience am I promoting or saying? This is what this is what I’m offering. So that, yeah, you can get clear and they can be clear that when they’re planning a conference, they go, oh, this person that she’s providing this or he’s providing this experience. That’s what we want for our conference, and I think that is so spot on.

So what, how did you develop the things that kind of set you apart? What were some of the things that came to mind for you? That, and you don’t want to, you know, give away any awesome spoiler alerts here that you know for what you do. But is there anything, I know with your professional drumming, I love the concept that you just use what you have and I love that you used what you had when you were first asked to go into that very first speaking assignment that you didn’t intend that you had this drumming, and so you build on the drumming. How have you taken what you already have and differentiated yourself with that? Because that’s such a skill for most anybody listening they need to do.

Clint: Yeah. And I think, and I want to also talk about Connie, cause there might be some people that are listening to this and they just might, you know, they might be feeling like, well forget it. Like I don’t juggle, I don’t do magic. I, I haven’t a climb Mount Everest with no legs. I, I there’s no way I could do this and that’s not true.

The number one marketing tool for any speaker, any speaker is to have a great speech. Like to be a good speaker, have a great speech, and, and, and for me, I put a lot of time upfront in, in doing that and putting together a speech and it, and it really didn’t even have anything to do with the drums. I didn’t have anything to do with like the wow or what I was wearing on stage.

It was, man, he’s great at telling stories. He’s created taking us on a journey. He’s got great content. The speech flowed, he ended right on time. He like, so there’s so much more to like think about through this process and, and again like there’s great, there are great people in this industry that are always willing to help and I think that every person is one success story away from a caring somebody.

We need other people in our lives to help us. And if you’re wanting to do this, I would go and reach out to two or three other people that are doing it that are doing this industry, doing this career in a way that you see yourself doing it. My Dad always taught me growing up. He said, Clint, if you want to get good at basketball, you got to hang out by the hoop and it’s the same way for speaking. It’s the same way for business. It’s the same way for you want to learn how to sew or knit? Go hang out with people that someone net, right? Watch videos and watch tutorials. Look at trainings, invest in yourself and I created early on what I call my board of directors, people in my life that I wanted to be like, people that I go, man, I like myself best when I’m with them.

Those are people that are doing what I want to do and they’re doing it the way I want to do it. And you are 24 hours away from anybody in this world. If you’re listening to this podcast, remember that, you’re 24 hours away from every anybody and it’s amazing, especially when you’re starting, I call it the rocky story that you know we love the Rocky movies. You love those motivational movies, Rudy. It’s the underdog story.

It’s about somebody that probably didn’t have much of a chance or some of them that didn’t think that they could do it or someone that was trying to achieve something great that most people couldn’t do, and when we look at this speaking world or any endeavor in life that’s worth doing, usually it feels like that upfront. But people love the Rocky Story because I think that they relate to that within that Rocky Story. Everybody, I was there once. I still am, I, you, I, you got to stay in rookie mode. I still am trying to figure this out. And when I was young and when I was starting, I just simply went as someone who is opening, open and willing to learn. And I went to my board of directors and I said, will you help me? Will you, will you give me some time? I’ve got three questions. Are you like, and again, I was 24 hours away from anybody in the world and I went to the top. I went to the best people I knew. Um, and I found out a lot of who those people were through the NSA association.

Connie:

I wast just going to say, I think this is a great resource for anyone listening. Our local chapter of the National Speakers Association, it is great. It’s already set up. You look them up on their website, their national website. You can find your local chapter, go to their meetings. There’s usually meetings every month and they have this group of people exactly that you’re talking about from all different levels, all different walks of life, all different different genres that they’re speaking on and everybody comes together and learns the nitty gritty of how to be a speaker and you’re exactly spot on. When you spend more time and you’ve learned those skills, you’re naturally going to get better and have better direction of where you want to go. So you found that to be the case and you say even as you’re going and you are in a beautiful place now of established speaking experience and yet you’re still using that. Isn’t that a core piece of continually to up level that?

Clint:

Yeah, 100% again, it’s all about that association with, with people that are doing what you want to do. And one other thing I would throw in there, Connie, is that when you reach out to these people, cause again it takes, it’s the teamwork to make the dream work. You have to find other people to associate yourself with, great mentors, right? You need, you need those people. You can not do this industry. You can’t do life without the support of others, period. And so when those people pour into you, when those people give you their time, when those people help you and they, you know– gratitude, gratitude, gratitude, gratitude has done more for me in this industry than anything else. Uh, I called the power of, of the Jamba Juice gift card. I have sent out Connie, so many Jamba Juice gift cards, that Jamba juice is still in business. I swear over the gift cards.

And if anybody, seriously, kind of, if anybody gave me five minutes when I was young and I would, I would go to events or conferences or these meetings and I’m just at lunch, I’d say, “Hey, can I get five minutes of your time? Can I ask you a few questions? Can I–“anybody did that? I always got their business card. I always got their email and I told them thank you. I would, I would intentionally like send them something that was, it’s gotta be a win-win. Think if you’re jumping into this industry with your clients, with your audience, with your mentors, it has to be a win, win, win, win or no deal. If you don’t have that mentality, then you’re just, you’re not going to last in this industry and it was amazing that just through a simple gift card, you know, I didn’t have a ton of money at the time.

I was still trying to like build this industry and build a business and a website and be like, it costs a lot of money and $25 you know, it was a lot of money to give to somebody, but I’ll tell you what, I have gained way more in the, in the information, the time that what they’ve been able to expedite for me in my career by just simply saying thank you and how that opened doors. Like I have never paid for coaching. I have never paid for someone to walk me through this industry. I’ve just simply been teachable and taking the time to really say thank you in the most sincere way possible, and Man, that still works to this day. And I think we have that attitude most you’re willing to help people, especially when you’re the Rocky Story, especially when you’re just beginning in this industry. People remember that and they’re willing to help. So reach out.

Connie:

I love that. Oh, and you are just flowing, I swear. Yeah. As I’m writing down a little note to the side of, I want to, I want to talk about this. I want to talk about that. You just started talking about it! It’s exactly what they need to hear. It’s so, so good. For those of you that were just got a few more minutes with Clint Pulver and I just wanna remind who I’m talking with and he is our emcee for are You Got This Women Interfaith Conference and we are again and we are so thrilled to have him back in. I love, love what he’s been talking about and I’ll summarize it in just a moment, but I love this whole idea of if I could just go back for a second.

When you do talk to these experts, when you are talking to these people, I love that you said you had three questions. Like I love this. I do have be scrappy, but be specific. Recognize that these people are busy and don’t waste their time. Let’s see that you have researched, you’ve done your homework and you’re not just flying off the hand off the cuff and saying, Oh, I’ve got you. So I’m going to just take your time. So I love that you make that clear. You do your part and the doors will open and you thank them for whatever they’ve given you. I love, love that.

Clint: Yup. Yup. It matters, it really does.

Connie: 

So in kind of the last few minutes that we have together, I would love to know if there’s a funny moment or a memorable moment, something that I’m sure it’s hard to even go back through all that file drawer of all the wonderful experiences you’ve had. But is there a moment that was a memorable one, whether it was for, because it was humorous or it was really hard or whatever, but a moment that you’re like, you know, this was pretty defining for me, whether it was you were starting out or you were, I’m going to go ahead and keep going. You know, you always get to that point where like, am I still in? Am I still doing this? Has there been a moment that’s been either really funny or just really memorable for you that’s helped you keep moving forward?

Clint: Yeah, I think so. Two things. One’s a funny one and one was a scary, a very difficult situation. Uh, so the, the scary, difficult situation was I was speaking in an arena in front of 3000 people and arenas are, are, are exciting. That’s fun. You know, there’s lots of people, but the sound is always difficult. It’s very hard, and we did a sound check, um, before the event, you always do a sound check. But then when I got up on stage. 3000 people, huge corporate client, um, and, and there was a substantial paycheck behind the presentation. So it’s a big deal its a lot of stress. You’ve been paid a lot of money. You got to perform, you’ve got it. That’s your job. And I got up there and both of the monitors, the main monitors onstage went out.

Connie: Oh No.

Clint: And so I could literally for, I was onstage for an hour and a half. I literally could not hear myself for an hour and a half. And it was one of those moments where as a speaker I had to internally go my brain and I had to just, I had to, it was the most, I think I’ve ever been focused in my life. And I could not, I mean, I would say something and it would, [reverberating sounds] and you’re in a cement arena where everything’s bouncing off the walls. They could hear great, the huge speakers out in front of me, like they could hear every word clearly, but I could not hear myself. And it was a complete disaster. It worked. It worked, but it was so horrifying.

But I learned that like, that’s the moment where you, you got to buckle down and you just push and you just go. And that’s why it’s really good to have a good speech and it’s really good to rehearse and it’s really good, that’s why preparation putting in the time before. So when stuff hits like that, or there’s a distraction, or there’s a heckler in the, in the crowd, or the lights go out, or the mic does or whatever, like you’ve gotta be prepared for those moments. So that was, uh, it was probably the most terrifying and probably the hardest Keynote I’ve ever given thus far.

Connie: My stomach is like, that’s like being shot at outer space with nothing. And you’re like, I, okay. Aw, that’s all I can say is, oh.

Clint: Yeah, it was a crazy extent. One of the funniest moments was I gave a whole keynote, uh, for 60 minutes and my fly was down the whole time. [Laughing] That was amazing. It was. Yeah. And I got off the stage and I was like, man, I killed it. That was so awesome and the event planners came up and she said, well, you were so great. And she said, just so you know, uh, your flies down and a check’s in the mail. Like, it was like, oh my gosh.

Connie: Did they invite you back?

Clint: No, no, they didn’t. No, no, it was [gurbled overlapped] but it was, you know, it. Yeah, it was, oh my gosh. I could not believe it. The whole team, the whole keynote, just, here we are.

Connie: You know what don’t you feel though? Everybody has to have what I call the big fail. I mean, you gotta have the things that keep humble that keep you aware. It’s, you’ve got to have him and no one gets out of them. And I think I caught him on a closing. I think it’s important. I love that you have talked to the people listening because it’s easy to listen to someone who is at the space that somebody else wants to be in and oh, one I could never do that or to oh he just, it’s him is, it’s a tall, magical because it’s him. Of course it works for him.

And I love that you have put this in layman’s terms of it taking the open door, it’s opening the door, it’s preparation, it’s doing your homework, it’s knowing what you want and going for it.

It’s all those basic pieces you hear over and over and it follows. It will follow you, so I love, I love, I love, I just want to kind of recap a couple of things.

I love the unexpected shifts and you use that you had and then you crafted your message and you said you’ve got to be one kind of a speaker. You got to be an expert or celebrity done something unusual or solve a problem that you can choose one of those and then find your niche, differentiate and then get out there. Be with the people who do this, so that you can rub shoulders and be falling into and creating those opportunities that will move you forward. Is that about right?

Clint:

100% Yep. And you fail your way to success. Remember that you fail your way to success and little by little makes a little a lot and if you just stay consistent you’ll do it. Anybody can.

Connie: Love! I don’t know about you but I feel like doing a cheer. Wooh. To find you to book you Clint. Where do they go?

Clint: They can go check out the website. It’s just Clintpulver.com love and there’s a fabulous video on there if you haven’t seen it, about one of the stories that he loves to tell and his kind of genesis of, of what got him going. So, so fabulous. Clint, thank you so much for spending your time with us today. Completely inspiring and so informational and educational. I know women out there listening, if they haven’t wanted to be a speaker, they will now so fantastic and very quickly. If you haven’t gotten your, You Got This Women Interfaith Conference Tickets, get them today. Yougotthiswomen [e-n] .com get them now.

Grab your sister, your aunt, your mother, and get down there or more of this amazingness. You are going to have the experience of a lifetime. Clint, thank you so much for being with us today.

Clint:You’re so welcome. Thank you, Connie.

Connie: Thank you everybody and remember you got this.

(31:06)

Hi, I’m Connie Sokol and thanks for listening today to Balance reDefined. Don’t forget to rate and subscribe and if you liked it, get even more life shifting learning with my Facebook where you get more life hacks, experts, community and connection. Join us and add your voice today at facebook.com/socalconnie.

The post Your Message Your Way – Tips for Taking Your Craft to the Next Level while Maintaining Authenticity appeared first on Connie Sokol.

Overcoming the Second Guess Syndrome

Balance reDefined Radio Episode 56

Overcoming the Second Guess Syndrome

(The following is the transcript of the podcast.)

[00:00] Hi, I’m Connie Sokol, a national speaker, bestselling author, program founder, and mother of seven and loving it. I’m reaching and teaching 1 million listeners to live a purposeful, organized, and joyful life. You can too. So let’s go.

[00:16] Welcome back to Balance reDefined. It’s Connie Sokol and I am so happy to have you back for great things to help you in your life, for more purpose, organization, and joy, that’s what we do here!

[00:29] So today I’m talking about overcoming that second guess syndrome. Every experience that you’re moving forward, you finally got the motivation and the can do to do the thing you want to do and you’re feeling it. You’re like, okay, I’m really going to do it this time, and then the second guess syndrome hits and you suddenly go..Is this right? Am I wrong? Oh No. Things aren’t starting to work out just so maybe this isn’t the right thing for me to do. Maybe this is not the right person. Maybe it’s not the right situation. Maybe it’s not the right timing, and you start second guessing yourself, whatever it might be, a person’s situation or an experience.

[01:07] Have you been there? If not, you will be because we all experience the Second Guess Syndrome and even the best of the best people that I know that are very certain and sure of themselves, they experienced the same thing and I will tell you right off the bat, that’s a good thing. That’s a very good thing because what that tells me is it keeps us supple. It keeps us going to God or whatever your divine influence is.

[01:31] It keeps us going back to double check that we’re just not so prideful that we’re like, I know exactly what I’m doing and too bad for you. Everybody move out of the way. Knocking out old ladies and walkers and all of that, like I’m on it. Instead of that there is this healthy bit of double checking. I’m going to talk about that in just a second.

[01:50] So I want you to know first and foremost that there is actually a positive to this., so it’s not a failing. I don’t believe from the people that I’ve met in all the years of 20 years that I’ve been teaching. I don’t see it as a failing, but it is a failing if it keeps you from your quality of life, if it keeps you from doing the things you know you want and need to be doing, and if it keeps you from feeling the joy and the certainty of being in the flow when you know that that’s what you’re supposed to be doing, when you know that you’re on the right path.

[02:21] So often we sort of circumvent our own joy and we cut it short because we’re so busy. Second guessing if this is what we’re actually supposed to do now I find that this is more of a problem with women than it is more so with men and studies back that up, that men tend to feel more certain about what they’re doing, gotta to translate a little bit more of that pride.Maybe? In a good way, in a good way of that — No, no, no. I’m totally sure, think not asking for directions. I know exactly where we’re going, so I don’t need to ask for directions. That kind of thing. Were a woman is more likely to say, you know, let’s just stop and check.

[02:57] Now I will say there is a on both sides. It’s great for someone to feel generally certain about where they’re going and that’s wonderful. And there’s a positive too. Like I said, that double checking, but it can be a negative for women too. Where we can constantly second guess ourselves, even in something so simple as directions. Have you ever done that? I’ve known where I’m going. Then I go, well maybe not. I better check, and it’s so annoying. I don’t, I don’t like when I’m second guessing what I know in my soul is right.

[03:24] And so I’ve tried to work more on being able to just know in my soul those signs and those feelings of “this feels right even if my mind isn’t sure, my soul is certain” and that’s what I want to get to today with all of us. So the first point that I want to make besides the overview of this is a positive thing. So let’s work with it.

[03:48] The first point I want to make is your soul already knows. I believe that your soul already knows if something is right or not for you. I believe our soul is already five steps down the road at least and already, is clear about what’s going to be helpful for us and what isn’t and that’s why when we talk about going with your gut, doing that gut check that some people call it the Holy Spirit. Some people call it your sixth sense, some people call it your gut, whatever you’re going to call it, I feel that it’s the spirit telling me things, the Holy Spirit, but sometimes it’s a gut feeling. Sometimes it’s the Holy Spirit. Sometimes it’s just a mix. But sometimes I know for myself most of the time I am really listening for that still small voice that tells me, yeah, this is right and I feel like it’s confirming what I, my soul is telling me I want to do, cause I’m kind of checking it. Is this right? Right.

[04:37] But my soul already knows my soul is smarter than my brain. My brain’s trying to keep up. This is called in really fancy trendy terms. It’s called hot cognition. And this hot cognition means that your, the different parts of your brain have different awareness levels and timing and so your brain already knows this to be right already knows to be, to be the thing you want to do is, is really that primal brain. It already knows from a wanting place, but it’s not, it hasn’t reasoned through it yet has an analyzed it yet with that neocortex that hasn’t really gotten through all the details of this is why you should do this, it just knows you just feel in your soul. And in this sort of core place, I know what it is that I need to do. So consider that in terms of hot cognition, you know what it is you need to do now it’s just getting everything else on board, your mind, your body, getting everything else on board with what you know is right for you.

[05:35] So the second thing is what I mentioned kind of alluded to before is that recognize the healthy hesitation. This healthy hesitation is so good. It makes us do a quick reassessment to make sure that we haven’t missed something. Now, you know, you see a dress on sale and you’re like hot cognition, I want that, but it’s so good and it’s Calvin Klein and it’s on sale and it’s a great price and I want that. Now you know you’re going to have that little healthy hesitation of do I need it, do I love it, do I want it? And once you’ve gone through those, then you’d go, okay, yeah, this is a sure thing, right? You want to add in a little bit of that analytics. But the healthy hesitation is a good thing.

[06:17] Now we probably want to get to a place where we can go through that process as quickly as possible. You don’t want to be dancing around something forever. You don’t want to be hopping between two branches, and especially when there’s a time constraint that’s real. You need to meet that time constraint. Now, you know marketing is going to try to get you with gimmicks. It’s closing now and it’s, you know, 24 hours only and blah blah blah, blah, blah. So you’ve really got to have a presence of mind and that’s why that healthy hesitation is a good thing where they say, don’t purchase anything that you’ve seen right there, leave your credit card at home or put it in ice or whatever.

[06:51] But the reality is we’re going to have to make real time decisions very quickly and so that healthy hesitation is a good thing. I would ask you sort of as a qualifier, if you’re looking at that and you’re saying, if I knew it was good for me and I couldn’t fail in doing it, that I would be completely successful in doing it. Would I do it? That’s a good thing to ask. That helps you with that hesitation. It’s a good thing to ask because sometimes the hesitation is just that lack of self confidence. Sometimes it’s, I know I want to do this, I know I need to do this, but I’m just scared to do it and that’s what we’re can talk about in two seconds. But first just ask yourself those questions.

[07:29] The other thing of that healthy hesitation is, I love what Ronald A. Rasband says. He says, “if you are living good and you are doing your best to do right, then nine times out of 10 your first impression is going to be the right impression.”

[07:44] Isn’t that beautiful? So if you’re trying to live a good life and you’re trying to do your best at doing good things, then your first impression will nine times out of 10 be the right thing to do. So you can get quicker and quicker about following that gut prompting or that spiritual prompting whenever you want to call it, your going to have a better chance of knowing yep, that’s right thing to do and you’ll get really familiar with the way that feels for you when it really sits right. It’s not just you saying, oh, that dress, but you really can feel in your soul, this is the right thing for me to do.

[08:16] No matter what pushback I get, I feel like this is the right thing to do and that piece will come with that feeling of I’m going down the right path and it doesn’t matter that there’s obstacles in my way. I feel like I can overcome them and it’s all gonna work out. That’s the feeling we want to hold on to.

[08:32] The third thing is you’re going to feel fear. That’s just the bottom line. Anything that’s worth doing is fear and excitement mixed, right? So it’s just gonna it’s gonna happen. So don’t worry about that. But what we want to do with that fears, we want to name it, and I remember the acronym F-E-A-R that’s from Kevin Worthen, it’s F.E.A.R., false evidence appearing real, and so it’s that acronym and you can consider it that way. It feels really real, very real in the moment.

[09:01] So you need to name the fear, you need to name exactly what that fear is, and as you name it, as you get very clear about the fear, you name it, then it suddenly shrinks and it becomes more doable. You can do something with it. It minimizes, it goes back to its regular place instead of being magnified in your mind, which is what we don’t want to have happen, and this just happened to me recently, you know, I teach this stuff over 20 years. You’d be thinking, okay Connie, you probably should have this down and in a certain sense, you know when you been teaching it for long enough, you kind of do in a sense, but it’s always a new door because you’re always upleveling. So it’s going to come at you in a different way. So I was releasing a new program and it was for how to be an influential writer, speaker and media personality and the way that it came about was very organic and unexpected.

[09:52] I’ve been wanting to do this for years and making notes and all of these things, but the way the timing and all of it that came about was unexpected. So there you go. Has great opportunity for fear because not all every jot and tittle is done, right. Not every piece is put in its place, and so that’s where you’re going to have a lot more of those fears that come up. And so here I was, I was doing just an initial feeling it out, launched just saying, Hey, what do you guys think? So I wasn’t even launching the program, just saying, “Hey, what’s the interest level?” And I was scared to death about this and I was feeling really good about it one day and then the next day it was like, have you ever felt this?

[10:27] It was just this frightened rumble of what’s wrong. And I feel go between wanting to cry and wanting to eat donuts and what’s going on with me. And I couldn’t figure it out and it just was, it was like this little rumble that just kept going and going and going all day. And finally by the evening I just couldn’t stand it and I thought I need to call my coach. And so I have a coach and I called her, she’s my coaching director and I call her cause she’s so fabulous. And I said, I am so sorry, I’m calling you as a friend now I really need to have some help getting through this. I need to figure out what this thing is telling me because I know in my mind this is good. What I’m moving forward on is good, I’ve already gotten that confirmation, I know this is right and it’s good, but this fear is so real.

[11:10] And I, I actually talked myself through it because I’ve been teaching this so long I could actually sort of self diagnosed and I got to tell you because of the tools that I use, I diagnosed it in about five or six minutes. I was able to start talking through it. I figured out what it was. I figured out what I need to do. I knew the exact route and I knew how to combat it.

[11:27] It was pretty, pretty amazing. I have to tell you, it was a really stellar experience because I took what would maybe take three or four days. Um, you know, usually if we’re not aware and we don’t have tools, I condensed it down to this five or six minutes and you’re just kind of going through this very quickly knowing what you need to do next and it was wonderful once identified what it was, I knew what I need to do, then I put it in play and that’s what I did.

[11:51] I put out the interest, I had incredible interest. I already had people purchasing the program before I had even launched it. It was, it was unreal, and I, I was so shocked and I thought, what a blessing that I did not give into that fear and shrink back and not hold back because of the what could be’s, what if’s. Instead I was able to move forward by naming that fear and putting it in its place and then combating it with an actual positive to do and taking a step in that right direction. And that’s the last point, is to take the step. When you know that what you’re doing is good, when, when it’s your best guests, right?

[12:33] When you have your best guest, that you’re doing what you know is right in your soul and you’re moving forward on it and you’re now just having the second guess moment, then go with it. Step the next step. Just keep moving forward on that purpose path, and as you do that, it will become clear if this is something you should really pay attention to or if it’s just push back, just push back and all you have to do is push it right back.

[13:01] All you have to do is push back harder. You do it in a way that says, no, I’m not listening, I know what’s real and I’m moving forward on that. That’s what you need to do. You just step through it because that’s how you’re going to be able to get to that other side. You’re going to be able to get past that second guess syndrome and that’s what we want to do.

[13:20] We don’t want to dwell on it. We don’t want to stay there. We don’t want to be sitting in this second guess sort of cess pool. We don’t want to be in this flux and limbo. We want to move forward and we want to see results. We want to break through and get to that next side. That’s what we’re after. So step through it, and it’s such a joy because when you do that, more than likely you’re doing something good for yourself and to benefit the lives of others that you don’t even realize or maybe want to do, but don’t know if it will.

[13:51] So I hope you can feel some of this, um, excitement and goodness about how to overcome the second guess syndrome. Remember, it’s a good thing. It’s a good thing. It’s not that we want to have this happen all the time, but when it comes, don’t, don’t be afraid of it.

[14:05] It’s a good thing because it means that you’re, you’re staying humble, you’re staying supple. It’s okay. You’re just checking, right? You’re not going to doubt. You’re just checking. Think of it in those terms.

[14:15] So the number one thing you want to do is remember that your soul already knows. Your soul already knows. Get that confirmation from the spirit or from the divine influence that you use, but just your soul already knows what it wants. And I would say even more than likely, the path has already been prepared. I find that so often God has already prepared the path, I just need a walk it so just know your soul already knows that’s hot cognition. That’s a little bit trendy title for that.

[14:40] And the second thing is recognize that healthy hesitation, it makes us take that moment to reassess. Is it right? Is that what we need? Is that what we want? If I knew I could be completely successful with it, would I move through what it is that I’m second guessing myself about?

[14:56] So just consider that and then name the fear. You’re going to feel the fear with the excitement. That’s okay, but name the fear. What is it? What specifically is it that’s keeping you from moving forward?

[15:08] And lastly, step into it. Just step into it and through it, and as you do the stepping, you’re going to see the results. You’re going to feel the joy, you’re going to feel the peace. You’re going to be on that other side. And that’s what we want alright.

[15:21] Hopefully you got some great stuff out of this today, a little quick boost when you’re just running around and meet that uplift and need to think about life in a little different way and get over some of those obstacles and barriers.

[15:32] Again, if you want more of this good juicy stuff than subscribe my podcast so you get the notifications. I do two new a week. So you get wonderful updated, great stuff right at your fingertips. And if you want anything more, my programs, if you want my free challenges, if you want my books, I have bestselling books that are just really useful for you moving forward and even fiction. Yes, I write fiction for fun, that Clean Romance read. If you just want that fun little thing and you can close it up at night with a happy smile on your face. Oh, that’s just the best.

[16:02] So you can go to Conniesokol.com, that’s s-o-k-o-l.com and you can check out everything there. My latest and greatest and you can get my newsletter and get a free book just for signing up because I want you to get started. T

[16:14] ake a step and move through it. That’s what I want you to do. So Conniesokol.com. Love Ya, Join me. So happy to have you connect with me today, friends, and you can get more by simply clicking on the next one and remember, make this year the year you get Balanced, reDefined.

The post Overcoming the Second Guess Syndrome appeared first on Connie Sokol.

Ready for an Abundance Day? Feel the Power!

Balance reDefined Radio Episode 55

Ready for an Abundance Day? Feel the Power!

(The following is the transcript of the podcast.)

[00:00]Hi, I’m Connie Sokol, a national speaker, bestselling author, program founder, and mother of seven and loving it. I’m reaching and teaching 1 million listeners to live a purposeful, organized, and joyful life. You can too. So let’s go.

[00:16]Welcome back to Balance reDefined. I’m Connie Sokol, your host, your happy host who is so thrilled to have you back for more great stuff. Today I am talking about an abundance date. Have you had one recently? Have you thought about what? Do you even know what one is?

[00:34] We are going to talk about all of those things because abundance is such a fabulous and quite to be honest, it’s a very hot topic. It is so on point now and I think this is because so many people are feeling such a lack of abundant, joyful happiness in their lives right now. Even though we are one of the richest countries in the world, we have most everything at our disposal.

[01:00] When you consider the basics, I mean how many people do you see that don’t have a cell phone? Even when they are saying, wow, I really don’t have very much of my life. We really have so much at our fingertips and yet so many people that I meet kind of walk with their head down kind of feel and I don’t have enough and I don’t feel that joy. I don’t feel the daily happiness and I’m trying to capture it, but I can’t find it. Have you felt those feelings before?

[01:28] If you thought that then stayed tuned because I have a joyful experience I want to share with you and actually in the sharing of the experience, I want to share the points that I want to make about the experience. Okay. So this happened recently and it was just so unexpected. I went to go tape my usual TV segment and I go downtown and I was planning on doing lunch with someone afterwards and then their schedule just last minute got cancelled and just said, oh, “I have to do this and I’m going to have to switch this”.

[01:58] And I’m so sorry. So I found myself with a little chunk of time because I was going to a later meeting and I had this little chunk of time and my first thought, I dunno if you’re like me, my first thought was productivity. I am going to get so much done. I’ve got this extra time. I do not have children with me. I don’t have any other responsibilities. Nobody thinks I’m available. I’ve got this time that I can actually get more done. Anybody else like that?

[02:24] It’s a very sad thing because it’s wonderful to be productive, but when life gives you this opportunity, then you take it as an opportunity and that’s the feeling thought that I had. You know, I talk about that, of those feeling thoughts and that I felt like God was saying, “Connie, I’m giving you a gift. Just take it”.

[02:45] How often do we shove the gift aside? No, no, no, no. Gotta be productive. No, no, no. Gotta be pragmatic. But I didn’t it. I didn’t shove it aside. I just said, okay, all right. I’m accepting the gift. What now?

[03:00] And it was this moment that was just fabulous of my whole soul opened up and went, Ooh, what do I want to do? And I’m in downtown and I’m usually up in the mountains where we live and, and so it’s, I mean it’s not Jeremiah Johnson, you know, it’s like a nice community, but it’s, you know, I’m not in downtown kind of atmosphere and I have, I don’t know about you, but I have this love-fear your relationship with the downtown, whatever downtown I go to. I just, I feel this excitement and the energy, oh my goodness. I remember when I first went to go visit New York and I came up off of that subway. Came up and there was, I think it was the New York Times building. It’s that really tall silvery, and I just, and it was at night and that just the streets were pulsing with energy.

[03:46] I had never felt anything like that before. It was just thrilling. Just, Ooh, what made you walk different? Kind of that thing did the thing. And so I was like, wow, this is like downtown! Right? So my downtown is not like New York, but it still has that feel of the site skyscrapers and that feel of, there’s all this kind of excitement and unknown and so for me who likes a little bit more predictability and all of that, I like my same duvet. I like my same rhythms, I like the same routes that I drive, all of those things. So I’m not one to be like wonderlust of like let’s be spontaneous today.

[04:22] I’m working on that. I’m working on branching out and really kind of doing that Ying Yang thing of you kind of balance it out? Balanced the force. So anyway, back to the matter. So I just, the first thing I had to do I realized was I had to choose to take the gift. And then the second was to face my fears and embrace them and lean into them and, and really sit with them. Not stress about I don’t know where I’m going or what if I go down a wrong street and where would that take me? But instead, I mean being wise, but still just saying, I am going to explore and that’s — I’m going on an adventure, like the Hobbit, right? Just this feeling of, okay, I’ve got this opportunity. What am I going to do with it? So, so I did and I was really proud of myself not going in the predictable mode but saying, well what can I do?

[05:11] And so the first thing that came to mind was I am hungry, which I was. And so I thought, well, I’ll just go through a drive-thru and maybe I’ll go hit a bookstore. That sounds really fun cause I haven’t been to a bookstore in months and months and I love a bookstore and more about that in a minute. But I thought about, Oh, I’m hungry. And then I went, no, no, no, not going through a drive through for a salad. I’m going to go to some cool little nook and some awesome little dive that’s got great reviews and I never get to go to, and so I looked up this one place and it was, had great reviews, had fun pictures. Oh, do I love tech nowadays, but all these fun pictures and Ooh, they highly recommended the strawberry walnut salad and that sounded so yum.

[05:51] So I did, I went, I put it on and I was like, go and do nothing, you know, with the Google. Okay. Right. Not exactly Sacagawea but hey, okay, my version. So I went and actually pass by it because it was such a small hole in the wall, but I doubled back, went in and you know, there’s all these different kinds of people and all these and it’s really eclectic and funky and it was so fun. So I got the salad and I noticed there wasn’t anything that was really fabulous for dessert, but I thought, you know what? I’m going to be good. I’m going to stay on my thing. I’ll make sure I’m eating healthy, blah, blah, blah. So I decided to get the mushroom bisque.

[06:25] Anybody knows Studio C “bisque–lobster bisque”. I got the mushroom bisque and I thought, I put the little packages next to me in my seat as I’m driving it, it was so, so, so fun. That’s how I started driving. And I think, what do I want to do? And then I went back to the bookstore idea. That sounds really fun. Which bookstore? And then this idea came, I am writing a fiction book with a bookstore as part of the setting, one of the places that the main characters tend to meet, but it’s a really kind of eclectic bookstore. And the idea in my mind was the King’s English Bookstore. And that’s one of our downtown, you know, sort of our nice eclectic indie places and it’s got hardwood floors and it used to be an old home. And so it’s like one of those nooks and crannies and so fun. And Oh, I never get to go there. I hadn’t been there since my friend had her book signing there. She’s a national bestseller. I was like, oh, I haven’t been there in forever.

[07:13] So I head over there and I go in and I start taking pictures for research and this nice woman, elderly woman comes up and says, can I help you? Kind of looking at me like, what are you doing lady? And I thought, oh, she’s probably thinking I’m a weirdo, but hey, it’s an eclectic place. Come on. So I said, you know what, I’m actually taking pictures because I’m writing a book that has this in its setting and I don’t even get to finish my sentence and she goes, oh, I know who you want to talk to. You want to talk to this gentleman about getting your book on consignment. I was like, oh. So she brings this gentleman and I, we started talking and I resolve the concern that hey, I isn’t actually written even though I’ve written other books, I’ve written 17 but I’ve written a couple that are fiction, but this one is still a work in progress, a whip.

[07:54] And he said, oh well when do you think you could have that done? And I hear myself saying by Fall, yeah. And that’s, you know, and like four months, four or five months and I am laughing to myself because I hear myself say this and I’m like, well there you go, Connie. There is your deadline. It’s on. So it was fabulous.

[08:12] Talked to him about putting on consignment and took pictures and, and then I thought, I want to get a book that the kids and I would love to share. And I thought about my girls and I thought, what would be a good one? And I loved the movie. I haven’t read the book, but I loved the movie, the Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. Yeah. Say that three times fast. And I thought, I wonder if they have it. It’s kind of an indie thing.

[08:32] I think. So I checked with her and she was shocked, pretty impressed that I knew the entire title and got it correct. It’s got even browse myself and I think I made brownie points. So anyway, got that and I thought, oh, we can share this would be so fun. So headed over and I thought, I’ve got still a little bit more time because King’s English isn’t the type you sit and type. I thought I want to sit down and just type, right. So I ended up going to Barnes and noble and I walk into the same feeling that I had at King’s English only a little bit different. You walk in and it’s just times like a hundred because all of that book smell. Do you know what I’m talking about? There’s just the book smell and then the refreshments smell from the little cafe and all of those yummy smells and couches and and oh there’s feelings of people and oh, it was just joyful.

[09:17] And I found one of the last stuffed chairs pulped myself down nice and cozy and settled in and oh, time flew like that! It was just heaven, heaven, heaven, heaven. So finished with that. And I have to tell you, I am a backing up at, before I went to Barnes and noble, I was like, I’m driving along and I’m thinking, what else would I like to do in this time? And I went French Bakery. That’s right, because throw it out the window about being low carbs a day. People, it’s an adventure.

[09:47] Adventures do not have low carb treats. So I said, where’s the French Bakery? Looked it up on my tools, found this fabulous well-reviewed bakery walked in and it was one of those, you just want to sit there all day, you can almost hear an accordion playing, right? It’s got all the breads on the wall and it’s got these, this whole counter case of all kinds of delicious patisserie that just, Oh, I was salivating and you might be right now, but the, the chocolate almond croissants and then this dusted powdered sugar dusted brownie that’s cut just so, and it’s thick and not too sweet and this pecan little sticky bun that was just to die for.

[10:31] I mean really, it was just beautiful to look at. So beautiful for my eyes and so sumptuous for my taste buds. So anyway, I thought, oh my kids love that and that and that and I would love that and that. And that’s why I got a box of a bunch of different ones and then owing to our usual family custom after Barnes Noble, I of course tasted and sampled every single one of them because that’s what a good mother does. So I sampled all of them. Oh, it was so good. I feel badly because usually our stuff has just totally mutilated because we all like to have little bits.

[11:02] So much better as little bits. So anyway, enjoyed my patisserie, enjoyed the Barnes and noble and now it was time to go to my meeting and I have to tell you the sheer joy and abundance, this feeling of all things are possible. All things are beautiful and delectable and oh, life is worth living and is bounteous and worth doing and sharing this feeling just was erupting from my soul.

[11:31] All from a couple of hours of just letting loose in a really positive way of just enjoying what life has to offer and all the good stuff. There was no after hangover, there was no after things to pay off except for maybe some of that Patisserie, but I only had little sample bits, so I felt really good, did yoga later. It was all good, cancels it out, but it was just this joy. It was sheer joy and my soul and my body just ate it up figuratively and literally, it just was beautiful.

[12:04] And I walked into my meeting and it was a meeting of some really some notable people in this speaking and that I was doing my kind of speaking meeting and speaking world and I just walked in heading, you know, back to that whole New York Times building moment. I walked in with that total feeling of Dang, Dang, like I am here people and I am abundant like just flowing with it. What do you need? Cause I got it. That’s how it felt. It was just joyful.

[12:35] So working backwards, I want you to remember some of the key steps that I had to just see him. Do you remember him? So the first one, if you can recall from this whole wonderful experience, it didn’t take very long, but was just, I’m still reaping the benefits. What did you see as the steps?

[12:51] The first thing, if you recall, is I had to choose the gift. I had to choose it. I had to see it and embrace it and take it and say, Yup, this is the gift. I’m going to have it. I’m going to receive it. So I had to choose the gift and receive it.

[13:03] The second thing is what? I had to be brave. I had to face my fears and I had to be brave. I had to just, some people would be like, well, what are you talking about making a brave decision. It was brave for me. Everybody’s decisions are different as far as level of bravery and it was brave for me, so I had to choose to be brave.

[13:19] The next step was that I used tools, I used information, I used tools, I use my head to be able to have it be a smooth experience, you know, so many of my friends will say, wow, we said let’s just try this road on our road trip and guess what? It was a dead end and it was awful and road construction and it was the worst. I did not want to waste my time on that. Now that’s fine. If you’re totally in the mood for it and you don’t care, you got five days to like totally do whatever. But I didn’t have that much time and I really wanted a great experience. So use the tech and be able to do a better, a better chance of making good decisions for me to really enjoy that time.

[13:57] And the last thing was sharing the joy, just sharing it all the way along. I went back through that experience. I thought, why was that so sustaining? Cause you know sometimes you just eat a crepe and it’s just a crepe right? But I was like, oh, because that ability to share it all along the way, what did so and so want? What would they like?

[14:14] And it wasn’t that I didn’t know who I was and I couldn’t figure out what made me happy. It was that I did know what I wanted and I did make myself happy and it made me want to share the experience. What would my kids love? What would my friend love, which she loved to read that book. What would my, the people that I’m going to meet at the speaking thing, what would they love to hear? Or what would they love to sample? You know, those kinds of things. Those are what really help sustain that feeling of abundance and joy.

[14:41] So that was my abundance day, people and I just want you to know if you’re feeling like, wow, today’s a little gloomy, it’s a little regular, it’s a little time to get up and make the donuts, you know that kind of a day and you’re feeling it.

[14:56] Like I just have that vision of, do you remember the original Incredibles movie that tells you how old I am? When I remember the original coming out, but when he’s sitting in the, the office, the cubicle, and he’s just like, it’s the insurance cubicle and he looks pale and gray and he’s got all this paperwork stacked around and everything is gray, the cubicle is gray, everything’s grey and it’s just stamping papers and you can just feel, feel the heaviness and the yeeeh of it. And that’s what I’m talking about. If you’re feeling that well you can shift it, create an abundance day, and if you don’t have a whole day, then just do a couple of hours like I did because you know what? The aftereffects made it an entire abundance date and you will feel those positive aftershocks of it. But if you don’t have that than doing abundance hour, and if you don’t have an hour, then do abundance 15 minutes where you just do whatever you would like that would bring abundance and a feeling of joy.

[15:49] Just do that and then see what happens. Watch the magic that it works in your life and in the lives of others. I promise you it’s real. They’re going to happen for you. All right, so I give you this challenge. Take the abundance challenge, do it, do it sometime today and for some period of time and even as just one joyful thing that you do one abundant minded thing that you do.

[16:11] Then do that and as always, if you want more great podcasts, subscribe to my podcast so you can get the notifications on new ones. I do two new ones a week and I love, love, love to hear your feedback. If you want to have a certain topic that you’d love for me to share about, feel free to let me know and also any other scoops you want, Conniesokol.com that’s s as in Sam -o-k-o-l.com go check it out.

[16:35] I’ve got my newsletter and you can get a free book when you sign up for my newsletter. It’s so, so, so fun and you get the latest updates: you find out what my TV segments and all the other stuff that I’m doing, my speaking events and all the goodies and my new courses that I’m offering.

[16:49] In fact, offering a brand new one on how to be an influential writer, speaker and media personality, so, so, so fun. Oh my gosh, I love my other courses. I have my six week and my 12 week helping you get Work-Life Balance, helping you to get Six Core Habits, but I gotta tell ya, this one is such a sweet spot for me because it’s really that mastermind of helping you move forward. Write that book, be that speaker, and be that influential media personality, social, so fun. Anyway, any of those things. My free masterclass is, you just check it out, Conniesokol.com

[17:19] Any questions? You just let me know there as always, you can find me on every major social media. Connect with me. I want to hear, I want to connect with you. That’s my happy place. Besides my wonderful little family, that’s my happy spot. So check it out and as always, make this your year to get Balanced, reDefined.

The post Ready for an Abundance Day? Feel the Power! appeared first on Connie Sokol.

Ten Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Went Out into the Real World by Maria Shriver

Balance reDefined Radio Episode 54

Book Bite Ten Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Went Out into the Real World by Maria Shriver

(The following is the transcript of the podcast.)

[00:00] Hi, I’m Connie Sokol, a national speaker, bestselling author, program founder, and mother of seven and loving it. I’m reaching and teaching 1 million listeners to live a purposeful, organized and joyful life. You can too. So let’s go.

[00:16] Welcome back to Balance reDefined. It’s Connie Sokol and thanks for joining me again for wonderful things. And today I have a fabulous book that is for the book bites and it is hysterical. It’s an older one and it is one of my favorites. It’s Maria Shriver’s 10 things I wish I’d Known Before I Went Out Into the Real World, and it is actually an expanded version of her acclaimed commencement address for the College of Holy Cross and it is fabulous. She goes through with such candor and wisdom and just her voice. It’s fantastic. So I’m just going to share with you a couple of little gems, but believe me, there’s many, many more in there.

[00:57] So the first one, you know I like to jump right in. The first one she says is be willing to fail. And we know that to our toes, right? But sometimes you know it in your brain, but you don’t really agree with it in your heart. You think, yeah, yeah, I get that, but that’s for other people because I can’t fail on this, right or you don’t start something because you’re so afraid you’re going to fail and it’s going to be humiliating and it’s going to cost time and energy and money and all of those things, but it is a package deal in life. It just is, and especially if you’re trying to move forward on something that matters most to you and is really one of those passion, purpose things, you’re going to fail in some part of it, in some fashion.

[01:35] But I love this, she talks about, she finally got this job to be the co-anchor of the CBS morning news and she said that was thrilling at the time to get equal billing and equal compensation with the co-anchor, which at the time it was Forrest Sawyer. She was thinking, I am on my way. This was like being a member of the elite club of women anchoring the national morning shows. I mean this was like she has hit the big time.

[02:03] So here they were and they were doing their thing and it was going great. And then income, the reviews, and she was saying, I’m trying not to pay attention to them, but how can I not when the following is in the Washington Post and here it is:

[02:18] “Forrest Sawyer is partnered on the program with Maria Shriver’s hair. Shriver doesn’t look as if she cares about anything, to the answers, to any questions except where’s my brush? She sucks in her cheeks and deflates her face looking a little like one of those cartoon characters who got slipped, a dose of alum.”

[02:34] She says, all righty, it’s going to be personal hair reviews. This is what we’re up against. Oh, and she said it was like going down a churning Whitewater river on a tiny little raft. But that was the ride that she had set out for and it was great, but she said at that time and during this experience, she said it was crazy how it affected her because there were three different executive producers and there were three different agendas, three different concepts for how to fix the show, and then every time they turned around they wanted to change them. Have you been there before?

[03:10] So they were like, “your hair’s too long, cut It. It’s too distracting. You should be blond.” “Your eyes are too there.” “You’re just too much in the morning “and getting all of that really “constructive” feedback.

[03:21] So here she’s going at it, she’s given it everything she’s got and she’s getting turned around every two minutes of “you should do it this way, you should do it that way.” Ever been there? I have. And especially when you don’t know yet, you don’t have that sure footing of who you are because you know enough to know you’re not an expert in what you’re doing. So you are listening to these “experts”, so-called, and you are thinking that they know better than you do. Have you had that? And it’s going back to trusting your gut.

[03:52] So meanwhile she’s going through this experience and I can totally relate to this. In fact, I talked to a friend of mine, I do TV and I was talking to a gal that I know and she does a different channel and I had a chance to talk with her and it was wonderful.

[04:04] I said, “tell me what are some of the difficulties that you have being on TV and she said, “you know, I get the viewer stuff all the time. I am working my heart out and I’m getting things like, your earrings are awful. Did you get an a wind storm this morning? Your hair’s terrible.” That’s what she’s getting. And I could totally relate.

[04:23] When I’m doing my segments, I am pouring my heart out. This a hard one. Learning of books I’ve read and trying it in my family and working things in my life and, and oh the experiences and I’ve liked bearing my soul and then I get a thing of, hey, really cute dress, where’d you get that? Now I love a good dress, don’t get me wrong. And I want to ask people the same thing, but it would have been so lovely to say or hear really, really loved that segment.

[04:48] I was touched by it and where’d you get your dress? Right. But no, and so it’s not like they have to love me, but it was like respect that I put out all of that energy and didn’t just see the dress. So anyway, turns out as they’re going along. They did the, covered the royal wedding between Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson. They did amazing. They had excellent live interviews. They came back from London. Everybody was congratulating them on such a great job. And then later on in the afternoon by fax, you can see how old this is, by fax they find out that their show is canceled. Can you get over that? They find out by fax that would be like text today. “Hey, awesome job in London covering that was amazing with stellar. It was incredible and your show’s canceled.” Unbelievable. Like seriously unbelievable.

[05:35] However, you’ve probably had that experience. So they are told they’re cancelled and in essence they just look at each other and say, game on. So this is what she says about it.

[05:46] She says, “for me, getting canned made me fearless about my career. It gave me the strength to follow my gut, to be myself on the job. In fact, I think I did of my best work on the morning news after we got canceled, she said we had just one final month on the air and during that month I didn’t care about anything that the powers that be had to say about my work or what we were doing. I was free to be me on the air and I felt great about it. If Forrest and I were interested in an interview subject, then we interviewed together. It was a no no on the show, but we didn’t care if an interview went great, we let it run. Over time we were more natural and we ad libbed more and we heard from plenty of people who couldn’t understand why the show was being nuked. Neither could we.”

[06:32] I love that learning. Can you hear that? It made her fearless. Maybe, maybe in your current job, your current situation, the current relationship, occurrence, thing that you’re dealing with an issue. Maybe it’s not about you living in fear. Maybe it’s about being fearless. Maybe it’s about saying, you know what? If this is going to tank, it’s going to tank. I’m going to be fearless about making this work. I’m going to do what my soul says I need to do to make this successful. I’m just going to go with it. In fact, you know as I’m saying this, I can’t even believe this. This is happening to me right here in real time. There is something I have been wondering about of me, an aspect of what I’m doing to pursue, and this is exactly for me.

[07:15] I need to do this to move forward. Fearless in that aspect of if I want this to succeed, I’m going to go with my gut in the way that I think I need to do it without wondering and asking those so called experts. Wow. I hope you got something because I got something. Whoa. Okay. I’m feeling good.

[07:35] All right, so moving on. What I loved is this helped her to live brave, to be brave, to do the brave thing. The other thing that I love is that she learned that it was okay to be kindly naive. She talks in here about those executives. You know when things would come out and say, oh Maria Shriver’s not expected to last long on the show. She would go to them and say, where did they get this? We’re doing great. I’m not planning going anywhere and the executives, she said, acted keyword being acted like they didn’t know what it was, and she said, I learned for myself, people can lie to your face, and it shocked her. I’ve had the same experience. Have you? It has absolutely shocked me and more than once that, especially the person that is lying to me, but the fact that someone has lied to me, to my face just absolutely crazy, but these are the things that we learned, right?

[08:26] And this is all about growing up and growing into ourselves and it’s all part of the package deal. I love this last thing that she says. She puts a little lesson at the end of each chapter and she says,

[08:38] “Before I failed, my work was the focus of my life. It’s where I put all my intensity, intelligence and effort. Never again will I make that mistake experiencing how suddenly I could lose my job, how quickly I could be replaced, how easily the workplace went on without me, made me determined to quit identifying myself through my career. Today, my work is a big and fulfilling part of my life, but it’s not who I am.”

[09:02] That is so true. And I learned that for myself and in fact, in an opposite way, that being married and then ultimately divorcing after 25 years, which was just heartbreaking. But I learned that while I had had occasion, many, many occasions for me to receive the response of being suppressed in the things that I felt that I really was my calling and I really needed to be doing, you know, albeit at being very balanced and doing it with my left toe.

[09:33] But I was so grateful at that moment when I turned around and looked back on those 25 years that I did not, not do those things that I did not give up speaking to women and sharing good and insightful things that help them live their lives happier. I did not not write books that I did not give it up, that I did it at three in the morning and four in the morning while my kids were sleeping and it was worth every sacrifice because I would have regretted. I would have not been able to respect myself had I given up that key piece of who I was simply because somebody else told me to. So it’s something to consider.

[10:13] The second lesson that she teaches his children do change your career and they do. My career, if you can call it a career, is motherhood. I love being a mom and I’m mom and ____. I also have four other careers, if you want to call them that. I call them passions and purposes. They’re these beautiful things that I know and feel compelled to do.

[10:35] I speak, I write, I’m a best selling author and I’m a national speaker and I’m a media personality and a program founder. I do all of those things and I don’t do them all the time and I don’t do them all at the same time, and I do a lot of them with my left toe and with really great help. But I still feel compelled to do these things. But my kids come first. My family comes first in my family, always has come first. I would parcel out the little bit of energy that I had, I would streamline my life and I talk about that, organize my life so I could, I could save 26 hours a week and I used that time to be able to do the things that I needed to do without interrupting family life and making it a positive so that my kids would be involved in a positive way in that as well and others who chose to be a part of that.

[11:20] So children do change your life and your career. She said, but one of the best is stories that she shares in here is that she is going to interview Fidel Castro, right? Communist leader, he’s since passed on, but she talks about getting this interview. It was the biggest deal, the executive producers, everybody had worked super hard on this. They get there, they get ready for the interview and he sick. Can’t do it. Next Day, wait around and he’s still sick. Finally he comes in and says, “I am not going to be able to do this until Saturday”, — I think it was — “I’m just not doing well”. And she said in the back of her mind, she is freaking out because it’s her daughter’s first day of preschool and she’s like, I can’t not not be there in her mind.

[11:59] Right. But here’s the interview with Fidel Castro, right? And she’s like, oh. So he says to them, I could do it Saturday morning, and she blurts out, I can’t. I’ve got to take my daughter to preschool. It’s her first day. And she said, my boss kicks me under the table and then has me go outside and says, “Are you nuts? Do you know what it’s taken to make this happen?”

[12:21] And she’s like, just say I know, but I got to be there. So long story short, they come back in and they talk with them and she tells him the reason why. And he basically, he pauses and then he says, well, can we do it then Tuesday? And she said, perfect, sounds great. So they end up actually doing it the next Saturday and all was well. She said it was actually one of those fascinating interviews that she had ever done and all as well.

[12:49] And interesting side note, she said when she met back with Fidel Castro and the first thing that he asked her was, “how was your daughter’s first day of school” showing that dictators can actually be pretty smooth. So anyway, I thought that was fabulous. And she said that’s what she has stuck to his, those things in her soul that she knows is right to do, and I have had that same experience.

[13:13] In fact, all the way along, probably almost to an nth degree. I have made what I do has to be family first. But you know what? I am reaping the benefits because, because I had to make it family first for my soul and also pressure that I got, but for my soul first I got so organized and I use my time more effectively and efficiently than most anybody else that I knew at the time.

[13:38] So I could get more done in three hours than most people could seriously do in three or four days, and I’m not joking here. And that’s because I also had divine help. You know how that Einstein time principal, it can expand time and all of those things and God can make the way? Well, that’s exactly what happened. I mean, I could literally do five hours of work and an hour, maybe hour and a half and it was good that it was crazy awesome. But that’s because when you go value based first, you really do see the miracles and that’s what we’re looking for, right? We know we can’t do all this on our own. We’re looking for those miracles to help us through and that’s why I still have a family first policy. My core team, my support team, the coaches, we all do family first and this is how we roll.

[14:22] We use several applications. We do the box, we do the Marco Polo, we do text, and we work it. As we’re doing carpool as we’re doing, going to the science fair, we check in, we send stuff, we delegate, we send it from our phone, we go hit the restroom and we’d send something that needs to be sent. We do whatever it takes so that it doesn’t take over our lives.

[14:42] We want to have that time and focus on our family and that’s a beautiful thing. No regrets. That’s what I’m looking for because I know what she talked about as much as I feel that what I do in helping women and families is my calling and I’ll be doing this to my last breath, it still does not take precedence over my core family. So I love that point.

[15:04] And the last thing that she talks about is you need to develop yourself and your life continually.

[15:12] She says, “Do not look to your spouse. Do not look to others to create or do your life for you because it’s up to you to develop and create that life.”

[15:22] It’s you who’s going to stand at the end? She doesn’t say this, but I’m paraphrasing. It’s you. There’s going to stand at the end of that life and turn around and say, what do I think about this? Is this the life that I wanted? Is this the life I wanted to live? Is this a life of meaning and purpose? She says, um, she starts the book off with the question, what do you want to be when you grow up?

[15:41] And she said, you know, “I had really wish I’d known there isn’t just one answer to the question. What do you want to be when you grow up? Because it turns out I grew up to be a hard driving career woman in my twenties, a wife and mother and my thirties and all that, plus an author in my forties. I’m grateful I’ve gotten in touch with the part of us that’s teachable and renewable, fresh and growing. We can reinvent ourselves and find a whole new world out there or a whole new world within ourselves over and over again.”

[16:11] I love that. Sometimes I talk with women, they feel like, oh, it’s too late for me. Oh my kids are grown. There’s nothing left for me to do. Or Oh no, I have lots of little kids. It’s just not my time right now. And I say to them, you are always a woman. So make the time, whether it’s five minutes, 15 minutes, whatever you need to do in a given day, acknowledge your self. Acknowledge who you are. In the scriptures it says, love your neighbor as yourself. Would you ignore your neighbor? Would you never talk to them? Would you never validate who they are and the joys and the successes that you want for them?

[16:46] No.

[16:47] If you are being a good neighbor, that’s exactly what you would do, and that’s what you are to do for yourself. So I invite you today to learn from this wonderful book, Maria Shriver. It’s 10 Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Went Out into the Real World. It is a keeper. I have dog eared, I put sticky notes, I’ve underlined. No one gets to borrow it because I’ve got personal notes in there. It’s one of those kinds of books and I know even though it’s a little bit older, it is timeless. It is great. Great stuff.

[17:15] Hopefully you enjoyed and got something great out of this today. Comment below if you did subscribe to more podcasts, if you love this kind of stuff. This is my book bite series, so anytime you see a book bite in the title, that’s exactly what it is.

[17:27] It’s giving you a little taste of what that book has to offer and as always, if you want more of me or content stuff to getting your life and make a difference, go to conniesokol.com that’s s-o-k-o-l.com and as you do, you can get my newsletter for great updates, releases, news content, TV segments, all of that, and you get a free book the first time you signed it can’t be beat and you can also get the latest and greatest on anywhere. I’m going to be the programs that I’m offering, the latest programs that will help you actually make a shift. And it’s been phenomenal what we see with these women. I mean all kinds of women, single moms, regular everyday women, women who are married, women who aren’t women with children, women with only one child, a woman who’s even in a care center and who was making breakthroughs on her personal life plan and out of bed for the first time in years.

[18:18] I mean, we’re talking, it’s amazing. So if you want some change in your life, check it out. Conniesokol.com, got free masterclass as you can check out, get some good stuff while getting to know me a little more before you go. Hmm. I want to take that jump. So as always, remember, make this the year you get Balance reDefined.

[18:35] Hi, I’m Connie Sokol and thanks for listening today to balance redefined. Don’t forget to rate and subscribe and if you liked it, get even more Life Shifting learning with my Instagram page where you get the deep thoughts, fun facts, daily inspiration, and private moments. Join me today at socal_Connie.

The post Ten Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Went Out into the Real World by Maria Shriver appeared first on Connie Sokol.

What Losing My Wallet Taught Me

Balance reDefined Radio Podcast Episode 53

What Losing My Wallet Taught Me

(The following is the transcript of the podcast.)

 

[00:00] Hi, I’m Connie Sokol, a national speaker, bestselling author, program founder and mother of seven and loving it. I’m reaching and teaching 1 million listeners to live a purposeful, organized, and joyful life. You can too, so let’s go.

[00:16] Welcome back to Balance reDefined. I’m Connie Sokol and I have fabulous things to share, so happy. You’re with me again.

[00:22] Gonna a talk today about what I learned losing my wallet? Ever been there? Ever lost something like that — where it’s your wallet, it’s Your Life. Maybe back in the old days, it was the binder, the planner. Do you remember that? Those big chunky planners we used to carry around, or maybe it’s been a credit card or your driver’s license or a piece of information that was really vital?

[00:44] I want you to go back to that for a moment. Go back to that scary feeling. I want you to go back to that for just a minute to appreciate the learning lessons here because I think this will apply heartily to things that you are going through in your own life because it’s the scary situations where you feel out of control.There is nothing more you can do and you still have to deal with the consequences.

[01:09] That’s really what we’re talking about here. And that’s life. So much of life is out of our control in that sense of other people’s decisions, other people doing things, and we are dealing with the fallout and we have so much that we can control, but it doesn’t feel like it when you’re in that moment. So I want to kind of take you back through this anatomy of this experience of how I learned what I learned because it was extremely pivotal. In fact, I could even go so far as to say it was life changing for me.

[01:37] It really shifted and up leveled the way that I went about things. So in the last few days since, all right, so what happened is starting back on a Tuesday, so realized that I had lost my wallet on the Wednesday morning, so it didn’t even know that I’d lost it on the Tuesday, you know how you come back home and you’re all in for the night?

[01:56] Wednesday morning, going to ruck with breakfast with friends, and I’m like, oh my wallet. It’s not in my purse. Turn back around, scour through the house, go, oh it’s probably one of the kids’ cars or something like that. I’ll have to get that when I get back or I’ll have to figure that out. My friend paid for my lunch, I bring a checkbook and don’t realize that, guess what? Nobody takes checks anymore cause I haven’t used them in forever. Had a dust that one off.

[02:20] Anyway, so I realize, wow, there’s no sign of it. I’m saying a prayer because you know I’m a praying woman, I’m praying, I’m saying okay, I’m asking to help me find this wallet. Kind of important. So asking if I can have it and still no sign and the whole day goes through, there’s a holiday going on. Thank goodness I had bought stuff before and I’m like, what do I do with this?

[02:41] You know, how quickly do you start the process of getting all of those documents in place as opposed to, oh, it’s underneath the car seat and you found it, you know, a day later and now you’ve started this whole process and it’s like a, why did I do that? Right?

[02:57] So there’s this dynamic going on of how much inconvenience am I going to have to deal with before I actually deal with it. So I thought, ah, I just kept praying and praying and I thought, I’m going to give it one more day.

[03:09] ‘Kay, I feel the song of Les Mis coming on *One more day…One day more.* Okay. So then Thursday still no sign and I’m like, I’ve got to function here. So I thought first things first, I’ve got to be able to have cash, I’ve got to be able to have money.

[03:25] So I go to the bank and you know, getting a new debit card and all of that can be so frustrating. Well, I go in and the usual gal that I know have been there for 15 years and the usual Gal I know is busy with someone and I only have a few minutes because I’ve got to go run and grab kids. So I go in and I sit down with this lady and I tell her my story. I lost my wallet and she’s looking at me. Yeah.

[03:45] And I was like, she says, “Well, do you have any identification?”

[03:48] And I wanted to say, “did you hear the first sentence that I just said, I lost my wallet.”

[03:54] Everything is in that wallet. My life is in that wallet. And it’s a brick. You can’t miss this thing. It’s a deep burgundy, but it’s a brick. It is about the size of a brick. And I’m not joking and about as thick because even when I clean out the receipts, it’s still a brick. So anyway, my whole life is in there.

[04:09] So I was sitting there and all of a sudden the thought comes to me, I think I have a picture of my driver’s license on my phone. My daughter who is just preparing for a church mission for the Latter Day Saint Church. She had me do some stuff for the paperwork and I took a picture of my driver’s license. And usually I delete that right off the bat. So I scrolling as this woman is looking up some stuff and I’m scrolling like a banshee just go and then boom, it was there.

[04:33] So I go, this is me, I feel a song coming on again, and so I show her my driver’s license is obviously the picture. It looks a lot like me, you know, one of those drivers licenses that actually was close to your real weight and actually looks like you.

[04:47] And I said, this is me. And so she compared the driver’s license number and she kinda stroked her chin and she was like, hmm, went away. And then came back and then I got a card and we’re talking in about seven minutes and she says to me, “you know, we’re not usually allowed to do this. So just making you aware.”

[05:04] Kind of like don’t go spread it around on a podcast. That’s why I’m not going to tell you what the institution was, but bless that woman’s soul. I love her and I may bring her treats just to say thank you, not to seem like a bribe, but anyway, so I got my card in about seven minutes. Now I want to walk back for a second here because as I’m praying on this Wednesday, I’m like, I really got to move on this. I talked to a friend of mine and she says, you know, Connie, I have had experiences like that and I don’t know what you think about this, but I totally believe that if you pray, ask God for help.

[05:36] You know he has angels that can move that wherever it needs to go. She says, that happens to our family all the time.

[05:41] I was like, really?

[05:42] She said, yeah, we lose stuff and then we pray and we find it and I’m telling you, I know that they move it. I went, really? She said, yeah, my daughter was filming and she left the film canister at the place she was filming and so she gets on the bus and she’s driving. She’s like, I forgot that she said a prayer. And she said, literally she got home and the film canister was on her roommate’s desk. No lie. I went, oh wow. Now this isn’t from a friend of a friend or a friend. This is my friend. And I was like, hmm.

[06:07] So wrapping my right mind around that, I thought, I think I could try this.

[06:11] I’m praying, I’m asking, Hey, can I get my wallet back? And if it’s good for me to get it back, would love that. So she got me thinking. So I said, I’m going to shift my prayer because the wall is not showing up. And so I went from “Heavenly Father, can you please give my wallet back if it’s good for me to have it back?” Because you know, sometimes it, the miracle isn’t an answer. In fact, I did a Facebook live on that because sometimes we pray and we don’t get the miracle answer. We just don’t and that’s not for our good. It’s not the betterment. Even though we think that looks like a great answer would be a perfect answer. But that’s not the answer that we need in that moment. And I got that because I’ve had that experience in my life and later on I look back and go, I’m so grateful I did not get the miracle I prayed for because I got a better one later.

[06:55] Have you ever had that? So I’ve had that. So I thought I’m going to switch my prayer and I’m going to say “Heavenly Father, if I can get my wallet back, that’s great, gonna hold faith on that, but if not, I’m going to ask if you could make the way smooth.”

[07:09] So I had this two part thing going, I have faith that you can help me find my wallet and I then added on help thou my unbelief because I’m wrapping my mind around this. I do believe that angels can move stuff. I mean they can do anything right, but for me and in this situation with this really happen, right? It was, it was quite a moment. I mean I’ve been a faith based woman forever and so I’m like, huh. So got that dynamic. And then the other dynamic of but if not just like from the scriptures.

[07:39] Nevertheless I will believe and could you make the way smooth? Can you make the, getting the documents and all that stuff? Can you just, can you help me make it a smooth process? Because right now it feels completely overwhelming. At that moment, I also remembered a devotional I had heard from Sherry Do, who is an author, see a former CEO of Deseret book bookstore and she talked about an experience she had where she was, I think she was out to dinner with friends in a city. I can’t remember. I think that’s what it was. But unusually she left her briefcase in her car while she comes out and it’s been stolen. They are scouring the area, they’re even going dumpster diving. These women, you know in dresses going, dumpster diving and they are trying to find this and they can’t find it. So she starts the laborious process of getting all of those identification things in play.

[08:30] Two weeks later, she gets a call and it’s from her church department and it says, “Hey Sister Do we have a briefcase in some staff here for you? And again, I’m paraphrasing and she says, really? And they said, yeah, it was found at a bar. Been to any bars lately, Sister Do. She’s like, oh noooo. But that’s beautiful. So as I remembered, I thought, you know, it can happen, it may just not happen on my timeframe.

[09:02] So as you can imagine, I don’t want to jump in too fast to getting all of this id stuff replaced, just in case holding that faith. So the next day I’m going in this two pronged approach, praying for my wallet to show up, holding faith for that. If not, can you make the way smooth? And here I go in to get this beautiful credit card and super, super slick, right? So then it’s still not turning up.

[09:28] I mean we have ransack the house several times and we’ve just decluttered last fall. So it’s like it can’t really hide and it’s a brick going through every room, going through all the cars, going through everything. Even went back to places I went to on Tuesday, just in case I thought maybe I had dumped it when I took my daughter and her friend to go to Costa Vida for her friend’s birthday lunch. Maybe I had dumped it accidentally in the garbage can. Even went twice to Costa Vida because I didn’t feel like I got a good answer the first time anyway. I mean really it was intense. Still nothing. So by this time, it’s Friday and I’m like, I cannot show. If I get pulled over, I cannot show to a police officer my driver’s license on my phone. I don’t think they’re going to like that.

[10:07] So I better start this process. I’ll take one more step now I’ve got a whole bunch of cards in my wallet, all these debit cards from all these different business accounts and things like that. And so I’m like, Eh, I don’t want to have to do that. That whole lego movie, Batman moment, I don’t want to do that — right? So I’m like, oh. So then I say a prayer and the thought comes to mind, the driver’s license place is right in a city I have to go to anyway on Friday. It’s right on my way and in fact I have to deposit some things and I’m right there like right there, it’s the second floor of that building. I’m like, ah, all right, I’ll just go and do it. I’m just dreading, it’s going to be this laborious intensive wait in line process and I don’t have a lot of time.

[10:48] So I go in there about eight minutes. I kid you not, I walk into that driver’s license bureau, division, whatever you want to call it. I walk in, there’s no one, no line. I walk in, get her done, take the test thing, like the little eye testing, take the picture, Boom. Out. No joke. I don’t ever remember in my entire life it being like that. So it’s a done deal. Now during this time as I’m driving home, I hear about my neighbor who has many children and she has just gone in the hospital and I’m like, oh wow, okay. I will take your kids, and the younger ones all wanted to come. So I had about four or five kids and I said, bring them over and I will when I’m home then I will take care of them. I’ve got them for the night, don’t you worry about it.

[11:34] So they come over, I go in to go get changed into pajamas, blah, blah, blah, and it’s within about, I kid you not 15 minutes after these kids coming over that my little guy, my little Bryson and comes in and says, mom, mom, you remember that wallet thing? We’ve found it. I am not joking. Talk about angels in person. Turns out the little girl of the kids that I’m watching, she went into my son’s closet that is more of his toy storage that we don’t really, I mean he uses his active toys that are out on his floor and in his cubbies and things like that. It was more of the toy storage and it’s like there’s boxes and there’s tubs and there’s dress ups and things like that and so there’s lots of colors, lots of stuff in there in this deep burgundy thing.

[12:18] She found it in there. I do not even remember going in there. I remember tiding my son’s room, but I don’t remember going in that closet and I certainly don’t remember having my wallet while I was doing that, but there you are and there it was and you know what was cool? Is that the whole time throughout this experience I felt peace. I felt peace. I did not feel stressed. I did not feel super worried. I did not feel like I got to do this right this second. I had felt complete peace and probably what contributed to that was my accounts had not been touched. So I knew it had to be somewhere that was known to us. But I just didn’t know where. And I have to tell you, that piece helped me continue to move forward when I wasn’t sure if I should hold faith for that to show up or if I should move forward on getting my, my new identification.

[13:12] But the whole process of four days, I felt peace. And I even had my daughter on that Friday morning who said, mom, I cannot believe how peaceful you’ve been about this. And another beautiful bonus of this was no matter what the outcome was, I felt so happy to hear her say the next words, which were, “Mom, do you want me to pray and fast for you?” Now in, in our church and in the Bible it talks about fasting. And we believe in that principle that when you want an extra blessing you can fast. Well, we do that once a month. But you know, they’re teenagers. So do you think they’re giddy about fasting, about missing two meals? And then giving the amount of those meals to those who are poor or can’t, um, you know, or hungry or need food and helping them. Do you think that that’s high on their list?

[14:02] Little angsty. When we do that, I’ll tell ya for her, my teenage daughter to say that to me, Mom, “can I pray and fast, you want me to pray and fast for you?” And the day she said this to me was Valentine’s Day. That was the holiday. This is what she said to me. I was like, wow, okay. Whatever happens, win, lose or draw. This was worth it. Because I knew when push came to shove, she had learned some tools that she could go to to find peace and get answers. Uh Wow. So I just want you to know, I’m going to recap the three things that I really learned from this experience. And the first one is what I just shared, which was embrace peace. You’re going to have an experience which will give you license to stress, license to angst, license to tantrum and scream and say, what were you thinking, It will give you justification to do that.

[15:00] And I’m saying, don’t, don’t stay in a peaceful space and as you do that, you will be inspired as to what to do next. There’s nothing you can do about what has happened. It’s all about what you do next. So embrace peace and it made that whole week wonderful and did not ruin the Valentine’s Day and the other things that we were doing during that week, it didn’t ruin any of it. It did not overshadow it. It didn’t take precedence, it didn’t come center and then everybody’s in upheaval. Everybody went about their lives, so embrace peace.

[15:41] The second thing I learned was ask God more than one way. We kind of think if we ask for something and it doesn’t show up well, then either God didn’t listen or he doesn’t want me to have it and it’s done. Conversation is done. How many conversations do you have that go like that?

[15:57] Well, healthy conversations that go like that. If I’m talking to my children about picking up their clothes or doing their chores, I can guarantee I’m having more than one conversation. I guarantee I’m coming at it more than one way to try to help them want to do what they need to do. To help them embrace why to get to that Maslov hierarchy of you want to do it because it’s a good and righteous thing to do and it’s really because you really want to do it. We’re still working on that, right? It takes, takes time. It’s a process, so ask God more than one way. I asked if I could have my wallet back that wasn’t coming so I shifted and said, if I can have that, great. If not, then can you make the reparation smooth? Can you make the new way, the way that I can fix it, smooth and easy for me to do?

[16:43] Now, that doesn’t mean it’s always going to happen and I have totally embraced that, also. I know that God’s got to do what God’s got to do because look at what he’s got to work with. This is about growth people. This life is about growth, so it’s all about up leveling and changing and shifting. Ooh, I know our favorites. We’d really rather just be on the couch binge watching something, right? It’s a good and noble endeavor, but really our soul is wiser than we are and our soul yearns to be up leveled.

[17:13] Our soul knows all the good stuff that is waiting now and in the future and wants us to get off that couch. So ask God more than one way and I promise you as you do that, your relationship with him will shift. And again, whatever your religious belief is, if it’s the universe, if it’s divine influence, I’ve always said to you, just put in what it is for you but it will shift and your faith will increase and your joy will be more.

[17:42] And I promise you that I that those few days I can’t even express to you the and love that I had in my heart. In fact, I awoke that Wednesday morning, I mean Thursday morning that Valentine’s Day and I literally, I felt so much love that I, I just felt like it was going to explode out of me. I was just given treats left and right and hugs and sending lovey texts. Not because I had to, I really felt this bursting out of love and I thought, isn’t that amazing that during this experience I can be feeling that for real. So I promise you that as you follow that kind of emotional, spiritual path, you will feel happier, you will have more joy. It is a better choice. And I just got to remember to keep choosing it when I’m in those moments.

[18:31] And the last thing is to move forward in faith. You know, the wallet was not showing up. Do we sit, do we get into Ben and Jerry’s? Do we go under the covers? Do we, do we just give up? No, we move forward in faith.

[18:46] I got a card and I put a toe out there and said alright if I have to I’ll do it. And then of course I had to do a driver’s license, so I put another toe out there. But I was moving forward in faith and saying, I’m still old enough faith. We’ve got a long holiday weekend this weekend. So I’m home faith that by the end of this weekend I can actually find my wallet. After that, yeah, I’m probably going to have to go full bore and get everything replaced. But I’m holding faith.

[19:11] So move forward in faith and that is both holding faith that you’re going to get the answer you want and moving forward in the thing that is before you, until you get the thing that you truly, really want.

[19:23] Does that make sense? I hope that you’re feeling it. I was feeling it. I’m still feeling it. Reliving it. I’m feeling it again. So this week I remind you, embrace peace, ask God more than one way, and move forward in faith. And if you want more of these yummy tidbits, then I encourage you to subscribe to my podcast and you can get them every week. I do two new ones a week unless life hits the fan. And then you get one people and you’re lucky to get that. So if you could subscribe, that would be fantastic. Comment below, I would love to know if this is helping you or if it’s improving your life in some way or making you feel great, and if you would love to connect with me in other ways with social media, I’m on all major social media and you can also get all the latest scoops, updates, all my TV segment stuff, all my newest release has everything with my weekly newsletter. So you can go on Conniesokol.com get the newsletter, and if you sign up, you get a free book right off the bat.

[20:18] That’s right because I love for you to have lots of good content and get it into your life, into your hands and doing it. I love, love, love it. So Conniesokol.com for everything you need. Meanwhile, you can check out another podcast because remember, make this year, the year you get Balanced reDefined.

[20:36] Hi, I’m Connie Sokol and thanks for listening today to balance redefined. Don’t forget to rate and subscribe and if you liked it, get even more life shifting. Learning with my best selling books on Amazon from humorous to core content, seasonal to spiritual life hacking, nonfiction to fun romance fiction. I have a book for just what you need. So go to Amazon, search Connie Sokol, and check out the show notes for the direct link to guide you there.

The post What Losing My Wallet Taught Me appeared first on Connie Sokol.

Introducing my book: Pride and Persuasion

Gah!!!!! I’m just giddy over this! This book that I’ve been working on for months is now released to you!!! ⁣

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Many of you know that I write non-fiction and self-help books, but did you know that I also write clean romance fiction?! In fact, it’s one of my SOUL-JOYS! ⁣

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Continuing with the Echo Ridge Romance Series, if you enjoyed my Soda Fountain Christmas, you’ll love Pride and Persuasion!⁣

“Leaving her L.A. lifestyle, can Lindy find happiness in a small town while unexpectedly helping an international French author save his career?”

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Right now, you can get the ebook on Amazon! It makes a great gift, and you can easily share this price with your friends!⁣

Click here to purchase it!

 

The post Introducing my book: Pride and Persuasion appeared first on Connie Sokol.

How to Beat the Burnout Vortex

Image courtesy of Studio 5

Women are busy. With all the places you have to go and things you have to do, burnout is inevitable.

In my latest Studio 5 segment, I share how to recognize the warning signs to beat the burnout before you slip too far.

Watch the entire segment below (double-click).

 

 

How to Beat the Burnout Vortex

As women, we often feel like we have to give more, be more, and do more. With so many places to be and things to do, feelings of exhaustion can rise to the surface.

It’s possible to beat this “burnout’s vortex” with early awareness and prevention.

Be Aware of Warning Signs

Look for physical, emotional, and mental signs of burnout.

Physical: always tired, hard time focusing

Emotional: snapping at people, edgy, comparing yourself

Mental: anxious, feelings of despair

On a scale of 1-10 (10 being “I always feel this way” and 1 being “I rarely feel this way”), rate those feelings. If you’re consistently in the 8-10 range, you’re seeing the signs of burnout.

Listen to Your Body

Value your body intelligence. Carve out time to get quiet and ask yourself what your body needs. Deepak Chopra said this: “Intelligence is present everywhere in our bodies…our own inner intelligence is far superior to any we can try to substitute from the outside.” Our body knows what we need, it’s we that are pushing those things aside.

Choose a Purposeful Practice

This can be something so small. Something that you think won’t make a big difference can have a great impact. Take five minutes to lay on your bed and breathe, do a gratitude minute. Stop, take moment, do something intentional to shift what is happening. This leads to peace and good, soul-filling energy.

The post How to Beat the Burnout Vortex appeared first on Connie Sokol.

5 Tips to a Better Work/Life Balance

Balance reDefined Radio Podcast Episode 52

5 Tips to a Better Work/Life Balance

(The following is the transcript of the podcast.)

Connie Sokol: I’m Connie Sokol your host today and so thrilled that you’re taking a minute out of your time to get some great stuff about how to deal with life challenges through faith, family and community and I’m so thrilled today to have Michelle McCullough with us today. Hi Sweetie.

Michelle McCullough: Hi there. Thanks so much for having me.

Connie: We are so happy. She is going to be one of the speakers featured at our You Got This Women! Conference on March 23rd, 2019. If you haven’t gotten your tickets, go to yougotthiswomen.com and get them because they are literally going fast and it’s so early in the game, so go get those tickets. But meanwhile, we want to spotlight a lot of these different speakers so that you get an idea of who they are and what their messages are.

We have so many, about 12 breakout speakers, plus the main stage women and they, each and every one of them, have beautiful and unique facets that they get to share. So you get to have a little sneak peek, feast beforehand.

So today we’re going to talk about women and business and what that looks like when you weave in faith, work-life balance, dealing with obstacles and challenges through that faith. What does that look like? So hold onto your hats.

So,just a little brief introduction, if you don’t know much about Michelle, she is a love, she’s been featured in Fox 13, on Forbes, entrepreneur.com, she’s a Small Business Influencer Award Recipient and also she is a prolific speaker and a marketing genius and on a personal level is one of those women that you wish you could just clone her mind and the way that she’s able to make connections and get how things work, especially on a business side where I think a lot of us as women, we feel like we’re jumping into this arena. We have these new file drawers and she is genius about being able to know how to do this and then teach it to other people.

What we want to focus on today, like I said, is more of that women ask a lot of times, “wow, I’m being…”, and this is a phrase that Michelle coined I believe a few years ago, but it stuck with me because that’s who I heard it from, “Being a mom and _____, being a woman and _____”. When you are a woman, wife, mother, aunt, sister, caregiver, all of those roles.

How do you do that? Like how do we balance that in the sense of, you know, the balance has been kicked to the curb, we know that, but how do you make that work for your own self and your own life and how do you navigate some of the obstacles and the challenges that come that way?

So without further ado, I would love to ask you just your first point. You had been doing business and being a mom and for quite a while now. So what are some of those key life wisdom pearls that you have been able to find and discover to help you create that sort of a, I know that I’ve got this rolling and I feel good about what I’m doing at the end of the day.

What are some of those life tips that you can share?

Michelle: Well, I think that the first life tip I would have is to embrace the chaos and stop expecting things to be perfect. I think that I had this vision when I was a kid about what motherhood and womanhood would look like or feel like and then it ended up being completely different from what it was. But it’s its own beautiful, awesome and amazing thing. You know, when you take your life and you add it with a kid or spouse’s or even boss’s and friend’s and there’s an element of your life that becomes a little bit shared.

And I think that’s the intent or else we all would have been sent to our own little desert islands. But, um, we are here with lots of people and so I think part of that is embracing all of the different pieces that other people bring into our lives and also embracing some of the chaos that comes from not just figuring out what your own needs are, but other people’s needs as well, and how our roles intersect in really big ways.

And so, from there beyond the chaos, I have to figure out how to wrangle it, and that’s an entirely different, completely other story. But for me, I think that what that looks like is being in control of the one thing I can control. And that is my time.

I’m a huge time management junkie and that doesn’t mean that every single day and every single week is perfectly planned and the perfectly timed out, but I’m conscious of the ways that I spend my time and I’m careful about what I say yes to and what I say no to. And I’m mindful that every single day I have an intention rather than just dealing with the things as they are flung at me, but that I am strategic and specific in what I’m taking on what I’m doing and how I’m kind of managing through the day.

Connie: I love that, and I think that is such a key is that being intentional because then we’re actually choosing what we’re doing. We’re not just being, you know, rafted along the river instead of being able to say, “wow, I really wanted this and good, bad, ugly, whatever. I love that I am in on for the ride.”

So how would you like…do you have a suggestion to help women be more intentional about what they are doing? There are so many women I meet that they just are putting out fires all day long. So how can they be more intentional?

Michelle: Well, I think first and foremost, it’s a beginning with…so when I had two little kids running around and I was still trying to have babies and I still was trying to grow my businesses at the same time, there was a fair amount of chaos that came from that on its own level, itt wasn’t like I could really have a schedule that worked because I would say that I was going to work between 10 and 11 when my kids were taking a nap. But then that day they would take a nap at one and so they would just be this thing where I couldn’t control exactly what would happen.

But I remember just setting a feeling word for the day. I would wake up and my feeling word for the day was peace and focus and so I would just choose to be intentional the day with the feeling, not about a to-do list or not about the number of things that we’re getting done or not about the projects that had to happen because sometimes they could, but starting with that kind of intention.

So if you can’t even touch your clock and if you can’t even touch your to-do list and you can even take your time, think about the feelings that you want to bring into that day. But if you can [have a schedule] I’m a huge fan of priorities over to-dos and as you and I both know, balance is not something that can actually ever happen, but I do believe we can be in priority in a given day.

And that doesn’t necessarily mean that it means you’re getting 20 things done or you’re getting two things done, but what are the priorities? What are the things that have to happen?

Yes, I have to take care of my kids. Yes, I have to make sure they’re fed, clothed. The diapers are changed and uh, yes, I have to make sure that I take care of this one project for a client that is my priority and however I’m going to do that is flexible, but the priority is clear. And so I think that, you know, nowadays my kids are in school most of the time and my schedule can be a little bit more specific and planned and rigid, but I think that in any given stage of life that we’re in, we have to give ourselves permission to start first with the feeling, second with the priority, and then get detailed into the planning.

Connie: I love that and I agree. I mean that’s when I talk about redefining balance, that’s what it looks like for you in your life. So the women that are listening, you know, some will have young kids, some will have teenage kids and will have adult children and what that looks like for you, those priorities that you are actually moving forward on, that you are actually attending to those are the things that are going to keep us fulfilled no matter what. Like you said, that list gets done or doesn’t get done by the end of the day, if we have attended to those priorities and we feel that balance, we feel that, oh, okay, I’ve got those fills in those core areas.

So that being said, on the core areas, how is it that you can help, I know what you do a lot with business, how do you stay focused on those things that matter most, because I hear a lot from women and I felt it myself when the kids were really young.

You can start getting in the space of feeling like they’re inconvenience, right? This is an inconvenience, the spouses and it can be, it’s the neighbor that wants you all the time was an inconvenience, you know, and you kind of start getting this mentality of being distanced from those things that matter most and the very things that you wanted in the first place. So how do you stay in that very, what matters most space. And now we just talked about priorities, but how do you, how do you deal that with being able to do it in a in a more whole sort of way of approaching it?

Michelle: Well, I think that to me it’s simplistically said, but then harder to execute that I’m careful with two words and that’s yes and no.

So, and I think that it’s easier said than done when I start a day and say to myself, okay, today I’m going to do X, Y, and Z and anything else that comes in is going to challenge that.

And then I have to determine if I’m going to say yes or if I’m going to say no. And one of my favorite lines that before I was enlightened, if you will just chill. But um, my favorite line when I had little kids at home and I had lots of priorities and lots of community responsibilities and businesses that we would run is I would say at the end of the day, my day was not my own.

Like my husband would say, “how was your day go”?

It’d be like, “oh, my day was not my own”, and that was just kind of like my excuse, like, well, other people needed me or the lady down the street needed me or my sister in law needed me.

And I remember sitting somewhere and having somebody challenge my challenge to that question, and I’m so glad they did because at the end of the day if I’m going to choose to do something for the neighbor down the street, I chose that. And I need to say yes without resentment to both myself and to that person.

And if my sister-in-law called and said, “I’m feeling really sick, I need you to take my four-year-old” and I had plans to do something else, I had to then go back and check my priorities and I either needed to say yes without resentment to her or to myself even, or just saying, “no, I’m sorry, I can’t do that. I already am committed, but maybe I can help you tomorrow or something”.

Now without judgment, whether or not the yes or the no is right. Taking ownership for the yes and the yes and the no is the important part of that. But, um, I think it gets a little bit tricky as women in business and people who run businesses or even people who have hobbies because they feel like if they say family first, it means that they shouldn’t ever have to sacrifice for their business.

I don’t think that’s right either. I think it’s okay for us to say to our kids, I love you and you are my number one priority but right now I have to be focused and I have to take care of this in my business because I’ve made commitments to my clients or commitments to my employees or commitments to something else.

And so it’s okay to say to your kids, I’m sorry I can’t do that right now because I made a commitment somewhere else because then they know that the time will come for them to keep their commitments to other people, not just to them.

And so, you know, I think about my mom who was in a single mother and she had to go to work every single day and sometimes when we were sick she couldn’t drop what she was doing and come and take us to do something else or she couldn’t bring us our paper from home or she couldn’t bring us our homework or our lunch because she had to keep that priority there and that’s okay because she needed to put food on the table she needed to provide for her family.

And whether you’re the sole breadwinner or whether you are a contributing breadwinner or whether you’re just earning a little money on the side, it’s okay to set boundaries with your family. And it’s okay to say no to them or to say yes when it’s understood. But I always feel like part of that is communicating with them both before and after about why that’s important so that they’re learning about it and that they see that as also a priority and that they don’t have to question it because it’s understood.

Connie: I love that. And I love the point that you make of owning it, owning those decisions, those choices. So at the end of the day, you don’t go into this victim mode, but you’re like, I wanted this, I wanted this life, I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to have this business, whatever it might be. And being able to own that, that was the day that you were being your big bold self, like you were being, you know, pulling up your big girl panties, you’re a woman and you’re owning your life.

And I love that. And I loved the second piece that you communicate with your family. I think sometimes we as women forget and we can kind of think they get it by osmosis. And I love that you’re talking about communicating with them.

What are the needs that you have?

What are the priorities that are in place for you?

I know I have different kids that some like physical touch. Some want me to just listen to them. Some just want eyeballs for 10 minutes and then they just want to go do their thing. But I think that communication helps them to be able to understand they are a priority and this is how you’re going to attend to that, but that it doesn’t mean everybody gets equal time and equal space. It’s just, it’s going to be different on any given day and I think kids really respond to that when they know it’s genuine, honest thing. You’ve been honestly and openly communicative with them. I love that.

So if we could segway for just a quick minute, I love all these pieces. I love this. Embrace the chaos and be intentional and I love the feeling word for the day and priorities over to do’s and yes and no, and I love this.

So if we kind of go a little bit of a segway more onto the faith aspect. How has faith helped you in being able to do all of these things? Being able to say yes, no, when you’re exhausted at the end of the day, giving you more energy or you able to say, oh, I know how to parcel this out. I know how to do this today. How has faith helped you be able to move forward in this journey that you’ve had?

Michelle: Well, I’ll say that faith is the center of that for me. Um, and I think that every decision that I make and every choice that I make starts with asking My Heavenly Father and asking God to direct my path and to help me feel like what I’m doing is right.

And so, um, I remember getting a t shirt at an event from a friend of mine and it says, God is my CEO. And I think about that a lot with my businesses. And I think about how would I talk to my Heavenly Father about my business in a way that would help me understand if I’m on the right track or not.

And you know, generally speaking, and I know some people get complete downloads of business plans from a higher power. I have never had that luxury. But what I have had is I have felt a direction. Like if when I move, I can feel whether or not that’s right or wrong.

And so for me, I have had to move first and respond to seconds. And I wish that everything was like a magic eight ball and that God just told me what to do all the time. But it’s not like that.

But when I get an idea and I move forward, I can feel is this the right thing? Yes or no? And then sometimes I have to retract, which is hard, but that for me, I have figured out that I need to move and that the Lord will help pave the path that’s in front of me and that I will be guided and directed to do the things that are right in my business and that also are right in my home at the same time because I’m willing to move forward almost with faith that it’s the right thing.

And sometimes I do get answers before I move forward. Like, no, that’s not right, but generally speaking, for me, I think my faith intersects to help me make sure I know I’m on the right path or to help me make the course course corrections when I’m off.

Connie: I love it. Can you think of a time when you had to exercise a lot of faith before you did something, but it was really, really scary?

Michelle: Well, absolutely. I think I’m expanding my business from just consulting to speaking was pretty scary for me, which is funny because I like to talk all day long and I’m sure that is part of my general path, but it was a lot easier for me to stay on the sidelines of a small consulting business than to put myself completely out there. But I knew it was the right thing and so I had to move forward with that.

But I have to say that I think what has been harder for me is the faith to retract when it wasn’t right and that sometimes I went down a path and I even made commitments in one particular case with a partnership and after it was all said and done and I felt like I had prayed and I had fasted and I had sacrificed to get the answer and I felt like it was right.

Once I moved forward, I knew it was clearly wrong and yet I had already made a commitment and I had already said I was going to move forward, but I knew at that point it wasn’t right. And I do one of two things: either continue on to save face or to retract and save face with God and it was really tricky, but I did it.

Now I think that every time we do something that’s hard, whether it’s the faith to move forward or even the faith to move back, we grow closer to understanding how we work with our higher power, but we also grow, grow closer in trust that I know that he knows I will change when he tells me. And as hard as that is, as long as I trust that I will not be led astray.

And I don’t know why that partnership was wrong. Um, and I, I seriously love this woman. I loved her organization. I like all that she was up to do and it did not make any sense to me except that I knew it was wrong and I was willing to do that.

And the same thing goes with building my business in different ways. I knew it was the right thing to do, even though it was hard, I trusted the path would be clear. And that that’s the kind of communication and the kind of a relationship I want with, with God in every aspect of my life that he knows I’ll move when it’s right. But then I’m also gonna move when, um, I’m going to do my part before he does his.

Connie: I love it. And the fact that you know, in your soul, that confidence that that gives you in being able to move forward because then you don’t have to bounce.

A lot of women feel that they bounced from branch to branch. They just can’t quite get it to go right, you know, and just be like, okay, I’m doing this. And I think that’s a great point, is getting to that place of confidence of being able to say, I’m going to move because I know if it is wrong that I will have the confidence to be able to retract it. And that has just two sides of the same coin. Very important skill. I love that.

So, as far as with this, utilizing your faith, what it sounds like, you know, you’ve made this a beautiful sort of a all hands on deck kind of thing, Heavenly Father and doing this as a mom and how have you worked this with your family? How have you made this so that being in business jives with your family desires and your family life and do they do stuff with you and what, what, how do you make this sort of like, it seems like it’s a family deal. So how do you make that work?

Well that has evolved and changed over the years as well. Um, and there are pieces of my business that my family is involved in, but then there are pieces that are completely separate because I’m trying to protect them. A fair amount of what I do is very public and we’ve had some interesting situations, um, with them as a result of that. So now we are in this careful dance of protecting my kids, but then also continue doing the work that I do. And, but I think what I would say is that at the end of the day, I want my kids to know that what I’m doing matters. And so I involve them a lot and I talk to them a lot and I probably over communicate with them what I do. Um, and that’s part of the nature of me if being a verbose person, but, um,

I want my kids to know that when I leave them because they’ll say things to me like, “mom, why are you leaving me or why are you going to speak to those people? I want you more than they want you”.

And I say, “that might be true, but they may need me more than you want me right now”. And I try to help them understand that as much as they want me, someone else may be able to benefit from what I can offer, what I can give them.

And so I’ll talk to them about what I’m speaking about or what I’m training about or the kind of people that I’m talking to and help them to understand that for the same reasons they don’t want me to go and other people need me to come help them. And I will also talk to them about not just why it’s good for good for the people that I’m speaking to, but also why it’s good for my kids.

Um, you know, my husband has a good job that provides well for our family and we have health insurance and cars and houses, but my income tends to pay for the extras, the things that our family can do that we couldn’t otherwise, um, under our current circumstances.

So I will say my kids, do you like playing soccer or do you like playing basketball or do you like having piano lessons or do you like going on trips with the family? Um, those are some of the things that I helped pay for. And you know, once I finally help my kids understand that I wasn’t just leaving them, that I was providing for them, that that helped them be more supportive of what I do because they understood what it meant to them.

I had to help them understand what that meant then, but I also feel like we do that pretty good as women. Hey, this what I do helps provide for this or provide for that, but we forget to help them see what we do helps the world so that they can see that. And even if you’re somebody who makes hair bows or, um, somebody who goes to work at a, at a restaurant waiting on tables, we can still help our kids understand the benefit that they bring to someone else. Um, not just the benefit that they bring to the family so that they can think about the ways that they want to contribute to the world and help the world as well. And that someday they’ll be out of the house trying to make the same decisions for their family and for themselves.

Connie: And those are great points because seeing that in action and then being able to make those points in real time where it actually helps and matters, they see what that looks like and feels like. I think that’s fabulous. It sounds like you communicate with them so beautifully and help them understand those things where they, instead of just saying, “oh, it’s good, I’ll be back in two hours”. You know, being able to really validate those feelings and those concerns. I love it.

So do you have, this has been so great, I’ve got all these wonderful notes and I know women listening and going to do the same thing, so just the last couple of minutes that we have together before I wrap this up, can you share any personal Aha [moments] that maybe surprised you along the way? Something that you didn’t anticipate in the journey that you’ve taken something that’s been a surprise?

Whether there’s good, bad win, lose or draw, just something that surprised you or you didn’t, you didn’t anticipate would either happen or would be a result of you taking the steps to do marketing and teach people about it and become a speaker. You’re also the Chapter President of the National Speaking Association here in Utah. Is that correct? I have the right title. I just wanna make sure I got the right title, it’s a beautiful title. Um, and is there any thing that’s been like a personal learning thing, Aha, that you hadn’t anticipated?

Michelle: Yes, and it’s two parts.

The first is, is that I think that for a while I thought that because I was a mother, I didn’t deserve to do other things outside of that and that I needed to let what I wanted to do go, for the greater good, which to a certain extent, I believe that a fair amount of motherhood is sacrificing for your children, and I still am happy to do that.

Um, but once I believed for a minute that I had something else to offer to the world, that would be beneficial. And I think about my doctor who I love, who is a woman who was there when I had two crazy csection births and I love her so much and I am so grateful for every comment she endured as a woman. Anytime somebody said to her, why are you going back to school? Why are you being a doctor? That’s a man’s job. And I know that some of this is fairly stereotypical, but stay with me for just a minute through this.

Um, I’m so grateful for her and her and during that because I needed the feminine, that feminine influence in my life at that time and I didn’t know I needed that, but I’m so grateful for it and I’m so grateful for the way that women are showing up to provide feminine influence in many aspects and in some cases where there is an over abundance of masculine influence, which is also necessary and needed and fantastic, but there’s so much more to who we are as women than just one thing, whether it’s even just contributing or to the world or the service or whatever else, there’s so many things we can offer, and I think that we were built to offer many pieces of ourselves to other places.

And so when I allowed myself to believe that and  believe that I could have goals and I wanted to write a book and I wanted to speak and I wanted to grow my business and I wanted to share things in a powerful way and I wanted to share things spiritually and, um, podcasts and other things that have come, come along the way.

One of the things that I think surprised me the most is that the more I got into it, the more I realize that God wanted even more for me than I wanted for myself and I wanted things, but then once I realized that I could grow and expand, I realized that God was just waiting for me to believe it for myself so that he could just show me all the things that he had in store and all the places that he needed me.

And to believe that for a minute I thought I would do this on my own, not without him, but then I would move forward and blaze traills in the ways that I felt like I wanted to, but then the reality was is that with him I was able to do even more than my wildest dreams and I just had to invite him into that and I remember that being a surprise.

And I know that that sounds super simple and of course God who want the most for us, but I think that sometimes we hold ourselves back and we even hold God back and yet when we open it up to what any kind of possibility is, we get so much more than we could have even imagined.

Connie: Oh, I love it. That is so true, and just partnering with him, going to him and saying, here’s what I’m thinking, what do you think? And joining that journey together, rather than head down bull through it, you know, white knuckle through the existence, I think that’s phenomenal, and knowing that he is going to lead you along and has oftentimes already the path and you just need to walk it. Love it.

Michelle, great stuff. For those of you who may have missed some of the things at the beginning. I’m just going to recap super fast ways to be able to have better work life balance and that word we we kind of jokingly use because we know it means everything. Something different to everybody, but that being able to be at peace at the end of the day, knowing that you lived your life in a way that was fulfilling and meaningful, purposeful, joyful.

I love that she shared:

* embrace the chaos and be intentional about your day,

* use a feeling word for the day and use priorities over to dues,

* carefully use your yes-no’s and it all starts with Heavenly Father,

* over communicate with her children; that’s a great one, being able to help them know the why and,

* then those personal aha’s and those unexpected learning pearls that we get along the way that they are there.

So pivotal to us being able to keep in that space of growing, learning, loving and partnering with the Divine. So appreciate you sharing with us today sweetie. Great ideas for being able to deal with different challenges through faith, family, and community. Thanks for being with us today.

Michelle:  Thank you for having me.

Connie: And everybody listening. Remember, whatever your challenge. Come see us at the, You Got This Women Conference March 23rd we have an array of amazing speakers just like Michelle that will give you insights in how to deal with or live challenge through faith, family, and community. You can get your tickets at yougotthiswomen.com and remember You Got This.

Hi, I’m Connie Sokol and thanks for listening today to Balance reDefined. Don’t forget to rate and subscribe and if you liked it, get even more life shifting learning with my YouTube channel, with fabulous, upbeat content on everything from family, relationships, work life balance to organization, joy, and fitness. Get short or long episodes for while you relax, clean, or work out. Go to YouTube and search Connie Sokol.

 

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Dealing with a Life-Draining Person

Balance reDefined Radio Podcast Episode 51

Dealing with a Life-Draining Person

 

(The following is the transcript of the podcast.)

 

I’m talking about dealing with life draining people. Have you experienced that at all? If you’ve lived on the planet for a number of years, you likely have, and let’s just call it for what it is, shall we people?

There are just certain personality types that almost delight in life draining behaviors. So we as women tend to think, I’ll be kind, I’ll do the nice thing, and we put ourselves in situations– perpetually that are actually not very healthy and can be downright toxic.

Now, let me just be clear. It’s taken me many, many years to try to understand and then develop a strategy for how I can deal with these influences because I have thought those very same things. And yet the more that I studied scripture, the more I saw that actually it’s not a healthy way or a spiritually based way to deal with people.

We actually have to deal with these life-draining people and we have to do it in a way that really works in a positive and gives them the opportunity to choose differently and helps us to be able to stay sane.

So I want to share just a quick example and a quick thought about this kind of behavior. There was a gal, real person, that I had coached years ago. She was losing weight. She was doing very well, and she had connected with her coworker and she was saying, “I’m going to do this program and I’m going to lose weight and it’s going to be great and I’m starting this thing.”

And her friend said, “Oh, I’ll do it with you. That sounds great.”

And you know how that starts off. Oh, it’s going to be friends, it’s going to be fun, we’ll be successful, we’ll help one another, we’ll support each other. Now, coaching support and mentoring support, that’s great because that person is totally invested in you with no hidden agenda. Well you would hope, right? If you choose good people.

But the friendship thing is a little bit tricky because what happens if one starts losing weight and the other doesn’t? That’s exactly what happened. And the first Gal that I was coaching lost weight and she was doing really good, but she noticed every time she would come into work, that she would talk to this other gal and she would share her success and it turned out that the person started giving her a little bit of this negative come back.

So instead of saying, “great job, that’s wonderful”, she started giving her digs and giving her negativity and it got to a point where the first gal was just plateauing and was not losing weight, didn’t want to.

And digging a little deeper I found out that this was kind of the pattern, she would go into work, she’d be excited about her progress, the other coworker would tear it down very subtly, very insidiously, not outright, because that would be too easy to understand and overcome. But in this sort of subtle way.

Have you been a party to that or at least experienced that?

And this first gal was just like what happens often with women is instead of being confrontative, then we’ll we’ll just slink back, we’ll just step back into the shadows, we’ll go back to the recesses and we’ll try to make it nice, nice and smooth things over. So nobody’s offended.

That does not work.

All that does is empower toxic people. All that does is give them permission to say, “Oh, she is a weaker person and I can easily bully or manipulate her. So I will continue in my behavior and even increase that behavior.”

And that’s what was happening. So we talked and I said, “don’t share anything with this coworker” and in fact, we came up with the plan that she would enter the office a different way so that she wouldn’t make the same round and do it the same way that she always did it. And as she put that into play, she started losing weight again.

So I want you to consider what are some of the lessons learned in that experience? If you’ve experienced this, it could be a complaining neighbor, it could be a clingy coworker, it could be kind of an Eeyore family member.

But this sort of life draining influence can be by degrees. It can go from sort of innocuous, not really, you know, life-threatening, but all the way to it’s incredibly toxic and is absolutely affecting your health and your mental and emotional wellbeing.

So good things to sort of consider here is first and foremost, look at your life and recognize how do I feel when I am with this person?

So you’re looking at this conversation, maybe you come away from your life, man, I just don’t feel good whenever I talk to this person or I just don’t feel right or wow, it’s just such a negative or a downer. If you start noticing these patterns, then that’s a really good first key to weeding out those kinds of people in your life.

Now I’m going to give you an example. In this sort of scenario, I want you to first be aware of who you are with them.

 

Is it you that’s changing?

Is it you that seeking that out?

Is it you that’s kind of setting up the negativity?

 

Be aware of, maybe it’s you that’s being the creator of that.

If you go through that and you’re like, no, I was in a really happy mood. No, I was feeling great. I was sharing happy news and their response was abnormal. If something good happens to you, the good response and normal response would be for someone to say, “great job, so happy for you. Congratulations.”

If you’re not getting a normal, typical response, then that is something to look out for and say, you know what, that wasn’t normal and that did not sit right. So listen to your soul. Really feel that in your soul and recognize, you know what? This is not right. And then like I said, look for the pattern.

 

How often is this happen?

Now come on, we all have our days. We just, somebody comes in, all perky is that I just won $1 million, right? And we don’t know if we can make the rent. Then it’s like, no, we’re not feeling real happy. And we’re like, great. So happy for you. How about you give me a loan? Right? Something like that.

But if, if you feel like, okay, it’s just once in a while and you know, somebody just wakes up rough, whatever, that’s not the same as a consistent perpetual pattern of this kind of behavior where it’s life draining, they are enjoying in a sense and getting a hit from being negative and draining your positive.

So you really want to look for that pattern.

And in essence, the second thing is once you’re aware, then you want to weed out those people. And I call it weed out the dodder, not daughter as in my daughter as in a child, but the dodder d-o-d-d-e-r also known as strangle weed.

Appropriately named it likes to hook on to certain plants and it just sort of wraps around and winds around them and then it sucks out the water and the chlorophyll from that plant. And what’s interesting is at first the plant will sort of wind around and test it out, test out the prey to see if it can really be a good fit, if it’s going to get the nourishment that it needs. And then once it figures that out right in there with the puncture and it starts draining right away, it’s a real plant.

So that’s kind of what happens in real life. Someone kind of feels it out. How patient, how tolerant, how much are you going to sit through their whiny, whiny woe is me. And when they find someone who’s just going to sit and listen nonstop to their bitter diatribe without any kind of suggestion of improvement, well they found a willing victim.

So consider that as the third thing. What are your responses to this kind of behavior? What’s your response to this kind of toxic behavior?

Some really good things that you can try when you are engaged with this kind of a person, especially if you don’t know it and they start talking to you at a party or at a function, and then you start realizing what starts off.

At first of, “Oh wow, that’s terrible.” Yeah. You start realizing that they’re really, really going for it. Um, some good things to do.

 

Our first to be able to say validatingly you know, I’m sorry that happened to you. So what’s something good that happened today?

 

They hate when people switch the victim gear and make them be proactive about the positive. So switch it as soon as you can.

 

“I’m so sorry that happened. So tell me something good that’s going on your life. Tell me something good that happened today”

 

And they say, “Well, you know, it’s just a rough, rough time and I’m not a lot of blah, blah, blah.”

 

You’d say, “Oh, you know what? Second thing I have a suggestion. Do you know what you can do about that? Is there something you’ve thought about what you can do about, have you thought about way to solve that?” And then you are welcome to offer suggestion.

 

They will get the idea that you are not going to just listen endlessly and they do not want to hear solutions. Now at first, a lot of them were just going to give you solutions back.

 

“Oh yeah, I tried that, but my back still hurt and then my corn started hurting.”

 

Now. Then you get to decide, “I’m so sorry that happened. Well, what’s good about what’s in your life right now?”

 

Do you see the cycle here?

 

You’re not going to let them go down that very scary train track. You are going to stop it in its tracks and if they are not open to solutions–if they are terrific–if they’re not open to solutions, then you are also welcome to be able to just say, “Wow, that’s really tough time for you. I wish you good luck with that and move on.”

Do not feel that you have to stand or sit and take that kind of toxic behavior just to be “nice”. There’s nothing nice about engendering toxic behavior. You’re not being very kind. What you do when you push back is give them a choice. Do they still want to play this game? Do they still want to stay in this victim mode? Do they still want to be sucked into that vortex? And a lot of times they will and they’re just looking for willing victims.

So I want you to consider some of those things and being able to utilize those. I know for many years I really struggled with how to do this and then I realized in the scriptures that is not how it is solved. In fact, one of the things that I’ve noticed, this is just my personal take, is that to be with really good, wonderful people including God, that we need to become really good people because we have to want to be around him and be where he is and in order to be where he is and be comfortable there, we’re going to have to be our better selves and you will be amazed how often you really don’t want to be your better self.

You’re like, no, I really just want to stay on the couch and binge watch Netflix. I really don’t want to be my higher self. Right. I have been amazed how often I’m content with that and then this feeling, this rumble in my soul helps me get back to, no, I don’t.

This isn’t fulfilling this, this doesn’t do anything for me. I want to be my better self.

So when you consider that, I see how often when you choose not to have healthy behaviors, you don’t get to be with God. You don’t get to be with good people because their goodness requires that you up your game.

Just being who they are requires you to up your game because you have to start facing yourself. You are not going to get away with just bleh or going back into the haze. No, you’re with really good people who are up-leveling all the time and pretty soon it’s going to get uncomfortable and one of you is going to have to do something different.

And guess who that’s going to be? It’s probably going to be you or me that says, you know what? “I really don’t want this. I want to complain about my bunyans.” Right?

So if you to consider that because when we choose toxic behavior, we don’t get God, we don’t get him, we don’t get to live where he is and, and be where he is. Again, that’s my understanding.

So I’ve also realized over the years and in reading scripture and also in working with people that it took me a long time to value and validate my time is precious. My time is what I have that commodity that I have to decide what happens with that. And when I choose to give that time I had better be super wise because I have my family and that’s who comes first. And then I have the people that I’m helping and they come second.

That means my church responsibilities, my neighbor, my ministering responsibilities, those that I’m helping and loving and then those that I have a stewardship over and then people that I’m helping in my programs and in the things that I’m doing to help women and families. So that all takes a lot of time and I need to make sure that I am giving them the time that they need and that I have a stewardship over.

If someone’s going to try to drain my time by a toxic behavior, I’ve been able to come to a place of going, nope, you don’t get that. I choose no. I choose to divvy up my time with people who are going to be reciprocal and people who are going to respect my time. Now it doesn’t mean everybody walks around Pollyanna with you know, passing out daisies from a basket.

No, but what I’m talking about is those who are consistent life drainers with this kind of toxic personality. They do not deserve my time because they are not respecting it nor valuing it.

And again, I’m all about giving them choice. I want them to realize what they are choosing when they do that and especially with me. So again, something to consider about that.

In this book, The Compound Effect, I really enjoy, it’s by Darren Hardy. He talks about two principles that I wanted to share with you that I think are fantastic.

He says, “decide how much you can afford to be influenced based on how people represent themselves…It’s difficult. I know, especially with close family members, but I will not allow someone else’s actions or attitudes to have a dampening influence on me.“

Now we all have people that don’t make the mistake of, of misunderstanding. What I’m saying, if you, if you don’t mind, I’m not talking about, oh, there’s a crotchety neighbor and they’re always crotchety. We have one of them in our neighborhood and we all just smile, and at Christmas time we bring them cookies and then occasionally we will pop by with a plant or something.

We’re like, hey, how are you doing? “It’s grumble, grumble, grumble” like, oh, okay. Well it’s so good to see you. And we love him. We just love it. And that’s just how he is. We got it, but he doesn’t sit and drain the lifeblood out of me. So that’s a different story. And I’ve also chosen not to allow that either, but I’m not talking about being kind to people or being there for them in their moment of need. I’m not talking about that, I’m talking about this perpetual, um, consistent, chronic kind behavior particularly.

So what he [Darren Hardy] says is “I’ve got a neighbor who’s a three minute friend for three minutes. We have a great chit chat, but we wouldn’t mesh for three hours. I can hang out with an old high school friend for three hours, but he’s not a three day guy. And then there are some people I can hang around for a few days but wouldn’t go on an extended vacation with. Take a look at your relationships and make sure here’s the kicker. You’re not spending three hours with a three minute person.”

Again, go back to how did I feel after interacting with that person. And then you have a choice, either you need to set clear boundaries or you need to make more intentional choices about how you engage with that person. Or that person does not get to spend time with you. You do not spend time with that person.

They don’t get that gift. That is you and your time and I love this other parts of something considered because it really does involve getting clear about what’s happening.

Remember I said earlier about being aware and then choosing how to weed out those toxic perpetual influences in a positive way and that involves setting healthy boundaries and I love this other quote that he says, again, this is Darren Hardy,

“When you make the tough decision to put up boundaries between you and people who drag you down, realize they’ll fight you, especially those closest to you.”

Have you seen that in your life? When you try to shift it? Harriet Lerner talks about the dance and when you do a different step now at forces the dance to be different even when someone doesn’t want it to be and they’re going to fight for, to go back to that homeostasis, go back to what’s familiar, go back to those old patterns and they will fight to the nail.

If you haven’t experienced that, watch out, especially those that are closest to you. They do not want you to shift and it’s just a survival mechanism. A lot of times of just, that means I have to face my own demons. That means I have to change what I’m doing and I really don’t want to do that. So, recognize that’s the fight that they are feeling within themselves and that they’re manifesting to you.

He [Darren Hardy] continues, “your decision to live a more positive goal oriented life will be a mirror to their own poor choices. You will make them uncomfortable and they will attempt to pull you back down to their level. Their resistance doesn’t mean they don’t love you or want the best for you. It’s actually not about you at all. It’s about their fear and their guilt about their own poor choices and lack of discipline. Just know that breaking away won’t be easy.”

Isn’t that beautiful? Once you know that ahead of time, then you can be prepared for the difficulty of those choices of being able to say to someone, you know, this is just not gonna work for me. I really, I appreciate you and I love you and this kind of behavior is not working for me. It’s actually dragging me down and I’ve done a lot of different coping skills for me to try to deal with it and they’re not working, which means I’ve gone as far as I can go here.

So either you will choose to shift and if you like too, that’s great or we just not going to be able to spend time together and we’re going to need to take a break, whatever that looks like for you in a conversation. That may be what needs to happen.

What I’ve also found helps is when I’m engaging with someone with that personality and they’re “woe is me and they’re nothing’s ever going to be ride and it’s never going to be good enough or whatever”, then I try to put it back in their lap and just be able to put the ownership back where it belongs. So if you remember when I said, “well, what can you do about, um, I’m sorry that happened. What good thing happened to you?” Trying to put it back into their ownership and their choice to do it differently.

I have a good friend and she works with, um, assisted living buildings in the Midwest and she is amazing. She has, I don’t know, 16 buildings and she loves those residents and she makes sure those things run so beautifully and smoothly and helping those elderly to feel validated and valued and seen and loved and respected.

It’s just, it’s a beautiful thing to watch, but she deals with a lot of different personalities and she has to utilize those skills in her church efforts. She was given a stewardship over a lot of women and she found those things kind of came into play really well in these church responsibilities.

In this one particular situation there was, she was in a particular responsibility that was over, um, women who were then leaders in their own kind of congregations over the women. She met with a bunch of these different leaders individually and when they went to go meet with this one leader, they could tell right off the bat she was sharing this experience with me.

She could tell right off the bat this one, every time somebody brought something up, she was like, “no, we can’t do that because now that doesn’t work here because….no, that’s not gonna work because well, you might think that, but it doesn’t really work like that…..”and these kinds of responses.

And so when it came time for her to ask questions, she said, “I need to know how to do blah, blah, blah. I just, I don’t know what to do about this situation, I need you to tell me.”

I said, “what did you do?”

And she was so wise, she said, “I knew anything I said to this woman was not going to be received, nothing. So all I said to her was, you know, I know that you can pray and get your answers. I know that you have that capability. I have every confidence in you that you will find those answers. Good luck. Let me know how it goes.”

It was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. Other people she talked to were receptive and she could give some tips and ideas and things that they said, “Oh, this is great, thank you so much. “

She knew this personality was not going to receive it and so she was wise. She didn’t spend her time and energy trying to convince or share or prove none of it. She just put it back in that woman’s court and let her figure it out because that’s what she was choosing.

I hope today you got some ideas. This is not the 11th commandment. This is not the only way to handle situations. These are things that I have learned from reading and some different things that have worked for me.

Just to kind of recap, if you’re have experienced dealing with the live draining person, remember you can, you can be aware.

 

What’s the pattern here?

How do I feel after being with this person consistently? Not just once in a while, they have a bad day, but it’s a consistent thing and how you feel after you’re having that interaction.

Then you recognize is it my part, is it their part, what am I contributing to this?

And then weed out the strangle. We’d read out the dodder, the, the D-o-d-d-e- r. Weed out those ones that are going to drain that lifeblood that they’re kind of poking around to see how much you’re going to tolerate. And then they will just drain you dry.

When you’re in that situation, if you want to give them choice than you can say things like:

I’m sorry that happened. What’s something good that happened to you today? What’s something good in your life?
Or you can say, well what are you going to do about that?
Or what have you done about that?
Did you want to talk with someone about that?

So that you can give them a decision or an opportunity to be able to move forward and do something about it because they know next time they see you, you’re gonna check up on him and they’re going to avoid you like the plague.

And then lastly, remember they don’t get your time.

If they don’t value and respect you and your time, they do not get your time. You have too many people that you have responsibilities over that need that time. So you can give them what you can, but that is it. When they can come to that middle line, when they can show that they can do something more than be toxic, then they can get more of that time and more of that goodness. More of you, more of that wonderful you.

All right, and again, the book that I took those quotes from was The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy.

Hopefully, you got some wonderful things today.

Absolutely love sharing and connecting with you. If you want more of this good juicy steps, sign up for my newsletter. It’s on ConnieSokol.com you’ll get more podcasts, you’ll get more blog posts, which are fabulous, and my TV segments and all my good juicy stuff.

Lots of great supportive, encouraging content. Also check out my free masterclasses, gives you more specific tips to put into your life to be able to find more purpose, organization and joy. And as always, if you want to check out another podcast, just click on one of the ones that looks really good to you. Lots of podcasts there for you to choose from to get Balance reDefined.

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Life Path Shifts: Opening Our Hearts and Paying Attention

Balance reDefined Radio Podcast 50

Life Path Shifts: Opening Our Hearts and Paying Attention

 

 

(The following is the transcript of this podcast.)

Connie – Today I am so excited to have one of my dear friends and one of our great community leaders and contributors; it’s Jodi Robinson and she is amazing. This woman is not only a published author and a speaker and owner, designer of Dreamers, which are handmade dream catchers; it’s to inspire women to let go of negativity and brace unlimited possibilities.

But for the last 18 years she has mentored women in addiction recovery and she has taught life skills to thousands of women in recovery programs. She has spent years involved in this, really being in the trenches of how do you deal with significant life changes, I mean life challenges, and how do you do that to change that, bring it around and actually make a difference. If you can do that with serious stuff, you can do that with the everyday bumps and things that we deal with as everyday women.

I have loved getting to know her for years. She is just a kind and compassionate woman. She’s a mother of two young adults and two teens and an 80-pound malamute Yuki and she is just a go-getter. She’s gone skydiving, she’s done a 20-mile backpacking trip through the Grand Canyon; I mean this woman, she just goes and also she’s received the Salt Lake County Governor’s Award for her volunteer work with women in recovery, which is just so fabulous.

The thing that I love about Jodi is that when you sit down and you talk with her, you feel like you’ve been friends forever. She’s the kind that makes friends at Costco, at the post office and you know that you’re actually coming over for dinner kind of thing. So that’s what I love about her.

Without further ado, what we want to talk today is about what she has learned in mentoring women for all these years. What has she learned about how women deal with life challenges and what they need in order to deal with them.

You may be dealing with addiction. You may not be, but what is it in your life that’s the rock in the road? What’s the obstacle and how can you move forward?

So Jodi, to speak to that, I want to go back to some things because women experience lots of different things similarly. One of the things we experience is unexpected life shifts. So like you had years ago, I know you started off in the journalism industry and in TV and then the life shift kind of unexpectedly. So quickly tell us about that and what you learned from that.

 

Jodi Robinson – Sure. You know, it’s interesting to know that there’s something within us that feels like a calling. It’s a pull and I had that even as a young girl, I, that makes me laugh when I think about it, but I wanted to be a candy striper and I don’t even know if that exists anymore. But at my high school, it was located right next to a hospital, they had candy stripers. But there were volunteers that would go in and they would uplift people and they would read stories and they would do all those odd jobs, but yet it mattered.

So when I went over one day unexpectedly ’cause I had some low blood sugar, that’s when I thought, “oh my goodness, what do you do to sign up to just do good?” Well, journalism called to me because I love telling stories. I love connecting with people.

Just like Connie said, I am the woman that will find you at Costco and I’ll be your friend and you will come for dinner. I genuinely have that desire to want to be friends with everybody. But I pursued journalism, I studied it and I did feel like it was my calling. And the reason I did it is because it connected me with people and I loved hearing stories.

I wasn’t great on the go, on the hard news and um, I remember being on a, on an assignment once and it was actually a really, really horrible, horrific accident and it was hard for me to imagine myself doing these things every day.

So as I began to think, what do I want to do long term, I had no idea that. I would land in a place that really gave me the opportunity to follow what my heart calling was, which was to connect with women and to assist them in their life changes and in their journey to become the better person. And in doing so, it made me a better person.

I am a better person today because I know Mandy, and I know Kelly, and I know Wendy and I know Jen, and these are women who recovered from every kind of addiction from whether it was food addiction, heroin addiction, prescription drugs, alcohol and I think that shift going from journalism and television, which was a really wonderful experience, but it didn’t…it didn’t…it didn’t connect with me at my core.

At night or anytime I’d be like–gosh, I just want to go talk and I just want to hear their stories. And producing the video or writing the article, I loved it, but what I loved was the people. So, I didn’t know that there was a job that existed. I probably should’ve gone into social work, but I think the key was for me is being open to what my heart was telling me, and when the opportunity came that I could jump into something that was completely unconventional in comparison to following a journalism and broadcasting background.

 I could do it. I could do it with my life experience, being open to just letting come what comes, my family supported it and it certainly just has fit and it’s brought joy and I still use my journalism and storytelling and those skills along the way. But I think being open to it in my heart was the key.

 

Connie – I love that and I think women listening can really relate to that. So many women I’m talking to, especially the last year, are feeling this desire to really tap into their purpose, not to have a checklist, but being able to fulfill what they are to fulfill and that’s being often being a woman and being a mom and  _____. Fulfilling that role of being a mother is the highest thing that we can do and yet women are also feeling, beautifully, that once I’ve been able to like recognize that purpose, I also feel this desire to help every other mother and what can I do? What’s my fingerprint?

 I love that you listened to your soul and you were open to it. And then another thing is you identified what it is that you loved, like what was your niche? And that was the stories, that connection and like you said, those pieces that the learning that you got from the stepping stone of the journalism was what helped you get into this next phase. When women look at and go, oh, the last 10 years of my life or 20 years had been wasted because I haven’t been fulfilling my purpose is not true. Right?

 

Jodi Robinson – Yeah. Oh, absolutely not.

 

Connie – Yeah.

 

Jodi Robinson – If I hadn’t have had the writing skills and also the presentation skills and the experiences that I had as a journalist and walking up to people to be able to find out the facts about the story and to relate that in a way that in 30 seconds to a minute that I could downsize it.

Honestly, that became a skill and so being able to focus and and and connect with somebody and then automatically key in on this is your story and I love being able to say, in fact, this is my theme for this year is I love my story and I want other women to love their story.

Sometimes it’s hard for a woman to look at her past and say, “oh, but look at what I’ve done, look at where I’ve been” and I’m able to say,

“Oh my heavens, look at what you’ve done. Look at where you’ve been and I can honor you for the fact that when I see you, I know how hard it was to shift from relying on drugs and alcohol, relying on unhealthy habits and transforming into somebody who is now self-caring with essential oils, self-caring through yoga, self-caring, through connecting with other women.”

I teach women how to run a book club. I teach women how to gather people because it’s about connection and when you’re in addiction or unhealthy mental habits, we are isolating ourselves. So when I am, when I am being that champion to any woman, regardless whether it’s addiction or just coming out of depression, which I’ve been through depression and I can relate to so, so, so well.

I love that I can speak heart to heart and say, “I believe in this transition and this transformation you’ve made because I’m in awe of it. I’ve never walked there, I’ve never experienced it. And who’s to say I wouldn’t have made this same exact choices have I had I been given the same experiences? So I’m going to celebrate you and I’m going to be joyous with you.”

That to me is what makes what I do worth it. There’s no money that I could ever be paid that gives me the joy when I get to celebrate a woman who says, “no, you’re right Jodi, where I’ve been matters. It’s my story and I’m not going to be afraid to tell it. I’m not going to live in shame. I am going to live in absolute joy knowing I am limitless because I’m me and there’s nobody else that has my story and there’s power in that.”

 

Connie –I love that. That everyone has a story and to love your story and that there’s power in your story that is so crucial. Instead of being shamed by it and staying in this stuck place, this negative vortex that just takes you back to these old triggers and these old cues and old tapes that we play in our mind.

 

Jodi Robinson – Absolutely.

 

Connie – I love this. So in, in being able to utilize these skills with the journalism and then following your heart of wanting to know people’s story, helping them to validate their story and love their story. Where did that take you next? The next big shift?

 

Jodi Robinson –You know, honestly, it was loving my own story and I found of all things my, my story within the stories of these women whom I started to mentor, so I didn’t understand that I had depression throughout my life. I called it “funks”. I kind of would go in something, but I would get pulled out pretty quickly.

I’m like, the glass is always half full and then overflowing. I have eternal optimism. And, and Connie, would you describe me ahead of time? I always feel like I have to tell women, you know, don’t listen to somebody’s resume and then go, “oh my gosh” because you’ve got to also put in there “‘kay, Jodi’s had lung surgery, I had half my right lung removed. My father was actually run over by a woman who was on high on drugs about 18 months ago and that shifted our entire family and I had to go through deep, deep forgiveness because these women that I loved and I mentored now somebody who made that choice to use drugs ran over my father and gave him a traumatic brain injury.

So when we talk about those highs that are like, yes, you know, she climbed a mountain, she hiked through the Grand Canyon. Well, I’ve also suffered from those very things that these women that I’ve loved and mentor have suffered from. We’re no different. And so one of the messages that I loved to remind myself of is, Jodi, your story is the same. It’s just different.

So my experience with depression came on at a time when I lost a pregnancy at four and a half months. That was the first time I became chemically depressed to a point where I could say it was darkness. So as I am able to relate to other women with various different backgrounds and experiences that have put them into, say a depression, it’s, it’s a place of sameness, of oneness.

I love thinking of the word Namaste-where I honor that divine that is in you. We’ve all come to love that word, I think, in this circle of transformative leaders. But if I’m honoring at the side of another person, I also have to honor myself and accept that depression was so scary and it was something I couldn’t get out of all by myself. Not without help, not without a counselor, not without a doctor. And so along the way, who knew that I would learn more about myself and about not living in shame.

Not living in shame for not having a life that was dotted with abuse. I grew up with a really loving mom and dad, but we did lose…My dad lost a business when I was young and it very much effected me. So what was interesting is that it’s so unexpected was going along with each of these women that I would mentor and discovering something about myself that then became that wonderful connection that if I would be true to it and I would share it, we would find relationship and we would experience connection.

That’s the beauty. We are meant to connect. We are meant to be friends and to have, have experiences learning from each other.

So there’s the journalist to me, it’s like find the story, find the person. But instead of just writing about it and leaving it alone, I’m like, come to a gathering. How many women can I fit in my living room? And I wish, I wish that that’s how every day could be. It’s very genuine. But I think honestly that shift of learning about myself, it is the gift that I didn’t realize I could, I could experience. And so women will say, well look what you gave me. And I’m saying, no, but look what you did for me.

I love the fact that in that, that shifting from this journalism, I’m going to do this kind of path to wow, opening yourself to your story, that then this, I love that recognition of I am just like these women that I’m mentoring. I love that the same but different and that’s kind of that novel that it’s really popular that when you think about that, that maybe, you know, ours is food addiction and theirs this prescription drugs or maybe ours is recovering from a family abuse and theirs is that they had a beautiful life, but then they turned to something else. Or maybe it’s that we are now being passed the baton to change family legacies.

It’s the same bottom core things and the chord that I’m hearing from you is when women go through their lives to be able to validate their story and then be able to reach out, to connect, to support, and then to receive that support without feeling ashamed that they need that support.

Whether it’s for depression, whether it’s for helping them find their purpose, but just being able to be open to receiving that help and to lending that as well. That is just such a key thing.

 

Connie – I love that these are great principles for dealing with life challenges. So kind of on this last sort of leg of this, of this unexpected life learning that you’ve been going through and sharing with other women and connecting women with it.

What do you feel are some key things that women can do if they are facing these life challenges?

One thing we just said was, you know, support, reach out for support, not be shamed in your story, validate your story.

What are some things that you feel like through either faith or family or community that if a woman is dealing with a challenge, whether it’s in marriage, children, a job, health, finances… What is something that you’ve seen in working with women and mentoring them for over almost 20 years? What do you think are some real pearls of wisdom that you’re like, you know what, these are some go to things that they can really use.

 

Jodi Robinson –So you’ve mentioned the connection, which is absolutely key because every time we go through something difficult, isolation is what we want to automatically go to. So yes, absolutely that.

One of the things that have has helped me is creativity. And it’s different for every single person. Dreamcatchers did not, was not on my radar. It’s not like I was a little girl going, I am going to start a dream catching business. So I think how this landed in my lap is just a perfect example of we are meant to create. And when we’re creating whatever that looks like, you may create it, be creating a grocery list and you may need to dot little flowers at the top of that. Or maybe you are totally a minimalist and your grocery list has to just be black and white and clean. But you’ve got gorgeous lettering that you take time, you know, to really write every letter and define.

These are creativity tools and these help elevate our mood. They help give us an identity, and so I would say tap into your creativity.

Women, whether you are coming from an addiction recovery, whether you’re coming from just a hard period of not feeling self-worth, of not knowing, deep down inside that you are loved when we tap into creativity and really get in there and allow yourself, if you want to paint, paint and if it’s, if it’s completely different than the paint by the numbers picture on the box, it doesn’t matter. It’s the fact that you put a paintbrush in your hand, you dipped it in the paint and you went for it.

It’s the process. So I love the saying, “trust the process” and that was taught to me at House of Hope 20 years ago and we all hear it now today, but I don’t know the depth of it really communicates to and rings true to everyone.

It does to me trust that creativity is part of the process. Look at the laundry, look at filling your car up with gas, look at the sunshine and the today happens to be a beautiful blue sky day with that, with that snow that is just white as unclean. I can create a heart and my front yard and my snow boots and I plan on doing it or a snow angel. I am not too old to do that.

Creativity comes in every shape and size and form. Sometimes it’s just taking Play-doh with your little kids at the counter, but tapping into creativity is going to get you back to your core. But we are taught to follow that to do list and creativity is not on it. Unless we are understanding that yes, creativity is part of your things to do list. It can be part of every single aspect of that box. So that to me is number two.

And then the third thing I just want to share is a quote that I just love, but think of those storms as not coming to disrupt your life but coming to clear a path. And that to me is a shift in going from a negative [type of] thinking to a positive [type] and just believing in that.

Can you imagine if going through something difficult and you’ve got a good friend that you’re connecting with or a mentor or a life coach that simply gives you the connection and the reminder that says, “Hey, that storm you’re going through, it’s here for a reason and a purpose”?  Breathe it in. Honor the divine, that it is an honor that you are divine enough to handle this and it’s clearing a path. And yes, it may tear down that staircase that you’ve built that guess what? Maybe it’s a staircase that doesn’t need to be there anymore.”

Um, it’s that C.S. Lewis quote, you know, “God’s making a mansion while you think you’re being built into a cottage.”

But for me staying the glass is half full. And for me, it’s got a brim over the top. Sometimes I’m just too Pollyanna-ish, but it’s true. But I also know, I know what it feels like to be in those dark spaces, but I refuse to give up because I know women who against all odds should be giving up and they don’t and they inspire me every single day.

So every ordinary woman out there inspires me too, because it’s hard to Carpool 10 kids in a van with music blasting, you know, from your teenagers and your preschoolers want, what’s the shark thing that’s popular today?

I mean, some of the moms I see at the school, I just go, Oh, bless you, Namaste you beautiful, beautiful woman. 

You know, I’m at crumble cookies grabbing a cookie and I should be on a Keto Diet. Well, hahaha, there I am with five other women and we’re like, here we are. I just say embrace and so embrace and love. I don’t think we could love enough. So those are my tips and they’re a little all over the place. But that’s who I am.

 

Connie- I love it. And I love that analogy that you did, that the storm clears the path because we just here in the west, we just had this big storm last night. It was a whiteout. It was just treacherous. blizzardy, coming right at you through the windshield, can’t even see and this morning, blue sky — crystal clear. The air is gorgeous and yummy and that’s exactly right that recognizing the storm is not a stopping place. It’s not an ending, it’s just you move through it to the good spot.

That one thing I want to wrap up with them on. Coming back to that creativity, I love how you share that. That is a part of everyday life and if I can add to that, it sounds like what you’re saying is that it needs to be woven through what we do, not a thing that we go, okay, it’s 7:59 we’re going to do some creativity.

Yes, we can do that, but that’s not the only way to be creative. Like you said, little doodles or stopped in smelling some yummy melons or whatever it might be that we are engaging in creative thought, creative experience to make the day savory, not just an accomplishment. I got five things done and you still have 52 more to go. You’re not going to feel the fulfillment that the creativity will help bring that.

So let me wrap this up in a way of helping women who have just maybe joined in or not sure, I was talking with Jodi Robinson today was community contributor and leader and just wonderful and helping women, mentoring them for over, I’m almost about 20 years and everyday women plus women and addiction and recovery.

But I love the things that she shared and in kind of a nutshell, she shared:

Everyone has a story.
Love your story.
There’s power in your story and share and connect through your story.
And as you go through daily life, that means you’re going to have to deal with forgiveness and you’re going to reach out and connection.
You’re going to add in creativity and you’re going to be positive about the storms that come your way, adding in that love.

But whatever happens, you go back to whatever unexpected life shift you have, what an unexpected life challenge comes. Open your heart to that. See that as a stepping stone and be able to know that as you move forward in life with this vision of, you are writing and creating your story and it’s valid and it’s wonderful and it’s beautiful in all of its messiness, that as you do that and keep reaching higher, you are going to feel that fulfilled way that you want to feel.

You’re gonna feel the meaning in your life. You’re going to feel the friendship that you are desiring. It’s in those actual things that you’re experiencing and preparing for that next step that you’re actually living the life you want to live and making sure that you’re staying present with that. I love these things, Jodi, so, so great.

Connie – Hi, I’m Connie Sokol and thanks for listening today to Balance reDefined. Don’t forget to rate and subscribe and if you liked it, get even more life shifting. Learning with my Facebook where you get more life hacks, experts, community and connection. Join us an add your voice today at facebook.com/conniesokol.

 

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