Richard Raley's Blog, page 20

Extremely Important Observation

 Why is it that every time you get double same flavor in a sugar free Popsicle pack it's always fucking grape?!?!

Where's my fucking double cherry?  Huh?  Where?!?!

Rather Horrid Medical Update

My father finally got in for his heart procedure yesterday, driving through Fresno at 5am in a rain storm being quite an adventure in itself, and...well they pretty much treated him like an electric appliance and switched him off and back on.

Normally this resets your rhythm but they tried 3 times and it did nothing.  So...not good all around.  It's only the first step, but usually it's a first step that works, at least for a number of months, so...very bad mojo.

Next week I have to take my mother in for her second vaccine shot and then get mine a couple days later, so that's good, if another distraction.  Second shot is supposed to hit harder than the first, so we'll see what happens there.

I also have my six month from my first post surgery appointment the week after that.  That side of things has been awesome.  I'm down 85 pounds since surgery, 140 since I set off on this path.  Back nerve weirdness is minimal now, throat thing is in remission and looking back I cant believe how much pain I was in day to day that now is just gone.  Wrists can still be a little funky, but I live with my braces on at this point and even they've gotten better without all that extra weight around.

I also think...well, if I wrote that well feeling like shit, what can I do going forward?

I'm hopeful for the long future again, but it doesn't look like my father will be there to see it.

More good news is that April and May are clear so far and, maybe I can finally go Mad Scientist?  We'll see...we'll see.

Writer's Brain

Having just spent the day helping my mother grocery shop for hours and hours and hours, I finally boot up the laptop to check in on a Lego set I bought (Medieval Blacksmith so cool!!!) and see if it was shipped yet.

Me:  Supposed to be here by Friday but currently in Texas...well, God be with it.

Brain:  Isabel can't be Anima Mad.

Me:  ...what?

Brain:  Isabel can't be Anima Mad.

Me:  First of all, we aren't even writing that novel yet because we're an idiot who wanted to show off and came up with two fucking timelines and also thought why not write a Vicky novel--

Brain:  You kind of wrote some of it.

Me:  Like fifty pages and--

Brain:  Isabel can't be Anima Mad.  The problem isn't what you are writing, the problem is what you already wrote.

Me:  When did I say--

Brain:  Maximus can't be Anima Mad.  Isabel is a Maximus.  Thus, Isabel can't be Anima Mad.

Me:  So we know that yes there's more going on with dragons but that doesn't mean anima can't--

Brain:  She can't be Anima Mad.

Me:  When did I fucking write that then?

Brain:  Glassbreaker Goes Home.  When King Henry is talking to Old Man Price.  It's just one line.

Me:  *dawning realization*  Son of a Bitch!

Brain:  Better look it up, because I'm always right.

Me:  You are not.  Half the time you're just spouting stupid anxiety shit in the middle of the night about fucking typos.

Brain:  We hate the typos!!!

Me:  *look it up* Holy fuckballs!

Brain:  Isabel can't be Anima Mad.

Me:  Fine...Isabel can't be Anima Mad.  Sort of.  I don't quite have it all worked out, but it's complicated and we'll--

Brain:  Well whatever it is, she can't be Anima Mad now.

Me:  I fucking see that.

Brain:  I bet you just wrote that because you thought it sounded cool, didn't you?

Me:  *seething at past self*

Brain:  It is cool...it's a cool paragraph and a cool moment.  But...Isabel can't be Anima Mad.

Me:  It's 4PM, I've been out all day, I'm probably covered in Rona except for the mask shaped hole around my mouth, my Lego still isn't here yet and I just want to watch some YouTube, leave me alone!

Brain:  ...

Me:  *staring at the paragraph* Stupid ass.

Brain:  ...you should make a note.

Me:  New writer chair so comfy...

Brain:  You've already got it half figured out, but if you don't make a note you'll forget that you have to figure out the second half.  Then you'll have a continuity error.  All because you were too lazy to make a note.  Actually, you should open up your writing laptop and find the correct file and then make a note on the file in the chapter where it will probably come up since--

Me:  Paper note in my writer folder is all you get.

Brain:  ...what if you forget it?

Me:  You'll remember at some odd fucking hour out of the middle of nowhere, you weird fucking creature, won't you?!?!?

Brain:  ...I do it because I love you!

Me:  *make note*  Happy?

Brain:  You could make this into a funny blog post!

Fantastic Mini Health Update

Got my first shot Thursday.  Just took my mom for hers.  The relief!  All that worry finally starting to fade away as those antibodies build up day by day!  5 stars, would recommend!  Does however need more stickers and lollipops...

Now if I could just find a PS5...

So I Cut This

Been working more.  Actually switched off of the Vicky book to work on the last school story (War to End All Wars) since I felt like I needed some King Henry in my life.  As usual when I do this I began with an edit of the material already written and these 5ish pages were hilarious but also one King Henry diversion too many I suppose, so I yanked it out and...well, thought you might enjoy it even if it's non-canon and unfinished and so forth!

Copyrighted by me, Richard Raley, all rights reserved, do not copy and paste but instead link back here please, etc.

***

The teacher housing was only slightly less abandoned than the rest of the school.  Lot of them took this time to go on vacation too.  Plutarch’s house being to the north and east of it all, the oldest part that hung nearest to the Ultra classrooms, it was the most abandoned.  Down south with the newer development you might catch small flashes of activity, like a sight of kids playing or an adult working in the yard.

Ya know, typical Nice, Quiet One Would You Be My Neighbor shit.

The Gullick brood used to be the go-to source for that type of scene, only they’d all aged with the rest of us and the summer sports extravaganza had fallen by the wayside these last couple years.  Naomi—hallowed be her motorboated ta-tas—had two siblings already attending the school and three more soon to join the others.  You could still catch her mom, Natalie, out and about in the garden or their greenhouse out back, but…I wasn’t about to risk Mr. Gullick's ire by being anywhere near the place.

After all, had it on good authority that he’d just finally stopped planning my murder by anima-modified exploding daffodil assassination.

Not that King Henry Price is known for his perfect timing, but…seemed like a bad time to be asking after Naomi.

Although…

Glorious ta-tas…

Maybe she was back from Japan already?

Nah, not happening.  Not like Naomi’s as free with her charms as she used to be anyway…turned downright prudish, that girl!  Like half the school year didn’t know about that mole on her right nipple!  Or the way she squeaked like a chipmunk when you…hey, kiddies, none of you would ever betray me and give these tapes to Mr. Gullick, right?

Their house wouldn’t be on my way as it was…would need an excuse for heading down there.  Checking to see if Ceinwyn was home?  Yeah…no one would buy that.  Trading baking tips with Jethro Smith?  Hey, Mr. Gullick, just…heading to taste some white chocolate truffle balls!  You know me, I love my balls!  Just can’t get enough of them!

Snap out of it, King Henry.  Hardly worth the detour and even you ain’t that horny.  Only been a month, man!  Yeah, you and Eva went at it like rabbits for the better part of a year, but keep it fucking together!  Don’t you embarrass me by getting all moppy and pathetically pussy wiped, I won’t fucking stand for it this time.  And none of that emo shit like when you break up with Val, promise me!

Nah, Eva ain’t Val.  But…I liked what I had with her plenty fine.  Was just…

Other fish in the sea, hombre!

Suppose there were.

If you had a whole sea to fish at.

Problem was—and being I was a twenty-year-old man it was a problem I put a lot more thought about it than I did Plutarch’s fairy bleeping and blooping—I didn’t have any sea no more to fish at.  Didn’t even have a lake.  Maybe, just maybe, I barely had a pond.  Being I was no longer a teenager and 95% of the Asylum student body was…  Way it all worked out, there were now only about forty-five girls at the school I coulddate, romance, or just plain do the grunting and humping with.  I mean, some of the Quads would turn eighteen this year, but they weren’t yet…and even then…  Just saying, that’s the one conversation with the Lady I’d actually dodged so far!

Why’d I break up with Eva again?  She was…so there.  All year long, we looked at each other and suddenly we’d be spontaneously naked.  Then we’d do the stuff you did when you were naked and well…how did something that was so easy and simple for so long just go bust like that?

Stopped being simple.  She made you feel, remember?  You made her feel.  Got…complicated for the both of you.  Can’t have that.  Look what Val does, you want another one, really?  Don’t be stupid.

Yup, made me feel.  Felt her va-jay-jay like twice a day, sometimes on the weekends you couldn’t even count it on one hand…mostly cuz the hand would be really busy touching some body part needed attention, be it one of mine or one of hers…

Worse than just feelings.  Started thinking about that word.  Word you know saying would only ruin your life.  Word that’s too good for the likes of you, King Henry Price.  Other.  Fucking.  Fish.  Sea or no sea, you can fucking do it.

Forty-five contenders and most were already chosen by more worthy hunters.  The majority of those who leftover despised me.  Suppose with some of them I deserve it, but not all of them.  Got to be at least a couple women I haven’t pissed off at this school…

Last year my romantic life was perfect.  Last year was perfect, period.

Across the board.

Eva.

Plutarch.

Cold Cuffs.

Perfect!

Okay, except the Raj-Miranda thing.

Which wasn’t my fault!

They both wanted it.

They were also the only ones in the room when whatever went wrong went really fucking wrong.

Whatever happened.

Even peer pressure couldn’t get Raj to talk and Miranda started hissing like a teapot every time I asked.

Still…not my fault!

Okay, sometimes it’s my fault.  Okay…usually it’s my fault.  Just not taking the blame for that one.  Or for the Mound burning down.  Damn Val sure slipped all the blame, didn’t she?

Root had to have video proof of it somewhere, right?

If she hadn’t found it and destroyed it already.

I missed her most of all.  So removed from our last breakup and with me and Eva together, well…Val and me got to be friends again.  Like, all the time.  Day I called it quits with Eva the look on Val’s face was…what?  I didn’t know.  Fear that our barrier was ripped away?  Anticipation that maybe I’d…

That’s a bad idea, dude.  Like the worst idea you’ve ever had.  You need to stop, now.

Subconscious, why you sound like Pocket all of a sudden?

Bad idea, dude!

Suppose it was.

They’d all be back at the school soon enough and then I’d actually have someone to talk to, wouldn’t I?  Stop this ruminating trudge bullshit.  Two more days.  Two!  You survived summer break again!  Ultra Vires Victorious!  Val, Welf, Miranda, Raj, Pocket, Jesus….back!

Two days.  All back for the last time at this rodeo, bring your best bronco cuz it’s gonna be a wild ride!  Not just Ultra ’09 either.  Ultra ’09 were the top dogs now, but we had us six classes of Ultras strung out beneath us like a little of pups seeking guidance.  Plus all them Intras in their thousand plus multitude…

Everyone.

Be a damn busy day.

Especially if they were actually insane enough to name me a student-advisor.  Probably sacrifice the worst class of Intras at the school to me and call it tradition maintained.  Not fair really, since I’m surprisingly good with kids.  I mean…I teach them tons of new words.  Some of the kids in the Languages class I taught didn’t even know what ‘going airtight’ meant.  That’s important shit to know.  What if you’re in the middle of an orgy and some chick asks for it and then you hesitate?  You gonna ask her to explain it?  No!  She’s gonna point at some other guy got more game than you and you’ll be standing there with a limp dick and some blue balls waiting for the really ugly chicks to take pity on you.

Think of the possible embarrassment I saved those kids!

Yeah, maybe that one got me called into the Lady’s office…

I know!  Not like I even used chalk art that time around either.  Yes, there might have been some geo-anima controlled paperclip stickmen, but really…okay maybe the little paperclip penises were a bit too much…

Just saying:  if she never banned my chalk art then I never would have had to improvise, would I?

You show Thomas Jefferson fucking one slave…

I can’t help it if I’m a stickler for historical accuracy, can I?

Okay, maybe the Amazon Position was a little bit much…

Also not very historically accurate…one would assume.  Or…I mean, what do we really know?  Could’ve been one-hundred percent boring ‘ol missionary, or maybe TJ loved him some time dangling from the [Monticello] rafters, gagged, with a peg inserted, ribbed for his pleasure.  Maybe he even ended his hard day slaving away with a quality ball-milking session.

.

.

.

Speaking of people alive when the Declaration of Independence got signed, in the middle of all that ruminating and trudging and my overactive imagination running amuck, I happened to catch sight of the Lady just then.

Nope, we’re moving on, kiddies.

Never go full ball-milking!

That’s how a thermos of your sperm ends up on Craig’s List!

The Lady.  Maudette Lynch.  The Dean of the Institution of Elements.  Princeps Scholae Elementa?  World’s Pot Brownie Champion Seventy-Two Years Running, not that any of judges were in any state to vote after they gave hers a taste test.  Ol’ Saggy Tits.  Maybe Isaac Newton did watch an apple fall from a tree or maybe he took one look at them knee knockers and thought:  yeah, got to be something to explain that shit other than just screaming ‘demon.’  I mean…she was probably alive back then too, so…seems why not? 

More accurate than TJ with his Amazon Position fetish.  Third president of the United States with his legs spread up into a ‘V’, his balls hanging in the void, his slave-lover with her hands wrapped around hisankles.  For the next few minutes that white devil dick is hers and she’s punishing the privilege right out of it until he screams for momma!

.

.

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[CLICK]

Watching, Playing, Reading: Winter 2020-2021

Minor Not-So-Update:  Still scattershot!  Still waiting on the doctors, still being there for my mom.  I will be locking this internet connected laptop up in the closet as soon as I hit "publish" on this post however and I did buy a new writing chair since the old one died months ago and...writing on the edge of my bed wasn't helping matters.  So...those should both help with the focus.  But, onto the meaningless faffing about!

==WATCHING==

MANDO SEASON 2:  As mentioned in the WW1984 snark-a-thon, this was more of a religious experience than a television show for someone who wore out multiple Star Wars VHS growing up as a child.  Not to say it's perfect, and stormtroopers have never been more hilariously pathetic, but they did so many things right and the last episode did make me cry like a three-year-old boy with his stuffed Snoopy.  Going on YouTube and watching all the other fans weeping in their own reaction vids made it even better.

As a writer, it's a reminder of our end goal and that our deepest desires should be to create moments like that for our fanbase.  Also a reminder that no matter how cool you think you are and how many expectations you subvert, that will NEVER EVER match up against actually sticking the fucking landing of giving people what they want and need and hope for.

And if you can do BOTH...you're a real BAMF.

TENET:  Finally rented Nolan's newest.  No doubt from me than this movie is genius.  It is also so far up its own ass it will never need a colonoscopy.  Amazing but soulless, I guess I would say?  Probably my least favorite of his movies.  There's a lot of "wouldn't it be cool if" here and sometimes that urge doesn't earn the moment and that creates serious problems.  Why was there a whole bit revolving around racing catamarans btw?  It got lost in everything else, but...did someone want to build some boats and get a tax break or something and they got Nolan to screw WB out of the money and...holy fuckballs, have I cracked the case?

As for the rest...thank god I been reading fantasy novels since I was ten so I picked up on all the terminology drops quick enough.  Also--not bragging and never felt more humble than I have in the last couple years--but I consider myself pretty fucking High IQ and even I was so happy that I could pause this and watch it over the course of a whole day in smaller chunks while thinking about it in-between, cuz...so far up the butt it found the Wizard of Oz!

Like...my mother thinks British/PBS mystery shows are the end all and be all of intellectual pursuits and I'm pretty sure if she accidentally watches this movie her brain will just implode.

You named the main character the Protagonist, really?!?!?

That's the kind of shit my snotty ass would've done in high school trying to be a brilliant special snowflake while actually being an extra pretentious douchebag, just saying...

DC ANIMATED UNIVERSE MOVIES:  So this is a thing.  After the WW1984 disaster I wanted some superheroes and HBO Max has all these to watch now.  And guess what, class?  Somehow, the animated DC universe is better than the billion dollar movie version by miles!  For one, none of them are completely horrible.  So...win.  And two, some of them are actually really great.  All the John Constantine stuff is especially fun.  Flashpoint Paradox, amazing.  They made a great Suicide Squad movie...somehow.  Apokolis War was super fucked up AND crazypants entertaining.

So if you're feeling superhero withdrawals these dark Rona days, give these a look-see.

ONE NIGHT IN MIAMI:  Was a play, now a movie, felt like a movie made from a play.  Four guys in a room talking about a bunch of different shit, so...kind of my thing.  Kingsly Ben-Adir and Leslie Odom Jr. battled back and forth for the top stop and everyone else did a good job too.

ENOLA HOLMES:  This was fine.  It got very stupid in the last half hour and plenty is handwaved.  Nice bit of style though.  Millie Bobby Brown is obviously a star and I expect she'll be on our screens for decades to come.

WANDAVISION FIRST HALF:  THIS SHOW IS AVERAGE AT BEST, STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE PEOPLE IT IS OMG AMAZING, MARVEL FANS.  Okay?  Got it?

Even Richard FUCKING Raley, the guy that LOVES slow buildups far, far too much for his own good, even THAT guy, thinks the first three episodes of this show are complete bullshit!  Painful bullshit!  Painful bullshit you can't skip because there's like 30 seconds of something weird that might happen that you want to see!

Even people that watch MeTV 24/7 were bored!

You made us cheer Darcy from Thor showing up!  That's how boring it was!

Paul Bettany has to dress up as a robot for this shit!

Shame!

==PLAYING==

CYBERPUNK 2077:  Well, I tried.  I don't have a super PC battlestation these days.  1)  I'm at a keyboard writing for most of the day (or should be at least when things are going well) and I just don't want to be at a computer for even longer once I decide to chill out.  2)  I've found compartmentalization increases output.  You write on the computer, you game on the console.  My writing laptop is actually a decade old and doesn't even have a modem in it.  3) I'm an old, old weak ass Boomer man of 37 and my wrists and fingers can't handle twitch shit these days, especially if I'm doing the writing + keyboard and mouse gameplay.

So...don't have the PC and who can find a PS5?  And even then, this one is still a colossal disaster on Next Gen consoles from what I've seen.  Surely was for the couple hours I punished myself with on the PS4 before collecting a refund.  Unbelievable disappointment from CDPR and a nice shit cherry on top of a super shit 2020.

CIVILIZATION VI:  There was an argument to be made that this was finally better than CIV 5 with the Gathering Storm expansion, now with all the Frontier Pass modes and added civs, there is no argument.  This is...almost perfect?  Still tons of barbarian and diety bullshit to put up with to actual get a successful run going, but it's just a great game at this point.

So...now they'll release Civ 7 and it will be shit until a couple of expansion are out...the cycle continues! 

NI NO KUNI:  WRATH OF THE WHITE WITCH REMASTERED:  JRPG fairytale with pokemon-ish minions fighting beside you.  On hold at the moment, but plan to go back.  The art style, so great!  Just makes me happy seeing every new character or city...

But its a JRPG so it will be about 100 hours long no doubt...  

FENYX, IMMORTALS RISING:  If I'd written this a couple weeks ago, I would be massively effusive in my praise of this game.  It's basically Ubisoft's version of Zelda Breath of the Wild.  Except with Greek Gods.  Is it better than Breath of the Wild?  No.  I had problems with the newest Link adventure, but those first 20 hours of exploration were incredible and I've never felt anything like it before.

But this game also LEARNED from Breath of the Wild.  Much like the Tomb Raider reboots made themselves in some ways better Uncharted games, this is the same.  Not having to fucking worry about your weapon breaking and going through five of them in one boss fight?  Fucking awesome!  Not having to farm stupid arrows because you ran out?  Fucking awesome!

Also the story is more present and the some of the jokes actually made me laugh out loud.  Zelda has less of a story and more of an environment most of the time.  Granted, its a memorable environment...but not so much on the dialogue and Zeus and Prometheus narrating you through your journey was fantastic.

Is it a rip off?  Yeah.  But...knockoff awesomesauce is still part awesomesauce, ain't it?

My biggest complaint is pretty much the last whole section of the game.  It's completely open world for 75% of the way through it, letting you do pretty much whatever you want and then suddenly you're on rails and if you step off the path then the bitter cold will kill you and yada yada.  Big disappointment of an end, basically...but a fun journey.  Play Breath of the Wild if you haven't yet...but if you HAVE...give this a go.

==READING==

CURSE OF CHALION BY LOIS MCMASTER BUJOLD (Re-Read):  Been fifteen years since I read it, still wonderous and thoughtful.

PENRIC AND DESDEMONA NOVELLA #8 AND #9 BY LOIS MCMASTER BUJOLD:  So, Bujold has won about a billion Hugo and Nebula awards and she's old lady writing badass these days and has semi-retired, but being a writing badass she still keeps pumping out a fantastic novella 3 or 4 times a year and the best of them make up the Penric and Desdemona series about a man possessed by a temple demon that's had 12 previous masters that have "imprinted" on the demon, all of them female.  Also wonderous and thoughtful.

Each novel is about 100 pages, sometimes a little more, so you're looking at some good reading if you take the jump at this point.  Same world as Chalion, but 300-ish years prior, which is why I'm re-reading it.  All of Bujold's work is highly recommended.

BAGMAN, SPIRO AGNEW BY RACHEL MADDOW:  Because somehow Nixon wasn't the biggest political asshole of the 70s.

RISE AND FALL OF THE DINOSAURS BY STEVE BRUSATTE:  I just started it, but...fucking dinosaurs go rawr!!!

==OVER TO YOU!==

Thoughts?  Opinions?  What media have you been digesting like a good capitalistic cog in the machine?  Hmm?

Sort Of Back At It

Just writing when I can, which isn't much and I'm quite frustrated by it all.  Almost at 200 manuscript pages for the Vicky book (these are much shorter than what you think of as an actual page) and about at the halfway point I feel, which is matching up with my estimates finally.

Story-wise, I'm happy with how everything is shaping up and excited for the back half especially, it's just...it's hard to give my 100% to something I care so much about like the MancyVerse when my father is...not good.  It's a real pain in the ass and a problem I've always had with my writing.  I want to produce the best piece of fiction I can, so...I can only work on it when my mind is focused on the task and not all the bullshit floating about.  I've often thought jealously on the other writers that can pump out a 300 page book every 2 months like clockwork...

So I've also been trying to stay busy while distracted.  Entering old edits into the upcoming 2021 editions (typo fixes mostly, few continuity errors, Dread Fortress got some work done trimming a pointless paragraph here or there but probably not nearly as much as the people that bitch about it want), doing background world-building, etc.  Know the names of all the other Maximi you haven't met yet, that's something, right?  Came up with about a billion Welfs...only another billion to go to fill out the whole family tree!

I've even been faffing about with another standalone novel that I don't really care about at all so I can just write whatever and it's kind of therapeutic to not obsess over a book like I usually do.  It's called "Immersion:  A Techno-Zombie Fairytale of True Love Triumphant".   Heh.  Wouldn't be a Raley title if you could say it in under five seconds!  So...yeah, no idea if I'll ever publish it, but keeping busy! 

As for my father...I don't know for sure, but I know whatever is for sure, it's not good.  He's still extremely sick, I don't doubt that, but he's also the type of person that enjoys being sick and the sympathy it can bring, so you're never quite sure if he's as bad as he plays it sometimes.  Sure, he can't breathe and he looks horrible, but when he got up from the couch and grabbed his chest for a second, was that real or just him being a jackass?

Maybe both.

He either has trouble understanding what the doctor tells him, puts up the reality distortion field, or just plain lies about what they've told him.  Lying is kind of his go-to move for his whole life.  Lying and grabbing a bottle.  Whatever they did tell him though, he spent a couple days last week pricing cremation rates, so...under all the theater, I do think he's on the way out and he knows it.  Some days.  Other days he convinces himself he's fine and works in the yard for eight hours.  Then he's in bed for the next three almost choking the death...rinse and repeat for the last month.  

The symptoms don't lie I suppose, neither do the drugs they're treating him with, and they all point towards late stage heart failure.  Still waiting on a procedure room to see if shocking his heart out of Afib might help some, but even then...I don't think they fix this one, we're just talking months or years until it's over.

Again.

That's what I keep thinking:  my poor mother having to go through this again.  

Hasn't even been a year yet since my grandfather.

Of course, having now been through this macabre situation before, I do have practice and I do know what to expect and I am handling it much better than the first run.

So...writing is getting done, just slower and more scattershot than I hoped.  Thank you for understanding...again.

Vicky Welf Novel Mini Tease #2

Mini-Not-So-Update:  haven't been able to focus on things, including my first panic attack in months last week.  Dad's extremely sick and Covid is clogging up the procedure rooms, so we're waiting and waiting and every day seems worse.  He looks horrible.  Also, if fucktards could stop assaulting government buildings, that would be nice.  Do want to get back at it and feel the urge to write growing, so here's hoping!

Let's let Vicky bring some positivity into the world, shall we?

*work in progress, subject to change, copyrighted by me Richard Raley, please don't copy and paste, etc*

Isn’t morning just the best part of one’s day?

Waking up was just…divine!

That slow languid crawl to consciousness as your mind pulled back the gossamer threads of slumber, the rays of pleasant dreams bouncing all about your brain as they faded like a best friend’s goodbye, until next should you meet.  The bed so soft and fluffy you could sink into it forever and ever.  The sheets silky and cool on your skin.  The blanket heavy at your waist, reassuring that if you grew too cold it could warm you in seconds, all the way to a toasty serene cocoon, trying to keep the moment of full wakefulness at bay, holding on to those dreams for but a few minutes more.

Then when consciousness wasfully upon you the experience only blossomed and bettered itself.  You are you.  You are alive.  You are loved.  For beside you the love of your life snores ever so slightly and in complete contentment that he too is with you.  Oh, Tyson, what a lovely evening we had!

Vicky Welf Novel Mini Tease #1

*work in progress, subject to change, copyrighted by me Richard Raley, please don't copy and paste, etc*
“This is why I loathe bringing him up.” Brother ruefully shook his head. “He’s many things, but more than anything else King Henry Price is the mess that’s impossible to ignore, impervious to cleaning, and you will smell him until the end of your days…or until you incinerate those riding boots.”

Vicky snickered. “Quite the artful way to call someone a piece of shit.”

“Victoria!” Mother scolded.
“He did it!”

Not-So-Live Snarky Blog Reaction to Watching WW1984

 Spoilers Dipshits!

1.  Why am I doing this?  I think it's the only way I'm going to make it through the movie.  This really does show how much higher the bar is for a product when you haven't made the audience pay 60 something dollars for two tickets, a bucket of popcorn, two slurpees, and a commemorative Wonder Woman Covid Mask.

Like...two buttons on my remote and I'm switched over to Netflix or YouTube no problem.  Also in the middle of NI NO KUNI on my PS4 (which is a wonderful fairytale story btw), Reddit lurks, and my Kindle is sitting across the room on a bookshelf.  I think...or it's run away because I don't spend enough time with it any more...you only read one book a month!  And it's usually non-fiction!  And you edit on me, you know how that makes me feel?!?!

Let's not pretend it's not possible to reach that bar though, as my recent religious miracle experience on viewing the finale of Season 2 of the Mandalorian proves, grown man weeping tears of joy in a dark room all by his lonesome.

It's very possible!

2.   But not here!  I paused 27 minutes into the movie to start doing this, since...holy fuckballs what happened?

3.  The Mall scene is so bad I can't believe it wasn't that bad on purpose.  What zany antics!  Wowzers!  Even the old 60s Batman show would be embarrassed by that level of camp.  Commando-version Arnold thinks you've gone too far, okay?  SURF NINJAS was more realistic!  Kwan-stu, dudes!

4.  Do you see these pictures, asshole!?!?  Look at those pictures from the first movie!  You loved the first movie!  It might be relevant...linger...linger...slow pan...linger...

Real Talk:  This is 60 years later.  A healthy person would have moved on by now.  Also how fucking sad.  You're telling me she just stayed single and miserable for 60 years?

5.  Someone saw the GHOSTBUSTERS remake and said:  let's have Kristen Wiig do that again!  It worked so well the last time! 

6.  So we have two female characters in a scene written and directed by a woman and 99% of the conversation is about men and being in love.  Also, is it weird that I noticed how horrible Gal Gadot's makeup is in this scene?  Or maybe she just has really prominent dark spots under her eyes.  Or she's a drunk...  Imagine!  4K, the cruelest mistress!

7.  I'll just leave that overly aggressive cartoonish rapist on the floor, I'm sure he won't be a danger to anyone ever again!  I mean, he probably has brain damage from the way I punted him twenty feet so...ignore the blood leaking out of his ears!

8.  All you have to do to be sexy is wear leggings instead of skirts, got it!

9.  I can't tell if Lord's supposed to look like an 80s Trump or an older Steve Harrington from STRANGER THINGS...if he pulls out a spiked baseball bat it can only improve this movie, so more adult Steve!

10.  Okay, what are the giant plastic tubes about?

11.  Lord:  I'm giving you a bunch of money for science!  Wonder Woman:  Fuck you!

12.  IRS, the true villain!

13.  Golden crocodile head is cool, props people.  It's the best part of this overly long scene...

14.  Wiig:  Look at these sexy feet!  Gadot:  LEGS!  Wiig:  Oh fuck you!  Gadot:  Although I am 50/50 on whether my va-jay-jay was on the screen for a few frames there...

15.  The lengths he's going to to get this wishing rock is so over the top...just have him ask for it or swipe it!

16.  Hey, remember the first movie, you liked the first movie!  Here's lines from the first movie!  We're really sorry we killed this guy!

17.  LEGS!!!

18.  So we're getting that complicated just so Lord can get the rock, but why a dead man came back and is haunting some poor guy is just WHOOSH?  But we're also spending quite a lot of time explaining the dynamics of the situation?  I mean if you're going to just bring a character back to life like this then forget all the hoops and just do it...

19.  You're a genie, Maxwell!

20.  I'd judge her for taking so long to get to the stone, but we've already established that Dianna hasn't had sex in 60 years...so...priorities!

21.  Wiig:  Ha!  Even more legs and my va-jay-jay is 100% showing!

22.  Real Villain IRS strikes again!

23.  Nostalgia!  It's all we got, please help us!

24.  Okay, I gave sexy time a pass, but we're 20 minutes later and we're doing museum tours now...

25.  Weird Tubes!

26.  Oh fuck me, they depowered her.  I mean, I very much get that we're doing the whole wish must be countered with equal bad shit by this point, but you went with depowering?  Not the fact that she'd have to rape some poor random dude to have the sexy time?  That wasn't enough?  I'm guessing some producer was like:  Cheetah could never beat Wonder Woman in a fight, no one will buy that, so we better do something!

And what they came up with was depowering Wonder Woman.  Instead of, ya know...picking a cooler and tougher villain...instead of a CGI monstrosity that I'm sure will eventually show up on my screen one day....once we get through about 30 more minutes of 80s references and more legs.  And feet...

27.  This entire villain is built up like that Star Trek episode where Georgi--

28.  Sherburt's ability to appear out of nowhere totally soaked from head to toe is almost a superpower at this point...he has good purrs though, so we forgive him. 

29.  --asked the holodeck to make an enemy that could defeat Data .  I want to be as cool as Dianna!  Oh, you mean Wonder Woman!  And now you're a fucking cat, bitch!  Also, how hasn't she been:  hey, Dianna, I can like...lift cars now, is that weird?

30.  Never feed your cats Temptations, it's a massive mistake.

31.  Wait...they just have working and fueled jets sitting at a Smithsonian building?  And a fucking runway?!?!  With security all labeled up with Smithsonian sigils?  What is this fucking movie?

32.  Execs:  Hey, we need the invisible jet, people like the invisible jet!  People:  um...it's like...not really important.  Execs:  No, no, give them the invisible jet!

33.  Oh yeah, it's the Fourth of July btw.  Look at how pretty!  (it is pretty)

34.  Hey, drunk rapist guy is back!  He's getting his ass kicked again.  Fuck rapists!  Except Wonder Woman for what she did to the guy Steve is possessing...cuz she's pretty so it's okay, right?

35.  Lord:  Oh look, that archeology lady that was mean to me followed us all the way to Egypt...fucking kill her!  Also, why are we in Egypt?  We know Patty Jenkins is trying to do a Cleopatra remake and I feel like maybe she's got some Egyptian fetish...

36.  WW's acting like she's not bulletproof before she realized she wasn't bulletproof btw.  Also is this really only the second action scene and we're 80 minute in?  Remember in the first movie how we had a badass dog fight scene and the beach scene and the No Man's Land scene by now?  Wait...is Steve kicking a tank turret?  Useless love interests are just the worst...

37.  I don't know if the CGI or the kids playing soccer on a highway when they're in the middle of giant flat desert is worse...

38.  Save the bananas!

39.  Egypt to Washington by morning...I see they have Game of Thrones teleport powers...

40.  Ancient Mayan, no problem, let me read that!  Right next to Greece, no problem!

41.  Steve's gonna have to sacrifice himself again so that Dianna can get her powers back to full.  Execs:  they liked the first movie, let's repeat the first movie!

42.  Look a kid, he's not completely evil!  But he's letting his kid doom himself through wishing...so he is a dick...

43.  Steve:  OMG she never got over me in 60 years.  Crazy/Hotness scale tilting in the wrong direction!

44.  Random lasso exposition powers activate.

45.  Oh yeah, that silver dinner tray really did a good job blocking bullets, Steve.  And yeah, we really had to worry about Steve killing a bunch of secret service agents using guns with a fucking sword, Dianna.

46.  I knew you for 5 seconds, Barbara, and this isn't you!

47.  Two hours and there's still thirty minutes left...

48.  Artist-Formerly-Known-As-Steve:  What the fuck is going on?  And who's been using my dick?

49.  They keep doing that green screen close up of her using her powers and it looks horrible.  Not as horrible as this flying CGI...

50.  Cheetah already had a wish!  Listen movie, I was starting to think maybe I was being too mean, even if this is all in good fun, but you can't go on and on about your rules and then just say fuck 'em when you feel like it.

51.  Wiig:  Wait until you see my CGI monstrosity legs and va-jay-jay!

52.  7 billion people on the planet, no one wished for Lord to shut up or drop dead.

53.  Execs:  have her ride lightning, that would be cool!

54.  Execs:  make sure she uses the armor, we made toys with that armor!  I mean, she has her powers back so there's no reason for the armor and unlike Cheetah, she's been trained in combat since she was old enough to walk, maybe even some jiujitsu before that...but we have to have the armor!

55.  My CGI and beat your CGI.

56.  Don't worry, instead of you having to actually do anything, we'll just film a close up on your face over and over as you get hit by something we can't see.

57.  Human tetherball fight or a Pink music video?

58.  Limp rope...happens to all of us.

59.  Ah, this all happened because white people made fun of his tamale, of course!

60.  Lord:  Fuck off helicopter guy!  Pilot:  But I brought you right to your son...somehow.  Lord: I don't need you!  I was actually in GAME OF THRONES so my teleport powers are even stronger than anyone else!

61.  Exec #1:  This movie needs more kid!  Exec #2:  Jeremy...you've had too much cocaine.

62.  Exec:  We're releasing the movie in Christmas now, so of course we need a Christmas scene reshoot!  Don't worry, only two or three of the crew will die from COVID.

63.  Hey, it's the guy I raped!  FYI...  Also, nice clothes.

--FIN--