Erin Jamison's Blog
June 1, 2014
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May 29, 2014
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November 18, 2012
December 21, 2011
Sshh!…Don’t Tell Him I Told You #4
This is the tale of a fish and a fool. Right. So I somehow got it into my thick head that I wanted a pet. What better pet than a fish? Low maintenance, soundless, no barking, no poo on the carpet, no nawing on the shoes; it was gonna be great. And then…I remembered that I live with a shit disturber (Mr. SD). I mean literally, it should be his nickname or something.
I get a 10 gallon tank and I go shopping for tank decorations (window dressing) and fish. The fish keeper hands me an empty tank for me to play around with decor placement and then shakes his head at me and sends me home, fishless. He warns me that I need to set up the tank and let some bacteria grow. I aim to be a competent fish owner so I go home armed with a thermometer and a pool heater, some glowy rocks, a replica of the Greek coliseum and some oozy goozy stuff to put in the water. I rattle off all the warnings the fish keeper advised to Mr. SD and tell him that we patiently have to wait.
The next day, Mr. SD comes home with a bag of 15 goldfish. 15! Seriously! I remind Mr. SD the rule of thumb was one fish to one gallon of water. I call my friend who works on aquariums and he advises, “Well, uh…you’re definitely gonna lose some fish, if not all.” Oh hell, well, I might as well let it run it’s course. Then Mr. SD comes home with two Beta fish. He’s intrigued by the fact that they call them fighting fish. “Let’s put them in the same tank so we can watch them fight.”, he says. I told you! I knew you didn’t believe me when I called him an shit disturber.
So then, Mr. SD regales me in his tale of how he once stole…oh sorry “borrowed” a microscope from school to do experiments on chemicals in his basement but his mother reported him and took it back to school. He points to himself and taps his temple as he says, “See, I’m intelligent!” Meanwhile I’m thinking, Ummm…not so much really. He points to the Beta tanks (glass vases with colored rocks) and says, “You should put more water in the tanks.”
I tell him specifically, “You shouldn’t put too much water in the tanks because the fish may jump out.” He laughs in disbelief. Weeks go by uneventful up until last week. After a long day at work, I’m sitting on the couch typing away on my computer. He comes in and stands in front of the tanks. He turns around and asks me, “What did you do with the fish?” Confused with a furrowed brow I look up at him.
“I haven’t done anything with the fish.” I glanced around either side of him at the tank from the couch and said, “Why is the water so high? It’s full to the brim and I know I didn’t do that.”
“No, I did it.”, he exclaims. He walks from the front of the apartment to the back of our one bedroom apartment, going into the kitchen and coming back out. “Seriously, what did you do with the fish?”
I hold up my hands and swear,”I haven’t done anything with the fish. When I left this morning, both fish were in their tanks…where they live…where they are supposed to be… dude. He probably jumped out and you need to find him before he starts stinking.” Mr. I’m intelligent. I’m a smart man. *Eye roll* I stop typing to watch him look all around the mantle, by the TV and then finally, bend over at the waist and stare at the carpet.
Fish Escape
He exclaimed in the highest pitch voice, “That motherf*cker jumped out!”
He looks at me wide eyed and slack jawed, completely amazed. “That female fish caused him to commit suicide. What a stupid fish!” Mammals are supposed to be smarter right?
Filed under: Dating, Relationships Tagged: aquariums, Beta_fish, dating, fish_out_of_water, funny, relationships, romance, stories, stupid_men
Sshh!…Don't Tell Him I Told You #4
This is the tale of a fish and a fool. Right. So I somehow got it into my thick head that I wanted a pet. What better pet than a fish? Low maintenance, soundless, no barking, no poo on the carpet, no nawing on the shoes; it was gonna be great. And then…I remembered that I live with a shit disturber (Mr. SD). I mean literally, it should be his nickname or something.
I get a 10 gallon tank and I go shopping for tank decorations (window dressing) and fish. The fish keeper hands me an empty tank for me to play around with decor placement and then shakes his head at me and sends me home, fishless. He warns me that I need to set up the tank and let some bacteria grow. I aim to be a competent fish owner so I go home armed with a thermometer and a pool heater, some glowy rocks, a replica of the Greek coliseum and some oozy goozy stuff to put in the water. I rattle off all the warnings the fish keeper advised to Mr. SD and tell him that we patiently have to wait.
The next day, Mr. SD comes home with a bag of 15 goldfish. 15! Seriously! I remind Mr. SD the rule of thumb was one fish to one gallon of water. I call my friend who works on aquariums and he advises, "Well, uh…you're definitely gonna lose some fish, if not all." Oh hell, well, I might as well let it run it's course. Then Mr. SD comes home with two Beta fish. He's intrigued by the fact that they call them fighting fish. "Let's put them in the same tank so we can watch them fight.", he says. I told you! I knew you didn't believe me when I called him an shit disturber.
So then, Mr. SD regales me in his tale of how he once stole…oh sorry "borrowed" a microscope from school to do experiments on chemicals in his basement but his mother reported him and took it back to school. He points to himself and taps his temple as he says, "See, I'm intelligent!" Meanwhile I'm thinking, Ummm…not so much really. He points to the Beta tanks (glass vases with colored rocks) and says, "You should put more water in the tanks."
I tell him specifically, "You shouldn't put too much water in the tanks because the fish may jump out." He laughs in disbelief. Weeks go by uneventful up until last week. After a long day at work, I'm sitting on the couch typing away on my computer. He comes in and stands in front of the tanks. He turns around and asks me, "What did you do with the fish?" Confused with a furrowed brow I look up at him.
"I haven't done anything with the fish." I glanced around either side of him at the tank from the couch and said, "Why is the water so high? It's full to the brim and I know I didn't do that."
"No, I did it.", he exclaims. He walks from the front of the apartment to the back of our one bedroom apartment, going into the kitchen and coming back out. "Seriously, what did you do with the fish?"
I hold up my hands and swear,"I haven't done anything with the fish. When I left this morning, both fish were in their tanks…where they live…where they are supposed to be… dude. He probably jumped out and you need to find him before he starts stinking." Mr. I'm intelligent. I'm a smart man. *Eye roll* I stop typing to watch him look all around the mantle, by the TV and then finally, bend over at the waist and stare at the carpet.
Fish Escape
He exclaimed in the highest pitch voice, "That motherf*cker jumped out!"
He looks at me wide eyed and slack jawed, completely amazed. "That female fish caused him to commit suicide. What a stupid fish!" Mammals are supposed to be smarter right?
Filed under: Dating, Relationships Tagged: aquariums, Beta_fish, dating, fish_out_of_water, funny, relationships, romance, stories, stupid_men
December 16, 2011
Sshh!…Don’t Tell Him I Told You #3
I know, I know. Don’t kill me. It’s totally been a while but while I’m sitting here barely breathing thru one nostril, I thought I’d share another tale of `Sshh!…Don’t Tell Him I Told You’. I truly thought I had seen everything. I mean, really….I know he’s certifiable but I didn’t think he could surprise me more than he already has.
I managed to keep a straight face when he came in and told me he believed in alien abductions. I shook my head and said, “Uh huh, yeah…sure”, and walked away with a grin but still, I dismissed it. I managed to hold my composure when he told me that he thought aliens had implanted a chip in his head (Psst! *Wink* This one’s loco). Mind you, I only held my composure for a minute before I laughed uncontrollably. I couldn’t help it. I mean what are you supposed to say when people say the most ridiculous things to you and are totally serious about it? And seriously, there is just no rationalizing with the irrational.
Despite all that, I was totally unprepared for the sight that greeted me when I came home last week. After becoming frustrated with my key that wouldn’t unlock the front door, I finally rung the doorbell to gain entrance to my own home. A disembodied hand materialized and flipped the lock and the door widened unaccompanied by the person who opened it. Curious at the lack of greeting, I stepped into the house and glanced behind the door and did a double take. “What the ____?”
Body Wrap
This 6’2 ft tall neanderthal of mine had taken Saran Wrap and wrapped it around and around his head, like three different times. His eyes, nose, and mouth were all visible. It was like he had tried to make a Saran Wrap cast or something. There was some kind of weird milky white stuff under the wrap which I later found out was foot cream. Foot cream…on his face. He looks at me and says, “What? It’s just like a body wrap.” Seriously? I gotta hide Saran Wrap now?!
Filed under: Dating, Relationships, Uncategorized Tagged: body_wrap, exfoliate, funny, men, online dating, relationships, saran wrap, stupid men
Sshh!…Don't Tell Him I Told You #3
I know, I know. Don't kill me. It's totally been a while but while I'm sitting here barely breathing thru one nostril, I thought I'd share another tale of `Sshh!…Don't Tell Him I Told You'. I truly thought I had seen everything. I mean, really….I know he's certifiable but I didn't think he could surprise me more than he already has.
I managed to keep a straight face when he came in and told me he believed in alien abductions. I shook my head and said, "Uh huh, yeah…sure", and walked away with a grin but still, I dismissed it. I managed to hold my composure when he told me that he thought aliens had implanted a chip in his head (Psst! *Wink* This one's loco). Mind you, I only held my composure for a minute before I laughed uncontrollably. I couldn't help it. I mean what are you supposed to say when people say the most ridiculous things to you and are totally serious about it? And seriously, there is just no rationalizing with the irrational.
Despite all that, I was totally unprepared for the sight that greeted me when I came home last week. After becoming frustrated with my key that wouldn't unlock the front door, I finally rung the doorbell to gain entrance to my own home. A disembodied hand materialized and flipped the lock and the door widened unaccompanied by the person who opened it. Curious at the lack of greeting, I stepped into the house and glanced behind the door and did a double take. "What the ____?"
Body Wrap
This 6'2 ft tall neanderthal of mine had taken Saran Wrap and wrapped it around and around his head, like three different times. His eyes, nose, and mouth were all visible. It was like he had tried to make a Saran Wrap cast or something. There was some kind of weird milky white stuff under the wrap which I later found out was foot cream. Foot cream…on his face. He looks at me and says, "What? It's just like a body wrap." Seriously? I gotta hide Saran Wrap now?!
Filed under: Dating, Relationships, Uncategorized Tagged: body_wrap, exfoliate, funny, men, online dating, relationships, saran wrap, stupid men
October 7, 2011
Sshh!…Don’t Tell Him I Told You #2
Guess what day it is today. That’s right, today is Friday and just in time for another segment of Sshh!…Don’t Tell Him I Told You.
On Saturday night I was out with what is now an ex-boyfriend and his best friend in the back seat of his red Ford Escort. “Berry” he called her (you know, his car). It’s ok, it’s a guy thing but anyway, it was late, about 12 am. We were coming back from a late night movie and stopped to get something to eat before going home. We stopped underneath the golden arches of McDonald’s and pulled into the drive thru.
Everybody in the car orders and he says, “Can I get aaaaa a large fry with a large Pepsi, and aaaa- a double burger combo with a Coke and a, let’s see….I’ma have aaaa———, can I get aahhhh—–, I don’t know aaahh—–…” It was one of those moments where you look at the menu and you look at him. He’s still over there singing the “aahhh” song sound like Bill Cosby stuck on crack. Then you try to suggest something, cars are lining up behind you, and he’s still over there doing his Heathcliff Huxtable impersonation. Then the thought is contagious because of course, that makes you want to laugh but you don’t want to laugh at him so I look out the window. And who’s gaze do I catch in the side mirror but the friend in the back seat who is visibly sitting back there trying to hold back the laughter covering his mouth with one hand with the other braced on his knee barely holding in the laughter. He keeps sounding like he’s trying to hold a sneeze in trying not to laugh at Mr. J-E-L-L-O over there.
We hollered, cried, coughed and choked. It was impossible. There was just no way we could have possibly kept a straight face if we tried to. Comedy like that, I do believe the idol himself would have said, “My boyee!”
Filed under: Dating, Relationships Tagged: bill cosby, comedy, dating, heathcliff huxtable, relationships, romance, sssh
Sshh!…Don't Tell Him I Told You #2
Guess what day it is today. That's right, today is Friday and just in time for another segment of Sshh!…Don't Tell I Told You.
On Saturday night I was out with what is now an ex-boyfriend and his best friend in the back seat of his red Ford Escort. "Berry" he called her (you know, his car). It's ok, it's a guy thing but anyway, it was late, about 12 am. We were coming back from a late night movie and stopped to get something to eat before going home. We stopped underneath the golden arches of McDonald's and pulled into the drive thru.
Everybody in the car orders and he says, "Can I get aaaaa a large fry with a large Pepsi, and aaaa- a double burger combo with a Coke and a, let's see….I'ma have aaaa———, can I get aahhhh—–, I don't know aaahh—–…" It was one of those moments where you look at the menu and you look at him. He's still over there singing the "aahhh" song sound like Bill Cosby stuck on crack. Then you try to suggest something, cars are lining up behind you and he's still over there doing his Heathcliff Huxtable impersonation. Then the thought is contagious because of course, that makes you want to laugh but you don't want to laugh at him so I look out the window. And who's gaze do I catch in the side mirror but the friend in the back seat who is visibly sitting back that trying to hold back the laughter covering his mouth with one hand with the other braced on his knee barely holding in the laughter. He keeps sounding like he's trying to hold a sneeze in trying to laugh at Mr. J-E-L-L-O over there.
We hollered, cried, coughed and choked. It was impossible. There was just no way we could have possibly kept a straight face if we tried to. Comedy like that, I do believe the idol himself would have said, "My boyee!"
Filed under: Dating, Relationships Tagged: bill cosby, comedy, dating, heathcliff huxtable, relationships, romance, sssh
