C.J. Redwine's Blog, page 18

Jack The Giant Killer

Today for Trailer Tuesday I bring you the trailer for a movie coming out this summer. It's an adaptation of the Jack and the Beanstalk fairy tale. Looks intriguing! What do you think?

Toilet of Doom*

*Special thanks to Twitter follower xHeatherxMariex for the title.

1. I had a post planned for today--my first day back from the holiday I took from writing real blog posts.

2. It had visual aids that looked like this:


and this:



3. I know. Classy, right?

4. But certain events have conspired to change the theme of my post. And NOW the visual aid looks like this:




5. Allow me to explain.

6. Over the years, I've discovered that I (most inexplicably) have a nemesis or two out there. Chicken nuggets. Gravity. Beth Revis.

7. Trees. Goats. Diet Coke.

8. Dental hygienists. iPhones. Green beans.

9. I could continue, but I think you get the picture. I've even devoted an entire post to one of my more determined opponents--that spawn of Satan we call the automatically flushing toilet.

10. I made the grievous mistake of believing that I could openly discuss the toilet's actions in a public forum with impunity.

11. I'm here to tell you that is not the case.

12. Apparently, the automatically flushing toilet takes exception to a frank discussion of its (lengthy) list of faults.

13. And apparently, I'm on the short list of Those Who Must Be Neutralized.

14. The toilet has, in various locations, tried to wound me.

15. Multiple flushes with a line of women waiting. Flushes with cruel suction and drafty drafts where no drafts should go. Flat-out refusals to flush, no matter how much I threaten its mama.

16. But these actions, while inconvenient and annoying, did not strike fear in my heart.

17. And any worthy nemesis will tell you there's no point in being a nemesis if you can't strike fear in your opponent's heart.

18. Last night, the automatically flushing toilet escalated the conflict.


19. I took the teenager to see Mission Impossible 4.

20. As I walked into the theater, I realized two things. 1. I was about to drink a significant amount of Diet Coke. 2. I've carried three babies, all of whom parked right on top of my bladder and traumatized it for life. I needed to go into this movie on EMPTY.

21. So, I decided to use the restroom.

22. Sadly, I was playing right into the toilet's ... um ... flushers.

23. I don't know how the dastardly deed was accomplished (though I suspect a paid professional), but somehow the toilet KNEW which stall I would choose.

24. And it KNEW I would be wearing shoes without much traction.

25. And it KNEW all the various laws of physics that would work to its advantage.

26. Like the law of inertia.

27. And gravity.

28. I, on the other hand, had grown complacent, and therefore I was easy pickings.

29. I walked down the line of stalls, saw one with an open door, and stepped over the threshold right into a puddle of water.

30. Have you ever been water skiing?

31. It can be fun, under the right circumstances.

32. You know, the circumstances in which you are in a warm, sunny location being pulled by a boat.

33. The circumstances in which if you lose your balance, you simple sink into the water and start swimming.

34. These were NOT those circumstances, but there I was. Water skiing.

35. Fortunately, it was a short journey. There's only a couple of feet between the doorway and the toilet.

36. Unfortunately, while the toilet was kind enough to stop the forward momentum of my knees, it failed to address the forward momentum of the rest of me.

37. Have you ever seen a jack-knifed semi truck?

38. Then you get the idea.

39. I hit the toilet with my knees (sooo fun), jack-knifed at the waist, and had the presence of mind to slam my arms onto the toilet seat mere seconds before my face hit the water.

40. Before my FACE hit the WATER.

41. I do not think there's enough therapy in the world to recover from giving oneself a swirly in a public restroom with the stall door wide open for all the other occupants of the restroom to stand there and take bets on how long it will take you to surface.

42. I nearly scrubbed my skin off as I washed up and left the restroom.

43. On the way home, I contemplated all the ways in which I would now have to be wary whenever I got desperate enough to use a public restroom.

44. And then I got home, walked into my own familiar bathroom and stepped (barefoot) on a wad of chewing gum. (I have boys. Why are you surprised?)

45. I'd like to tidy up the end of this post with a pithy little remark, but honestly? I just nearly did a face-plant into a public toilet.

45. I've got nothing left.

Trailer Tuesday: Snow White and the Huntsman

Today's trailer is for a movie based on the Snow White fairy tale. This is no Disney cartoon version, however. I can't WAIT to see this. What do you think?

Trailer Tuesday - Everneath

Today's book trailer is for a book that hits stores this January. I've read an ARC of EVERNEATH, and I have to tell you, it is one of my all-time favorite books. Ever. You won't want to miss it! This trailer gives just a little hint at the awesomeness of EVERNEATH. What do you think?

Trailer Tuesday: THE SPACE BETWEEN

Today's trailer is for Brenna Yovanoff's THE SPACE BETWEEN. Brenna writes lush, atmospheric, insightful books. I can't wait to read TSB. What do you think?

Sparkle While You Spit!

1. Sadly, I don't have much to contribute to Monday's blog list. (Other than the pic above which one of my awesome Twitter followers was kind enough to send to me.)

2. My favorite may be Edward Llama.

3. The only thing better than being able to spit on your enemies is to sparkle while you do it!

4. Anyway, the reason I don't have much to contribute today is because I spent most of last week sick with the flu.

5. This was unfortunate for many reasons, not the least of which is that fever-induced insomnia leads to a whirlwind of absolute craziness in my head.

6. Here's a peek at what my stream of consciousness looked like last Thursday night:

Ladyfinger cookies don't look like fingers.Or DO they?*spends far too much time imagining eating fingers*I don't think there's anyway to eat fingers in a ladylike manner.Zombie Etiquette!Elizabeth Post's "Table Manners for Zombies"ZombiessssszzzzzzzzzUP! I'm up!Why am I up?It's dark. It must be late. I bet I was asleep for hours.*checks clock*Three minutes since last time I looked? THREE? Someone is torturing me. Beth Revis?An evil mastermind, yes, but how could she give me the flu from hundreds of miles away?Flu ninjas?Chuck Norris?What would happen if Chuck Norris could fly?Who says he can't?Who says Chuck Norris is even REAL?Nothing is real.Except the fact that the room is spinning.Who told this room it could spin? I would definitely remember giving my permission for something like that.Beagle dogs.I need to get better. I need to clean the house.If they can invent a self-cleaning oven, why can't they invent a self-cleaning house?Lazy scientists.I'll send Chuck Norris to whip them into shape.CHUCK NORRIS SHOULD CLEAN MY HOUSE.I really need sleep.*checks clock*ONLY TWO MORE MINUTES HAVE PASSED?*dies**figuratively*And on and on it went. And to make it even better? The entire thing played out against a running loop of the following theme song:



Why I got both the Wonderpets and Chuck Norris stuck in my head at the same time is one of the great mysteries of the universe.

Trailer Tuesday: Variant

There are three trailers for the book VARIANT. I'm intrigued. What do you think?

Trailer Tuesday: Dark Eden

Today's book trailer is for a book I'd heard nothing about until I found this trailer on Harper's YouTube channel, but once I watched this video, I decided to put DARK EDEN on my TBR list! What do you think?

Winner: THE NEAR WITCH

Thank you to all who entered the contest for the copy of Victoria Schwab's THE NEAR WITCH. As always, I used random.org to choose the winner. And the lucky winner is:

Denise Zaky
Congratulations Denise! You will receive a confirmation email from me shortly. Thanks for entering and happy reading!

Boys - 0, Baby Girl - 1

1. I don't think today's list will be very long. I don't feel like I have a lot to say.

2. I might surprise myself, though, so be forewarned.

3. I didn't spend much time online this past weekend, so I was totally shocked pleasantly surprised when I saw there are a handful of intrepid souls actually willing to take on the formidable job of being my assistant even though my compensation package is ... odd.

4. I actually was just having fun with that post. I DO need an assistant at some point, but until I can pay someone in cash instead of books and llamas, I'll wait.

5. I do, however, now have a short list of those who are interested, so that's awesome!

6. Johanna is talking up a storm these days. She seems to learn new words every day.

7. Yesterday, I was reading a book to her, and I pointed to things and asked her to say them as I turned the pages.

8. The conversation looked like this:

Me: Can you say "apple"?

J: Apple.

Me: Can you say "fish"?

J: Fish.

Me: Can you say "bird"?

J: Bird.

Me: Can you say "flower"?

J: Yup.

9. I guess she was done repeating after me. :)

10. We got the latest edition of Harry Potter Scene It, the one with all 8 films represented, and I can proudly say that I trounced the rest of my family last night.

11. I don't usually win HP Scene It, but the new format and options on this edition played to my strengths.

12. Who knows how long the rest of my family will let me keep my bragging rights?

13. Last week, Clint and I went to see the Broadway musical MEMPHIS. It was fabulous!

14. I'm grateful he has a job that gives us access to so much of the art scene here in Nashville.

15. My kids have no idea how lucky they are to get to go to shows, concerts, plays, museums etc every month.

16. Speaking of kids, Baby J has the boys firmly wrapped around her little finger. Here's proof:

17. The other day, the boys were watching their favorite show, Phineas and Ferb. Baby J was wandering around the living room playing when she slipped and fell and hit her head.

18. She cried. I picked her up and rocked her while sitting on the couch, and she kept crying. All three boys got up from their seats and hovered around me, trying to get their little sister to stop crying.

19. She looked up and saw them and said "Hot dog?"

20. Which is her way of saying "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse," her favorite show. (They sing a song at the end of every show that is called "Hot dog.")

21. The boys instantly changed the tv channel to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. As soon as she saw that, she stopped crying and smiled.

22. I told the boys they'd been played.

23. They didn't care. Anything to make her happy.

24. I'm pretty sure Baby J understands that attitude with perfect clarity.