Donald Miller's Blog, page 102

Saturday Morning Cereal: The Best Viral Videos We Found This Week

Last week, the story of Jack and the Nebraska football team won your vote. I have a feeling I know which will win this week as well. Make sure to vote for your favorite below in the comments.

Saturday Morning Cereal: The Best Viral Videos We Found This Week is a post from: Storyline Blog

Thoughts on Depression and Suicide: Sometimes You Just Want To Go Home

There was a lot of press after the suicide of Rick Warren’s son – some supportive, some reprehensibly critical, some just web filler. I’ve been hesitant to add more noise, except that I’ve had a history with depression. Perhaps my story will encourage you that you are not alone.

I cannot pretend to know the depth of pain that Matthew Warren endured. But I have a bit of an idea. When I was 27 years old, I felt like Elijah in 1 Kings 19, despairing under that broom tree. “Enough of this, God! Take my life.” I’d spent seven years trying to overcome my own personal stew of family dysfunction, addictive behavior and the thousand natural shocks that the artistic temperament is heir to. During that time I worked on healing my eating disorder, I saw a therapist, prayed a lot, memorized Bible verses, and attended every Christian healing seminar that came along. Whenever they had a prayer team after church, I went up, cried, fell over, and got back up. It was the nineties: the golden age of self-help.

But the summer of my 28th year I could not get back up. If you’ve ever felt that kind of despair, you know what I mean. It doesn’t matter that people love you or God loves you; you know that. Your hope is built on nothing less than Jesus; you know that. Sometimes the burden of grief is so big, you cannot get out from underneath it – not even if your dad is a pastor or Jesus is your Lord. You just want to go Home.

*Photo by Knoll Nicolai, Creative Commons

It was also the golden age of health insurance, so I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital. Well, it wasn’t a psych ward; it was a Christian in-patient therapy program. And it wasn’t some lockdown; it was at a beautiful house in an affluent Orange County suburb. The neighbors had horses.

There were about four other clients there at the time. We did individual and group therapy. We had family visits. We took walks and made puff-paint T-shirts. They rented movies for us, like The Dream Team and Die Hard. I think they drew the line at One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. I spent almost two months there. The only reason I left was that my high school was having its tenth reunion, and I wanted to go without a chaperone in a lab coat.

They said it would be like getting a year’s worth of therapy in a couple of months. I say it was like making the decision to live. Because I came out wanting to live. That was new.

• • •

I can name a few things that aided that shift.

1. My Christian therapist and psychiatrist both insisted I go on anti-depressants. “You’re a flower in a vase with a hole at the bottom. All the counseling, therapy, prayer, is water you’re pouring into the vase. It doesn’t matter how much you dump into it; it’s escaping through the hole.” The antidepressant was the plug; not the water or the vase, just the plug. I resisted: maybe I hadn’t tried hard enough or believed enough. But I had to look at the facts. I’d fought an eating disorder since I was 18, and depression ran on both sides of my family. I reluctantly agreed and went on meds for a good stretch of time. Instead of waking up five floors below the basement and fighting my way to the surface, I woke up on the ground floor. I could use my energy on living. The drugs weren’t a substitute for doing the work. Otherwise I’d just wake up on the ground floor and see the same view. I had to change that view.

2. I committed to a regular 12-step meeting, got a sponsor, and worked through my personal inventory. Not only did I release a huge burden of resentment and guilt, I found a community of people who shared similar issues. When I slacked off, my addictive personality found alcohol. Whaddya know. I had to add AA to my list of things to do in order to stay sane. The upside is, those meetings helped me in a way that church couldn’t. No one understands you like a fellow traveler.

3. I remembered what I wanted to do with my life, with my faith and with my art. And I went after it. I took huge risks. After six weeks in a psych program, nothing scared me – not even a standup comedy club.

4. I accepted I might deal with depression all my life. I accepted I was an addict. I accepted I might have to take meds all my life. But it was better than feeling like Elijah all my life.

There were many times that I have felt like Elijah since then, despairing under that broom tree. I went through a horrendous breakup ten years ago. It literally felt like someone was ripping out my intestines. So I went back to a therapist. I went to a 12-step meeting every day. It didn’t stop me crying; I just cried in front of other people. My sponsor told me to be of service, call a newcomer, and “pray for midnight.” After all, if tomorrow is a new day, then tomorrow starts at midnight. Pray for it.

If I’d gone through any of those losses at age 27, they’d have felt like life-ending losses. The only thing I have over my 27-year-old self is time. Time and experience reminds me that this too, shall pass – the unutterable sorrow and the incomprehensible joy – shall pass. It isn’t until we are united with God in Heaven that the tears will be wiped away from all faces.

• • •

Do you or someone close to you struggle with depression? Consider short- or long-term medication. There’s nothing in the Bible prohibiting meds. If there were, we’d have a lot of diabetics in comas. Find a counselor or group that specializes in your issue. Take the Myers Briggs and Enneagram tests to identify your personality type. It’s a huge relief to see yourself described in a book and know there are millions of people just like you. You have gifts no other personality type can offer. You have weaknesses no other personality type can understand. Are you prone to depression? So were the prophets. They saw things other people didn’t see; they wrote it down and got a lot of great poetry out of it. (They also got chased around by evil kings, but that’s another story.) Learn to maximize your strength and mitigate its weakness. Get exercise and eight hours of sleep. And pray for midnight.

Now depression – even severe depression – is not the same as mental illness. Mental illness is complex and requires professional help. The Mayo Clinic cites several factors contributing to mental illness: inherited traits, environmental exposures, negative life experiences, and simple brain chemistry. The Warrens did everything they could for their son: doctors, counselors, medications, prayer and love. And still, it wasn’t enough. I don’t have an answer, except that we live East of Eden.

But if you’ve been touched by depression or a suicide, love the people it’s affected. You have no idea what burden they’ve carried on behalf of the sufferer. Love the person who’s died: you have no idea what grief they bore or just how exhausted they’d become. God did promise he’d wipe every tear from every face. Until then, we’ve got to cry our own tears and wipe them from the faces of those around us.

I remember a woman I knew in one of my 12-step meetings. She was full of energy and deeply empathic. She welcomed newcomers. She was always thrilled to see me, even after I’d played hooky for a couple weeks or months or an entire year. When I moved back to Los Angeles and returned to that meeting, I found out she had taken her own life. All I could see was an image of her sitting in a wooden chair at 7am, and how much joy she brought to the room. I thought of how much compassion and grace God must have for her. She must have gotten so tired, lain down by the broom tree and said, “Enough.” Sometimes, you just want to go Home.

Thoughts on Depression and Suicide: Sometimes You Just Want To Go Home is a post from: Storyline Blog

Great Kids Have Parents Who Seem To Do This Well

I’ve noticed something. Kids with parents who are open and honest about their faults seem to do better in life.

I’ve been working on some material for Father’s Day this week. Perhaps a little early, but it’s had me thinking about the many great dads I’ve seen in the world. And I’ve seen plenty. My friend Paul Young (who wrote The Shack and Crossroads) has an unbelievable family of terrific kids (now adults). My dear friend John MacMurray back in Oregon is one of the greatest dads I’ve seen. I’m talking about kids who are well adjusted, high functioning, easy to talk to and seem to have nothing to prove.

Secretly (until now), I’ve noticed a common theme amongst well-adjusted kids. The theme seems to be this: Great kids come from families in which parents are real about their shortcomings. They come from families who live and believe in grace.

I’ve also noticed the opposite. Many of my friends who’ve confessed to me they’ve had problems in life come from families in which parents (and mostly the Dad, honestly) have a hard time admitting they’re wrong. Often they come from religious families in which the parents felt they had to play a role model of perfection.

Of course, there are many reasons kids struggle in life. But truthfully I’m not talking about kids. I’m talking about adults. People in their thirties and forties who come from grace-oriented families with parents who do not control with guilt and shame do better.

Well-adjusted people come from families who had parents who were honest about their mistakes and shortcomings, parents who were even humbly apologetic. Imagine having a dad who’d be willing to say something like, “You know, you get your temper from me. It’s one of the terrible things I’ve handed you. I’m so sorry about that. Here’s how I’ve learned to handle it. Let me know if you need help. I love you so much. Would hate for you to have to feel any pain on account of me.”

*Photo by Oliv, Creative Commons

If you sit down with Paul Young or John MacMurray, they have absolutely no problem admitting their faults. None. And this gives you a sense of comfort as you talk to them because you realize that it’s okay to be human. In fact, you can really connect with these guys because they’re vulnerable and honest and open. And it seems like they trust God to actually forgive them and that means maybe God has forgiven me too.

On the other hand, there are many kids who wander through the world lost. And often, secretly (until now), I’ve noticed their fathers are men who are constantly spinning the truth to make themselves look good. If anything negative happens in their families, they blame it on some other factor. They never admit their mistakes. They are constantly trying to “set an example” by hiding their true humanity. Kids who grow up in homes like this do not feel permission to be human or flawed and don’t trust that God will ever forgive them. Can you imagine living in such pain?

So much modern research supports the idea that it’s in morality, strength, courage AND VULNERABILITY that health flourishes.

• • •

**The whole idea makes me wonder how applicable this paradigm shift is for pastors and church leaders. Do we trust our congregations would be more healthy if we modeled God’s grace by freely admitting our weaknesses?

How honest are you being with the people around you? Do you fear being human? Do your kids fear being human?

Let’s pass along an example that God is forgiving, and so are we. Let’s say to the world it’s perfectly okay to be perfectly human.

Great Kids Have Parents Who Seem To Do This Well is a post from: Storyline Blog

For Every Evil Act, There are a Thousand Acts of Kindness – No Need for Cynicism

After the terrible attacks that took place at the Boston Marathon on Monday, we’d be tempted to think the world is a terrible place. And in some ways, it is. But what we don’t often consider at times like this is how many good people there are surrounding the bad.

From the destruction we’ve heard stories of marathon participants running past the finish line to local hospitals where they donated blood. Another man was caught on video rushing toward the explosions and ripping off his belt to create a tourniquet for a wounded victim. One reporter told the story of a man who was rushing in and out of the danger zone, carrying people a hundred yards to safety. Joe Andruzzi, a retired NFL football star who won the Super Bowl three times with the New England Patriots was seen carrying multiple victims away from the finish line. All three of Andruzzi’s brothers were firemen who rushed into the wreckage of the Twin Towers on 9/11.

I follow friends on Twitter who immediately tweeted they had room in their homes in Boston for anybody who needed a place to stay. More friends than I can count tweeted that they’d stopped, pulled over their cars and were praying. Restaurants in the area offered free meals.

We see this at every terrible event, don’t we? So much more light than darkness. So much more love than hate. So much more courage than cowardice.

*Photo by jmerullo, Creative Commons

There are a few very loud theologians who want us to believe the heart of man is evil, as is spoken of poetically in Scripture. But they are often wrong (and emasculating) in the way they interpret and teach this idea. They use it as a method to devalue and so control people.

The real idea is that apart from God, true purity does not reside in us. Without His light shining through us, we are dark inside. But we often take this too far, devaluing the true goodness that is, while earthly, in every human being. We all reflect the goodness of our Maker, whether we know that Maker or not. When we shine a light on the courage and bravery, kindness and altruism displayed by every human being, we say to the world, “See that goodness inside of you? That comes from your Father. You got that from your Father,” and as such invite people to know their God.

It would be tempting at times like this to focus on the negative, the terrible. It would be tempting at times like this to shine a light on what Satan has done and what Satan is doing. But we shouldn’t. We should shine a light on what God has done, who God has made brave and courageous, and what God is doing in the world.

Fred Rogers (a Presbyterian minister turned children’s show host) once said, “Look for the helpers. You’ll always find people who are helping,” and once again he has been proven right.

For Every Evil Act, There are a Thousand Acts of Kindness – No Need for Cynicism is a post from: Storyline Blog

When You Feel Behind, Just Remember, We Aren’t Competing Against Each Other

I love living in San Diego.

The weather is – well, you know – incredible and the fish tacos are to die for. I love that we don’t take things too seriously around here and that I actually get to live twenty minutes away from Bob Goff. (How great is that?)

But, despite the great weather and delicious cuisine, there is one small thing that bothers me about living on the West Coast.

The time zone. Yes, Pacific Standard Time is a problem.

Here’s why: Each morning when I wake up at 6 a.m., roll out of bed and wipe the wipe the sleep from my eyes, I feel like I’m already running behind. Why? Pacific Standard Time.

You see, while I was in bed, the fine people on the East Coast started their day a full three hours ago. They got a head start and now all of us Left Coasters are fumbling to catch up with them.

*Photo by Victor, Creative Commons

Life sometimes feels this way doesn’t it? There is this nagging feeling that others are making more progress than us. We’re slowly falling behind or in a constant state of playing catch up to keep up.

Perhaps you feel right now that your friends are advancing in their career and you’re not. Or a fellow pastor’s church is swimming in cash and you’re just trying to keep the lights on. Or your best friend recently got engaged to Prince Charming and your love life is DOA. You’re doing everything right, making good choices, and working hard, but in your mind it is still not enough. You convince yourself, “God must like them better than me.”

The hard truth is that sometimes people will get ahead of you. John got the lucky break and got hired early on at the now billion-dollar tech startup. Or your best friend’s parents paid for her Ivy League college education. He’s a natural with the girls and you’re Mr. Awkward who suffers during small talk.

These things happen. Don’t fight against them. Let it go and let it be.

However, what you must fiercely battle against is comparing yourself to others. Comparison leads nowhere other than feelings of inferiority and depression. Trust me, I know. My darkest days have been when I’m wishing I were more like those other people that are incredibly smart, successful and seem to know what they are doing.

So, when you start feeling the pressure to be more, or better, or farther ahead, or married by now, just stop it. Dare to be who you are. Not whom others hoped you would be. Trust that wherever you are is right where you are supposed to be at. That should take some pressure off, right?

Take a deep breath and try showing yourself some grace today. If you feel like you’re behind, just know you’re not, and enjoy your story wherever it is. And trust that no matter what time zone you might be in right now, the sun will come up.

What things keep you from enjoying your story?

When You Feel Behind, Just Remember, We Aren’t Competing Against Each Other is a post from: Storyline Blog

Reflections on Brennan Manning’s Wrestling Match With God

“Once there was a tree and she loved a little boy…” is how Silverstein begins his beautiful children’s book. What a terrific first line. What a terrific book.

The little boy and the tree play together, make crowns from leaves and play hide and go seek. The boy loved the tree and so the tree was happy.

But as time went by and the boy grew older and became interested in other things. As an older man, the boy was more interested in money and things than the tree. So the tree offers the boy his apples so he can sell them and have money. The tree loved the boy.

The boy disappeared after taking the apples but then much later came back telling the tree he wanted a house to raise a family. The tree had no house for the boy, but offered him his branches for wood to build a house. The tree loved the boy.

The boy took the branches and used them to make a house. And they boy didn’t come back for a long time. When the boy came back he explained to the tree that life was not fun. He wanted a boat to go far away. The tree then offered the boy his trunk to make a boat because the tree loved the boy.

After a long time the boy came back and was an old man. The tree was a stump now. The old man was too old to collect leaves, his teeth were gone so he couldn’t eat apples, and he was too old to swing on the branches.

The boy was so old and tired that he asked the tree if he could sit on his stump, and the tree invited the boy to rest, because the tree loved the boy.

• • •

It’s a wonderful and sad story about the nature of love, about how true love holds up even while being used. It’s a violent and painful story depending on how you look at it.

What many people don’t know about that story is that Brennan Manning, who passed away on Friday of last week, and Shel Silverstein met when they were young and according to Manning, stayed in touch. Later, after Shel began to write and Manning became a priest, they had a conversation about God and God’s love. Manning asked Silverstein what he thought God’s love felt like. Silverstein thought about it for a while but had no answer. Much later, Silverstein got in touch with Manning and gave him a copy of The Giving Tree saying the book was his answer to Manning’s question.

Manning told the story so many times you have to wonder if it didn’t become his answer, too. I’ve abused God and He forgives me, Manning seems to be saying.

Manning wrestled with God as much as he walked with God. He seemed like the kind of man who would constantly tug at God’s shirt tails and ask, for the thousandth time, is it true? only to run into the village and explain to the rest of us that it was. Then to return, tug on God’s shirt tail and ask again, is it true?

Manning’s ability to stir the imagination of singers, songwriters, playwrights and poets was fierce. Many books, albums, bands and films exist because Brennan Manning convinced the artist of the safety of grace. He was a pivotal voice for me as I began to write. We got together more than a few times. He could be warm and open for one meeting, then cold and crotchety for the next. He taught me I could be the same, that I could be myself.

What gave Manning his magic was not some gift or skill, but his honest and constant wrestling with Jesus. To Manning, life was not about religion or rules or gaining fame or power; it was only about wrestling with Jesus. Is this grace of yours really true? I believe it and don’t believe it at the same time. You’re saying it’s true, but it’s entirely unnatural and inhuman to be so loving.

He wrote much of his best work in his later years. I like to picture him with a pad and pen, sitting on a stump.

Brennan Manning, called back. Done wrestling. Knows it’s true. Can’t write about it now. May we wrestle half as well.

Reflections on Brennan Manning’s Wrestling Match With God is a post from: Storyline Blog

Sunday Morning Sermon – Phil Robertson on His Relationship with Jesus

Storyline readers are incredibly diverse. A number of our readers do not attend a church with regularity. And yet we are a people who want to follow the real Christ, and contribute to His real community. As such, we offer our Sunday Morning Sermons. We’ve found brief interactions with a wide range of personalities and intend to feature one every Sunday. This is the Sunday morning sermon done, well, differently. After each feature, Don will chime in to share his opinions on the “sermon.”

Phil Robertson, a character on the reality series Duck Dynasty, talks about his relationship with Jesus:

Don’s thoughts:

I really like Duck Dynasty. I love Louisiana and the people who live there, and I love the way the Duck Dynasty folks live. And I love Phil. I could sit in a duck blind with this guy any day. And I think, amazingly, he’d be open to my opinions about the world, opinions about how Obama is right on a lot of things, opinions about how Jesus is misunderstood and has been hijacked to support a bunch of stupid agendas. I think he’d listen because we have something amazing in common, we both know Jesus. He’s changed our lives. And while we may disagree on a lot, I doubt it would matter. We both love Christ. And Christ is making us come alive and helping us be ourselves. Love this guy, love his show, and love his faith.

Sunday Morning Sermon – Phil Robertson on His Relationship with Jesus is a post from: Storyline Blog

Saturday Morning Cereal: The Best Viral Videos We Found This Week

The majority of you loved the in-laws video last week, making that our winner.

What about this week? Vote for your favorite video below in the comments.

Saturday Morning Cereal: The Best Viral Videos We Found This Week is a post from: Storyline Blog

The Only Thing More Important Than What You Say Is How You Say It

Sometimes we have no idea what a simple prescription can do. The doctor tells you, “Just take this pill, and magic will happen.” You do it, and you get well. Things change … very simple.

Here is a simple prescription that I wanted to share with you: in whatever situation you find yourself, whether at work or in your personal life, something to focus on with all diligence is “tone.” Your “tone” is the way that you talk to someone, especially when they are doing something wrong, or not doing something that you want. We all have a tendency at some level to get aggravated and amped up a bit, depending on how much we are hurt, frustrated, or afraid. But, the kicker is this: the more our tone is negative towards someone, or angry, or escalated, the less chance we have of getting the outcome we desire.

The reason is when we are angry or negative, it causes people to go into a brain state where higher thinking, self-control, problem solving, and all the good stuff shuts down and stops working. They go into a chemical reaction of stress hormones that activate their “lower brain” that is reactive, and operates on fight or flight modes. So all they are doing at that point, when threatened, is to fight what

we are wanting them to do, or move away from us, at least on the inside. Their brains are no longer working, just because of how we said it.

*Photo by Elvert Barnes, Creative Commons

It is a paradox … we push harder to get someone to do something, and yet we will get less of what we want because their brain will stop working in the ways we need.

So, the Bible’s principle of “speak the truth in love” is not only a nice thing to do, it is sound brain anatomy and biochemistry. When we do that, we actually are helping someone’s brain function in a way that will get to a solution, instead of causing it to react.

Isn’t that the way God works? He gives us a simple “pill” to take, like the doctor. “Just do this,” he says, “take the pill and everything will get better.” We have no idea how much science is behind that simple prescription. In the simple prescription “speak the truth in love,” we have no idea of the biochemistry that that changes when we take that pill. When we do what the “Dr.” says, it gets better. The Great Physician tells us to speak hard truth, but speak it in love, and relationships can actually work. He knows the chemistry … He designed it. So try it for yourself. He knows how the other person’s brain works. Keep the tone positive, even when you are giving negative feedback. You will probably get better results

if you do.

• • •

Henry writes more about tone in his new book, Boundaries For Leaders, coming out April 16th.

The Only Thing More Important Than What You Say Is How You Say It is a post from: Storyline Blog

What Happens When You Risk it All to Live by Faith?

I’m big on vision. I believe people are more healthy when they are heading somewhere. One of the main questions I ask people is, “What do you want to do with your life?” If a person has a solid answer to that, I know they are more likely to be healthy. And if they don’t, I love to sit and dream with them about whatever it is that lights them up. Often, there’s healing in the simple act of dreaming.

So recently, I began to ask myself the same question. What do I want to do with my life? And my answer was very clear. I wanted to build a home fit for a family, a tree-house office out back, and an upscale barn that could house coaching sessions for teams along with house concerts for artists.

I can see it in my mind. I know what my life will look like and I want to head in that direction.

*Photo by emdot, Creative Commons

But here’s the problem. All of that costs money. And lots of money. And here’s the other problem: I want to give the services away. What I mean is, I want the proceeds from the house concerts to go to the artists, and I want the coaching to be accessible to anybody, regardless of what they can afford.

So how do you build a life like this and yet give the services away?

My answer was quite predictable. I determined to raise the money first, then give it away when the life was already built.

In fact, I prayed and asked God to make it happen. I was on a plane leaving South Dakota for Louisiana when I asked God, quite specifically, to provide the resources that would allow me to give away the services of Storyline.

Now, about this time, our Director of Branding, Tim Schurrer was working on our new registration site for the Storyline Conference. We were talking about whether or not we should raise our prices. We currently have one of the most affordable Christian conferences around, and in my opinion, the no-frills best. We focus on the meat: the guests, the real-life change. Our conference was also very profitable. We had more people attend our last conference than we’ve ever had. And we had enormous momentum. We were well on our way to building the foundation allowing us to begin giving the materials away.

But as I landed for my lay-over in Dallas, I heard God say something very specific: Give it away now.

What? I questioned.

Give it away now. God said to me.

I knew instinctively what God meant. He meant why wait till you have a foundation, till you have security to start giving your life away. Give it away while you are in need.

So, I called Tim and told him we needed to make our conference available for whatever people can afford. And so it is.

• • •

Storyline is breaking new ground. It’s a huge leap of faith for us, but we are going to obey God.

We are not naive. We know this will cost us a lot. But why in the world would we wait to have a tree house and barn to give something away when we can give it away right now and enjoy the benefit of being generous?

And so we’ve launched our October Storyline Conference in Nashville by announcing anybody can come for any price. There are rewards for paying full price, but if you want to come, it’s wide open.

And we want you to come.

Can you imagine how great that first day is going to be?

There’s no better story than the one that travels through risk and adventure and trust and faith. Come join us.

What would your life look like if you started living out of faith today? What are you waiting for?

Learn more about the Storyline Conference here.

What Happens When You Risk it All to Live by Faith? is a post from: Storyline Blog