Casi McLean's Blog, page 59

Why Take The Chance?

Have you ever dreamed about what your life would have been like if you had only changed just one big decision? Just think about it. What if you had a do-over––got that one chance to go back in time and take the other fork in the road––the one that could have changed the course your life? Well, you may not be able to actually go back in time, but a do-over is definitely within the realm of possibilities.

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The choices I make everyday create my destiny––and they all matter. If I don't like where I am right this second, I can change that by simply taking action. It's really pretty easy to physically walk away from a situation. But what about the bigger picture? It's not that easy to make major changes. Changes that alter the course of my life. I have responsibilities; commitments, people who depend on me––and besides, there is no magic wand to miraculously change my circumstances for the better. So why rock the boat? Things might not be great, but they are okay . . . and that's life, isn't it?

Well . . . maybe not. Each and every choice I make moves me in a linier direction that determines where my life is headed. The lunch I have, the money I spend, the people I hang out with. When I think about it, every part of my life has its own linear direction; my health, finances, relationships, faith––and my choices determine the direction of each of them.

I think one of the greatest ahhh-ha moments in my life was when I heard my pastor, Andy Stanley, say that the choices I make, write the pages of my life and unlike a book, once written, they can't be edited. His words will always be seared in my mind, "When you write your story remember you only get one draft so make it a masterpiece."

It's easy to flashback on my life, but what if I flashed forward. Years from now when I look back on these moments, what will I see? I know that the choices I make today––right now, determine my future. I have the power in my hands this very moment to change what I'll talk about when I look back on this time of my life. God truly directs my destiny. He opens doors of opportunity every day, but I have to choose to take action.

Okay, let's face it, change is hard, especially when it involves other people, finances, property etc. And besides, known demons aren't as scary as the unknown demons. What if I try to change something and I end up worse off than I am now . . . what if I make a mistake, or fall flat on my face. Why take the chance? Well, the answer is easy. As long as I strive for mediocrity, that's precisely what I'll get. That's not what I want for my life. And even more importantly, it's not the legacy or example I want for my children! I can't let the "what ifs" hold me back. So when something in my life needs tweaking, I think like Nike and just do it! Do you?

Casi

The # 1 Best Gift Ever!

Children are the future. With innocent eyes and magical dreams, they touch our hearts––and sometimes try our patience. My two sons have always been my life's greatest treasures. I wanted to give them the world, protect them from pain and encourage them to live their dreams; a gift I had never been able to open . . . until recently. I preached ad-nausium . . . okay, that's not really a word, but you get the picture . . . I tried to tell my children to do as I say, not as I do––a daunting task, especially through the tantrums and outbursts of their teenage years. I was convinced they had no use for Mom's incessant messages. Those of you who are really close to me––or who read Wingless Butterfly––know the trials and tribulations I went through with my boys; especially Jace. Still, I never gave up––and somewhere along the way, when I wasn't looking, they just got it. How do I know?

A glimpse from our new home

Well, yesterday I clicked on a status on Jace's Facebook page and it brought me to his blog. I'd never read his posts before, and I smiled when I saw how articulate my young son had become. As I scanned the front page, one entry tugged at my heart and I have to share it with you all. Unbeknownst to me, my son really was listening to Mom, and his mother's passion has become his own. Here is Jace's blog post:

So, I am currently 35,000 ft in the air on the way back to "Hotlanta" after my second trip to California in a one month time period. As many of you may know, it was decided a few months ago that this is where my future lies . . . what some of you may not know is exactly why . . . I'm going to start out by saying that being out here gives me a sense of freedom that Atlanta never has. 

After searching many possible spots to live out here, my co-pilot/business partner, Jonathan, and I stumbled across a beautiful island right outside of Oakland and San Francisco called Alameda. This is our new home.

Alameda is an eclectic little town with everything one could ever need––all within a few blocks. From classic record stores and music shops, to hole in the wall bars and quaint local restaurants . . . You can still get a Big Mac, and God willing, a  McRib (if the timing is right) if you so desire . . . Thankfully, the work we do has given us the opportunity, and the freedom, to pretty much live wherever we want… and, with that, we figured… we might as well live somewhere we love . . . somewhere that hasn't exhausted our souls… and that, my friends, is California.

This week has been a real eye opener for me . . . we all know that happiness is a choice . . . but the decision can be somewhat difficult to make. With the constant hurdles and obstacles that stand in our way from day to day, it's easy to want to roll over and accept the crap that we are handed . . . I've learned you truly can rise above to do, and be, who and whatever you want in life. A dear friend of mine, Kate Gervais, is such a great testimony to this . . . her positive attitude and amazing ambition has re-instilled this concept in me . . . I could list a million reasons as to how and why . . . but that's another blog in itself.

My point is that there are so many things in life worth chasing . . . worth going after . . . and it's up to you, reader, whether or not you succeed at obtaining your goals. Work ethic is important; however, "work" doesn't have do drain your soul . . . it's all in how you perceive what you do… If you are unhappy in a certain situation, change it!  And you can say . . . "Well Jace, it's not that easy . . . there is so much grey in the black and white." and I'm here to assure you that it is absolutely that easy . . . because I'm doing it myself.

Wow! It gave me chills when I read Jace's post. So I'm here to show you in vivid color––Don't ever give up on your children. They ARE listening––even when you're convinced they aren't! Jace and his business partner/best friend have been so successful with their production company in Atlanta that they are are moving to Alameda next month to open up another office on the west coast. I'll miss him sooo much, but I know he is living his dreams; and that makes me so excited and happy for him! Love you, Jace!!

Live your dreams, my friends––if not for yourself, to set an example for your children. If they're convinced that it's possible, they'll take a chance and with you on their side, they can live their own dreams!

Casi

Look Who's Listening!

Children are the future. With innocent eyes and magical dreams, they touch our hearts––and sometimes try our patience. My two sons have always been my life's greatest treasures. I wanted to give them the world, protect them from pain and encourage them to live their dreams; a gift I had never been able to open . . . until recently. I preached ad-nausium . . . okay, that's not really a word, but you get the picture . . . I tried to tell my children to do as I say, not as I do––a daunting task, especially through the tantrums and outbursts of their teenage years. I was convinced they had no use for Mom's incessant messages. Those of you who are really close to me––or who read Wingless Butterfly––know the trials and tribulations I went through with my boys; especially Jace. Still, I never gave up––and somewhere along the way, when I wasn't looking, they just got it. How do I know?

Well, yesterday I clicked on a status on Jace's Facebook page and it brought me to his blog. I'd never read his posts before, and I smiled when I saw how articulate my young son had become. As I scanned the front page, one entry tugged at my heart and I have to share it with you all. Unbeknownst to me, my son really was listening to Mom, and his mother's passion has become his own. Here is Jace's blog post:

So, I am currently 35,000 ft in the air on the way back to "Hotlanta" after my second trip to California in a one month time period. As many of you may know, it was decided a few months ago that this is where my future lies . . . what some of you may not know is exactly why . . . I'm going to start out by saying that being out here gives me a sense of freedom that Atlanta never has. 

After searching many possible spots to live out here, my co-pilot/business partner, Jonathan, and I stumbled across a beautiful island right outside of Oakland and San Francisco called Alameda. This is our new home.

A glimpse from our new home

Alameda is an eclectic little town with everything one could ever need––all within a few blocks. From classic record stores and music shops, to hole in the wall bars and quaint local restaurants . . . You can still get a Big Mac, and God willing, a McRib (if the timing is right) if you so desire . . . Thankfully, the work we do has given us the opportunity, and the freedom, to pretty much live wherever we want… and, with that, we we figured… we might as well live somewhere we love . . . somewhere that hasn't exhausted our souls… and that, my friends, is California.

This week has been a real eye opener for me . . . we all know that happiness is a choice . . . but the decision can be somewhat difficult to make. With the constant hurdles and obstacles that stand in our way from day to day, it's easy to want to roll over and accept the crap that we are handed . . . I've learned you truly can rise above to do, and be, who and whatever you want in life. A dear friend of mine, Kate Gervais, is such a great testimony to this . . . her positive attitude and amazing ambition has re-instilled this concept in me . . . I could list a million reasons as to how and why . . . but that's another blog in itself.

My point is that there are so many things in life worth chasing . . . worth going after . . . and it's up to you, reader, whether or not you succeed at obtaining your goals. Work ethic is important; however, "work" doesn't have do drain your soul . . . it's all in how you perceive what you do… If you are unhappy in a certain situation, change it!  And you can say . . . "Well Jace, it's not that easy . . . there is so much grey in the black and white." and I'm here to assure you that it is absolutely that easy . . . because I'm doing it myself.

Wow! It gave me chills when I read Jace's post. So I'm here to show you in vivid color––Don't ever give up on your children. They ARE listening––even when you're convinced they aren't! Jace and his business partner/best friend have been so successful with their production company in Atlanta that they are are moving to Alameda next month to open up another office on the west coast. I'll miss him sooo much, but I know he is living his dreams; and that makes me so excited and happy for him! Love you, Jace!!

Live your dreams, my friends––if not for yourself, to set an example for your children. If they're convinced that it's possible, they'll take a chance and with you on their side, they can live their own dreams!

Casi

My Christmas Wish

Over the years the Christmas season has grown more and more difficult for me. My mother died Christmas of 1995. In the years that followed, losses mounted. My 20+ years of marriage ended in divorce. My children grew into strong, confident men with busy lives, but the pride, happiness and love I felt for them didn't muffle the echo of silence that lingered in my empty home where children's laughter once dwelled. My design business collapsed in December 2008; but the ultimate loss broke my heart when Daddy passed away shortly before Christmas 2009. And 2010 seared more loss into my heart. But throughout those years, silent embers softly glowed deep within me.

Christmas conjures wonderful memories for most people; visions of magic, sleds gliding through sparkling snow, glittering lights, love, and children sitting in their mother's lap as they struggle to stay awake to catch a glimpse of Santa. But for many, those visions have faded over years of abuse, loss and pain; and Christmas serves as a reminder of what they've lost. I have friends, who've recently lost careers, their homes, loved ones and so much more, yet they persevere.

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A good friend of mine sent me an email recently with a beautiful metaphor. He said, I remember watching some birds one day on a windy beach in Malibu. They floated in the wind, darting in and out––yet staying in one place. Those birds made no progress until a they focused in on a target. Then they soared, slicing into the breeze and the fierce current that once proved a headwind thrust them forward towards their destination.

Wallowing in the past is like walking on a treadmill, or waving like a flag flopping in the wind; I merely show direction and keep walking, yet never reach my goals or destiny. But a bird doesn't dwell in the past. It cuts through wind and remains on course, ever pushing towards its destination. I hope you all take flight and soar towards your dreams. And, as you do, think of those who struggle in the wake of their turbulent lives; perhaps you can pay-it-forward and spark someone's fading flame?

Last week, I did some volunteer work at Wellspring. The stories I heard of the abuse, human trafficking and loss that the children and young women who now reside at the homes have encountered, tugged deeply on my heart––but their strength inspired me; and working in that little shop reminded me how very blessed my life has always been despite the trauma and loss. And so my Christmas wish for every one of you is two fold. May you cherish the wonders in your life, and never give up on your dreams! I hope the Yolanda Adams' song above, Never Give Up, will spark the embers in your spirit, and that the radiance of your own flame will warm the hearts around you.

Don't be tossed in the wind and never give up on you––for your own sake, but even more importantly, for the sake of all those who you may one day touch. I believe we all have a divine destiny, and like Jimmy Stewart in It's A Wonderful Life, you'll never know how many lives you affect throughout the years, just trust that you do. Today and this Christmas of 2011, my best wishes and love go out to all of those amazing young girls and women at Wellspring. This is your chance to let go and truly make a difference in the world. Your strength is more powerful than you can see at times––but its there, holding stedfast. Believe in yourself, go for the gold and never give up!!

Christmas Blessings to all,

Casi

 

A Woman Should Know . . .

As a writer, I'm inspired by those elite and gifted enough to stir passion within the souls of humanity. Those who focus on the human race and show us universal threads that unite us all as we search for love and meaning in our lives. Maya Angelou's writing does just that and she touches my soul. Today I want to share one particular masterpiece that has been on my bathroom mirror since the day I first read it. Not only does it incapsulate the message of Wingless Butterfly, it also reminds me why I write.

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A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE . . .

enough money within her control to move out

and rent a place of her own,

even if she never wants to or needs to . . .

something perfect to wear if the employer,

or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour . . .

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVe . . .

a youth she's content to leave behind . . .

a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to

retelling it in her old age . . .

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra…

one friend who always makes her laugh… and one who lets her cry . . .

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE . . .

a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family . . .

eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,

and a recipe for a meal,

that will make her guests feel honored . . .

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE . . .

a feeling of control over her destiny

how to fall in love without losing herself

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW . . .

how to quit a job,

break up with a lover,

and confront a friend without;

ruining the friendship . . .

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW . . .

when to try harder. . . and WHEN TO WALK AWAY . . .

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW . . .

that she can't change the length of her calves,

the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents . . .

that her childhood may not have been perfect . . . but it's over . . .

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW . . .

what she would and wouldn't do for love or more . . .

how to live alone . . . even if she doesn't like it . . .

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW . . .

whom she can trust,

whom she can't,

and why she shouldn't take it personally . . .

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW . . .

where to go . . .

be it to her best friend's kitchen table . . .

or a charming Inn in the woods . . .

when her soul needs soothing . . .

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW . . .

What she can and can't accomplish in a day . . .

a month . . . and a year . . .

Maya helps fuel the passion in my heart to help people see humanity in their own reflection and inspire them to live their dreams. Please listen to the video above as Denzel Washington, Oprah and Najee honor Maya Angelou. I hope her poem finds it's way to your own mirror to remind you of what YOU and every woman should have, dreams, hope, confidence, respect, determination and love for yourself.

Casi

Do You Look, or Truly See?

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Have you ever wondered why it was so easy to make friends as children? Trust came easily––before it was jaded by life experiences. In the pure innocence of childhood, hopes and dreams flourish, but life toughens our skin and dulls expectations. How energizing it would be to see things as a child again––chasing dreams like an elusive butterfly. When you think about it, the pursuit of happiness drives most of our decisions. We search for happiness in relationships, jobs, where we live and what we do, but we also end things hoping to find happiness. We divorce, change careers, move away. We buy things to make us happy, but the newness fades like the waning smell of a once new car.

Everyone has their own unique story with all its twists, turns, hopes, and dreams; yet at the same time, universal threads unite us all as we search for love and meaning in our lives. As different as we appear on the outside, we all bleed, cry, love and hurt the same way. Everyone has the power within to change their destiny––to use the past to propel us forward or paralyze our lives. The mind holds on to every indecision, failure, embarrassment, disappointment, anxiety, heartbreak, misdirection, mistake, betrayal, lie, abandonment, and loss. Anger, resentment, fear and pain can cloud your vision or cast road blocks to block the path to your destiny, so don't wallow in the fog of perception.

I know first hand that it's hard to change directions but, like I've said many times before, a map to California will never get you to New York. If you're not heading in the right direction, the answer is simple, change courses! New paths can be daunting, but I found out that many times the events I feared the most turned out to be the best things in my life.

The economy has knocked the wind out of a lot of sails. If you're at a crossroad in your life, try looking through the eyes of your inner child. Remember your dreams and take a leap of faith. You may find a new direction that will restore your destiny. Take the time to listen to this video––a song by Air Supply. It's truly inspiring! If we could all look through the innocent eyes of children, think of what dreams we could accomplish.

Casi

Are You Insane?

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. Now, most people wouldn't consider themselves insane, yet how often do we see people continually repeat the same patterns, while they hopefully yearn for happy endings. Like Scarlett O'Hara in Margaret Mitchell's Gone With The Wind, they'll "worry about it tomorrow." Patterns drench our lives, yet most of us don't even realize we have them. That can be good news if our habits lead to great health, financial security and incredible relationships, but what if they don't?

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Have you ever heard people complain that they just can't get a break? Or how about friends who never seem to find lasting relationships or jump from job to job, never able to find one that's quite right for them? It's not that they're losers, unlucky or unable to commit. Their patterns just aren't taking them where they want to go.

We all make choices every day, but do you realize that those little choices create habits? And they all have consequences. When you start out in a direction, it sets you on a path to somewhere. The big question is, where are you going?

Theres' no way that you'd use a map to New York to find your way to LA, right? You'd have to be pretty oblivious to expect that by following that particular map, you'll end up with the destination you desire. But when you make little decisions that may seem insignificant, they are setting a course––a path to a destination––so be sure you recognize your direction.

Were all guilty from time to time. Case in point, take me for example. Those of you who know me personally would never call me overweight and they'd be right. I'm no fanatic, but I've made a conscious effort to eat healthy, exercise regularly and maintain a healthy lifestyle. However, when my publisher released Wingless Butterfly, I found myself working in a whole new industry which required an intense learning curve. I spent an unprecedented amount of time, sitting at my computer, taking classes and trying desperately to just keep up with the areas that demanded my attention. I had to sacrifice something, so the easiest thing to let slide was working out and eating well. I grabbed what I could on the run, making okay choices most of the time and conceding that I'd do a better job next week. But next week came and went and for two and a half months I headed down that path.

My niece is getting married this Saturday, and I've been so looking forward to the trip. I can't wait to see friends and family, and catch up with people I haven't seen in forever. As I packed last night, luckily, I thought to try on the dress I had intended to wear. You guessed it; the dress didn't fit––in fact most of my dresses didn't fit and ones that did, had huge bulges in places I didn't even know I had. I had been aware that I had probably added a pound or two. I felt a bit uncomfortable and knew I needed to get back into my routine, but I never guessed I had gained ten pounds. Now, I know I'm not fat, even now, and I'm not complaining. The point is, the decisions were all mine! I fudged and made excuses––and they had consequences.

The decisions we make every day matter. They create habits in every area of our lives and lead us down paths to our destiny. So my question to you today is simply this. Do you direct your destiny? Or are you like Scarlett O'Hara, blindly heading down paths that will surely have consequences tomorrow?

My next few blog posts will be focusing on patterns in different areas of life, so don't miss them. Now I'm off to finish packing––oh, and yes, running out to buy a dress for the wedding. Have an awesome weekend!

Casi

BTW, I hope you enjoy this music video, Look Into Yourself, by Anggun. These are the lyrics:

I'm tired of letting go all that I've tried to have

I'm tired of wasting time looking up to the wrong stars

I do believe in life and that everything is written

But life is not a book with pages wide-opened

Don't search too far, my mother says

Sometimes all that you need is only a step away

Look into yourself

The one and only

Look into yourself

If you want to find the key

A look into yourself

Release your heart free

Look into yourself

And be the master of your destiny

Don't be afraid of wanting changes in your life

Don't be afraid to go to wherever you decide

Believe in yourself and believe in what you can do

And no one can deny the will that lies in you

Try to pay more attention

And live your life with good intentions

Look into yourself

The one and only

Look into yourself

If you want to find the key

A look into yourself

Release your heart free

Look into yourself

And be the master of your destiny

Look into yourself

Cause there's a rainbow

Look into yourself

There is so much more that you need to know

Cause in yourself

There's serenity

It's all in yourself

You are the master of your destiny

For every doubt you face

In every step you take

For choices that you make

Dreams aren't made to be erased

Just look into yourself..

Look into yourself

The master of your destiny..

It's in yourself

The master of your destiny

It's in yourself..

Come See Me At The Decatur Book Festival

Hey Everyone. I just want to remind all of my blog fans to come see me this weekend at the Decatur Book Festival. My book will be on sale at the Emerging Author's section all weekend! And I'll be there live to speak and sign books on Sunday at 3:30pm.

Decatur Book Festival is one of the biggest book festivals in the country! Come join me at this multi-day event that features 14 stages packed with authors, live music, poetry readings, panel discussions, signings, cooking demonstrations and much more.

Children will be entertained with authors and illustrators, a parade and field trips and games/activities, and teens have some fabulous activities too. There is live music and poetry, cooking demonstrations, the Southern Foodways Alliance Sunday Picnic, and lots of awards. The Rare and Collectible Book Fair, and a Writers' Conference are all part of it too. Plus, the downtown square is filled with food vendors, a wine garden and plenty of other culinary establishments. It's the event of the year, so if you don't have plans yet for the Labor Day weekend, come join in the fun.

I WILL BE SPEAKING ON SUNDAY AT 3:30PM ON THE EMERGING AUTHOR'S STAGE WITH A BOOK SIGNING IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS, and the rest of the time you'll probably see me throughout the festival mingling with the other author's and enjoying the festivities! Hope to see you all there!!

Casi

 

The Secret To Overcoming Chemistry Addiction

Well Jake, you're right, you would definitely qualify for jerk status, but kudos to you for identifying the pattern as well as for your desire to break it. Maybe I can help. Having been a jerk-aholic for the majority of my life––the flip-side of your coin. If you want proof, just check Amazon and read about my new book, Wingless Butterfly: Confessions Of A Recovering Jerk-Magnet––and I'm pretty sure my book trailer  would resonate. (If you're not following what I'm talking about, read my last blog post.)

Before I proceed, a caveat to my women readers: Jake's article is a glimpse into the male mind and is typical of the way some men think. This article should be a wake-up call, so be aware that sometimes romance can have an agenda. And to my men readers, there is a flip-side to that coin too, more than enough for a whole new blog. But today I'll focus on Jake and my open letter to him.

 

Click here to view the embedded video.

Dear Jake,

The symptoms you have are classic patterns, so don't feel like your affliction is rare. In fact chemistry addiction seems to thrive in epidemic proportions throughout the country and it infects females as well as males. We live in a 'visual' and 'disposable' society––one that advocates striving for the best. While the latter may be an admirable attribute in the career arena, it can spill over into everyday life and may generate addictive and toxic patterns––an insaciable appetite for the 'new and exciting.'

Some people obsess over the newest tech devices, trendy clothes, or new model cars. Toxic patterns can be as addictive as gambling, alcohol or drugs, so does it seem far-fetched to be addicted to the chemistry 'high' you feel in a new relationship? The problem is when that insaciable desire affects connections it involves someone else's life too. Think about that . . . Put it this way, how would you feel if someone treated your sister or daughter like you are treating the women you date?

Actually, the real issue is not finding someone, it's about being someone. You are treating women like a commodity*––disposable objects to satisfy your needs. J is right, love should not be all about you! If you truly want to break your patterns, like Nike says, "Just do it!" It's an inside job. Consider this: Are you who the person you are looking for––is looking for?* Your direction is heading down a treacherous path and it doesn't take a crystal ball to see your future, but the secret to finding your soulmate is not as elusive as you envision.

You may be enjoying the ride right now, but jerks and players rarely have real happy endings. You can rationalize, justify, and even convince yourself, but regardless of your reasoning, you're just making up excuses. If you truly want the real thing with the right girl, do you think you will you ever even recognize her with your modus operandi? When she shows an imperfection or 'failings' as you put it, you'll just cut her loose and move on to the next target. It seems like when you see 'real' you bail. Perfection doesn't exist! If you want real, then get real! And if sex continually gets routine . . . wow, the common denominator in that equation is 'you.' Perhaps your skewed perspective perceives sex as a commodity too––a decadent dessert eaten again and again loses it's allure.

No one can have one foot in a relationship while the other one is still firmly planted outside of it, holding out for better options. You set yourself up for failure. A half-in relationship never works because when you look, you will always find someone that sparks your interest––your search will be endless. Every new option provides a distraction that keeps you from a real and honest commitment. Regardless of what may have trapped you in your endless cycle––whether it's your own fears, insecurities, or past failed relationships––like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, your life is permanently stuck repeating the same patterns over and over. However, there is a way out.

Just get off the merry-go-round! The answers are within you and will be revealed when you choose to look internally instead of building impossible standards and explicit parameters around your desired mate. Stop making excuses. Break your cycle, slow down and take the time to internalize more clearly exactly where your direction will lead you.

The truth is, you have the exact life you want. Maybe not the one you desire, but you make choices everyday that create your life. If you don't like the direction your choices are taking you, then chart a new course. You'll never get to Florida by following a map to New York. When your choices steer you in the right direction, you will alter your destiny. And here's a hint, you might try investing in someone instead of looking for your next best fix. Just bear in mind that it is enjoying the journey, not reaching the destination that truly enriches your life.

Here's to forging the path to your desired destiny,

Casi

 

Source: MSN , Glamour Wingless Butterfly. * Andy Stanley's Love Sex & Dating

Proof: Chemistry Is Addictive!

I posted a rant yesterday about some questionable 'expert' relationship advice floating around the Internet and posed the question, "Is chemistry addictive." My own opinion is an unequivocal "yes!" I can't help but wonder what agenda the author I referred to in yesterday's post had in mind as he penned his dating criteria, but it sparked my interest enough to do some research on my own. While there was certainly no lack of opinions, one in particular struck me. The author writes Glamour Magazine's male dating column, Ask Jake and, though having read his last post I would probably not agree with his approach, he writes beautifully and I admire him for his candid honesty identifying his own toxic patterns––so much so that I've decided to take two days to not only share his post but also add my own two cents and hopefully yours as well.

Click here to view the embedded video.

This video discusses commitment-phobs, male and female, and some views about the issue. While it's interesting, I have a unique spin on the topic. Today I'll share Jake's article and I'd love to hear your comments as well. Tomorrow I'll post my views and hopefully add a few of yours as well. Here's Jake's dilemma:

Glamour's male dating columnist resolves to bust his breakup pattern. Can he do it? The journey starts here. 

Why Can't He Commit?

 

She left my house at 11:30 A.M. I had some work to do. She had to meet friends. Clean her apartment. Errands. It really didn't matter. J. and I had developed a routine over the past few months: dinner, drinks, fun, sex, sleep. She knew exactly how to touch my back. I knew how hard to bite her lip when we kissed. She knew her way around the apartment. And she knew how to exit.

As she walked down the hall, I held the door open just a crack so my dog, Piano, couldn't run after her and called to her: "Let's hang out this week. If you want." Normally I would hear "Sure, call me!" But this time she stopped, turned around and smirked."It's not really about what I want," she said. "It's always about what you want. And admit it, you have no idea what that is." Then she spun around and was gone.

Ouch. Over the next few weeks, J.'s words tugged at me like a pulled hamstring. Every romantic step I tried to take was met with the vague ache of her critique. Worst part? I'd been here before, many times. Loath as I am to admit it, this is my M.O.: I meet a woman and I crush hard; I pursue her with dinners and all-night parties that start and end at my apartment (for the record, Piano is the best wingman ever). We hang out with each other's friends, spend weekends away, meet family members. Right around then I find cracks in the facade of "us," and I leave. Why? Let me break it down:

I've got need-for-newness issues.

My name is Jake and I'm a date-oholic — I love the new. The most exciting moment for me in a relationship is the first time I see a woman in her underwear. Magic. If you think I'm a jerk, believe me, I do too. I know very well that committed love is better than an uncommitted romp, but I can't seem to put that into action. Instead, I half try to meet The One, but the sex gets routine, and tiny sacrifices start to feel like big messages from the universe that this woman is not right for me. Who wants to learn to be OK with a partner's failings when it means missing out on Someone Else, who has everything the person across the table does but is 35 percent funnier, knows magic tricks and likes pesto as much as I do? Because I love pesto. Sometimes I eat it for breakfast. Secretly, I'm holding out for the woman who does too, and I'm always sure the next one might be her.

I've got a few dad issues.

Then there's the fear of not measuring up. My father was a giant: By the time he was my age, he was married, had two kids, had set up his law practice, had bought a home. Could I support a family, financially and emotionally? Am I a good-enough guy to be a — gulp — role model?

The thing is, deep down inside, I know I am. I have the genes, for starters. I could step up to the plate and knock it home for the right person, for my right person. Besides, I'm not loving watching my friends get it right and wind up happier than I've ever seen them. And I don't want to be the third wheel at dinners in perpetuity, the person hearing incredulity in the hostess's voice as she says, "There are three of you?" Yes, ma'am, and my friends will be leaving before dessert to go home to relieve the babysitter, and kiss their two gorgeous, adoring children good night, so I'll thank you to adjust your tone. Also, what are you doing later?

So this is my vow to you, readers: I want to find my true partner in crime. I can see my pattern, and I know that in order to find The One, I've got to break it. No more J.s (who realized before I did that she was better off without me). I will fight the urge to duck away when I find something good, something real. It will be a process, and I hope there's a woman out there who can tolerate my learning curve. Because — please take note — behind all my baggage is a good guy who desperately wants the real thing with the right girl. Now I just have to find her.

Okay gang, so what do you think? I've already got my reply ready to post tomorrow, but I can't wait for your comments!

Casi

Source: MSN , Glamour

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