Mariane Reign's Blog, page 2

What feelings are capable of.

I feel stupid. I've been a prisoner of my feelings towards him since the day he said he liked me. And that was six years ago. I wasn't able to say yes when he asked me to be his girlfriend because he was presumed to be in love with another girl and was in a relationship with her. I said "No", of course, not allowing the large amount of irrationality my feelings toward him provided. It turned out I'm sane enough to refuse him after all.

Now six years later, I've tallied days and nights within the bars of my own feelings towards him. Ah. Feelings. There are so many things that they can do. They can drive a sane person crazy, make the smartest person stupid and manipulate the most controlled person in the world. I have questioned my feelings for him throughout that span of six years. The attraction theory of proximity says that a person falls in love with another person because of closeness. You fell in love with him/her because you see each other every, talk to each other everyday and share stories about each other's love. Why, then, have my feelings remained if I haven't even seen a single shadow of him in person since he left for Manila? Why did the simple feeling of attraction towards him dived into something deeper when the longest conversation we had was a one minute facebook chat? Why do I think of actually loving him when all he did was ignore me and show very obvious signs that he's uninterested? Why do I still hope for a "something more" from him if I knew what he felt for me was less than what I feel for him? Why did I come to develop such feelings without basis?

I do not want to push myself where I'm not wanted. But I can't seem to help but remember fragments about him that once made me smile. That made me wish I had the same things with him again. But it's stupid, right? I try my best to catch his attention when his attention is obviously running away from me. (Deep sigh) Why is he so hard to forget? On the first place, why didn't I forget about him? Maybe that's the mystery of feelings. We just feel them without providing explanations.

`PAG AKO DEPRESSEDPag ako depressed, `wag mo akong kukuli...

`PAG AKO DEPRESSED
Pag ako depressed, `wag mo akong kukulitin.Baka biglang mag-init ang ulo ko’t basta ka nalang suntukin.Pag ako depressed, hayaan mokong manahimik. Baka matunaw ka sa mga mata kong nanlilisik. 
Pag ako depressed, hayaan mo nalang. `Pag pinansin kasi, lalong lalala yan. Pag ako depressed, hayaan mo akong umiyak. Kesa naman daanin ko pa sa suntok at tadyak. 
Pag ako depressed, ayokong nagsasalita,Iniipon ko ang galit na ayokong makawala.Pag ako depressed, mas mabuting mag-isaAyoko kasing may nakakapansin at nakakakita na iba. 
Pag ako, depressed, gusto ko, ako lang ang may alam. Ayoko kasi nang may bigla nalang na nangingialam.Pag ako, depressed, hayaan mo akong matulog. Iyon ang paraan ko para lumipas ang init ng ulo. 
Pag ako depressed, dapat, walang load. Tiyak, sigurado ako, magkakaron ng eskandalo. Pag ako, depressed, wag mokong tanungin ng, “Malungkot ka ba?”Baka sagutin kita, “Hindi, masaya. Nakasimangot lang para naman maiba.”
Pag ako, depressed, ayoko nang jino-joke. Baka mamaya, may umuwi nang dumudugo ang ilong. Pag ako, depressed, ayoko sa sarili ko. Pero pagkatapos n`on, love ko na ako. (hehe)
Pag ako, depressed, wag kang tanong nang tanong. Kung gusto kong pag-usapan, sasabihin ko, iba-blog ko pa yon.Pag ako, depressed, walang pakialaman. Ayokong pag-usapan, tumahimik ka diyan. 
Pag ako, depressed, laging nakasimangot. Alangan namang ngumiti ako? Wag kang loko-loko. Pag ako depressed, nakakapag-sulat ako ng mahabang tula. Wow, ang galing. Tama ka, depressed akong talaga.
*BOW*

INVISIBLE MANI was lying with him in the soft summer gras...

INVISIBLE MAN
I was lying with him in the soft summer grassI looked at him and he looked back with a laugh. He possessed the most stunning brown eyesSo mesmerizing that it could melt my heart of ice.
He stood up, bowed and asked for my hand. He pulled me close to him for a sweet medley of a dance. I stood on his toes and hugged him close. And from that moment, my heart, from the dead, it rose.
He started humming a song in my earThe lyrics possessed the words I’ve been needing to hear. I knew he’d be the one worthy of my I love you.And even the same one whom I’d say ‘I do’ to.
As I prepare myself for our long lingering spin, I knew that moment, in his heart I’d win. As I sought in the smooth summer breezeI felt him hold my hand in a slight loving squeeze.
My whole world faded when I fell downNo one was there to catch me, no one caught my hand. The summer breeze was gone and replaced by the windThe sunlight was gone, behind the clouds it hid.
I looked around and he was not there anymoreMy smile faded and my whole body went sore.Now I’m back to my world were my dreams began
Looks like I was dancing again with my invisible man. 

Trilogy.

Every person who knows my dreams as a writer would probably know how much I want to write a trilogy. But of course, since school is so selfish (since it really requires my full attention), my trilogy ideas were forced to a halt. But I have to tell you, though, that I have no plans of thrashing my trilogy ideas. I have three concepts for a trilogy. One including a triplet, one that includes love letters and one about endearments.

Villente Brothers. This, I really am planning to pursue. If you read my tweets, I've once tweeted about the Villente brothers. I love them, really. They level up to my love for the Legarda clan. I have plotted each guy's story and profile and I must say I find it really exciting to write. It's a romantic-comedy, as usual. A trilogy that includes a triplet that are so similar yet so different in terms of personality. I'll keep the names and plots to myself as of the moment. I've written about two or three scenes on the first book but have written each book's outline on my notebook. I've been itching to write them too!! The heroines, too, are so far my favorites. I know, I think I say that to every book but the Villente Bros' heroines are awesome. I'm also thrilled to play with the situations in the trilogy. . . Oops. I almost spilled something!

Love Letters. In this trilogy plan (which I'm not sure would end up fulfilled), I return to the old way of courting and expression of love--love letters...the written ones. I love old-fashioned guys so the main hero (which I plan to call Xander) is modeled from the traditional and old-fashioned males. Hints: he loves to read, write, sleep (I love a guy who sleeps a lot), a bit arrogant (except to his heroine), and sweet!

Endearments. This, I'm not sure about. It's about three playboys who use endearments because they can't remember they're exes and dates' names until they met three ladies whose names they cannot seem to stop thinking about.


Someday, I hope this will come true. Just pray for me as of the moment. I have a college life to survive from.

Senior Sentiments

In my mind, my freshman year is still as fresh as the morning breeze. I could still remember what happened on my first day in college and how nervous I felt about meeting new people. Questions such as "Will I have friends?", "Can I do this?", "Will I fit in?" and "Will I survive?" rung through my brain like never-ending gun shots. My freshman year was a school year of discovery. I didn't notice the time when I entered second year and then third year and then....bloody hell, I'm now a senior. 
It's been exactly 29 days since my senior year started. Whoever said that the senior year is the easiest year should rewind his senior days. I've been a senior only for 29 days but I already feel the thick pressure seeping through every nerve endings of my body. Damn, I'm anxious! I'm twice as anxious as when I was in my last semester on my junior year. You get this feeling of not wanting to commit any amount of mistake because you feel like even the tiniest mistake will affect your chance of graduating. Yes. When you're a senior, you develop this sense of being obsessive compulsive because you want everything to fall into their proper places. You want the odds, the Gods, fate, and destiny to be in your favor within every minute of your ten months in senior year. God, I'm so afraid. Not afraid that I can't do it but afraid that something beyond my control will end up wrong and will affect my candidacy for graduation. Let's face it. It's research. 
Last semester, I cried so many times because of my Experimental Research subject. It was traumatic. It was painful. It was hard. It was fucking merciless. And I cannot deny the fact that I am so afraid of my research subject now. I've been praying to God that he'll keep me strong and help me accomplish and pass my research subject. And God, so far, has been with me and has been guiding me throughout whatever senior blues I'm experiencing. Prayer helps, you know. I must admit that the anxiety brought by the senior year has been bothering me and has never left my mind. That's why every night, I talk to God and bare all of my fears and anxieties. In some nights, I cry because I can no longer hold the feeling inside me. People may view it so petty but to me it's a big deal. You know, when you're a graduating student, you will always hold this fear that everything might go out of hand. Every sign of failure will send you crying for your mom. 
Senior year will never be easy, I know. But I also know that God will never abandon me and my family and friends are praying for me. Yes, my fear and anxiety may grow everyday. But so will my faith. 

Reader-Writer

As a reader, I have my own expectations when I read a book. Personally, I prefer romance that tackles new things and introduces a lead character that I never imagined would fit in a context of a hero/heroine. I hate cliched dialogues (i.e. You take my breath away, I can't live without you, You are my life, I would die if you leave me, etc). Just like every reader, I want to cry, laugh, fall in love and learn in the most entertaining way possible. I have read hundreds of novels and I would be a hypocrite if I would say I loved each one. There were novels where I didn't quite like the author's presentation of the characters. There were novels where I thought the dialogues weren't considered romantic anymore and found myself grimacing while reading it. There were books that I never finished because I was too bored to continue. There were books that I finished but I considered a waste of money. Judge me as a reader but I do believe that I have the right to complain where my own money is concerned. Nonetheless, just because I didn't like a book doesn't mean I consider it a complete waste of time. Just because I didn't like it doesn't mean the book is not worth reading. We differ in personal views. Ergo, we differ in how we interpret, understand and feel things. Just like how we pick our book genres. I love romance because I find them entertaining. But another person may find romance utterly disgusting. It's just a matter of point of view. I never went to the extent of personally "terrorizing" the personality of the writer. And I never went to the farthest extent of telling people not to read this particular book. When I don't like the book, I shut up.

As a pilingera...este...freelance writer, I know how stressful creating a book is. I am very much familiar of the feelings of frustration when it took you two years to finish the whole bloody book and it only takes the reader 30 minutes to 1 hour to finish reading it AND some even ended up disliking it. It will be sheer hypocrisy if I would say my initial reaction will be "It's okay. I accept it." Of course not! It hurts when people criticize your books. But allowing your feelings to surpass the level of hurt (like turning the feeling into complete hatred or abhorrence towards the critic) will be a complete different story. Having a published book is not solely about the bragging rights you earn when you see your name (or pen name) in the book cover. It's not just about the pride you feel when you see your books on the shelves. It's also not about the "fans" you get. And it's absolutely not solely about positive feedbacks from readers. There will always be critics. There will be people who think what you wrote was not worth the money. How do you handle that? Would you undergo self-pity? Sure. For an hour or so, that's allowable. But to allow a negative comment to hinder you from writing? Well, I guess that's something you have to work into if you really want to be a writer. Would you also resort to bullying the critic with words just because he/she didn't like what you wrote? Pfft. That's childish. Even the best authors in the world are criticized. Accept your shortcomings. Not just as an author but as an individual. Then utilize those shortcomings into something to make you a better person...or writer, rather.


I do not hold any authority to be considered a "reliable source" but in my opinion, to be considered a good writer, you have to know your own weaknesses and know your stand. And to be a good reader is to be emphatic; putting yourself in the character's shoes. View the situation in the character's eyes, feelings and personality.


Let's minimize being impulsive and try to reflect (but not too much :P) on things. As what William James once said: "Man can alter his life by altering his thinking."

Respect.

"Respect begets respect." "Do unto others what you want others to do unto you."

These principles are two of the many words I live by. Since I was a kid, I was taught by my parents never to judge people and to always highly respect them even if their level of respect towards you is not as high as yours towards them. Of course, as a kid, I did not know what it meant exactly. I went to interpreting it as simply to respect the elders. I am not innocent when the crime of prejudice and stereotyping is discussed. I have judged a lot of people and have stereotyped them according to their status and lifestyle. I have thrown insults that is considered Ad Hominem or direct attack against the opponent. I have said/stated words that offended many. Surely, no one is innocent when it comes to this.


Anyways, to cut it short, what I actually want to say is that there are underlying factors within every undesirable behavior. Be careful on how you judge people and how you interpret their situation. You can't judge a teenage mom "malandi" just because she got pregnant at 14. What if she was raped and is too afraid to admit it? You can't just judge a mistress a "homewrecker". Do you know the reason why she became one? Is it all her fault? You can't degrade a prostitute because of her job. What if she's feeding 10 kids alone and can't afford to find another job? Or what if she's a nymphomaniac and needs help?


Sometimes, we also have to be emphatic. Put ourselves in their shoes. Because sometimes, life pushes us so hard to the point that we think the wrong choices are the only ones we have. 

What's love?

Once, I was asked, "Why don't you have a boyfriend? Is it your choice to be single?"

I don't know how to answer. I don't think I "chose" to be single but I am happy with my relationship status. Nonetheless, I cannot deny the fact that I, too, am not spared from dreaming of "knights in a shining armor" and wondering who will be the first guy who'll attempt to promise me forever. I'm not sad that I'm single because I believe that love is about timing. I know God has someone for me. Maybe He is still training him on how to handle my moods, how to make me smile and how to become more understanding just like how God is allowing me to grow everyday.


Love should not be hurried. It's not about jumping into something with someone just because your friends are all in love. It's not about accepting a guy whom you don't love just to cure your loneliness. It's about the willingness and the patience to wait for the right man, on the right time, and hopefully, with the right and equal feelings. My view about love is ideal even if I have witnessed some of it's shortcomings and imperfections through my observations on other people. I cannot judge people who are too in love for I am not the one who's experiencing the feeling. But one time, I came to a thought that love might be a dangerous virus that slowly kills our capability to think rationally. That no matter how beautiful being in love is, too much of it will make you crazy. That once you've lost yourself to someone, you might not be able to find your way back. Like what I'm feeling. What if the man I've been waiting for for half of my life was meant to be with someone else?

Him.

"In our life, there's this certain guy we can't forget. 
This certain guy who carved his own name in our heads. 
This certain guy whom you wished was yours. 
This certain guy who refused to fall." 


[♥]

"In our life, there's this certain guy we can't forget.&n...

"In our life, there's this certain guy we can't forget. This certain guy who carved his own name in our heads. This certain guy whom you wished was yours. This certain guy who refused to fall." 
[♥]