M.J. Pullen's Blog, page 16

On ADHD, Eating and Passing Judgment

Let me just say right off the bat that I know I am breaking many of the cardinal rules of blogging. Don’t blog angry, don’t go over 800 words, don’t blog when you have a raging case of PMS. Whatever. This is long and rambling account of a shitty experience I had yesterday. But also potentially helpful. So, read on at your own risk. (Or if you have ADHD, have someone read it to you while you’re juggling or something).

First, the Part about ADHD

Source: memecenter

Off and on for the last several years – through my therapy practice, reflections on my family life, and noting my own difficulty keeping up with life’s complexities as the years went on, I have begun to suspect that maybe-possibly-perhaps have a mild form of adult ADHD.

So, um, what was I saying?

Right. This consideration has intensified for me recently. Partly it’s been connected to recognizing that Skywalker has severe ADHD (already very clinically significant at age 5). But it’s also that additional stress and approaching 40 have made it hard for my usual coping mechanisms to be effective. More and more slips through the cracks, which means more stress, which means even less attention (and more stress eating, btw)…. So, as we’ve been seeking behavioral treatment for our son, I have also been learning about ADHD and coming to terms with my own ADHD personality, condition, diagnosis… Whatever you want to call it.

Now, I just want to pause here to say that many people have strong opinions about ADHD: whether it exists, how pervasively it exists, and what causes it. Unlike many armchair sociologists/psychologists, I actually don’t feel qualified to engage fully in that debate (even with a Master’s degree in Counseling and quite a bit of layman’s research under my belt). I haven’t read enough first-order research to feel that I can really give an opinion on what causes ADHD, whether it is over- or underdiagnosed, and/or what is the ideal treatment. From my readings, many ADHD experts feel the same – acknowledging that what we know now is the tip of the iceberg about how the ADHD brain works, and that our approach to ADHD must be both functional and customized to the individual child or adult.

Many people, however, don’t have the same research-based scruples that I do in forming and voicing their opinions. These folks get wind of the increase in ADHD diagnosis and decide psychologists or doctors or the pharmaceutical industry or parents or even teachers must be trying to get rich or “make things easier on themselves” by seeing and medicating ADHD everywhere they look. Or maybe it’s video games or television or Facebook or lack of exercise (I’ve been known to rant about lack of unstructured recess time myself, especially for boys). Any one of those theories could have some merit, and we need to do controlled research to truly understand the causal contributors to the rise in ADHD, rather than making sweeping generalizations based on our own anecdotal experiences or the recycled opinions of other “experts” (who often aren’t).

I will simply say for my part – as a trained therapist, mom and ADD-type myself – that nothing that I have read SO FAR in any of the evidence-based journals, books and articles, points to a pharmaceutical company conspiracy or an imaginary disorder. I don’t think pharm companies are angels or anything, I just haven’t seen any evidence that they have manufactured the ADHD phenomenon all on their own.

Nor do I believe that the rise in the SYMPTOMS of ADHD is imaginary. ADHD has been around for the whole of human history, including some of the people we admire most and a large percentage of those who defend our public safety. But the label of this type of personality as a clinical “disorder” is a modern phenomenon. Also, it does seem that since diagnostic tools have been around, a higher percentage of both children and adults are presenting with symptoms/characteristics significant enough to impair normal functioning in some way. Is our current society actually producing more people with ADHD, or do people with ADHD simply experience their symptoms more severely in our current society? Chicken… egg. I don’t think anyone can definitively say. (Yet).

(With the caveat that this is a personal blog and not a research article, I invite people to link to the comments with any research they have found relevant or interesting — so long as it comes from some kind of unbiased, peer-reviewed source).

Other than that, what I can say about ADHD is that I know, without doubt, that it exists. My brother has one of the most severe cases of anyone I’ve ever known. Which means I understand it. Which means it runs in our family. Which means it’s not a shock that I have some characteristics of ADHD too.

This is not, I’d like to point out, necessarily a bad thing. People with ADHD characteristics tend to be more creative, more innovative, and less risk-averse than the normative population. Without ADHD “sufferers” like Leonardo da Vinci and Ben Franklin, our society would be much the poorer. So my quest to understand my own “disordered” brain is less about trying to change or label myself, and more about doing a better job surviving and thriving in the hectic atmosphere in which I live.

I was never diagnosed with ADHD as a kid. Maybe I had fewer symptoms then, maybe I had better coping mechanisms, or fewer stressors. Everyone has their limits of functioning. It turns out that my limits of healthy, focused functioning fall somewhere in the middle of juggling a house, a marriage, two jobs (neither of which pays much), two challenging and stubborn young boys who are supposed to grow up to be loving responsible adults, my weight, my friends, a dog, a cat, and — by the way – some semblance of a social life.

Not an unusual set of circumstances to be sure, but I will credit our family for having weathered more than our fair share of pain and drama and loss in the past few years, and I will claim – hopefully without whining – that we have minimal day-to-day support. To be very clear, we have amazing friends and my social support network is a blessing beyond anything I deserve. If an emergency happened, and I needed them, I can’t count on six hands the number of people who would gladly come to our house in the middle of the night, care for our children, let us cry on their shoulders, clean the toilets, etc. etc. etc. When I need support on anything, I know I can reach out on Facebook and my community will come running. That said, we don’t have a lot of family or close friends nearby, especially not family who are available to help out with everyday stressors and activities. For the ordinary chaos, it’s all me and hubs.

I’m not complaining about my life. I love it. I wouldn’t trade a second of it for anything. But in terms of putting stress on an already unfocused mind, the amount of juggling required to keep our kids afloat and successful and our family balanced, has been a little hard on me. I guess you could say it’s highlighted some of my weak spots. Like focus, memory, and impulsivity. You have no idea how hard it is to help two little people learn how to structure their lives and remember to go to the bathroom before leaving the house, when you yourself spend 20 minutes looking for your own phone and keys. So I have wanted to understand more about ADHD, not just to help Skywalker, but to help his mother too.

The Part about Health

When it comes to health and wellness, I’ve always been one to try to learn as much as I can before making a decision. I respect and value holistic and preventative medicine, as well as the unfathomable achievements of Western/modern medicine. I try not to listen to any one piece of advice or theory unquestioningly, preferring to learn what I can from several sources and synthesize an answer that makes the most sense for me.

So over the last year, when I developed some seemingly unrelated (but maybe not) health problems: like a sprained ankle that won’t heal, reflux so bad that it feels like a heart attack, etc. I have made the rounds between both traditional and alternative healthcare providers to seek out a solution that seemed to address immediate risks, but also something I could sustain for a healthier me over the long run. I don’t ever want to be on medication every day unless it’s absolutely necessary. I don’t want to have to give up things I love because my body is giving out on me. But most of all, I don’t want my kids to have to raise my grandkids without my help and involvement. Period. Whatever it takes.

The most recent member of my holistic health team is my chiropractor (who also does Applied Kinesiology and other holistic health work). Let’s call him Dr. Ferdinand.* I’ve been working with Dr. Ferdinand for several months on the ankle that won’t heal as well as the standard stress-related back and neck and shoulder adjustments. I find chiropractic immensely helpful for those things. Being a holistic practitioner, Dr. Ferdinand has also made some suggestions about supplements and diet, like cutting down on sugar, theorizing that the ankle that won’t heal is related to blood sugar/adrenal issues.

Seems feasible enough. I trust him, and I’m willing to try.  Besides, no one can make the argument that sugar is good for you, so the idea that I need to cut back or try to eliminate it is neither new nor revolutionary. Some of you may remember the ten-day sugar detox I did last year. That was one of a long string of dietary experiments over the years: cut back on sugar, bread, all grains, all carbs, Weight Watchers, Skinny Bitch, etc. etc. etc.

But then and now, no matter what I’ve tried or how successful the temporary results have been, I have always bounced back into binge eating, emotional eating, and ESPECIALLY eating in a distracted or bored state. So every time I’ve gone back in and Dr. Ferdinand has asked me how it’s going, I’ve had to hang my head and mumble something about “trying” or “I might be making some progress.”

Eating my ADHD

It wasn’t until I started working with a new psychologist recently, with specific focus on my potential ADHD that I learned there can be, for some people, a huge connection between inattention, distractibility, impulsivity and eating problems. Did you know that? I sure as hell didn’t.

So, what has happened since has been an ongoing conversation between my therapist and me that’s evolving from exploratory work to formalized testing, to him mentioning the possibility of medication as a potential solution or at least a trial for me. [In case you are curious: We are not, at this time, considering medication for our son, who is working with a totally different therapist. He’s too little, his brain has not finished cooking, and his problems are nowhere near severe enough to warrant interfering with his physiology.] But me…

source: nickmom

Well let’s be honest, I’m self-medicating already. With coffee, sugar, and by putting myself into stimulating situations just to stay awake and alert. Like procrastinating on deadlines to create the crisis that allows my brain to attend.

This worked fine in college when I could pull all-nighters and be no worse for wear. Once the kids came along, though… not so much. Guess who doesn’t give a rat’s ass how much sleep you got the night before? That’s right. Your offspring. And by the way, they have to take something in for class today that you both forgot until right now.

So when my therapist suggested yesterday that perhaps an ADHD treatment could help with my disordered eating, it’s hard to describe the relief I felt.  I think I understand now what my therapy clients were always saying about how validating it is to just hear their painful symptoms – the things no one around them understood – pulled together under a clinical term that was not unique to them. Just feeling less alone, and knowing that what you’re suffering has a name, is incredibly meaningful. The idea that maybe your problems are not 100% your fault is so liberating; paradoxically, it gives you more power to take charge of them.

For me, the idea that even some of my falling off the Weight Watchers wagon, raiding the chocolate stash, secretly going through the drive-through for ice cream before picking up the kids… that these things (while obviously under my control as a human being with free will) might actually have their roots in the way that my brain is wired…it’s potentially life-changing. To imagine, even briefly, the possibility that addressing my ADHD might not only improve my career and address organizational problems in our home, but also help me lose weight and become healthier was beyond exhilarating.

For the first time in a long time I drove away from that therapy office on my way to the chiropractor feeling… Hopeful.

Until.

In retrospect, it was probably a mistake on my part to tell Dr. Ferdinand about my possible desire to take a pharmaceutical medication.  Just the fact that I am considering it has given me hope and validation, which is huge for me. I should have realized that, and been more protective of that hope. But I am an extrovert to the last, and my hope and joy are never fully felt until they are shared. So when I walked into Dr. Ferdinand’s office and he asked “what’s going on?” of course I opened my big mouth about the ADD meds. Huge. Mistake.

I should’ve predicted this, as many of you probably already are, but Dr. Ferdinand is not pro-medication for any reason. Obviously this fits with his career choice as a chiropractor. That said, I was not prepared for the intense, shaming lecture that commenced. “ADHD is overdiagnosed, it’s a scam of the pharmaceutical companies…It’s really just sugar addiction and your problems are with blood sugar.” This part didn’t surprise me, since I’ve heard that before, some of it from him.

But then he said, “If you could just take your diet seriously for three weeks, all your symptoms would go away. But, I mean sure, popping a pill is easy, if you want to take the easy way out…” Wait a minute. The easy way out? Excuse me, but nothing about this has been easy for me, ever. I tried to explain that I’ve been trying the diets he’s suggested (not to mention having tried holistic/dietary solutions for years before I began seeing him) and I’m still really struggling. I told him I hoped that treating the ADHD will give me the strength to handle the rest.

He said, with a shrug, “Well, I think it’s the other way around. But then, it’s all about your commitment.” He said that more than once, actually. “It’s all about your commitment.”

Yeah. That’s been the problem. My commitment. Because I love being 200 pounds and unable to go to Jazzercise class because of my gimpy ankle. I really enjoy when my child says, “you don’t want me to eat that because if I do I’ll get fat like you,” and I can’t correct him because it’s absolutely true. And when I watched my dad kill himself slowly with his cigarette addiction, I thought: “wow, I sure hope I can replicate that experience, but with donuts.”

This is about a lot of things, but my commitment isn’t one of them.

Hurt and angry, but aware of the proximity of other people in the office, I tried to redirect the conversation to the task of mommyhood. I said I just wanted to make myself better so I can help Skywalker learn to manage his ADHD better. Dr. Ferdinand said, “What’s his diet like?”

It would have been rude to say, “none of your fucking business.” So I said instead, “well, we try very hard to have him eat healthy, but you know, he’s a normal kid. He’d rather have bread than not bread, he’d eat sugar all day if we’d let him. Which, obviously, we don’t.” In reality, I am the mom who never lets my kids get french fries, tries to limit the number of sandwiches or bread items I pack each week for lunch, and am constantly battling with the schools about sugary sweets and the proliferation of processed carbs. But when your kids go to an average of three birthday parties a month and you throw in an occasional treat and convenience foods like cereal and snacks… plus all the eating they do that you can’t control, it’s hard to keep their sugar intake down.

“That’s not normal!” Dr. Ferdinand said, triumphant. “It’s normal in America but not other places. If you look at the symptoms of ADHD they’re the same as sugar addiction.” The unstated implication of this is, of course: your child would not have ADHD if you did a better job monitoring his diet.

[Even if we assume that heavy-handed statement is at least partially true: Guess what makes it NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE to maintain control over your family’s diet and serve only carefully planned meals and lunches without relying on easy foods like bread and other refined carbs? Right. ADHD.]

That was where Dr. Ferdinand crushed me. How could anyone think, anyone who knows me, that I am less than 100% committed to caring for my children? To being the best mom & person I can be, to being healthy and available for my kids – knowing the pain I have suffered with the absence of both my own parents?

I almost didn’t notice in my humiliation that other people were listening to the conversation at this point. The chiropractic office is wide open and other patients and doctors share the common room. So here I was vulnerable, ashamed, and trying desperately not to cry in front of either Dr. Ferdinand or the intern, not to mention the other doctors and patients on nearby tables who had all stopped talking to listen.

I had no idea what to say. It was incredible how quickly that tiny sprig of hope, which had come up for me in the previous hour with my psychologist, was all but stamped out. I felt like Dr. Ferdinand was telling me that my symptoms are my own fault because of my weak will and poor eating habits. That none of the symptoms I experience are as painful and difficult as I imagine; and if I would just try harder, I could conquer them without meds. It was very hard for me not to just stand up and run out right then.

Sometimes you just have to dry your eyes, reapply your mascara, and take a selfie in your van.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Any parents of ADHD kids hearing this from teachers and others who truly do not understand? Telling someone with ADHD to try harder to focus, resist their impulses, finish their homework, stay away from the cookie aisle… it’s like telling a short person to try harder to be tall. We can stand on our toes for a bit, we can create the illusion of tallness and sometimes even train our feet to remain en pointe for extended periods. But without some kind of help, we can’t be taller. This help might be medication or behavioral intervention or in some cases, dietary changes (removing dyes and preservatives and sugar helps some kids, for example, but not all). If I got nothing else from this experience, I hope I will understand my own kid better when he just can’t do what seems so simple.

Anyway, I pulled myself together temporarily and allowed Dr. Ferdinand to adjust my back and neck while feebly trying to counter some of the sweeping generalizations he made about ADHD. I re-explained in my own defense that I have actually been very health-conscious for a long time, if imperfectly executed. To be fair, I do think he realized at that point that he’d been a dick, because he began backpedaling and saying that he wasn’t perfect either [What??] and that he would support whatever choice I made. I think he meant that, or wanted to mean it, but I already felt so undermined and misunderstood at that point that I was just trying to get out of there without falling apart or ripping his face off.

I paid my bill, and barely made it to the car before I did fall apart. I sat crying in a nearby parking lot for twenty minutes, thinking that I must be pretty weak and pathetic if everyone else seems to be able to master their eating habits when I can’t. And now, here I am, ruining my kid’s life, too, expecting some miracle pill to save me and magically make me a better mother. I drove home and called Hubs, crying to him for his entire lunch break (poor Hubs), before I was calm and rational again.

Even now I acknowledge that some of what Dr. Ferdinand said may be right. I’m not pro-sugar. I have no doubt that eliminating sugar, refined carbs, processed foods, grains, gluten, dairy, soy, pleasurable feelings, reality TV and everything else supposedly nasty for you would help not just my ADHD symptoms but everything else. His method of imparting wisdom was judgmental (and unintentionally cruel), but I don’t disagree with his approach, per se.

I just. Can’t. Fucking. Do it.

Do you know what I mean? It’s like there’s a mountain in front of you and you start climbing and climbing and climbing and soon you’re out of breath and sweaty and you think you’ve made progress but then you look up and you haven’t covered any ground at all. That’s what almost every day feels like for me. With my weight, my attention, and my organizational, career and personal goals.

Often my sweet Hubs and others have to remind me of the things I have accomplished (three novels, three post-graduate degrees, extensive and deep friendships, two amazing children) because they become blurry in my vision when I find myself staring at the bottom of the mountain one more time. And yesterday Dr. Ferdinand made me feel as though not only had I fallen down the mountain, but was pushed by someone who was supposed to help me climb it. Pushed, under the guise of “friendly advice.”

Source: KnowYourMeme.com

Whatever our beliefs about health, eating, child rearing, school, education… I think the most important thing for all of us to understand is that no one solution or truth is perfect for everyone. Any theory that has some face validity may be worth trying, as long as it isn’t overtly dangerous, and as long as we move toward gathering actual evidence to support the theory before we start telling people they are wrong for not believing or following it.

What works for my life, my family, my child, may not work for yours. And that’s okay. It doesn’t make either of us less than. If you believe in curing everything through a Paleo diet and cross-country nerf-herding, good for you! I am excited for you and I wish you well. I may try your methods to see if they work for me, but please don’t preach them at me unless I ask. If you cut out television or carbs or meat or everything except meat, and it saved your life or your marriage or your splendid, splendid ass — that’s excellent.

I mean that. The world needs your splendid ass.

But before you judge me, know that even though I watch TV and eat fast food sometimes and occasionally yell at my kids, maybe I’m doing something else right that you haven’t been able to do. Maybe I’ve endured something you can’t even fathom in your own life. Maybe my contribution to the universe isn’t meant to look just like yours. Who knows?

I wish we could all try to remember that we don’t start from the same place on the mountain. We don’t have the same climbing equipment or bodily makeup. Some of us have guides to help us and others don’t. And we might have different reasons for climbing altogether. Hell, some of us forgot where the mountain was and started deep-sea diving instead. Let’s honor individuality and meet each other where we are. Save the advice for when it’s requested, and leave the judgment behind.

If any health care providers, holistic or otherwise, are reading this (including Dr. Ferdinand himself) — I hope this will serve as a reminder that to treat someone’s health means treating the WHOLE person, regardless of your specialty or worldview. That includes being mindful of their mental and emotional well-being in the moment, as well as respecting a person’s autonomy. No health care provider should ever talk at a patient or client, or steamroll the patient’s beliefs and life experiences in favor of soapbox dogma. And certainly, if you are going to be critical of someone’s lifestyle in any way: be gentle, be understanding, and for Master Yoda’s sake, be private.

[And in case you need further illustration of how ADHD impacts health issues, I sat down to do a couple of quick edits on this blog before posting, and totally missed my yoga class. I had the sports bra on already and everything.]

*Names have been changed to protect the somewhat obnoxious.
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I’m M.J. (Manda) Pullen, an author and mom in the Atlanta, Georgia area. I blog about writing, publishing, motherhood, food, psychology and whatever else strikes me in the moment. And let’s be honest, that could be anything.

My books include The Marriage Pact series, a trilogy of funny, semi-realistic Contemporary Romance/Women’s Fiction novels coming Fall 2015 from Thomas Dunne/St. Martin’s Press in association with Macmillan Entertainment. If you enjoyed this entry, you can follow the blog or click here to join my email list and receive my free short story, BODY ENGLISH. It’s a “love at first head injury” kind of story.

Comments are always welcome. Thanks for stopping by!

 

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Free Short Story BODY ENGLISH is Now Online

Just click, input your email, and gnaw away on some tasty romance!

I know, I know, I know….

You guys are telling me — with increasing (but loving) impatience — that you’re ready for another book. And I am so sorry that I’ve been sidelined more than once in the past year. I could say something precious and lofty like, “It’s all part of the artistic process,” but since it’s just us I will say what I’m really thinking which is, “Shit happens.”

So, in the way of an injured wildebeest throwing a raw steak at the pride as it closes in on her, I offer you this short story, BODY ENGLISH for your consumption. It combines two of my favorite things: love and baseball. It will only keep you busy for a lunch break or so, but I hope you enjoy it. Meanwhile, I am going to dart into the brush and keep writing frantically on the next book.

And, yes, you do have to sign up for my email list to get the story; but with the exception of book releases and other events, I promise that I don’t email very often. Our inboxes are all cluttered enough, so I work hard not to be a nuisance. But you WILL be the first to know when the next book is released!

If you are already a member of my email list, you should have received a link to the PDF version of the story in your inbox yesterday. If you prefer the Kindle version, however, please feel free to re-subscribe to the list and it will be sent to you automagically. This will not cause you to receive duplicate emails, because the mail chimp and I sort that out on our end.

If you like the story, please be kind enough to share it by pasting this link in your status or tweet: http://mjpullen.leadpages.net/bodyenglish/  And don’t forget to stop by Facebook and let me know what you think!

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I’m M.J. (Manda) Pullen, an author and mom in the Atlanta, Georgia area. I blog about writing, publishing, motherhood, food, psychology and whatever else strikes me in the moment. Like a baseball to the head.

My books include The Marriage Pact series, a trilogy of funny, semi-realistic Contemporary Romance/Women’s Fiction novels coming Fall 2015 from Thomas Dunne/St. Martin’s Press in association with Macmillan Entertainment. If you enjoyed this entry, you can follow the blog here or click here to join my email list and receive a free short story.  Comments are always welcome. Thanks for stopping by!

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Atlanta Writers: Self-Publishing + Author Platform – Get Tickets Here

There are still tickets left for my Self-Publishing and Author Platform Workshops next weekend. This will probably be the last Atlanta-area workshop for several months, so come on down!

Date: Saturday, January 24, 2015

Time: 9:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m. (Self-Publishing) and 1:00 p.m. to 2:30 p.m. (Author Platform)

Place: Meeting Room #5, Smyrna Community Center, 200 Village Green Cir Smyrna, Ga 30080

Who: The Self-Publishing workshop is for writers and authors who are considering self-publishing as one of their options and want to learn more about their choices, as well as the basic how-to of publishing on Amazon and other sites. The Author Platform workshop is for both self-published and traditionally published authors who would like to understand the basics of developing and building an Author Platform. Focus will be on building a base of readers, supporting books sales, and making your books more attractive to potential publishers.

Both workshops are appropriate for writers of all levels and genres, including both fiction and non-fiction. You do not have to have a completed book to benefit from both workshops.

Sell Tickets Online through Eventbrite

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2014 Books, 2015 Promises

Happy New Year!

A year ago today, I set out a list of 36 books to read in 2014. Of those titles, I managed to read just over a third with these thirteen:

179 Ways to Save a Novel: Matters of Vital Concern to Fiction Writers by Peter Selgin
Someone Else’s Love Story by Joshilyn Jackson
Confessions of a Scary Mommy: An Honest and Irreverent Look at Motherhood: The Good, The Bad, and the Scary by Jill Smokler
Confessions of a Shopaholic (Shopaholic, #1) by Sophie Kinsella [done]
Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese
Divergent (Divergent, #1) by Veronica Roth
Juliet, Naked by Nick Hornby
Rise of the Machines–Human Authors in a Digital World by Kristen Lamb
Strange Brew by Mary Kay Andrews
The First Five Pages: A Writer’s Guide To Staying Out of the Rejection Pile by Noah Lukeman
The Five Destinies of Carlos Moreno by George Weinstein
The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman
Voyager (Outlander, #3) by Diana Gabaldon

I went off-list a good bit this year, too, adding recommendations from friends and going on a bit of a Diana Gabaldon bender (which I blame on both the Starz Outlander TV series and Davina Porter’s unparalleled narration of the audiobooks). Going on a Gabaldon bender means hours and hours of entertainment, but doesn’t do much for the reading list since the Outlander books are all in the 1000-1500 page range (or 55 hours of listening on audiobook). I will have to throw in some novellas next time to even things out. In addition to Voyager, I added Drums of Autumn, The Fiery Cross, and got halfway through A Breath of Snow and Ashes.

I added The Fault in Our Stars, The Husband’s Secret, You Should Have Known, and The Rosie Project on the recommendations of friends. I threw in a few fun reads on my own, too, including The Perks of Being a Wallflower, The Beekeeper’s Apprentice (I am on a bit of a Sherlock Holmes kick) and a fun little read called Brownies and Broomsticks. I got most of the way into Geek Love by Katherine Dunn and had to stop because it just became too intensely gruesome for my blood (not Game of Thrones gruesome but similarly awful in its own way). I usually have a pretty strong stomach for that kind of stuff, but in this case I just had to take a step back. I haven’t shelved it “Abandoned” yet because it was so well-constructed and interesting, with fascinating — to say the least — characters. I may go back to it one day when I’ve had a chance to shore up my constitution. Sometimes I can’t handle stress in life and stress in books at the same time, you know?

In addition to published books, I was fortunate to be an advanced reader for George Weinstein’s The Caretaker, and for Becky Albertalli’s incredible YA book Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda (coming in April 2015). On top of that, I got to beta read four other manuscripts for colleagues, which I hope I’ll be able to one day recommend to you as well.

So even though the numbers fell short this year — and I obviously neglected my reading-about-writing a bit — I still feel pretty satisfied with my literary year. If you want to see more about anything I read this year, please visit my 2014 list on Goodreads. I’d love to hear on Goodreads or in the comments if you read a book that changed you in some way this year. I am always looking for great stuff for my to-read list.

Now, onto 2015. I’ve signed up for the Goodreads challenge to read 40 books this year. Forty!?! A bit ambitious considering I did just over half that this year, but I think I can swing it, especially if I can limit my Outlander consumption a little. And rather than making a list of particular books, I’m just going to read as I will and see what happens. There are definitely books on the 2014 list I would still like to read or revisit. If you’re doing the Goodreads challenge, make sure to connect with me there and keep me posted!

Other goals for 2015: finishing my WIP, tentatively titled “Every Other Saturday Night,” the publication of The Marriage Pact with Thomas Dunne/St. Martin’s Press, attend at least one professional conference, more freelance work, write a poem every day (why not?), and… you know, lose 50 pounds, contribute meaningfully to society in some way, be a better mom, wife, friend, etc.

Totally manageable. Twenty bucks says they’ll find me sobbing face-down in cookie dough within a week.

Happy new year, happy reading, and may all your unrealistic goals come true. Have a great 2015!

 

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Happy(ish) Holidays

A quick note to my friends and readers: thank you so much for your kind interest and patience. Many of you have written to ask when I’ll have something new for you to read (which is UNBELIEVABLY flattering and just the tiniest bit stress-inducing). I am working hard on both the re-publication of The Marriage Pact series with Thomas Dunne/SMP and on a new project that should be available digitally in 2015. To that end and with a few other December doings, this will likely be my last blog of 2014. Happy (really) Holidays! – MJP

Tonight is the first night of Hanukkah. For all the gentiles looking at the calendar and thinking that I’m losing my mind, Jewish holidays always start the night before the first day. It’s confusing, I know. Just go with it. Sunrise, sunset…

Let’s do this thing. #Hanukkah2014 #wepassedoverboardalongtimeago

A photo posted by Manda Pullen (@mjpullenauthor) on Dec 12, 2014 at 5:54am PST

Fozzie and especially Skywalker are going mad, mad, mad with anticipation. I could hardly keep them in their seats at breakfast this morning and away from the cache of presents we have all lined up for each of the eight nights. I’m just going to go ahead and confess that I gave in to the materialism of the season a little bit this year, lured in by Black Friday discounts and fueled by the fact that it’s kind of fun when your babies get old enough to have special things they actually care about. I just want to give them a little bit everything they love, you know? Is that so wrong?

Well, yeah, it is a little bit. I’m going to try to rein it in next year, I swear.

The other piece of it for me is, that without all the joy and excitement of the kids and the fun gatherings with family and friends, this time of year often makes me incredibly sad. I miss my parents horribly. I miss my mom’s cranberry bread and the fact that she always gave us more than she could afford to give (see? I come by it honestly). I even miss the awkward Christmases we had with my Dad in the later years when he didn’t bother putting up a tree and his gifts were usually in check form. He’d say something like, “Here. Get your car battery replaced.” Love you, too, Dad.  And the long, crisp walks into the hinterlands of the farm that was in our family from 1896 and that I very reluctantly had to sell two years ago.

It’s crazy. I miss the dysfunctional way my mom was never on speaking terms with all of her siblings at the same time, and how being back in the little South Georgia town where she experienced so much trauma as a child sometimes caused her to come unhinged. She was often hospitalized by January or February as a result, but we kept going back, year after year. Because that is what families do, dammit. I miss how my Dad’s side of the family were always drunk on Wild Turkey and Coca Cola by one in the afternoon, chain smoking with the windows closed, and openly criticizing my mom and her family, in between racist jokes and gossip about the neighbors.

I miss the way both grandmothers would criticize my weight in one breath and offer me chocolate cake or pecan pie in the next. And they’d just leave it sitting out. Tins and tins of fudge and cookies and homemade pound cake, just sitting on the sideboards in case (I suppose) fifty holiday revelers just happened by the house demanding a sugar fix. But I wasn’t supposed to touch it because everyone was noticing aloud that I had cellulite at only sixteen. And there was literally NOTHING ELSE TO DO but eat, unless you like fishing in forty degree weather or watching barely visible college football through a haze of static in a room that was 95 degrees all the time. And all I could think during every minute of it was, “I bet my friends are having way more fun than I am right now.”

It’s funny how now that my family is mostly gone — parents, grandparents, many aunts and uncles all dead, and my brother very distant in every sense of the word — I’ve become nostalgic for some of the most miserable hours of my life. Because I loved those people, my parents especially, despite their flaws and foibles and occasional cruelty. I don’t long for the life I had then, feeling powerless and adrift on a sea of dysfunction. In many ways I am just grateful that I survived (mostly) with my sanity intact (mostly). But I am still grieving, I guess, that they didn’t survive it with me.  I want to bring my family into the life I have today, to prove to them as I have eventually proven to myself that it is okay to be happy and loved and flexible and kind to one another. That forgiveness and love and light can all be part of daily life, beyond the forced proximity of the December holidays.

We do have cause for joy and gratitude this year. I mean, aside the fact that you’re always supposed to feel joy and gratitude and yadda, yadda, yadda. Things improved a lot for me and my family this year after several VERY hard years previous. I’m hoping we will continue to find peace and meaning and balance in 2015.

As we light the Hanukkah lights this season, I will honor my complicated family background with a few symbolic gestures: you’ll notice the stockings in the background of the picture above; and I may even attempt that cranberry bread myself. But my focus is mostly on making my family’s legacy more positive through the lives and love and memories of our children. I will treasure what little of my family remains and the warm embrace of Hubs’ family, who are wonderful and gracious and treat me like one of their own. I’ve realized that at some point, you have to stop looking back and turn toward the future. You have to take what is good with you, and leave the rest in the dust.

There are so many people in my circles who are struggling this season. People trapped in dysfunctional families or even in abusive relationships who cannot see a way out and don’t know where to turn. Friends who have suffered tremendous losses: jobs, parents, grandparents and most devastatingly, children. Friends overwhelmed by health problems of their own or who are caring for others. People going through their first holiday season far from home, or after a divorce or the loss of someone close to them. It’s amazing how hollow the season of joy can feel when there is an empty place at your table, or when you are simply eating alone.

Even though it envelopes a wide swath of celebrations and well-wishes, “Happy Holidays” seems inadequate in the face of so much sadness and grief. It’s not enough to fill the empty spaces so many of us feel this time of year. But flimsy though it is, it’s what I have to offer (well, that and maybe some burnt latkes and cookies shaped vaguely like menorahs).

So: Happy Holidays.

May your hurts heal, and your pain grow less each day. May your blessings deepen and swell around you. May you find the family you need by being a light in the darkness of others. May your cookies look and taste sort of like the ones in the magazine. May your holiday novels all have satisfying endings. While I’m at it, I also wish you indulgence without regret, peace on earth, and the best parking space at the mall.

See you in 2015, lovies!

~Manda

______________________________________________

I’m M.J. (Manda) Pullen, an author and mom in the Atlanta, Georgia area. I blog about writing, publishing, motherhood, health, psychology and whatever else strikes me in the moment. Like construction trailers.

My books include The Marriage Pact series, a trilogy of funny, semi-realistic Contemporary Romance/Women’s Fiction novels coming Fall 2015 from Thomas Dunne/St. Martin’s Press in association with Macmillan Entertainment. If you enjoyed this entry, please follow along or join my email list.  Thanks for reading!

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Self-Publishing and Author Platform Workshops – January 24, 2015

Two workshops. One day. One happy author.
January 24, 2015
Smyrna Community Center, Room #5
Smyrna, Georgia

Part 1: Self-Publishing: Perks, Pitfalls and Process (see description below)

Time: 9:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m.

For: Writers of all levels and genres (fiction and non-fiction) who are considering self-publishing or weighing their publishing options

Cost: $80

Part 2: Starting out Right: Building your Author Platform

Time: 1:00 p.m. to 2:30 p.m.

For: Traditional and self-publishing authors who want to understand the basics of author platforms, mistakes to avoid, and how to connect with your audience before and after publication.

Cost: $40

Combined Package – Self-Publishing AND Author Platform – $105 (save more than 10% on both)

To register: https://2-in-1-writers.eventbrite.com

About the Workshops

Part 1: Self-Publishing: Perks, Pitfalls and Process

“Can I talk to you about self-publishing?”

I get this question often from my fellow writers, usually when they have completed or nearly completed a book, and are thinking about the next steps. They’ve heard that self-publishing is the road to riches, or that it’s career suicide. Maybe self-publishing is a sign of failure as an author, or perhaps it’s simply the new “slush pile” for editors seeking new talent. So how can you tell if self-publishing is the right choice for you and your book? And if it is the right choice, where do you start?

This 3-hour workshop is designed to help writers of all levels and genres understand the various paths to self-publishing, and how self-publishing fits into the rapidly changing publishing climate. At the end of the workshop, writers will be equipped to determine whether and what kind of self-publishing is a viable choice for them, and have a publishing action plan in place. We’ll discuss your individual goals for your writing, as well as the many options open to new and experienced writers alike.

By the end of this workshop you will be able to:

Understand (briefly) how the publishing industry has been transformed in the past several years and what it means for authors
Articulate goals for your current project, and your career as a writer
Make an informed decision about whether self-publishing is a good choice for you as an author, as well as for each writing project individually
Set measures for success in self-publishing and create a plan for reaching those goals
Follow step-by-step instructions to successful self-publication
Begin the process of publishing your own book the right way, or marketing yourself and your work to agents and publishers

You will also learn:

The difference between self-publishing, indie, hybrid, small-press and traditional publishing
The benefits and drawbacks of the various publishing options, including self-publishing
The importance of genre in writing, publishing and marketing your book
What a “target audience” is and how to find and reach yours
The ins and outs of the Amazon KDP platform and how to optimize it in your favor
How much you should expect to invest in the launch of a newly self-published book
Major mistakes to avoid when publishing your own book

 

Part 2: Author Platform Basics

What is an author platform and why do you need one? As the name implies, the platform is a virtual “stage” from which authors can reach out to readers, agents, and potential publishers. Your platform is your voice in the online world, the primary place where readers will learn about you and your books, recommend you, and interact with you. The platform is also a place to connect on a new level with friends, fans and other writers.

Not only is a platform essential for self-published and independent authors marketing their own books, but traditional publishers increasingly expect authors to establish their platforms well in advance of publication (and sometimes before signing a book deal!)

After this 1.5 hour workshop, you will be able to:

Understand the purpose of a platform and the principles for creating a strong online/print brand identity
Develop an author persona with a consistent voice to draw readers to your writing
Create a basic author platform to support your efforts in EITHER independent or traditional publishing
Learn how blogging helps you become a better writer and can be the best free advertising for your books
Set up a basic social media strategy for your book, including which social media outlets are best for you and your books
Learn many free and cheap ways to advertise and promote your books and your brand

Registration fees include all workshop materials.

What people are saying…

“Great tool for understanding the publishing options currently available to authors, weighing them against one another and aligning them with the goals for your writing career.”

~Chris N., Self-Publishing Workshop, November 2014

“Creditable presentation by an author who knows through personal, successful experiences about the complex worlds of self and traditional publishing.”

~Participant, Self-Publishing Workshop, November 2014

“Fantastic information presented in an entertaining and engaging manner!”

~Participant, Self-Publishing Workshop, November 2014

Register for either or both workshops here: https://2-in-1-writers.eventbrite.com You can also sign up for my writing and publishing email list here: http://eepurl.com/LCyOn.

______________________________________________

I’m M.J. (Manda) Pullen, an author and mom in the Atlanta, Georgia area. I blog about writing, publishing, motherhood, health, psychology and whatever else strikes me in the moment.

My books include The Marriage Pact series, a trilogy of funny, semi-realistic Contemporary Romance/Women’s Fiction novels coming Fall 2015 from Thomas Dunne/St. Martin’s Press in association with Macmillan Entertainment. If you enjoyed this entry, please follow along or join my email list.  Thanks for reading!

 

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10 Self-Publishing Mistakes to Avoid

I shared this list with my self-publishing workshop attendees in November, and thought I would re-post here for anyone interested. If you’re in Atlanta and would like to attend my next self-pub workshop, you can find the information here: https://2-in-1-writers.eventbrite.com

The Top 10 Reasons Newbie Self-Publishers Stumble

Rushing to Publish. The ease of publishing on digital platforms and the prospect of making money (or even just finding out how a book will be received) often lures authors to click “publish” before they are ready. Good writing takes time, including time away from your work to look at it with fresh eyes; several rounds of editing; and professional polish. Don’t skip steps!
Skimping on Editing and Proofing. The bad reputation sometimes attributed to self-published authors is often related to work that is sloppy, poorly edited and unprofessional.
Missing the Hook. Authors who do not understand clearly what will hook their readers can fail to incorporate that hook into cover design, book jacket, marketing pieces and the book itself.
Failing to Listen to Feedback. First-time authors are too often in a stance of defending their work, rather than soaking up every bit of feedback that could make it better. Early readers, critique partners, etc. are a good measure of how your book will be received by your target audience. Listen closely and set aside your ego during edits.
Missing Genre. We’d all like to think that our books transcend genre, or blend many genres; but readers use genre as a decision-making tool when choosing a book. Being unclear about your book’s genre or misunderstanding what readers in a particular genre expect will result in lost sales and bad reviews. (It’s okay to bend the rules of the genre you’re in, but you have to earn it!)
Skipping the Author Platform. Reclusive authors are an endangered species. Readers and potential readers expect SOME ability to interact with you or learn more about you. The time to establish a platform is right now, not when your book is published!
Bad Covers. Your book cover is the first (and sometimes only) impression readers will have. It must look professional, be consistent with the genre, and convey instantly something about the book’s tone, content and hook.
Overselling and Under-marketing. You don’t have to tweet about your book 20 times a day or mention it every time you comment on a blog! Marketing means being present in the places you choose to connect, making it easy for readers to find your books, and demonstrating why they should choose to read something you’ve written. Let your platform speak for you and your books, and use advertising as needed. Don’t confuse social media interactions with advertising. You wouldn’t go up to everyone you meet at a party and try to sell them your book – don’t do it online, either.
Confusing Identities. Many new authors create too many cutesy pen names, Twitter handles, and other identities online. This put obstacles between your platform and your books. Pick one name (preferably your own name or some form of it) and use it everywhere. Use the same or similar pictures of yourself as your profile/avatar on all websites. Pick a clear close-up shot of your face that matches the tone of your writing. Snowmen, coffee cups, wine glasses, books, dogs, etc., do not make good profile pictures.
Undervaluing Your Work. This relates to pricing (e.g. 99 cents vs. $3.99), as well as the amount of time and energy you are willing to invest in making your book successful. Make your book the best it can be, then treat it as such. Let your passion shine through!

If you are in the Atlanta area and want to learn more about self-publishing and/or establishing an author platform for ANY type of publishing, join me on January 24th: https://2-in-1-writers.eventbrite.com or sign up for my writing and publishing email list here: http://eepurl.com/LCyOn.

______________________________________________

I’m M.J. (Manda) Pullen, an author and mom in the Atlanta, Georgia area. I blog about writing, publishing, motherhood, health, psychology and whatever else strikes me in the moment.

My books include The Marriage Pact series, a trilogy of funny, semi-realistic Contemporary Romance/Women’s Fiction novels coming Fall 2015 from Thomas Dunne/St. Martin’s Press in association with Macmillan Entertainment. If you enjoyed this entry, please follow along or join my email list.  Thanks for reading!

 

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Eggnog Lattes, ADD and World Domination: the NaNoWriMo Wrap Up

They took it away. They brought it back. They’re toying with us. Photo credit: Starbucks, Benevolent Overlords

Good morning and happy December! This is the month for mistletoe, Christmas lights and latkes. It’s also time for  my traditional ‘Holy Crap Where Did the Year Go, I’ve Accomplished Nothing’ freakout. And eggnog lattes at Starbucks, which are not only delicious but prove that even Starbucks is human. Unless they aren’t. Because if they are an alien race who have infiltrated every corner of the globe to conquer and enslave us when they think the time is right, I think we’re just going to have to surrender. They have us surrounded and we’re all addicted to whatever they put in pumpkin spice lattes. Just saying.

SortaNaNoWriMo

Around the world today, thousands of writers are waking up to those tasty and totally-not-mind-control-related eggnog lattes feeling hungover and exhausted. They are flexing their sore fingers, shaking their literary heads and wondering what they missed this month (hint: Ferguson).  Many of those writers made it to 50,000 words in November, which is the NaNoWriMo goal. If you’re among them, congratulations!

Sadly, I am not among that number, but I’m happy to say that I did surpass my own personal goal of 30,000 words with 32,023. That number is also a palindrome, and I’m going to pretend it’s a more interesting one than 50,005 would have been. Considering that November included not only Thanksgiving and the corresponding vacation for my kids, but also my first time teaching a self-publishing workshop, a random car accident that ate an entire week and a few other unexpected hiccups, I’m calling 32,023 a win.

In fact, let’s just declare November a win month for everyone. Whatever you did this month, it was fantastic, appropriate and/or fulfilling; and more importantly, it was enough. You are Charlie Sheen, baby. Winning. Yay, validation!

I’m pretty excited about the project I began for NaNoWriMo, actually, and I hope to be able to share more with you soon. You guys are probably annoyed with me for all the hints and rumors of what I might be working on that haven’t panned out (yet). The truth is, I’m famous for my ADD-style of choosing, working on, and abandoning projects. And sometimes coming back to them again. In fact, my forthcoming titles include: Shiny Objects, Investigating Weird Sounds that Turn Out to be Nothing, and What Was That Middle Part Again?

Really, I will go ahead and share that one of the main characters in my current romantic comedy project is the divorced dad of a preschooler, and I am really enjoying the story so far. I hope you will, too, and soon! On that note, it’s time to go make lunches, haul my kids out of bed and try to remind them that getting dressed and brushing our teeth before 7:00 a.m. is a thing.

Enjoy your end of year freakout, or your eggnog latte! (And Starbucks, if you’re reading, I just want you to know that I think you’ll be just fantastic at running the planet. And please bring back almond syrup.)

______________________________________________

I’m M.J. (Manda) Pullen, an author and mom in the Atlanta, Georgia area. I blog about writing, publishing, motherhood, health, psychology and whatever else strikes me in the moment. Or whatever I can remember to do.

My books include The Marriage Pact series, a trilogy of funny, semi-realistic Contemporary Romance/Women’s Fiction novels coming Fall 2015 from Thomas Dunne/St. Martin’s Press in association with Macmillan Entertainment. If you enjoyed this entry, please follow along or join my email list.  Thanks for reading!

 

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Attention Writers: Don’t Accept Fake Reviews

Sometimes it’s a little suspicious…

Because I think this issue is so important, I am taking time away from NaNoWriMo to re-post here what I wrote on my Facebook page yesterday. My friends and fellow authors, J.K. Barber, brought to my attention their post about a conversation with publicist Louise Carter; and I wanted to share it far and wide so other authors realize that this kind of stuff is not… well, it’s not Kosher.

In the post (see below) Katie shares screenshots of a conversation she had on Facebook with Carter who approached her to do a “review swap” with another author. When Katie said she’d be unable to read the book in question and politely declined, the publicist indicated that there was no reason Katie needed to read the book at all. She’d just send along a review she had already written and all Katie had to do was post it.  Katie told the woman she was reporting her to the other author, who did not know this was how his publicist was getting reviews for him.

Here’s what I wrote on Facebook, followed by the post from the Barbers. Elaboration below.

Yesterday in my self-publishing workshop, we talked about publishing ethics, and this kind of conversation is exactly why I bothered….I actually heard about another publicist encouraging this behavior at a conference recently, too. This kind of garbage breaks trust with readers and gives us ALL a bad name. Write a great book and stand by it. If you work hard promoting and give people a book worth sharing, the genuine reviews WILL come. If someone offers to “get you reviews” for money, make sure that you understand the way they are doing it. Review swaps are not okay if you haven’t actually read the work in question; and neither are phony reviews written by a publicist and distributed like this.

If you want to see the conversation, here is the post by J. K. Barber.

There are many opinions when it comes to ethics and reviews. And there are some gray areas. For example, some people are comfortable reminding/asking their fans to review books they’ve read; some are not. Some people think it’s unethical to solicit reviews in any way from anyone; and that if authors are really being ethical they won’t allow their friends and family to post reviews about their books online. (The question of how you stop friends from reviewing your books is a whole different barrel of monkeys).

Others, myself included, think it’s okay to allow or even ask friends to review your book IF they’ve read it and IF you can reasonably expect their review to be a true reflection of their opinion. What I mean by that is that if your good friend read your book and genuinely loved it, it’s okay for her to get online and say why she loved it. If she wants to say that she’s your friend or she was a beta reader to be absolutely transparent, great. If not, that’s not a big sticking point for me. Realistically I think the first few reviews for any book are going to come from people who are close to the author, whether personally close or just fans of his/her work. That’s who reads a book first, isn’t it? A discerning reader looking at those first few reviews can probably guess that they aren’t completely unbiased; but they hopefully still contain information that will help the reader decide whether or not to purchase the book.


And really, ALL reviews are biased. They’re opinions, they carry all kinds of bias with them no matter who writes them. My friend who was inclined to like my book because she already likes me is biased; and the reader who was disinclined to like it because she doesn’t like books with infidelity and alcohol in them is biased, too. That’s okay, it’s part of how the system works. After a few reviews, the various directions of bias begin to cancel one another out and you get an overall picture of what is likable and not likable about the book.


Which is what reviews are for.


The whole thing about having friends review your work is a matter for debate. Different authors can draw the line at different places and all still be acting within the realm of ethical behavior, provided that there is no dishonesty involved, no pressure, no fake book orgasms.

What is NOT in the realm of ethical behavior is reviewing or rating a book that you haven’t read in exchange for money or quid pro quo (or because it was written by a friend and you didn’t really make the time to read it even though you promised you would). It’s not okay to have a publicist do any of this on your behalf. It’s not okay to post a review that someone else has written for you, especially about a book you haven’t read. It’s not okay to put a 5-star rating on the book of the guy sitting next to you at the writer’s conference if he agrees to do the same for you — unless you read one another’s books first and promise to be honest and disclose your relationship in the review, in which case a sleazy tactic becomes a decent idea.


If promoters like Louise Carter feel the need to hide their methods from the authors they serve, that should be a red flag to all of us that this kind of thing is wrong, wrong, wrong. I don’t know anything about Louise other than this one Facebook conversation and the fact that I believe based on knowing Katie Barber personally that it is genuine. But I do know there are hundreds of ethical, creative ways to market books. Any publicist worth her salt should be finding, innovating and championing those methods for her clients.


Our little online community of authors and readers is based on trust, and reviews are one mechanism by which that trust is manifested. We trust readers to be as honest and fair as they can be when they review books; in turn, readers trust us to be transparent and let our work speak for itself. I’ll repeat here what I said in my self-publishing workshop: I know how hard it is to put that book out there and be sitting on six or ten reviews; when you need twenty (or more) to qualify for many promotional platforms or to have the credibility readers look for. I remember that anxiety, and I understand the temptation to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get those numbers up. Do something, but don’t do this. Don’t violate your integrity, and don’t let someone talk you into promoting your book by compromising your reputation.


Once it’s gone, it’s hard to get back.

______________________________________________

I’m M.J. (Manda) Pullen, an author and mom in the Atlanta, Georgia area. I blog about writing, publishing, motherhood, health, psychology and whatever else strikes me in the moment.

My books include The Marriage Pact series, a trilogy of funny, semi-realistic Contemporary Romance/Women’s Fiction novels coming Fall 2015 from Thomas Dunne/St. Martin’s Press in association with Macmillan Entertainment. If you enjoyed this entry, please follow along or join my email list.  Thanks for reading!

The post Attention Writers: Don’t Accept Fake Reviews appeared first on MJ Pullen.

Fender Bender

Well, it’s more like Fender Ripper-Offer, but that doesn’t roll off the tongue, does it?

Dramatization

I hurt my back two days ago, which I am going to pretend has nothing to do with the fact that I am now officially 39; and between that and the fact that Skywalker developed a 3 a.m. fever, I didn’t sleep much the night before last.

This means that Skywalker was stuck going to the chiropractor with me yesterday. On the way, I made a stupid but not serious miscalculation and got side-swiped by a passing construction trailer. The guy pulled over and I followed him, hating myself the whole way. Skywalker, thankfully, didn’t notice anything was wrong and kept telling me the story of how Darth Vader came about.

I got out of the car to look at the damage, which was limited to the fact that the whole front panel of Vaneschewitz was hanging off and you could see straight through to her washer fluid. I was kind of embarrassed for her, actually. Remember when cars had bumpers?

The guy I hit was all set to yell at me, he was defending himself by blaming me from the minute he got out of his truck. Why is this our first response after a car accident? I mean, clearly I was okay because I was up walking around, but dude, would it have killed you to ask? I’m staring at the van thinking, 30 seconds. I could’ve waited 30 seconds to get through traffic instead of rushing around and getting hit for no good reason.

So he’s explaining to me how this is all my fault and I can’t think what to do, because I know this already but that information doesn’t get me to the chiropractor or get my kid back home to bed, so I lift up Vanny’s sagging front and try to POP IT BACK ON. It’s plastic, so it should pop back on, right? Hmm…

“Can you help me?” I ask, and those are the magic words. He’s a construction guy or a landscape guy or something practical, and now I am speaking his language. Can this problem be solved? So he kneels down, blame forgotten, and tries my same approach. Then we try together. But it’s not popping back on and little chunks of gray plastic are hitting the pavement. It’s sort of gruesome and awful. I love that van. And I had a day planned today.

“Oh, there are pieces falling out,” he says, and I can see that he gets it now, because he might as well have said, “Oh, your leg is bleeding profusely.” I am trying hard not to cry. I have a rule about crying in front of strangers. And bosses. I’ve broken both, often, so I don’t know what it is I’m so worried about. I keep looking at the road ahead, trying to remember the distance from the parking lot we’re in to the chiropractor’s office, a gas station (did I mention I was almost out of gas?) or even the Starbucks across the street.

He looks in the back window. “Oh. And you have a kid in the car, too.”

Yeah, dude. I know most people use minivans to cart around portable orgies with sex and drugs and disco lights, but I use mine for hauling my kids. Go figure.

“Wait,” he says, and I can see that he’s torn between irritation that I’ve slowed him on his way to wherever he was hauling his equipment and sympathy at the realization that I am a real person and this ended much worse for me than for him. Then he utters the pass-phrase of manly men everywhere. “Let me get you a bungee cord.”

So, while I might wish he had done something more helpful (like talk me out of driving anywhere and asking if we needed a lift or a phone, or you know, NOTHING at all) I do appreciate in spirit that this man went to his truck, got a bright red bungee cord and strapped the front half of my car to the back half. The Beverly Hillbillies would’ve been proud. “That should hold long enough for you to get somewhere.”

I wasn’t even back in the van before he was gone; I can only assume his trailer was unscathed. Or that he likes it scathed. I hesitated only briefly, head beating softly on the steering wheel, before abandoning the relative safety of the shopping center parking lot for the open road, hoping to make it… somewhere. The dealership a few miles away? Maybe just to the chiropractor so I could get adjusted while I waited for a tow if it came to that. If I didn’t make it to the chiropractor, I knew there was a gas station a half mile up on the corner.

Um, yeah. I didn’t make it that far. Do you know what a huge plastic bumper sounds like as it scrapes the road repeatedly, threatening to fall off and be run over or possibly, I don’t know… melt? Skywalker and I do. It’s unnerving.

So it turns out the bungee cord was not the panacea we’d hoped and we found ourselves stranded in a tiny little subdivision a quarter mile away. I couldn’t reach Hubs and I hate, hate, hate feeling so helpless without him — even for a few minutes, and even though I knew he was too far away to be much help. That’s not the girl my Daddy raised. So I let myself cry in frustration for about 30 seconds, hugged Skywalker and told him he could relax and read his books. At least it was a beautiful day. Several phone calls and an hour of bored five-year old trapped in a car later, and we got to ride in the cab of a tow truck with the windows down while the truck driver told us about raising three boys on his own after a divorce. He gave Skywalker a lollipop and told him to listen to his mom before sending us on our way. I don’t want to jinx it, but I think maybe that made an impression because he was really well-behaved the rest of the morning.

Shuttling between the roadside and the repair shop, then the repair shop and the car rental place; waiting and then rushing and then waiting again; and moving the carseats from one car to the next to the next and feeling only slightly mortified at the number of crumbs and old Cheerios that fell out of one car seat every time anyone touched it; our morning was pretty much nonstop adventure. Our shuttle driver was from Glasgow and we managed to talk politics a little before he dropped us off.

“Did you know you’re on empty?” the collision guy said as he turned on the van to check the mileage. “Please tell me you were on your way to a gas station when this happened.”

“Did you know you don’t have rental car coverage?” The insurance guy said. “It would’ve been just a couple dollars a month.”

“Did you know you have a $1000 deductible?” The repairs are $1072, by the way.

So, okay. We didn’t knock it out of the park yesterday. I didn’t even make it to the chiropractor. And I prefer Vanischewitz with her front panel intact. But on the plus side, my back feels better. It turns out that bouncing up and down on a carseat with your hand wedged in the seat reaching for that damn LATCH clasp and saying my special magic car seat incantation (It goes “Fuckity Fucking Fuck Fuck” if you want to try it with your own car seat) is great for the lower back. And Skywalker was a major trooper the whole time, even though his nose was runny and he wanted to be home playing on the computer. And no one got hurt and we made it to pick up Fozzie on time with the rental car.

Plus, you know, free bungee cord. So there’s that.

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I’m M.J. (Manda) Pullen, an author and mom in the Atlanta, Georgia area. I blog about writing, publishing, motherhood, health, psychology and whatever else strikes me in the moment. Like construction trailers.

My books include The Marriage Pact series, a trilogy of funny, semi-realistic Contemporary Romance/Women’s Fiction novels coming Fall 2015 from Thomas Dunne/St. Martin’s Press in association with Macmillan Entertainment. If you enjoyed this entry, please follow along or join my email list.  Thanks for reading!

 

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