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Chalk and Challenges: 3 Ways to Solve Life’s Difficulties

Balance reDefined Radio Podcast Episode 49

Chalk and Challenges: 3 Ways to Solve Life’s Difficulties

 

(the following is the transcript from my podcast)

Today I want to talk about chalk and challenges. It comes from a quote from Joyce Meyers, and I love this. She says, “Teachers can change lives with just the right mix of chalk and challenges.”

Isn’t that beautiful?

Now, I am a teacher by degree, and I did my student teaching, and I remember the challenges of dealing with some of those kids in the class, and I remember the experiences that I had in trying to change those things: solve the challenges; try to make a difference; try to do something different.

So I want to talk about this today in terms of for ourselves: the challenges we have for ourselves and the challenges that we come up against and how we respond.

It’s so easy to look at our challenges and say, “Why me? Why this, why now?”

I just had a conversation this morning with one of the gals in our program, in our Balanced reDefined Program, and she was just so done with a sickness that she’s been experiencing. She’s had illnesses off and on for many years. She’s a beautiful woman -very Pottery Barn-like; her home is like that. She’s just gorgeous and a woman of substance and kind and sharp and savvy, just amazing.

She’s just felt so held back by all these different illnesses that come, and we all have our challenges, and I always say we all have our handcarts that we all have to pull, and we don’t know always why. As she was sharing about that this morning, she was talking about how right now it’s a beautiful holiday season, and she just wants to be engaged and involved and why is this happening now?

She was not saying it out of a “pity me” at all. She was just saying,  “I just really want to be beyond this. I’m so ready to be beyond this,” and as we talked about some of the solutions to that, this whole “chalk and challenges” comes to mind because life is a teacher, God is a teacher, our experiences are teachers, and it’s “chalk and challenges.”

And me being a teacher, this is really near and dear to my heart, pullied it back to my experience teaching.

I remember in the classroom, in my student teaching, I was brought into the classroom, and I only had six to eight weeks that I would do my student teaching.  I came into a classroom where a woman was already teaching, and I remember when I first went in, she was giving me kind of the low-down on the room and she’s like, “Okay, so this kid” (for right now, we’ll just call him Miguel), “Miguel, you are not going to want to bother with him. He’s just, he’s a pain in the bum, and he goes to resource and so you don’t have to worry about him in the morning because he’s just always popping off,” and basically she was just really done. Now, in her defense, it’s the end of the year. She has a ton of kids in that class. It’s a tough grade. It’s later in elementary school and she is just exhausted.

She is–she’s given a lot of things to do that she’s got to help those kids do and overcome and the issues that they’re dealing with mentally and emotionally. She was in a socioeconomic area where the parents were maybe not as involved as they could have been because they had a lot of stresses on their own, and so I just want to make it a clear picture here.

It was just a really hard situation. Really tough. Now, I’m coming in because I am all giddy. I’m getting ready to finish college and I’m all excited and I’m going to make a difference in the world. So I’m coming in with a lot of energy anyway as it is. So just imagine that. But I was a little bit taken aback by the sense that I thought, “Oh my gosh, you’re with these kids every day. Where’s the hope? Where’s the joy about this?”

Of course, for teachers who teach, they know what happens. There’s the reality. And I found that out, too.

So anyway, the point being is that I came into this classroom and sure shootin’ Miguel was an issue right off the bat, and I really got peripheral about how do I handle this with hope and love and firmness and boundaries. It was a challenge, and I had the chalk and I’m like, “How do I do this without crushing his spirit, but setting a tone in the classroom that helps everybody else learn as well as well as him progress?”

The thought came to mind; they were sitting in a certain seating arrangement. I thought “I want to change this.” So, I put them into groups, instead of having them be in straight seating, I put them into groups and the idea  was I was going to have them help one another in this group to model what’s good behavior and then get rewarded for that good behavior.

I did these popcorn jars whereas when I would catch them doing the behaviors that we decided as a class, got the buy-in, had a few behaviors that were sort of like the class commandments and this is what we do. And we all agreed this is how we behave, and then I had jars for each of the tables, and every time I caught them doing something good, I would put more popcorn kernels in there with the idea that in a certain number of weeks then we would do a popcorn party. And that’s how much popcorn they got to eat at that popcorn party. And you know, kids will work for popcorn. I will tell you that. So, of course, this was 15, 20 years ago, so I don’t know. But maybe nowadays you need to have a Nintendo Switch. I don’t know.

The beauty was I really focused on this Miguel – trying to help him learn some leadership skills, trying to reward the good behavior and trying to subtly,  and sometimes firmly, set a boundary on the behavior that was not helpful. And you know what was interesting is with a lot of help from above that this young man so good, by the end of that time, he was the leader in his group. He was the one that was shushing the other kids at the table. He was the one that was saying, “This is how we’re going to roll. This is how we’re going to do it.”

And what I had learned from that is that the challenge was that he needed to feel needed. He needed a leadership role. He needed to be attended and a half some attention that he probably wasn’t getting in other spaces that he may have wanted. And so once he got that, it filled that gap. And so he was able to move forward once I could figure out a good solution to this challenge.

So it’s made me think, make it full circle back to this experience I had with this gal on our program this morning. Her challenge was that she couldn’t do, she wasn’t able to do what she wanted to do. Sometimes our challenges are: we’ve got to get in, we’ve got to rework a situation like I had to do and then I had some wonderful success with that and that was such a beautiful experience.

So when you consider that in your life, when you’ve had that moment, the challenge can also be like this gal, where are our control is taken from us. That we feel like it is and we feel like the things we really want to be doing, we’re not able to be doing. But if we could, we could so make a difference or we could so have much more joy or we could so have something else in our lives.

I’m going to give you three steps to be able to deal with this, with the challenge in your life that maybe you need to learn how to deal with that isn’t seemingly the usual proactive, get in and make it happen. This chalks and challenge.

As a reminder,  it’s a quote from Joyce Meyer. Again, I’ll just refresh it.

“Teachers can change lives with just the right mix of chalk and challenges.”

What that means to me is that there’s a mix of instruction and learning and wisdom and edification and know-how and tools and then it’s applying it to the challenges: helping someone uplevel, helping them become and do with what they’ve been given to apply it to a situation that’s in real life.  Whatever that means to you, I’d love to hear about it. Post it in the comments.

So, the three tips that I want to give you on accepting a challenge, remember I was sharing that there’s challenges that we can dive in. We can choose to do it differently and bloom, we can choose to have a certain result with the control that we have.

Sometimes we’re given a situation, especially personally, that we don’t have as much control over and we feel like we can’t be successful. We can’t move forward, we can’t have joy because so much of the control is taken from us. And I mentioned about this gal on my program, the Balance reDefined that she has been dealing with lots of different illnesses and feels like she can’t move forward, can’t get out of that, a mental, physical, and emotional box.

 

So the first step that we talked about as I talked with her this morning and did some coaching, was to

First, accept what is. Just accept what is, don’t waste precious energy fighting and writhing about sort of the standing in the quicksand. Don’t make it worse by this writhing about and being frustrated by the situation. And to her credit, she really was not complaining, she was just addressing it, but the frustration that she felt was there, of when is this going to end and when can I get back to being normal?

But first she had to accept what is; accept it. This is part of the learning process. If all we could do all day long was go and proactively deal with challenges and create change, we would be exhausted and we be annoying to live with, quite frankly. So consider maybe what that looks like in your life. Is there something that you’re pushing back against and that you’re wasting energy by trying to deny or blame or whine about what is, I would encourage you to just accept.

This is. It just is. This financial situation is what it is. My health is what it is. My child, who is acting this way is acting this way. It is what it is.

Before we can solve it, we have to acknowledge it.

We have to say, yeah, this is what it is. So now what do we do about it? So first thing is to accept that.

The second thing is maybe ask yourself, what is it that I need from this? And not in like a touchy-feely kind of a little, you know, gift card way, but really asking your divine influence, whether it’s God or whether it’s the universe or whatever that is for you. Asking your divine influence. What is it that I need from this? It’s maybe not even to ask what you need to learn from it. Just what do you need from it? Is it temperance? Is it gratitude? Is it patience? Is it understanding? Is it humility? Is it compassion? Is it information?

I have a friend who’s dealt with illnesses that’s not in the program that she’s been dealing with illnesses and she said, I am learning so much about this very unique illness and it’s broadening her in the work that she does with children. It’s really amazing how it’s tying in, so there may be layered reasons for what we go through, so consider what do you need from this?

And I asked her that. I said, you know, it may feel like–she’s like, “Oh my kids are wrapping presents downstairs and I want to be engaged,”

I suggested “perhaps what you need from this is taking time to do things that you wouldn’t do or do them differently.”

Her kids are now learning some life skills that maybe they wouldn’t have learned before because she’s so capable. Maybe this time that she’s spending in bed and resting, maybe it’s preparing her health for something that’s coming in the coming year.

She’s getting time, actual conscious time to lay down and rest to actually heal her body intentionally. What a gift. How many of us go, “oh, I really should take a nap. I really should rest. Oh, I could really use a break right now.” And we just plow on through right we’re the Energizer Bunny. But she can be able to consciously choose to fill that need.

She could have the need to spend more one on eyeball to eyeball time with her children while she’s in bed. She can play a game with them on the bed. She can read with them, she can have discussions with them and talks with them. She can share a delight with them. Something that they bake, they can share it together. She can teach them some life skills, teach them some things she’s wanted to teach them that you just don’t feel like you get those teaching moments.

She can make that consciously say, you know what, 15 minutes you meet up here on the bed, the game of sorry, game on. She can do something like that where they know and feel valued and loved and she can also improve and nourish her mind and soul. She can listen to books, she can read books, she can study things that she’s wanted to study, but we never make time for. –“Oh yeah, I really should read that.”– And we’re trying to do it in snippets as we’re driving and doing pickup, she can actually take time to do that.

When you start looking at this, it shifts the lens. It doesn’t make it all better. It doesn’t suddenly shift that whole experience and wow, so glad that I have at other, we can get there.

And that’s the third point is gratitude.

Gratitude is the beginning of all other virtues. Gratitude is where it starts and where it ends. If we can get in a frame of mind, of gratitude, in a space of gratitude right now, right this minute, pause and for one minute have a gratitude of “this is what I’m thankful for. I am so thankful today for X, Y, and Z,” whatever it might be. Just have that attitude of gratitude, that space of gratitude, all things will begin to work for your good.

It is incredible how that works and there are studies to back it up. So, in that gratitude space, what could she do? She could make a list of the things that are making this a positive experience. Things that she’s grateful that it is creating or providing for her that she would not have seen before.

I tell my children it’s the fleas in the barracks. This is the whole the Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom, and remember her sister Betsy was always so positive while they’re in this concentration camp (based on a true story) and she was like, “I’ve had it.” One day she just had it, “Betsy, how can you be so positive? We are in a concentration camp,” and she was being thankful for the fleas in their barracks and she’s like, “Ah, that’s too far. Okay, you just have gone too far. You’re actually like nigh unto to delusional. How can we be thankful for the fleas? It’s biting as it makes us so we can’t sleep.”

And she says “The fleas make it so the guards do not come in here, which means they don’t check and search our belongings. The few that we have and find the Bible,” which if they found would be a huge problem. So she’s thankful for the fleas because it keeps the guards out and they’re able to read the word of God, which is what they wanted to do and is what sustained them through that horrible, horrible time.

And so I tell my kids, it’s the fleas in the barracks. That’s exactly what it is. You, I don’t have anything to be thankful for in this situation. It’s just awful. And yet you do. There are reasons. There are layered benefits that we in our mortal whiny, finite minds cannot see, but they’re there.

Just because we don’t see them doesn’t mean they’re not there. I always love when you’re looking at a painting and the artist has put some kind of symbol in there, some kind of hidden something almost like the where’s Waldo on that little, you know, child scale, but where you can’t see it until somebody points it out and then you go, oh, that’s what that is.

There’s a picture of Jesus Christ where he’s kneeling in Gethsemane. And it’s not until someone pointed out in this one particular painting, this kind of shadow outline of an angel. It was the ministering angel that sustained him that I did not ever had, never even noticed or seen that. So it’s wonderful when we can look for those things and it begins with gratitude and that’s when our eyes are opened and our perspective is magnified and enlarged. And we start to see the layered reasons and benefits.

And it shifts the way we look at our lives. It shifts the way that we approach it.

So I hope today that you got some good tips and some good topics, some thoughts and ideas on how to deal with some of the challenges in your life and that balance of chalk and challenges – the balance of taking these tools that I’m sharing with you today, almost as chalk on a chalkboard and then applying it to a situation or a person or something in your life that you really feel like this is a challenge and need help. And it feels like you don’t have a lot of control.

Try applying one of these tips and then comment below, let us know the experience that you’ve had and any tips that you might have to add on to what I’m sharing today.

Love, love, love this, so feel free to do that.

As always, get more resources from ConnieSokol.com, my free masterclasses that are truly rocking people’s worlds. Just go to Conniesokol.com/masterclass and get more of this juicy stuff.

Or you can join my newsletter. It’s free. I do lots of Facebook lives that we put on there, lots of great free things, things that are select just for my newsletter people.

It’s a great little e-boost every week and you can join that on Conniesokol.com also. And you can also check out any of these other podcasts that have great content as well. I love for you to feel filled and motivated and joyful and happy about moving forward in your life because that’s what it’s all about. Feeling the joy, sharing the joy, be the joy. All right, enjoy more podcasts from Balance reDefined.

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Balance reDefined Radio Ep. 48: 3 Ways to Handle Tough Issues with a Teenager

BR 48: 3 Ways to Handle Tough Issues with a Teenager Transcript

Hi, I’m Connie Sokol, a national speaker, bestselling author, program founder, and mother of seven and loving it. I’m reaching and teaching 1 million listeners to live a purposeful, organized, and joyful life. You can too. So let’s go.

 

Welcome back to Balance Redefined. I’m Connie Sokol and I’m so happy that you’re with me today for more great stuff about living a more purposeful, organized, and joyful life.

 

So today I am talking about dealing with teen issues. Have you had that experience where you are working with a teenager and you love them dearly but you just don’t know what to do?

 

So this happened to me recently and I thought I’d share a few things that I learned because it’s really funny. I, I have seven children and six of them are, have been or are, you know, teenagers. So I was thinking, I kind of been around the block a little bit.

 

I probably know a few things, you know, have some understanding, but I don’t know about you. Every single child is a whole new world. It’s like you’ve learned some things, you have a baseline and then they push it, they push it to that edge to the next level and it’s just annoying. Anyway, I love them so, so much. I truly fiercely do and it just brings me to my knees trying to get some answers of what do I do with different situations.

 

So I thought I’d share three key things that I learned through a recent experience with one of my children. And hopefully you can get some insights and I would love to hear yours in the comments below. So we’re having some issues where smaller things, that’s where it starts, right? It’s the smaller button heads over modesty. You know, mom is so old fashion, she doesn’t like me having 52 rips in my jeans.

 

You know what’s wrong with her and friends, you know, hanging out with guys because now they’re 16 and so it’s different. But then it’s not different mom and I know what I’m doing and just these kinds of encounters where I’m like, ah, how do I impart big picture wisdom to someone who is seeing the here and now and wants what they want and good kids love my kids and they’re good kids.

 

But just um, there’s so much coming at them in our society today, it’s really difficult for kids to be able to create some very strong moorings and be able to have those footings, those shore footings for their lives to be able to say, I know what is true and I know the things that will give me a safe harbor that will guide me and help me to be able to move forward in a way, not just for now, but in the future so that I will be able to keep all paths and all opportunities open.

 

And that’s what I’m trying to get across to my teenager is, I am one, I’m your mom. I have a stewardship over you and I love you and I want the best for you. I want your happiness and I want to have all kinds of opportunities available to you and helping you make good decisions now and in the future. That’s my only goal. But of course, that comes off as the far side. Blahblahblah Ginger, Blahblahblah Ginger, right?

 

So anyway, things kind of came to a head of course about, you know, guys and dating and what that looks like and driving and these big kind of big-ticket items. And I was really at a loss and we kind of came to a head and we were just really toe to toe kind of feeling. And I just thought, wow, I don’t want it to be like this. What can I do?

 

And so it came to a head where it was like she was upset and like I feel like you’re just, she didn’t feel like I was super controlling her, but kind of like, ah, don’t you trust me and don’t you just know that I, I’ve got this right. And were you as a parent are like, I could see five steps down the road, have a little faith in me.

 

So it came to this real head and, and this Saturday morning we’re having a conversation and it came to a kind of a head and I said, you know, it’s great, why don’t we, we wanted to have a 16 year old discussion anyway, like to have a discussion with them when they’re 16 and you know, the big kind of marker points, 16,18 all of those, those kind of, 12, those, those kind of big moments markers 13 when they’re becoming a tweener at that kind of thing, 21, 45 you know, that kind of thing.

 

Anyway, so I said, why don’t we have that discussion? Because in my mind, I’m thinking, girl, this, we’ve got to really get some things nailed down because otherwise we’re just going to end up picking at each other and it’s going to feel like I’m harping on her. So we’ve got to have some–lay the ground rules. And I had been kind of putting it off because I really didn’t know what I wanted to say. So I said, why don’t we have that discussion? And she said, great, why don’t we have it right now?

 

Yikes! I thought, oh, what do I do now? I thought I’d have a couple of hours to prepare. So I said, okay, give me just a sec, let me get some water in my water bottle. So I went and madly praying, what do I say? What do I say? And the feeling thought came, you know how I am about feeling thoughts. The feeling thought came, listen, just listen.

 

So I got my ye old white notepad and I said, “okay Darlin, I just want to listen to you for the next little bit. I just want to hear your thoughts on being 16 and what that looks and feels like to you.” And I did it you guys. I actually listened the whole time and it was what, 45 minutes I believe, but listen and took notes. Now here was the secret weapon here for me is that I was taking notes on the left hand side at night, throw out, you know, just she start talking and then I throw out another topic.

 

So electronics and dating and the car and modesty and church and those kinds of things and just kind of what do you think about that? What do you, what does that look like to you? And so I take notes that she was saying to me on the left hand side and then on the right, very small and discreetly, I was writing little buzzword notes that I wanted to be able to share with her later.

 

Not Defensive. Okay. Maybe a little, but I was writing down things that I wanted to make sure that I could help her understand because isn’t that the goal? The goal is to help them know they are understood and then for me to be understood by her. That is the goal is not lecturing, it’s not preaching, it’s not throwing out the I’m your mom and so you just do it. It’s trying to get to this apex of understanding one another.

 

And if that–we can achieve that, then we can have some real love, some real connection going on. So I listed those notes and then as right in the middle of that, I had this other feeling thought of “ask her if she had a 16-year-old daughter what she would want her daughter to do”. And so I did, I asked her that and as it came out of my mouth I thought that’s a good question.

 

So she said, oh well and then she starts telling me what she would tell her daughter and how she would go about it with a 16 year old daughter. And I have to tell you, it was very insightful and it was interesting because so often she ended up saying the very things that I was saying to her, just seeing it a little bit differently. Isn’t that interesting?

 

And I was so proud of myself because no, I did not stop her in mid-sentence and say, well that’s what I’m saying. I did not super proud of myself. It’s biting the inside of my cheeks, but I did not. I just let her speak and it was very, it was reassuring and thrilling to me to hear that. Mostly she, we were on the same page. That wasn’t the problem.

 

And then lastly, when I asked her for insights basically of what I could do differently or what it was that was making it stressful, it really came down to approach. She just said it really sometimes I feel like it’s too much. It’s a little overbearing now. This is the same daughter who when we were talking about going and serving people, you know, at Christmas time, she’s the same one that was like, “Can you stop talking about service all the time? Mom, that’s all you do. You just serve all the time!”

 

And, and I, I honestly, I try not to about it had to start laughing because it was just so hysterical. Like I had just done and committed the ultimate thin as a mother is that I could not stop the serving. And I said, you know, we’ll just discuss that on another day.

 

But Anyway, um, the beautiful thing that came out of that experience was that I just felt so much love for her. I really did. And I shared that with her. I said, I just love you. Appreciate that. Your goodness. Appreciate who you are. Really appreciate this time that we’ve talked together. If you don’t mind, I want to think about what you’ve said and I want to come back and just share any thoughts and I might want to share and then we can talk about those. But I really appreciate you sharing this and being really open and honest and candid.

 

So we ended up on this like beautiful moment. Good, wonderful. The next day, is church after church, blah, blah blah. We’re talking, it’s in the evening and I’m thinking we’re all doing good and I haven’t come back and talked with her yet because I’m still trying to figure out what the, hey I’m doing and then we have another thing at, because it’s all back to an hanging with this guy and how much he’s going to hang with them because it’s just this woosh of two weeks of nothing but wanting to be with this guy. And we had another thing and was just like, ah, what do I say this time?

 

And the feeling thought came as we were, she kept picking apart different words and then debating it. I just said, sweetie, I feel like I’ve tried to share with you what I’m thinking and feeling three different ways and I feel like you’re still not hearing it.

 

So I tell you what, why don’t you go pray about it? Why don’t you get that from Heavenly Father and again, whatever your divine beliefs are, you just insert them there. But I just said, why don’t you go pray and get your own answers because I don’t know how else I can share with you the thoughts that are in my heart. So she goes downstairs and she’s upset again and I–inside. I’m like, what am I doing wrong?

 

So here was the second good thing that I felt to do. Well, I’ve given you some tips along the way, but the first one was to sit and just have that conversation to listen to her. And then I had little feeling thoughts that gave me direction along the way. The second thing was this was talk to a seasoned friend, someone who’s been through it and her name came right to mind.

 

And I thought, ah, I need to talk to her. So I text her and said, I know it’s a little bit late, but can I pop up for a minute? Ended up being an hour, bless her loving heart. I brought her some chocolate chip cookies we’d made earlier, thank goodness, but ended up getting, gleaning some wisdom, some life wisdom from her, and really confirmed and reassured some things in my heart.

 

Um, and, and some of those were, one of the things I want to share with you here was to stay the mom course. So I could change my approach and that would be really helpful. And I needed to with her, I needed to listen to what she was saying and I needed to stay that mom course that I knew in my soul what was going to benefit her in the future, and I knew it in my heart.

 

And not to veer from that with pressure from her tears are her frustration. I could change what I could, I could compromise on the approach, but the principles could not be compromised. Now when I say that, you know, on our modesty thing, it was, I like her stuff, her skirts down to her knee. Okay, well it doesn’t need to be, you know that she’s back in Victorian Times. I get it.

 

So now we have like an inch above the knee and a half and it’s good. Okay. So I’ve compromised. I feel really good about that. But this halfway up the thigh, not going to happen. Just not going to happen. And, and she can cry and pound the floor all day long. But in my mother’s soul, no, because I know there’s an image that you represent when you do that. Now you can have all kinds of things in the comments and you’re welcome to totally disagree and I am not moved, so feel free.

 

We all have our mother things that we know in our soul and we may come back 20 years later and go, yeah, that was really dumb. It doesn’t matter. That’s how we feel right now. And that’s the thing that gives me peace and lets me sleep at night. So that’s what it is. And I just am able to tell her, you know, you can chalk it up to mom being annoying.

 

Moms all have their quirks and that’s one of mine. So feel free. I want to make sure that you have this beautiful modest image that you project because it attracts certain, different kinds of people, the way that you project yourself. So that is my thought and feeling and you can probably see why she gets really annoyed with me. There you go. So anyway, after that I felt really good and I had some key things that I felt reassured about and here were some of the things that I felt really good after that conversation with my friend.

 

One of them was, yes, it was right to be concerned about how often she was spending a lot of time with this young man where ostensibly they weren’t dating, but they were just good friends. But it was getting very close and very intimate. Um, I mean in a good way. No, don’t let the imagination run.

 

But I love this one book called Unsteady. Oh, cannot remember. It’s Jeanette something. Can’t remember the author. I’ll figure it out. But it’s unsteady. It, it’s super, super good. Really great stuff. This lady, just, she’s a believer therapist, but she goes and talks to youth all over and really explains these concepts about dating in high school so well and helps you understand and helps me to help my kids understand that for example, she has this sort of chart of the affection needs to match the commitment. So when your friends, your affection as a friend is going to be different than when you’re dating, when you’re steady dating, when you’re engaged, when you’re married.

 

And the affection needs to match commitment. And so it’s been great for me to have these kinds of things to use in our conversations. So one of the things that she says in there is that how much steady dating in high school and junior high, uh, negatively affects girls especially, and it narrows their world. It actually makes them open to more controlling influences. They haven’t quite developed who they are yet and so they can kind of mesh with somebody else and not really start defining who they are.

 

Just really good stuff. And that just sat right in my soul. And so one of the things that my friend had done is that she said for every two steady dates they’d have, they needed to date somebody completely different on the third. And that’s the rule they set up in their family. So I was listening to her and the thought that came to mind to apply it in a way that worked for our family because that’s what we do.

 

We listened to others and then we apply it in a way that resonates with us, for our family. For Mine, I felt like, you know, this kid that she hangs out with in this group of kids, really good kids, love them, they’re great. Um, but it’s just the time they’re spending together and then they just kind of mesh and you know, studies even show that women were art chemistry kind of even adapts to the people that we end up spending so much time with.

 

So anyway, um, I just, I felt in my soul that she, she could hang out once during the week and then once on the weekend. But what I would love that would be really good for me and that would make me feel comfortable. And if in between she hung out with her girlfriends. So one friend, a bunch of friends, it doesn’t matter.

 

But she had that where she’s not dropping her good girlfriends because they are such a grounding influence and will be now and in the future, that whole pattern of having good girlfriends. So, um, anyways, so that was a big point to me and also that we need, it’s really establish a curfew.

 

Some kids, I haven’t had to do that with some kids I have and every child is different. And so I really felt like 11:30 pm was just good for her. I don’t know why, but that was just what felt really good. And so here were a couple of things that those, I just felt and wrote them down at thought maybe we need a write-up kind of a 10 commandments of being 16 kind of a thing where, where we really get on the same page and that’s kind of what we’re looking at together.

 

So anyway, come home, she knows nothing. We have family prayer, bottled, I can tell she’s still miffed and I give her love anyway the next day you will not believe this. The next day she texts me and says, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about the situation, thinking about what we talked about. I really feel like it might be good for um, for me to not spend as much time with him.”

 

And I think, you know, what you’re saying is, is decent and I can see what you’re saying and had some conversations with my friends and you know, kind of got out my annoyance and venting about you and you know, hope you don’t mind. And of course, it didn’t. I told her later, now you are free to say whatever. Um, but it was really great that she ended up having this same kind of feeling. And then she said, I want, I’ve had some epiphanies about why I feel the need to do these things.

 

Um, and why it’s been like that the last couple of weeks. And I want to share that with you after school. Like mom gold, that’s parenting gold. Like I want to talk with you about it. I’ve had some epiphanies, I’ve had some understandings and realizations. I was like jumping up and down feeling like, thank you. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for not letting me spout off all of my parenting Aka wisdom. Supposed, supposed.

 

And here she wanted to talk. And so after school we chatted, we texted a few things back and forth in an afterschool. We had such a great chat and, and we naturally ended up talking about these “10 commandments” in the, came down to three rules. Just three rules. The yeah, I’m going to just, you know, hang with him twice a week and it will be with a group of people, not necessarily alone.

 

Right. Just group of people. And then I’ll have a friend fun thing in between and we’ll do the 11:30 curfew and that sounds great. Now we came to other two points that she was like, I really want to do this. And I said, oh, I don’t know about that. Can I pray about that? Can I think about it and can we come back and talk about that again? And there was another one that she was pushing me on. She was like, you know, I really don’t want to go to this one thing that’s, it’s like a church-related thing.

 

And I just thought you know what? I want you to do what your soul feels is right to do these other things that we do, scripture, we go to church on Sunday, blah blah, blah. But this other thing was really an optional thing. And I was like, yeah, you know, feel free, whatever you feel like you need to do with that.

 

So again, I’m not saying what I’m doing is like the eaching and is like, oh, everyone in the planet should do this. I’m just sharing an experience that I’ve had. And then after we had that beautiful chat and we agreed we didn’t even need 10 commandments, it was just three rules and we both agreed and I said, you know, there’s probably going to be some things eventually or at some juncture in the next 24 hours that we’re going to have to address again. But I’m hoping with a couple of these kinds of things in place that we won’t have to really talk about every little nitty gritty thing we’ll be on the same page.

 

And, um, the last thing that I felt that I, I did that I felt like I tried to weave through everything and then really cemented with her with our conversation last night. And also I’m a text this morning was how much I trusted and loved her. And this was really important. And the reason why I’m sharing this is because all the way along I have had a thread of not trusting because she of all my kids is one of my, um, foray, little feeling, edgy, kind of asking a lot of questions why? And which is great.

 

That’s not a bad thing. But just the pushback, the constant pushback and, and yet the feeling that I’ve had with that is trust. Trust her, let her know you trust her and show her the evidence of that trust where I’ve been able to go back and say, ‘member asked you to do this and you didn’t have to, but you did and you could have done something different and I wouldn’t have known and you didn’t. You respected what I said.

 

I said, “that’s what gets you keys to the car. That’s what gets you a later curfew. That’s what gets you these privileges where I know that I can trust you and that gets you more freedom, which is really a life principle.” So I let her know how much I trusted her and loved her, appreciated her goodness and her maturity and the way that she worked this out. Believe me, we’ve had conversations that have not been anywhere near this mature. Both her and I.

 

So full disclosure, but I’m, I’m sharing this because it really was a great teaching experience from above that I felt like I was getting taught and so those are a couple of things.

 

The three things that I learned from this one was to just sit and listen and really listen and let them be candid.

 

And the second thing was be able to ask a seasoned friend someone that you know you can trust what they’re saying, not someone who’s going to agree with you. No, no, no. Someone you know who’s going to give you that candor and wisdom that you need to hear as a parent.

 

And then lastly, the trust and love you. You got to express trust and love. Now remember I always say trust but verify, right? We don’t blindly trust we trust but we let him know, go to verify this, right? And that’s a great thing to also encourage them to be trustworthy. But those three things were really huge to me.

 

Now I’ve shared some of the things that were woven in and those other feelings, thoughts I had like stay the mom course and I will say one more thing on that. Again, you are the adult. You are the advocate for them. You are the one that has been down the road and can see five steps down the road and it is your responsibility and stewardship to let them know and have clear choice for them that they see where something leads.

 

You can help them understand, well I can see what you’re saying. Let’s look at where that leads. Where does that take you? Where does that ultimately get you to, and this is so important that you stay that mom course that you, you know, you can change approaches, you know you can compromise on details, but those core principles that you know is going to–are going to help them now in, in their future to be truly happy and to have opportunity paths open to them.

 

That’s what’s crucial because there will come a day when they come back to you and say, you were the adult. Why didn’t you do better? Why didn’t you show me and tell me better? Even if I would have backed away and said, no, I’m not doing it. Why didn’t you give me a clear choice? We are not their friends per se.

 

We are their parents and we have a responsibility to model that faith-based, value-based, living the best way that we possibly know how to do it with integrity and kindness, excuse me, respect and joy and love to the best of our ability. And we have a responsibility to help them be able to get them on that path, to help them do that very same thing.

 

And if they want, I’ve told them over and over, when you’re 18 you don’t want this, Eh, the second you turn 18 you could say I’m wearing whatever clothes I want and I say, the world is yours, but I know I’ve done my job. I know that I’ve been true to what I think is the best way to help you move forward in life. And where I’ve done wrong, I apologize, but I want you to know that’s where my heart has been.

 

And I think truly I feel like if we can say that to our kids at the end of the day, we can sleep well. We can have a peaceful conscience and I know that that helps me have that. Now they may come back with a laundry list of things and my absolute response and bottom line baseline response to everyone in my children as well. Here’s 3000 for therapy and I’m so sorry. Hope it goes well.

 

I jest…kind of. But letting them know, listen, there’s no real handbook care except for scriptures and prayers. So I am doing the best that I can, but I hope you’ve learned something or gleaned something today or something sparked even. It has nothing to do with what I said, but something sparked for you as far as parenting children and it could be any age, but parenting in a way that helps to engender trust and love and kindness.

 

In the last couple of days I’ve had the sweetest texts from her even when, again, this morning of just thanks for your patience and understanding and, and coming in last night before she went to bed, thanks so much for working with me and helping me and helping me understand some things and really talking with me.

 

Wow! I just went to bed so happy. My heart was so full. I mean it’s again, not always like that, but those moments, parenting gold, and that’s what we’re after because those are the moments that really solidify those switch points of she’s on a good path and she’s, she’s going down the road.

 

Don’t go down that track a little farther in a good way. And we’ve had connection, we’ve had love, we’ve had respect, we’ve had understanding, and that’s at the end of the day, that’s the keeper.

 

So hopefully you’ve learned some things. I’d love to hear what was important to you and love to hear anything that you want to share, your parenting tips, we would love to learn from them.

 

As always, if you want more good stuff, sign up for my newsletter on my website or you can get juicy, good stuff in my free masterclasses. Go to conniesokol.com. As always, you can go to a social media, any major social media, and I’m there under Connie Sokol. And if you want more juicy, wonderful podcasts, just click on another one today. Remember, make this your year to get Balanced Redefined.

 

Hi, I’m Connie Sokol and thanks for listening today to Balance Redefined. Don’t forget to rate and subscribe and if you liked it, get even more life shifting. Learning with my free masterclass on Balanced Redefined Express, get clarity, purpose, organization, and joy in just six weeks. Register now at conniesokol.com/masterclass.

The post Balance reDefined Radio Ep. 48: 3 Ways to Handle Tough Issues with a Teenager appeared first on Connie Sokol.

Balance reDefined Radio Ep 47: 3 Benefits of Intentional Creation Every Day

3 Benefits of Intentional Creation Every Day

Hi, I’m Connie Sokol, a national speaker, bestselling author, program founder, and mother of seven and loving it. I’m reaching and teaching 1 million listeners to live a purposeful, organized and joyful life. You can too. So let’s go.

 

Welcome back to Balance Redefined, I’m Connie Sokol and have great things to share with you today about the benefits of the daily act of creation. Have you really considered that concept of: Am I daily engaged in the act of creating something? Something that is of meaning or value or bring some kind of feeling of happiness or fulfillment in my life? I don’t think we realize how much we engage in that act of creation of small, big things, medium, large, whatever, on a daily basis. I don’t think we realize the power that is in that in so many layered ways. So, for example, the other day, a friend of mine, it was a wonderful little celebration and she brought me this beautiful pottery bowl that she had made for me and it is so lovely and the colors and it’s speckled, it’s like a tan and it’s got speckled brown and it looked like it was from the store.

 

It had the ridges in the middle like a circle, you know, so it looked like it had been really shaped just by a professional kind of shaping machine. Anyway, I was so impressed and she’s just started pottery now, I’ve done pottery and I know that it looks like a beginner. And I said, what in the world? How did you get so good so fast? And she said I can’t even tell you. I didn’t know that I was even able to do this. And then I didn’t know how fun it was. She said it’s really my happy place. It’s so therapeutic. I sit down and I start with a lump of clay and then I just go into this other world of just creating and doing and it’s just magical. And now she has just found this new outlet for her that brings her such a happiness.

 

And that’s what I want to talk about today. The overriding benefits of, of this creation because we’re wired for it. It’s in all the things that we do and we actually engage in it and need it daily. But we have to be in some ways at some point intentional about how we go about creating. Otherwise, we’re kind of that just being acted upon. We have to be the ones that say, I want to create this. I am consciously creating this particular thing. And it could be anything. It could be making a meal or creating a presentation or a project or doing your yard or doing some kind of a, like for me, I do my books and I usually write nonfiction, but I love to write fiction and that’s kind of like my little happy place.

 

And so that’s the first benefit I want to go to is first of all that we’re wired for it. So really consider valuing and validating that this is really a key piece of our lives of intentionally creating. And how it shifts to even more fulfillment when we become more intentional about the way and, and the things we choose to create. So the first benefit is joy. It brings joy. It brings joy to ourselves. We have such a thrill in this newness of this creation. And when you think about all in nature and even the creation of the world, especially if you have the beliefs, when you think about everything is in these steps and, and what a joy it is that we get to engage in it, that there’s something absolutely fulfilling about taking sort of matter unorganized and creating something new that didn’t exist before. And again, whatever that is. Maybe it’s decorating your home or maybe it’s just doing some little vignette that’s um, at your office where you have something that’s motivating them or some kind of a, a little vignette for the season, whatever it might be that you are doing, this creation, it’s bringing you joy.

 

And just like my friend with the pottery, it didn’t matter really how it turned out. She was absolutely loving the doing of it, the creating of it. I was laughing ’cause the other day, like I said, my usual is nonfiction. Helping women and men and families be able to have lives of purpose, organization and joy. That is what I do. And that’s mostly nonfiction. My happy little therapeutic place is writing fiction. I love to write stories that have a bit of romance and have a bit of change of how these people came together and created change within one another for the betterment of both and everyone involved. And so it really brings me this happiness, this joy. But the fun, fun part, as any writer can tell you, it is not necessarily that the book is done. Now, there is an absolute joy that comes with a book being finished.

 

And if you’ve finished a book, you know that it is more of a sense of completion and, and relief almost that it is done. And then when you see the cover and you see it delivered or in the bookstore for the first time, you’re like, ah. It’s like you’ve just birthed the baby, right? It’s just really the, the fruits of your labor. It’s wonderful. But one of my favorite parts of writing a book is that beginning, that synergy, that the catalyst, the beginning am sparks of that. And the other day out of the blue, I had this plotline come to me for this cute, cute book and it was substantial, but it was fun. And so I, I started having scenes come to mind. That’s kind of how it works for me. I’ve scenes come to mind. So I started writing them down and then I would be driving and as seen would come to mind and I’m recording it on my voice memo notes and I am laughing.

 

The banter that is going on between the characters I love-that’s one of my favorite parts to write and I was laughing out loud. It was so fun. Now it’s a voice memo in a car. Has that even become an actual creation in the sense that it’s on paper, it’s a finished book and now people are reading it? No, but I can enjoy that. I can enjoy that. I have these sparks of creation and enjoyed the, the, the wonder of it and the actual creating of it that just brings so much joy and just like my friend with the pottery. So considering your mind, what kind of creations or act of creations bring you joy, small things, bigger things, whatever that is. What is it that brings you joy? Is that wrapping a beautiful present? Is it having a conversation with someone? That’s an act of creation. Is it being able to plant something? What is it that brings you that joy?

 

And then the second thing is that creation brings joy to others. I love, love, love the thought that we get to bring this joy to other people. I love this quote from C. Joy Bell, she says, “What multiplies is only up to us, whether it’s kindness or unkindness, goodwill or bad intentions, fear or love, whether it’s truth or doubt. What multiplies in our minds, in our relationships with others and our relationship with the perspectives about the world and our relationship with God in our outlooks and in our hearts. It’s all up to us. The power of multiplication is in our own hands.” Isn’t that beautiful? As we create, guess what happens? It’s multiplied. Our joy is multiplied. The joy for others is multiplied. The goodness in the world is multiplied.

 

I think about that first biblical commandment to multiply and replenish. It’s more than just having children. It is about multiplying and replenish with goodness and happiness and joy and light and make that the abundance in the world. Go out and create something that provides that. Doesn’t that just fill your soul with happiness and then we get to enjoy that act of creation again and again as it is multiplied. And I love this quote from Charles Dickens, he says, “the whole difference between construction and creation is exactly this, that a thing constructed can only be loved after it is constructed, but a thing created is loved before it exists.” So just like my saying, the story that I was creating, it’s loved before it even exists on paper and then it’s loved again when it actually gets into the existence of paper and then it’s loved again when somebody opens that book or reads it on their kindle and reads and enjoys that story and then it’s loved and enjoyed again when that person shares that story with someone else and say, Oh, I read the funnest book in it that Dah, Dah, Dah, and they share it again.

 

So multiply and replenish that joy with that act of creation. I love it. And then the last thing is it creation helps us see the purpose in the process. That benefit of creation is that we see there’s a reason for the steps in creation. There’s a reason why there were six days of creation and a day of rest. There’s a reason why we have frustrations and joys in that process of creation. There’s a reason for that. I think sometimes we fear the flaws. We fear starting the act of creation because we’re afraid it’s not going to turn out or turn out right.

 

There’s going to be, there’s going to be things that go wrong. We’re going to fail. It’s not going to succeed. It’s going to be embarrassing. It’s going to be yuchha, and I know from doing pottery, I’ve had a many a project, not that I went full force on it, but it was I a project that just look like lumps of clay that somebody tried to indent. Really. And so when you think about that, and even my children, when they did pottery at school, I still have some of their cups and things that I put my pens and pencils in and we laugh about their attempts, you know, of trying to do this. And then there’s the glazing and you never know how it’s gonna turn out with the glazing. You could have done a great piece and then the glazing goes weird. So there’s a lot that we don’t control in the purpose.

 

I mean in the process of creation. And there’s a lot that we do control that we can be intentional about. And one of the things we can control is not being frustrated to the point that we stop creating. That we don’t just go, well I did pottery twice and I hate it so I’m not doing it. If we say, you know what, this isn’t as fulfilling as I thought it would be. I’ll come back to this later. Great, but just to stop and start and we stopped because it didn’t turn out or didn’t go like we thought it would. That is not a good reason to stop creating. Creating just means maybe this isn’t something that brings me joy so I will go to something else that brings me joy and I’ll get that joy factor in. Maybe what will happen is I’ll expand in my abilities so that I can come back to this other thing.

 

That’s how I look at math. I loved math when I was younger. Sixth Grade, I had a teacher who was incredible and she did math packets and my friend and I just kind of, I dunno an unspoken kind of pact that we would go as fast as in far as we could with those, those math packets and oh my goodness, I jammed on those. We did so many and went so far that the teacher by the end of the year actually had to create new packets for the first time because we loved math so much. And then I got into, a year later I get into a class with a teacher who, bless his soul, I’m sure he didn’t realize that this is what was coming across, but everybody kind of knew him as a really mean and sort of a downer teacher. And my sister had been in that class before me and he had viewed her as being a little bit loud and kind of a rabble-rouser and that kind of thing.

 

The first day when he said my name, he’s like, oh, are you related to so and so? And I’m like, yes, she’s my sister. And he’s like, oh, you know, so I knew, oh, games were afoot, but I have to tell you the way that he taught and the way he kind of tried to nail you didn’t really help you succeed. And I have to tell you that really it was just not the best climate for growth for me. And I ended up just barely passing with a C and I did not engage in math after that at all, at all. To this day, I still don’t enjoy math. I maybe enjoy some of the graphing stuff that my kids do, but I still don’t enjoy math. And that’s my choice. It’s not just his, his deal. But I have to tell you and add onto that story that later, um, I happened to meet him in some kind of irregular environment.

 

I can’t remember what it was, but he wasn’t in his, you know, the things that he would wear to school at that time. It was like a shirt and tie and he seemed like a really nice man. Sad to say that he just didn’t really bring that across in the classroom. And this wasn’t just my perspective, this was most everybody, the kids knew him to be this certain way. And so, you know, it’s not, it’s not helpful for us to try something and then go, oh well, because that person was lame or this experience was lame. I’m not getting engaged in that creation at all. Just maybe put it on the shelf for a little bit and say, you know what, I’ll come back to that because I know there’s good in that. And, and I’ll come back to that. And these other things that I engage in will make me even more capable to be able to do, engage better.

 

So keeping your heart and mind open for more creation. So hopefully today you’ve had some kind of thoughts or ideas that will help you in your act of creation. Because again, I hope that you can understand that the creation isn’t a perfect process. It is, it is in its fundamentals. It is a perfect process, but we engaging in it is not perfect. In fact, there’s this other quote that I love, it’s uh, from um, Madeleine l’engle. She said, “I like the fact that an ancient Chinese art, the great painters always included a deliberate flaw in their work. Human creation is never perfect.” Isn’t that beautiful? It reminds me a lot of the Japanese artwork that can Suki, where they break the bowls and then they repair it with gold and they believe that it’s more valuable that way because it now has more character and it’s more beautiful.

 

And I really believe that, that we need to allow ourselves the enjoyment that I talked about, the joy of the creation process and not just try to get to the end result, the productivity of it, and then enjoy the process of it, the flaws, whatever it might be that will be included along the way. Just enjoy it, enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. So today I challenge you.

 

Choose something to intentionally create and then include the joy, find joy in the creating and don’t fear the flaws. Be able to know that this is all part of the process. And then comment below. I would love to hear your comments. And if you want more of these kinds of tips and principles, if you find value in this today and you’re feeling it in your soul, check out my free masterclasses. I have great life changing content that will make a difference in your life.

 

This is the feedback that I get all over the place and it thrills me to my soul. They are finding more purpose, more organization, and more joy in their lives just from listening to these free masterclasses. So check them out at conniesokol.com/masterclass and you can check those out. As always, you can sign up for my newsletter for the latest and greatest, my facebook lives that we put in those in case you missed them. The newsletter also sign up is at conniesokol.com and you can catch me on any social media. You can engage my facebook lives and in my groups Balanced Redefined Community, and if you’re in a program, remember go to the specific group that is for your program that will help you live that purpose, organized, and joyful life. That’s what we’re going for. That’s what we’re doing, and that’s what we’re enjoying. You can have and live that kind of life. So I encourage you, don’t waste a second more. Make the choice to make it today, to start living that purposeful, organizing, and joyful life today. So check out more information in the comments below and stay tuned for more podcasts on Balance Redefined.

 

Hi, I’m Connie Sokol, and thanks for listening today to Balance Redefined. Don’t forget to rate and subscribe, and if you liked it, get even more life shifting. Learning with my best selling books on Amazon from humorous decor content, seasonal to spiritual life hacking nonfiction too. Fun, romance fiction. I have a book for just what you need. So go to Amazon, search Connie Sokol, and check out the show notes for the direct link to guide you there.

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Balance reDefined Radio Episode 46: How to Recognize and Move Forward on Your Purpose with Toni Ragsdale

How to Recognize and Move Forward on Your Purpose with Toni Ragsdale

Connie: Hi, I’m Connie Sokol, a national speaker, bestselling author, program founder, and mother of seven and loving it. I’m reaching and teaching 1 million listeners to live a purposeful, organized, and joyful life. You can too. So let’s go.

Connie: We’re so excited you’re joining us again for more wonderful insights and wisdom and amazing women. Today, we have Toni Ragsdale who is one of my personal favorites. You don’t know her. You are going to get to know her fabulously today. We actually met by chance at the You Got This Women! Conference, actually a little bit before that. There’s some wonderful experiences and we’ll share that in just a minute, but what I wanted to share today with you and things that can apply in your life that will help you in some way and that will really help you make a difference is that very thing. I talked to a lot of women and they say, oh, I just feel like I have more of a purpose. I want to do something that’s more purposeful, but I don’t know what that looks like because frankly I’m scared. I’m scared to know what that could be. And I don’t even know if I’m capable of doing something like that. I just don’t want to get into something and bite off more than I can chew or I don’t even know if I have the skill set to do anything and I don’t want to fail at it. I don’t know how to go about it.

 

So I thought we talk about that today because Toni has had a fantastic experience with that. Hysterical and so good. And also we’ll talk a little bit about the whole focus of the You Got This Women Movement is to help women of all faiths deal with their life challenges through faith, family and community, and talk about some powerful experiences we’ve had personally with that together and also in helping other women be able to experience that because we all can use bonding together in that kind of framework.

 

So just to start off with sweet Toni, I would love for you to share, we got talking one time about this, how she had gotten involved in a ministry that she does with her husband, and it’s helping the homeless. And so I had expected that, you know, it was something that had this big beginning, a very official kind of starting and it’s grown into something beautiful and big; but it wasn’t like that at all. I thought she would be so “okay, this is my mission and this is what we’ll do.” But it was a very unexpected start, at least what I didn’t expect. So Toni, can you let us know how did that, start off?

 

Toni: The ministry that my husband and I have is called the Fill the Pot, and it’s been an existing now for 10 years.

Connie: Wow.

Toni:  And the first year I actually thought my husband was going through a phase really like a teenager got his hair buzzed off on the side, but it was because he lost his brother many years ago who actually was homeless and wants his brother passed away. He wanted to go out and onto the parks and the streets and talk to homeless people and to minister to them and show them love and encourage them. And so I’m thinking he’s feeling this mourning stage and that may allow him to walk through it. So this phase of mourning turned from one month to three months to six months. And then at the time while he was doing this, we had 13 people living in our household, my family, children, husband, my sister, her four kids and her first grandchild.

 

And we’re on one and a half income cause I worked part time and my husband worked full time and my husband wanted to go out, not just at this point, he didn’t want to just speak to the homeless, he wants a feed them. Our income was very minimum, but we were able to manage and I like to cook, I enjoy cooking actually. And he wanted me to make a pot of Chili like I always do. And so I made some Chili one day and he says to me, can you make the same pot of Chili, basically, I guess I talked to that, that same pot of Chili bag for tomorrow, so I can give to the homeless. And so I’m thinking a calm, um, people to feed. Yes, I don’t have enough money. Um, this man’s cheese, has literally slid off his cracker.

 

We don’t, we don’t have income. Like really what can we do? And so I go to the store and I get the tomatoes, the meat, and just kind of penny pinching this meal together. So I cook it to the best of my ability, I felt. And so then he comes over, he tastes like, oh, there’s your Chili. And he states to me, what is, this is the Chili you requested! He’s like, this is not your Chili. I say, yes it is. And then he’s like, this is not the Chili we use. We have, and I stated, “Oh well they’re homeless and who cares? They should be happy to get a meal.”  And then he just took a step back like he does and said, “Don’t you think it’s best that we give our best to people. Like God gives his best to us.” He said, “You think it’s okay to actually serve them this?”

 

And my mind is still stuck like, “okay, here we go. He’s going to hit it with the God thing,” and I feel bad about the decision I’ve made. And he know that. I call it the God won. And you know, I know he knows it works. And so I me, I got offended and I say that we have thirteen people in this house. The income, the bills and you’re running around here trying to feed people. So I thought my half -put-together, penny pinching Chili would be enough to suffice people that are homeless and my mindset actually went to how could they complain or be ungrateful when someone’s given them something. But again, that was a lesson learned and that for me about God, giving us his best. He doesn’t penny pitch us. He, he doesn’t give us half ingredients. He gives us everything we need order for us to be able to apply ourselves and to live sufficiently here in the world.

 

It’s a matter of how we maintain it as well as a lesson well learned from me. But that Chili actually changed my mindset on how I viewed my husband and what he was called to do because I was not on board at all. And it was very challenging for me in the beginning and what helped me to change my thinking is the Holy Spirit just showed me that when we are called to do something at church, we give it our all. A calling, but when it comes to our family, especially our spouse, we want to half-step. And so I decided to look at my husband as my calling and so now I view him as my calling, cause when you’re called to do something, it’s not an emotional thing. It’s not a feeling thing. It’s a duty. It’s a service provided unto God. And so anytime I don’t feel like I want to do something, especially with the ministry. I know that he’s my calling. I don’t give myself any other option and I do what God expects me to do.

 

Connie: Oh, I love that. And I love how you speak to that reality because so many women have the reality of the budget that comes in. They’ve got to make it stretch. I so been there. You got to make it work and make it fly. And a lot of times the other person doesn’t realize that you’re doing a lot of thin butter over a very hard toast.

Toni: SoTrue.

Connie: You’ll try to spread it around and I love that this was a real thing. You had to get real about it and go, you know what? We’re giving of our, our whole right here, not just extra. And I am feeding people in our home and that’s, we have a responsibility right here to the people in front of us. Nevermind others. But I love that you opened your soul to, “okay, what could that look like?” And obviously we talked about faith, family and community, you know, being an Interfaith Organization, looking to God and saying, okay, how can you help us here?

We have good desires. We don’t have to just figure this out ourselves. They’re your children. So what do you want us to do? We want to do this. Help us to make it happen. And I love that what started with, how many people did he end up starting with? Cause I was so floored about how when you saw that, and nevermind the fact that it dominoed into how you saw your husband and how that flourished, that part of your relationship, how beautiful is that that you saw that and came in with that support that, that it actually flourished. This Fill the Pot Ministry that started with him just talking to people. What happened from there?

 

Toni: We start, well he started, with approximately five or six people and it was just like donuts in the orange juice and encouraging them. And then, you know, they didn’t know the way to any man. It’s hard to get their intention attention. So that actually work. And so now any given Sunday we feed approximately 412 people.

Connie:Wow.

Toni: Without fail. And we never close. We’re always open on Sundays and we provide food, we provide, well always hot meals and most of the food is cooked on demand. And we have, um, an area where we cook the food that we have guys in the back working the grill. We provide hygiene, we provide clothing, shoes, underwear, feminine products, um, whatever it takes for someone to be able to survive while they’re out there on the street.

 

Um, we don’t think about what it is that we’re lacking feel. So one point out to us how much we have cause it’s easy for us to get comfortable where we are and the first time I thought about feminine products is a lady about eight years ago, she whispered in my ear that she wanted a Tampon, a feminine product and I was like, Whoa, wow, you’re feeding, but the basic everyday needs. Yes. And from there on I would just go to costco and to buy things to help supply the everyday needs.

 

Connie: I love that. And taking it as it comes. I think sometimes women don’t want to start something with something because they feel like, oh if I do this then I’ve got to get healthcare and mental care, all of this. And then we make something simple into something huge.

Toni: Exactly.

Connie: This is so reminiscent of Mother Theresa and the way that she said where she said, we don’t look any farther. Then how can we help them? She worked with, you know, the dying and the terminal. Don’t look any further than giving them dignity in the experience that they’re having right now and taking care of those needs they have at this moment. And, and I think that is so powerful. They feel loved. They have those needs taken care of. They know they have somewhere to go. And now you have a building. I mean this is incredible.

 

Toni: Yes, the building. Um, a blessing. It was an overwhelming blessing. I, um, my husband vision was always to go and have a dwelling. And when you’re in a park for nine years, rain, sleet, snow, hail. You just don’t think about it. Well, I take that back, you think about being inside when it is raining or when it’s snowing. But then once we were inside of the building, I didn’t realize how much it would take to keep up with the building. And we’re like a one, two man show on any given weekday. And so it can be overwhelming at times, but you know, when you’re called to do something again, you give it your best. God give you the strength. You just trust that and it keeps happening day after day. I’m actually amazed that I still get up and do it. I promise you. I’m like, oh my gosh, you’re crazy. You still do this? Yes I do without fail.

 

Connie:  I love that and that, those are two other pieces that I want to point out to the women that are listening that we don’t have to have all the answers and we don’t have to have it all tight and all the loose ends tied. We can just say, wow, I see a need. I’m asking for help and here you have a building that you hadn’t even planned on and the second part is it doesn’t mean it’s all picture perfect. It doesn’t mean that it just all happens and, and everything’s roses. It means that there are days that you go, what the, hey, why am I still doing this and I feel the same way. The other cofounders feel the same way about you got this. We love it. We love it. It’s almost like a child. You love them fiercely but they can annoy the tar out of you because there was all these details and you’ve got to get shoes for them and they won’t, you know, clean up the bathroom and yeah, so you’ve got these realities and that is part of the reality.

 

It doesn’t need to stop us from doing good and even if it’s just handing out, I know a friend of mine who works with homeless and she would just start out by going and she would go and hand out sandwiches and just to go to just people in the park and she’d hand him out sandwiches. She would say don’t give them money, but she said I’d have granola bars on me or something like that and I would just give them whatever I had. And I mean we want to be, obviously you want to be wise, but the bottom line is you see the need and you say, okay, this is the way that I can feel this today. You don’t need to feel guilty that you don’t have this three point plan in place.

 

Toni: So true. That’s just a part of society and the media and looking at what the Jones have and what they’re doing, but we don’t understand all the time what it takes to get to that part in life. Just because someone may look like they have a full course meal on the table every night does not mean that’s what’s happening behind closed doors, that God gave us all the strength, the ability and the knowledge and the fire in us to do what we’re called to do its just, sometimes we have to learn how to tap into that. Some of us just us just don’t know how to tap into that and when you have children and a husband, which is another addition to having children, your world becomes that. Yes, but once your kids are older, you have to try to figure out who Toni is. Yeah, I like what I desired. I like what the kids liked at one point I liked what the what the husband life, but every woman has a passionate her. Every woman has a calling in her. Every woman has a purpose inside of her. It’s just a matter of tapping into that. How do I find it and stepping out and trusting that God would carry you and he was show you where are you supposed to be yet when the time comes and sometimes it’s thought of leaving the house and just doing it.

 

Connie: Yes, and it’s step by step. In fact, that leads me to how we even met. I mean it was like we had had this conversation with the co-founder said, yeah, let’s put on a conference, you know, for Interfaith Women and then connected with you. And you had even written up a plan for a women’s conference, wasn’t that right?

 

Toni: Yes, yes, yes. I did. I about three years ago. So I was really upset when I, when you guys, I wasn’t upset with you. I was upset when God, that’s when I was like, God, how could this be happening? Why am I not a part of this great plan? You know, I proposed at this at least to two different people and how could this be? How come I don’t know them? And how if your universal, how come we haven’t connected. This was my thing like God, how could my plan that’s inside of me be with someone else and it was, and then now I’m looking at it right now when I visualize everything and think on the past, it’s all about timing. Yes. About timing. Because even when I presented my plan and I still have my proposal, the timing would not have worked at for me to do it, but God still know the desire of my heart and what, what did he do?

 

He allowed me to be involved with you guys to meet and to be in the midst of it and God to show me you don’t have to be upset, you just have to be involved. Now you have to be a part of the greater plan. Well, it’s not like he didn’t, he, it’s not like God excluded me from the plan because I believe now the plan and the purpose was so much more bigger than what I visualized. Yeah. But he’s actually lucky says that why step, step by step, I’ve taken one foot in front of the other and now that’s the everything that you asked do. No, that was no. Every once in their perspective places I’m where I should.

 

Connie: And isn’t that ironic because we felt the same way last year. Like we had no idea what we were getting into starting these conferences and the response that it would happen. And yet we’ve had to do the same thing step by step of wow, I don’t know if I can keep going and that he provides those ways. And so I love, I love that we, another point again is we may have our way of thinking of how it’s going to play out and how it should quote unquote play out, but if we’re open and if we’re meek and we stay with the driver, which is I want to make a difference. I want to fulfill my purpose. I want them to a purpose that I know is good and wise. If we’ll just go with that. He will unfold a vision so often that is bigger, better, faster, happier than the one that we started with.

 

Not that, that discounts any part of our planning or desires at all. Right. We just take our, our plant to him and he makes the garden and it’s okay. That’s exactly what he wants us to do. He wants us to have some thoughts and ideas and then bring them to him and he can say, I can make this even better. This is great. So I love that. In fact, that leads beautifully again to when you got involved. I didn’t know much about you. And then, um, I do have to say when we were at that conference, the day of the conference in here, you know, if you’ve listened to any of the other podcasts, especially the, the first one, when we talk about the origin of everything, but here we had been told it wasn’t going to be successful, blah, blah, blah. And then, you know, we’re lucky if we’d have 100 women and then the day of, we had 600 amazing women in that place was, I wish we could have bottled it.

 

It was, energizing and loving and wow and learning and people left danger. It was amazing. But as I, as we closed out that day, I will never forget that final prayer that you offered and really it changed my life. And I just want to end for a moment on just tapping into women who are listening, who are dealing with life challenges. We want to help them find their purpose. We want to help them move on it. And then as soon as they do, they’re going to get push-back. They’ve already got challenges in their lives that are going to make them think, I can’t do anything more because I’m just surviving right now. And it’s trying to lift their sights and say, God knows that. And whether you believe in God or a divine influence, a higher power, the universe, just insert that in.

 

But that is known. That is understood and that doesn’t need to stop us in fact we need to accept it. So that will push us out of where we’re at to take a step into that unknown. So I just want to ask you, has there been an opportunity for you or someone you’ve worked with through faith, family, community that you’ve seen that using one of those things where for me your prayer has helped me deal with some life challenges where it really taught me more deep aspect of prayer, of a really, really connecting with and trusting in him, not just saying my prayers, but as I always say to pray to pray as a mature woman. Is there something that’s happened with you in your life, whether it’s prayer or scripture or whatever, but one of those tools that’s helped you to be able to move forward in a way that you would know you couldn’t have done otherwise to be able to solve a life challenge for you or someone that you’ve helped?

 

Toni: For myself considering, um, I didn’t grew up in the most healthy childhood atmosphere. You ask any child, they’ll probably tell you that because it is the mantra of the day. All of us have a story, know all, have a story. But I didn’t grow up the most healthy atmosphere with the most healthy parents. And so by the time I wasn’t an adult, um, it took me a while to understand love and the fullness, real love, and to understand making a difference. And so for many years I didn’t attend church, but I when I finally got a hold of God in my life and I first heard the word agape love, unconditional love. And knowing that God loves me no matter what I’ve done in my past, which is so hard for so many women, I think a lot of times that we can move forward, we could be so much more successful in our emotional and our emotions, our mental state and our relationships.

 

If we learn that the past is just what it is and it should define our future in a positive way and we get so stuck on, I can’t because I used to. And so I’ve learned to not give myself any other option, but to look forward. If it happened yesterday, it happened yesterday. If it happened when I was 12 it happened when I was 12 if I was 15-20-25 I was 15-20-25 so I’ve learned to move forward and I’ve learned to trust myself and I’ve learned to be okay and I’ve learned to like myself so much as fight of what people say or think. I know my intentions, I know my mindset, I know my heart and I’ve learned to say I can’t please ’em all and the press there. Randy is one of my favorites. Favorite prayers is a things that I can change, change the things I cannot let it go and trust God.

 

But we all have a purpose. We all have a mission. We all have to dig deep inside of who we are and just move forward. Don’t give yourself any option because the enemy wants us as women to sit down. We’re so powerful. We are strong. We are the ones who turns his world upside down. We’re the ones who brings it in and out with the ones who make this possible. Yes, it makes it possible. And once we get ahold of that, oh man, we are unmovable. And I think a lot of women can learn and grow and come together as community. I know we say a faith, how does faith of whatever source works for you? That’s your foundation. But if how does faith were just enough, we would need to have women conferences because support is so we need those things to entwine a pull us together. And will you get a strong woman, a strong sister, whether she’s in the store, whether she’s at the stop light, whether she’s on the elevator that looks in welcome your presence. We can move mountains. So I just encourage us to know who you are and be okay with who you are and be okay with who are you used to be? And dig down and say, I have a desire to do this is step okay, step out and do it.

 

Connie: I love that. And that is so true. And I think those, those rocks in the road, those obstacles can often be walls and we have the responsibility to own and move them? And I love how you say that was yesterday. That was five years ago. Going back and digging it up, stop piling the rocks that aren’t even there anymore. They’re gone. They’re in the past. And so we either process and move forward or we’re going to stay stuck in. You’re so right. It’s up to us to move the rocks off the road because we’ve got to work to do. And whether it’s, you know, helping kids read at the school to do on a global pause, it doesn’t matter what matter. We fulfilled that because that is what creates that piece for women, that fulfillment that I know I did what I was to do today, no matter what actually got checked off the list.

 

I love this so much. Ladies, I hope that you can feel this, the truthfulness of what’s being said today and the, the spirit of that where, I love that Toni, where when women come together, miracles happen. It’s just, the way we’re wired and that’s why it’s so key for women to gather and you are so right. If we could just do it by ourselves, then why would we need it? But we do. And women especially are wired that way. And when you have, I think of that old washing well, you know when the women would come together and they’d wash and they’d talk and we are still needing a 21st century washing well where we have this, you know that we come together, we love one another, we see each other’s eyeballs, we rubbed shoulders, we, we put a name and a face to things that are going on and be able to deal with life challenges and say, well how do you do it?

 

Well, how do you do it? You know, feel that bullying though ladies, if you are feeling that desire, act on it. We have our, You Got This Women’s Conference March 23rd and it’s phenomenal. No, I bet you’re just talking again this morning about the light up or like we are so giddy about this. It’s just a literally you’ve got to be there in person. The energy that the area, the insights, and that’s the connection. The way that women at first they’re kind of in their own little space and then after two hours or all laughing and talking and then they’re walking each other out to the car. You know, and it’s like amazing though.

 

The experience is matchless, you cannot compare.

Toni: Exactly.

Connie: There is just nothing. I haven’t, I’ve been speaking for 20 years and I have not experienced anything like it. So if you’re interested in, come in again, go to, you got this women, it’s an -en, Yougot thiswomen.com get your tickets.

 

In fact, if you get them right now, you can get them for the cheapest price are going to be. Plus there’s lots of other goodies that you can access as well. So get them right now while they’re hot and they’re going like hotcakes, so get them out but truly gets your sister, your mother. We found that women came with some other women. They were able to sustain more changes. They were able to talk about it in that lingo after a conference because they had that same experience to draw from and go back through. Yeah. So it was just a great thing. So hopefully today you’ve gotten some great goodies. I know I have. Toni, I adore you. I love you. And she just inspires me every time. This even thinking about how you changed your life, your family’s life with how to Chili and how you’re changing other people’s lives every week, all the time.

 

With with that, just beginning and taking that next step, taking that next step and how you’re still changing more lives with the, You Got This Women, it’s incredible. Thank you so much for your time today. And for anyone who wants to help with fill the pot ministry, what would you like them to do to contact you?

Toni: You can provide my phone number.

 

Connie: Awesome. We’ll put it on the post so you can just give her a call or a text and you can find out how you can help. And this is in Utah, in the Salt Lake area. So if you’re interested in your local, feel free. If not, you can always donate to it. I love doing that because I feel like this is such a good and worthy thing and I know that every single penny is going to help them and so I just adore this.

 

Anyway, love you ladies and we just, I know we’re out of time, but wanted to say thank you so much, Toni, for being with me today and sharing these thoughts.

 

Toni: Thank you Connie. I love you so much. I really appreciate you.

 

Connie: You Bet. Oh, same back. Love you. And again, if you want to get tickets to the You Got This Women Conference or find out more about it, go to yougothiswomen.com thanks for joining us and stay tuned for more.

 

Hi, I’m Connie Sokol and thanks for listening today to Balance Redefined. Don’t forget to rate and subscribe and if you liked it, get even more life shifting learning with my facebook where you get more life hacks, experts, community and connection. Join us and add your voice today at facebook.com/conniesokol.

 

The post Balance reDefined Radio Episode 46: How to Recognize and Move Forward on Your Purpose with Toni Ragsdale appeared first on Connie Sokol.

Balance reDefined Radio Podcast Episode 45: 3 Steps to a Life Shift

Hi, I’m Connie Sokol, a national speaker, bestselling author, program founder, and mother of seven and loving it. I’m reaching and teaching 1 million listeners to live a purposeful, organized, and joyful life. You can too. So let’s go.

 

Welcome back to Balance Redefined. I’m Connie Sokol and again, I’m so happy you’re back for more fabulous stuff. Today I’m talking about three steps to a life shift and that’s so key, we’re not just making a change that would change is a very good thing. We are actually wanting to shift ourselves shift in some way, whether it’s physical or organizational or relational or financial, but you’re feeling in your soul this desire to uplevel, to do things differently, to be a better person than you’ve been before, and a lot of that feeling comes from knowing that you are likely living below your potential. It may be that you’ve been able to coast for a while and it doesn’t feel like coasting because it’s crazy busy and you’re going like a little hamster on a wheel, but your soul is not feeling fulfilled.

 

Your soul, which is wiser than our brain, I believe is the thing that’s tapping at you and saying, by the way, remember you wanted to do those really important things and contributing that really important way and fulfill your deeper purpose and so, hello, I’m still here and would love for you to be doing that and that knocking on your soul, that rumble in your soul, those things are to pay attention to because they’re going to help you look at life through a deeper lens. We can all end up being on a sort of an automatic gear. We get to a place where we know what to do at work. We know kind of how things go at the house. We know what happens with certain friends. We’re very familiar, very comfortable. There’s nothing that really jars us out of it except for crises or big problems, but even the smaller ones, we can kind of move along and even the bigger crises, we know they’re coming and for a moment they take our attention and they give us.

 

The opportunity can create a vehicle to uplevel. And then if we decide not to, we slide back down into that automatic abis ever been there. Okay. So that may be why you are wanting to know more about how do I get into this mode of life shifting? How do I move out of automatic and really create meaning and purpose in my daily life and really look at what it is that’s bothering me and not making me feel fulfilled on a daily basis.

 

So the first thing is to define your quality of life. And that may seem like a pretty simple thing. Hey, I know I want a good quality of life, but what does that mean? I have coached women for many, many, many years and what I find often is that they will say, oh, I just can’t take it anymore. I just don’t like the way this is going.

 

I don’t love my life, I don’t like my life. But then I’ll say, well, what is it that you do want? And they’ll throw out some different pieces, but they really haven’t been able to define their quality of life. And added onto that. They couldn’t really tell you what about their current life makes it a quality of life for them because we’re all living to some degree with things that make us happy or that are good. Otherwise, we’d be doing it differently years ago. So there are parts of our lives that are already good and I firmly believe there’s lots of parts of our lives that are very good that we just don’t see it through that lens, and what’s beautiful is when we take a moment and define that quality of life that we’re thinking about or wanting or there’s that rumble on our soul that saying there’s more for you.

 

When we start to finding that cookies to a donut, you’ll find that a lot of times you’re already living a high quality of life. You’re already living so many elements of what you didn’t realize you wanted because you finally defined it. There was one woman that we were coaching in the 12 week Balanced Redefined Program and she started off, you know, we always have them take a pre and post evaluation so they can see where they’re at in different areas and life fulfillment in different things like that. And she was at a seven, which usually across the board women are about at a four and that’s where they come in. Sometimes they’re at a two or three and we ended up taking them to a nine or 10 which is fantastic and amazing. That’s why what we do works. It’s fabulous. But she was interesting because she tested out at seven she evaluated at seven and I thought that’s interesting that she wants to do a program when most people would say, you know, 70% is pretty good quality of life.

 

But she felt the rumble in her soul and one of the beautiful things that happened to her in the program is that she was able to define her quality of life to a degree and in a way that she stepped back and saw that she had a beautiful life. And that what some of the things that she was doing that what was keeping her from really feeling that were some specific choices that she was making. And that could be changed very simply by making some belief shifts and some paradigm shifts. And as she did that, which was quite simply done as she did that she came to a 10! A 10! Where she is waking up in the morning and saying, Bill, yeah, loving it. And she had this enjoyment and savoring of her life that she had worked so hard to create, not realizing it was right within her grasp.

 

It was right there before her. Have you ever experienced that? Maybe you’re on vacation, you’ve worked so hard to get to this vacation and then you’re like a day or two into it, novelty’s worn off in a sense and then suddenly you’re like, k, what else? You know, and that’s that feeling of, wow, did I miss out on something? Did I not do this right? A lot of the time it’s because we haven’t defined our quality of life. So I want you to consider how can you have a meaningful mindset? How can you define that quality of life? Start writing some of those words that help you know that that’s what you’ve achieved or that’s what’s in your working life already. What does that mean to you? A quality of life. What does that look like to you? Those are some good things to ask yourself.

 

Okay? The second thing is to own your life. Now you might laugh and be like, well yeah, it’s my life. So yeah, I own it. No, so many people that I talk to feel victim, feel that life controls them, feel that other people control them, feel that they don’t have a choice. Now, there may be elements of truth there where people are ex, um exercising, controlling behaviors over them, but we ultimately have a choice. We have a choice and that’s one of the key pieces of owning your life. And the second piece is knowledge. Because you’ve got to know new things. You’ve got to know- not just for the sake of knowing new things. You’ve got to know new and better ways of doing your life. That’s what I mean. You’ve got to know that there is a better way of doing that. A better way of organizing, a better way of doing fitness, a better way of relating to your spouse and your children.

 

A better way of setting healthy boundaries. There is a better way if it’s not working for you right now. And so as you get that knowledge, then you have choice. And what happens when we make a choice to stop doing it the same way and expecting the same result, but instead choosing the brave choice of doing it differently to make it better. Then that equals wisdom. That’s where we get the wisdom. We’ve used knowledge, we found out answers, and we’ve applied it to our lives to make a choice, and now we’re experiencing wisdom. That’s what we want. So how are you owning your life right now? What parts of your life aren’t you owning? What parts of your life are you blaming someone else for? That’s so comfortable and easy to do? Isn’t it so much easier now?

 

It’s her deal. You know we had this terrible blow up, but you know, you know how sensitive she is. You know how she can just be as though biggie. It’s so easy to go to that default. Now, there may be elements of truth there that that person is sensitive or picky or whatever, but your ownership of your life will now create a change in the way you interact with that person. That’s what this is about. You want to own your life so that you develop it. You create it, you live it, you love it, you savor it and you contribute in it so that the end of your life that you say, I loved my life.

 

This was a wow. That’s what we want. We want that joy, that depth, that breadth, that height. We want all of that feeling of, I had a sublime experience. That’s what we’re after. I love this concept and this idea of being able to get true knowledge as we have knowledge of truth.

 

That’s what gives us true choice. And there’s another Gal that I was coaching with my coaching director in our program because I do trainings on different programs, on certain programs. And with this one gal, you know, she was dealing with a very difficult situation where she has a special needs child, she has a spouse that sometimes doesn’t understand what she’s trying to do and move forward. And it was just really difficult. A lot of demands on her time, energy, and emotional stability, being able to stay calm in a storm and with the principles and practices of her first and foremost, owning her life and having to set healthy, clear boundaries saying, no, this matters to me and I’m going to do this program. I know that I need this. She took that brave bold step. Now, whatever that is for you, just think, what is this?

 

I want to read that book. I want to take that, do the exercise program. I want to do whatever that is. She took a bold step and because she did that, she lost six pounds. She revised a novel. She was able to um, do better with the scheduling of her children at home. She revised that entire schedule. It was amazing the things that she experienced. And even just because we do our coaching, we do it with zoom. I can watch her develop and change and she is just looking beautiful. She’s a beautiful woman. But you know, when you feel beaten down by life, you don’t feel beautiful. And sometimes you’re just your face and your energy just feels so worn and just you’re worn out. And so it’s so joyful to see this. So lovely. So again, consider how are you owning your life? Are there areas that you could own your life in a better way, in a way that would move you forward?

 

And one little suggestion I have in that is about your environment. Now I have another podcast on environments, so you can check that out. It’s from the book. Um, Willpower Doesn’t Work and that’s from Benjamin Hardy. It’s wonderful, but you can check that out. But just on the environment, it is so impactful, the environment that we create in our lives, the way we invite and create our home environment, our work environment, our car environment that people we choose to bring into our close environment. All of this matters. So I would ask you about owning your own life. If you’re feeling like you don’t have control, I would ask you to step back and look what you can shift in your environment.

 

Now the third step is to take a step. Very simple. Once you’ve defined your quality of life and now you’re taking ownership for your life and you’re braving pushback and you are saying, I know who I want to be and who I am, and even if I don’t know what exactly I know that I need to find out.

 

As you do that, you take a step, you take a step. You don’t settle into those fears. Fears are going to be in your life forever. If we really wanted to live in a lens of fear, fears would, would keep us in bed every day from the moment you put toothpaste in your mouth, is this killing me? Is this causing cancer? Right? Everything that you put in your mouth all day long to the air that you breathe to the car that you’re driving to the crazy drivers on the road. Every single moment could keep you paralyzed in fear or you can flip that coin and it’s just as valid, where in fact it’s more valid because the fears are, remember that acronym, it’s false evidence appearing real where it’s not real. It hasn’t happened. So the other side of the coin is the true concepts, which is you can see all the good, see all the possibilities, see all those things that yes are present and then the possibilities that haven’t happened yet, which are possible, which are yours for the taking. Yours for the making happen.

 

So just know those fears are going to come. I was just asked to be on a TV show the other day and we were talking about this concept and it was so sweet because one of the hosts, there were three women hosts and we all have different ages and stages of children. She has the age stage where they’re kind of like 7-8 to about 14-15 so in that kind of middle of the road kind of thing. And she has been working and now she’s trying to make plans to just come home for the first time and she’s, she was like, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I keep doing this push back and I’m not sure what’s wrong. And it was so funny as we’re sitting right there and I coached her right there, I said, yeah, it makes total sense. You are upleveling, you are moving out of your zone of excellence into your zone of genius and you’re upleveling and now you’re getting that up, that upper level problem that Gaye Hendricks talks about and you are experiencing that because now there’s unknown.

 

] Now that it’s this new experience and you don’t know exactly how it’s gonna turn out, you don’t know exactly what it’s going to be to face and you know what’s comfortable. But you know that you’re still not comfortable in this older space either. It’s gotten to a pitch where you have to cross over that line. You have to jump that fence and so those fears are going to absolutely materialize, but if you know that now you can be prepared against that. So when you take that step, know, that those fears are going to be the first thing to welcome you and just have your tool belt. I talk a lot about, that’s why I do these podcasts, giving you tools to put on your life tool belt. That’s why I do programs, giving you tools to putting your life tool belt so that you will be able to use them to move forward in your life.

 

That is what is so key, and so it was wonderful because she was able to start seeing that she had this. I said I bet you have a fear that you’re going to be home and you’re going to become a robe wearing jello brained woman and you’re not going to go anywhere. You’re not going to do anything. You’re not going to have any meaningful conversations. As she was basically saying, yeah, you’re right. Like I don’t. I think that’s what my fear is. And I said, now you know what that fear is. You can take care of that. You can put plans in place, you can take care of it. Take a step. So think about that. I always say to women, if not now, when? That’s an anonymous quote, if not now, when? When are you going to make that step? How long do you have to be in pain?

 

How long do you have to tolerate what you’re tolerating and be in this limbo place where you’re not in any space of contentment or peace or fulfillment until you make a step until you say, I’m ready for a shift even when I’m not ready for a shift. So take a step because making that move, taking that step shifts everything like a Rubiks cube and everything else has to shift and that’s beautiful. That’s exactly what you want because then even though you don’t feel you’re prepared to face all the fears you have to deal with or all the plans are all the details. If you take that step, you already put that change in motion so that things can be working for your good in life without you even knowing it, without you even realizing connections are being prepared, doors are being opened just because you started the whole process by opening that door, by taking that step on that path, it’s beautiful thing.

 

So hopefully you felt a little bit of joy, a little bit of movement, a little bit of I want to make, a life shift. Yeah, because do it. Define your quality of life. Find the ways that you are not owning your life and shift that do start owning your life and find the ways that you can take a simple, small step that is successful, that helps you feel like I am moving forward in the way that I want to go, even if it’s scary. Overcome those fears by taking a decisive action. As you do that, those doors were open and it’s a beautiful, incredible thing. I see it all the time. Like I said, as I work with these women, we have the six week program and the 12 week and I got to tell you, it is incredible that even at the very beginning, just taking that step, just opening that first lesson, just opening up their first bonus download that they already are saying, oh, I’m already seeing and feeling a change.

 

It’s because of that fundamental truthful step that takes you into that better space that you want to be, so make yourself a promise a day and do one of these things that I’ve shared with you. Meanwhile, if you want more motivation, encouragement, goal, my social media, any major social media, look up Connie Sokol and I am there. I’m here to give you thoughts, ideas, facebook lives, lots of juicy, wonderful things to help you know how wonderful you are and to keep living and moving forward on your ideal life because you can do it. You can redefine your balance. I have shown that for over 20 years. You can do this. It’s not for the chosen ones. You can actually make those changes and you can do them, especially when you have those truthful principles and practices. I so encourage you to do that. If you’re interested in knowing more about these things and go on my website, ConnieSokol.com and you can check out my masterclasses, I have free masterclasses and you can get more wonderful scoops so that you can put them into practice starting today. That’s the whole goal. Start it now why wait, right? Your ideal life is just sitting there pulsing, waiting for you. So just take the step and do something. So again, if you want to check that out, it’s Connie Sokol.com would love it. Meanwhile, if you’re lovin’ these podcasts, then click on another one and continue because this is your year to get Balance Redefined.

 

Hi, I’m Connie Sokol and thanks for listening today to Balance Redefined. Don’t forget to rate and subscribe and if you liked it, get even more life-shifting learning with my youtube channel with fabulous, upbeat content on everything from family relationships, work life balance to organization, joy, and fitness. Get short or long episodes for while you relax, clean, or work out. Go to youtube and search Connie Sokol.

Balance Redefined Radio EP: 41 How Not to Get Sucked into the Less Than Vortex

[00:00] Hi, I’m Connie Sokol, a national speaker, bestselling author, program founder and Mother of seven and loving it. I’m reaching and teaching 1 million listeners to live a purposeful, organized, and joyful life. You can too. So let’s go.

[00:16] Welcome back to Balance reDefined. It’s Connie Sokol and today I have a major vulnerability and live rant to share. Okay, I don’t usually share these kinds of experiences, but today this one is literally one of those for the books that I just think how in the world that that happened to me. ‘kay. So let me explain what happened. So I have a dear friend who we kind of touch base now and then and I love what she does. She’s always helping women and she’s just so upbeat and so wonderful and just kind of in a lower limelight way, she doesn’t like, you know, parade it around and stuff, but she’s got a very active blog and she’s just wonderful.

[00:55] Anyway she’s just a great lady. And I happened to see on this, um, it was either a post was that post or newsletter thing. Anyway, I click to it, but it said, hey, I was featured in this magazine. I couldn’t even believe it and or this online article, and it was about spotlighting women who really crushed it in 2018 and I was like, yes, she is finally getting her Kudos. Not that she needed them, not that she was looking for them, but I was so happy and I wanted to read more about it and I was so excited for her, but thinking maybe we should go do lunch and I can like take her lunch. Okay, so little side note here before I share what happened next. You know, if you know anything about me and you’ve listened to any of my podcasts, you know that I love good women, I love them, they do amazing things and I am, my whole life’s work is helping women and families, helping them to find their purpose and fulfill it.

[01:43] Helping them to get those organization systems in their life so they can actually spend more time doing the things they want to do. Getting that joy woven in and through and around their lives while they’re doing it. Being the one that’s, you know, massaging their shoulders and telling them you’re doing awesome and you got this and you’re amazing. And helping them to hold up a beautiful mirror and say, can you see the good that you are doing? Okay, this is me. Okay. Like I’ve actually been told I am a woman’s cheerleader. Okay. Breathless proving. I just want you to know like this is the thing, it’s clearly official with even like a pseudo title that I love to celebrate fabulous women. Have I established that clearly enough? Okay, so this does not diminish me at all when I am celebrating such said women. Okay, so back to this little online articles.

[02:25] So I start reading this article and I’m smiling, I’m filled with joy and buttercups and then it hits me. It is by woman number five to have like 20 women they’re spotlighting by woman. Number five, I start feeling this wave of Yuck, like I was in fact a total complete loser. Like not just your usual. Wow, they’re amazing. And I’m not, not that, but it was this overwhelming your’re so in caps lame. You don’t know what you’re doing. You don’t even know tech at all. And by the way, what did you do in 2018 like these thoughts, I cannot express to you how strongly, how clearly they were playing in my mind and they felt so real. You know those moments where like in one instant you went from feeling healthy and disciplined and spiritually in tune and loving and wow, let’s rock this day. Let’s rock this year to suddenly like, where’s my ritter chocolate bar?

[03:22] Were, did I stash those Christmas cookies? You know what I’m saying? Like really it was night and day and I started going to this, well who needs a workout? And Yeah, you know, I could be sleeping this year, so who needs this? Oh, it was terrible. I cannot even express the reality of this feeling. It was so strong and yeah. Okay. So I have these kinds of feelings, not to this depth, but I have these kinds of feelings, you know about every three months when we’re rolling out a new project, like we’re rolling out a new program and I’m all like, you know, hyperventilating, all the different details that have to be taken care of him. He could sure this is just so, and it was, you know, it’s all those, those feelings of the potential. What if people don’t really think it’s worth it and it’s worthwhile.

[04:02] Even though I have all the stats to prove and the Beta testing and all that, you know that idiosyncrasy kind of low self esteem thing that you kind of go through in this little cyclical process, man, say that five times fast. But you know how you can go through those kind of cycles and, and you kind of, it’s expected and you go, okay, I know what this is. It’s like that neighborhood stray dog that annoys the tar out of you, but it comes around every couple of weeks and you’re like, ah. And then you go, you know what, okay, I’m just going to give them a little bone thing and then he’ll go and he’ll go off to the next neighbors, make the rounds and he’ll be back in three weeks. Okay, it’s fine. So with kind of like that, but no, this time it was really, really strong.

[04:38] So I just want you to know it was, it was one of those crazy moments that I’m just like, I don’t even know what I can do with this. I don’t know what to do with it. And I was only just becoming aware that I was feeling this and that wasn’t real because then the next thought that came, thankfully this next thought kind of came through and pierced that dark cloud and it gave me this thought of, “yes, let us look at what you did this last year, shall we?” And it was the soft, sweet kind of thought and then like a ticker tape going right through my mind. I start seeing super fast, all the things that I had done in this last year. Okay, let me just give you, this is not like, Whoa, listen to me. I’m telling you for a point, so stay with me.

[05:19] Okay, so while raising four children at home, ‘kay in three different schools, mind you and getting another one ready for other things, for future endeavors, right? Keeping my focus on family first, which is a huge job right there. ‘kay. In the business side, I rebranded my entire business new website pictures. Do you know the choreography for trying to do pictures alone and do them in just one hour? Yeah. Do new systems and set up. I created an Interfaith Women’s Conference with, they said it wouldn’t even work and we had 600 attendees. Then we even did a mini conference followup version, so it was more intimate and that sold out and created a nonprofit organization from it because it was unbelievably wonderful and then an incredible board of amazing women, diverse, successful, incredible women from our community and then created a lifelong dream of my 12 week online program.

[06:10] Started a new podcast and hired a new amazing core team for my business and company. Okay. That’s just on the business side.

[06:17] Okay, so let’s see about the personal side, shall we? Yeah, Hashtag who you call him a loser. Okay. So successfully helped my children flourish through post divorce with some coping skills that were incredible and useful with beautiful experiences doing their homework and life help and the Mama, I’m right here for you love and keeping it together personally during all of this. Okay. Most days. And then helped my daughter graduate from high school with honors. ‘Kay. Honestly, she did most of the work, but I was there for those tiers and moments. Okay. I’m just saying secure scholarships and then get college acceptance to her top three schools. Right. Helped her create and then fulfill this Nanning experience in France, which was incredible. And then helped her prepare for a church mission call, which she wanted to do and she received at to France Leone.

[07:05] Okay. Can have to go pick her up afterwards yet did I mentioned that, but did I mention during all of these things? I also put meals on a table four nights a week, maybe five ‘kay because there’s the weekend we have to do Costa Vida, sorry, and no salesy thing. Through endless errands, dance competitions, reading in the classroom at all. Do I make my point? And in the midst of this successfully dealt with being evacuated from our home for the number one fire in the nation and handled it all without chocolate or binge watching anything. Okay. People, there has to be some kind of an award for this. All right? And then wrapping it all up, took my children to serve at a child’s hope orphanage in Mexico. Even driving there and back as a single mom, 10 to 15 hours each way and working all things to make it a beautiful life changing experience despite occasional complaints.

[07:57] Okay, I ask you, does that sound like I did nothing in 2018 hmm? Now this is not about, oh, who can top who and how much can I do in a year? I’m talking about this little voice that we allow in our heads as women. I want to remind you that I share this for one reason and one reason only. That in that soul debilitating moment of loser feeling, I literally believed I had done nothing of value this past year. What the, hey, how is it possible that especially that I teach women coping skills for this stuff, that I could let this happen. I got sucked in people. I got sucked into the less than Vortex Oh, how did I let that happen? And guess what? It took less than five minutes. Yeah. After all that I did in 2018 all that goes behind those sentences. You know what I’m talking about?

[08:56] I still let that happen to me in less than five minutes. What? Ooh, did I come back like a fighting Xena warrior. I’m telling you once I realized it, and you know when you get that moment where you’re like, oh no, you did not. You didn’t. Not Today, because I was like, that’s it. I am not going to go into that whole vortex of, oh, she’s so much better than me and I don’t do anything. Oh, my life is is nothing. And where’s the chips? Right? Which is what we end up doing. So my point today is ladies not, oh, just don’t go into the vortex. No, no, no. My point is be prepared for it because it will come, it will come. And that was my downfall is that I thought in my pride, I thought, Hey, I’ve been teaching this for 20 years and I have my moments.

[09:46] I have my little soft moment and I have those really downtimes now and then, but you know, I get back up and I know what’s coming, uh, did not even see this blindsided. So I want you to know that even if you’re the most amazing woman on the planet, which you likely are, you are going to have those sneaky unsuspecting moments that hit you like a ton of chocolate bricks. And you will feel less than a loser. Like, why bother? What I do doesn’t matter. Everyone else has it together kind of feeling right? And it’s going to seem so real. So do not get sucked in. How? Ma of course you know what’s going to come. I’m going to give you some tips. That’s right because I had to use them myself so they worked and so I’m going to share them because that’s my go to motto.

[10:28] If I do something and it works, I’m going to share it because I want to see what worked for you because I’m gonna sure try it one of these days cause mine’s not going to work next time maybe. All right, so try some of these.

[10:37] Number one, stop doing what you’re doing. Do whatever it is. I was on the social media thing. I was on the online magazine that I was reading. Just stop it. Then say shout, stomp out loud. I am a daughter of God. Now if you have other divine influence or the universe or other divine feeling as you know, I always say just insert it. I am loved and I am of infinite worth. And then if it feels real good, you can add so back off. Right. Cause that helps too. That’s number one. Does do that. Number one. And what that does is tell that little voice and whatever influence is trying to bother you, it just tells it ach ach ach not today.

[11:15] No, I’m aware. I know what’s going on and know the number two go back to truth, go back to truth. What you know to be true. Pray from your gut to God or whoever it is that you feel is that divine influence. Read scriptures, talk with a wise friend, do whatever it takes for you to get to a truthful place and see that feeling, that feeling of going back to truth will already start giving you that happy, peaceful place. That not that competitive feeling, not that discouragement any of those competitiveness, discouragement, doubt. And I’m in competitiveness in a, in a way that makes you feel like I’m going to rip their eyes off because I better than are I am totally a winner and they’re a loser. When that kind of competitive, no, that is not what we want. So go back to truth.

[12:00] Number three. List what you have done and who you have become. This is not about proving your value. Do not mistake what I am doing here. This is not listing it off and checking in and saying, Oh look, I did 10 beautiful things this last year so I have value and worth. No, this is to do what is one of the most frequent commandments in scripture, which is, you know, this one, remember there’s ask and then there’s remember, remember, why does he ask us to remember? Because we forget and in that five minutes, I forgot a whole 12 months worth. Okay. As a mother of seven, that’s not too hard to believe, but I did. I forgot. Can you imagine? Yeah, you probably can, right? You’re done there. If you’ve had children’s especially, but we’re to remember, we’re to remember who we are and what we’ve experienced and what we are yet to do to fulfill our personal purpose, to help others that fill their personal purpose.

[12:55] So as we remember, we get back to that truth. We remember that truth. We’d soak in that truth. We, it’s delicious too. As we chew on that truth and it becomes a part of us because we know that that is the truth. When I was able to list those things out, I could feel in my soul and no, this is actually what is true, not the first voice that was in my head. Okay.

[13:16] Number four, express gratitude. Okay. You’re probably going, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. If I read one more thing and listen on one more thing that says gratitude. Yeah, but guess what? It works. Yeah. It’s here to stay. Just start. No rhyme or reason or you’ve got to have some cool little thing or app or you got to have something that’s, you know, I do three or things are 22 things in one minute or whatever.

[13:36] No, just express gratitude for the people or the experiences or things. Things are wonderful. Hilarides, mundanity of life, whatever it is that comes to your mind kind of stuff. It doesn’t matter. This makes all the difference. And I did that too. I did that and I was able to start doing gratitude. And you know what? And the beautiful thing, and you’ll see this when you go through these moments and you use these tips and tactics, you fight back. Then you start putting it into your life all the time and it’s like, Ooh, this is a twofer. This is a bonus. Okay, I’m so glad this happened because now I remembered how important it was for me to do my gratitude minutes, not just every day, but throughout the day. So now I’m doing in the morning, I’m doing the afternoon, I’m doing the evening. So now I’m not just waiting till night for me to do my gratitude journal.

[14:22] I am having a focus, concentrated moments of gratitude throughout the day and I got to tell you, it is fabulous and not inconsequentially. I have not had one more of those moments of the voices in my head attacking me since I’ve been doing that. So I gotta tell ya it works.

[14:40] And number five, do a really, really long podcast or her really long ranty kind of post and you will feel much better. All right? Hopefully you will be able to feel and know from I shared that you can handle when this happens. You can go to the edge of that Vortex, but you don’t have to get sucked in. You might be there before you realize it, but you don’t have to get sucked in. And I think it’s fantastic that we can do something about it. So I want you to know that. Now I want to leave you with one final thought to rule them all because this is so important.

[15:11] As I was sitting there and thinking of these things, these other thoughts led up to this one final thought, but the thoughts that started coming to me where, oh my gosh, you know what? All women are doing so amazingly. Really, even when we go, oh, you know, she’s not doing great, or I wasn’t doing great last year, but I’m doing better now even when we don’t think we’re doing great. We are. We get up, we breathe and we keep our kids alive, right? I mean there’s an award for that somewhere, I’m sure too. So I just want you to know you are doing what matters most and you are valued. You are a woman of incredible divine, an infinite worth. You must remember this, every single bit of drool of diapers of dishes and that drama that you deal with matters and it makes your family and this world a better place.

[16:00] I promise you never ever doubt that. And just because society or a family member or neighbor makes you feel that your family and this world doesn’t really do anything or that you’re not very helpful or that you’re not amazing as you should be, or you don’t get a thousand likes, you don’t get a million subscribers or that you, you don’t do things that are of value, do not get sucked in because you can with your wisdom and your steadiness and your focus on truth. You can move forward each day and with love, with laughter and with light. You can do this with those focuses and those drivers and you can ignore the rest. So all of these thoughts were coming to me and then it culminated in one thought, one big Mama thought. That’s right. One thought to rule them all and it was this; Do Good.

[16:54] That’s it. Go about doing good and whatever the outcome is. And that’s different for everyone. Rejoice in it, delight in it. And if one day that involves creating a new program and the next day it involves taking a nap with a preschooler, then rejoice, have joy. It means that you have discovered the thing that matters most. And just because it may mean one day you discovered the meaning of life and the next day you’ve just discovered the missing shoe. It doesn’t matter. It means that you still know what matters most and you’re experiencing it today. You know that whatever you do really, truly, honestly does matter. And I want you to keep that in your soul so that the next time that sneaky other little influence comes prowling around to make you miserable, you stand like that Xena warrior, and you know for yourself what is true and what is not, and make it known that you know.

[17:47] Okay, so just as recap, Do Good. Don’t get sucked in. Focus on truth. Share your experience and stand like a Xena warrior. All right?

[17:58] People back to life as we know it with a joyful vengeance. And remember, if you want more of this good juicy stuff, please click on another podcast or take one of my free masterclasses, they’re free. Just hop on there and get more of these juicy life hacks. I want to see you even happier and more organized and feeling that joy and that purpose. Even if you’re the most stellar, organized and purposeful – PURPOSEFUL person on the planet. I just want you to know I’ve got even more for you to enjoy because that is my joy. So I hope you got something great out today. If you did, please comment below something that’s a takeaway for you. I would love to hear it and know it and then if you have something you want to share, the others could learn from, please post it below.

[18:42] If you want more information on Masterclass, #yes or just go to conniesokol.com and you can find it out there and if you want, you can always go on social media. I’ve got lots of posts, I’ve got lots of resources and articles and things and insights and wonderful people just to share with and discussed up. And it’s just so great. So go on any major social media, Connie Sokol and you will find me. I would love, love, love to connect with you. And as I mentioned, if you want more great stuff than just click on another podcast and get more Balance Redefined.

[19:14] Hi, I’m Connie Sokol and thanks for listening today to balance redefined. Don’t forget to rate and subscribe and if you liked it, get even more life shifting. Learning with my best selling books on Amazon from humorous to core content, seasonal to spiritual life hacking nonfiction to fun romance fiction. I have a book for just what you need. So go to Amazon, search Connie Sokol, and check out the show notes for the direct link to guide you there.

Do You Have Your One Word for the New Year?

You’re seeing a lot of posts about “word for the year,” plans for the year, and possibly even I-have-planned-out-my-entire-year.

DO. NOT. STRESS.

Having a “Loser Moment”? 5 Steps to Escape the “Less-Than” Vortex

Alert: vulnerability and MAJOR LIFE RANT post…

Ok, I don’t usually share these kinds of experiences like this, but today, THIS ONE was for the books.

Balance reDefined Radio Episode 39: Do You Need a JOY Day?

Listen on iTunes here:

BR Radio:  Do You Need a JOY Day?

[00:00] Welcome back to Balance Redefined. I’m Connie Sokol, and I’m thinking about joy. Are you needing some joy? Are you feeling an absence of joy?

 

[00:09] I sure have been recently and usually I am the queen of joy. I talk about it. I love it. I’m making it a part of my life.

 

[00:17] I’m teaching people how to live it and you know, it’s kind of like that cobbler’s son has no shoes where you are all involved in it and then you forget to use it as your go to when you get depleted.

 

[00:29] So that’s what was happening this week…

 

[00:31] I just wanted to share with you little experience with what I discovered about doing something different about joy to get that joy back. I have been feeling really depleted.

 

[00:41] Have you ever had a time in your life like that where you just… “eh”?

 

[00:45] I remember years ago I saw this magazine ad and it was the stretchy mom doll. So it was like kind of those stretch Armstrong’s from years and years ago, but it was a mom doll.

 

[00:56] Somebody was pulling on both arms and both legs and just stretching her like she was going to pop.

 

[01:02] And I’ve always remembered that because that is exactly how I felt. There was so much going on in home life, children, seasonal, then business, and then speaking and tv stuff, and just all of these different things.

 

[01:18] All of these demands and getting them done quickly so that when the kids come home, I’m all set, and I could be phase two with them.

 

[01:23] I just felt this click.

 

[01:25] I don’t know if you’ve ever had that where you just click and you’re like, “I’m done. I’m done,” and your body and your mind had been giving you some signals and they’ve been a little faint because you’re just going crazy and not like you’re crazy every day, but it’s just this consistent, persistent push.

 

[01:42] So if I was running around harried and sweating and all of that, it would be a clear sign to me and I’m aware of those. The more insidious for me is when it just keeps getting notched up and notched up and another plate is added and another plate is added…

 

[01:57] It’s not like six get at it at once and then I know…

 

[02:00] It’s one here, two there, da ta da… can you, would you, and then before I know it, there’s just plates that are starting to crash and I’m feeling like I cannot function.

 

[02:10] So have you ever been there?

 

[02:11] I just had that. I don’t even know how to describe it, but it’s almost like this click, like when I try to turn over one of our machines and you just hear nothing, it’s just the click of the key.

 

[02:20] You just go click and you know, there’s no more gas, there’s no more energy, there’s no more spark, there’s no more we’re done.

 

[02:28] And so yesterday or the other day, that’s how I felt was just this max out and the thought that came to mind…

 

[02:35] I had awakened early because I didn’t sleep well…

 

[02:37] I had awakened early and I was just laying there pondering and the thought came to mind, “You need a day of joy.”

 

[02:44] And I went, you’re right. That just was balm to my soul. I need a day of joy. And that was great. So I thought, how can I do this, how can I actually make this a day of joy? So I looked at my calendar for the day and it was stuff that I could actually put off to the next day.

 

[03:02] A lot of it, not all of it, but most of the things I really could delegate or put to the side just for that particular day. And I thought, okay, this is gonna work.

 

[03:11] So came downstairs with my kids. I got them ready and out the door for school. We do these things called scripture strips. So we pull a scripture strip and then we read it and it’s a scripture and then we say, what does that mean?

 

[03:22] So it gets them on that little bit of scriptural bent for the day, gets them a little injection there before they go little immunization and then they go out the door anyway.

 

[03:30] And as I read it, it was so funny because in my mind I was like, I was up and doing that. I thought, is it okay to do that?

 

[03:37] I mean, I’ve got these things and I really should get a jump on them. I should get these finished and not put off tomorrow, what I can do today, blah, blah, blah.

 

[03:43] And I pulled out the scripture stripping it said, “And as I partook of the fruit thereof, it filled my soul with exceedingly great joy.”

 

[03:52] “…And then I began to be desires that my family should particular but also.”

 

[03:56] And I just started laughing because I said yes, I remember I teach this. If I will partake of joy first, then it will naturally flow out to others and my family will have a happier mom. And so, so funny. So what did I proceed to do? I ate.

 

[04:12] I wrote and I mean I ate healthy too. I wasn’t even trying to. I said I’m going to eat whatever I feel like today. And my biggest splurge was hot cocoa with some Biscotti was so yummy, but I found that when I had this release, I really did want to do good things and eat good things.

 

[04:28] It was kind of funny, but I just let go of that sort of structure and paralysis of I’ve got to do and be and let’s go and get this done.

 

[04:37] So I read and I wrote. I actually wrote fiction, this one idea that I had on a book last week and I was like three hours, so happy. I was just entrenched in this beautiful fun story and it had me laughing. It had me teary.

 

[04:53] It was like, seriously, it was really funny that I’m writing this myself, but it was fantastic and then I binged watched a little bit of a hallmark movies, those cheesy Christmas movies and it was fantastic.

 

[05:03] I cuddled under my dubé. I scooted right under it and just…

 

[05:09] It was warm and toasty, and it was snowing outside. It was on the ground and the trees.

 

[05:14] And I thought this, this is sheer heaven…

 

[05:18] I want you to know those hours of doing that. It wasn’t actually very long because then my kids started coming home, but those hours were magical.

 

[05:27] They were magical and the energy that I got, I have to tell you, we think that joy is fluffy.

 

[05:34] It’s not fluffy, it is not a fluffy thing. It’s not an afterthought, it’s not a, “Well, I’ll get that and get to it, you know, after I get the other 622 things I need to get done today.”

 

[05:45] No, and I had forgotten I had shelved the impact and the pivotal nature of joy and had just kind of casually pushed it aside when I know better.

 

[05:56] I know this because that’s what got me through some of the most difficult times in my life and in fact, that’s where the joy challenge came from. So if you are wanting to do something with joy, feel free to take the joy challenge. It’s free.

 

[06:06] It’s on my website, conniesokol.com. Take the joy challenge. It’s 30 days of thoughts and views about joy and very simple things so that you can get joy in your life.

 

[06:16] Yes, I’ve taken the challenge…

 

[06:18] I took it so much. I wrote it. I made it happen and then actually created with my assistant this 30 day challenge. Then it became such a way of life that I don’t even think of as a challenge anymore and there in lay the rub because I had taken it for granted and was not being conscious about it.

 

[06:35] So remember that joy is actually the thing that will give you the energy you need and what were the results for me, having the joy day, I had energy, I found myself laughing, laughing with my children, and the fact that I recognize that I was doing that made me realize that I had not been laughing as much as I should have been. I was singing spontaneously, and we actually all enjoyed it.

 

[07:01] Who knows? But we were dancing in the kitchen. We were singing.

 

[07:05] I was spontaneously singing, like found myself singing a little cute Christmas song. I was like, what in the world? So I found this energy, this joy, this bubbling up that was coming and I wasn’t being snippy. Not that I’m snippy, but I was, you know, that little tone that you can get at 4:00 in the afternoon.

 

[07:24] Ooh, I did not have that tone…

 

[07:27] I was more happy about sitting on the floor and playing and actually decluttered my son’s toys. We decluttered them together. I said to him, “So what do you think about this one? What do you think about that one?”

 

[07:35] Whereas in the past I may have just waited until they go into school and then just picked them out for, right? Yeah. So it was a nice, awesome connecting time that we had.

 

[07:42] So I so encourage you to consider doing a joy day. Maybe you go, “Oh, I would so love that, but it’s just not gonna happen, sista.”

 

[07:52] And that’s okay. So do a joy 15 or a joy moment or a joy hour. And start with something now, if it’s a joy moment, then just breathe or rest or close your eyes or feel something good or experienced delight.

 

[08:13] Do something simple and then expand it to 15 minutes and then maybe 30. Then maybe just be wild and crazy and have a Saturday that you take an hour to do something joyful.

 

[08:26] I promise you, especially for women, if you will do this, you will be restored. It is this amazing restorative power of joy.

 

[08:37] You get back to happiness. You stop being so structured and so choreographing, which is what we end up having to do as women, wives and mothers because there’s so much and so many people that are we are the hub for.

 

[08:51] So I invite you. Find a way today to have a joy moment, a joy 15, a joy hour or plan…

 

[09:00] Take time right now and plan it in your week. I promise you that even in the planning, you will begin to feel joy because your soul is so hungry, so thirsty for that joy, that the mere mention that it’s going to get filled will actually make you happier in the process.

 

[09:19] And here’s the kicker. I did a little funny experiment. I weighed myself before I started my joy day and I lost a pound. Yeah, it’s true, and I actually noticed that I felt so relaxed that that puffiness that I get from my cortisol increase, that comes from stress, that it actually was less. I was not in that cortisol way.

 

[09:38] I actually think my body just needed rest and so it didn’t get all hyped up, so isn’t that funny? Now it could be just water weight, but I’m not going to go there.

 

[09:46] I am going to stick with the fact that yes, having joy helps you lose weight. Yeah. It must have been that hot cocoa and Biscotti. I’m pretty sure.

 

[09:54] Anyway, do the joy challenge or just pick a day, 15 minutes, a moment to have a joy day. Let me know and comment below what you experienced.

 

[10:05] I would love to know it and other people to learn from it. Also stay tuned for more podcasts and more balanced, redefined.

You got it. Thanks for listening and remember to rate and subscribe. And if you are feeling the need for real balance in your life, get your free 3-Step Life Plan, and get started today! Just go to conniesokol.com/download.

Balance reDefined Radio Episode 40: The One Minute Manager — the Behavior Key to Achieve Goals

Listen to the full episode on iTunes:

Balance Redefined Radio
BR 40: Book Bites: The One Minute Manager–The Behavior Key To Achieve Goals…

Hi everyone! This is Connie Sokol, and you’re listening to Balance Redefined Radio. I’ve spent over 20 years teaching people how to redefine what balance really is, meaning a more purposeful and joyful life.

 

They’ve paid off credit cards, lost weight, organize their homes, and created a meaningful life plan and they’ve managed their time, changed habits and experience greater success both at work and at home.

 

So now I decided to take the plunge and help about 100,000 new people who want to redefine balance in their lives. People ask me all the time, “How do I go from an overwhelming and chaotic life to more purpose and organization and joy?”

 

That’s the reason why I’m doing this podcast, to give you trusted answers and create a space where you could find balance. My name is Connie Sokol and welcome to Balance Redefined Radio…

 

[00:00] Welcome back to Balance Redefined. I’m Connie Sokol. I have some great stuff to share with you today on achieving your goals-not just talking about them, not just running them down, but actually achieving them. I read this information in the One Minute Manager. I love this book.

 

[00:17] It’s by Kenneth Blanchard and Spencer Johnson. It’s a go-to. It’s a classic. It’s timeless. I love this book…

 

[00:22] I was reading about how you set your goals and how effectively to set your goals so that you can actually achieve your goals.

 

[00:29] And there was this one concept that I really wanted to get across and make you aware of because it was powerful to me and has been a huge help in me successfully achieving my goals.

 

[00:40] So the first kind of thing I want to share to put this in a clear perspective and put it in a tangible terms is a story that I had heard before.

 

[00:52] It is a true story about a flight and airline flight. It was back in 1979 and it was a flight that was taking off from New Zealand and doing a sightseeing flight to the Antarctica. It was a flight that had been done many times before, so it was pretty routine…

 

[01:07] But what the people on the plane and what the pilots did not know is that somebody had accidentally modified the planes course and the plan by two degrees, just two degrees.

 

[01:19] So what happened is they are flying that two degrees, took them significantly off course and in fact in the path of an active volcano, but because everything was so white with the clouds, the ice, the snow, and the mountains that these pilots did not realize they were in trouble until it was too late.

 

[01:38] They crashed into the side of the mountain of the volcano and everybody on board died.

 

[01:42] Now, I’m not going to stay and dwell on that, but the reason why I talk about that is because that story stuck with me. I heard that years and years ago.

 

[01:51] It stuck with me of the importance of correcting our course trajectory and doing it quickly.

 

[01:59] Not waiting until we have dug those neuro-pathways and dug those emotional and mental trenches so deep that it takes so long for us to get out.

 

[02:08] It’s course correcting quickly.

 

[02:10] Yeah, try saying that three times fast. You probably can course correct quickly. So as we do that, we’re able to achieve our goals quicker, more enjoyably…

 

[02:22] I’m able to connect those goals to other goals because we can see, “Wow, I need to fix this here,” and then that dominoes into maybe two or three other areas we didn’t even anticipate, but it’s just that beautiful positive fallout.

 

[02:35] So keep that story in mind of quickly course correcting.

 

[02:41] I want to talk about what the book shares.

 

[02:43] Now the first thing to do is determine do you have an actual problem? And I love this in the book that is uses different storytelling formats to teach lessons such as Rich Man, Poor Man.

 

[02:58] But he says in here that the manager has come to him and said, “Oh my gosh, we’ve got a problem.” And he says, “So tell me, not about feelings or attitudes. Tell me what’s happening in observable, measurable terms.”

 

[03:12] And so then he describes problem, then he says, “Okay, now tell me what you’d like to have happen. What do you want to have happen or be happening in those same terms?” And he’s like, “Well, I don’t know.”

 

[03:22] And then the man says, “If this is so pivotal, if you can’t tell me what you’d like to be happening, you don’t have a problem yet, you’re just complaining.”

 

[03:33] “A problem only exists if there is a difference between what is actually happening and what you desire to be happening.” Isn’t that fabulous?

 

[03:43] So let me read that again…

 

[03:44] “If you can’t tell me what you’d like to be happening, you don’t have a problem yet, you’re just complaining.” A problem only exists if there is a difference between what is actually happening and what you desire to be happening.

 

[04:00] So keep that in mind. First, determine, do I have a problem or am I just whining? Do I just need a pint of Ben and Jerry’s or really good Brownie, or do you actually have a problem?

 

[04:10] If you have a problem, then that’s good because then we go to the next step. He gives six particular points to consider on your one minute goal setting and the first thing he says is to agree on your goals.

 

[04:24] Agree on your goals. What that says to me is choose your goals. What is it that you actually want to do and just like I shared in that little quote, what would you want to have happen? Not just complain about what isn’t happening, right?

 

[04:39] That’s what we want. So once you figure out what that looks like, then you can start determining the number one word that was so powerful to me about actually achieving your goals and this behavior.

 

[04:53] He talks about how this behavior will determine if your goals are being achieved…

 

[04:59] Now you can also insert habits in there which Charles did…

 

[05:01] He talks about that same thing, with these behaviors.

 

[05:09] I share that beliefs and behaviors will change your actions because behaviors are different than just making a choice here and there. Behaviors are those ingrained things that become those habits that are really what make-up you, your daily you.

 

[05:26] That’s going to be you five years down the road, so you want to consider those beliefs and behaviors because those are going to determine your actual outcomes of who you are and what you want.

 

[05:37] So agree on your goals, which means agree what it is you actually want to achieve…

 

[05:41] Really not just a should or what your mother in law says or what your boss says. What are the goals that you feel strongly you need to achieve? Okay, and then the second is to see what good behavior looks like.

 

[05:54] What is the matching behavior that you’re going to need in order to make that goal happen? Have you thought about that? What kind of behavior are you going to need?

 

[06:03] If you want to lose weight? Well, what’s a behavior you’re going to need to start doing or a behavior you’re going to have to incorporate or embrace for you to actually do that?

 

[06:13] I had to do that a few months ago. I was like, you know what? I need to shift. I was doing the same workout I’ve been doing. I was being kind of like, “Oh, we have a lot of life stressors going on,” and so I thought I need to do that for the health and the wellbeing and the distressing.

 

[06:27] And so I had to figure out my schedule. I looked at it and went, “Wow, work that my first phase of kids leaves about seven, 10 and my last one leaves about 8:00. So I get him ready by about 7:30, 7:40.

 

[06:43] So I have about 20, maybe 30 minutes in there for me to work out. And so that’s what I did. Even though some mornings I think, “Oh my gosh, can I squeeze one more thing?”

 

[06:52] And then you don’t want to go the opposite because then if you stress yourself out too much and trying to make it work, then you just raise your cortisol level, which just makes your exercise worthless.

 

[07:02] So you know, try to find the balance.

 

[07:04] So I started doing it at 7:10, and guess what? I have loved it. It’s worked out great. I get this workout done and I’m not punishing myself and killing myself with a workout. It’s enjoyable.

 

[07:16] It zumba it’s ballet-beautiful. It’s doing pilates. It’s doing things that I love and enjoy so that by the time my son wakes up, I’m getting him ready, and he’s ready to go, it’s good.

 

[07:28] It’s nice. After that I hop in the shower and all is good.

 

[07:30] So what behavior do you need to incorporate or let go of in order for you to make that goal happen?

 

[07:37] And then the third thing they say is to write out each of your goals on a single sheet of paper using less than 250 words.

 

[07:45] So write out each of your goals, put them on a single sheet of paper and use less than 250 words. Then read and reread each goal-which requires only a minute or so each time you do it.

 

[07:59] So do you understand what that means? You should just write it out. Just make it very easy to read, easy to remember. And then during a given day, take that sheet and then just read and reread each goal, which only takes like a minute or so when you want to just review it.

 

[08:13] Make sure you remember what it is. And I would encourage you to choose a time of day that you are actually will do that…

 

[08:19] So whether it’s first thing in the morning when you’re getting ready, if it’s the last thing before you hit your pillow at night or is it in the afternoon while you’re waiting for Carpool or whatever that might look like for you…

 

[08:29] Maybe you are thinking, “Okay, I always have our administrative meetings this time and I have this 15 minute block where, or 10 minutes that it’s really unaccounted for.

 

[08:38] But I just kind of have to make the best of it and go on social media or whatever.”

 

[08:42] Use that time to review your goals…

 

[08:44] Remember, studies show that if we keep it in the front of our brain, if we keep it in that active part, then our bodies and minds and soul will actually try to make it happen.

 

[08:55] If it’s in the front of our brain, that’s the first thing our brains going to go to that needs to be done or taken care of or addressed. So we want to keep this front and center and keeping our goals right in front of us.

 

[09:07] That’s why it’s so important to keep rereading them.

 

[09:09] Then the next one he has number five is take a minute every once in a while out of your day to look at your performance.

 

[09:16] So just take that five minutes and just evaluate your performance…

 

[09:21] And then the last one he says is to see whether or not your behavior matches your goal. So again, this is Kenneth Blanchard and Spencer Johnson, check and see, just do this quick check.

 

[09:32] Maybe it’s one minute, maybe it’s two minutes, five minutes, but just look at those goals and then say, “Okay, how’s my behavior doing? Isn’t matching these goals? Is it getting me where I want to go?”

 

[09:43] Preferably read them right as you’re about to stick a huge donut in your mouth and you’re like, “I really, really want to feel and be healthy. I want to be my best self.”

 

[09:54] Well read that goal and then you can really decide, do I really want that doughnut?

 

[09:58] Maybe you do, or do I not do I want what really matters to me now and in the long run because all of this is going to add up and it’s going to make me into a better person if I keep making those behavior choices today because what is it going back to?

 

[10:13] What’s the goal you agreed on at the very beginning and go through those steps. Now, the last one that I would add is adjust. If you can see that it’s not working, then make that course correction quickly, right?

 

[10:28] You want to adjust as soon as you can…

 

[10:31] I think about that. In fact, as I was writing down some notes for this, I wrote down a thought about the difference between the airplane analogy that I gave you and the plan that we make our goal setting plan, and it hit me that the difference between the plan and the plane is the difference of one letter and a few degrees.

 

[10:52] So same the principle applies to your goal plan as well as the flight of a plane and that is to quickly course correct.

 

[11:02] As you make those small little changes and you make those very small, tiny, seemingly inconsequential choices, you will find your compound effect in play.

 

[11:13] You’ll find that your goals are actually happening when you put down that one donut, you know donuts are going to be there forever, so well, you know maybe, but they’re going to be there for a while.

 

[11:24] They’re going to be there for months and years ahead. You’re not going to miss out on anything. So even thinking sometimes what helps me is even thinking just for today, then I don’t go into denial. I go just for today, I’m just going to work out for 15 minutes just for today.

 

[11:39] I’m going to put that donut aside because I can get one next week just for today. I am going to go to bed at a good time just for today. I’m not going to lose my temper over these things that are just not that important. They’re just not. I’m not going to get upset about it just for today.

 

[11:55] I’m going to make sure and do that extra service for my kids that they don’t even know they’re getting. If I can do that principle just for today, I actually achieved more of my goals than if I think I’ve got this three month, two year plan in place that I am stuck to you like glue.

 

[12:13] It helps me to be able to say, you know, I don’t have to do this forever, but just in this moment I’m going to make this choice. And guess what?

 

[12:21] Those moments and those choices, they add up, they multiply and they become. They become you. They become those goals that you’ve really, truly wanted to be and become and achieve, so some food for thought for today.

 

[12:37] As always, you’re welcome to check out my Five Keys to Balance Redefined master class. It’s free and it’s got more fabulous life hack tips for you to be able to put into practice right now.

 

[12:49] So, so fabulous. The feedback is phenomenal on it. I love it and I can say that because people have told me this. I have loved that they are getting such good stuff out of it and it’s shifting their life. That makes me so happy.

 

[13:00] And you can also, as I said, get my newsletter, go conniesokol.com, and you can also get our free joy challenge.

 

[13:05] So if you’re needing a little bit more joy in your life and that’s one of your goals, then take our free joy challenge with thoughts and wonderful activities, small things, that you can do just in a blink of an eye every day to increase your joy and it actually works.

 

[13:18] It actually increases that joy. So enjoy more podcasts by clicking on yet another from balance, redefined.

 

You got it. Thanks for listening and remember to rate and subscribe. And if you are feeling the need for real balance in your life, get your free 3-Step Life Plan, and get started today! Just go to conniesokol.com/download.