Kristy Berridge's Blog, page 8

Manufacturer instructions.You know what I’m talking about...

Manufacturer instructions.
You know what I’m talking about, those little balled up pieces of paper outlining the step-by-step instructions on how to assemble whatever godforsaken piece of flat-pack equipment you’ve purchased. This is not limited to wooden shelves with missing screws or Swedish cabinets sent to test your patience; this also includes: clothes, food items and household goods. 
I’ve been thinking about this often lately, given numerous amounts of people killed in fiery crashes believing their ‘Cruise Control’ button would ‘auto-pilot’ their vehicles. Most of us don’t own a Mercedes Benz so this is technology not yet possible for people like me on a minimum wage; plus, we’re definitely not on Star Trek. It does go to show, though, how stupid we can all be even when given these life-saving instructions. Even from birth we’re trying to contradict safety precautions by licking the ends of batteries and shoving knives in the toaster. We still ignore the manufacturer instructions as adults and always seem to finish projects with ‘extra’ pieces or some sort of grievous, bodily wound. 
Now I’m no expert, but it occurred to me that one of two things need to change. One: as adults we need to take the time to read these little seemingly waste-of-time pieces of paper to ensure safety and correct assembly. Two: stop being moronic and realise cars cannot yet fly, electricity will kill you when combined with water and the shower door is dangerous to male erections and nipples on exit.If we could take five minutes to digest logic and simply apply it to the multiple situations that could presume death or dismemberment, the world would be a much better place filled with a lot less stupid individuals.
Do you not agree?
(During the making of this blog I will neither confirm nor deny that the shower door incident has happened to either The Cockney or myself)

Kristy J

Turkey Slapping.Yes, this is a topic and one I wouldn’t u...

Turkey Slapping.
Yes, this is a topic and one I wouldn’t usually discuss via social media, particularly when in inference to a sexually inappropriate action.
But since I’m all about being inappropriate on most occasions, I figured we’d take a little nose-dive into this topic for a brief moment in time. 
For those of you unaware—and feel free to google it if you want pictorial evidence—turkey slapping is the act of a man literally slapping a woman in the face with his … um … breadstick. 
Most women will admit that this has happened to them on more than one occasion and if it hasn’t, you’re either a nun, lying or living with a eunuch.
In most cases, this generally occurs because your partner thinks he’s a comedian and desires nothing more than slapping you in the face with his mediocre genitalia in the hopes you might open wide and swallow. Other times it’s because you’re shaving your legs in the shower, both of you turn at once and presto! Face full of pink! Other times you’re climbing ladders, surfacing in the swimming pool with your eyes closed, hungry or having a good laugh with your demented other half and compelled to slap him back.
The point is; it happens. 
A few weeks ago my bestie was visiting and was fortunate enough to experience this delightful activity for herself from none other than … The Cockney.Yes, you heard right. My partner decided to bestow my best friend with this precious gift laden with inappropriate humour. And though I hear women everywhere gasping--to be fair--it was the most ridiculously funny thing I have seen in ages.
Picture this; a day trip on the jet ski takes us to a remote island with crystal clear waters and an abundance of marine life … including sea cucumbers. Do you see it now? The Cockney wrangled one of those bad boys from the ocean floor and proceeded to gently attack my bestie with its slimy skin. She squealed with laughter as he thrust it at her neck, cheek and even attempted to shove it in her mouth. I was beside myself, having no idea whether to laugh, cry or shield watchful children from this sordid act of marine depravity. 
Needless to say we all laughed until we cried. The children watching cried, but they’re someone else’s problem and it was a memory none of us would forget.
Happy Turkey Slapping.

Kristy J

To be health conscious these days is to be super trendy a...

To be health conscious these days is to be super trendy and it’s amazing how many people are on the bandwagon and just exactly how many people have an opinion regarding your choices.
Take me for example, I have recently turned Vegan. To those uncertain of this term, it means I no longer eat any animal products; i.e. meat and dairy. It’s simply gobsmacking how many people have enquired into my general well-being and if my funeral will be announced anytime in the near future. I mean really, just because I’m not ingesting a cow or scarfing a pound of butter a day does not mean I will die. Rest assured, I did not become a Vegan to save the animals, make daisy chains and spread messages of peace and love, I turned to this alternate form of eating because I’d become a bloated, gassy mess with bad skin.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m no cover model now, but I’m definitely better off for making the decision to change my lifestyle and eating habits. Interestingly enough, it really does seem to bother some people I encounter. My mother initially worried because my bones would break and my hair would fall out. My dad worried we’d never eat at our favourite steak restaurant again and The Cockney thought the refrigerator would be incessantly stocked with Tofu and black beans. I understand these concerns because these are the people that love me and want to make sure we still dine out regularly, I don’t fall to pieces if I crash-dive down a set of stairs or that Sunday dinners at home still include a dead animal roasted and stuffed with trimmings.
Funnily enough it’s strangers and work colleagues that give me the most unwarranted feedback concerning my personal health journey. It seems that when you open your lunch box and salad looms behind the lid that you must be crash-dieting or if you ask a waiter to make simple amendments to an order, you’re forced to endure the eye rolls of impatience.
Since becoming Vegan I’ve often wondered if this sort of treatment is prevalent to many different minority groups. For instance; do the Jewish cop shit about their curly beards and crazy sideburns? I suspect there is always someone suppressing their desire to high-five someone in the face with a chair for constantly scrutinising their chosen way of life. The lesson to be learned is tolerance. I will learn to be tolerant of overly-opinionated dropkicks because there is no way in hell that said drongos are ever going to stop freedom of speech and vocally distributing their biased thoughts. I guess in some ways you do have respect the confidence supporting these views, even if sometimes you just want to eat your damn lettuce in peace!

Kristy J

Hi everyone,We at Shadow Ink Press would like to give to ...

Hi everyone,
We at Shadow Ink Press would like to give to you our loyal readers, a free eBook copy of The Hunted.  
But wait! There is a requirement....in order to redeem your free copy, you will need to click on this link www.shadowinkpress.com.au  to our website and sign our guestbook. In your message, you must tell us that you want The Hunted. 
Once you do this, we will email to you, your free download link.
Be quick, as this amazing offer is limited to the first 2500 people....YES, 2500 lucky readers will receive this eBook free.
We do hope that you enjoy reading this amazing book and that it will inspire you to look at more books written by Kristy Berridge.
Why don't you get your hands on volume 2 - The Damned and volume 3 - The Aligned in the Hunted series too. 


Vol 2 
http://amzn.to/1MSHEbn             

Vol 3
http://amzn.to/1KU89Mr                                           



   
We do hope that you enjoy this amazing offer.  As always, we appreciate any feedback you may have. :)
Stephanie

Picture this; my wet salty tears streaming in abundance n...

Picture this; my wet salty tears streaming in abundance now that my holiday has come to an end. I explored a bit of Europe, enjoyed the chill weather and rather had a breakdown the moment I realised it was all over. Now that I’m back in my day job (since writing doesn’t exactly line the pockets) I’m feeling rather annoyed that reality has snuck in and taken me hostage; I say hostage because I simply cannot eat without a job and I do like my food …The upside, (because I think it’s important to find a silver lining) is that my best friend came for a week-long stay intersecting with my return. Some would consider it poor timing with the suitcases barely emptied and the house covered in travel paraphernalia to receive a visitor, but The Cockney and I are all about rolling with the moment. So, with a million loads of washing still on the go and the mattresses exploding in plumes of dust when sitting on them, she jumped on board with our jetlag and slotted into our return to life.While we slaved away at work all day, she chilled on our sofa or visited old friends. She even helped with the cleaning which I certainly didn’t expect, but was super grateful since The Cockney is the ultimate adult child and makes more mess than a Piñata. Seriously, he has more clothes changes in one day than a supermodel and goes through socks because he thinks it’s the solution to cleaning the floors.

One day I will introduce him to the hoover.
Anyway, amongst having to earn a crust and trying to be social, I found her presence amazing therapy after the monotony of having to resume the formalities of everyday life, but like all good things they come to an end. Just like my holiday, she left me in a flurry of tears and I wondered if it was good for my emotional health to keep surrendering to this rollercoaster of highs and lows, but then I realised something. It’s these moments; the holidays and time spent with good friends that make you appreciate how few and far between the dark moments in life really are. In the last two months I have laughed one hundred times more than I have cried, but it’s often forgotten in times of misery. So, to sum up; enjoy life­­­­. Don't waste tears on anything that isn't permanent and laugh as often as possible; it’s good for you.

Hi everyone,We at Shadow Ink Press would like to give to ...

Hi everyone,
We at Shadow Ink Press would like to give to you our loyal readers, a free eBook copy of The Hunted.  
But wait! There is a requirement....in order to redeem your free copy, you will need to click on this link www.shadowinkpress.com.au  to our website and sign our guestbook. In your message, you must tell us that you want The Hunted. 
Once you do this, we will email to you, your free download link.
Be quick, as this amazing offer is limited to the first 2500 people....YES, 2500 lucky readers will receive this eBook free.
We do hope that you enjoy reading this amazing book and that it will inspire you to look at more books written by Kristy Berridge.
Why don't you get your hands on volume 2 - The Damned and volume 3 - The Aligned in the Hunted series too. 


Vol 2 
http://amzn.to/1MSHEbn             

Vol 3
http://amzn.to/1KU89Mr                                           



   
We do hope that you enjoy this amazing offer.  As always, we appreciate any feedback you may have. :)
Stephanie

Have you ever noticed how often people seem to be in a hu...

Have you ever noticed how often people seem to be in a hurry? Hurrying to get on the train, hurrying to be the first to pick a seat in the cinema or kicking kids in the shins to make it to the head of the toilet cue.Okay, so the last example was me since this is a serious issue in cold weather. I literally cannot go more than thirty minutes without urinary relief in cold climates ...
Anyway, people in a hurry. It happens everywhere with every race in most circumstances and is easily avoidable if you're not prone to temper tantrums or bladder problems.
The first is aeroplanes; take a chill pill people. No need to push and shove to get on board, that stinky bastard who pushed in front of you at the coffee shop will be waiting in aisle 6C regardless. So, you might as well wait, eat an onion sandwhich and fart like a geriatric when finally seated next to them. You'll feel better in more ways than one.
The second is Football games; calm down and buy that uncapped beer. Drink until your stomach hurts and then spew on that asshole who bought the last supporter t-shirt sitting directly in front of you. They're going to hate that new vomit-covered t-shirt now, but you'll feel better and ready for more ale.
The third is shopping centre carparks; it's okay if you didn’t get to ram that obnoxious teen listening to deafening techno while parking sideways in two bays, there's always the parent's park or handicapped zones.Too far? Okay, well the point is that how you perceive a situation greatly impacts on your experience of it. You can choose the method of acceptance or you can channel karma and hope you don't get swept up in the resultant swing of your own poor behaviour.
I personally opt for the fifty-fifty arrangement by where half the time I smile politely and allow people to walk all over me and the other fifty percent of the time I'm physically abusing anyone who gets in my way in a toilet cue.
This bladder waits for nobody!

Hi everyone,We at Shadow Ink Press would like to give to ...

Hi everyone,
We at Shadow Ink Press would like to give to you our loyal readers, a free eBook copy of The Hunted.  
But wait! There is a requirement....in order to redeem your free copy, you will need to click on this link www.shadowinkpress.com.au  to our website and sign our guestbook. In your message, you must tell us that you want The Hunted. 
Once you do this, we will email to you, your free download link.
Be quick, as this amazing offer is limited to the first 2500 people....YES, 2500 lucky readers will receive this eBook free.
We do hope that you enjoy reading this amazing book and that it will inspire you to look at more books written by Kristy Berridge.
Why don't you get your hands on volume 2 - The Damned and volume 3 - The Aligned in the Hunted series too. 


Vol 2 
http://amzn.to/1MSHEbn             

Vol 3
http://amzn.to/1KU89Mr                                           



   
We do hope that you enjoy this amazing offer.  As always, we appreciate any feedback you may have. :)
Stephanie

To say that I'm organised is a massive understatement. I ...

To say that I'm organised is a massive understatement. I make lists and fulfill their requirements and my house is always tidy and organised---my work space, even more considered. So, when I started using my spare time to write blogs while on holiday and then lost all of them due to dodgy Wi-Fi, you can imagine my discontent.
Mornings that should have been spent luxuriating in bed being fondled by The Cockney were actually spent madly typing my ongoing ridiculousness. Thus on the morning when I clicked the 'send' button in my email to hastily send documents loaded with hilarity and they failed and then disappeared as quickly as my pay check during a shoe sale, The Cockney saw a new and very colourful side of me.
I'm not sure what appalled him more; my overall collective use of the 'F' word in various, descriptive sentences or the amount of hotel furniture I threatened to turn into kindling.
Of course there is a moral to this story which every idiot like me knows off by heart, but remembering to save or back-up your device when hurrying through the motions to get on with the business of enjoying a holiday really is on the back-burner of prioritisation.Hence, my sexless, but literary brilliant morning had been swallowed by a rookie error in organisation.
Now I sit in my airplane seat sandwiched between a comatose Cockney and a fat Hungarian wearing a plaid hat, saving my documents every time the seat belt sign switches on or off---a little reminder not to be so unorganised in the future.

Kristy ;)

When on holidays you make multiple concessions regarding ...

When on holidays you make multiple concessions regarding your usual habits or the choices that you might make. For instance, you don't eat the same types of food or control the portions as you might otherwise do and you most certainly don't save your pennies or yell at bus drivers for the harsh breaking that smears lipstick all over your face. You deal with all the little nuisances because you're having an amazing time.
The Cockney and I are sleeping in the spare bedroom at the parental's house; two single trundle beds of varying height and size pushed together to complete a rather hazardous sleeping arrangement when attempting to touch one another.Most nights we're both happy to contemplate sleep, other nights we try to embrace via a tentative finger hold over the two mattresses or a foot lock via the bed sheets. Last night we attempted the impossible; ninja sex.
At precisely half past the hour we had finished, semi-satisfied and delighted that the bed springs had resisted the temptation to groan in protest or the timber slats creak with displeasure. The only problem was ... how and where to dispose of the rubbery evidence of our tryst. You see, in the UK, they recycle everything and thus the rubbish is eagerly sorted into various piles by the household owner for fear of massive fines--undoubtedly this would have included our ninja remains so we stashed it in my handbag for future disposal outside of the prying eyes of the parentals.
Picture this; the next day we were escorted on a private tour of the house of parliament and the prime minister’s residence complete with full security checks. As my handbag loaded with sexual aftermath passed repeatedly through the scanner with guards smirking and pointing, I was waiting to be questioned, quartered and then killed.
Needless to say I managed to escape unharmed but The Cockney’s DNA is now swimming around somewhere under parliament house---my opportunity to dispose of our rubber package, flushed at the very first opportunity. Lesson learned; no more ninja sex!

Kristy ;)