Kat Zantow's Blog
June 22, 2014
Tips and Tricks for Travel Blogging
What can you do with a summer vacation? Have you ever thought of writing a travel blog? It's a great exercise to keep your writing sharp for the summer and cement your trip in your memory!
But how do you get started? The Tupelo Press Teen Writing Center has asked me to put together a guide to getting your blog on its feet.
Random Writing Tip One: No matter where you're going or what you're doing, keep a personal journal of the things you do, the people you meet, the places you see, and what you think about everything. This is your number one resource for writing material: life. Even if you decide not to share a blog of your trip, you can take experience, aesthetics, and situations and apply them to stories later.
What are you doing this summer? And how do you blog it?
Are you flying this summer? Or taking it slow?
Are you traveling this summer with friends or family? Yes? Amazing! This is a huge opportunity to see a wide variety of places and experience new things.
Traveling is a great excuse to write a Travel Journal blog. These tend to be more diary-like and personal. It's your story. Where did you go? What did you do? What did you see? And what did you learn from it? In this form of travel writing, your personality is front and center. This style will be most appreciated by your friends/parents/followers of your cult of personality.
No chance to travel this summer? Studies show you can still have an amazing eye opening summer without traveling far. Most people make use of less than 20% of their home town on the regular. But you can change that. Take the opportunity to open your eyes to the city you live in, and experience it in a new way. You can make a conscious effort to go to the historical places you've never bothered to visit, try new hiking trails, try new restaurants, or other nearby attractions. Explore your city in depth! This is sometimes called taking a "staycation".
Staying in one place, or staying in different places for several days at a time lends itself to more Guide Book style blogposts, in which you can give fellow travelers advice on Things To Do In ______. This does involve a little more research, but you can share your unique thoughts and analysis of the places once you've been there. This style will be most appreciated by fellow travelers looking to go to the same destinations.
As long as you keep your eyes and ears open, and keep yourself open to new experiences, you'll find material to write about.
A Picture is Worth More Than 1000 Words
Pictures are the number one reason anyone will click on your article. They are an excellent opportunity to work on writing witty photo captions. I have many close personal friends who only skim my blog posts for photo blurbs!
Tip 1 for Photos: Tourist attractions want you to leave with a magical impression, and many are well lit for photo opportunities at night.
Your tourist dollars pay the power bill.Tip 1.5 for Photos: Make sure to always travel safely in packs when taking night photography.
A good photo can bridge cultures.
Tip 2 for photos: Take some pictures of recognizable places so readers can get excited that they recognize places.
Though infuriatingly unavoidable,
Tourists are useful to provide scale.
Tip 3 for Photos: Take pictures of temporary things like street art and other cute things that you appreciate that not everyone will have seen when coming to a city.
Cats in bubble baths won't stay there for long.
Misc. Tips and Tricks for Travel Blogging
Include lots of beautiful pictures. A little humor is a good thing. A lot of humor is a better thing. Be honest about your thoughts on a place, within reason.Pointed pictures juxtaposed with text can do the talking for you.Enthusiasm, or at least keeping an open mind is a good thing.Even if you're upset, don't bash whatever place you're visiting, or the people you meet.Try to keep a regular posting schedule, and plan for delays.Blogger is the easiest blogging platform, but you can also try Tumblr for very short entries. If you are dedicated you can learn how to set up WordPress!
But how do you get started? The Tupelo Press Teen Writing Center has asked me to put together a guide to getting your blog on its feet.
Random Writing Tip One: No matter where you're going or what you're doing, keep a personal journal of the things you do, the people you meet, the places you see, and what you think about everything. This is your number one resource for writing material: life. Even if you decide not to share a blog of your trip, you can take experience, aesthetics, and situations and apply them to stories later.
What are you doing this summer? And how do you blog it?
Are you flying this summer? Or taking it slow?Are you traveling this summer with friends or family? Yes? Amazing! This is a huge opportunity to see a wide variety of places and experience new things.
Traveling is a great excuse to write a Travel Journal blog. These tend to be more diary-like and personal. It's your story. Where did you go? What did you do? What did you see? And what did you learn from it? In this form of travel writing, your personality is front and center. This style will be most appreciated by your friends/parents/followers of your cult of personality.
No chance to travel this summer? Studies show you can still have an amazing eye opening summer without traveling far. Most people make use of less than 20% of their home town on the regular. But you can change that. Take the opportunity to open your eyes to the city you live in, and experience it in a new way. You can make a conscious effort to go to the historical places you've never bothered to visit, try new hiking trails, try new restaurants, or other nearby attractions. Explore your city in depth! This is sometimes called taking a "staycation".
Staying in one place, or staying in different places for several days at a time lends itself to more Guide Book style blogposts, in which you can give fellow travelers advice on Things To Do In ______. This does involve a little more research, but you can share your unique thoughts and analysis of the places once you've been there. This style will be most appreciated by fellow travelers looking to go to the same destinations.
As long as you keep your eyes and ears open, and keep yourself open to new experiences, you'll find material to write about.
A Picture is Worth More Than 1000 Words
Pictures are the number one reason anyone will click on your article. They are an excellent opportunity to work on writing witty photo captions. I have many close personal friends who only skim my blog posts for photo blurbs!
Tip 1 for Photos: Tourist attractions want you to leave with a magical impression, and many are well lit for photo opportunities at night.
Your tourist dollars pay the power bill.Tip 1.5 for Photos: Make sure to always travel safely in packs when taking night photography.
A good photo can bridge cultures.Tip 2 for photos: Take some pictures of recognizable places so readers can get excited that they recognize places.
Though infuriatingly unavoidable,Tourists are useful to provide scale.
Tip 3 for Photos: Take pictures of temporary things like street art and other cute things that you appreciate that not everyone will have seen when coming to a city.
Cats in bubble baths won't stay there for long.Misc. Tips and Tricks for Travel Blogging
Include lots of beautiful pictures. A little humor is a good thing. A lot of humor is a better thing. Be honest about your thoughts on a place, within reason.Pointed pictures juxtaposed with text can do the talking for you.Enthusiasm, or at least keeping an open mind is a good thing.Even if you're upset, don't bash whatever place you're visiting, or the people you meet.Try to keep a regular posting schedule, and plan for delays.Blogger is the easiest blogging platform, but you can also try Tumblr for very short entries. If you are dedicated you can learn how to set up WordPress!
June 19, 2014
Madrid, Madly, Deeply
You'd be mad to miss Madrid. It's not just a Spanish city. It's the Spanish city. It's also the city I was most terrified to enter. The city from which I had to fly home. I still loved the city. The art galleries were great. The wine was great. People were great. Trying to talk Spanish was great. Flying home was probably the worst mistake of my life. But back to Madrid.
Madrid is a city of things, and here are six random things I loved about Madrid:
1. Sunsets!
(Sunsets are a little known phenomenon in which the sky changes color when the sun goes down. If you look at the right time of day, you might see one too!)
There is something majestic sunsets, and a Spanish sunset is quite a thing. Colors burn across the sky like beams of light scattered by molecules and particles. It's scientifically miraculous.
Crane your neck for a better view.In Madrid, the weather already feels like the air is on fire, and when the sun sets, the sky shows its true colors.
Hot times, summer in the city,
people everywhere getting down and gritty
2. Palace!
Like many places, Madrid once upon a time decided it needed a ruler, a poor scapegoat to burden with the task of heating a really large building. This is the building they chose to heat:
The palace, too, likes sunsets.It's important that the building has a space for reflection.
The building has a space for quiet reflection, so it can think about politics.
3. Elephants
If you're like me, your trip to Madrid will be unforgettable. But what if Madrid forgets you? Don't take the chance! Find this random building, and look an elephant dead in the eye. That elephant will never forget.
With his stony stare.
4. Wild Statues
Is a foreigner, I don't know much about Spain. I can only reconstruct what seems to be going on. There are machines, kicking around. I can only assume that that the baskets are statue-catchers, designed to take care of the problem of wild statues roaming the streets. I can only assume there is a bounty on their heads and hooves.
Wild wild horses couldn't drag me away!
5. Smurfs
There is an even greater problem on the streets of Madrid than statues. And that problem is photobombing Smurfs.
Photobombing leaves you feeling blue.
6. Turtles
There is something magical and strange and unexpected about the city. It contains things you never expected to find, like a dedicated Vegetarian restaurant in Spain (no ham at all!). But one of my top unexpected pleasures of Madrid, was definitely the miniature rain-forest habitat in the train station. (What, a train station has a greenhouse?) Yep. And it gets better. There is a pond, and it's got turtles all the way down.
Turtles
all
the
way
down.
Madrid is a city of things, and here are six random things I loved about Madrid:
1. Sunsets!
(Sunsets are a little known phenomenon in which the sky changes color when the sun goes down. If you look at the right time of day, you might see one too!)
There is something majestic sunsets, and a Spanish sunset is quite a thing. Colors burn across the sky like beams of light scattered by molecules and particles. It's scientifically miraculous.
Crane your neck for a better view.In Madrid, the weather already feels like the air is on fire, and when the sun sets, the sky shows its true colors. 
Hot times, summer in the city,people everywhere getting down and gritty
2. Palace!
Like many places, Madrid once upon a time decided it needed a ruler, a poor scapegoat to burden with the task of heating a really large building. This is the building they chose to heat:
The palace, too, likes sunsets.It's important that the building has a space for reflection. 
The building has a space for quiet reflection, so it can think about politics.3. Elephants
If you're like me, your trip to Madrid will be unforgettable. But what if Madrid forgets you? Don't take the chance! Find this random building, and look an elephant dead in the eye. That elephant will never forget.
With his stony stare.4. Wild Statues
Is a foreigner, I don't know much about Spain. I can only reconstruct what seems to be going on. There are machines, kicking around. I can only assume that that the baskets are statue-catchers, designed to take care of the problem of wild statues roaming the streets. I can only assume there is a bounty on their heads and hooves.
Wild wild horses couldn't drag me away!5. Smurfs
There is an even greater problem on the streets of Madrid than statues. And that problem is photobombing Smurfs.
Photobombing leaves you feeling blue.6. Turtles
There is something magical and strange and unexpected about the city. It contains things you never expected to find, like a dedicated Vegetarian restaurant in Spain (no ham at all!). But one of my top unexpected pleasures of Madrid, was definitely the miniature rain-forest habitat in the train station. (What, a train station has a greenhouse?) Yep. And it gets better. There is a pond, and it's got turtles all the way down.
Turtles
all
the
way
down.
June 15, 2014
Córdoba, mi Corazon
Candyland Concept-artLooking for a romantic getaway from the hustle and bustle of Madrid? Take a day to walk around this tiny, idyllic city with Roman and Iberian remnants!
Mini MinaretEver find yourself in the middle of Spain just wishing you could see something different, like Roman ruins? You're in luck! There is a Roman Bridge which dates back to the first century BC. Two of the arches are original. But we'll never known which. There's also a temple kicking around somewhere.
Roman and Iberian rule are water under the bridge.From the bridge, you can see the Albolafia mill, which helps give the river area a postapocalyptic wasteland aesthetic.
General MillsIf you are still itching for Moorish architecture, check out Medina Azahara. Formerly a royal property, later a place for the Inquisition to hang out, it's altogether a pretty massive structure. The candycane arches on the inside match the door arches outside.
Arches show their stripesWhen you walk around the old town, you can find a huge variety of angel statuary. Of interest is this really bewildering statue of Archangel Raphael. It is a fenced-off stone structure, with a mix of many clashing art styles and themes. The thing is made of stone, and surrounded by a wrought iron gate. The net effect looks like someone serial-murdered other statues then tried to glue them back together but only managed to stick their limbs onto a very blocky attempt at a grotto, topped with a castle tower, topped with a roman column, topped with an miniature angel. All of which is growing some plants.
Grotesque is an art style.And what sits beside the base? As mysterious as the rest of the assemblage, you find a Sphinx.
A grumpy cat before it was coolGrumpyKat approves.
June 13, 2014
Behind the Vale of Valencia
No trip to Spain is complete without a trip to Valencia. It's got everything! Gothic quarters, skinny buildings, fountains, a river that is now a series of soccer futbol fields, and what I'm pretty sure is lifesize concept-art for a space station.
It's a beautiful city so small you're bound to run into someone you know before you even get to your hostel.
Or possibly a dead cybernetic whale.
But we'll get to the future amazing architecture in a moment.
The Gothic section of Valencia is plenty great, in the way that all Gothic quarters are pretty great. Go on a free walking tour, and they will point out all the excellent buildings, as well as the dirty gargoyle (not pictured).
Speak with a cathedraawl
And it's nice and pleasant to walk around and see the very European stylings.
pretty random building/random pretty building
But some buildings really have a size problem.
Another senselessly skinny building.
Like Amsterdam, but in Valencia!
And there was a very rich family who had this overly fancy building called the Palacio del Marqués de Dos Aguas. You would be shocked to learn that the guy who owned the building held the (influential) title of Marqués de Dos Aguas. The family later moved to Italy and founded a mob or something.
They might've been rich once, but they're baroque now.
By the cathedral, there is also a fine Plaza de la Virgen.
Turia Fountain has not yet passed the Turing Test.
And all of that stuff is great. Really, it is. If you find yourself in need of some European gothic stuff, skinny buildings, fountains, &c. &c. Go for it.
But when you're done, take an evening walk around the space station City of Arts and Sciences. It's literally impossible to walk through the complex without spouting ideas for ten new science fiction stories.
There is the giant eye, or "L'Hemesferic" aka gigantic electrical eyeball.
Sauron's got nothing on this.
It is something like an IMAX theatre, or a planetarium, laserium, or all of the above.
Eye-max theatre.
There is also an opera house, El Palau de les Arts Reina Sofia (the white part in the distance).
The Reflect Effect is pretty cool
Did I mention that there is a massive reflecting pool?
Mandatory JJ Abrams lens flares included.
There is a museum (El Museu de les Ciencies Principe Felipe) designed to look like a whale skeleton. The exterior is visually stunning. The interior, Wikipedia raves, "shows how little thought was put into the whole project."
Do you get vertigo looking at vertebra?
You're welcome for finding you a shooting location for the next big sci fi movie of the year.
It's a beautiful city so small you're bound to run into someone you know before you even get to your hostel.
Or possibly a dead cybernetic whale.But we'll get to the future amazing architecture in a moment.
The Gothic section of Valencia is plenty great, in the way that all Gothic quarters are pretty great. Go on a free walking tour, and they will point out all the excellent buildings, as well as the dirty gargoyle (not pictured).
Speak with a cathedraawlAnd it's nice and pleasant to walk around and see the very European stylings.
pretty random building/random pretty buildingBut some buildings really have a size problem.
Another senselessly skinny building.Like Amsterdam, but in Valencia!
And there was a very rich family who had this overly fancy building called the Palacio del Marqués de Dos Aguas. You would be shocked to learn that the guy who owned the building held the (influential) title of Marqués de Dos Aguas. The family later moved to Italy and founded a mob or something.
They might've been rich once, but they're baroque now.By the cathedral, there is also a fine Plaza de la Virgen.
Turia Fountain has not yet passed the Turing Test. And all of that stuff is great. Really, it is. If you find yourself in need of some European gothic stuff, skinny buildings, fountains, &c. &c. Go for it.
But when you're done, take an evening walk around the space station City of Arts and Sciences. It's literally impossible to walk through the complex without spouting ideas for ten new science fiction stories.
There is the giant eye, or "L'Hemesferic" aka gigantic electrical eyeball.
Sauron's got nothing on this.It is something like an IMAX theatre, or a planetarium, laserium, or all of the above.
Eye-max theatre.There is also an opera house, El Palau de les Arts Reina Sofia (the white part in the distance).
The Reflect Effect is pretty coolDid I mention that there is a massive reflecting pool?
Mandatory JJ Abrams lens flares included.There is a museum (El Museu de les Ciencies Principe Felipe) designed to look like a whale skeleton. The exterior is visually stunning. The interior, Wikipedia raves, "shows how little thought was put into the whole project."
Do you get vertigo looking at vertebra?You're welcome for finding you a shooting location for the next big sci fi movie of the year.
June 11, 2014
See no Evil in Sevilla
Sevilla (English translation: Seville) is the capital of the Andalusian region of Spain. For perfect weather, try October!
Giralda: mostly minaret, barely belltower.
Like Granada, Sevilla has strong Moorish influences, but it is balanced by more obvious Christian influences as well.
It's not news that the Reconquista happened. I knew about it. I was prepared for the churches. Sevilla happens to have churches.
A cathedral, actually.
It has a cathedral. A big one. The Catedral de Santa Maria de la Sede is literally the largest cathedral in the world. In the world! This is known.
Big Catholic Influence.But little did I know, before I even reached the hostel, that the Virgin Mary herself would appear before me.
I would guess the crowd knew she was coming.
It was an overwhelming moment: bells clanging, cell phones raised in a traditional gesture of piety, a march of very slow flag-bearers. And then the Virgin Mary herself came out of the church on a dais of candles. (Unfortunate side-effect of that canopy: the poles holding it up look vaguely like really fancy prison bars.) I admired the crowd and unexpected spectacle as statue-Maria demonstrated her ability to build mystery and anticipation, and make a grand entrance.
Church pomp: waxing elegant
Fortunately, there's more to Sevilla than strong Catholic tradition. Not fifty feet away from the Sevilla Cathedral is the Alcázar, a complex of Moorish and Spanish heritage. The Moors ruled for five centuries, and that leaves an impression on a city. The Alcázar was originally a fort, but transitioned into a palace through significant remodeling over the last five hundred years. It is the oldest royal palace in Europe still in use today, according to respectable sources like Wikipedia.
And it's a magical to spend an afternoon wandering with pleasant company. It's got everything:
Arches with colorful Islamic designs!
Even the arches have arches!
Arches with scallops!
The Courtyard of the Maidens, named after a legend of the Moorish king's
demand of 100 virgins yearly from Christian kingdoms in Iberia.
Not entirely sure that legend is accurate...
Arches that look a face wearing helmets!
Dot the eyes?
Gardens with tropical trees!
And walls. Gotta keep the poor out somehow.
Rainwater tanks named after some king's mistress!
A place for quiet reflection.
And an absurdly tiny statue of Mercury!
Small cast system.
The Mercury rises on hot Spanish days.
But if you don't want any ancient history, there are also some more recent additions to Sevilla (like, within the last hundred years) such as the Plaza de España.
There is something alien and beautiful about the place.
The whole area is a Moorish inspired blend of architectural styles from 1929 when it was built for a world's fair.
Bridging the gaps between cultures.
All of which you may have seen before in those Star Wars prequel movies we all like to pretend don't exist.
Just picture Natalie Portman
and some guy whining about being evil.
Spain. *sigh* It's the kind of paradise where you stop believing there are emotional states other than happy. Go to there! Feed your eyes with art and architecture. Bask in the perfect weather. And don't get trampled by the Virgin Mary.
Giralda: mostly minaret, barely belltower.Like Granada, Sevilla has strong Moorish influences, but it is balanced by more obvious Christian influences as well.
It's not news that the Reconquista happened. I knew about it. I was prepared for the churches. Sevilla happens to have churches.
A cathedral, actually. It has a cathedral. A big one. The Catedral de Santa Maria de la Sede is literally the largest cathedral in the world. In the world! This is known.
Big Catholic Influence.But little did I know, before I even reached the hostel, that the Virgin Mary herself would appear before me.
I would guess the crowd knew she was coming.It was an overwhelming moment: bells clanging, cell phones raised in a traditional gesture of piety, a march of very slow flag-bearers. And then the Virgin Mary herself came out of the church on a dais of candles. (Unfortunate side-effect of that canopy: the poles holding it up look vaguely like really fancy prison bars.) I admired the crowd and unexpected spectacle as statue-Maria demonstrated her ability to build mystery and anticipation, and make a grand entrance.
Church pomp: waxing elegantFortunately, there's more to Sevilla than strong Catholic tradition. Not fifty feet away from the Sevilla Cathedral is the Alcázar, a complex of Moorish and Spanish heritage. The Moors ruled for five centuries, and that leaves an impression on a city. The Alcázar was originally a fort, but transitioned into a palace through significant remodeling over the last five hundred years. It is the oldest royal palace in Europe still in use today, according to respectable sources like Wikipedia.
And it's a magical to spend an afternoon wandering with pleasant company. It's got everything:
Arches with colorful Islamic designs!
Even the arches have arches!Arches with scallops!
The Courtyard of the Maidens, named after a legend of the Moorish king'sdemand of 100 virgins yearly from Christian kingdoms in Iberia.
Not entirely sure that legend is accurate...
Arches that look a face wearing helmets!
Dot the eyes?Gardens with tropical trees!
And walls. Gotta keep the poor out somehow.Rainwater tanks named after some king's mistress!
A place for quiet reflection.And an absurdly tiny statue of Mercury!
Small cast system.The Mercury rises on hot Spanish days.
But if you don't want any ancient history, there are also some more recent additions to Sevilla (like, within the last hundred years) such as the Plaza de España.
There is something alien and beautiful about the place.The whole area is a Moorish inspired blend of architectural styles from 1929 when it was built for a world's fair.
Bridging the gaps between cultures.All of which you may have seen before in those Star Wars prequel movies we all like to pretend don't exist.
Just picture Natalie Portmanand some guy whining about being evil.
Spain. *sigh* It's the kind of paradise where you stop believing there are emotional states other than happy. Go to there! Feed your eyes with art and architecture. Bask in the perfect weather. And don't get trampled by the Virgin Mary.
June 6, 2014
Do Nada in Granada
Weather: hotter than Eastern Europe.Granada is one of my favorite cities in Europe. It's located in the south of Spain, in the region called Andalusia. In its past life, the region was an Islamic state. Today it is firmly a part of Spain, but there is a huge amount of Moorish architecture and influences. As a place visit, it feels different from the rest of Europe. In a good way.
Lamps, no genies.After the Reconquista, the Christian-Spanish peeps put down roots into the city also. There's a big stone church with an intriguing gothic style:
Suspiciously Assassin's CreedAfter being a religious battleground for so long, Granada has gained a relatively large hippie culture. It's relaxing and warm and wonderful, and pretty cheap.
Street. And don't let me forget the tapas! Oh the tapas! Unlike the extremely overpriced tapas bars we all know and love, the bars in Granada follow the traditional tapas practice. You buy a drink and it comes with food. And it's cheap. It's kind of amazing. Sangria, tinto de verano, beer, whatever you want! Plus food! Two euros or less! Establishments vary: sometimes you get to pick the food, sometimes not. And a lot of it is significantly tasty.
Pro tip: tapas are great, but they are not for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Your liver will not thank you.
Land of the tapas eaters.And the core of the backpacking culture is Oasis Hostel, which had a remarkably high number of people staying there for months and months. Very land of the lotus eaters. Very pleasant.
Oasis rooftop view.But the reason most people swing by Granada is not to wallow in tapas and sangria, but to see the Alhambra. It was a small fortress in 889. But in 1333, it became a palace for the Sultan of Granada, during the Nasrid Dynasty.
Palatial palace. It's got everything! Arabesques, honeycomb ceilings, fountains, arches, gardens, etc. etc.
Pooled resourcesIn the past everything was whitewashed, but the name Alhambra, which means "the red" in honor of the surrounding dirt, is more fitting with the currently vaguely orange color.
Alhambra not named after ham.Repeating patterns and making art out of writing are the primary forms of decoration. The details are pretty darn intricate.
Bonus cool: The doors/windows almost make a Vader-face.Plus there is a beautiful lush garden area that served as a retreat for somebody's wife.
Fountains of WinAND there's the Court of the Lions, featuring a fountain on the backs of lions. They are especially interesting due to the general proscription against human/animal representations in Islamic art.
Sultans of Leon.Destination: highly recommended.
June 3, 2014
Barcelona: Gaudi Trees and Artchitecture
Sagrada Familia: The biggest sandcastle of our time.Barcelona is all about the art. And trees. I like that that in a city. Because art is pretty cool, except when it isn't. And trees are pretty nice too.
What kind of art will you find in Barcelona? Modernisme: Catalan modernism, which was mostly an architectural expression. This was an anti-bourgeois movement that pushed towards bohemianism, or attempted to use art to change society at large. (Thanks Wikipedia!)
But what does this really mean for the artscape of Barcelona today? Here are seven kinds of art you'll encounter when you wander the city!
1. Gaudi Modernisme
If there's one person that transcended Modernisme and dominated with his personal style, it's Gaudi. His architecture pushes the line between art and building, and rises into the realm of artchitecture.
His works are informed by natural objects yet remain utterly nonrepresentational. (I took a 3D art class once and that was pretty much the assignment. I never knew what the art teacher was on about until I saw the art-process exhibit at Sagrada Familia.)
Gaudi's most famous and most unfinished work is Sagrada Familia, which is elaborate inside (below) and out (top of page).
Trees or an inverted vertibrae?Want something more sprawling than a Cathedral? Visit Park Güell. If you like mosaics, this is a must-see.
A million little pieces.Up close with a mosaic vignette:
Piece.And what would a park be without picturesque gingerbread/candy/delicious looking houses?
Watch out for ovens and vengeful children.To continue the fairytale, the park is guarded by a very nonthreatening lizard/dragon.
Doesn't even breathe fire.Gaudi is also known for other random houses that look like organic alien strongholds plunked down in the middle of the city. To continue the lizard theme, this one is all about lizard skull balconies.
If their heads are sticking out,just imagine how many lizard bodies are in the building!
Creepy. Love it.And at Sagrada, his religious iconography features some pretty militant facewear.
Not quite his stormtroopers, but close. 2. Art Nouveau Influences
Modernisme was a style around the time of Art Nouveau, which has a much more bourgeois look. But despite the look, this is a very proletarian foodmarket.
Or it would be if it were open.Unfortunately, the market is closed for renovation (reopens 2016). Frame dates from 1882.But there are other elements around the city that jive with Art Nouveau. Fountains are covered with organic flower designs, and the trees everywhere underscore the beauty of nature.
More Oldveau than Nouveau.3. Picasso Modernism
Picasso was exiled from Spain under Franco (Francisco, not James), but he made up for it by gifting Barcelona with almost a thousand of his early works. And his designs were smuggled into Barcelona so that one of his agents could build a museum for them:
Not quite Artchitecture.4. Street Art
Even more modern than Modernisme, there are places around the city you can see street art. Which occupies a special place in the art sphere of subverting authority while maintaining popular appeal.
Notice the "Tourism Terrorism" sign on this building. I saw this message several times in graffiti while walking around the city.
Totally subverts my tourist experience.5. Surreal Storefronts!
In what I can only imagine is a subversion of the anti-bourgeois attitudes of Modernisme, some store fronts in the city are taking surrealism to new levels in advertising themselves, and deconstructing consumerism with refrigerators reflected and floating.
It's Spain. Of course Ham is the only food in the fridge.And even further deconstructing consumerism, and the mechanisms of the consumer society and the production of ham, we have the forgotten raw ingredients of a farm.
Prepostmodern Farm chic.6. The Truly Garish!
And if store fronts begins the subversion and re-purposing of Modernisme goals, the postmodern sculptural protrusions completes it. Establishments use sculptural elements that could be confused as art, and use them as a signpost for cultural decay. This place is called "The Hole."
Class reshaping? Nope. Just utterly unclassy.Fortunately, some of the more loud and in-your-face modern sculptures are harder to unpack and more ambiguous:
Put your claws up if you feel that happiness is the truth!7. And Trees!
In Barcelona, trees have a complex relationship with art.
At times they seem quite unnecessarily obscuring what look to be beautiful architectural elements.
Clearly sends the sign to tourists: Please Leaf.The presence of the trees, while at first they seem to be obscuring a work of art, in fact enhances the mystery of the work, which clearly, if viewed without the veil of foliage, would have lost all sense of mystery and turned into just another ordinary building.
Nothing to see here anyway.Trees do not just serve the role of obscuring design. At other times, design elements are placed specifically to interact with the trees. Here: the tree-like shape of these snowflake/skeleton/lights echoes the natural upward lift of the trees.
Oh look, more arches. What a triumph.But my favorite trees in Barcelona are when the trees themselves are art. There is a coffeeshop/bar next to a wax museum. The decor is a gorgeous indoor bosque with trees with faces. There is very nice tranquil music playing all day, though it is interrupted every half hour or so by lightening and thunder storms in the bar.
Did I mention there are lightningstorms!?Other cities could stand to take a tip or two from Barca and add more art to everywhere.
May 29, 2014
Montpellier: Unicorns, spiderweb church, and floating dresses
Montpellier is the third largest city on the Mediterranean coast, which is to say, smaller than Nice (just as nice, though), and certainly smaller than Marsailles (which everyone in Paris will warn you is the crime capital of France). But what does size matter? It's charming.
Oh, you see balconies? In Montpellier, balconies see you.
I spent an day exploring Montpellier, after my host friend had given me a map with her favorite parts circled. The city has enough going on, yet the center is navigable enough, that it is well suited to a scavenger hunt. I highly recommend it.
Here's the best parts of my scavenger hunt:
1. A Church Converted to Modern Art!
I like churches as well as the next agnostic traveler with a love of architecture and shiny things. But sometimes I wish there were secular spaces with sweeping vaulted ceilings and an air of transcendence without the baggage of organized religion.
And lo! There are churches that convert. In Britain, some have been turned into bars. In Montpellier, Eglise Sainte Anne has been turned into a modern art gallery, Carré Sainte Anne. When I was there it was an installation called "After the Dream" by Chiharu Shiota.
postmodern ghosts and constructed spiderweb.
It was pretty surreal exhibit to walk through a space so occupied to webs of thin black threads that it was like a fog and eclipsed the stained glass and columns in favor white dresses flooded with light.
A postmodern commentary on the archaic nature of marriage and tradition
expressed as a dream of humanity, with the the supercutaneous flesh that is the air,
filled with fibres and the membranes of dreams.
2. Creepy Child Riding an Unhappy Lion!
The Promenade du Peyrou is a lovely area where you can look at a guy on a horse and an octagonal building called Chateau d'Eau (eww). There is a nice overlook of the acqueducts. But more importantly, there is a creepy childmonster riding a lion that is not digging it.
Raw feeling in those lion eyes.And fortunately, all that is right by the:
3. Arch of Miniature Triumphs!
Don't have time to drive around L'Arc de Triomphe in Paris? Save time and visit the miniature one in Montpellier! Note the scale against those shadowy people. It's the cute tiny version. Except this one is called Porte du Peyrou which was completed in 1693, so it's not actually ripping off Paris. Just the Romans.
Not to be arch, but I don't see the point of these structures.
4. Thing that I think is the back of a cathedral!
Wander around the old medieval looking part of the town and everything is completely different and old and medieval looking. This is a thing that looks old and medieval looking.
Monastery? Cathedral? Thing?
5. A Comedie of Errors!
A big focal point of the city is the Place de la Comédie, which is a big square with two things in it:
The Opéra Comédie
Comedically lit up at night.
And the Three Graces.
#nofilter #nomakeup #noshirt
6. Creepy Child Riding Unicorns
Let's be real, here. I saw a lot of Europe. But I didn't see enough unicorns. Unicorns are awesome. So Montpellier gets some major props for Fontaine aux licornes.
but it looks like they're doing it wrong.
Oh, you see balconies? In Montpellier, balconies see you.I spent an day exploring Montpellier, after my host friend had given me a map with her favorite parts circled. The city has enough going on, yet the center is navigable enough, that it is well suited to a scavenger hunt. I highly recommend it.
Here's the best parts of my scavenger hunt:
1. A Church Converted to Modern Art!
I like churches as well as the next agnostic traveler with a love of architecture and shiny things. But sometimes I wish there were secular spaces with sweeping vaulted ceilings and an air of transcendence without the baggage of organized religion.
And lo! There are churches that convert. In Britain, some have been turned into bars. In Montpellier, Eglise Sainte Anne has been turned into a modern art gallery, Carré Sainte Anne. When I was there it was an installation called "After the Dream" by Chiharu Shiota.
postmodern ghosts and constructed spiderweb.It was pretty surreal exhibit to walk through a space so occupied to webs of thin black threads that it was like a fog and eclipsed the stained glass and columns in favor white dresses flooded with light.
A postmodern commentary on the archaic nature of marriage and traditionexpressed as a dream of humanity, with the the supercutaneous flesh that is the air,
filled with fibres and the membranes of dreams.
2. Creepy Child Riding an Unhappy Lion!
The Promenade du Peyrou is a lovely area where you can look at a guy on a horse and an octagonal building called Chateau d'Eau (eww). There is a nice overlook of the acqueducts. But more importantly, there is a creepy childmonster riding a lion that is not digging it.
Raw feeling in those lion eyes.And fortunately, all that is right by the:3. Arch of Miniature Triumphs!
Don't have time to drive around L'Arc de Triomphe in Paris? Save time and visit the miniature one in Montpellier! Note the scale against those shadowy people. It's the cute tiny version. Except this one is called Porte du Peyrou which was completed in 1693, so it's not actually ripping off Paris. Just the Romans.
Not to be arch, but I don't see the point of these structures.4. Thing that I think is the back of a cathedral!
Wander around the old medieval looking part of the town and everything is completely different and old and medieval looking. This is a thing that looks old and medieval looking.
Monastery? Cathedral? Thing?5. A Comedie of Errors!
A big focal point of the city is the Place de la Comédie, which is a big square with two things in it:
The Opéra Comédie
Comedically lit up at night.And the Three Graces.
#nofilter #nomakeup #noshirt6. Creepy Child Riding Unicorns
Let's be real, here. I saw a lot of Europe. But I didn't see enough unicorns. Unicorns are awesome. So Montpellier gets some major props for Fontaine aux licornes.
but it looks like they're doing it wrong.
May 24, 2014
Nice is nice
Nice boats.Let's take a quiz: Why do you want to go to France?Drink all the wine? Take in some culture?Go swimming in the Mediterranean? In Nice, you can do all of those things. Well, not so much the culture part. But you go there anyway! Since 4 million tourists visit each year, statistics indicate that you probably already have.
Azure Coast? More like the Gris Coast.On the Auzure Coast, Nice is Cannes' and Monaco's less glamorous neighbor. If you are looking for gorgeous old buildings and quintessential French feel, there are a few things to see in the old town. (It is a very old town--people have been living in Nice since the Lower Palaeolithic age!) But most of your wandering is going to be looking at the ocean of hotels and what appears to be a less than fully vibrant economy off tourist season.
But let's face it. You're not here for the buildings. You're here to drink wine and go swimming.
Or, in the shoulder season, stick to reading on the beach.In Nice, you'll find a large expanse of beach with many many pebbles. Fortunately for your feet, the sea smooths all stones.
They put Brighton's Fruity Pebbles to shame!The Mediterranean is warm late into the season when eastern Europe is frigid. I did successfully manage to go swimming in the middle of October, and I do not tolerate cold. But stand warned: the Mediterranean is very, very salty.
If you look back you will turn into a pillar of salt.I feel sure it would look vibrant on a sunny day. You could admire the boats!
Boats! Located, predicatably, in water.And you can climb Castle Hill to see some archaeological nonsense, and see some fine views of the port and city.
Admire the complete homogeneity of the government mandated color of rooftops in the city:
Except for that one rebel yellow.So drop by Nice, it's a fine place to spend a beach day if you are heading east or west. Because pro-tip: it takes a lot longer to get from Florence to Barcelona than you plan for.
May 14, 2014
Florence & the Non-Machined Statues of Death & Stuff.
In Florence, there is a dome.
Size matters.
So do art skillz.Florence values art. Some people visit and wax poetic about the ambiance for years to come. And they build it up. A lot. They'll tell you over and over just how much you'll love it.
And you will! Just as soon as you can get people to shut up about how great the city is.
but we'll burn that bridge when we come to it
If you happen to go to Florence, sooner or later you're going to see Michelangelo's David. But if you don't want to pony up some cash to see the original, there are two fine copies around the city. One of the copies overlooks the city.
And he has a pretty good view.
The other copy lives in the Piazza della Signoria. The Piazza is so full of statues you'll wonder if Medusa walked around checking out very active guys with sixpack abs.
But then you'll see her severed head is looking at tourists instead.
Consequently, they stand frozen, taking pictures of statues. Especially the David.
No matter how you feel about David's weak crumbling ankles and souvenir sales of his anatomically correct boxer shorts, the statue says something. And that something is: hey Goliath, who's got five stones and is about to cut off your head? This guy.
But that's just one statue. Every statue in the Piazza tells a story. And pretty much all the stories are about brutal murder or rape.
And thus is the true joy of Florence revealed: stone statues tell you stories instead of stoned tour guides!
And now we turn to...
The Top Five Violent Stone Statue Stories of Florence as Told by a Drunk Tour Guide!
1. The Rape of Polyxena!
Because one Xena isn't enough...
Pio Fedi, (1865) Rape of Polyxena, or, PG version, Phyrrus(Neoptolemus) and PolyxenaSo there's this chick named Princess Polyxena, daughter of King Priam of Troy. (That Troy? Yeah, Italics, that Troy.) So one day, during this foreverlongwar, she's fetching water with her brother Troilus, when they run into this hot goldenboy Achilles, who is busy being the Great Hero of the army besieging Troy. Whoops. So Achilles promptly KILLS her brother and then starts moping around about the death of his bunk buddy/very close male friend Patroclus, who was also recently killed in battle. Polyxena pats him on the back and says, Oh Achilles, I, too, know what it is to lose people you care about, like, I dunno, maybe five minutes ago when you killed my brother? I get it, it sucks. Admiring her wisdom, and realizing he is down a lover, Achilles decides his best move is to convince Polyxena that he is a sensitive dude, so he tells her the sob story of his one true weakness. So she says oh, you're so deep and sensitive! Let's do next Tuesday. So then she goes home and has a chat with some of her other brothers:
Polyxena: You'll never believe it! A flaw! Achilles' heel--!
Paris & Deiphobus: Duh. He killed our brother and is besieging our city. We know Achilles is a heel.
Polyxena: He's not a--shut up. Achilles' heel is his Achilles' heel! You can KILL him with a poisoned arrow in his heel!
So they do that.
Needless to say, ghost-Achilles is pissed, so he tells his son Neoptolemus that he is a failure of a son if he doesn't make the funeral a party. And to make it a party, all he has to do is sacrifice Polyxena on top of corpse-Achilles' grave. Neo says 'k, and he steals her away, because the Trojans are too accepting of horses. Since most of Polyxena's family is dead by this point anyway, she's all, fine, if you must. And her chastity is SAVED because, sitting on top of Achilles' tomb, she strategically rearranged her dress to make sure she won't flash the audience when they slit her throat and her corpse falls over.
The moral of this story is: you can bring a horse to water, but you can't prevent a bunch of Greeks from climbing out in the middle of the night and killing everyone.
2. Judith Beheading Holofernes!
Don't worry, Holo-man, you won't feel a thing, you drunk!
Donatello (Ninja Turtle) (1988 copy of 1460 work)
So this Assyrian General, Holofernes, is roving about the countryside occupying the sea coast and destroying local gods on behalf of Nebuchadnezzar. Now, Holofernes has been warned against attacking the Chosen people that live in a city called Bethulia, so he immediately decides to attack the Chosen people in Bethulia. Holofernes rolls up to the town and says: If you're so chosen, how did I just cut off your water supply? Mwa-ha-ha-ha, motherfuckers! Consequently, the leadership of poor Bethulia gets together and has a council meeting along the lines of oh shit, we're going to run out of water in five days. Friends and neighbors, sorry, we're probably going to have to surrender. Unless we have a hero. The townspeople look awkwardly around for a hero. Judith, a beautiful widow of the city, stands up and clears her throat. The men roll their eyes and keep talking: And that will suck, because we'll have to bow to Nebuchadnezzer, who thinks he's a god. Judith rolls her eyes, and interrupts: come on guys, think outside the box. Or think inside the box. Or just about boxes, if you know what I mean. And we can put this General in a box. Council: What? Judith: Nevermind. Just calm down. I got this.
So Holofernes spends a day checking out the city to decide if it is worth capturing, crushing, or grinding into flour to make bread. But, being a well-rounded individual, the general is not too distracted by crushing to notice this hot chick making eyes at him. So Holofernes looks at Judith and he says hey lady, you should come by the camp later. I can pitch a tent if you know what I mean wink wink. And Judith is like, Oh, yes, Holofernes! But I hope you plan to pregame this thing. I know I will! So she spends a good half an evening putting on makeup and checking her watch to make sure she's arriving good and fashionably late, leaving poor Holofernes pregaming sad and alone in his tent until the moment she walks in, sex appeal up to her eyeballs. She instantly challenges Holofernes into a drinking contest with himself, and he readily agrees. Hours later, Holofernes is wobbling on his feet, and he turns to her and says Hey hottie, is that a sword in your skirt or are you just happy to see me? Then he promptly faceplants onto the bed/floor. So Judith heaves a huge sigh of relief that he was too drunk to get all handsy and compromise her honor. What a gentleman/drunk, she murmurs. Then she takes her sword out of her dress and cuts off his head. She gives it to an old woman servant to carry it to city council in a handbasket. And the city is saved!
The moral of this story is: there's more than one way to get a head in life.
3. Perseus Beheading Medusa!
Bad-idea soccer ball.
Benvenuto Cellini, Perseus with the Head of Medusa (1545)So there's this woman, Danae, who's cast into the sea with her Zeus-spawn son, Perseus, and they wash up on some island. Fast forward to Perseus being big and strong, and Polydectes, King of the island, demanding Danae to be his wife. Danae is all no, you're ugly and you smell. So Polydectes tricks Perseus into promising him the head of the Gorgon Medusa. And Perseus is like fine, whatever, I know you're just trying to get me out of the way, but my pride is too big to do anything about it. Now what is a medusa?
(Good question, Perseus. Basically an ugly chick with hair made of snakes and eyes that turn you to stone. There are some stories that Medusa and the gorgons sprang into being out of hate. Ovid prefers the more problematic version, in which Poseidon rapes the gorgeous Medusa in Athena's temple, which enrages Athena, so she turns Medusa's face stone-ugly and her hair to snakes. One might consider this victim-blaming and a misplaced punishment. However, this negative interpretation disregards how cool it would be to have hairsnakes.)
So Perseus goes out and quests and finds three old women with only one eye between them, and steals it when one is handing it to another. And he's like Listen up witches! Lead me to some nymphs that will give me stuff to defeat Medusa, or it's Ping-Pong. And they're like fine, we'll take you there, but seriously how can we see to walk? Somehow they all manage to get to the nymphs. He lets the old ladies go, and it's Christmas for Perseus. The gods got his memo, and he has to sit around for hours, unwrapping gifts from the gods. From Athena, a mirror-polished shield, Hermes, some cool shoes that fly, Zeus an adamantine sword and Hade's helmet of invisibility. Oh, and a bag to store the gorgon's head.
So Perseus walks through a field of stone statues of men until he gets to the gorgon lair. He thinks a lot about what pose he would like to be as a statue, then wises up and starts walking backwards, using Athena's mirror. Perseus follows the sounds of snakes snoring to find Medusa sleeping, and decapitates her. Success! Win! And after this great act of heroism,everything continues to work out for male privilege Perseus.
The moral of the story is: there's more than one way to get a head of snakes.
4. The Rape of the Sabine Women!
This was one block of marble.
Giambologna, The Rape of the Sabine Women (1574-82)
So there's this king, Numitor, who has a daughter named Rhea Silvia. Unfortunately for Rhea, her brother, Amulius, is a jerk, and kills all the king's male heirs and forces her to be a vestal virgin. But the god of war doesn't care, and bam! She's knocked up and gives birth to twins named Romulus and Remus. Unfortunately for Rhea, Amulius finds out. So Rhea's like but really, the gods made them you can't kill them. And Amulius is all watch me, I'm throwing them in the river!
Unfortunately for Amulius, the babies wash downstream where they are picked up and nursed back to health by a lactating she-wolf and a friendly woodpecker. Then some shepards. But you can't keep royalty down, and the brothers decide they need to found a city.
Romulus: Hey, let's found a city on Palentine Hill. Remus: That's stupid. We should found it on Aventine Hill. Romulus: It seems like I'll win this argument if you're dead. Remus: *dead* Yeah, probably.
So Romulus founds the city and Rome flourishes into being! Male refugees come from all over to join his army and glory in the burgeoning republic! But deep down, Romulus realizes that something is missing.
Romulus: *sigh* Oh ghost-Remus, something is incomplete in my world. Ghost-Remus: Oh, what ever is the matter brother? Do you feel like you're all alone in the world. Like your other half is missing? I wonder why that could--Romulus: You're right! I need a lady-friend. Ghost-Remus: Not really what I was getting at. I think you should admit you were wrong to--Romulus: Yes, a lady-friend. I need a lady-friend. My citizens all need lady-friends. We'll steal some lady-friends from the Sabine tribe nearby. Thanks for your advice Ghost-Remus!Ghost-Remus: *sigh*
And so Romulus and his posse of Romans abduct all these women from the Neptune Equester festival and offer them all the chance of honorable marriage. And everyone is happy, except for everyone that didn't really want to be abducted, and everyone that dies in the ensuing war.
The moral of this story is: nutritional deficits in wolf-milk just might leave children with some developmental impairments.
5. Hercules Breaking Nessus!
A great example of "Torso Torsion" which would be a great band name.
Giambologna (1599), Heracles and NessusSo...as near as I can figure, this fight didn't actually happen as seen above. It would have gone a whole lot better for everyone involved if Hercules had killed Nessus with a blunt object in single combat. Bloodless coup. But that's NOT what happened.
The problem was...so there's this Centaur, Nessus, who's kind of a jerk. One day Hurcules and his second wife Deianira decide to cross a river. Nessus, chillin nearby kindly offers to give them a ride. So he picks up Deianira and takes her across a river. And then tries to take her, across the river, if you know what I mean. Seeing this about to happen from the other bank, Hercules says nope, whole lotta nope, and shoots Nessus with an arrow tipped in poison from the Hydra.
With his dying breath Nessus turns to his would-be victim and whispers: hey girl, I know I was about to ravage you and all, but you can trust me. As a reward for all of this, you can use my blood to make Hercules love you forever. And Deianira says: well, I guess it can't hurt to just keep some centaur blood around forever just in case. And that's not weird, because Hercules did the same thing with that Hydra poison.
So they go on with their journey and the centaur's dead and everything's great. Fast-forward years or something. So Hercules is hot stuff, and Deianira knows this. So when she sees him making eyes at some other woman, she thinks, hey, I'd better put some Centaur blood on his shirt when he goes and hangs out with his friends today. And when he puts on the shirt he burns with poison and jumps into a fire and dies.
The moral to this story is: Don't wear shirts. Shirts will kill you.
6. The Common Man takes His Last Step!
One small step for mankind...
Chet Abraham (2011) Common Man
Ok, this is on a nearby bridge, not in the Piazza. But a suicide statue seemed to fit the list.
So once upon a time, there is a very common man who is full of angst and vandalizes street signs into clever pictures that make you rethink signs and symbols and space. But one day he decides, in a cubist and abstracted sense, that life isn't worth living, so he cleverly put this statue on a bridge without the permission of authorities, in a cry for help. Fortunately for him, the statue is rescued, because suicide and unwanted statuary are against the law. But everyone loved it, so the statue went right back up about to take that fatal step.
And to this day, the common man has failed to complete his suicide.
It's probably the only thing in Florence not based on myth.
The moral of this story is: contemporary art is too postmodern to convey narrative, which sucks for storytelling.
So go to Florence. Enjoy the statues. It's an idyllic location to mull over this subtext of brutal history and death while you subsist on a diet of cannoli and gelato. Maybe, maybe, Florence can win you over despite the hype.
Afterall, it does have a river of fire.
Size matters.
So do art skillz.Florence values art. Some people visit and wax poetic about the ambiance for years to come. And they build it up. A lot. They'll tell you over and over just how much you'll love it.And you will! Just as soon as you can get people to shut up about how great the city is.
but we'll burn that bridge when we come to itIf you happen to go to Florence, sooner or later you're going to see Michelangelo's David. But if you don't want to pony up some cash to see the original, there are two fine copies around the city. One of the copies overlooks the city.
And he has a pretty good view.The other copy lives in the Piazza della Signoria. The Piazza is so full of statues you'll wonder if Medusa walked around checking out very active guys with sixpack abs.
But then you'll see her severed head is looking at tourists instead.
Consequently, they stand frozen, taking pictures of statues. Especially the David.
No matter how you feel about David's weak crumbling ankles and souvenir sales of his anatomically correct boxer shorts, the statue says something. And that something is: hey Goliath, who's got five stones and is about to cut off your head? This guy.
But that's just one statue. Every statue in the Piazza tells a story. And pretty much all the stories are about brutal murder or rape.
And thus is the true joy of Florence revealed: stone statues tell you stories instead of stoned tour guides!
And now we turn to...
The Top Five Violent Stone Statue Stories of Florence as Told by a Drunk Tour Guide!
1. The Rape of Polyxena!
Because one Xena isn't enough...Pio Fedi, (1865) Rape of Polyxena, or, PG version, Phyrrus(Neoptolemus) and PolyxenaSo there's this chick named Princess Polyxena, daughter of King Priam of Troy. (That Troy? Yeah, Italics, that Troy.) So one day, during this foreverlongwar, she's fetching water with her brother Troilus, when they run into this hot goldenboy Achilles, who is busy being the Great Hero of the army besieging Troy. Whoops. So Achilles promptly KILLS her brother and then starts moping around about the death of his bunk buddy/very close male friend Patroclus, who was also recently killed in battle. Polyxena pats him on the back and says, Oh Achilles, I, too, know what it is to lose people you care about, like, I dunno, maybe five minutes ago when you killed my brother? I get it, it sucks. Admiring her wisdom, and realizing he is down a lover, Achilles decides his best move is to convince Polyxena that he is a sensitive dude, so he tells her the sob story of his one true weakness. So she says oh, you're so deep and sensitive! Let's do next Tuesday. So then she goes home and has a chat with some of her other brothers:
Polyxena: You'll never believe it! A flaw! Achilles' heel--!
Paris & Deiphobus: Duh. He killed our brother and is besieging our city. We know Achilles is a heel.
Polyxena: He's not a--shut up. Achilles' heel is his Achilles' heel! You can KILL him with a poisoned arrow in his heel!
So they do that.
Needless to say, ghost-Achilles is pissed, so he tells his son Neoptolemus that he is a failure of a son if he doesn't make the funeral a party. And to make it a party, all he has to do is sacrifice Polyxena on top of corpse-Achilles' grave. Neo says 'k, and he steals her away, because the Trojans are too accepting of horses. Since most of Polyxena's family is dead by this point anyway, she's all, fine, if you must. And her chastity is SAVED because, sitting on top of Achilles' tomb, she strategically rearranged her dress to make sure she won't flash the audience when they slit her throat and her corpse falls over.
The moral of this story is: you can bring a horse to water, but you can't prevent a bunch of Greeks from climbing out in the middle of the night and killing everyone.
2. Judith Beheading Holofernes!
Don't worry, Holo-man, you won't feel a thing, you drunk!Donatello (Ninja Turtle) (1988 copy of 1460 work)
So this Assyrian General, Holofernes, is roving about the countryside occupying the sea coast and destroying local gods on behalf of Nebuchadnezzar. Now, Holofernes has been warned against attacking the Chosen people that live in a city called Bethulia, so he immediately decides to attack the Chosen people in Bethulia. Holofernes rolls up to the town and says: If you're so chosen, how did I just cut off your water supply? Mwa-ha-ha-ha, motherfuckers! Consequently, the leadership of poor Bethulia gets together and has a council meeting along the lines of oh shit, we're going to run out of water in five days. Friends and neighbors, sorry, we're probably going to have to surrender. Unless we have a hero. The townspeople look awkwardly around for a hero. Judith, a beautiful widow of the city, stands up and clears her throat. The men roll their eyes and keep talking: And that will suck, because we'll have to bow to Nebuchadnezzer, who thinks he's a god. Judith rolls her eyes, and interrupts: come on guys, think outside the box. Or think inside the box. Or just about boxes, if you know what I mean. And we can put this General in a box. Council: What? Judith: Nevermind. Just calm down. I got this.
So Holofernes spends a day checking out the city to decide if it is worth capturing, crushing, or grinding into flour to make bread. But, being a well-rounded individual, the general is not too distracted by crushing to notice this hot chick making eyes at him. So Holofernes looks at Judith and he says hey lady, you should come by the camp later. I can pitch a tent if you know what I mean wink wink. And Judith is like, Oh, yes, Holofernes! But I hope you plan to pregame this thing. I know I will! So she spends a good half an evening putting on makeup and checking her watch to make sure she's arriving good and fashionably late, leaving poor Holofernes pregaming sad and alone in his tent until the moment she walks in, sex appeal up to her eyeballs. She instantly challenges Holofernes into a drinking contest with himself, and he readily agrees. Hours later, Holofernes is wobbling on his feet, and he turns to her and says Hey hottie, is that a sword in your skirt or are you just happy to see me? Then he promptly faceplants onto the bed/floor. So Judith heaves a huge sigh of relief that he was too drunk to get all handsy and compromise her honor. What a gentleman/drunk, she murmurs. Then she takes her sword out of her dress and cuts off his head. She gives it to an old woman servant to carry it to city council in a handbasket. And the city is saved!
The moral of this story is: there's more than one way to get a head in life.
3. Perseus Beheading Medusa!
Bad-idea soccer ball.Benvenuto Cellini, Perseus with the Head of Medusa (1545)So there's this woman, Danae, who's cast into the sea with her Zeus-spawn son, Perseus, and they wash up on some island. Fast forward to Perseus being big and strong, and Polydectes, King of the island, demanding Danae to be his wife. Danae is all no, you're ugly and you smell. So Polydectes tricks Perseus into promising him the head of the Gorgon Medusa. And Perseus is like fine, whatever, I know you're just trying to get me out of the way, but my pride is too big to do anything about it. Now what is a medusa?
(Good question, Perseus. Basically an ugly chick with hair made of snakes and eyes that turn you to stone. There are some stories that Medusa and the gorgons sprang into being out of hate. Ovid prefers the more problematic version, in which Poseidon rapes the gorgeous Medusa in Athena's temple, which enrages Athena, so she turns Medusa's face stone-ugly and her hair to snakes. One might consider this victim-blaming and a misplaced punishment. However, this negative interpretation disregards how cool it would be to have hairsnakes.)
So Perseus goes out and quests and finds three old women with only one eye between them, and steals it when one is handing it to another. And he's like Listen up witches! Lead me to some nymphs that will give me stuff to defeat Medusa, or it's Ping-Pong. And they're like fine, we'll take you there, but seriously how can we see to walk? Somehow they all manage to get to the nymphs. He lets the old ladies go, and it's Christmas for Perseus. The gods got his memo, and he has to sit around for hours, unwrapping gifts from the gods. From Athena, a mirror-polished shield, Hermes, some cool shoes that fly, Zeus an adamantine sword and Hade's helmet of invisibility. Oh, and a bag to store the gorgon's head.
So Perseus walks through a field of stone statues of men until he gets to the gorgon lair. He thinks a lot about what pose he would like to be as a statue, then wises up and starts walking backwards, using Athena's mirror. Perseus follows the sounds of snakes snoring to find Medusa sleeping, and decapitates her. Success! Win! And after this great act of heroism,everything continues to work out for male privilege Perseus.
The moral of the story is: there's more than one way to get a head of snakes.
4. The Rape of the Sabine Women!
This was one block of marble.Giambologna, The Rape of the Sabine Women (1574-82)
So there's this king, Numitor, who has a daughter named Rhea Silvia. Unfortunately for Rhea, her brother, Amulius, is a jerk, and kills all the king's male heirs and forces her to be a vestal virgin. But the god of war doesn't care, and bam! She's knocked up and gives birth to twins named Romulus and Remus. Unfortunately for Rhea, Amulius finds out. So Rhea's like but really, the gods made them you can't kill them. And Amulius is all watch me, I'm throwing them in the river!
Unfortunately for Amulius, the babies wash downstream where they are picked up and nursed back to health by a lactating she-wolf and a friendly woodpecker. Then some shepards. But you can't keep royalty down, and the brothers decide they need to found a city.
Romulus: Hey, let's found a city on Palentine Hill. Remus: That's stupid. We should found it on Aventine Hill. Romulus: It seems like I'll win this argument if you're dead. Remus: *dead* Yeah, probably.
So Romulus founds the city and Rome flourishes into being! Male refugees come from all over to join his army and glory in the burgeoning republic! But deep down, Romulus realizes that something is missing.
Romulus: *sigh* Oh ghost-Remus, something is incomplete in my world. Ghost-Remus: Oh, what ever is the matter brother? Do you feel like you're all alone in the world. Like your other half is missing? I wonder why that could--Romulus: You're right! I need a lady-friend. Ghost-Remus: Not really what I was getting at. I think you should admit you were wrong to--Romulus: Yes, a lady-friend. I need a lady-friend. My citizens all need lady-friends. We'll steal some lady-friends from the Sabine tribe nearby. Thanks for your advice Ghost-Remus!Ghost-Remus: *sigh*
And so Romulus and his posse of Romans abduct all these women from the Neptune Equester festival and offer them all the chance of honorable marriage. And everyone is happy, except for everyone that didn't really want to be abducted, and everyone that dies in the ensuing war.
The moral of this story is: nutritional deficits in wolf-milk just might leave children with some developmental impairments.
5. Hercules Breaking Nessus!
A great example of "Torso Torsion" which would be a great band name.Giambologna (1599), Heracles and NessusSo...as near as I can figure, this fight didn't actually happen as seen above. It would have gone a whole lot better for everyone involved if Hercules had killed Nessus with a blunt object in single combat. Bloodless coup. But that's NOT what happened.
The problem was...so there's this Centaur, Nessus, who's kind of a jerk. One day Hurcules and his second wife Deianira decide to cross a river. Nessus, chillin nearby kindly offers to give them a ride. So he picks up Deianira and takes her across a river. And then tries to take her, across the river, if you know what I mean. Seeing this about to happen from the other bank, Hercules says nope, whole lotta nope, and shoots Nessus with an arrow tipped in poison from the Hydra.
With his dying breath Nessus turns to his would-be victim and whispers: hey girl, I know I was about to ravage you and all, but you can trust me. As a reward for all of this, you can use my blood to make Hercules love you forever. And Deianira says: well, I guess it can't hurt to just keep some centaur blood around forever just in case. And that's not weird, because Hercules did the same thing with that Hydra poison.
So they go on with their journey and the centaur's dead and everything's great. Fast-forward years or something. So Hercules is hot stuff, and Deianira knows this. So when she sees him making eyes at some other woman, she thinks, hey, I'd better put some Centaur blood on his shirt when he goes and hangs out with his friends today. And when he puts on the shirt he burns with poison and jumps into a fire and dies.
The moral to this story is: Don't wear shirts. Shirts will kill you.
6. The Common Man takes His Last Step!
One small step for mankind...Chet Abraham (2011) Common Man
Ok, this is on a nearby bridge, not in the Piazza. But a suicide statue seemed to fit the list.
So once upon a time, there is a very common man who is full of angst and vandalizes street signs into clever pictures that make you rethink signs and symbols and space. But one day he decides, in a cubist and abstracted sense, that life isn't worth living, so he cleverly put this statue on a bridge without the permission of authorities, in a cry for help. Fortunately for him, the statue is rescued, because suicide and unwanted statuary are against the law. But everyone loved it, so the statue went right back up about to take that fatal step.
And to this day, the common man has failed to complete his suicide.
It's probably the only thing in Florence not based on myth.
The moral of this story is: contemporary art is too postmodern to convey narrative, which sucks for storytelling.
So go to Florence. Enjoy the statues. It's an idyllic location to mull over this subtext of brutal history and death while you subsist on a diet of cannoli and gelato. Maybe, maybe, Florence can win you over despite the hype.
Afterall, it does have a river of fire.
