The Only Thing More Important Than What You Say Is How You Say It

Sometimes we have no idea what a simple prescription can do. The doctor tells you, “Just take this pill, and magic will happen.” You do it, and you get well. Things change … very simple.

Here is a simple prescription that I wanted to share with you: in whatever situation you find yourself, whether at work or in your personal life, something to focus on with all diligence is “tone.” Your “tone” is the way that you talk to someone, especially when they are doing something wrong, or not doing something that you want. We all have a tendency at some level to get aggravated and amped up a bit, depending on how much we are hurt, frustrated, or afraid. But, the kicker is this: the more our tone is negative towards someone, or angry, or escalated, the less chance we have of getting the outcome we desire.

The reason is when we are angry or negative, it causes people to go into a brain state where higher thinking, self-control, problem solving, and all the good stuff shuts down and stops working. They go into a chemical reaction of stress hormones that activate their “lower brain” that is reactive, and operates on fight or flight modes. So all they are doing at that point, when threatened, is to fight what

we are wanting them to do, or move away from us, at least on the inside. Their brains are no longer working, just because of how we said it.

*Photo by Elvert Barnes, Creative Commons

It is a paradox … we push harder to get someone to do something, and yet we will get less of what we want because their brain will stop working in the ways we need.

So, the Bible’s principle of “speak the truth in love” is not only a nice thing to do, it is sound brain anatomy and biochemistry. When we do that, we actually are helping someone’s brain function in a way that will get to a solution, instead of causing it to react.

Isn’t that the way God works? He gives us a simple “pill” to take, like the doctor. “Just do this,” he says, “take the pill and everything will get better.” We have no idea how much science is behind that simple prescription. In the simple prescription “speak the truth in love,” we have no idea of the biochemistry that that changes when we take that pill. When we do what the “Dr.” says, it gets better. The Great Physician tells us to speak hard truth, but speak it in love, and relationships can actually work. He knows the chemistry … He designed it. So try it for yourself. He knows how the other person’s brain works. Keep the tone positive, even when you are giving negative feedback. You will probably get better results

if you do.

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Henry writes more about tone in his new book, Boundaries For Leaders, coming out April 16th.

The Only Thing More Important Than What You Say Is How You Say It is a post from: Storyline Blog