Sangay Glass's Blog - Posts Tagged "relationships"

In the breakout novel Kate Blue Jeans and a Single Shot (KBJSS), a powerful narrative about the struggles of a woman in an abusive relationship, the character Kate Hill knew what her husband did to her in their bedroom the day before she disappeared was wrong.

Like many women, she considered casting the incident aside. What would she say if asked by authorities, "I think my husband r@ped me."

It's taking a while for laws to catch up, but spousal r@pe is a very real problem and a traumatic experience for women across the globe. A study concluded that 10-13 percent of married women have been coerced, shamed, and outright r@ped by their husbands. Further research found that husbands who sexually assault their wives are also more likely to K!ll them.

The sad truth is this issue is rarely addressed. You chose your partner. You willingly participated in sexual relations at some point. But then something changed. You said no, and he didn't listen. He got rough and ignored your pleas to stop. Whatever way it started, you know in your heart it needs to end. Your courage in facing this trauma, right now, is a testament to your strength and resilience.

It's very confusing and frightening, and as an extension of mental abuse, you're left emotionally numb or full of anxiety. You're forced to feed and face this monster every day. You can't get away. Furthermore, as a human being, intimacy is something you still might crave, but you're at odds with yourself and your needs.

There are others who have walked this path and emerged stronger. You can too.You're not alone. I've been there. You can recover. But where to start?

I'm leaving this resource for you to start. It's a comprehensive guide to understanding and recovering from spousal rape. help for women in marital rape situations

You are different from the target audience for the book KBJSS. It might be too much for you, even with a happy ending. I wrote it for awareness. I wrote the book in real-time as it was happening to me. The more people who know about it, the more people will understand what you're going through.

That's the other problem. Friends, relatives, and even your doctor probably won't understand your trauma. But you are not alone. If you need to reach out, I'm here. Take advantage of any opportunity you can to get your life and body back. Continue your search for resources. Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness, but a step towards healing and recovery.

Please take the first step towards healing, because things can and will get better when you do.

References:[1] Bergen, Raquel Kennedy, "Marital Rape" on the site of the Applied Research Forum, National Electronic Network on Violence Against Women. Article dated March 1999. (Retrieved February 8, 2005.) [2] Easteal, P. Voices of the Survivors, Spinifex Press, North Melbourne, 1994.

You've been warned to run when you see red flags in a potential relationship, but we rarely discuss the green flags. Green flags help you decide whether a potential partner is a good match and will treat you right.

Human beings are complicated. Unlike most animals, we can camouflage our dark sides through deception, manipulation, and gaslighting.

But there are signs that can bring a sense of relief by letting us know we can breathe easily around someone we don't know very well.

The Good Ones Respect Boundaries

Say your love interest wants you to attend a family gathering, and you think it's too soon.

First, if you feel comfortable saying, "I'm not sure I'm ready to meet your family," your heart has already spoken loudly and clearly, saying, "This one is okay."

When that person respects your boundaries, they will be fine with your decision, which might sound like, "Sure, maybe some other time."

That response raises two green flags: one, they heard and supported your decision, and two, they already see you as someone they want in their future. If you're game, there's your keeper.

They Remember Little Details About You

Who doesn't want to be happily surprised by someone they care about? When someone cares about you, they're listening and will let it be known in small and big ways to bring you happiness and a sense of being valued.

You might've mentioned that you like hiking, and they spontaneously say, "Let's go hiking this weekend." Or they may bring you to a sunflower farm because you said you liked sunflowers.

Even better, listen to them and return the favor. Listening and using those little details will strengthen your relationship.

You Feel Energized When You See Them

Endorphins (feel-good hormones) are high when you're happy.

Naturally, when you start a relationship, hormones will peak. So, it's difficult to distinguish between a new rush crush on a red flag or the cozy warmth of a green flag.

One way to figure it out is to process how you think about them when you're alone. Green flag feelings don't involve anxiety about what they're doing without you or worry that they won't call.

Early on, your thoughts and feelings should match the high you feel when you're with the right person or without them.

The book, Kate, Blue Jeans, and a Single Shot is almost a manual for red and green flag spotting. If you read it, post your findings here. But please read the trigger warnings first.

That's it for today, but there's more to come. So, stay tuned for the next post, where I discuss the nitty-gritty of green flags as the relationship progresses.

And don't forget the Goodreads Giveaway for Kate, Blue Jeans, and a Single Shot, where all the green flags fly high, is still on. Join my page for details and other blog posts.

Okay, you've been seeing each other regularly for a few weeks, and things are heating up, but the hormones are starting to calm down.

Now you're at the crossroads and paying attention to the traffic lights. Are you stopping, proceeding with caution, or going full speed ahead?

Here are some signs to help you decide if you've got a green light.

Using the characters from my novel Kate, Blue Jeans, and a Single Shot, let's explore. Kate represents the tendency to hand over control in a relationship, while Blue Jeans represents a nurturing companion.

The Right One Will Respect Your Individuality

Early in the relationship, it's natural to explore each other's interests. Trying new things your new companion likes is a positive sign, but it's crucial to maintain who you are. Your individuality is what makes you unique, and it's important to find a partner who respects that.

One thing women, in particular, do is refrain from participating in planning dates. Guys get frustrated by this and stop asking what you want to eat or what you want to do. So we go along and get lost.

Kate is a giver. Instead of expressing her wants, she prefers to go along with the program to keep the peace. Blue Jeans recognizes this and takes great care not to give up asking.

The right one will be happy with a give-and-take situation.

They Will Celebrate Your Wins

Praise never feels better than when it's coming from someone you care about. It says they see and appreciate you. Even small recognition for things like getting a promotion or simply having a good day carries great weight. Having someone notice is the icing on the cake.

Kate never played Jeopardy, but it's one of Blue Jean's favorite pastimes. He's happy about it when she beats him at his own game.

A healthy relationship is not a competition.

They Listen Without Getting Defensive

Open communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. If something doesn't sit well with you, expressing your feelings is not just okay, it's essential. Remember, your emotions are valid, and a partner who truly cares will listen and understand, even if it's not what they want to hear.

After a strange evening where Kate accompanied Blue Jeans while he made his work rounds. She noticed he was hurried and distant. She suspected he was doing something illegal and wanted answers. So, she wanted to know the deal, and he came clean without getting defensive, making excuses, or lying.

It isn't easy in the early stages, but speaking up is important. Someone who cares wants to be truthful because, deep down, they can't keep up the act.

The Take Away

Start right, stay true to yourself, and always return the favor by making sure your new companion does the same.
Kate, Blue Jeans, and a Single Shot

I've been posting about green flags in relationships.

Today, I saw something that warmed my heart. It was such a small thing, but it had great significance. It restored my faith in love and the beauty of small gestures.

I run a bed and breakfast and have a huge table so that people can spread out. Over the past few days, I served a sweet couple breakfast. It's usually the only time I see my guests.

But what touched me was the man's daily routine. Every morning, he would scoot his chair closer to his wife, a comforting and familiar gesture.

Now that's a keeper. His simple act of wanting to be close to his wife, even in a space where they could have easily kept their distance.

This is a real-life green flag in a relationship.

So sweet!

Warm your heart. Don't forget to enter the Goodreads Giveaway!
Kate, Blue Jeans, and a Single Shot

Picture Blog Today: Choose Your Favorite
Kate, Blue Jeans, and a Single Shot

Include Blue Jeans in your Pillow Talk. Today is the last day for the Goodreads Giveaway! Enter Now!

Jay watched Kate climb the stairs with an armful of warm folded towels from the dryer.

It was the perfect opportunity.

He kicked off his shoes and followed her unnoticed as she opened the linen closet door and placed the towels inside.

When she closed it, he was there, with an intentionally mischievous smirk.

She wasn't surprised, evidenced by a slight coy smile. He'd been stalking her all morning, and she loved it.

He pressed her against the wall and kissed her, then walked away.

Not yet, babe. He would get back to her later.

My character, Jay, didn't have great examples of marital bliss growing up, but he did work as an assistant to a professional mistress for years. She taught him the art of seduction using patience, timing, and the element of surprise. He put his skills into practice to keep his marriage fresh and healthy.

We all get into ruts at some point in our marriage, especially when we're busy with kids and careers, and our sex lives suffer for it.

When we were in the dating pool, we put effort into seduction. It was that effort and anticipation that made sex amazing in the beginning. But somewhere along the line, a simple touch became foreplay, and a minute alone turned into "It's now or never."

If you're stuck, it's time to extend your foreplay with seduction.

Did you know Llamas do it? Not really, but close. Llama reproduction involves induced ovulation. The male sings and chirps to his potential mate to bring on ovulation. The female usually spits at him initially because she doesn't know him, but he'll get the prize if he's persistent.

Date nights are a great concept, but the rush to get the kids settled and the planning distracts from the goal of intimacy. You're both over it by the time you get to where you're going and spitting may be involved in the form of snipping.

Start early in the day. A knowing smile over a coffee cup during breakfast, a reach over their head to get a plate, and a long embrace, instead of a quick kiss on the way out the door will go a long way.

It's also a two-way street. If your partner needs to learn, lead by example.

If you want to be pushed up against the hall wall, do it to them to show how exciting it can be.

And guys, roll up those sleeves, move them aside, and take over emptying the dishwasher with a generous smile. You'll be surprised at the results.

The point is that intimacy is better with anticipation. The longer you take to set up anticipation, the faster you'll get there.

By there, I mean the big O. You're welcome.

Don't forget! Today is the last day to enter the giveaway! Enter the Goodreads Givaway

I hear it all the time, "I'm pretty. Why can't I get a date?"

When I was twenty-nine, I asked the same question. I had a good job, my own apartment, and I was pretty.

I was pretty lonely, too. My friends had significant others. Some had kids. The ones who didn't were dragging me down with unhealthy options, clubs, and lots of drinking.

Since I worked most of my life with men, I asked, "What is wrong with me?" My male coworkers, being brutally honest, told me I was unapproachable. They'd seen guys interested in me, but that I was curt, had an attitude, and was outright rude.

Yeah, because I didn't like them and wanted them to disappear. Yup, that's what I projected, only it had become my default face—a defense against all guys.

I guess at some point, I just got tired of being hit on and unknowingly kept that sour puss up like a wall. I needed an attitude adjustment.

Like everything in my life, I go all in or nothing. I became acutely aware of my "look" and toned it down. I decided to date anyone who asked. I was open to anything, even if they weren't my cup of tea mentally or physically.

It was a game-changer. I had dates seven nights a week and actually started a calendar.

I made rules. I made it a thing not to get intimate, just go on actual dates, cheap dates. I'd tell them, somewhere public. Their choice. No alcohol. I'd meet them there. I set age limits no more or less than ten years. And if I seriously had a bad gut feeling, I listened.

It's amazing what happens when you loosen up. I met guys while walking, shopping, doing laundry, and waiting at traffic lights.

I found myself trying new things and revisiting old past times. Several guys took me fishing on piers and beaches because I lived on the Jersey Shore. One took me to a pool hall (not a bar), and another even took me to a farmers' market. Given the rules, the guys were pretty creative.

Their choices also helped me get to know them because we were going places where they were comfortable. I got to see them at their best, which, by the way, always makes people more attractive.

The thing is, it's much more challenging than you think to approach a pretty girl.

First, we intimidate them with our looks. Oh, she must be taken. She's out of my league and won't like me. She's surrounded by friends. Nobody wants to be shot down in front of a crowd.

Then, when a guy shows interest, we unconsciously judge them, which shows on our faces.Oh, he's not my type. He's wearing a sports shirt and I hate sports. It doesn't matter. Be nice, plaster that smile, and say yes.

Not hot or cute? You may find he's so fun and sweet that he ascends the heat index each time you meet.

Empathize a moment. Imagine approaching a guy you like and being worried you'll get shot down or make them feel uncomfortable as if you're a creep. This is what guys go through.

You can change the way they see you when you're approachable. Guys really respond positively to your eye contact and not shrinking away. Without a sour puss that says, I'm not interested because you look homeless. Hint: he may have just gotten off work or did something cool like volunteer trail work. Don't judge and mentally discount them. It shows!

Next, work on yourself. Stop hanging out to look for guys. Do stuff you love alone. Go to the movies, go to museums, go hiking. The endorphins you raise by enjoying your life will be reflected in your smile, your pheromones, your availability, and your openness. This independence and confidence in being alone makes you more attractive to the right men.

You will attract men, more so, the right men.

Why alone? Groups of women are intimidating, and you're likely doing what they want to do, such as going to clubs or places to meet guys or, if married, doing things with their spouse.

Start dating—real dating, not two dates and S3X or making out for hours. Yeah, it's fun, but you're not talking. You'll have learned nothing.

You might go through twenty or even 50 dates until you finally connect. But if you do this right, neither of you has invested in anything, not emotionally or sexually.

You can't find love until you love yourself, is not only a meme, it's a fact!

I wish you the best on your journey and would love to hear from you when you start!

[image error]Kate, Blue Jeans, and a Single ShotThe Secret Lives of Geeks: Jenny's Box"width="300" height="200"

Ever feel like modern dating comes with hidden fees? Love might be a thrill ride, but does it need an extended warranty?

Some people want commitment insurance—that long-term, all-inclusive plan with repair services (aka couple’s therapy), roadside assistance (aka emotional support), and maybe even a lemon law clause for when things go south.

Others? They prefer the as-is deal—no warranties, no coverage, just good times until the engine gives out.

So, what’s your take? Do relationships run smoother without the fine print? Or is it worth securing a warranty—just in case?

Candice knows better than to trust in guarantees—especially when the fine print is written by a killer.
Ledge Pond